Chapter V: Part 5

115. Instead of "Captain Reilly was killed _by_ a bullet," say
"Captain Reilly was killed with a bullet."

116. Instead of "A sad curse is war," say "War is a sad curse."

117. Instead of "He stands _six foot_ high," say "He measures six
feet," or "His height is six feet."

118. Instead of "I go _every now and then_," say "I go often, or
frequently."

119. Instead of "Who finds him in clothes," say "Who provides him
with clothes."

120. Say "The first two," and "the last two," instead of "the _two
first_," "the two last;" leave out all expletives, such as "of all,"
"first of all," "last of all," "best of all," &c., &c.

121. Instead of "His health was _drank with enthusiasm_," say "His
health was drunk enthusiastically."

122. Instead of "_Except_ I am prevented," say "Unless I am
prevented."

123. Instead of "In its _primary sense_," say "In its primitive
sense."

124. Instead of "It grieves me to _see_ you," say "I am grieved to
see you."

125. Instead of "Give me _them_ papers," say "Give me those papers."

126. Instead of "_Those_ papers I hold in my hand," say "These
papers I hold in my hand."

127. Instead of "I could scarcely imagine but _what_," say "I could
scarcely imagine but that."

128. Instead of "He was a man _notorious_ for his benevolence," say
"He was noted for his benevolence."

129. Instead of "She was a woman _celebrated_ for her crimes," say
"She was notorious on account of her crimes."

130. Instead of "What may your name be?" say "What is your name?"

131. Instead of "Bills are requested not to be stuck here," say
"Billstickers are requested not to stick bills here."

132. Instead of "By _smoking it often_ becomes habitual," say "By
smoking often it becomes habitual."

133. Instead of "I lifted it _up_," say "I lifted it."

134. Instead of "It is _equally of the same_ value," say "It is of
the same value," or "equal value."

135. Instead of "I knew it _previous_ to your telling me," say "I
knew it previously to your telling me."

136. Instead of "You _was_ out when I called," say "You were out
when I called."

137. Instead of "I thought I should _have won_ this game," say "I
thought I should win this game."

138. Instead of "_This_ much is certain," say "Thus much is
certain," or, "So much is certain."

139. Instead of "He went away _as it may be_ yesterday week," say
"He went away yesterday week."

140. Instead of "He came _the Saturday as it may be before the
Monday_," specify the Monday on which he came.

141. Instead of "Put your watch _in_ your pocket," say "Put your
watch into your pocket."

142. Instead of "He has _got_ riches," say "He has riches."

143. Instead of "Will you _set_ down?" say "Will you sit down?"

144. Instead of "The hen is _setting_," say "The hen is sitting."

145. Instead of "It is raining very _hard_," say "It is raining
very fast."

146. Instead of "No _thankee_," say "No thank you."

147. Instead of "I cannot do it without _farther_ means," say "I
cannot do it without further means."

148. Instead of "No sooner _but_," or "No other _but_," say "than."

149. Instead of "_Nobody else_ but her," say "Nobody but her."

150. Instead of "He fell _down_ from the balloon," say "He fell from
the balloon."

151. Instead of "He rose _up_ from the ground," say "He rose from
the ground."

152. Instead of "_These_ kind of oranges _are_ not good," say "This
kind of oranges is not good."

153. Instead of "Somehow or _another_," say "Somehow or other."

154. Instead of "_Undeniable_ references required," say
"Unexceptionable references required."

155. Instead of "I cannot _rise_ sufficient funds," say "I cannot
raise sufficient funds."

156. Instead of "I cannot _raise_ so early in the morning," say "I
cannot rise so early in the morning."

157. Instead of "_Well_, I don't know," say "I don't know."

158. Instead of "_Will_ I give you some more tea?" say "Shall I give
you some more tea?"

159. Instead of "Oh dear, what _will_ I do?" say "Oh dear, what
shall I do?"

160. Instead of "I think _indifferent_ of it," say "I think
indifferently of it."

161. Instead of "I will send it _conformable_ to your orders," say
"I will send it conformably to your orders."

162. Instead of "Give me a _few_ broth," say "Give me some broth."

163. Instead of "_Her_ said it was hers," say "She said it was
hers."

164. Instead of "To be _given away gratis_," say "To be given away."

165. Instead of "Will you enter in?" say "Will you enter?"

166. Instead of "_This_ three days or more," say "These three days
or more."

167. Instead of "He is a bad _grammarian_," say "He is not a
grammarian."

168. Instead of "We _accuse him for_," say "We accuse him of."

169. Instead of "We _acquit_ him _from_," say "We acquit him of."

170. Instead of "I am averse _from_ that," say "I am averse to
that."

171. Instead of "I confide _on_ you," say "I confide in you."

172. Instead of "I differ _with_ you," say "I differ from you."

173. Instead of "As soon as _ever_," say "As soon as."

174. Instead of "The _very best_" or "The _very worst_," say "The
best or the worst."

175. Instead of "A _winter's morning_," say "A winter morning," or
"A wintry morning."

176. Instead of "Fine morning, _this_ morning," say "This is a fine
morning."

177. Instead of "How _do_ you _do_?" say "How are you?"

178. Instead of "Not so well as I could wish," say "Not quite well."

179. Avoid such phrases as "No great shakes," "Nothing to boast of,"
"Down in my boots," "Suffering from the blues." All such sentences
indicate vulgarity.

180. Instead of "No one _cannot_ prevail upon him," say "No one can
prevail upon him."

181. Instead of "No one _hasn't_ called," say "No one has called."

182. Avoid such phrases as "If I was you," or even, "If I were you."
Better say, "I advise you how to act."

183. Instead of "You have a _right_ to pay me," say "It is right
that you should pay me."

184. Instead of "I am going _on_ a tour," say "I am about to take a
tour," or "going."

185. Instead of "I am going _over_ the bridge," say "I am going
_across_ the bridge."

186. Instead of "He is coming here," say "He is coming hither."

187. Instead of "He lives opposite the square," say "He lives
opposite to the square."

188. Instead of "He _belongs_ to the Reform Club," say "He is a
member of the Reform Club."

189. Avoid such phrases as "I am up to you," "I'll be down upon
you," "Cut," or "Mizzle."

190. Instead of "I _should just_ think I could," say "I think I
can."

191. Instead of "There has been a _good deal_," say "There has been
much."

192. Instead of "_Following up_ a principle," say "Guided by a
principle."

193. Instead of "Your _obedient, humble servant_," say "Your
obedient," or, "Your humble servant."

194. Instead of saying "The effort you are making _for_ meeting the
bill," say "The effort you are making to meet the bill."

195. Instead of saying "It _shall_ be submitted to investigation and
inquiry," say "It shall be submitted to investigation," or "to
inquiry."

