Chapter VI: Part 6

We soon reached the summit of the hill, and turned through a lane
which led towards the Heath, and in which villas and cottages were
smiling on each side. "Now, there's a _h_elegant little place!" she
exclaimed, "just suited to my _h_ideas--about _h_eight rooms and a
_h_oriel _h_over the _h_entrance." But it was not to let--so we
passed on.

Presently, she saw something likely to suit her, and as there was a
bill in the window, "To be let--Enquire Within," she gave a loud
rat-a-tat-tat at the door.

The servant opened it.

"I see this 'ouse is to let."

"Yes, ma'am, it is; will you walk in?"

"'Ow many rooms are there?"

"Eleven, ma'am; but if you will step in, mistress will speak to
you."

A very graceful lady made her appearance at the parlour door, and
invited us to step in. I felt exceedingly nervous, for I at once
perceived that the lady of the house spoke with that accuracy and
taste which is one of the best indications of refinement.

"The house _is_ to let--and a very pleasant residence we have found
it."

"'Ave you _h_occupied it long?"

"Our family has resided here for more than nine years."

"Then, I suppose, your lease 'as run _h_out!"

"No! we have it for five years longer: but my brother, who is a
clergyman, has been appointed to a living in Yorkshire, and for his
sake, and for the pleasure of his society, we desire to remove."

"Well--there's nothing like keeping families together for the sake
of 'appiness. Now there's my poor dear 'Itching" [There she paused,
as if somewhat affected, and some young ladies who were in the room
drew their heads together, and appeared to consult about their
needlework; but I saw, by dimples upon their cheeks, which they
could not conceal, that they were smiling], "'e's 'itherto been
_h_at 'ome so seldom, that I've 'ardly _h_ever known what 'appiness
_h_is."

I somewhat abruptly broke in upon the conversation, by suggesting
that she had better look through the house, and inquire the
conditions of tenancy. We consequently went through the various
rooms, and in every one of them she had "an _h_objection to this,"
or "a 'atred for that," or would give "an 'int which might be
useful" to the lady when she removed. The young ladies were heard
tittering very much whenever Mrs. H. broke out, in a loud voice,
with her imperfect elocution, and I felt so much annoyed, that I
determined to cure her of her defective speaking.

In the evening, after returning home, we were sitting by the fire,
feeling comfortable and chatty, when I proposed to Mrs. Hitching the
following enigma from the pen of the late Henry Mayhew:--

The Vide Vorld you may search, and my fellow not find;
I dwells in a Wacuum, deficient in Vind;
In the Wisage I'm seen--in the Woice I am heard,
And yet I'm inwisible, gives went to no Vurd.
I'm not much of a Vag, for I'm vanting in Vit;
But distinguished in Werse for the Wollums I've writ.
I'm the head of all Willains, yet far from the Vurst--
I'm the foremost in Wice, though in Wirtue the first.
I'm not used to Veapons, and ne'er goes to Vor;
Though in Walour inwincible--in Wictory sure;
The first of all Wiands and Wictuals is mine--
Rich in Wen'son and Weal, but deficient in Vine.
To Wanity given, I in Welwets abound;
But in Voman, in Vife, and in Vidow ain't found:
Yet conspicuous in Wirgins, and I'll tell you, between us,
To persons of taste I'm a bit of a Wenus;
Yet none take me for Veal--or for Voe in its stead,
For I ranks not among the sweet Voo'd, Vun, and Ved!

Before the recital of the enigma was half completed, Mrs. Hitching
laughed heartily--she saw, of course, the meaning of it--that it was a
play upon the Cockney error of using the V instead of the W, and the
latter instead of the V. Several times, as I proceeded, she exclaimed
"_H_excellent! _h_excellent!" and when I had finished, she
remarked that is was very "_h_ingenious," and enough to
"_h_open the _h_eyes" of the Cockneys to their stupid and
vulgar manner of speaking.

A more difficult and delicate task lay before me. I told her that as
she was so much pleased with the first enigma, I would submit another
by the same author. I felt very nervous, but determined to proceed:

I dwells in the Herth, and I breathes in the Hair;
If you searches the Hocean, you'll find that I'm there.
The first of all Hangels, in Holympus am Hi,
Yet I'm banished from 'Eaven, expelled from on 'Igh.
But though on this Horb I am destined to grovel,
I'm ne'er seen in an 'Ouse, in an 'Ut, nor an 'Ovel;
Not an 'Oss nor an 'Unter e'er bears me, alas!
But often I'm found on the top of a Hass.
I resides in a Hattic, and loves not to roam,
And yet I'm invariably absent from 'Ome.
Though 'ushed in the 'Urricane, of the Hatmosphere part,
I enters no 'Ed, I creeps into no 'Art.
Only look, and you'll see in the Heye I appear,
Only 'ark, and you'll 'ear me just breathe in the Hear;
Though in sex not an 'E, I am (strange paradox!)
Not a bit of an 'Eifer, but partly a Hox.
Of Heternity Hi'm the beginning! And, mark,
Though I goes not with Noah, I am first in the Hark.
I'm never in 'Ealth--have with Fysic no power;
I dies in a Month, but comes back In a Hour!

In re-citing the above I strongly emphasized the misplaced _h_'s.
After a brief pause, Mrs. Hitchings exclaimed, "Very good; very
clever." I then determined to complete my task by repeating the
following enigma upon the same letter written by Miss Catherine
Fanshawe and often erroneously attributed to Byron:

'Twas whispered in heaven, 'twas muttered in hell,
And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;
On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,
And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.
'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder,
Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.
'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,
Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death;
It presides o'er his happiness, honour, and health,
Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.
In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,
But is sure to be lost on his prodigal heir.
It begins every hope, every wish it must bound,
With the husbandman toils, with the monarch is crowned.
Without it the soldier and seaman may roam,
But woe to the wretch who expels it from home.
In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,
Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.
'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear,
'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.
But in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower--
Oh, breathe on it softly--it dies in an hour.

She was much pleased, but seemed thoughtful, and once or twice in
conversation checked herself, and corrected herself in the
pronunciation of words that were difficult to her.

