Chapter IX (2)

MAY 5th.—The attention of the passengers in Salisbury Square was excited by observing an inhabitant come out at the attic window of a house (No. 66), and pass along the parapet. His next neighbour, with whom he was known to be on bad terms, soon after appeared on the adjacent roof. They approached each other with signs of anger, and grappling, engaged in a furious struggle;—both fell from the parapet;—fortunately escaping the iron spikes below, and alighting on their feet, each spit at the other, cried "moll-row," and rushed down his own area.

15th.—As Doctor Fillpot was walking in the Zoological Gardens, his Christian charity was blown into the cage of the Humming birds, and instantly pecked up by the voracious little animals, who, strange to say, did not seem at all inconvenienced by the extraordinary meal.

JUNE 3rd.—A nursemaid and three fine children were lost in some cart ruts, called "The New Promenade," in Regent's Park, and have never been heard of since.

9th.—At the Annual Meeting of the Proprietors of the Thames Tunnel, the secretary reported that though the _Leeks_ had all ceased, he was happy to say there was no diminution of _Salaries_; that they had got _over_ all the soft _mud_, which was hard; but they had now to get _under_ a hard _rock_, which was harder; that their money in the _stocks_ was expended in digging _stones_; and that they had not reached the opposite _Bank_, though they had exhausted their _Banker_; and that, in all probability, though they might labour to the end, they would never see the end of their labour; for however _light_ they might make of it, they were more in the _dark_ than ever. The meeting, in great discontent, divided without a dividend; and, grunting like _hogs_, pronounced the w_hole_ a great _bore_.

JULY 5th.—The old and young elephants, from the Zoological Gardens, were brought up at Marylebone office. It appears that during the night they had made their way to the Paddington Canal _Bank_, had broken open the _Locks_, and abstracted all the water, with which they got beastly "drunk on the premises." Their return home in that state caused suspicion to fall on them, and their apartments being searched, the stolen property was found concealed in their _trunks_, together with pawnbrokers' duplicates for the contents of the Grand Junction reservoir, and the City basin, both of which had suddenly disappeared in a very mysterious manner, and having been at low water of late, and much run upon, owing to the dry weather, were supposed to have run away. The culprits showed their teeth at the charge, as hard as ivory, and speechified at length, but a clear case being established, they offered their _pledges_ for better behaviour; however, the worthy magistrate stopped their _spouting_, and sent them to the treadmill. The office was crowded by members of the Temperance Society, several of whom offered to become bail for them.

21st.—At the last Drawing Room, Captain Bodkin had the honour of presenting Cleopatra's needle to the Queen. Her Majesty was pleased to send to _Cable Street_ for a hundred yards of _Wopping_ Thread, and in the evening one of the maids of honour used it, by Her Majesty's desire, to work a button-hole of a new shirt for Mister O'Killus in the park.

AUGUST 4th.—On Sunday, the 2nd, Lord H. visited the Bear-pit in the Zoological Gardens, and leaning too far over the wall, fell among the interesting animals, who were so alarmed at the sight that they were seized with convulsions, and have been in a nervous state ever since.

17th.—An old woman was charged with selling apples on a Sunday morning. She was too poor to keep a _shop_, so was committed to the _Counter_. It appeared that her basket obstructed the people in their way to the Gravesend Sunday boats.

26th.—A steam-boat party going down the river for a Marine _Gala_, were caught in a _gale_. The Catastrophe happened off the Isle of _Dogs_, and the hurricane _setting_ in during a Quadrille, they tried in vain to stand _firm_, for _partners_ were driven "right and left;" the "Ladies' chain" was broken off in the middle, and "The Lancers" totally put to the rout. The chimney _fell_ in the midst of a _cadence_, and the mast was _shivered_ during a _shake_, but the musicians were all ruined, for their instruments were blown _beyond Fidlers' reach_.

SEPT. 1st.—The Duke of Nemours, with his suite, rode through Coventry Street, when the figure of Fieschi became visibly agitated, and attempted to discharge the Infernal Machine at him. Nothing but its being a sham, and not loaded, saved the Duke from the fate intended for his father.

5th.—The Ladies' Brazen Monument to the Duke of Wellington, having been _smoked_ a good deal of late, its noble proprietresses determined on giving it an autumnal washing before the fall of the leaf. For this purpose, the (Holy) Alliance Company lent their engine, a fiery Marquess played the pipe, and a committee of Countesses worked the pumps. The figure was then invested in a new shirt, presented by Her Majesty, against the cold weather.

20th.—A sailing party from Margate, finding themselves near _Urn_ bay, resolved to drink _tea_. Mrs. Bullion, of Cheapside, one of the company, proposed music in the air, and, being inspired by the water, volunteered "The Land;" but, in getting up to C above, she overreached herself, and fell into the sea below. At first, Mr. Bullion feared she would prove _dead stock_ on his hands, but he soon saw she was _floating, capital_; so he bargained with some _dredgers_ to give her an _hoister_ on board again. The _natives_ were greatly alarmed at the occurrence.

OCT. 3rd.—Mrs. Belasco delivered her concluding Lecture on morality, with illustrations, in the Saloon of the Haymarket Theatre.

7th.—The Penitentiary at Millbank was partly destroyed by fire; luckily the flames were extinguished, without making an auto-da-fé of the fair penitents, many of whom were insured by destiny from that sort of untimely end. The treadmill was unfortunately burnt, to the great inconvenience of several industrious persons who were practising on it, to qualify themselves for places of service where there was a good deal of running upstairs.