196. Dispense with the phrase "_Conceal from themselves the fact_;"
it suggests a gross anomaly.

197. Never say "_Pure and unadulterated_," because the phrase
embodies a repetition.

198. Instead of saying "Adequate for," say "Adequate to."

199. Instead of saying "A _surplus over and above_," say "A
surplus."

200. Instead of saying "A _lasting and permanent_ peace," say "A
permanent peace."

201. Instead of saying "I left you _behind at_ London," say "I left
you behind me at London."

202. Instead of saying "_Has been_ followed by immediate dismissal,"
say "Was followed by immediate dismissal."

203. Instead of saying "Charlotte was met _with_ Thomas," say
"Charlotte was met by Thomas." But if Charlotte and Thomas were
walking together, "Charlotte and Thomas were met by," &c.

204. Instead of "It is strange that no author should _never_ have
written," say "It is strange that no author should ever have
written."

205. Instead of "I won't never write," say "I will never write."

206. To say "Do _not_ give him _no more_ of your money," is
equivalent to saying "Give him some of your money." Say "Do not give
him _any_ of your money."

207. Instead of saying "They are not what nature _designed_ them,"
say "They are not what nature designed them to be."

208. Instead of "By this _means_," say "By these means."

209. Instead of saying "A beautiful _seat and gardens_," say "A
beautiful _seat_ and its gardens."

210. Instead of "All that was _wanting_," say "All that was wanted."

211. Instead of saying "I had not the pleasure of hearing his
sentiments when I wrote that letter," say "I had not the pleasure of
having heard," &c.

212. Instead of "The quality of the apples _were_ good," say "The
quality of the apples was good."

213. Instead of "The want of learning, courage, and energy _are_
more visible," say "Is more visible."

214. Instead of "We are conversant _about_ it," say "We are
conversant with it."

215. Instead of "We called _at_ William," say "We called on
William."

216. Instead of "We die _for_ want," say "We die of want."

217. Instead of "He died _by_ fever," say "He died of fever."

218. Instead of "I _enjoy_ bad health," say "My health is not good."

219. Instead of "_Either_ of the three," say "Any one of the three."

220. Instead of "Better _nor_ that," say "Better than that."

221. Instead of "We often think _on_ you," say "We often think of
you."

222. Instead of "Though he came, I did not see him," say "Though he
came, yet I did not see him."

223. Instead of "Mine is _so_ good as yours," say "Mine is as good
as yours."

224. Instead of "He was remarkable handsome," say "He was remarkably
handsome."

225. Instead of "Smoke ascends _up_ the chimney," I say "Smoke
ascends the chimney."

226. Instead of "You will _some_ day be convinced," say "You will
one day be convinced."

227. Instead of saying "Because I don't choose to," say "Because I
would rather not."

228. Instead of "_Because_ why?" say "Why?"

229. Instead of "That _there_ boy," say "That boy."

230. Instead of "Direct your letter to me," say "Address your letter
to me."

231. Instead of "The horse is not _much worth_," say "The horse is
not worth much."

232. Instead of "The subject-matter of debate," say "The subject of
debate."

233. Instead of saying "When he _was_ come back," say "When he had
come back."

234. Instead of saying "His health has been _shook_," say "His
health has been shaken."

235. Instead of "It was _spoke_ in my presence," say "It was spoken
in my presence."

236. Instead of "_Very_ right," or "_Very_ wrong," say "Right," or
"Wrong."

237. Instead of "The _mortgager_ paid him the money," say "The
mortgagee paid him the money." The mortgagee lends; the mortgager
borrows.

238. Instead of "This town is not _as_ large as we thought," say
"This town is not so large as we thought."

239. Instead of "I _took you to be_ another person," say "I mistook
you for another person."

240. Instead of "On _either_ side of the river," say "On each side
of the river."

241. Instead of "_There's_ fifty," say "There are fifty."

242. Instead of "The _best_ of the two," say "The better of the
two."

243. Instead of "My clothes have _become too small_ for me," say "I
have grown too stout for my clothes."

244. Instead of "Is Lord Lytton in?" say "Is Lord Lytton within?"

245. Instead of "Two _spoonsful_ of physic," say "Two spoonfuls of
physic."

246. Instead of "He _must_ not do it." say "He need not do it."

247. Instead of "She said, says she," say "She said."

248. Avoid such phrases as "I said, says I," "Thinks I to myself,
thinks I," &c.

249. Instead of "I don't think so," say "I think not."

250. Instead of "He was in _eminent_ danger," say "He was in
_imminent_ danger."

251. Instead of "The weather is _hot_," say "The weather is very
warm."

252. Instead of "I _sweat_," say "I _perspire_."

253. Instead of "I _only_ want two shillings," say "I want only two
shillings."

254. Instead of "Whatsomever," always take care to say "Whatever,"
or "Whatsoever."

255. Avoid such exclamations as "God bless me!" "God deliver me!"
"By God!" "By Gor'!" "My Lor'!" "Upon my soul," &c., which are
vulgar on the one hand, and savour of impiety on the other, for:

256. "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

[Footnote 1: Persons who wish to become well acquainted with the
principles of 'English Grammar' by an easy process, are recommended to
procure "The Useful Grammar," price 3d., published by Houlston and
Sons.]

[SOME FEMALE SPIDERS PRODUCE 2,000 EGGS.]

182. Pronunciation.

Accent is a particular stress or force of the voice upon certain
syllables or words. This mark ' in printing denotes the syllable upon
which the stress or force of the voice should he placed.

[THERE ARE 9,000 CELLS IN A SQUARE FOOT OF HONEYCOMB.]

183. A Word may have more than One Accent.

Take as an instance aspiration. In uttering this word we give a marked
emphasis of the voice upon the first and third syllables, and
therefore those syllables are said to be accented. The first of these
accents is less distinguishable than the second, upon which we dwell
longer, therefore the second accent in point of order is called the
primary, or chief accent of the word.

[A COW CONSUMES 100 LBS. OF GREEN FOOD DAILY.]

184. When the full Accent falls on a Vowel,

that vowel should have a long sound, as in _vo'cal_; but when I it,
falls on or after a consonant, the preceding vowel has a short sound,
as in _hab'it_.

[2,300 SILKWORMS PRODUCE 1LB OF SILK.]

185. To obtain a Good Knowledge of Pronunciation,

it is advisable for the reader to listen to the examples given by good
speakers, and by educated persons. We learn the pronunciation of
words, to a great extent, by _imitation_, just as birds acquire the
notes of other birds which may be near them.

[A QUEEN BEE PRODUCES 100,000 EGGS IN A SEASON.]

186. Double Meaning.

But it will be very important to bear in mind that there are many
words having a double meaning or application, and that the difference
of meaning is indicated by the difference of the accent. Among these
words, _nouns_ are distinguished from _verbs_ by this means: _nouns_
are mostly accented on the first syllable, and _verbs_ on the last.

[A COW YIELDS 168 LBS. OF BUTTER PER ANNUM.]

187. Noun signifies Name;

_Nouns_ are the names of persons and things, as well as of things not
material and palpable, but of which we have a conception and
knowledge, such as _courage_, _firmness_, _goodness_, _strength_; and
_verbs_ express _actions, movements,_ &c. If the word used signifies
that anything has been done, or is being done, or is, or is to be
done, then that word is a _verb_.