A few days afterwards., I called upon her, and upon being introduced
to the parlour to wait for her appearance, I saw lying upon her table
the following:

MEMORANDUM ON THE USE OF THE LETTER H.

Pronounce--Herb, 'Erb.
" Heir, 'Eir.
" Honesty, 'Onesty.
" Honour, 'Onour.
" Hospital, 'Ospital.
" Hostler, 'Ostler.
" Hour, 'Our.
" Humour, 'Umour.
" Humble, 'Umble.
" Humility, 'Umility.

_In all other cases the H is to be sounded when it begins a word._

_Mem_.--Be careful to sound the _H_ slightly in such words as
w_h_ere, w_h_en, w_h_at, w_h_y--don't say were, wen, wat, wy.

I am happy to say that it is now a pleasure to hear Mrs. Hitching's
conversation. I only hope that others may improve as she has done.

[GLASS MANUFACTURING IN ENGLAND A.D. 1457.]

216. Conversation.

There are many talkers, but few who know how to converse agreeably.
Speak distinctly, neither too rapidly nor too slowly. Accommodate the
pitch of your voice to the hearing of the person with whom you are
conversing. Never speak with your mouth full. Tell your jokes, and
laugh afterwards. Dispense with superfluous words--such as, "Well, I
should think," etc.

[TABACCO BROUGHT TO ENGLAND FROM VIRGINIA A.D. 1588.]

217. The Woman who wishes her conversation to be agreeable

will avoid conceit or affectation, and laughter which is not natural
and spontaneous, Her language will be easy and unstudied, marked by a
graceful carelessness, which, at the same time, never oversteps the
limits of propriety. Her lips will readily yield to a pleasant smile;
she will not love to hear herself talk; her tones will bear the
impress of sincerity, and her eyes kindle with animation as she
speaks. The art of pleasing is, in truth, the very soul of good
breeding; for the precise object of the latter is to render us
agreeable to all with whom we associate--to make us, at the same time,
esteemed and loved.

[TELESCOPES INVENTED IN GERMANY A.D. 1590.]

218. Rudeness.

We need scarcely advert to the rudeness of interrupting any one who is
speaking, or to the impropriety of pushing, to its full extent, a
discussion which has become unpleasant.

219. Pedantry.

Some Men have a Mania for Greek and Latin quotations: this is
peculiarly to be avoided. It is like pulling up the stones from a tomb
wherewith to kill the living. Nothing is more wearisome than pedantry.

220. Proportion.

If you feel your Intellectual Superiority to any one with whom you are
conversing, do not seek to bear him down: it would be an inglorious
triumph, and a breach of good manners. Beware, too, of speaking
lightly of subjects which bear a sacred character.

221. Writing and Talking.

It is a Common Idea that the art of writing and the art of
conversation are one; this is a great mistake. A man of genius may be
a very dull talker.

222. Interesting Conversation.

The Two Grand Modes of making your conversation interesting, are to
enliven it by recitals calculated to affect and impress your hearers,
and to intersperse it with anecdotes and smart things. Count Antoine
Rivarol, who lived from 1757 to 1801, was a master in the latter mode.

223. Composition.

If you would write to any purpose, you must be perfectly free from
without, in the first place, and yet more free from within. Give
yourself the natural rein; think on no pattern, no patron, no paper,
no press, no public; think on nothing, but follow your own impulses.
Give yourself as you are, what you are, and how you see it. Everyman
sees with his own eyes, or does not see at all. This is
incontrovertibly true. Bring out what you have. If you have nothing,
be an honest beggar rather than a respectable thief. Great care and
attention should be devoted to epistolary correspondence, as nothing
exhibits want of taste and judgment so much as a slovenly letter.
Since the establishment of the penny postage it is recognised as a
rule that all letters should be prepaid; indeed, many persons make a
point of never taking in an unpaid letter. The following hints may be
worthy of attention:

224. Stamps.

Always put a Stamp on your envelope, at the top, in the right-hand
corner.

225. Direction.

Let the Direction be written very plain; this will save the postman
trouble, and facilitate business by preventing mistakes.

226. Postal District.

If the Address be in London add the letters of the postal district in
which it happens to be, for this also saves trouble in the General
Post Office. Thus in writing to the publishers of "Enquire Within,"
whose house of business is in the East Central (E.C.) postal district,
address your letter to Messrs. Houlston and Sons, Paternoster Square,
London, E.C.

227. Heading.

At the head of your Letter, in the right-hand corner, put your address
in full, with the day of the month underneath; do not omit this,
though you may be writing to your most intimate friend for the third
or even the fourth time in the course of a day.

228. Subject.

What you have to say in your Letter, say as plainly as possible, as if
you were speaking; this is the best rule. Do not revert three or four
times to one circumstance, but finish as you go on.

229. Signature.

Let your signature be written as plainly as possible (many mistakes
will be avoided, especially in writing to strangers), and without any
flourishes, as these do not add in any way to the harmony of your
letter. We have seen signatures that have been almost impossible to
decipher, being a mere mass of strokes, without any form to indicate
letters. This is done chiefly by the ignorant, and would lead one to
suppose that they were ashamed of signing what they had written.

230. Crossing the Page.

Do not cross your letters: surely paper is cheap enough now to admit
of using an extra half-sheet, in case of necessity.

231. Return Envelope.

If you write to a Stranger for information, or on your own business,
be sure to send a stamped envelope with your address plainly written;
this will not fail to procure you an answer.

232. Good Materials.

If you are not a good writer it is advisable to use the best ink,
paper, and pens. For although they may not alter the character of your
handwriting, yet they will assist to make your writing look better.

233. Clean and Neat.

The paper on which you write should be clean, and neatly folded.

234. Stains.

There should not be stains on the envelope; if otherwise, it is only
an indication of your own slovenliness.

235. Individual Respect.

Care must be taken in giving titled persons, to whom you write, their
proper designations.

