Chapter I: Front Matter (1)

THE

COMIC ALMANACK.

1ST SERIES, 1835-1843.

_NOTICE._

A SECOND SERIES of "_THE COMIC ALMANACK_," embracing the years 1844—53, a ten years' gathering of the BEST HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest Quips, and the Best Things of THACKERAY, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH, A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Woodcuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE, LANDELLS—

may also be had of the Publishers of this volume, and uniform
with it, nearly 600 pages, price 7_s._ 6_d._

The Cold Water Cure
]

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING
MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY

THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A. BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.

"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF."
]

=With many Hundred Illustrations=

BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK

AND OTHER ARTISTS.

_FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843._

=London:=

CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY.

CONTENTS

NOTICE
PRELIMINARY
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1835.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1836.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1837.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1838.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1839.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1840.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1841.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1842.
THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1843.

PRELIMINARY

THE "Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending over a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusive, they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the varied excellences of his marvellous power.

The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of the "Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers Mayhew, the late Robert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of "Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and "Barber Cox, or the Cutting of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for 1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2_s._ 6_d._, but in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to 1_s._ The change did not produce the increased circulation expected, and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2_s._ 6_d._ In this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added, and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner, the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the work.

For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly sought after by collectors, and as much as 6_l._ and 7_l._ have been given for good copies.

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
FOR 1835.

PRELUDIUM.

SCENE.—_An Apartment in the House of_ FRANCIS MOORE, _in which that
renowned Physician and Astrologer is discovered, lying at the
point of death_. _The_ NURSE _is holding up his head, while a
skilful_ MEDICINER _is dispensing a potion_. _Sundry_ OLD WOMEN
_surround his couch, in an agony of grief_. _The_ ASTROLOGER
_starteth up in a paroxysm of rage_.

_Moore._ "Throw physic to the dogs," I'll gulp no more.
I'm done for: my prophetic life is o'er.
Who are these hags? and wherefore come they here?

_Old Women._ Alack! he raves, and knows us not, poor dear!
To think he should his _only friends_ forget!
Who've fostered him, and made him quite a pet.

_Moore._ Begone, ye beldames! wherefore do ye howl?

_Old Women._ We've come to comfort your unhappy sowl.

_Nurse._ 'Tis the Old Women,—pr'ythee, do not scare 'em,—
Who to the last have bought your VOX STELLARUM;
They're sorely griev'd, and fear that you will die;
And then, alack-a-day! who'll read the sky?

_Moore._ Oh, ah!—yes—well,—just so—just so,
I see—I feel—I smell—I know—I know.

_Nurse._ Poor soul! he's going fast. Oh! shocking shock!
So kind a master.... Bless me! there's a knock!

_Enter_ RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, _in deep mourning_.

_Rig. Fun._ "Ye black and midnight hags! what is't ye do?"

_Nurse._ Speak softly, Sir; my master's turning blue.
He's not been sensible since last November.

_Rig. Fun._ (_aside_) Nor ever was, that I can e'er remember.
But we must talk before his course is run.

_Moore._ Who's that?—my sight grows dim—Is't RIGDUM FUN?

_Rig. Fun._ The same, great MOORE!

_Moore._ But, bless me! all in black!
What! mourn a _living_ man! Alack! alack!

_Rig. Fun._ I wear _prospective_ mourning, thus to shew
The solemn grandeur of _prophetic woe_.

_Moore._ The thought is _lively_, though the subject's _grave_;
And, therefore, you my free forgiveness have.

_Rig. Fun._ How can I serve you, ere you vanish hence?

_Moore._ I wish you'd cut the throat of COMMON SENSE.
To him I owe my death. That cruel wight
Long on my hopes has cast a fatal blight.
I knew I had receiv'd the mortal blow,
When first he wounded me, six years ago;
And every year the knave has stronger grown,
While ev'ry year has sunk me lower down.

_Rig. Fun._ I will avenge you;—nay, I'll go much further:
The "Crowner's quest" shall find him guilty "Murther."
The common hangman shall cut short his breath;
And, by a shameful end, avenge _your_ death.

_Moore._ 'Tis kindly said; and I in peace shall die.
Say, is there aught that _you_ would ask of _I_?

_Rig. Fun._ Oh, FRANCIS MOORE! who soon _no_ MORE wilt be;
I came, a precious boon to beg of thee:—
One gracious favour, ere you breathe your last,—
_On_ ME _your Prophet's mantle deign to cast!_
Let _me_ be raised to your deserted throne,
And call your countless subjects all my own.
Then let the mirth, they levell'd once at thee,
Fall, if it will, with tenfold force on me.
If all will laugh at _me_, who laugh'd at _you_,
The frowns of fortune I no more shall rue;
Nay, with such temper would I bear their jeers,
I could endure them for a hundred years.

_Moore._ Life's ebbing fast; my sands are nearly run;
But you shall have what you request, my son!
Now, sit you down, and write what I shall say,—
The last bright glimmerings of the taper's ray.
I'll shew you how to pen those strains so well,
Of which the meaning no one e'er could tell.
Send forth the women;—draw a little nigher;
My brain is heating with prophetic fire.

_Rig. Fun._ Matrons, abscond! (_They depart glumpishly; carrying
off the Mediciner._) Now, Dad, I'm all attention,
To learn the wisdom that's past comprehension.

_Moore._ "The fiery Mars with furious fury rages."

_Rig. Fun._ I've penn'd that down, most erudite of sages!

_Moore._ "The Dog-star kindles with inflaming ire."

_Rig. Fun._ Just wait a moment, while I stir the fire.

_Moore._ "Terrific portents flame along the sky;
"I know the cause,—but dare not mention why."

_Rig. Fun._ (_aside_) Which shews your prophecying's all my eye.

_Moore._ "The planets are the book in which I read,—"

_Rig. Fun._ I'm very glad to hear that you succeed.
You've better luck than when you went to school;
For there, I guess, they perch'd you on a stool.