[IT WOULD TAKE 27,600 SPIDERS TO PRODUCE 1 LB. OF WEB.]

188. Examples of the above.

Thus when we say that anything is "an in'sult," that word is a _noun_,
and is accented on the first syllable; but when we say he did it "to
insult' another person," the word insult' implies _acting_, and
becomes a verb, and should be accented on the last syllable. The
effect is, that, in speaking, you should employ a different
pronunciation in the use of the same word, when uttering such
sentences as these:--"What an in'sult!" "Do you mean to insult' me?"
In the first sentence the stress of voice must be laid upon the first
syllable, _in'_, and in the latter case upon the second syllable,
_sult'_.

189. Meaning varied by Accentuation.

A list of nearly all the words that are liable to this variation is
given in the following page. It will be noticed that those in the
first column, having the accent on the first syllable, are mostly
nouns; and that those in the second column, which have the accent on
the second and final syllable, are mostly verbs:

Noun, &c. Verb, &c.| Noun, &c. Verb, &c. |Noun, &c. Verb, &c.
---------------------|----------------------|--------------------
Ab'ject abject' | Con'trast contrast' | In'lay inlay'
Ab'sent absent' | Con'verse converse' | In'sult insult'
Ab'stract abstract' | Con'vert convert' | Ob'ject object'
Ac'cent accent' | Con'vict convict' | Out'leap outleap'
Affix affix' | Con'voy convoy' | Per'fect perfect'
As'pect aspect' | De'crease decrease' | Per'fume perfume'
At’tribute attribute'| Des'cant descant' | Per'mit permit'
Aug'ment augment' | Des'ert desert' | Pre'fix prefix'
Au'gust august' | De'tail detail' | Pre'mise premise'
Bom'bard bombard' | Di'gest digest' | Pre'sage presage'
Col'league colleague'| Dis'cord discord' | Pres'ent present'
Col'lect collect' | Dis'count discount' | Prod'uce produce'
Com'ment comment' | Ef'flux efflux' | Proj'ect project'
Com'pact compact' | Es'cort escort' | Prot'est protest'
Com'plot complot' | Es'say essay' | Reb'el rebel'
Com'port comport' | Ex'ile exile' | Rec'ord record'
Com'pound compound' | Ex'port export' | Ref'use refuse'
Com'press compress' | Ex'tract extract' | Re'tail retail'
Con'cert concert' | Fer'ment ferment' | Sub'ject subject'
Con'crete concrete' | Fore'cast forecast' | Su'pine supine'
Con'duct conduct' | Fore'taste foretaste'| Sur'vey survey'
Con fine confine' | Fre'quent frequent' | Tor'ment torment'
Con'flict conflict' | Im'part impart' | Tra'ject traject'
Con'serve conserve' | Im'port import' | Trans'fer transfer'
Con'sort consort' | Im'press impress' | Trans'port transport'
Con'test contest' | Im'print imprint' | Un'dress undress'
Con'text context' | In'cense incense' | Up'cast upcast'
Con'tract contract' | In'crease increase' | Up'start upstart'

190. Exceptions

Cement' is an Exception to the above rule, and should always be
accented on the last syllable. So also the word Consols'.

191. Hints to "Cockney Speakers."

The most objectionable error of the Cockney, that of substituting the
_v_ for the _w_, and _vice versâ_, is, we believe, pretty generally
abandoned. Such sentences as "Are you going to Vest Vickkam?" "This is
wery good weal," &c., were too intolerable to be retained. Moreover,
there has been a very able schoolmaster at work during the past forty
years. This schoolmaster is no other than the loquacious Mr. _Punch_,
from whose works we quote a few admirable exercises:

i. Low Cockney.--"Seen that party lately?" "What! the party with the
wooden leg, as come with--" "No, no--not that party. The party, you
know, as--" "Oh! ah! I know the party you mean, now." "Well, a party
told me as he can't agree with that other party, and he says that if
another party can't be found to make it all square, he shall look
out for a party as will."--(_And so on for half an hour._)

ii. Police.--"Lor, Soosan, how's a feller to eat meat such weather
as this! Now, a bit o' pickled salmon and cowcumber, or a lobster
salid, _might_ do."

iii. Cockney Yachtsman.--(Example of affectation.) Scene: the
Regatta Ball.--"I say, Tom, what's that little craft with the black
velvet flying at the fore, close under the lee scuppers of the
man-of-war?" "Why, from her fore-and-aft rig, and the cut of her
mainsail, I should say she's down from the port of London; but I'll
signal the commodore to come and introduce us!"

iv. Omnibus Driver.--_Old acquaintance_. "'Ave a drop, Bill?"
_Driver._ "Why, yer see, Jim, this 'ere young hoss has only been in
'arness once afore, and he's such a beggar to bolt, ten to one if I
leave 'im he'll be a-runnin' hoff, and a smashin' into suthun.
Howsoever--here--(_handing reins to a timid passenger_)--lay hold,
sir, I'LL CHANCE IT!"

v. Costermonger (_to extremely genteel person_).--"I say, guv'ner,
give us a hist with this 'ere bilin' o' greens!" (A large hamper of
market stuff.)

vi. Genteel Cockney (_by the seaside_).--_Blanche._ "How grand, how
solemn, dear Frederick, this is! I really think the ocean is more
beautiful under this aspect than under any other!"
_Frederick_.--"H'm--ah! Per-waps. By the way, Blanche, there's a
fella shwimping. S'pose we ask him if he can get us some pwawns for
breakfast to-mowaw mawning?"

vii. Stuck-up Cockney.--(_Small Swell enters a tailor's shop_.)
"A--Brown, A--want some more coats!" _Snip_. "Yes, sir. Thank you,
sir. How many would you please to want?" _Small Swell_. "A--let me
see; A--ll have eight. A--no, I'll have nine; and look here!
A--shall want some trousers." _Snip_. "Yes, sir, thank you, sir. How
many would you like?" _Small Swell_.--"A--don't know exactly.
S'pose we say twenty-four pairs; and look here! Show me some
patterns that won't be worn by any snobs!"

viii. Cockney Flunkey,--(_Country Footman meekly inquires of London
Footman_)--"Pray, sir, what do you think of our town? A nice place,
ain't it" _London Footman (condescendingly_). "Vell, Joseph, I likes
your town well enough. It's clean: your streets are hairy; and you
have lots of rewins. But I don't like your champagne, it's all
gewsberry!"

ix Cockney Cabby (_with politeness_).--"Beg pardon, sir; please
don't smoke in the keb. sir; ladies do complain o' the 'bacca
uncommon. Better let me smoke it for yer outside, sir!"

x. Military Cockney.--_Lieutenant Blazer (of the Plungers)_.--"Gwood
gwacious! Here's a howible go! The ifan [? word not legible] v's
going to gwow a moustache! _Cornet Huffey_ (whose face is
whiskerless). "Yaw don't mean that! Wall! there's only one
alternative for us. We must shave!"