236. Addresses of Letters.

As this branch of epistolary correspondence is one of the most
important, we subjoin a few additional hints which letter writers
generally would do well to attend to.

i. When writing several letters, place each in its envelope, and
address it as soon as it is written. Otherwise awkward mistakes may
occur, your correspondents receiving letters not intended for them.
If there be a town of the same name as that to which you are writing
existing in another county, specify the county which you mean or,
the address. Thus, Richmond, _Yorkshire_.

ii. When the person to whom you are writing is visiting or residing
at the house of another person, it is considered vulgar to put "at
Mr. So-and-So's," but simply "Mr. So-and-So's," _at_ being
understood.

iii. It is more respectful to write the word "Esquire" in full. The
----substituted for initials is vulgar, and pardonable only in
extreme cases; if the Christian name or initials of your
correspondent do not occur to you at the moment, endeavour to
ascertain them by inquiry.

iv. When addressing a gentleman with the prefix "Mr.," the Christian
name or initials should always follow, being more polite, as well as
avoiding confusion where persons of the same surname may reside in
one house.

v. In addressing a letter to two or more unmarried ladies, write
"The Misses Johnson," and not "The _Miss Johnsons_;" and, lastly,
always write an address clearly and legibly, so that it may not be
delayed in delivery, nor be missent.

237. Addresses of Persons of Rank and Distinction [1]:

238. The Royal Family.

_Superscription_.--To the Queen's (_King's_) Most Excellent Majesty.

_Commencement_.--Most Gracious Sovereign; May it please your Majesty.

_Conclusion_.--I remain, with the profoundest veneration, Your
Majesty's most faithful subject and dutiful servant.

239. Princes of the Blood Royal.

i. _The Sons and Daughters, Brothers and Sisters, Uncles and Aunts of
the Sovereign_.--_Sup._--To His (_Her_) Royal Highness the Prince of
Wales (_Princess Beatrice_).

_Comm_.--Your Royal Highness.

_Con_.--I remain, with the greatest respect (I have the honour to
be), your Royal Highness's most obedient servant.

ii. _Other branches of the Royal Family_.--_Sup._--To His Royal
Highness the Duke of Cambridge.

_Comm_.--Your Royal Highness.

_Con_.--I remain, with the greatest respect, your Royal Highness's
most humble and obedient servant.

240. Nobility and Gentry.

i. _Duke or Duchess.--Sup._--To His Grace the Duke (_Her Grace the
Duchess_) of Northumberland.

_Comm_.--My Lord Duke (_Madam_).

_Con_.--I have the honour to be, My Lord Duke (_Madam_), Your
Grace's most devoted and obedient servant.

ii. _Marquis or Marchioness.--Sup._--To the Most Honourable the
Marquis (_Marchioness_) of Salisbury.

_Comm_.--My Lord Marquis (_Madam_).

_Con_.--I have the honour to be, My Lord Marquis, Your Lordship's
(_Madam, Your Ladyship's_) most obedient and most humble
servant.

iii. _Earl or Countess.--Sup._--To the Right Honourable the Earl
(_Countess_) of Aberdeen.

_Comm_.--My Lord (_Madam_).

_Con_.--I have the honour to be, My Lord, Your Lordship's (_Madam,
Your Ladyship's_) most obedient and very, humble servant.

iv. _Viscount or Viscountess.--Sup._--To the Right Honourable Lord
Viscount (_Lady Viscountess_) Gough.

_Comm_. and _Con_. same as Earl's.

v. _Baron or Baroness.--Sup._--To the Right Honourable Lord (_Lady_)
Rowton.

_Comm. and Con_. same as Earl's.

vi. _Younger Sons of Earls, and all the Sons of Viscounts and
Barons.--Sup._--To the Honourable Arthur Hamilton Gordon.

_Comm_.--Honoured Sir.

_Con_.--I have the honour to be, Honoured Sir, Your most obedient
and very humble servant.

vii. _Baronet and His Wife.--Sup._--To Sir Stafford Northcote, Bart.
(_Lady Northcote_).

_Comm_.--Sir (_Madam_).

_Con._--I have the honour to be, Sir, Your most humble and obedient

viii. _Knight and his Wife_.--_Sup._--To Sir Francis Wyatt Truscott
(Lady Truscott).

_Comm._ and _Con._ as preceding.

ix. _Esquire._--This title is now accorded to every man of position
and respectability, but persons entitled to superior consideration are
distinguished by "&c., &c., &c.," added to their superscription.

The wives of Gentlemen, when several of the same name are married, are
distinguished by the Christian name of their husbands, as Mrs. _John_
Harvey, Mrs. _William_ Temple.

x. _Privy Councillors_.--These have the title of _Right Honourable_,
which is prefixed to their name thus:

_Sup._--To the Right Honourable William Ewart Gladstone, M.P.

_Comm._--Sir.

_Con._--I have the honour to be, Sir, Your most obedient very humble
servant.

[Footnote 1: Adapted from the "Dictionary of Daily Wants," published
by Houlston and Sons, Paternoster Square, E.C., in one volume, half
bound, at 7s. 6d., or in three separate volumes, cloth, each 2s. 6d.]

241. The Clergy.

i. _Archbishop_.--Sup.--To His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury.

_Comm._--Your Grace.

_Con._--I remain, Your Grace's most devoted obedient servant.

ii. _Bishop_.--_Sup._--To the Right Reverend the Bishop of Winchester.

_Comm._--Right Reverend Sir.

_Con._--I remain, Right Reverend Sir, Your most obedient humble
servant.

iii. _Doctor of Divinity_.--_Sup._--To the Reverend James William
Vivian, D.D., or, To the Reverend Dr. Vivian.

_Comm._--Reverend Sir.

_Con._--I have the honour to be, Reverend Sir, Your most obedient
servant.

iv. _Dean._--_Sup._--To the Very Reverend The Dean of St. Paul's; or,
To the Very Reverend Richard William Church, M.A., D.C.L., D.D., Dean
of St. Paul's.

_Comm._--Mr. Dean; or, Reverend Sir.

_Con._--I have the honour to be, Mr. Dean (or Reverend Sir), Your
most obedient servant.

v. _Archdeacon_.--_Sup._--To the Venerable Archdeacon Hessey, D.C.L.

_Comm._--Reverend Sir.

_Con._--I have the honour to remain, Reverend Sir, Your most
obedient servant.

vi. _Clergymen_.--_Sup._--To the Reverend Thomas Dale.