12th.—The paupers of Gripeham workhouse having been, under the new law, deprived of their tobacco, deputed one old woman, as the _organ_ of the rest, to demand a restoration of their _pipes_. The overseers withstood her _fire_, and refused her _smoke_; however, at the suggestion of one of their body who had learned Latin, they consented to allow her a "_Quid_ pro quo."

NOV. 15th.—The Society for the Protection of Animals held its yearly meeting. The report stated, that in Billingsgate their efforts had met with great success. In the following meritorious cases the large silver medal was awarded:—To Diana Finn, for cracking the necks of a pound of eels before she skinned them; to Simon Soft, for boiling his lobsters in cold water; to Ephraim Hacket, for crimping cod with a blunted knife; and to Felix Flat, for refusing to open live oysters. In other quarters humanity was also progressing, and prizes were given to Hans Lever, for drubbing a donkey with the _thin_ end of his cudgel, at the request of an officer of this Society; and to Nicodemus Nacks, for consenting to keep a plaster on his pony's _raw_, except on pleasure parties, and other occasions requiring extra persuasion. The thanks of the Society were voted to Daniel Dozer, Esq., of New River Head, for using dead worms as a bait: and the gold medal to the same gentleman, for his practice of angling without hooking the fish. A premium was also offered by the Society for some preparation of ox(h)ide of iron, which shall enable a bullock's back to resist a whacking.

DEC. 7th.—Sir Harcourt Lees was frightened into fits by O'Connell's ghost, which appeared in the shape of a moving _Mass_, with cloven feet, a long _tail_, and the _Pope's eye_ in the middle of his forehead.

18th.—During the exhibition of the gas microscope, the water tigers, irritated by the intense blaze of light to which they were exposed, after several tremendous efforts to escape, broke from their confinement, and sprang among the spectators. Three young ladies from a boarding school were instantly devoured. The ferocious animals next turned their attention to the governess and an old teacher, who, proving rather tough, afforded time for their keeper to secure them, which he did by re-absorbing them in a drop of water on the point of a needle.

NOVEMBER.—'Lord Mayor's Day'
]

┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │1836.] │ NOVEMBER. │ ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │When good Sir John has carried his bill, │ │ │No dread of Term shall the poet fill, │ │ │The Scholar shall _write_, and fear no _writ_, │ │ │No _White Cross bars_ shall _bar_ his wit, │ │ │The _Fleet, unmann'd_, no more alarm, │ │ │The _King's Bench_ be but _an empty Form_. │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│Murky │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 2│burky │ LORD MAYOR'S SHOW. │stage-coach │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 3│damp │ I SING of a jolly day, │ traveller │ │ │ │ A civical holiday; │ │ │ 4│and │ Some call a folly day: │ ♃ △ ☍ □ ♂ │ │ │ │ Weather is foggified; │ │ │ 5│drear │ Mechanics get groggified, │ │ │ │ │ Citizens hoggified: │ journeyeth │ │ 6│see │ The rain it is drizzling, │ │ │ │ │ Mizzling, frizzling; │ │ │ 7│this │ Streets are all slippery; │ ♈ ☊ ♍ │ │ │ │ Girls sport their frippery: │ │ │ 8│gloomy │ Sweethearts are squeezing 'em, │ │ │ │ │ Pleasing 'em,—teazing 'em. │ outside │ │ 9│month │ Rabble are bawling, O! │ │ │ │ │ Women are squalling, O! │ │ │10│appear │ Banners are waving, │the vehicle;│ │ │ │ Policemen are staving │ │ │11│London │ On heads misbehaving: │ │ │ │ │ Ward beadles bustling, │ │ │12│fill'd │ Pickpockets hustling; │ □ ♃ △ ♂ │ │ │ │ People tip-toeing it: │ │ │13│with │ Swell mob are going it, │ │ │ │ │ Making sly snatches │ when │ │14│slush │ At brooches and watches. │ │ │ │ │ Horses are neighing, │ he should │ │15│and fog │ Urchins huzzaing; │ │ │ │ │ Trumpets are braying; │ snugly │ │16│looks │ Trombones are grumbling, │ │ │ │ │ Bassoons are rumbling, │ ensconce │ │17│just │ Clarinets speaking, │ │ │ │ │ Piccoloes squeaking. │ himself │ │18│like an │See, there goes the armour man; │ │ │ │ │Ne'er was a calmer man; │ within; │ │19│Irish │Sitting inside the _mail_, he │ │ │ │ │Looks a little bit paly. │ │ │20│bog │And hark! what a drumming! │ ♈ ☍ ♉ ♋ ♎ │ │ │ │The Lord Mayor is coming; │ │ │21│every │And here are the Aldermen, │with divers │ │ │ │There's very few balder men; │ │ │22│trouble │And there march the Livery, │ │ │ │ │Looking quite shivery; │ and sundry │ │23│now │In and out straggling, │ │ │ │ │Thro' the mud draggling. │ │ │24│seems │I'm sure the poor sinners │ ♊ ♒ ☿ ♍ │ │ │ │Must long for their dinners. │ │ │25│double │Well, now the fun's over │ │ │ │ │They'll fatten in clover; │ │ │26│and the │And afterwards drink on it. │ such-like │ │ │ │So, what do you think on it? │ │ │27│worst │Don't it shew quite effectual │ │ │ │ │The March Intellectual? │ │ │28│in all │ │ ♀ ♈ ☍ │ │ │ │ │ │ │29│the │ │ sad │ │ │ │ │ │ │30│year. │ │ mischances │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

_Extracts from the Proceedings of the Association of British
Illuminati, at their Annual Meeting, held in Dublin,
August, 1835._

DR. HOAXUM read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams into substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which he had recently exemplified in the establishment of some public companies, whose prospectuses he laid upon the table.

Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful powers were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to Captain Sir John North an accurate computation of the distance between a quarto volume and a cheesemonger's shop; and solved a curious question as to the decimal proportions of cunning and credulity, which, worked by the rule of allegation, would produce a product of 10,000_l._

Professor Von Hammer described his newly-discovered process for breaking stones by an algebraic fraction.

Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Rook. He defended their _caws_ with great _effect_, and proved that there is not a _grain_ of truth in the charges against them, which only arise from _Grub_ Street malice.

The Rev. Mr. Groper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he discovered alive in a mass of sandstone. The animal was found engaged on its auto-biography, and died of fright on having its house so suddenly broken into, being probably of a nervous habit from passing so much time alone. Some extracts from its memoir were read, and found exceedingly interesting. Its thoughts on the "silent system" of prison discipline, though written _in the dark_, strictly agreed with those of our most _enlightened_ political economists.

Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of Hydro-_gin_, which greatly interested those of the association who were members of Temperance Societies.

Mr. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers' Society, on the construction of _frog-stools_.

Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly articulated the words "_Repale! Repale!_" to the great delight of many of the audience. The learned Professor stated that he was engaged on another, for the use of his Majesty's Ministers, which would already say, "My Lords and Gentlemen;" and he doubted not, by the next meeting of Parliament, would be able to pronounce the whole of the opening speech.

Mr. Multiply produced, and explained the principle of, his exaggerating machine. He displayed its amazing powers on the mathematical point, which, with little trouble, was made to appear as large as a coach-wheel. He demonstrated its utility in all the relations of society, as applied to the failings of the absent—the growth of a tale of scandal—the exploits of travellers, &c. &c.

The Author of the "Pleasures of Hope" presented, through a member, a very amusing Essay on the gratification arising from the throttling of crying children; but as the ladies would not leave the room, it could not be read.

Captain North exhibited some shavings of the real Pole, and a small bottle which, he asserted, contained scintillations of the Aurora Borealis, from which, he stated, he had succeeded in extracting pure gold. He announced that his nephew was preparing for a course of similar experiments, of which he expected to know the result in October. The gallant Captain then favoured the company with a dissertation on phrenology, of which, he said, he had been a believer for thirty years. He stated that he had made many valuable verifications of that science on the skulls of the Esquimaux; and that, in his recent tour in quest of subscribers to his book, his great success had been mainly attributable to his phrenological skill; for that, whenever he had an opportunity of feeling for soft places in the heads of the public, he knew in a moment whether he should get a customer or not. He said that whether in the examination of ships' heads or sheep's heads—in the choice of horses or housemaids, he had found the science of pre-eminent utility. He related the following remarkable phrenological cases:—A man and woman were executed in Scotland for murder on presumptive evidence; but another criminal confessed to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day after the execution. The whole country was horrified; but Captain North having examined their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of their destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for they must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then. Their infant child, of six months old, was brought to him, and perceiving on its head the same fatal tendencies, he determined to avert the evil; for which purpose, by means of a pair of moulds, he so compressed the skull in its vicious propensities, and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that the child grew up a model of perfection. The second instance was of a married couple, whose lives were a continued scene of discord till they parted. On examining their heads scientifically, he discovered the elementary causes of their unhappiness. Their skulls were unfortunately too thick to be treated as in the foregoing case; but, causing both their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing down in some places, and laying on padding in others, contrived to produce all the requisite phrenological developments, and they were then living a perfect pattern of conjugal felicity, "a thing which could not have happened without phrenology." (This dissertation was received with loud applauses from the entire assembly, whose phrenological organs becoming greatly excited, and developed in an amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the subject, they all fell to examining each others' bumps with such eagerness that the meeting dissolved in confusion.)

THE NOTORIOUS UNKNOWN.

"Oh, no! we never mention HER, HER name is never heard;" And how the deuce to find it out, I knew not, on my word. But tho' I could not tell HER name, HER face I'd often seen, "She stood among the glitt'ring throng," with Jacky in the green.

A ladle in one hand she bore, a salt-box in the other; And of the Sooty Cupids near, she seemed the teeming mother. "I met HER at the Fancy Fair," with Fancy lads around her, And with a blow she laid one low, as flat as any flounder.

"I saw HER at the Beulah Spa," along with Gipsey Joe, A-riding on a donkey rough, vitch, somehow, vouldn't go. I saw HER ply her sybil art, and pick up cash like fun, For heads and tails she gave them hearts, and pleasur'd every one.

"I saw HER at the Masquerade," along with Nimming Ned, Achieve those feats, where fingers light work nimbler than the head. I saw HER too at All-Max once (not Almack's in the west), "'Twas in a crowd,"—her voice was loud: I mustn't tell the rest.

I saw HER at the "Central Court," (it gave me quite a shock,) Surrounded by her body guard, she stood within the dock. And then I heard a little man with solemn voice proclaim, ('Twas rue to me, and wormwood too), that ALIAS was her name!

THE FIVE BELLES.

"My own blue belle, my pretty blue belle,"
How deeply in love with thee I fell!
And graciously you receiv'd my suit,
While digging away at a Hebrew root:
But ah! you us'd me wondrous shabby,
To turn me off for a Jewish Rabbi.

My next fair belle was a lively dame;
But I found if I dar'd to advance my claim,
And ventur'd to marry the lovely _Bel_,
I should take to my arms the _Dragon_ as well.
For such an event I was too old a stager,
So I yielded her up to a triple Bob Major.

Now belle the third was a charming belle,
Who many a tale of love could tell;
But just as I thought that "constancy
Was only another name for she,"
Away she ran with an Irish fellow,
And basely proved a _horrida Bella_.