xi. Juvenile Low Cockney.--"Jack; Whereabouts is Amstid-am?" _Jack._
"Well, I can't say exackerley, but I know it's somewhere near
'Ampstid-'eath!"

xii. Cockney Domestic.--_Servant girl_--"Well, mam--Heverythink
considered, I'm afraid you won't suit me. I've always bin brought up
genteel: and I couldn't go nowheres where there ain't no footman
kep'."

xiii. Another.--_Lady._ "Wish to leave! why, I thought, Thompson,
you were very comfortable with me!" _Thompson (who is extremely
refined)_. "Ho yes, mum! I don't find no fault with you, mum--nor
yet with master--but the truth _his_, mum--the _hother_ servants is
so orrid vulgar and hignorant, and speaks so hungrammaticai, that I
reely cannot live in the same 'ouse with 'em--and I should like to
go this day month, if so be has it won't illconvenience you!"

xiv. Cockney "Waiter.--"'Am, sir? Yessir? Don't take anything with
your 'am, do you, sir?" _Gentleman._ "Yes, I do; I take the letter
H!"

xv. Cockney Hairdresser.--"They say, sir, the cholera is in the
Hair, sir!" _Gent (very uneasy)_. "Indeed! Ahem! Then I hope you're
very particular about the brushes you use." _Hairdresser._ "Oh, I
see you don't nunderstand me, sir; I don't mean the 'air of the 'ed,
but the _h_air _h_of the _h_atmosphere?"

xvi. Cockney Sweep _(seated upon a donkey)_.--"Fitch us out another
penn'orth o' strawberry hice, with a dollop o' lemon water in it."

xvii. Feminine Cookney _(by the sea-side.)_--"Oh, Harriet, dear, put
on your hat and let us thee the stheamboat come in. The thea is tho
rough!--and the people will be tho abthurdly thick!"

[ALUM FIRST DISCOVERED A.D. 1300.]

192. Correction

Londoners who desire to correct the defects of their utterance cannot
do better than to exercise themselves frequently upon those words
respecting which they have been in error.

193. Hints for the Correction of the Irish Brogue.

According to the directions given by Mr. B. H. Smart, an Irishman
wishing to throw off the brogue of his mother country should avoid
hurling out his words with a superfluous quantity of breath. It is not
_broadher_ and _widher_ that he should say, but the _d_, and every
other consonant, should be neatly delivered by the tongue, with as
little riot, clattering, or breathing as possible. Next let him drop
the roughness or rolling of the _r_ in all places but the beginning of
syllables; he must not say _stor-rum_ and _far-rum_, but let the word
be heard in one smooth syllable. He should exercise himself until he
can convert _plaze_ into _please_, _planty_ into _plenty_, _Jasus_
into _Jesus_, and so on. He should modulate his sentences, so as to
avoid directing his accent all in one manner--from the acute to the
grave. Keeping his ear on the watch for good examples, and exercising
himself frequently upon them, he may become master of a greatly
improved utterance.

[TEA FIRST USED IN ENGLAND A.D. 1698.]

194. Hints for Correcting the Scotch Brogue.

The same authority remarks that as an Irishman uses the closing accent
of the voice too much, so a Scotchman has the contrary habit, and is
continually drawling his tones from the grave to the acute, with an
effect which, to southern ears, is suspensive in character. The smooth
guttural _r_ is as little heard in Scotland as in Ireland, the trilled
_r_ taking its place. The substitution of the former instead of the
latter must be a matter of practice. The peculiar sound of the _u_,
which in the north so of ten borders on the French _u_, must be
compared with the several sounds of the letter as they are heard in
the south; and the long quality which a Scotchman is apt to give to
the vowels that ought to be essentially short, must he clipped. In
fact, aural observation and lingual exercise are the only sure means
to the end; so that a Scotchman going to a well for a bucket of water,
and finding a countryman bathing therein, would not exclaim, "Hey,
Colin, dinna ye ken the water's for drink, and nae for bathin'?"

195. Of Provincial Brogues

it is scarcely necessary to say much, as the foregoing advice applies
to them. One militiaman exclaimed to another, "Jim, you hain't in
step" "Bain't I?" exclaimed the other; "well, change yourn!" Whoever
desires knowledge must strive for it. It must not be dispensed with
after the fashion of Tummus and Jim, who held the following dialogue
upon a vital question:--_Tummus_. "I zay, Jim, be you a
purtectionist?" _Jim_. "E'as I be." _Tummus_. "Wall, I zay, Jim, what
_be_ purtection?" _Jim_. "Loa'r, Tummus, doan't 'ee knaw?" _Tummus_.
"Naw, I doan't." _Jim_. "Wall, I doan't knaw as can tell 'ee, Tummus,
_vur I doan't exakerly knaw mysel'!_"

196. Rules of Pronunciation.

i. C before _a, o_, and _u_, and in some other situations, is a
close articulation, like _k_. Before _e, i_, and _y, c_ is precisely
equivalent to _s_ in _same, this_; as in _cedar, civil, cypress,
capacity_.

ii. E final indicates that the preceding vowel is long; as in hate,
mete, sire, robe, lyre, abate, recede, invite, remote, intrude.

iii. E final indicates that _c_ preceding has the sound of _s_; as
in _lace, lance;_ and that _g_ preceding has the sound of _j_, as in
_charge, page, challenge_.

iv. E final, in proper English words, never forms a syllable, and in
the most-used words, in the terminating unaccented syllable it is
silent. Thus, _motive, genuine, examine, granite_, are pronounced
_motiv, genuin, examin, granit_.

v. E final, in a few words of foreign origin, forms a syllable; as
_syncope, simile_.

vi. E final is silent after _l_ in the following
terminations,--_ble, cle, dle, fle, gle, kle, ple, tle, zle;_ as in
_able, manacle, cradle, ruffle, mangle, wrinkle, supple, rattle,
puzzle_, which are pronounced _a'bl, mana'cl, cra'dl, ruf'fl man'gl,
wrin'kl, sup'pl, puz'zl_.

vii. E is usually silent in the termination _en_; as in _token,
broken;_ pronounced _tokn, brokn_.

viii. OUS, in the termination of adjectives and their derivatives,
is pronounced _us;_ as in _gracious, pious, pompously_.

ix. CE, CI, TI before a vowel, have the sound of _sh;_ as in
_cetaceous, gracious, motion, partial, ingratiate;_ pronounced
_cetashus, grashus, moshun, parshal, ingrashiate._

x. SI, after an accented vowel, is pronounced like _zh;_ as in
_Ephesian, confusion;_ pronounced _Ephezhan, confuzhon_

xi. When CI or TI precede similar combinations, as in
pron_u_n_ci_a_ti_on, nego_ti_a_ti_on, they should be pronounced _ze_
instead of _she_, to prevent a repetition of the latter syllable; as
_pronunceashon_ instead of _pronunsheashon._

xii. GH, both in the middle and at the end of words ia silent; as in
_caught, bought, fright, nigh, sigh;_ pronounced _caut, baut, frite,
ni, si._ In the following exceptions, however, _gh_ are pronounced
as _f:--cough, chough, clough, enough, laugh, rough, slough, tough,
trough._

xiii. When WH begins a word, the aspirate _h_ precedes _w_ in
pronunciation; as in _what, whiff, whale;_ pronounced _hwat, hwiff,
hwale, w_ having precisely the sound of _oo_, French _ou_. In the
following words _w_ is silent:--_who, whom, whose, whoop, whole._

xiv. H after _r_ has no sound or use; as in _rheum, rhyme_;
pronounced _reum, ryme_.