_Com._ and _Con._ same as the preceding.

vii. _Clergymen with Titles_.--When a Bishop or other Clergyman
possesses the title of _Right Honourable_ or _Honourable_, it is
prefixed to his Clerical title, but Baronets and Knights have their
clerical title placed first, as in the following examples:--

_Sup._--To the Right Honourable and Right Reverend the Lord Bishop
of Bath and Wells.

_Sup._--To the Honourable and Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of
Norwich.

_Sup._--To the Right Honourable and Reverend Lord Wriothesley
Russell, M.A.

_Sup._--To the Honourable and Reverend Baptist Wriothesley Noel,
M.A.

_Sup._--To the Reverend Sir Henry R. Dukinfield, Bart, M.A.

No clerical dignity confers a title or rank on the wife of the
dignitary, who is simply addressed _Mistress_, unless possessing a
title in her own right, or through her husband, independently of his
clerical rank.

242. Judges &c.

i. _Lord Chancellor_.--_Sup._--To the Right Honourable Roundell
Palmer, Lord Selborne, Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain.

ii. _Master of the Rolls._--_Sup._--To the Right Honourable the Master
of the Rolls.

iii. _Chief Justice_.--_Sup._--To the Right Honourable the Lord Chief
Justice; or, the Right Honourable Lord Coleridge, Lord Chief Justice
of England.

The Chief Justice of the Court of Common Pleas is addressed in the
same form, and are all styled _My Lord_.

iv. _Lords Justices of Appeal_.--The Lords Justices of Appeal are
Knights, and should be addressed thus:

_Sup_.--To the Right Honourable Sir W. Milbourne James, Knt.

v. _Judge of County Courts._--_Sup_.--To His Honour John James
Jeffreys, Judge of County Courts.

[A DIRTY GRATE MAKES DINNER LATE.]

243. Officers of the Navy and Army.

i. _Naval Officers._--Admirals have the rank of their flag added to
their own name and title thus:

_Sup_.--To the Honourable Sir Richard Saunders Dundas, Admiral of
the White.

If untitled, they are simply styled _Sir_.

_Commodores_ are addressed in the same way as admirals.

_Captains_ are addressed either to "Captain William Smith, R.N.;" or
if on service, "To William Smith, Esquire, Commander of H.M.S.--"

_Lieutenants_ are addressed in the same way.

ii. _Military Officers._--All officers in the army above Lieutenants,
Cornets, and Ensigns, have their military rank prefixed to their name
and title.

_Sup_.--To _General_ Sir Frederick Roberts.

_Subalterns_ are addressed as _Esquire_, with the regiment to which
they belong, if on service.

244. Municipal Officers.

i. _Lord Mayor.--Sup_.--To the Right Honourable the Lord Mayor (_The
Lady Mayoress_) of London, York, Dublin; The Lord Provost (_The Lady
Provost_) of Edinburgh.

_Comm_.--My Lord (_Madam_).

_Con_.--I have the honour to be, my Lord, Your Lordship's (_Madam,
Your Ladyship's_) most obedient humble servant.

ii. The Mayors of all Corporations, with the Sheriffs, Aldermen, and
Recorder of London, are styled _Right Worshipful_; and the Aldermen
and Recorder of other Corporations, as well as Justices of the Peace,
_Worshipful_.

245. Ambassadors.

Ambassadors have _Excellency_ prefixed to the other titles, and their
accredited rank added.

_Sup_.--To His Excellency Count Karolyi, Ambassador Extraordinary
and Plenipotentiary from H.I.M. (His Imperial Majesty) The Emperor
of Austria.

_Sup_.--To His Excellency The Right Honourable Earl of Dufferin,
K.P., G.C.M.G., K.C.B., Her Britannic Majesty's Ambassador
Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to the Sublime Ottoman Porte.

_Comm_.--My Lord.

_Con_.--I have the honour to be, My Lord, Your Excellency's Most
humble obedient servant.

The wives of Ambassadors have also Excellency added to their other
titles.

Envoys and Chargés d'Affaires are generally styled Excellency, but
by courtesy only.

Consuls have only their accredited rank added to their names or
titles, if they have any.

246. Addresses of Petitions, &c.

i. _Queen in Council._--All applications to the Queen in Council, the
Houses of Lords and Commons, &c., are by _Petition_, as follows,
varying only the title:

To the Queen's most Excellent Majesty in Council, The humble
Petition of M.N., &c., showeth That your Petitioner.... Wherefore
Your Petitioner humbly prays that Your Majesty will be graciously
pleased to.... And Your Petitioner, as in duty bound, will ever
pray.

ii. _Lords and Commons._--To the Right Honourable the Lords
Spiritual and Temporal (To the Honourable the Commons) of the United
Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, in Parliament assembled.

The humble Petitioner &c. And your Petitioner [or Petitioners] will
ever pray, &c.

247. To those who Write for the Press.

It would be a great service to editors and printers if all who write
for the press would observe the following rules. They are reasonable,
and correspondents will regard them as such:

i. write with black ink, on white paper, wide ruled.

ii. Make the pages or folios small, one-fourth of a foolscap sheet
is large enough.

iii. Leave the second page of each leaf blank; or, in other words,
write on one side of the paper only.

iv. Give to the written page an ample margin _all round_; or fold
down the left hand side to the extent of one-fourth the width of the
entire paper so as to leave a broad margin on the left side of the
paper.

v. Number the pages; in the order of their succession.

vi. Write in a plain, bold, legible hand, without regard to beauty
of appearance.

vii. Use no abbreviations which are not to appear in print.

viii. Punctuate the manuscript as it should be printed.

ix. For italics underscore one line; for small capitals, two;
capitals, three.

x. Never interline without the caret (^) to show its place.

xi. Take special pains with every letter in proper names.

xii. Review every word, to be sure that none is illegible.

xiii. Put directions to the printer at the head of the first page.

xiv. Never write a private letter to the editor on the printer's
copy, but always on a separate sheet.