The belle my fancy next did choose
Stood six feet high in her low-heel'd shoes;
But when I took courage my tale to tell,
My _Belle Sauvage_ prov'd a _savage belle_.
I didn't much mind her being a strapper,
But I couldn't endure her terrible clapper.

But belle the fifth was the belle for me;
I was charm'd by her sweet taciturnity.
To ring this belle I a wish possess'd,
But _dumb bells_ always open the _chest_,
Which made me fear she'd get to the _till_,
And so, alas! I'm a bachelor still.

Advertisements Extraordinary.

THE INDUSTRIOUS FLEAS will continue to perform their operations in every part of the British dominions, most especially during the Summer months, to the infinite delight and satisfaction of millions of his Majesty's subjects, many thousands of whom have expressed themselves quite tickled with their ingenuity.

* * * * *

MR. PUFF respectfully announces that he is authorized to state, that he has received instructions to declare, that he will submit to public competition the whole of the superb and genuine HOUSEHOLD FURNITURE and EFFECTS of the late SIMON SQUANDER, Esq., deceased: comprising, among other valuables, a capital cast-iron library, containing upwards of 5000 wooden volumes, bound in calf, and 500 illegible manuscripts beautifully printed; an excellent self-willed never acting pianoforte; a superb suite of wrought iron window curtains; four splendid cobweb carpets; an invisible sofa; two capital India-rubber mirrors; a large stock of flint table and bed-linen; straw fenders and fire irons; leather looking-glasses; a set of calico dining tables, with chairs _en suite_; about 10,000 ounces of pewter plate; and an excellent paper clock, warranted not to go. The whole will be sold by auction, without reserve, on the First of April next. Catalogues to be had of the Auctioneer.

* * * * *

MOST REMARKABLE FACT!—There are now living at Manchester, six persons, whose united ages reach the enormous amount of one hundred and twenty years! And, strange to say, they are all in full possession of their ordinary faculties!

DECEMBER—'Boxing Day'
]

┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │1836.] │ DECEMBER. │ ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │Holiday joys have some alloys,— │ │ │ For many they're bitter pills, │ │ │When all the dearest _ducks_ come home │ │ │ From school, with their long _bills_, │ │ │And the noisy waits at midnight chime, │ │ │Convince you it is _Wakation_ time. │ ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ │ │ │ │ │ 1│The │ │ │ │ │ │ "BOXIANA." │ │ │ 2│season's │ │ Now │ │ │ │I HATE the very name of _box_; │ │ │ 3│signs │ It fills me full of fears: │would it not│ │ │ │It 'minds me of the woes I've felt │ │ │ 4│this │ Since I was young in years. │ be better │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 5│month │They sent me to a Yorkshire school, │ ⚹ ♄ ♓ ☉ ♄ │ │ │ │ Where I had many knocks; │ │ │ 6│do │For there my schoolmates _box'd_ my ears, │ │ │ │ │ Because I couldn't _box_. │ │ │ 7│greatly │ │ than such │ │ │ │I pack'd my _box_; I pick'd the locks; │ │ │ 8│vary │ And ran away to sea; │ │ │ │ │And very soon I learnt to _box_ │ │ │ 9│in │ The compass merrily. │ ☌ ♄ ♂ │ │ │ │ │ │ │10│manner │I came ashore—I call'd a coach, │ │ │ │ │ And mounted on the _box_; │ weather │ │11│too │The coach upset against a post, │ │ │ │ │ And gave me dreadful knocks. │ wisdom │ │12│that's │ │ │ │ │ │I soon got well; in love I fell, │ as this, │ │13│most │ And married Martha Cox; │ │ │ │ │To please her will, at fam'd _Box_ Hill, │ │ │14│extr'or- │ I took a country _box_. │ ☽ ☿ ♍ ♊ ♉ │ │ │ │ │ │ │15│dinary: │I had a pretty garden there, │ │ │ │ │ All border'd round with _box_; │ that I │ │ │ │ │ should │ │16│if you │But ah, alas! there liv'd, next door, │ │ │ │ │ A certain Captain Knox. │ arrive │ │17│are │ │ │ │ │ │He took my wife to see the play;— │ at the end │ │18│rich │ They had a private _box_; │ │ │ │ │I jealous grew, and from that day │of my tether│ │19│why │I hated Captain Knox. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │20│then │I sold my house—I left my wife;— │ ♃ ♄ ♍ │ │ │ │ And went to Lawyer Fox, │ │ │21│you're │Who tempted me to seek redress │ │ │ │ │ All from a jury _box_. │ without │ │22│warm │ │ │ │ │ │I went to law, whose greedy maw │ │ │23│and │ Soon emptied my strong _box_; │ having │ │ │ │I lost my suit, and cash to boot, │ │ │24│jolly, │ All thro' that crafty Fox. │ │ │ │ │ │ prophecied │ │25│but if │The name of _box_ I therefore dread, │ │ │ │ │ I've had so many shocks; │ │ │26│you're │They'll never end,—for when I'm dead │ ☍ ♀ ☽ ♐ │ │ │ │ They'll nail me in a _box_. │ │ │27│poor,— │ │ │ │ │ │ │anything at │ │28│cold │ │ │ │ │ │ │ all about │ │29│hungry │ │ │ │ │ │ │the matter? │ │30│melan- │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │31│choly. │ │ ♀ ♐ ♄ ♊ ♑ │ │ │ │ │ │ └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

FINALE.

My task is done! but, ere I "drown my book,"
And "break my staff," I'll take a parting look.