xv. H should be sounded in the middle of words; as in fore_h_ead,
ab_h_or, be_h_old, ex_h_aust, in_h_abit, un_h_orse.

xvi. H should always be sounded except in the following
words:--heir, herb, honest, honour, hospital, hostler, hour, humour,
and humble, and all their derivatives,--such as humorously, derived
from humour.

xvii. K and G are silent before _n_; as _know, gnaw;_ pronounced
_no, naw._

xviii. W before _r_ is silent; as in _wring, wreath;_ pronounced
_ring, reath._

xix. B after _m_ is silent; as in _dumb, numb;_ pronounced _dum,
num._

xx. L before _k_ is silent; as in _balk, walk, talk;_ pronounced
_bauk, wauk, tauk._

xxi. PH has the sound of _f;_ as in _philosophy;_ pronounced
_filosofy._

xxii. NG has two sounds, one as in _anger_, the other as in
_fin-ger._ **

xxiii. N after _m_, and closing a syllable, is silent; as in _hymn,
condemn._

xxiv. P before _s_ and _t_ is mute; as in _psalm, pseudo,
ptarmigan;_ pronounced _sarm, sudo, tarmigan._

xxv. R, has two sounds, one strong and vibrating, as at the
beginning of words and syllables, such as _robber, reckon, error;_
the other as at the terminations of words, or when succeeded by a
consonant, as _farmer, morn._

xxvi. Before the letter R, there is a slight sound of _e_ between
the vowel and the consonant. Thus, _bare, parent, apparent, mere,
mire, more, pure, pyre,_ are pronounced nearly _baer, paerent,
appaerent, me-er,mier, moer,puer, pyer._ This pronunciation proceeds
from the peculiar articulation of _r_, and it occasions a slight
change of the sound of _a_, which can only be learned by the ear.

xxvii. There are other rules of pronunciation affecting the
combinations of vowels, &c.; but as they are more difficult to
describe, and as they do not relate to errors which are commonly
prevalent, we shall content ourselves with giving examples of them
in the following list of words. When, a syllable in any word in this
list is printed in italics [_like this_], the accent or stress of
voice should be laid on that syllable.

[AUCTIONS COMMENCED IN BRITAIN IN A.D. 1779.]

197. Proper Pronunciations of Words often Wrongly Pronounced.

Again, usually pronounced a-_gen_, not as spelled.

Alien, á-li-en not _ale-yen._

Antipodes, an-_tip_-o-dees.

Apostle, as _a-pos'l_, without the _t_.

Arch, _artch_ in compounds of our own language, as in archbishop,
archduke; but _ark_ in words derived from the Greek, as archaic,
ar-_ka_-ik; archaeology, ar-ke-_ol_-o-gy; archangel,
ark-_ain_-gel; archetype, _ar_-ke-type; archiepiscopal,
ar-ke-e-_pis_-co-pal; archipelago, ar-ke-_pel_-a-go; ar-chives,
_ar_-kivz, &c.

Asia, _a_-sha.

Asparagus as spelled, not asparagrass.

Aunt, ant, not _au_nt.

Awkward, awk-_wurd,_ not awk-_urd._

Bade, bad.

Because, be-_cawz,_ not ba-_cos_

Been, bin.

Beloved, as a verb, be-_luvd;_ as an adjective, be-_luv_-ed.
Blessed, cursed, &c., are subject to the same rule.

Beneath, with the _th_ in breath, not with the _th_ in breathe.

Biog'raphy, as spelled, not beography.

Buoy, boy, not bwoy.

Canal', as spelled, not ca-nel.

Caprice, capreece.

Catch, as spelled, not ketch.

Chaos, _ka_-oss.

Charlatan, _shar_-latan.

Chasm, kazm.

Chasten, chasn.

Chivalry, _shiv_-alry.

Chemistry, _kem'_-is-tre, not _kim_-is-tre.

Choir, kwire.

Clerk, klark.

Combat, _kum_-bat.

Conduit, _kun_-dit.

Corps, kor: the plural corps is pronounced korz.

Covetous, _cuv_-e-tus, not cov-e-tus.

Courteous, _curt_-yus.

Courtesy (politeness), _cur_-te-sey.

Courtesy (a lowering of the body), _curt_-sey.

Cresses, as spelled, not _cree_-ses.

Cu'riosity, cu-re-os-e-ty, not cur_os_ity.

Cushion, _coosh_-un, not coosh-_in_.

Daunt, d_aw_nt, not dant or darnt, as some erroneously pronounce it.

Design and desist have the sound of _s_, not of _z_.

Desire should have the sound of _z_.

Despatch, de-_spatch_, not _dis_-patch.

Dew, due, not doo.

Diamond, as spelled, not _di_mond.

Diploma, de-_plo_-ma, not _dip_-lo-ma.

Diplomacy, de-_plo_-ma-cy, not _dip_-lo-ma-cy.

Direct, de-_reckt_, not _di_-rect.

Divers (several), _di_-verz; but diverse (different), _di_-verse.

Dome, as spelled, not doom.

Drought, drowt, not drawt.

Duke, as spelled, not dook.

Dynasty, _dyn_-as-te, not _dy_-nas-ty.

Edict, _e_-dickt, not _ed_-ickt.

E'en and e'er, een and air.

Egotism, _eg_-o-tizm, not _e_-go-tism.

Either, _e_-ther or _i_-ther.

Engine, _en_-jin, not _in_-jin.

Ensign, _en_-sign; ensigncy, _en_-sin-se.

Epistle, without the _t_.

Epitome, e-_pit_-o-me.

Epoch, e-pock, not ep-ock.

Equinox, e-qui-nox, not eck-wi-nox.

Europe, U-rope, not U-rup. Euro-_pe_an not Eu-ro-pean.

Every, _ev_-er-y, not _ev_-ry.

Executor, egz-_ec_-utor, not with the sound of _x_.

Extraordinary, as spelled, not ex-_tror_--di ner-i, or
_ex_-traordinary, nor extrornarey

February, as spelled, not Febuary.

Finance, fe-_nance_, not _fi_nance.

Foundling, as spelled, not _fond_-ling.

Garden, _gar_-dn, not gar-den, nor gard-ing.

Gauntlet, gawnt-let, not _gant_-let.

Geography, as spelled, not _jo_graphy, or gehography.

Geometry, as spelled, not _jom_-etry.