248. Hints to those who have Pianofortes.

i. Damp is very injurious to a pianoforte; it ought therefore to be
placed in a dry place, and not exposed to draughts.

ii. Keep your piano free from dust, and do not allow needles, pins, or
bread to be placed upon it, especially if the key-board is exposed, as
such articles are apt to get inside and produce a jarring or whizzing
sound.

iii. Do not load the top of a piano with books, music, &c., as the
tone is thereby deadened, and the disagreeable noise alluded to in the
last paragraph is often produced likewise.

iv. Have your piano tuned about every two months; whether it is used
or not, the strain is always upon it, and if it is not kept up to
concert pitch it will not stand in tune when required, which it will
do if it be attended to regularly.

v. An upright instrument sounds better if placed about two inches from
the wall.

vi. When not in use keep the piano locked.

vii. To make the polish look nice, rub it with an old silk
handkerchief, being careful first of all to dust off any small
particles, which otherwise are apt to scratch the surface.

viii. Should any of the notes keep down when struck, it is a sure sign
that there is damp somewhere, which has caused the small note upon
which the key works to swell.

249. Gardening Operations for the Year.

250. January.--Flowers of the Month.

Christmas Rose, Crocus, Winter Aconite, Alyssum, Primrose, Snowdrop.

251. Gardening Operations.

In-door preparations for future operations must be made, as in this
month there are only five hours a day available for out-door work,
unless the season be unusually mild. Mat over tulip beds, begin to
force roses. Place pots over seakale and surround them with manure,
litter, dried leaves, &c. Plant dried roots of border flowers in mild
weather. Take strawberries in pots into the greenhouse. Take cuttings
of chrysanthemums and strike them under glass. Prune and plant
gooseberry, currant, fruit, and deciduous trees and shrubs. Cucumbers
and melons to be sown in the hot-bed. Apply manures to the soil.

252. February.--Flowers of the Month.

Snowdrop, Violet, Alyssum, Primrose.

253. Gardening Operations.

Transplant pinks, carnations, sweet-williams, candy-tuft, campanulas,
&c. Sow sweet and garden peas and lettuces, for succession of crops,
covering the ground with straw, &c. Sow also Savoys, leeks, and
cabbages. Prune and nail fruit trees, and towards the end of the month
plant stocks for next year's grafting; also cuttings of poplar, elder,
willow trees, for ornamental shrubbery. Sow fruit and forest tree
seeds.

254. March.--Flowers of the Month.

Primrose, Narcissus, Hyacinth, Wallflower, Hepatica, Daisy,
Polyanthus.

255. Gardening Operations.

Seeds of "spring flowers" to be sown. Border flowers to be planted
out. Tender annuals to be potted out under glasses. Mushroom beds to
be made. Sow artichokes, Windsor beans, and cauliflowers for autumn;
lettuces and peas for succession of crops, onions, parsley, radishes,
Savoys, asparagus, red and white cabbages, and beet; turnips, early
brocoli, parsnips and carrots. Plant slips and parted roots of
perennial herbs. Graft trees and protect early blossoms. Force
rose-tree cuttings under glasses.

256. April.--Flowers of the Month.

Cowslip, Anemone, Ranunculus, Tulip, Polyanthus, Auricula, Narcissus,
Jonquil, Wallflower, Lilac, Laburnum.

257. Gardening Operations.

Sow for succession peas, beans, and carrots; parsnips, celery, and
seakale. Sow more seeds of "spring flowers." Plant evergreens,
dahlias, chrysanthemums, and the like, also potatoes, slips of thyme,
parted roots, lettuces, cauliflowers, cabbages, onions. Lay down turf,
remove caterpillars. Sow and graft camelias, and propagate and graft
fruit and rose trees by all the various means in use. Sow cucumbers
and vegetable marrows for planting out. _This is the most important
month in the year for gardeners._

258. May.--Flowers of the Month.

Hawthorn, Gentianella, Anemone, Ranunculus, Columbine, Honeysuckle,
Laburnum, Wistaria.

259. Gardening Operations.

Plant out your seedling flowers as they are ready, and sow again for
succession larkspur, mignonette, and other spring flowers. Pot out
tender annuals. Remove auriculas to a north-east aspect. Take up
bulbous roots as the leaves decay. Sow kidney beans, brocoli for
spring use, cape for autumn, cauliflowers for December; Indian corn,
cress, onions to plant out as bulbs next year, radishes, aromatic
herbs, turnips, cabbages, savoys, lettuces, &c. Plant celery,
lettuces, and annuals; thin spring crops; stick peas, &c. Earth up
potatoes, &c. Moisten mushroom beds.

260. June.--Flowers of the Month.

Water-lily, Honeysuckle, Sweet-william, Pinks, Syringa, Rhododendron,
Delphinium, Stock.

261. Gardening Operations.

Sow giant stocks to flower next spring. Take slips of myrtles to
strike, pipings of pinks, and make layers of carnation. Put down
layers and take cuttings of roses and evergreens. Plant annuals in
borders, and place auriculas in pots in shady places. Sow kidney
beans, pumpkins, cucumbers for pickling, and (late in the month)
endive and lettuces. Plant out cucumbers, marrows, leeks, celery,
broccoli, cauliflowers, savoys, and seedlings, and plants propagated
by slips. Earth up potatoes, &c. Cut herbs for drying when in flower.

262. July.--Flowers of the Month.

Rose, Carnation, Picotee, Asters, Balsams.

263. Gardening Operations.

Part auricula and polyanthus roots. Take up summer bulbs as they go
out of flower, and plant saffron crocus and autumn bulbs. Gather
seeds. Clip evergreen borders and edges, strike myrtle slips under
glasses. Net fruit trees. Finish budding by the end of the month. Head
down espaliers. Sow early dwarf cabbages to plant out in October for
spring; also endive, onions, kidney beans for late crop, and turnips.
Plant celery, endive, lettuces, cabbages, leeks, strawberries, and
cauliflowers. Tie up lettuces. Earth celery. Take up onions, &c., for
drying.

264. August.--Flowers of the Month.

Geranium, Verbena, Calceolaria, Hollyhock.

265. Gardening Operations.

Sow annuals to bloom indoors in winter, and pot all young stocks
raised in the greenhouse. Sow early red cabbages, cauliflowers for
spring and summer use, cos and cabbage lettuce for winter crop. Plant
out winter crops. Dry herbs and mushroom spawn. Plant out strawberry
roots, and net currant trees, to preserve the fruit through the
winter.