_Moore._ I read this solemn truth, as in a glass,—
'Whate'er will happen's sure to come to pass;'
"And if it don't, why 'set me down an ass.'"

_Rig. Fun._ That's done already; for to me 'twas plain,
An ass you were, and ever would remain.

_Moore._ Avaunt! I'll speak no more to ears profane.

[_The scene openeth, and discovereth the Shade of the great
Astrologer_, LILLY, _enveloped in a fog, who claspeth_ FRANCIS
MOORE _in his arms, and mizzleth off with him in a mist_.—_N.B.
The renowned_ PHYSICIAN _droppeth his threadbare mantle, which
falleth on_ RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, _who maketh his exit therewith
joyfully_.

┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ │ JANUARY. │ [1835.│ ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ │ │When you first go to bathe, gentle Sir, in a river, │ │ │If you dip in one foot, it will give you a shiver; │ │ │But if you've the pluck to plunge in your whole body, │ │ │You'll not shiver at all, you poor timid noddy! │ │ │Just so with my rhymes,—I've got thro' my first │ │ │ trouble: │ │ │Had I stood shilly-shally, my toil had been double. │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│toes │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 2│nose │ COMFORTS OF THE SEASON. │ Weather │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 3│froze │Chilblains sore on all your toes, │ likely │ │ │ │Icicles hang from your nose │ │ │ 4│blue │Rheumatis' in all your limbs; │ ☍ ☌ △ ♄ │ │ │ │Noddle full of aches and whims; │ │ │ 5│who │Chaps upon your hands and lips, │ to be │ │ │ │And lumbago in your hips. │ │ │ 6│you │To your bed you shiv'ring creep, │ cold │ │ │ │There to freeze, but not to sleep; │ │ │ 7│ice │For the sheets, that look so nice, │ │ │ │ │Are to you two sheets of ice; │ □ ♃ △ ♂ │ │ 8│trice │Wearied out, at length you doze, │ │ │ │ │And snatch, at last, a brief repose, │ if │ │ 9│down │Dream all night that you're a dab, │ │ │ │ │Lying on fishmonger's slab. │ │ │10│crown │While indulging in a snore, │ the frost │ │ │ │There comes a rap at chamber door; │ │ │11│folk │Screaming voice of Betty cries: │ │ │ │ │"If you please, it's time to rise." │ △ ⚹ ☉ │ │12│joke │Up you start, and, on the sheet, │ │ │ │ │Find your breath is chang'd to sleet; │is very old:│ │13│in │Tow'rds the glass you turn your view, │ │ │ │ │Find your nose of purple hue, │ │ │14│grin │Looking very like, I trow, │ If no snow │ │ │ │Beet-root in a field of snow. │ │ │15│out │You would longer lie, but nay, │ ☿ ♄ △ ♂ □ │ │ │ │Time is come,—you must away. │ │ │16│shout │Out you turn, with courage brave, │ │ │ │ │Slip on drawers,—and then to shave! │ should │ │17│cram │Seize the jug, and in a trice, │ │ │ │ │Find the water chang'd to ice: │ chance to │ │18│ham │Break the ice, and have to rue │ │ │ │ │That you've broke the pitcher too. │ fall │ │19│jam │Water would not run before; │ │ │ │ │Now, it streams upon the floor, │ │ │20│dram │Threat'ning with a fearful doom, │ □ ☌ ⚹ ☉ │ │ │ │Ceiling of the drawing-room. │ │ │21│twelfth │In the frenzy of despair, │ │ │ │ │You seize you don't know what, nor care, │ then │ │22│night │Mop up all the wet and dirt, │ │ │ │ │And find you've done it with your shirt; │ perhaps │ │23│bright │Your _only_ shirt,—all filth and slosh,— │ │ │ │ │_For all the rest are in the wash._ │ │ │24│sight │Into bed you turn again, │ ☿ △ ♂ ☉ ⚹ │ │ │ │Ring the bell with might and main, │ │ │25│bake │Stammer out to Betty, why │ □ ♄ │ │ │ │'Twixt the sheets you're forc'd to lie, │ │ │26│cake │'Till, pitying your feelings hurt, │ │ │ │ │She dabs you out another shirt. │ no frost │ │27│nice │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │28│slice │ │ ☉ □ △ │ │ │ │ │ │ │29│twice │ │ │ │ │ │ │ at all. │ │30│quaff │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │31│laugh │ │ ♃ △ ☍ □ ♂ │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

JANUARY.
]

ASS-TROLOGICAL PREDICTIONS.

I now proceed to put on my conjuring cap, and shew forth the wonders of the stars.

On looking at the moon, through my 500-horse power telescope, which magnifieth the planets 97,000,000 of times larger than life, I discern, that the march of intellect hath already travelled to that luminary; for I do distinctly perceive divers juveniles, of eighty years old and upwards, seated on stools, with horn-books in their hands. The Man in the Moon is also very busy, striving to metamorphose his sticks into _brooms_, to sweep away the cobwebs of ignorance therewith. Moreover, I do observe about half a million miles of cast-iron rail-road, in the direction of the earth, by which I do opine an inclination towards this planet. But there doth appear a great consternation amongst the other constellations, more especially in the _Upper House_, where _Libra_ hath got into fiery opposition with _Mars_; and _Saturn_ (who hath grown _Grey_) hath, in striving to part them, lost the skirts of his coat, and is glad to put up with a _Spencer_, whereby is clearly shadowed forth a fierce encounter between two great commanders. Let those, who think little of law and justice, read the 10,000 volumes of the Abridgment of the Statutes, and tremble!

Touching the affairs of Europe _in general_, I can say nothing _in particular_; excepting that I observe, that the Pope of Rome hath been furiously dealing forth his anathemas,[1] wherein he doth betray a most marvellous lack of wit; for doth he opine, that Christian folk are such _calves_ as to be _cow'd_ by a _bull_? Verily, it toucheth me sore, to note the silly doings of the crazy old beldame, who hath turned the world topsy-turvy for so many centuries, when she might gather her petticoats about her, and sit down in peace and quietness, by merely—my old friend and gossip, _Poor Humphrey_, sagaciously observeth,—just turning _Protestant_. And, in good sooth, when we come to think of it, there need be no quarrellings and bickerings on religious grounds, nor scruples for conscience' sake, in any part of the world, if all the Pagans, Hindoos, Mahometans, Jews and folks of every religion, and of no religion at all, were only just to make up their minds to do the same thing. And, pray, let me ask, what can be a more simple piece of advice?