Haunt, hawnt, not hant.

Height, hite, not highth.

Heinous, _hay_-nuss, not _hee_-nus.

Highland, _hi_-land, not _hee_-land.

Horizon, ho-_ri_-zn, not _hor_-i-zon.

Housewife, pronounced in the ordinary way when it means the mistress
of a house who is a good manager, but _huz_-wif, when it means a
small case for needles.

Hymeneal, hy-men-e-_al_, not hy-menal.

Instead, in-_sted_, not instid.

Isolate _-so_-late; not _iz_-o-late, nor _is_-olate.

Jalap, _jal_-ap, not jolup.

January, as spelled, not Jenuary nor Janewary.

Leave, as spelled, not leaf.

Legend _lej_-end, not _le_-gend.

Lieutenant, lef-_ten_-ant, not leu-_ten_-ant.

Many, _men_-ney, not man-ny.

Marchioness, _mar_-shun-ess, not as spelled.

Massacre, _mas_-sa-ker, not mas-sa-cre.

Mattress, as spelled, not _mat_-trass.

Matron, _ma_-trun, not mat-ron.

Medicine, _med_-e-cin, not _med_-cin.

Minute (sixty seconds), _min_-it.

Minute (small), mi-_nute_.

Miscellany, mis-_cel_-lany, not _mis_-cellany.

Mischievous, _mis_-chiv-us, not mis-_cheev_-us.

Ne'er, for never, nare.

Neighbourhood, _nay_-bur-hood, not _nay_-burwood.

Nephew, _nev_-u, not _nef_u.

New, nu, not noo.

Notable (worthy of notice), _no_-tu-bl.

Oblige, as spelled, not obleege.

Oblique, ob-_leek_, not o-_blike_.

Odorous, o-der-us, not _od_-ur-us.

Of, ov, except when compounded with the here, and where, which
should be pronounced here-_of_, there-_of_, and where-_of_.

Off, as spelt, not awf.

Organization, _or_-gan-i-_za_-shun, not or-ga-_ne_-za-shun.

Ostrich, os-tr'ch, not _os_-tridge.

Pageant, _paj_-ent, not _pa_-jant.

Parent. _pare_-ent, not _par_-ent.

Partisan, _par_-te-zan, not par-te-_zan_, nor _par_--ti-zan.

Patent, _pa_-tent, not _pat_-ent.

Physiognomy, as _fiz_-i-_og_nomy, not phy-sionnomy.

Pincers, _pin_-cerz, not pinch-erz.

Plaintiff, as spelled, not plan-tiff.

Pour, pore, not so as to rhyme with our.

Precedent (an example), _pres_-e-dent; pre-_ce_-dent (going before
in point of time, previous, former), is the pronunciation of the
adjective.

Prologue, _pro_-log, not _prol_-og.

Quadrille, ka-_dril_, not quod-ril.

Quay, key, not as spelled.

Radish, as spelled, not red-ish.

Raillery, _rail'_-er-y, or _ral_-er y, not as spelled.

Rather, _rar_-ther, not ray-ther.

Resort, re-_sort_.

Resound, re-_zound_.

Respite, _res_-pit, not as spelled.

Rout (a party; and to rout), should be pronounced rowt. Route (a
road), root.

Saunter, _saun_-ter, not _sarn_-ter or _san_-ter.

Sausage, _saw_-sage not sos-sidge, nor sassage.

Schedule, _shed_-ule, not shed-dle.

Seamstress is pronounced _seem_-stress, but semp-stress, as the word
is now commonly spelt, is pronounced _sem_-stress.

Sewer, _soo_-er or _su_-er, not shore, nor shure.

Shire, as spelled, when uttered as a single word, but shortened into
shir in composition.

Shone, shon, not shun, nor as spelled.

Soldier, _sole_-jer.

Solecism, _sol_-e-cizm, not sole-cizm.

Soot as spelled, not sut.

Sovereign, _sov_-er-in, not suv-er-in.

Specious, _spe_-shus, not _spesh_-us.

Stomacher, _stum_-a-cher.

Stone (weight), as spelled, not stun.

Synod, _sin_-od, not _sy_-nod.

Tenure, _ten_-ure, not _te_-nure.

Tenet, _ten_-et, not _te_-net.

Than, as spelled, not thun.

Tremor, _trem_-ur, not _tre_-mor.

Twelfth, should have the th sounded.

Umbrella, as spelled, not um-ber-el-la.

Vase, vaiz or varz, not vawze.

Was, woz, not wuz.

Weary, _weer_-i, not w_ar_y.

Were, wer, not ware.

Wont, wunt, not as spelled.

Wrath, rawth, not rath: as an adjective it is spelled wroth, and
pronounced with the vowel sound shorter, as wrath-ful, &c.

Yacht, yot, not yat.

Yeast, as spelled, not yest.

Zenith, _zen_-ith, not _ze_-nith.

Zodiac, _zo_-de-ak.

Zoology should have both o's sounded,as zo-_ol_-o-gy, not
_zoo_-lo-gy

_Note._--The tendency of all good elocutionists is to pronounce as
nearly in accordance with the spelling as possible.

Pronounce:

--ace not iss, as furn_ace_, not furn_iss_.

--age, not idge, as cabbage, courage, postage, village.

--ain, ane, not in, as certain, cert_ane_, not cert_in_.

--ate, not it, as moder_ate_, not moder_it_.

--ect, not ec, as asp_ect_, not asp_ec_; subj_ect_, not subj_ec_.

--ed, not id, or ud, as wicked, not wick_i_d, or wick_u_d.

--el, not l, _mod_el, not _mod_l; _nov_el,not _nov_l.

--en, not n, as sudd_en_, not sudd_n_.--Burden, burthen, garden,
lengthen, seven, strengthen, often, and a few others,have the _e_
silent.

--ence, not unce, as influ_ence_, not influ-_unce_.

--es, not is, as pleas_es_, not pleas_is_.

--ile should be pronounced il, as fert_il_, not fert_ile_, in all
words except chamomile _(cam)_, exile, gentile, infantile,
reconcile and senile, which should be pronounce ile.

--in, not n, as Lat_in_, not Lat_n_.

--nd, not n, as husba_nd_, not husb_an_, thous_and_, not thous_an_.

--ness, not n_iss_, as careful_ness_, not careful n_iss_.

--ng, not n, as singi_ng_, not sing_in_; speaki_ng_, not speak_in_.

--ngth, not nth, as stre_ng_th, not stre_nth_.

--son, the _o_ should be silent; as in treason; _tre-zn_, not
_tre-son_.

--tal, not tle, as capi_tal_, not capi_tle; _me_tal, not met_tle;_
mor_tal_, not mor_tle_; periodi_cal_; not periodi_cle_.

--xt, not x, as ne_xt_, not ne_x_.

[PUBLICATION OF BANNS OF MARRIAGE COMMENCED A.D.1210.]