If I have made a fool, in sportive fit,
A lapstone meet, whereon to shape my wit,
So gently have I used him, that, with care,
He'll serve my purpose for another year:
As old Majendie skinned the Italian hound,
And time too short for demonstration found,
Then told his pupils, if they managed right,
They'd keep the dog alive another night.

Of embryo asses I've a pretty store,
Who crave a flaying in a twelvemonth more;
Subjects of every colour and complexion,
Contending for the honour of dissection;
While some there are, who, blest in their condition,
Would waive the honours of my exhibition.
As bashful Bishops, at an ordination,
Cry "_Nolo_," to the gentle invitation:
And some, the only merit of whose life
Will be, their forming victims for my knife.

Now, John,—not Sir John Ross—I mean John Bull
Thou silly, soft, good-natured, guileless gull!
Why wilt thou let each knave enrich his nest
With treasures pilfered from thy downy breast?
Pill-bolting glutton of all sorts of trash!
In jest or earnest needing still the lash,
Thy cure (no sinecure) will keep, I fear,
My rod in pickle for another year.

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
FOR 1837.

┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ │ JANUARY. │ [1837.│ ├──┬─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ │ │ Now folks trudge on with muffled faces, │ │ │To meet Dan Winter's cold embraces; │ │ │But he has not the freezing air, │ │ │That upstart, purse-proud worldlings wear. │ │ │ Now mischief-making urchins plan, │ │ │With glassy slide, the fall of man; │ │ │But Summer friends, with Wint'ry looks, │ │ │Are slipp'rier far than icy brooks. │ ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │_Prognosti- │ │ │ │fications._ │ ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ │ 1│Curaçoa taken (rather too freely). │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 2│The _Sandwich_ Islands discovered by a _Cook_. │ Touching │ │ │ │ │ │ 3│ Let shame and foul disgrace betide the enervated │ the Stars, │ │ │ land, which │ │ │ │ Forsakes old English suppers for that make-believe,│ │ │ │ a Sandwich. │ │ │ 4│ │ ♄ ☉ ☌ ♊ │ │ │ │ │ │ 5│Dividends due. Very _Consoling_, but "Take care of │ │ │ │ your pockets!" │ │ │ │ │ (That │ │ 6│TWELFTH DAY. _Hilarity_ Term ends. │ │ │ │ │ is to say │ │ 7│ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 8│General Election. _Tower Hamlets voters soak their_│ ☊ ♄ ♂ ☉ │ │ │ Clay, _and vote_ │ │ │ │_for_ Lushington.—_Lambeth ditto give three_ │ │ │ 9│hips _for_ Hawes, _and huzza_! │ with a │ │ │ │ │ │10│ │ figurative │ │ │ │ │ │11│_Cayenne_ taken by as-_salt_, 1809. Enemy well │tangibility,│ │ │ _peppered_. │ │ │ │ │ │ │12│ │ ⚹ ☉ │ │ │ │ │ │13│ │ │ │ │ │seeing they │ │14│ │ │ │ │ │ are out of │ │15│ │ │ │ │ │ our reach) │ │16│ FROZE-OUT GARDENERS. │ │ │ │ │ │ │17│ Poor half-starv'd, froze-out Gardeners, good │ ♂ ♄ │ │ │ gentlefolk, we be— │ │ │ │ Hard lines for us, my masters all, as ever you did │ │ │ │ see; │ │ │18│ We sits among the trenches in a shake and in a │ │ │ │ shiver, │ │ │ │ And our poor little babbies are without a bit of │I do opine, │ │ │ kiver; │ │ │19│ Like snails among the cabbages, they curls │ │ │ │ themselves around, │ │ │ │ Or, like the little caterpillars, grubbing on the │ that │ │ │ ground. │ │ │20│ We wanders home and dreads to hear of some mishap │ │ │ │ or other, │ │ │ │ And scarcely dares to ax the pretty darlings │ whereas, │ │ │ "_how's your mother?_" │ │ │21│ │ │ │ │ │ │ │22│Lord BACON born. (Query, The _Fry-er_.) │ ♏ ♄ ☌ ♀ │ │ │ │ │ │23│ _She sold her mangle_ long ago,—'twere better far │ │ │ │ nor prigging; │ │ │ │ For we only turns up spades whene'er we tries our │ according │ │ │ hands at digging. │ │ │24│ Without some rain 'tis all in vain. Alack! our │ │ │ │ hearts is breaking, │ │ │ │ And surely we should break our _teeth_ if we should│ to Hamlet, │ │ │ go a-_raking_: │ │ │25│ So, night and day, we ever pray the frost it may be│ │ │ │ going, │ │ │ │ No more they'll let us _owe_, unless we gets a │ │ │ │ little _hoe_ing: │ │ │26│ The parish board don't heed our word; but, looking │ ♌ ☋ │ │ │ black or blue, │ │ │ │ They reads the Hact o' Parliament, and then cries— │ │ │ │ "_Who are you?_" │ │ │27│ So help the froze-out Gardeners, kind masters every│ there are │ │ │ one, │ │ │ │ For while _you_'re sporting on the ice, _we_'re │ │ │ │ starving till it's gone. │ │ │28│ │more things │ │ │ │ │ │29│ │ in │ │ │ │ │ │30│Lecture on _Heads_ at Whitehall. Price, a _crown_. │ heaven and │ │ │ │ │ │31│Ben Jonson born. "Shikspur—who wrote Shikspur?" │ earth │ │ │ │ │ └──┴─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘

JANUARY,—Last Year's Bills.
]

CHRISTMAS BILLS.