Footnote 1:

The Abbé de la Mennais has roused the thunder of the Vatican by his
_Paroles d'un Croyant_. The Pope has addressed an evangelical letter
to the prelates of the Catholic world, in which the Abbé is compared
with John Huss and Wickliff, and his Holiness says:—"We damn for ever
this book of small size but huge depravity."—_Morning Post, June,
1834._

THE GREAT COMET.

Though, touching Comets, Tycho Brahe, Kepler, Halley, Sir Isaac Newton, and others of that stamp, do deny their malign influence on mundane affairs, yet I, RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, holding in far greater reverence the wisdom of our ancestors, and the sage opinion of my renowned defunct predecessor, FRANCIS MOORE, do maintain, that they cast a sinister aspect on this terrestrial globe; yea, and do mightily, in a most adverse fashion, affect the same. Where-fore, I say, look, when the _Great Comet_ cometh, for a sufficient reason, in the coming thereof, for every thing which shall happen contrariwise; whether it be the falling of kings, or the falling of stocks; the quarrels of nations, or the squabbles of matrimony; the crash of empires, or the smash of crockery; the tyranny of despots, or the scolding of wives:—yea, I do say again, place them all to the account of the _Great Comet_.

* * * * *

Hereafter do follow sundry matters, both pleasant and profitable.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

MATRIMONY.—A highly respectable Gentleman, who has, for many years, distinguished himself as an important Public Functionary, is desirous of _haltering_ his condition, and tying the _knot_ of wedlock with a Lady of congenial sentiments. Having, himself, a very tender disposition, he stipulates for the same on the part of the object of his attachment; and as he is partial to _good spirits_, he hopes she will always have a stock. She must be duly impressed with a regard for the dignity of her husband's station, and must never associate with her inferiors, and whatever _pledges_ she makes, she must be careful to _redeem_. The Advertiser is not very particular as to personal attractions; and with regard to money, he has seen so many people in a state of _dependence_, that he merely trusts she will come provided against such an unpleasant contingency. On these conditions, which are the _gaol_ of his wishes, he will give the fair object of his affections her _full swing_, and be perfectly _resigned to his fate_. He anxiously looks for a _line_, addressed "JOHN KETCH, Esq., opposite the Debtors' Door, Old Bailey."

N.B. The _Schoolmaster in Newgate_, who drew up the above advertisement, for his respected friend, Mr. Ketch, takes this opportunity of contradicting a report, which has been current for some time past,—that the Schoolmaster is _abroad_, which is quite _foreign_ from the fact. Arrangements were certainly made to that effect, which, had they been carried into execution, he would have been quite _transported_; but he regrets to state, that he is under the necessity of remaining at his old abode, the large stone house in the Old Bailey.

FEBRUARY.
]

┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │1835.] │ FEBRUARY. │ ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │Birds, this month, do bill and coo; │ │ │Do the like, and you may rue. │ │ │Courting is a pretty pleasure; │ │ │Wed in haste, repent at leisure. │ │ │ * * * * * * │ │ │To hen-peck'd husbands what a feast! │ │ │This month, all women talk the least. │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│mizzle │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Rain or │ │ │ │ │ hail, │ │ 2│drizzle │ VALENTINE'S DAY. │ │ │ │ │ │ ☽ ☍ │ │ 3│frizzle │I can't make out what they're about, │ │ │ │ │ Nor how the men incline; │ snow or │ │ │ │ │ sleet │ │ 4│raw │I've watch'd each knock, since nine │ │ │ │ │ To get a Valentine. │ ☉ ♊ ♓ ♓ │ │ 5│thaw │ │ │ │ │ │In vain I've tried on every side, │ in │ │ 6│hearts │ Some happy chance to see, │ │ │ │ │For, ah, alas! there came to pass │ this month │ │ 7│darts │ No Valentine for me. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 8│smarts │From morn till night I've scream'd "The │ ☌ ♈ ♒ ♄ ⚹ │ │ │ │ light │ │ │ │ │ Guitar," above a week. │ │ │ 9│loves │"Bid me discourse, has made me hoarse, │ you're │ │ │ │ Till I can scarcely speak. │ │ │10│doves │ │ sure to │ │ │ │ │ meet. │ │ │ │Through rain and snow I always go │ │ │11│gloves │ To Tuesday evening lecture, │ │ │ │ │Yet snow and rain don't bring a swain; │ ♀ ♂ ☿ │ │12│willing │ And why, I can't conjecture. │ │ │ │ │ │If you don't│ │13│billing │In short, to find a lover kind, │ │ │ │ │ I've us'd all honest ways, │ ♊ ☌ ⊕ ♓ │ │14│wooing │I've pinch'd my toes, and no one knows │ │ │ │ │ How tight I've lac'd my stays. │ why then │ │15│cooing │ │ │ │ │ │Three times to-day, across the way, │ you won't: │ │16│eyes │ The postman has been seen— │ │ │ │ │And this makes four—at Jones's door │ │ │17│sighs │ One! two! "For Betty Green." │ ☊ ♅ ♑ ♎ ⚹ │ │ │ │ │ │ │18│mate │Well! on my word, old Major Bird │ Perhaps │ │ │ │ Stands making signs, I think,— │ │ │19│fate │(If Betty dares to set her snares,—) │there won't │ │ │ │ I'm sure I saw him wink. │ │ │20│love │ │ be one │ │ │ │I vow I'll call, and tell it all; │ │ │21│cold │ They'll give her instant warning; │ │ │ │ │And, but the river makes one shiver, │ ♃ ☉ ♐ ♋ ♉ │ │22│scratch │ I'd drown to-morrow morning. │ │ │ │ │ │nor t'other:│ │23│scold │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ☍ ☿ │ │24│fight │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Why then │ │25│bite │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 'twill │ │ │ │ │ happen │ │26│spite │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ♊ ☿ ⚹ │ │27│mope │ │ │ │ │ │ │ in │ │28│rope │ │some other. │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

HUMBUGGUM ASTROLOGICUM, PRO ANNO 1835.