198. Punctuation.

Punctuation teaches the method of placing _Points_, in written
or printed matter, in such a manner as to indicate the pauses which
would be made by the author if he were communicating his thoughts
orally instead of by written signs.

[SILK FIRST BROUGHT FROM INDIA A.D. 274.]

199. Writing and Printing

are substitutes for oral communication; and correct punctuation is
essential to convey the meaning intended, and to give due force to
such passages as the author may wish to impress upon the mind of the
person to whom they are being communicated.

[WINES WERE FIRST MADE IN BRITAIN A.D. 276.]

200. The Points are as follows:

Comma ,
Semicolon ;
Colon :
Period, or Full Point .
Apostrophe '
Hyphen -
Note of Interrogation ?
Note of Exclamation !
Parenthesis ( )
Asterisk, or Star *

As these are all the points required in simple epistolary composition,
we will confine our explanations to the rules which should govern the
use of them.

201. The Other Points,

however, are:

the paragraph ¶
the section §
the dagger [can not be shown in a .txt file]
the double dagger [ditto]
the parallel ||
the bracket [ ]
and some others.

These, however, are quite unnecessary, except for elaborate works, in
which they are chiefly used for notes or marginal references. The rule
--is sometimes used as a substitute for the bracket or parenthesis.

202. Pauses

The Comma , denotes the shortest pause;
the semicolon ; a little longer pause than the comma;
the colon : a little longer pause than the semicolon;
the period . or full point the longest pause.

203. The Relative Duration

of these pauses is described as:

Comma While you count One.
Semicolon " " " Two.
Colon " " " Three.
Period " " " Four.

This, however, is not an infallible rule, because the duration of the
pauses should be regulated by the degree of rapidity with which the
matter is being read. In slow reading the duration of the pauses
should be increased.

204. The Other Points

are rather indications of expression, and of meaning and connection,
than of pauses, and therefore we will notice them separately.

205. The Misplacing

of even so slight a point, or pause, as the comma, will often alter
the meaning of a sentence. The contract made for lighting the town of
Liverpool, during the year 1819, was thrown void by the misplacing of
a comma in the advertisements, thus:

"The lamps at present are about 4,050, and have in general two
spouts each, composed of not less than twenty threads of cotton."

The contractor would have proceeded to furnish each lamp with the said
twenty threads, but this being but half the usual quantity, the
commissioners discovered that the difference arose from the comma
following instead of preceding the word _each_. The parties agreed to
annul the contract, and a new one was ordered.

206. Without Punctuation.

The Following Sentence shows how difficult it is to read without the
aid of the points used as pauses:

Death waits not for storm nor sunshine within a dwelling in one of
the upper streets respectable in appearance and furnished with such
conveniences as distinguish the habitations of those who rank among
the higher clashes of society a man of middle age lay on his last
bed momently awaiting the final summons all that the most skillful
medical attendance all that love warm as the glow that even an
angel's bosom could do had been done by day and night for many long
weeks had ministering spirits such as a devoted wife and loving
children are done all within their power to ward off the blow but
there he lay his raven hair smoothed off from his noble brow his
dark eyes lighted with unnatural brightness and contrasting strongly
with the pallid hue which marked him as an expectant of the dread
messenger.

[COALS FIRST BROUGHT TO LONDON A.D. 1357.]

207. With Punctuation.

The same sentence, properly pointed, and with capital letters placed;
after full-points, according to the adopted rule, may be easily read
and understood:

Death waits not for storm nor sunshine. Within a dwelling in one of
the upper streets, respectable in appearance, and furnished with
such conveniences as distinguish the habitations of those who rank
among the higher classes of society, a man of middle age lay on his
last bed, momently awaiting the final summons. All that the most
skilful medical attendance--all that love, warm as the glow that
fires an angel's bosom, could do, had been done; by day and night,
for many long weeks, had ministering spirits, such as a devoted
wife; and loving children are, done all within their power to ward
off the blow. But there he lay, his raven hair smoothed off from his
noble brow, his dark eyes lighted with unnatural brightness, and
contrasting strongly with the pallid hue which marked him as an
expectant of the dread messenger.

208. The Apostrophe '

is used to indicate the combining of two words in one,--as John's
book, instead of John, his book; or to show the omission of parts of
words, as Glo'ster, for Gloucester--tho' for though. These
abbreviations should be avoided as much as possible. Cobbett says the
apostrophe "ought to be called the mark of _laziness_ and
vulgarity." The first use, however, of which we gave an example, is a
necessary and proper one.

209. The Hyphen, or conjoiner -

is used to unite words which, though they are separate
and distinct, have so close a connection as almost to become one word,
as water-rat, wind-mill, &c. It is also used in writing and printing,
at the end of a line, to show where a word is divided and continued in
the next line. Look down the ends of the lines in this column, and you
will notice the hyphen in several places.

210. The Note of Interrogation ?

indicates that the sentence to which it is put asks a question; as,
"What is the meaning of that assertion? What am I to do?"

211. The Note of Exclamation or of admiration !

indicates surprise, pleasure, or sorrow; as "Oh! Ah! Goodness!
Beautiful! I am astonished! Woe is me!"

Sometimes, when an expression of strong surprise or pleasure is
intended, two notes of this character are employed, thus!!

212. The Parenthesis ( )

is used to prevent confusion by the introduction to a sentence of a
passage not necessary to the sense thereof. "I am going to meet Mr.
Smith (though I am not an admirer of him) on Wednesday next." It is
better, however, as a rule, not to employ parenthetical sentences.

213. The Asterisk, or Star *

may be employed to refer from the text to a note of explanation at the
foot of a column, or at the end of a letter. [***] Three stars are
sometimes used to call particular attention to a paragraph.

[PAPER MADE OF COTTON RAGS A.D. 1000.]

214. Hints upon Spelling

The following rules will be found of great assistance in writing,
because they relate to a class of words about the spelling of which
doubt and hesitation are frequently felt:

i. All words of one syllable ending in _l_, with a single vowel
before it, have double _l_ at the close; as, _mill_, _sell_.

ii. All words of one syllable ending in _l_, with a double vowel
before it, have one _l_ only at the close: as, _mail_, _sail_.

iii. Words of one syllable ending in _l_, when compounded, retain
but one _l_ each; as, _fulfil_, _skilful_.

iv. Words of more than one syllable ending in _l_ have one _l_ only
at the close; as, _delightful_, _faithful_; except _befall_,
_downfall_, _recall_, _unwell_, &c.

v. All derivatives from words ending in _l_ have one _l_ only; as,
_equality_, from _equal_; _fulness_, from _full_; except they end
in _er_ or _ly_; as, _mill_, _miller_; _full_, _fully_.

vi. All participles in _ing_ from verbs ending in _e_ lose the
_e_ final; as _have, having; amuse, amusing;_ unless they come
from verbs ending in double _e_, and then they retain, both; as,
_see, seeing; agree, agreeing._

vii. All adverbs in _ly_ and nouns in _ment_ retain the _e_ final
of the primitives; as, _brave, bravely; refine, refinement;_
except _acknowledgment, judgment,_ &c.