(_Mrs. Figgins loquitur._)

Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Here's a bundle of "little accounts:"
And their bearers left word they'd be glad
If you'd settle their little amounts.
They've all got "large sums" to "make up,"
And cannot wait longer, they swear:
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Here's the doctor's—a horrid long bill—
And he vows he's as badly as you;
For his patients wont pay him a groat,
And he's dying of _Tick_ Doloreux.
But he says he's consulted a friend,
A lawyer that lives very near:
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

The surgeon's is not a whit less:
At its items I really shiver'd:
A hundred for Sally's confinement;
A hundred to "Bill delivered."
A hundred for mixtures and pills
(I think it's uncommonly dear):
But I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

The baker has brought you a roll
Which will take you a month to digest:
He looks most uncommonly crusty,
And says that, of all trades, he's blest
If a baker's is not the most _kneady_;
And hints at John _Dough_; and I fear—
But I wish you the joys of the season,
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

The poult'rer his "Game Bill" has brought:
This year's—and last year's in addition,
Twelve guineas for Black-cock alone,
Which I think is a _grouse_ imposition.
Ten guineas for pheasants and hares!
And he charges his ven'son as _deer_.
But I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Here's your butcher—the city M.P.—
Begs to "_ax_ leave to bring in his _bill_."
It takes up six folio pages:
Good heavens! it's as long as a will.
He says times are quite out of _joint_;
And he _must_ have the cash; so, my dear,
I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Your grocer abuses you _grossly_,
Your hatter, and tailor _surtout_;
Your saddler's been going on sadly,
And your green-grocer looks very blue.
The brewer is down in the hall,
And wont stir till he's paid for his beer;
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Then there's _my_ little bill of two hundred
For laces and trimmings—but laws!
You wont grudge your poor rib a few ribbons;
Will you, duck?—and ten guineas for gauze.
And a hundred for bonnets and hats,
And my last di'mond set—such a dear!—
Kiss me, love! Oh! the joys of the season!
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

And the ponies—my pet little Grey,
And Miss Slimlegs, and Giraffe, and Beauty:
(But you know, love, they're all under size,
And so don't pay a farthing of duty;)
The coach-hacks, _but_ two hundred pounds:
(We don't drive our own tits—_that's_ dear:)
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

And, oh dear! here's a note from your steward!
He says your estate he's been round,
And examined your books and your papers;
And you can't pay a crown in the pound.
There's writs out against you by scores;
You're surrounded by tipstaves and bums;
So I wish you, my love, a good Christmas!
And a happy New Year—when it comes!

FEBRUARY.—Valentine's Day.
]

┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┐ │ FEBRUARY. │ [1837.│ ├──┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┤ │ │No more the farmer's dame shall rue │ │ │The slaughter of her poultry crew; │ │ │Compell'd, this month, to sign a truce │ │ │With turkey, donkey, pig, and goose, │ │ │The Cockney Sportsman grounds his arms, │ │ │And dicky birds are free from harms; │ │ │Percussion guns become a jest, │ │ │Put on their _caps_, and _go to rest_. │ ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┤ │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ │ │ │ fications._ │ ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ │ 1│New River begun, 1608. Drunk _at a Temperance │ than │ │ │ meeting_ 1836. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 2│_Candle_MAS DAY. Some _dark_ affair now brought to │ ☍ ♀ △ ♐ │ │ │ _light_. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 3│BLAISE. "Farmers, look to your ricks!"—SWING. │ │ │ │ │ are dreamt │ │ 4│A _fair_ warms the bosom of Old Father Thames, │ │ │ │ 1814. │ │ │ │ │ of in our │ │ 5│ │ │ │ │ │ philosophy, │ │ 6│ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 7│SHROVE TUES. A great _Fry_-day. Mrs. FRY │ ♀ ⚹ ♎ │ │ │ _pan_-egyrised. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 8│ │ │ │ │ │ so are │ │ 9│ │ │ │ │ │ there other │ │10│ │ │ │ │ │ aspects, │ │11│Sir Jeffery Dunstan. "No real _k_night." │ │ │ │ │ │ │12│1 SUNDAY IN LENT. _Corporal_ punishment promoted by│ ⊕ ♄ ♌ ♀ │ │ │ _General_ Fast. │ │ │ │ │ │ │13│ │ besides │ │ │ │ │ │14│VALENTINE. All Fools' Day. │ sideral │ │ │ │ │ │15│ │ ones, │ │ │ │ │ │16│ VALENTINE TO MISS MARTINEAU. │ that do │ │ │ │ │ │17│"Come, live with me, and be my love," │ marvellously │ │ │And we to all the world will prove │ │ │18│"That hill and valley, grove and field" │ influence │ │ │Are waste, if Nature's stores they yield; │ │ │19│While rustic joys and simple swains │ ♉☊♀ │ │ │Are nought compared to rich men's gains. │ │ │20│We'll demonstrate, to please the Tabbies, │ and affect │ │ │That none but boobies will have babbies, │ │ │21│And dose and diet all the nation, │ us. │ │ │To check the growing population. │ │ │22│Our virgin thoughts, as pure as "_vargis_," │ ♐ ♋ │ │ │Will ne'er increase the public charges; │ │ │23│So cease in frowns thy face to deck, │ The │ │ │Thy mind's the best _preventive check_. │ │ │24│ │configurations│ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │25│ │ of the │ │ │ │ │ │26│ │constellations│ │ │ │ │ │27│ │ ♀ ♅ ⚹ ☿ │ │ │ │ do not │ │28│Hare-hunting ends. Cats'-skins rise. │ augur more │ └──┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┘

VALENTINE'S DAY.

Oh! love, love, love, love, love, love, love!
What plaguy work you make!
From New Year's day to New Year's day
No rest you seem to take.

And yet you're but a little chap:
To me it seems most odd,
That folks should truckle thus to thee,
Thou Semi-Demi-God!