VOX MULTORUM, VOX STULTORUM: _The Voice of the Many is the Voice of
a Zany.—It brawleth at all Places and Seasons._

COURTEOUS READER,

STEPPING in the steps of my late worthy and much-lamented Prototype, FRANCIS MOORE, deceased, I herewith present you with my Hieroglyphic, "_adapted to the_ TIMES." "Its interpretation is in the womb of time," and those who do pry with curious eyes into the mysteries of the stars, will, in due season, divine the hidden meaning thereof. Yet may I observe, that by the rules of art, I have discovered, that a fiery planet, which has been for some time located in the upper house, and has been for a long while lord of the ascendant, has come in fiery opposition with _Scorpio_; while _Taurus_ hath flung a quartile ray at both of them.

MARCH.
]

┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │1835.] │ MARCH. │ ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │I fear I am a Sinner lost, │ │ │ For often do I pray,— │ │ │That I could read, in _Times_ or _Post_, │ │ │ The death of LADY DAY. │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│Shrove │ │ │ │ │ │ │ I suspend │ │ 2│tide │ MARCH WINDS. │ │ │ │ │ │ ☌ ☉ ♄ ♃ ♊ │ │ 3│fritter │Come, Bully MARCH! and show your │ │ │ │ │ blustering face; │ │ │ │fried │I'll give you blow for blow, to your │ my │ │ │ │ disgrace. │ │ │ │ │You take advantage of us Fleet Street │predictions │ │ │ │ sinners, │ │ │ 5│Nan │While the police are gone to get their │ │ │ │ │ dinners. │ │ │ │ │From Racket Court you rush, with such a │ ♅ ☊ ♌ ♑ │ │ │ │ rattle, │ │ │ 6│makes │As makes the Lumber troopers fear a │ │ │ │ │ battle. │ │ │ │ │ │ on the │ │ 7│pan- │ Oh! what fun, by the Bolt-in-tun, │ │ │ │ │ As your windy highness passes; │ weather │ │ 8│cakes │ D'ye hear a crash? There's a window-sash│ │ │ │ │ Made multiplying glasses. │ │ │ 9│batter │ │ ♓ ☊ │ │ │ │And now you come again from Chanc'ry Lane,│ │ │10│clatter │Where "Law" and "Assurance" guard Old │this month, │ │ │ │ Dunstan's fane. │ │ │ │ │(_Old_ Dunstan, did I say?—_young_ Dunstan│ │ │ │ │ now, │ │ │11│spatter │As many a heavy parish rate will show.) │ ♂ ☿ ☉ ☽ │ │ │ │See how you raise a riot and a rout, │ │ │12│sky │Tossing old women's petticoats about; │ because I │ │ │ │Hats, capes, and umbrellas round you │ │ │ │ │ scatter, │ │ │13│high │Till good Saint Bridget wonders what's the│ shall be │ │ │ │ matter. │ able │ │ │ │ │ │ │14│toss │ Ah, che _gust_-o! what a dusto! │ │ │ │ │ Blowing, growing, as it flies. │ ♂ ♌ ♑ ♓ ♄ │ │15│in the │ Lime and mortar show no quarter, │ │ │ │ │ Ramming, cramming, ears and eyes. │to tell more│ │16│pan │ │ │ │ │ │They say your dust is gold; so, little │ correctly │ │ │ │ fear │ │ │17│high │Of growing poor; we'll roll in riches │ │ │ │ │ here; │ │ │ │ │Then blow up, MARCH! our sapient parish │ ♎ ♐ ♏ ♀ │ │ │ │ powers │ │ │18│as │Ne'er think of water till the April │ │ │ │ │ showers. │ │ │ │ │ │ next year; │ │19│you │ │ │ │ │ │ │ and │ │20│can │ │ │ │ │ │ │ moreover, │ │21│toss │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │22│them │ │ ⊕ ♃ │ │ │ │ │ │ │23│higher │ │ my readers │ │ │ │ │ │ │24│fat │ │ can │ │ │ │ │ │ │25│in the │ │ ♌ ♂ ♓ ♄ ☊ │ │ │ │ │ │ │26│fire │ │ exercise │ │ │ │ │ │ │27│soot │ │ │ │ │ │ │ their own │ │28│must │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │29│splash │ │ judgments │ │ │ │ │ │ │30│crash │ │ ♂ ☽ ♊ ☿ │ │ │ │ │ │ │31│ash │ │ thereupon. │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

MY GRANDMOTHER'S LAMENT;
or,
THE SETTLING DAY.

It was a drear November morn; the rain was pouring fast; I underneath a gateway stood, in hopes it would not last; And forthwith I began to muse, and to myself did say: I hope the rain will soon give o'er, for this is "SETTLING DAY."

If I don't stand for shelter here, I shall be wetted thro'; I at the Stock Exchange shall be _black-boarded_ if I do: And while I thus was fidgetting, the sun shot forth a ray; And then I hoped to be in time all for the "SETTLING DAY."

The rain clear'd off, and gladsomely I did prepare to go, When up there came an Ancient Dame with visage full of woe: She laid on me her skinny hand, and mournfully did say: "To my lament you must give ear, altho' 'tis 'SETTLING DAY.'"

"Good lady," I began to say, "my time is very short,"— And fain I would have slipp'd away, but she my button caught. "Oh! listen to your Grandmother! for she has much to say,"— (She surely held me by some spell, although 'twas "SETTLING DAY.")

"From morn till eve I wander forth; I roam like one distraught; "Which ever way I turn my eyes, with ruin it is fraught. "The good old times are quite forgot; all things do fade away; "And when I mourn, the people laugh, and cry: ''tis SETTLING DAY.'