viii. All derivatives from words ending in _er_ retain the _e_
before the _r;_ as, _refer, reference;_ except _hindrance,_ from
_hinder; remembrance_ from _remember; disastrous_ from _disaster;
monstrous_ from _monster; wondrous_ from _wonder; cumbrous_ from
_cumber,_ &c.

ix. Compound words, if both end not in _i_, retain their primitive
parts entire; as, _millstone, changeable, graceless;_ except
_always, also, deplorable, although, almost, admirable,_ &c.

x. All words of one syllable ending in a consonant, with a single
vowel before it, double that consonant in derivatives; as, _sin,
sinner; ship, shipping; big, bigger; glad, gladder,_ &c.

xi. Words of one syllable ending in a consonant, with a double vowel
before it, do not double the consonant in derivatives: as, _sleep,
sleepy; troop, troopers._

xii. All words of more than one syllable ending in a single
consonant, preceded by a single vowel, and accented on the last
syllable, double that consonant in derivatives; as, _commit,
committee; compel, compelled; appal, appalling; distil,
distiller._

xiii. Nouns of one syllable ending in _y_ preceded by a consonant,
change _y_ into _ies_ in the plural; and verbs ending in _y_,
preceded by a consonant, change _y_ into _ies_ in the third person
singular of the present tense, and into _ied_ in the past tense
and past participle, as, _fly, flies; I apply, he applies; we
reply, we replied, or have replied._ If the _y_ be preceded by a
vowel, this rule is not applicable; as _key, keys; I play, he
plays;_ we have _enjoyed_ ourselves.

xiv. Compound words whose primitives end in _y_ change _y_ into _i_;
as, _beauty, Beautiful; lovely, loveliness._

215. H or no H? That is the Question.

Few things point so directly to the want of _cultivation_ as the
misuse of the letter H by persons in conversation. We hesitate to
assert that this common defect in speaking indicates the absence of
_education_--for, to our surprise, we have heard even educated persons
frequently commit this common, and vulgar error. Now, for the purpose
of assisting those who desire to improve their mode of speaking, we
intend to tell a little story about our next door neighbour, Mrs.
Alexander Hitching,--or, as she frequently styled herself, with an air
of conscious dignity, Mrs. HALEXANDER 'ITCHING. Her husband was a
post-captain of some distinction, seldom at home, and therefore Mrs.
A. H. (or, as she rendered it, Mrs. H. I.) felt it incumbent upon
herself to represent her own dignity, and the dignity of her husband
also. Well, this Mrs. Hitching was a next-door neighbour of ours--a
most agreeable lady in many respects, middle aged, good looking,
uncommonly fond of talking, of active, almost of fussy habits, very
good tempered and good natured, but with a most unpleasant habit of
misusing the letter H to such a degree that our sensitive nerves have
often been shocked when in her society. But we must beg the reader, if
Mrs. H. should be an acquaintance of his, not to breathe a word of our
having written this account of her--or there would be no limit to her
"_h_indignation." And, as her family is very numerous, it will be
necessary to keep the matter as quiet as can be, for it will scarcely
be possible to mention the subject anywhere, without "'orrifying" some
of her relations, and instigating them to make Mrs. H. become our
"_h_enemy," instead of remaining, as we wish her to do, our intimate
friend.

One morning, Mrs. H. called upon me, and asked me to take a walk,
saying that it was her _h_object to look out for an 'ouse, as her
lease had nearly terminated; and as she had often heard her dear
'Itching say that he would like to settle in the neighbourhood of
'Ampstead 'Eath, she should like me to assist her by my judgment in
the choice of a residence.

"I shall he most happy to accompany you," I said.

"I knew you would," said she; "and I am sure a _h_our or two in your
society will give me pleasure. It's so long since we've 'ad a
gossip. Besides which, I want a change of _h_air."

I glanced at her peruke, and for a moment laboured under the idea
that she intended to call at her hairdresser's; but I soon
recollected.

"I suppose we had better take the _h_omnibus," she remarked, "and we
can get out at the foot of the 'ill."

I assented, and in a few minutes we were in the street, in the line
of the omnibus, and one of those vehicles soon appearing--

"Will you 'ail it?" inquired she.

So I hailed it at once, and we got in. Now Mrs. H. was so fond of
talking that the presence of strangers never restrained her--a fact
which I have often had occasion to regret. She was no sooner within
the omnibus than she began remarking upon _h_inconveaience of such
vehicles, because of their smallness, and the _h_insolence of many
of the conductors. She thought that the proprietors ought only to
'ire men upon whose civility they could depend. Then she launched
out into larger topics--said she thought that the _H_emperor of
_H_austria--(here I endeavoured to interrupt her by asking whether
she had any idea of the part of Hampstead she would like; but she
would complete her remarks by saying)--must be as 'appy as the days
are long, now that the _H_empress had presented him with a _hare_ to
the throne! (Some of the passengers smiled, and turning round,
looked out of the windows.)

I much wished for our arrival at the spot where we should alight,
for she commenced a story about an 'andsome young nephew of hers,
who was a distinguished _h_officer of the _h_army. This was
suggested to her, no doubt, by the presence in the omnibus of a
fine-looking young fellow with a moustache. She said that at present
her nephew was stationed in _h_ireland; but he expected soon to be
_h_ordered to South _H_africa.

The gentleman with the moustache seemed much amused, and smilingly
asked her whether her nephew was at all _h_ambitious? I saw that he
(the gentleman with the moustache) was jesting, and I would have
given anything to have been released from the unpleasant predicament
I was in. But what was more annoyance when Mrs. H. proceeded to say
to this youth, whose face was radiant with humour, that it was the
'ight of her nephew's _h_ambition to serve his country in the _h_our
of need; and then she proceeded to ask her fellow-traveller his
opinion, of the _h_upshot of the war--remarking that she 'oped it
would soon be _h_over!

At this moment I felt so nervous that I pulled out my handkerchief,
and endeavoured to create a diversion by making a loud nasal noise,
and remarking that I thought the wind very cold, when an accident
happened which took us all by surprise: one of the large wheels of
the minibus dropped off, and all the passeigers were jostled down
into a corner but, fortunately without serious injury. Mrs. H.,
however, happening to be under three or four persons, raised a loud
cry for "'elp! 'elp!" She was speedily got out, when she assured us
that she was not 'urt; but she was in such a state of _h_agitation
that she wished to be taken to a chemist's shop, to get some
_h_aromatic vinegar, or some _Hoe_ de Cologne! The chemist was
exceedingly polite to her, for which she said she could never
express her _h_obligations--an assertion which seemed to me to be
literally true. It was some time before she resumed her accustomed
freedom of conversation; but as we ascended the hill she explained
to me that she should like to take the house as tenant from '_ear_
to _'ear!_--but she thought landlords would _h_object to such an
agreement, as when they got a good tenant they liked to 'old 'im as
long as they could. She expressed an opinion that 'Amstead must be
very 'ealthy, because it was so 'igh _h_up.