266. September.--Flowers of the Month.

Clematis, or Traveller's Joy, Jasmine, Passion Flower, Arbutus.

267. Gardening Operations.

Plant crocuses, scaly bulbs, and evergreen shrubs. Propagate by
layers and cuttings of all herbaceous plants, currant, gooseberry, and
other fruit trees. Plant out seedling pinks. Sow onions for spring
plantation, carrots, spinach, and Spanish radishes in warm spots.
Earth up celery. House potatoes and edible bulbs. Gather pickling
cucumbers. Make tulip and mushroom beds.

268. October.--Flowers of the Month.

Asters, Indian Pink, Chrysanthemum, Stock.

269. Gardening Operations.

Sow fruit stones for stocks for future grafting, also larkspurs and
the hardier annuals to stand the winter, and hyacinths and smooth
bulbs in pots and glasses. Plant young trees, cuttings of jasmine,
honeysuckle, and evergreens. Sow mignonette for pots in winter. Plant
cabbages, &c., for spring. Cut down asparagus, separate roots of
daisies, irises, &c. Trench, drain, and manure.

270. November.--Flowers of the Month.

Laurestinus, Michaelmas Daisy, Chrysanthemum.

271. Gardening Operations.

Sow sweet peas and garden peas for early flowers and crops. Take up
dahlia roots. Complete beds for asparagus and artichokes. Plant dried
roots of border flowers, daisies, &c. Take potted mignonette indoors.
Make new plantations of strawberries, though it is better to do this
in October. Sow peas, leeks, beans, and radishes. Plant rhubarb in
rows. Prune hardy trees, and plant stocks of fruit trees. Store
carrots, &c. Shelter from frost where it may be required. Plant shrubs
for forcing. Continue to trench and manure vacant ground.

272. December.--Flowers of the Month.

Cyclamen and Winter Aconite Holly berries are now available for floral
decoration.

273. Gardening Operations.

Continue in open weather to prepare vacant ground for spring, and to
protect plants from frost. Cover bulbous roots with matting. Dress
flower borders. Prepare forcing ground for cucumbers, and force
asparagus and seakale. Plant gooseberry, currant, apple, and pear
trees. Roll grass-plats if the season be mild and not too wet. Prepare
poles, stakes, pea-sticks, &c., for spring.

274. Kitchen Garden.

This is one of the most important parts of general domestic economy,
whenever the situation of a house and the size of the garden will
permit the members of a family to avail themselves of the advantages
it offers. It is, indeed, much to be regretted that small plots of
ground, in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis more especially,
are too often converted into flower gardens and shrubberies, or used
as mere play-grounds for children, when they might more usefully be
employed in raising vegetables for the family. With a little care and
attention, a kitchen garden, though small, might be rendered not only
useful, but, in fact, as ornamental as a modern grass lawn; and the
same expense incurred to make the ground a laboratory of sweets, might
suffice to render it agreeable to the palate as well as to the
olfactory nerves, and that even without offending the most delicate
optics. It is only in accordance with our plan to give the hint and to
put before the reader such novel points as may facilitate the proposed
arrangement. It is one objection to the formation of a kitchen garden
in front of the dwelling, or in sight of the drawing-room and parlour,
that its very nature makes it rather an eyesore than otherwise at all
seasons. This, however, may be readily got over by a little attention
to neatness and good order, for the vegetables themselves, if properly
attended to, may be made really ornamental; but then, in cutting the
plants for use, the business must be done neatly--all useless leaves
cleared from the ground, the roots no longer wanted taken up, and the
ravages of insects guarded against by sedulous extirpation. It will
also be found a great improvement, where space will admit of it, to
surround the larger plots of ground, in which the vegetables are
grown, with flower borders stocked with herbaceous plants and others,
such as annuals and bulbs in due order of succession, or with neat
espaliers, with fruit trees, or even gooseberry and currant bushes,
trained along them, instead of being suffered to grow in a state of
ragged wildness, as is too often the case.

[A WAITING APPETITE KINDLES MANY A SPITE.]

275. Artificial Mushroom Beds.

Mushrooms may be grown in pots, boxes, or hampers. Each box may be
about three feet long, one and a half broad, and seven inches in
depth. Let each box be half filled with manure in the form of fresh
horse-dung from the stables, the fresher the better, but if wet, it
should be allowed to dry for three or four days before it is put into
the boxes. When the manure has been placed in the box it should be
well beaten down. After the second or third day, if the manure has
begun to generate heat, break each brick of mushroom spawn (which may
be obtained from any seedsman) into pieces about three inches square,
then lay the pieces about four inches apart upon the surface of the
manure in the box; here they are to lie for six days, when it will
probably be found that the side of the spawn next to the manure has
begun to run in the manure below; then add one and a half inch more of
fresh manure on the top of the spawn in the box, and beat it down as
formerly. In the course of a fortnight, when you find that the spawn
has run through the manure, the box will be ready to receive the mould
on the top; this mould must be two and a half inches deep, well beaten
down, and the surface made quite even. In the space of five or six
weeks the mushrooms will begin to come up; if the mould then seems
dry, give it a gentle watering with lukewarm water. The box will
continue to produce from six weeks to two months, if duly attended to
by giving a little water when dry, for the mushrooms need neither
_light_ nor _free air_. If cut as button mushrooms each box will yield
from twenty-four to forty-eight pints, according to the season and
other circumstances. They may be kept in dry dark cellars, or any
other places where the frost will not reach them. By preparing in
succession of boxes, mushrooms may be had all the year through.--They
may be grown without the manure, and be of a finer flavour. Take a
little straw, and lay it carefully in the bottom of the mushroom box,
about an inch thick, or rather more. Then take some of the spawn
bricks and break them down--each brick into about ten pieces, and lay
the fragments on the straw, as close to each other as they will lie.
Cover them up with mould three and a half inches deep, and well
pressed down. When the surface appears dry give a little tepid water,
as directed for the mode of raising them described above, but this
method needs about double the quantity of water that the former does,
owing to having no moisture in the bottom, while the other has the
manure. The mushrooms will begin to start in a month or five weeks,
sometimes sooner, sometimes later, according to the heat of the place
where the boxes are situated.