The day of all the livelong year
That you most brightly shine,
Is February's fourteenth day,
Illustrious Valentine.

Oh! then what breaking of young hearts!
What fits! what swoons! what cries!
And sobs of ev'ry kind and sort,
And _sighs_ of ev'ry _size_!

No day makes such a stir as this:
(Not even the king's natal:)
Of all the fêtes, O Valentine!
Thy _fête_ is the most _fatal_.

All other _feasts_ are sinking _fast_,
But yours shall ne'er decline:
And oh! among _read letter_ days,
What day can match with thine?

All now to Love their homage pay:
From him that guides the plough,
To him that guides the state;—the king
Himself's a _court-ier_ now.

Love leads poor mortals such a dance
O'er hill and over plain,
The world seems like one vast quadrille
The figure, _Ladies' chain_.

In fact, 'tis Nature's grand _Court_ day,
When high and low you meet:
The noble with his am'rous _train_;
The beggar with his _suite_.

There's not a trade or mystery,
But love finds means to bind:
The very blacksmith at his forge
Feels _hammer-ously_ inclined.

Jack Ketch himself from Cupid's noose
By no means feels secure.
The butcher—heretofore so hard—
Feels in his heart a skewer.

The miser (harder far than both)
Now opens with avidity
His chest—his heart, I meant to say:—
For _Cupid_, cuts _Cupidity_.

The beasts are just in the same plight;
The horse, the ass, the steer:
The lion's found his "own true love;"
The stag has got his _deer_.

The little mouse, tho' small he be,
Courts after his own fashion:
The very _mite's_ obliged to own
That love's a _mite-y_ passion.

The very birds are caught: the crow
In amorous despondence,
His carrion leaves, to _carry on_
A tender correspondence.

And while Miss Grace invites her beau
With her at eve to wander,
The goose, whose quill she gently wields,
Is gone to meet her gander.

Since birds and beasts don't die for love,
T'were sillier than a goose,
Because I can't tie Hymen's _knot_,
To dangle in a _noose_.

Fresh bonds I'll seek, tho' I should roam
From England to Owhyee:
And for my death (fixed for to-day)
Postpone it _sine die_.

┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬───────────────┐ │ MARCH. │ │ ├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────────┤ │Come, tell me what's MARCH like? A bully, I trow, │ │ │Who runs up, and blinds you by giving a _blow_; │ │ │Or a saucy Drill Serjeant, with swaggering airs, │ │ │Who the rustic recruit by his blustering scares;— │ │ │Or a Serjeant-_at-law_, who so craftily tries, │ │ │In a tempest of words, to _throw dust in your eyes_. │ │ ├──┬──────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────────┤ │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ │ │ │ fications._ │ ├──┼──────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────────┤ │ 1│ST. DAVID'S DAY. Prince of _Whales_ caught at the │ │ │ │ Nore, where he springs a _leak_. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 2│Death of _Boil-eau_. Kitchen maids go into │ commotions │ │ │ _mourning_. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ 3│ │ and │ │ │ OPENING OF PARLIAMENT. │ │ │ 4│ │consternations │ │ │The tables of both Houses groan with Petitions │ │ │ │ from all classes │ │ │ 5│of His Majesty's subjects. Among the most │ ♄ ♉ │ │ │ important will be │ │ │ │found the prayer of the half-starved _Hacks_ to be│ │ │ │ exported to │ │ │ 6│_Otaheite_; the petition of the _Dogs_ against the│ to Great │ │ │ _truck_ system; the │ │ │ │appeal of the _Cats_ to the King for an asylum, in│ │ │ │ _Lap_-land, from │ │ │ 7│the suit of the _Skinners'_ Company; the petition │ Britain, │ │ │ of the _Ducks_ to │ │ │ │be presented by Mr. _Poulter_, for the │ │ │ │ discontinuance of Bean │ │ │ 8│Feasts, to be supported by Mr. _Pease_; the │ ♅ ☋ ♊ ☿ │ │ │ memorial of the _Hogs_ │ │ │ │against breakfast _bacon_, and offering to prove │ │ │ │ it all _gammon_; the │ │ │ 9│humble prayer of the Whitebait of Blackwall to be │ than do │ │ │ excused attendance │ │ │ │at the Cabinet Ministers' dinners; ditto from Mr. │ │ │ │ _Place_ │ │ │10│(it is supposed neither will be dispensed with); │ divers other │ │ │ the memorial of │ │ │ │the men of genius as to the foundation of a │ │ │ │ college for the cultivation │ │ │11│of the _Muses_ among the _Happy-nine_ mountains, │ aspects │ │ │ and the petition │ │ │ │of the Royal Society of _Beggars_ for leave to │ │ │ │ hold their court │ │ │12│in the ruins of _Rag_-land Castle. │ ♌ ♑ ♓ │ │ │ │ │ │13│ │ denote │ │ │ │ │ │14│ │ sundry │ │ │ │ │ │15│Isaac Walton died. │ mishaps │ │ │ │ │ │16│ EPITAPH. │ and │ │ │ │ │ │17│Rejoice, ye little fishes all! │ mischances │ │ │ Ye tickle-bats and minnows! │ │ │18│A human _pike_ without a _sole_, │ ⚹ ☍ ♀ ♈ │ │ │ Has left this world of sinners. │ │ │19│Ye gentle gentils, grieve no more! │ to Little │ │ │ Your pangs perhaps he feels; │ │ │20│For now a greedier _pike_, grim Death, │ Britain; │ │ │ Has laid him by the h_eels_. │ │ │21│ │ and if │ │ │ │ │ │22│ │ │ │ │ │ ♑ ☌ ♎ │ │23│_Cannon_-ization of Antwerp, 1832. │ │ │ │ │ the lord of │ │24│Captain Parry among the Esquimaux. Great _Seal_ │ │ │ │ stolen. │ │ │ │ │ the Sixth │ │25│ │ │ │ │ │ House, │ │26│ │ │ │ │ │ │ │27│Easter Monday. Epping Hunt. │ ♊ ⚹ ♄ ♀ │ │ │ │ │ │28│ │ among │ │ │ │ │ │29│ │ the │ │ │ │ │ │30│ │constellations,│ │ │ │ │ │31│ │ ☋ ♌ │ └──┴──────────────────────────────────────────────────┴───────────────┘

MARCH.—Tossing the Pancake.
]

THOMAS GARDENER TO SALLY COOK.

