Chapter III

Tom Gad, my eyes! to his own surprise,
Is learning how to dance;
Wherever he goes, he'll point his toes
As gentlemen do in France:
He'll be the pink of a London beau—
Quite the fashion, and all the go!

7. A wooden spoon presented by an old woman to the Queen.

All the spoons of the nation soon made known their wishes,
To be speedily plunged in Her Majesty's dishes;
Yet 'twas found to be useless to take any more,
For the spoonies at Court were too many before.

14. Reported destruction of the Falls of Niagara.

'Twas said that the Falls, with a terrible din,
Had fall'n from their perch on high;
But now it falls out that they ne'er fell in,
And so 'twas a fals-i-ty.
'Tis shocking to spread such news appallible,
About these Falls, which are still infallible.

Ball practice. Finishing lesson.
]

High and Low Water
]

HIGH AND LOW WATER.
A LETTER OF THE LIONS OF LONDON.

"_From a Young Lady in Town to her Friend in the Country._"

POLITE LETTER WRITER.

I know, my dear Ellen, you think me to blame
For not writing once, since from Clumpsted I came;
But, what with the whirl and confusion of town,
I declare I have scarcely had time to sit down.

We are now in "The Season;" by fashion's blest laws
Always fix'd at this point of the twelvemonth, because
To mope in the country's a terrible thing,
With nothing to watch but the progress of Spring,
As its cowslips and primroses burst from the ground,
And nought but the chirps of the wood-birds resound.
But how different London—one scene of delight!
Sights and concerts by day, balls and operas by night.
And we've all been _so_ happy, _so_ busy, _so_ gay,
With one drawback alone—it has rain'd every day!

You cannot conceive, if 'tis not pointed out,
How quickly in London you travel about;
So I'll tell you, all fabulous narratives scorning,
The various places we saw _in one morning_!
Our lodgings we left about half after nine,
And, taking a coach, we drove off to the Shrine
Of the Chapel at Bethlehem, whence we could glance
At the fine church of Auch, which you know is in France.
Next, into the famed Polytechnic we dropp'd,
And there, a few minutes, at Canton we stopp'd;
Then quitting this spot, with despatch just the same,
By the _route_ of Pall Mall, into Syria we came
At the Kineorama—a tour rather fleet,
Since to Egypt you pass, without quitting your seat,
From whose ancient relics, time-worn and corroded,
We reach'd St. Jean d'Acre just as it exploded.

(To make my accounts with localities tally,
The fortress _I_ mean overlooks Cranbourne-alley.)
And after we'd travell'd these scenes to explore,
We got home to dine, at our lodgings, by four.

We've attended the second interment of Boney;
We've heard Sophie Loëwe, and seen Taglioni;
Whilst Nisbett and Keeley, in _London Assurance_,
Have kill'd us with laughter, beyond all endurance.

With respect to Haitzinger and Stoeckel Heinefetter,
We fearlessly state, we have heard many better
Amongst our own people, deserving more praise,
Not omitting the young Infant Sappho, whose lays
Forced a cockney to state, against euphony sinning,
Entranced by her strains, that "her vays vas quite _vinning_!"

We climb'd up the stairs to the Monument top,
But it pour'd so with rain that Papa wouldn't stop.
We saw nought but the Thames and the fog, I declare,
Or, as Tom quoted, "_nil nisi pontus et aer_."
So we went to the Tunnel, because, as Pa said,
There, at least, we should have a dry roof o'er our head;
But we very soon found, to our horror and fright,
That the river, presuming it still had a right
To keep its own bed, and annoy'd at intrusion,
Broke in all at once, to our utter confusion,
And, had we not flown at the top of our speed,
You ne'er would have had this epistle to read.

But I find I have come to the end of my sheet,
And the postman is ringing his bell in the street;
So, with hundreds of kisses, I'll finish forthwith.

Believe me, love,
_toujours à toi_,
MARY SMITH.

REGISTER OF INVENTIONS FOR 1841.

Some excitement has been caused among the learned bodies on the Continent, by the discovery of a new Chlorine Bleaching Fluid, of novel and unexampled powers, the invention of which is due to Professor Jügler, of Scampsburgen. Not only has it the power of removing the most permanent stains from a person's character, but it also clears the most muddy conscience in the course of a few applications; and a small quantity applied to the head as a lotion is gradually absorbed and filters through the brain, removing in its course all unpleasant reminiscences and uncomfortable thoughts. Its mollifying powers have been tested on a number of the hardest substances, including the heart of a metaphysician, which, in a few seconds, it entirely humanized. Diluted with water, and sprinkled on the floor, it purifies Houses of Parliament, Lawyers' Offices, Private Lunatic Asylums, Cheap Schools, and Race-course Betting-stands; and, used medicinally, a few drops, taken internally, blunt the intellect, and if administered before a trial, will totally destroy any _souvenir_ of a former event that it may be deemed advisable to get rid of in a principal witness. We ought in justice to add, that the Mnemonic Tincture was also the discovery of the talented Jügler, which is equally useful in causing persons to recollect things that never happened at all.

Photographic Portraits. Whilst the Adelaide Gallery and Polytechnic Institution of London are vying with each other for superiority in producing those remarkably pleasant-looking and cheerful representations, Mons. Le Cœur, of Paris, has adopted his new system of taking them, which it seems he addresses especially to young engaged people. The optical structure of the human eye, it is well known, forms a Camera Obscura, by whose action the lineaments of the loved one are correctly stamped upon the heart. The chief difficulty has been experienced in fixing the picture so formed; for it appears that, _after_ marriage, there are few, if any, traces of the features that were impressed there _before_.

Amongst the Patents taken out during the past year, the Polyglossographic Adamant Steel Pen ranks high in estimation. It is particularly recommended to the notice of the public, for the facility with which it enables people, not only to write in any language they like, but to transcribe with grammatical elegance.

The Parvenu Medium Point is invaluable to those ladies and gentlemen who have experienced a sudden rise in their fortunes; as it saves them from exposing their want of education to their epistolary friends.

The Platino-Zincoid Poetical Nib will write Stanzas to Mary, and lines to a Moss Rose, in any quantity; peculiarly adapted for Albums and Fashion Books. To paid, regular contributors to Annuals and Magazines, who revel in the mill-horse style of writing, it will be found of incalculable advantage.

The Romance Rhodium Quality will furnish tales for newspapers at a column an hour, varying in thrilling intensity, or historical epoch, according to the ink used, which may, it appears, be procured with the pens. The Newgate Writing Fluid is the most popular at present.

The Patent Circumslogdollagizing Leader Pen will prove highly advantageous to gentlemen of the Public Press, from the facility with which it produces leading articles on any popular theme. We had the satisfaction of trying a Corn Law pen, which answered admirably; and we hear the ingenious inventor has manufactured Chartist, Commentary, and Abusive pens, on the same principle, as well as Review Nibs.

The Engineer of the North-south-east-western Counties Railway undertook, for a trifling wager, to travel at the rate of twenty miles a second, and actually arrived at the appointed station some time before he quitted the terminus! He states that this intense velocity is obtained by using gin and water in the engine, instead of water alone, which imbues it with a species of temporary intoxication.

The _Leviathan_ steamship, to run between England and America, will be launched early in the Spring. Great fears are, however, entertained as to whether there will be room enough in the Atlantic for her to turn round, without damaging her bowsprit between Liverpool and New York.