[SOME HOURS WE SHOULD FIND FOR THE PLEASURES OF THE MIND.]

276. Dwarf Plants.

The following method of producing miniature trees is taken from an
article on this subject in 'Gardening Illustrated'.

"Take an orange, and having cut a hole in the peel about the size of
a shilling, take out the juice and pulp. Fill the skin thus emptied
with some cocoa-nut fibre, fine moss, and charcoal, just stiffened
with a little loam, and then put an acorn or a date stone, or the
seed or kernel of any tree that it is proposed to obtain in a
dwarfed form in this mixture, just about the centre of the hollow
orange peel. Place the orange peel in a tumbler or vase in a window,
and occasionally moisten the contents with a little water through
the hole in the peel, and sprinkle the surface apparent through the
hole with some fine woodashes. In due time the tree will push up its
stem through the compost and the roots will push through the orange
peel. The roots must then be cut off flush with the peel, and this
process must be repeated at frequent intervals for about two years
and a half. The stem of the tree will attain the height of four or
five inches and then assume a stunted gnarled appearance, giving it
the appearance of an old tree. When the ends of the roots are cut
for the last time, the orange peel, which, curiously enough, does
not rot, must be painted black and varnished."

The writer of the article saw this process carried out by a Chinaman
that he had in his service, and the trees thrived and presented a
healthy appearance for eight years, when the Chinaman left his employ
and took the trees with him. He tried the plan which has been
described but failed, but he was successful with an acorn and a
datestone which were planted each in a thumb-pot in a mixture of peat
and loam. The dwarfing was effected by turning the plants out of the
pots at intervals of six weeks and pinching off the ends of the roots
that showed themselves behind the compost. This shows that the
production of dwarf plants is chiefly due to a constant and systematic
checking of the root growth.

277. To Clear Rose Trees from Blight.

Mix equal quantities of Sulphur and tobacco dust, and strew the
mixture over the trees of a morning when the dew is on them. The
insects will disappear in a few days. The trees should then be
syringed with a decoction of elder leaves.

278. To prevent Mildew on all sorts of Trees.

The best preventive against mildew is to keep the plant subject to it
occasionally syringed with a decoction of elder leaves, which will
prevent the fungus growing on them.

279. Your Friend the Toad.

Toads are among the best friends the gardener has; for they live
almost exclusively on the most destructive kinds of vermin. Unsightly,
therefore, though they may be, they should on all accounts be
encouraged; they should never be touched nor molested in any way; on
the contrary, places of shelter should be made for them, to which they
may retire from the burning heat of the sun. If you have none in your
garden, it will be quite worth your while to search for them in your
walks, and bring them home, taking care to handle them tenderly, for
although they have neither the will nor the power to injure you, a
very little rough treatment will injure them; no cucumber or melon
frame should be without one or two.

280. Slugs and Snails

are great enemies to every kind of garden plant, whether flower or
vegetable; they wander in the night to feed, and return at daylight to
their haunts. In order to catch them lay cabbage leaves about the
ground, especially on the beds which they frequent. Every morning
examine these leaves, and you will find a great many taking refuge
beneath, and these may be killed by sprinkling them with a little lime
or salt. These minerals are very annoying to snails and slugs; a pinch
of salt kills them, and they will not touch fresh lime. It is a common
practice to sprinkle lime over young crops, and along the edges of
beds, about rows of peas and beans, lettuces and other vegetables; but
when it has been on the ground some days, or has been moistened by
rain, it loses its strength.

[LET THE TICKING CLOCK GUIDE THE BOILING CROCK.]

281. Traps for Snails.

Snails are particularly fond of bran; if a little is spread on the
ground, and covered over with a few cabbage-leaves or tiles, they will
congregate under them in great numbers, and by examining them every
morning, and destroying them, their numbers will be materially
decreased.

282. Grubs.

Grubs on orchard trees, and gooseberry and currant bushes, will
sometimes be sufficiently numerous to spoil a crop; but if a bonfire
be made with dry sticks and weeds on the windward side of the orchard,
so that the smoke may blow among the trees, you will destroy
thousands; for the grubs have such an objection to smoke, that very
little of it makes them roll themselves up and fall off: they must be
swept up afterwards and destroyed.

283. Caterpillars and Aphides.

A garden syringe or engine, with a cap on the pipe full of very minute
holes, will wash away these disagreeable visitors very quickly. You
must bring the pipe close to the plant, and pump hard, so as to have
considerable force on, and the plant, however badly infested, will
soon be cleared, without receiving any injury. Afterwards rake the
earth under the trees, and kill the insects that have been dislodged,
or many will recover and climb up the stems of the plants. Aphides may
also be cleared by means of tobacco smoke, but after this has been
applied the plant should be well syringed.

284. Butterflies and Moths,

however pretty, are the worst enemies one can have in a garden; a
single insect of this kind may deposit eggs enough to overrun a tree
with caterpillars, therefore they should be destroyed at any cost of
trouble.

285. Birds.

To prevent destruction of fruit buds by birds.--Just before the buds
are ready to burst, and again when they have begun to expand, give
them a plentiful dusting with chimney soot. The soot is unpalatable to
the birds, and they will attack no bush that is thus sprinkled. It in
no way injures the nascent blossom or leaf, and is washed off in due
course of time by the rain.

286. Wasps.

Wasps destroy a good deal of fruit, but every pair of wasps killed in
spring saves the trouble and annoyance of a swarm in autumn.

287. Cure for Sting of Wasp or Bee.

A little ammonia applied to the puncture will speedily relieve the
pain, and so will the juice of an onion obtained by cutting an onion
in half and rubbing the cut part over the part affected. It is
necessary, however, to be very careful in any attempt upon a wasp, for
its sting, like that of the bee, causes much pain and frequently
induces considerable swelling. In case of being stung, get the
blue-bag from the laundry, and rub it well into the wound as soon as
possible. Later in the season, it is customary to hang vessels of
beer, or water and sugar, in the fruit-trees, to entice them to drown
themselves. A wasp in a window may be killed almost instantaneously by
the application of a little sweet oil on the tip of a feather.