"'Twas in the Court of Chancery I oft did take my nap; "And many doubting Chancellors I've dandled in my lap; "But now the _Broom_, that sweeps the room, it brushes me away; "And says, for me, and all such crones, it is the 'SETTLING DAY.'

"'Twas in the Commons House I sat, when Billy Pitt was young; "I listen'd to his twelve-hour speech, and blest his fluent tongue. "They us'd to sit from night till morn; and how they talk'd away! "But now they sit from morn till night: oh! what a 'SETTLING DAY!'

"They've London pull'd about one's ears; 'tis London now no more; "They've swallow'd up poor Swallow Street; behind is now before; "They've metamorphos'd Charing Cross; the Mews has pass'd away, "And Lewkner's Lane I seek in vain: 't has had its 'SETTLING DAY.'

"St. Dunstan's Church they've built anew; oh! what a _Gothic_ feat! "The _Savages_, who beat the _Bells_, have beaten a retreat; "They've built another London Bridge; the old one's clear'd away; "For such destructive knaves I wish a speedy 'SETTLING DAY.'

"The Watchmen mustn't cry the hour, nor in their boxes snore; "Their occupation's gone, and time with them is now no more. "They tell me, too, the little Sweeps no more must 'Soot, ho!' say: "I hope for such black deeds there'll come a _sweeping_ 'SETTLING DAY.'

"Another thing doth sorrow bring, and maketh me to fret; "They talk about abolishing Imprisonment for Debt; "And next, alas! the time may come, there'll be no costs to pay, "For ev'ry man will get his own upon the 'SETTLING DAY.'

"I mind me, when a little girl, I travell'd once to York; "And slow and stately did we ride; it was a three days' work; "But now they do it all by steam, so very fast, they say, "To Brummagem you'll go, and back, in half a 'SETTLING DAY.'

"I heard them talk, awhile agone, about an air-balloon, "To come from France, and carry us a journey to the moon. "When folks become so impious, our duty 'tis to pray, "That such presumptuous doings soon may meet a 'SETTLING DAY.'

"That horrid March of Intellect has prov'd a perfect bore; "I fear it killed poor St. John Long: his rubbing days are o'er; "But 'twas a gracious sight to see his funeral array, "And lords and ladies join the train, upon his 'SETTLING DAY.'

"They've made the babes at infant schools so very wise indeed, "That they can read before they speak, and write before they read: "They're wiser than their grandmothers! you hear the people say, "I can't survive this awful shock;—this cruel 'SETTLING DAY.'"

While thus the crone did make her moan, I pitied her full sore, And much I strove to comfort her, when she had given o'er; I begg'd of her to list to me, and I'd be bound to say, Some snug abuses I would find, without a "SETTLING DAY."

For dirty courts and narrow lanes, I told her not to fret; To 'mind us of the good old times, there was a plenty yet: At East and West, 'mong gents and cits, there's many a crooked way, And holes and corners dark enough, without a "SETTLING DAY."

I bade her look at Temple Bar,—that venerable pile; Its mould'ring stones and rotten gates, and then she gave a smile She thought upon the bleeding heads, and plaintively did say: "I hope for that dear obstacle there'll be no 'SETTLING DAY.'"

Tho' St. John Long (I said) is gone,—that curer of all ills,— We still have modest Morison's fam'd Vegetable Pills; Then think upon the Pension List, where stand, in grand array, A splendid train, who take their cash on ev'ry "SETTLING DAY."

I own'd that, for the London Cries, we now must ring a knell: But if we've lost the 'Sweep soot-ho!' we've got the dustman's bell; Tho' in the street, it is not meet that folks should preach or pray; Yet Punch may bawl, and singers squall, without a "SETTLING DAY."

My Granny grinn'd a ghastly smile, and let my button go; "We'll meet again," she said, "and then I'll tell you all my woe: "You have not heard a twentieth part; but you'll no longer stay." She vanish'd straight; but all too late;—I lost _my_ "SETTLING DAY."

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

A GENTLEMAN, who is about to proceed to New South Wales, on the public account, for fourteen years, is desirous of providing a confidential situation for an active YOUTH, previously to his departure. He is exceedingly light-fingered, and very dexterous in the conveyance of property; and, among his other accomplishments, the advertiser can confidently recommend him for considerable skill in opening locks without the aid of a key. He has been brought up to the _bar_; and is _lineally_ descended from the renowned Jerry Abershaw. Most of his relations have been raised to exalted situations, far above the ordinary crowd; and, indeed, there is little doubt, that the force of his genius, if suffered to take its course, will, in time, procure for him the same degree of elevation. He can refer with confidence for a character to any of the gentlemen composing that respectable body, the Swell Mob Association; and the advertiser will be happy to reply to any inquiries, addressed—PETER PRIG, Esq., at the Stone Jug Hotel, Old Bailey.

APRIL.
]

┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │1835.] │ APRIL. │ ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ Opera open—Town fills— │ │ │ Old fools dance quadrilles— │ │ │Paganini's fiddle-de-D— │ │ │The D— once fiddled a guinea from me— │ │ │Crockford's splendid Saturday Dinners— │ │ │Sunday—"Miserable sinners!" │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│growing │ │ If it be │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 2│showers │ APRIL RHYMES. │ neither │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 3│springing │Rhymes for April—let me sing │ ♄ ♊ ♌ ☿ ⚹ │ │ │ │The pleasures of returning spring. │ │ │ 4│flowers │ │ warm │ │ │ │ I wish, in verse the lines ran single, │ │ │ 5│hot │'Tis tiresome, hunting words that jingle, │ nor cold, │ │ │ │ │ wet │ │ │ │And just as hard, in any season, │ │ │ 6│cross │To furnish either rhyme or reason: │ nor dry, │ │ │ │For showers, and bowers, and buds of │ │ │ │ │ roses, │ │ │ 7│bunn │Nights, and blights, and blue cold noses, │ ♂ ☉ ☌ ☍ │ │ │ │Beams and gleams, and flow'rets springing,│ │ │ 8│day │Feather'd warblers, winging, singing, │ calm │ │ │ │Hills and rills, and groves and loves, │ │ │ 9│Easter │Wooing, cooing, turtle-doves, │ nor storm; │ │ │ │Shades and glades, and larks and thrushes,│ │ │10│Monday │Chilly grass, and dripping bushes, │ and │ │ │ │Are soon a poor exhausted store;— │ │ │11│what a │I'll try a city theme for more. │ │ │ │ │ │ ⚹ ♊ ♄ ☉ │ │12│fun │ Judges, fudges, wigs, and prigs, │ │ │ │ │In coaches, busses, cabs, and gigs, │ there be │ │13│day! │Dripping, tripping, slipping, slopping, │ │ │ │ │Pink silk stockings go a-shopping; │ neither │ │14│prentice │Haggling, draggling, puddling, poking, │ │ │ │ │Drizzling, mizzling, muddling, soaking, │ │ │15│boys │Dirty crossings, dainty faces, │ ♃ ♄ ☉ ☿ ♂ │ │ │ │Pretty legs choose widest places; │ │ │16│full │And fools are made, by far the worst, │frost, snow,│ │ │ │On other days besides the First. │ │ │17│of │ │hail, rain, │ │ │ │ │ │ │18│joys │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │19│noise │ │ ♊ ☉ │ │ │ │ │ │ │20│toys │ │ ♄ ♊ ☿ ♂ ⚹ │ │ │ │ │ │ │21│Greenwich │ │ why then │ │ │ │ │ │ │22│hill │ │you may say,│ │ │ │ │ │ │23│Jack │ │ ♄ ♊ ☉ │ │ │ │ │ │ │24│and │ │ that │ │ │ │ │ │ │25│Jill │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ♃ ♄ ♊ ☉ ♂ │ │26│tumble │ │ │ │ │ │ │ I am │ │27│down │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ☌ ☉ ♌ ♈ ☿ │ │28│crack │ │ │ │ │ │ │ no │ │29│their │ │ │ │ │ │ │ conjurer. │ │30│crown │ │ │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

_ABSTRACT of an ACT, intituled an Act for the Amendment of an
Act for the Amendment of the Poor Laws._

[To be passed on the 1st of April next.]

_Preamble._—Abuses all former Acts, and repeals them accordingly.

_Clause 1._—Empowers paupers to act as Churchwardens and Overseers; to form their own vestries, and pass laws for their own relief.

_Clause 2._—Provides for weekly tavern dinners for the same; and stipulates for a bountiful supply of turtle-soup, venison, burgundy, champagne, hock, claret, and rose-water.

_Clause 3._—Enacts that pensions, of not less than £1000 per annum, shall be granted to all former Churchwardens and Overseers, as a compensation for their loss of office; and that they shall each be raised to the rank of baronet, as a compensation for their loss of dignity.

_Clause 4._—Enacts that every able-bodied pauper, who can work, shall be allowed five guineas per week each, and two guineas for each of their children, illegitimate or otherwise; and should any refractory pauper refuse this allowance, and prefer breaking stones at a penny per bushel, he shall be forthwith committed to the custody of the keeper of the London Tavern, if in the City of London, or of some inn or hotel, if any other part of the kingdom, and be compelled to feast like an alderman, till he show symptoms of contrition.

_Clause 5._—That as many paupers may prefer being boarded and lodged, suitable mansions shall be erected for the purpose, in cheerful and airy situations; to which governors shall be appointed, to be elected by the paupers, for the due regulation thereof. And if, on complaint of one or more of the said paupers, it shall appear, that the said governor hath, on any occasion, omitted to provide them with all due necessaries, such as silver forks, doileys, finger-glasses, napkins, or other indispensable matters; or hath omitted to serve their tea, coffee, or chocolate, in silver pots, and china cups and saucers; or substituted plain lump for double-refined lump sugar, or milk for cream, or tallow for wax candles, or a feather-bed for a down-bed: or neglected to keep the harp or piano in proper tune, or to furnish clean linen once a day, (if they desire it, but not otherwise); or presumed to call them out of bed before twelve at noon, unless specially directed so to do; or behaved disrespectfully, or omitted to stand uncovered in their presence, &c. &c. &c. for each and every such offence, the said governor shall be committed to the tread-mill for not less than six calendar months.

_Clause 6._—Each pauper, who is a boarder as aforesaid, shall be at liberty to invite as many friends as he pleases, to a grand dinner party, to be holden once a week; a concert and ball to be holden twice a week; and a grand concert and ball to take place four times in the year; on which occasion, the said paupers, or a committee thereof, shall be at liberty to engage any of the Italian singers, provided their terms do not exceed 100 guineas each per night.

_Clause 7._—Allows a premium of 50 guineas to the mother of every illegitimate child born in the said mansion.

_Clause 8._—Enacts that the halt, the maimed, and the blind, together with all aged, infirm, diseased, idiotic, and insane persons, and all who are unable, through mental or bodily incapacity, to maintain themselves, shall be allowed the liberty of begging their bread on the king's highway; by which, public sympathy will be powerfully awakened, and pauperism effectually discouraged.

_Clause 9._—Enacts that all the moneys, necessary for carrying the foregoing provisions into effect, shall be disbursed from the pockets of the honest and industrious.

_Clause 10._—Enacts that this Act shall neither be altered, amended, nor repealed.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

FOUND on a suspicious person, stopped by the Police, the following articles, _viz._:—

1. The clock of old St. Dunstan's Church, with the Cross of St. Paul's and the steeple of the church in Langham Place, which he had converted into a seal and key, and appended thereto by a chain cable.

2. The images of Gog and Magog from Guildhall. N. B. He begged hard to have these restored to him, alleging that he had bought them as playthings for his children.

3. The "collective wisdom" of St. Stephen's Chapel, which he had purloined from the Members' skulls, before the late fire, and had artfully concealed in a nut-shell.