"I tak up my pen with much pleasure to inform yew that i hav bean quiet Mizzerabl evver sins i left my plase. Evvery think has gon rong from that day to this, i hav ad no Turnups to speek of in my gardn & no Peas in my mind. i offen think of the appy days we ust to spend, partickly our Soft tewsdys wen yew ust to tos us up them nice apel friters wile the rest of the sirvents was obleigt to put up with nothink but plane pan caks without nayther apels nor sugger. O saly! i offen sets & thinks that luv is jest like a friing pan & won's art like a pan cak frizzling in the midl on it.

"Ive nevver repentid leveing but onst and thats evver sins. But i wasent agoin to stand bean dun out of my perquizzits by masters pertending he ad a rites to cum into the gardn wennever he likt & get my peeches & necktrings, jest becaws it was hisn, and giv away my Cabidges and Lettises without so much as with your Leaf or by your Leaf, to say nothink about the rumpus he maid about them 2 or 3 graps & acusing me of Boneing the Bone mannure, & wors then al, eaping them 2 tun of coles on my hed wich i no moor stole em then yew did saly, & after turning me away on account of the Coles wanting to Cokes me bak agen.

"Deer saly, my place hear is verry cumfuttabl, but i am verry uncumfuttabl in it on acount of my Bean in sich a tendar pashun with Yew. O lav, luv! i am grew as thin as a lath and hav found out wot it is not to hav cuk for a swete hart. Our under ous made is verry fond on me but wats the use of ous mades, won carnt heat brumes and skrubbin brushs. O saly saly! yew wood ardly no me i am as week as a kittin, i can scace andl my Spade & its all Hoeing to yew. i set ours & ours in the forsing ous doing nothink but thinking of yewr perty face, & i offen think ow appy we mite be with yewr 2 underd pound as yewr Grand muther left yew, & yewr 50 pound in the saveing bank, & my 5 pound as Jorge Hawl the squir's futman as is gone away ows me. We mite take a Publik ous, the Pig & wissle for instants, & get a gud bisnes & be as appy as the day is lung. Saly luv wat do yew say to me, let me no your mind, but rimmember wat i sed about the Publik is strickly Privet.

"Deer saly, i carnt abuse my noo mastr & missus, at least not at pressent, they are uncomon kind to me & so is al the fammaly. The 2 former blungs to a Linean sowsiaty & to ear em tawk aboat Bottany is rely quite Transporting. We ad the annywal sho the uther day wich is cunducktid in the most aprovd maner namely giving prises to al the supskribers, wich givs gennaral sattisfaxion and advarnses siance. It tuk place in the town all on wensdy last for Pinks Dailys and settera, on wich okashun master was brote in Furst mule, & missus Furst fireball, & i beg to anounce in the veggytibl line i was juged to be the Bigest cabbige head out of 40. The sowsiaty has dun a gud deal of gud hear abouts in regard of kichin gardn stuf, namely redishs so larg as not to be told from carots, & peas like Led bulits, boath wich is nothink in cumparryson of their turnups wich they hav at last suckseeded in growin em so big & ollow as is gud for nothink but litle bys to make Jack a lantans off. The sowsiaty increses annywaly evry ear, & oposishun is got to sich a hite as yew woodent bleav. The uther day 1 poor felow, Bean bete in his Carrots, axualy went ome & cut his Carrotid hartary. Annother grate advarntidge is the onnerrery members dining togather after the sho & eting up al the Best frute, by wich in Coarse they no wear to aply to annother time wen they want anny. The rest is sold to pay xpences. Allso it is a verry gud thing for the markit gardners, anny 1 of woom by paying 2 shilin entrants & sending in a 5 shilin baskit of veggytibles stands a charnse of wining a ½ crown prise.

"For my own part i am Bcuming quite bottannycle & no the lattin to evrythink. It wood sirprize my old butty James to ear me nocking the ard words about. Tel him with my best cumplyments he nose nothink. For instants Tel him a rose isent no sich thing but only a Pollyandrew, allso by the same rule a Merrygold is nuthink but a Merryandrew, and sow on of the rest. But studdiing Bottany doant Leav 1 much time for wurking in the gardn, & i am sory to say my things is luking verry bad, partickly my Dailys wich is groan quite Weekly, and my Melons cutting a verry Melon-koly apearance.

"Owevver i must cum to an end, so deer saly rimmember my cumplements to Jon butler, & Tummas futman, & Robbart cochman, & Deer saly doant Forget yourself. And saly, doant hay nothink to say to your noo Gardner, for betwene yew & me, as yew ust to say of cuks, gardners is no grate shaks. So doant nevver luv nobdy but Me for deer saly my luv for yew is Hardy Peranual. So gud Boy my deer Gal

"from your hafectionet
"TUMMAS HOLLYOKE."

APRIL.—Return from the Races.
]