288. To protect Dahlias from Earwigs.

Dip a piece of wool or cotton in oil, and slightly tie it round the
stalk, about a foot from the earth. The stakes which you will put into
the ground to support your plants must also be surrounded by the oiled
cotton or wool, or the insects will climb up them to the blossoms and
tender tops of the stems. Insects may be prevented from climbing up
stakes, trees, &c., by encircling them with a broad ring of tar, which
may be renewed as often as may be necessary. Small pots inverted and
placed on the top of stakes form a useful trap for slugs, snails,
earwigs, &c., which crawl into them for shelter in the early morning,
and may thus be caught and destroyed. When it is sought to take
earwigs by this means, the bottom of each pot should be filled with a
wisp of hay or dried grass, or a little cotton wool.

289. To free Plants from Leaf-Lice.

The following is recommended as a cheap and easy mode of getting
rid of this pest:--Mix one ounce of flowers of sulphur with one bushel
of sawdust; scatter this over the plants infected with these insects:
they will soon be freed, though a second application may possibly be
necessary.

290. A Moral.

I had a little spot of ground,
Where blade nor blossom grew,
Though the bright sunshine all around
Life-giving radiance threw.
I mourned to see a spot so bare
Of leaves of healthful green,
And thought of bowers, and blossoms fair,
I frequently had seen.

Some seeds of various kinds lay by--
I knew not what they were--
But, rudely turning o'er the soil,
I strewed them thickly there;
And day by day I watched them spring
From out the fertile earth,
And hoped for many a lovely thing
Of beauty and of worth.

But as I marked their leaves unfold
As weeds before my view,
And saw how stubbornly and bold
The thorns and nettles grew--
I sighed to think that I had done,
Unwittingly, a thing
That, where a beauteous bower should thrive,
But worthless weeds did spring.

And thus I mused; the things we do,
With little heed or ken,
May prove of worthless growth, and strew
With thorns the paths of men;
For little deeds, like little seeds,
May flowers prove, or noxious weeds!

291. Taking a House.

Before taking a house, be careful to calculate that the rent is not
too high in proportion to your means; for remember that the rent is a
claim that must be paid with but little delay, and that the landlord
has greater power over your property than any other creditor. It is
difficult to assign any fixed proportion between income and rental to
suit all cases, but a reasonable basis for the settlement of this
point may be found in the assertion that while not less than one-tenth
of a man's entire income need be set apart for rent, not more than a
sixth, or at the very utmost a fifth should be devoted to this
purpose, and this amount ought to include parochial rates and taxes.

292. Having determined the Amount of Rent

which you can afford to pay, be careful to select the best and most
convenient house which can be obtained for that sum. And in making
that selection let the following matters be carefully considered:

293. First--Carefully regard the Healthfulness of the Situation.

Find out the nature of the sub-soil on which the house stands--for
example, a gravel or chalk subsoil is better than a subsoil of clay,
because the former admits of a speedy escape of the surplus water in
time of heavy and continuous rain, while the latter does not. Avoid
the neighbourhood of graveyards, and of factories giving forth
unhealthy vapours. Avoid low and damp districts, the course of canals,
and localities of reservoirs of water, gas works, &c. Make inquiries
as to the drainage of the neighbourhood, and inspect the drainage and
water supply of the premises. A house standing on an incline is likely
to be better drained than one standing upon the summit of a hill, or
on a level below a hill. Endeavour to obtain a position where the
direct sunlight falls upon the house, for this is absolutely essential
to health; and give preference to a house the openings of which are
sheltered from the north and east winds.

294. Second--Consider the Distance of the House

from your place of occupation: and also its relation to provision
markets, and shops in the neighbourhood.

295. Examine the House in Detail.

Having considered these material and leading features, examine the
house in detail, carefully looking into its state of repair; notice
the windows that are broken; whether the chimneys smoke; whether they
have been recently swept; whether the paper on the walls is damaged,
especially in the lower parts, and the corners, by the skirtings;
whether the locks, bolts, handles of doors, and window fastenings are
in proper condition; make a list of the fixtures; ascertain whether
all rates and taxes have been paid by the previous tenant, and whether
the person from whom you take the house is the original landlord, or
his agent or tenant. And do not commit yourself by the signing of any
agreement until you are satisfied upon all these points, _and see that
all has been done which the landlord may have undertaken to do, before
you take possession of the house_.

[A BLUNT KNIFE SHOWS A DULL WIFE.]

296. If you are about to Furnish a House,

buy merely enough to get along with at first, and add other things by
degrees. It is only by experience that you can tell what will be the
wants of your family. If you spend all your money, you will find you
have purchased many things you do not actually want, and have no means
left to get many things which you do want. If you have enough, and
more than enough, to get everything suitable to your situation, do not
think you must spend all, you may be able to lay out in furniture,
merely because you happen to have it. Begin humbly. As riches
increase, it is easy and pleasant to increase in comforts; but it is
always painful and inconvenient to decrease. Neatness, tastefulness,
and good sense may be shown in the management of a small household,
and the arrangement of a little furniture, as well as upon a larger
scale. The consideration which many purchase by living beyond their
income, and, of course, living upon others, is not worth the trouble
it costs. It does not, in fact, procure a man valuable friends, or
extensive influence.

297. Carpets.

In buying carpets, as in everything else, those of the best quality
are cheapest in the end. As it is extremely desirable that they should
look as clean as possible, avoid buying carpeting that has any white
in it. Even a very small portion of white interspersed through the
pattern will in a short time give a dirty appearance to the whole.

298. A Carpet in which all the Colours are Light

never has a clean, bright effect, from the want of dark tints to
contrast and set off the light ones.

299. For a Similar Reason,

carpets whose colours are all of what artists call middle tint
(neither dark nor light), cannot fail to look dull and dingy, even
when quite new.

300. For a Carpet to be really Beautiful

and in good taste, there should be, as in a picture, a judicious
disposal of light and shadow, with a gradation of very bright and of
very dark tints; some almost white, and others almost or quite black.

301. The Best Carpets