4. The conscience of the legal profession, which, at first, was scarcely perceptible, but on its being accidentally placed in a bag of sovereigns, became extremely vociferous.

5. A cart-load of Billingsgate abuse, and a bag of moonshine. Should these articles not be claimed, they will be sold to the best bidder. N.B. They would admirably answer the purpose of some of our "best public Instructors."

There were several other articles of less value, all of which will be restored, to the right owners, on application to the Mansion House.

┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ │ MAY. │ [1835.│ ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ │ │Madame de Staël declared, one day, │ │ │She was always afraid of the month of MAY; │ │ │So bless Lord Brougham's legislation,— │ │ │His "boon to the female population,"— │ │ │Which keeps them, 'gainst their kind intent, │ │ │Discreet by act of parliament. │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│First of │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Touching │ │ 2│May │ THE CHIMNEY SWEEP'S LAMENT. │ │ │ │ │ │ ♈ ♀ ⚹ ♏ ☽ │ │ 3│Day │ │ │ │ │ │"Ah, Sal! vot lots of First of Mays │the weather │ │ 4│once │Is gone, since them 'ere jolly days, │ │ │ │ │ Ven times vos times to brag on; │ ♃ ⊕ ♒ ☉ │ │ 5│a gay │I can't make out vot hails the nation, │ │ │ │ │For now there's sich a halteration, │ I do │ │ 6│day │ Ve've much ado to vag on. │ │ │ │ │ │ somewhat, │ │ 7│Jack │"Vy, ven the big reform bill pass'd, │ │ │ │ │Ve holp John Russell to the last, │ │ │ 8│in the │ Like birdies of a feather; │ ☿ ♊ ☽ │ │ │ │And, sure, their Vorships von't deny │ │ │ 9│green │Ve daily join'd in common cry, │as it were, │ │ │ │ And sung out 'Sveep' together. │ │ │10│ravish- │ │ dubitate; │ │ │ │"But now, unmindful vot they owes, │ │ │11│ing │They makes no odds 'twixt friends and │ │ │ │ │ foes, │ │ │ │ │ And gags us with their laws; │ ☌ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♎ │ │12│scene │For since the nobs has got their ends, │ │ │ │ │They grows asham'd of chummy friends, │ tho' most │ │13│chimney │ And makes us hold our jaws. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │14│sweepers │"There's Bob the dustman rings his bell, │ ☌ ♓ ♑ ♌ │ │ │ │And Flounder Bet cries mack-er-el, │ │ │15│no │ And no one hinders she;— │probably, it│ │ │ │If singing 'Sveep' vakes Bobby's pal, │ │ │16│longer │Vy Bob and Bet disturbs my Sal, │ ☽ ♂ ♀ │ │ │ │ Vot's all as dear to me. │ │ │17│creepers │ │ will be │ │ │ │"Vy, bless your eyes, the first May-day │ │ │18│holiday │I ever seed you prance away, │ ♎ ♐ ☍ ♋ ♉ │ │ │ │ So fine that queens might follor, │ │ │19│jolly │All deck'd in roses, silks and lace, │in some sort│ │ │ │I thought it was fair Dafney's face, │ │ │20│day │ And I vos your Apollor. │ │ │ │ │ │ ♂ ☽ ☌ ♄ │ │21│off │"And tho' the temperation folks │ │ │ │ │Would throw cold water on our jokes, │seasonable, │ │22│they │ And damp our fun and glee; │ │ │ │ │On this, our yearly Annival, │ ♓ ♑ │ │23│go │I'll be a king, and you, my Sal, │ │ │ │ │Shall be a queen to me." │ or perhaps │ │24│dancing │ │ │ │ │ │ │ otherwise, │ │25│prancing │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │26│whirling │ │ ♂ ♅ ♂ ♌ ☿ │ │ │ │ │ │ │27│twirling │ │ just │ │ │ │ │ │ │28│on the │ │as the case │ │ │ │ │ │ │29│light │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ♍ ☍ ♈ ♀ │ │30│fantastic │ │ │ │ │ │ │may happen. │ │31│toe │ │ │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

MAY.
]

PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES.

_At the Philosophical Institution_, held at the Pig and Tinder Box, in Liquorpond Street, a letter was read by Sawney Suck-Egg, Esq., on the possibility of extending the realms of space, and adding to the duration of eternity. In the same essay, he also satisfactorily proved, that two and _too_ do _not_ make four; that BLACK is very often white; and that a Chancery suit has shewn to many a man, that what has a beginning does not necessarily always have an end.

A new mode of raising the wind was also communicated to this society by Jeremy Diddler, Esq.; a very useful invention for broken-down gamblers, ruined spendthrifts, insolvent tradesmen, and 'Change Alley waddlers.

_Geological Society of Hog's Norton._—The fossil remains of an antediluvian pawnbroker have been dug up, within a mile of this place. This is not regarded as a very remarkable circumstance, as many recent instances have been known of the hearts of several persons of this class being in a petrified state while alive.

A successful method of converting stones into bread has been transmitted to the New Poor Law Commissioners, and a three-and-sixpenny medal presented to the ingenious discoverer thereof.

_Zoological Society at Hookem Snivey._—A new animal has been transmitted from No-Man's Land, which has been named the Flat-Catcher. It bears some resemblance to the human species, as it walks on two legs, and has the gift of speech. It seems quite in its element when among _pigeons_, and preys ravenously on the _gulls_ that hover about watering-places, getting hold of them by a kind of fascination, which throws its unconscious victims entirely off their guard, when it never fails to make them bleed profusely; after which, it suffers them to depart.

A laborious investigator has discovered that there are exactly nine millions, one hundred and sixty-four thousand, five hundred and thirty-three hairs on a tom-cat's tail, which he defies all the zoologists in Europe to disprove. He also maintains that a bull sees with its horns, and a rat with its tail, although he admits the possibility of their doing so without them.

It was stated at the last meeting of this institution, that one of its members had observed a tremendous water-spout from one of the plugs in Thames Street; and sensible shocks of an earthquake had been felt at Puddle-dock.

_Society of Antiquaries._—Among the antiquities presented at the last meeting, was one of Cleopatra's corns, and the celebrated Needle with which she darned her hose; also, a gas-pipe, found at Herculaneum, and the fragment of a steam-carriage, dug out of the ruins of Palmyra.

_Entomological Society in GRUB Street._—A very animated conversation took place on the natural history of the flea, involving many curious conjectures, such as, whether it had ever been known to have attained the size of the elephant; whether it was of the same species with the hog-in-armour and the rhinoceros, or was to be classed among the _Jumpers_; how high and how often it leaped; whether it always looked before it leaped; and whether it leaped highest in Leap Year; the farther discussion of all which queries was deferred till the said Leap Year.

_The Horticultural Society of Seven Dials_ has been presented, by the Society of Antiquaries, with the identical pumpkin converted by the fairy into Cinderella's chariot.

_Premiums have been awarded by various learned bodies to the following_:—

To Henry Broom, for the application of the crab motion, and the "do-as-little-as-possible" principle, to the state engine.—To Lord Durham, in conjunction with the above, for an improved mode of progression for the said engine, namely, by each pulling the opposite way.—To Signor Paganini, for an improved mode of extracting gold from catgut scrapings, and of skinning flints.—To Miss Harriet Martineau, for a new preventive check-string for the regulation of the fare (_fair_).— To the proprietor of Morison's Pills for the discovery of the _perpetual motion_.—To the Society for the Confusion of Useful Knowledge, for their successful endeavours in be-_Knight_-ing the public intellect.

JUNE.
]

┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │1835.] │ JUNE. │ ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │Of all the folks, this month you'll see, │ │ │The DAYS are the _longest_ family; │ │ │But the gallant Ross, in polar weather, │ │ │Met one as long as six Months together. │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│Quarter │ │ Look for │ │ │ │RIGDUM FUNNIDOS transcribeth │ │ │ 2│day │the following seasonable story from │ ♈ ☿ ♍ ♀ ♑ │ │ │ │the lucubrations of his defunct friend, │ │ │ 3│rent │_Poor Humphrey_. │ summer │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 4│to │ │ weather │ │ │ │ HOW TO KILL FLEAS. │ │ │ 5│pay │ │ ♅ ☊ ♌ │ │ │ │A notable Projector became notable by │ │ │ 6│afraid │one project only, which was a certain │ about │ │ │ │specific for the killing of Fleas; │ │ │ 7│to stay │and it was in form of a powder, and │ ♄ ☌ ☽ ♏ │ │ │ │sold in papers, with │ │ │ 8│bolt │plain directions for use, as │ this time; │ │ │ │followeth: The flea was to be held, │ │ │ 9│away │conveniently, between the │ ⚹ ♀ ♈ ♐ ♎ │ │ │ │fore-finger and thumb of the left │ │ │10│come │hand; and to the end of the trunk or │ that is │ │ │ │proboscis, which protrudeth in the │ │ │11│too │flea, somewhat as the elephant's │ to say, │ │ │ │doth, a very small quantity of the │ │ │12│soon │powder was to be put from between │ ♌ ♑ │ │ │ │the thumb and finger of the right │ │ │13│cash │hand. And the inventor undertook, │ somewhat │ │ │ │that if any flea to whom his powder │ │ │14│affairs │was so administered should prove to │ │ │ │ │have afterwards bitten a purchaser │ ♉ ♋ ☋ ♅ │ │15│are │who used it, then that such │ │ │ │ │purchaser should have another paper │ warm, │ │16│out of │of the said powder, _gratis_. And it │ │ │ │ │chanced that the first paper thereof │ ♃ ♂ ⊕ │ │17│tune │was bought, idly as it were, by an │ │ │ │ │old woman; and she, without meaning │ perhaps │ │18│shoot │to injure the inventor or his │ │ │ │ │remedy, but of her mere │ hot, │ │19│the │harmlessness, did, innocently as it │ │ │ │ │were, ask him whether, when she had │ │ │20│moon │caught the flea, and after she had │ ☍ ♈ ♀ ⚹ ♊ │ │ │ │got it as before described, if she │ │ │21│we │should crack it upon her nail, it │ or │ │ │ │would not be as well. Whereupon the │ │ │22│fly │ingenious projector was so │ perchance │ │ │ │dumbfounded by the question, that, │ │ │23│by │not knowing what to answer on the │ it may be │ │ │ │sudden, he said, with truth, to this │ │ │24│night │effect, that, without doubt, her way │ coolish; │ │ │ │would do, too. │ ♊ ♀ │ │25│rapid │ │ │ │ │ │ │ and if │ │26│flight │ │ │ │ │ │ │ it raineth │ │27│very │ │ │ │ │ │ │ not, │ │28│quickly │ │ │ │ │ │ │ it will │ │29│out of │ │ │ │ │ │ │ be dry. │ │30│sight │ │ │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

THE "WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS."

RIGDUM FUNNIDOS lamenteth, that there are, in this our day, among those who do seek to subvert the venerable usages of our ancestors, divers vauntings and boastings as to what they do most affectedly and erroneously term "the growing intelligence of the age,"—"the march of intellect," and such-like absurd phraseologies. This irreverent spirit doth manifest itself in unseemly comparisons, between the times which are past, and those which are present, which do end in a preferring, to the wisdom of the olden time, their own newfangled and presumptuous theories. Nay, there be even those who do maintain, that what the lamented FRANCIS MOORE did, and other equally wise admirers of the by-gone past do, venerate as the _olden_ time, is, in very sooth, the _juvenile_ time; inasmuch as time groweth older every day, and, as a necessary consequence thereof, every succeeding generation groweth wiser. It profiteth not to waste words on such manifest absurdity; suffice it therefore to say, that RIGDUM FUNNIDOS hath, with much cost and travail, assemblaged what may be most worthily intituled, a fair sample of '_collective wisdom_' wherein will be found, most conspicuously shown forth, the worthiness of our ancestors to the designation of _Wise_.