Chapter XII (2)

Here I am in Chainy, and its rather hominous that, after all your jellessy of Nancy, I should have been brought to Chuse-Ann; but that's nayther here nor their, for I've only my duty to my kernel, which lays in a nutshel. If I'd a been one of the unattached, it would not have signeyfied, but the War Office is nothing but stone, as anybody may see, who looks at it with half a high, and the Horse Guards is, by natur, as illumered as the illumernatured clock at the top of it. But never mind; though Guvament sends my legs on a march that lasts from Jannivary to Deesember, my art can stay in the deepot of your affexions. Yes, there, without the aid o' barracks, it is reglarly barrackaded. But I spose you'd like me to tell yer something about Chainy and the Chainees. Well, yew no the plates called the villa pattern, with three fellers on a bridge, looking as if they vus a goin fishin—the vun vith a boatook, tother vith a deal board, and the thurd vith a cricket ball tied to the hend uv a walkin stik. Nou, I dare say yew think that's a korrect drawin of Chainees men and manner; but, spoonies as they are, I never seed 'em makin such preshious hasses of themselves, as they are in all the plates yure muther has of 'em. Then the tree with the horanges, is only to puff off the real Chainy, as they sells for two a penny in the streets; bekause if they vus only half as big as the hartist has made 'em they'd be whoppers indeed, and the Chainees karacter is rayther the other way; for they're always whopt themselves, instead of being whoppers.

Ven I new I vus a goin to Chainy, I took a number of Chambers; I don't meen that I highered a sweet of rooms, but I bort the Hinformation for the Peeple, treatin (as they calls it, though one has to pay for the treat) of Chainy. Akordin to the book, I find that the natives call Chainy the middle country, and it really is among the middlins, for everything about it is werry indifferent. The Great Wall runs so far that one can't say where it goes to, vich is exakly the way with the troops, though it's ony in the long run that they are anything like the wall, for they don't behave at all like bricks in any other partickler. A good deal has been said about the sighs of the Grate Wall of Chainy, and won says won thing, and won another; so that I've come to the konklusion that it's just as broad as it's long, and that settles it. One side of the place is bounded by the Pacific; and I spose it's bathing in the Pacific that makes the natives fight so preshusly shy of fightin. I hunderstand the hurth used to be a good deal given to hurthquaking; but the ground has given up that game, and the quakin bisness is now dun by the military, who are no great shakes after all, xsept in that rispect.

The natives say that Chainy is older than the deluge, but this must be a delugion. At hall events it's not much like a place of the furst vater. I think they make a mistake about the time when the flood happened, for they were overrun by a tremendous great Khan, who plunged them into hot water, and poured the cream of the Tartar troops all over them. This made such a heffervescence as never was; and as all the provinces was swamped, it's like enuff they mistook the bursting out of this great Khan for the reglar deluge.

The Hemperor is called the Brother of the Moon; and I shouldn't wunder if he's related in sum way, for I think he's crack'd, which is a common thing enuff in Chainy. They say he's the father of his peeple, and the mother two but I don't see how they make both of 'em aparent. The Guvament robs the natives vith vun hand, and pitches into 'em vith the other; so that betwixt being bamboozled and bambooed, they get a nice time of it. They used to be werry klever in science, but they're losing their hearts like winking; and though they don't paint particklarly good picters, they're great dabs at colours. Indeed, dying is the only thing they seems to excel in, as the returns of their killed will prove, to anybody's satisfakshun. As to ourselves, I've very little noose—hardly enuff to hang a line upon. Of korse you hurd of the affair at the Bogue, and the pretty Tilt we had with 'em! but it was such a farce, that I thought of sending the report to Messrs. _Tilt_ and _Bogue_, for their Comic Allmyknack. The knavy of the poor fellers is quite stationary, which means to say that it's little better than brown paper; and as to their artillery, I don't believe their gunpowder would be strong enuff to shake the nerves of an old washerwoman. The soldiers all of 'em ware tails, and seem to be wery proud on 'em, for they always turn 'em to us direktly they cum into akshun. Poor Lin, who was to be the grate card, has turned out anything but a trump; and I shouldn't wonder if he gets cut at last by a chop from the Hemperor. The Chainees are werry proud of their feet, which I don't wunder at, considerin that, in battle, they owe so much to 'em. The wumen's shoes are so small that it hinterferes with rithmetic, and makes a foot only three or four inches. It only shows how cramped they are in their hunderstandings. I've urd it said that, sum day or anuther, the Chainees will adopt our abbits. Only fancy the Hemperor in a coat down to his eels, and knee britches, vitch, they say, will ewentually be the long and the short of it. As to our fashonable kustoms, they'd easy enuff fall into them, for I've seen 'em dance at a ball in the most natral manner.

But I must konklude; for a Chainee regiment of 600 is cummin on, and I'm ordered to relieve guard, with my six men, a quarter of an hour before the time, so as to kill two burds with wun stone, by changing the sentries and frightnin away the henemy.—Your dewoted

MATHEW MUSKET.

THE COMPLETION OF THE TUNNEL.

This stupendous work is finished, and Wapping has reason to be proud of such a truly wapping undertaking. Perhaps no enterprise ever had so much cold water thrown upon it, and never was there a project which it seemed at one time so difficult to go through with. The engineer has worked like a horse, and has scarcely ever been out of the shaft.

The original shareholders, whose pockets were well drained, in fruitless efforts to drain the tunnel, have now the satisfaction of once more running through their property. For some time the ardour of the projectors was damped by the works going on rather too swimmingly. When accidents were every-day occurrences the Tunnel was a matter of interest; but since the water has been effectually kept out, it has become a dry subject.

On more than one occasion the Company would have been swamped, in spite of all hands being put to the pumps, if Government had not lent their sucker. The funds, in fact, were at low-water mark long before the works reached the same desirable point; and the more the Tunnel was set afloat the more were the shareholders aground in their undertaking.

But the perils are now past, and the Tunnel remains as a monument to British enterprise. We should call it, perhaps, a pillar to the fame of the engineer, if it were not that a pillar is incomplete without two things, one of which—the shaft—has been taken away, while the proprietors have long since lost sight of the capital.

1843.] JUNE.

THE CUP DAY AT ASCOT.

Well, this is beautiful, I do declare!
The bustle makes the scene a perfect fair,
Only there's so much fraud with great and small,
That, at a race, there's nothing fair at all;
Now, clear the ground, that horse is sure to win!
What! that poor brute! it looks uncommon thin;
They call it thoroughbred, but all must own
The animal is more like thorough bone.
But, after all, its backers show their gumption,
The creature's in a galloping consumption;
And though for many months it cannot last,
It all the symptoms shows of going fast.
They're off! they're off! oh, what a slapping pace!
Here's the perfection of the human race.
That rider will be thrown, 'tis very plain,
The only chance now left him is the _mane_:
The race is over, and the sport is up;
We'll leave them to enjoy their stakes and cup.
Now for the wine—the hamper let's unpack,
The glasses can be ready in a crack.
Oh dear! look here! this is a sad to-do,
During the run the wine's been running too;
And shan't I get into a pretty scrape,
This borrow'd cloak is done for with the cape;
Of my best wine this is a pretty clearer,
I wish it were my cheaper, not Madeira.
Well, let us have a glass of port instead;
We can't, here's all the crust upon the bread.
'Tis useless now to grumble at our fate,
We came to Ascot for the cup and plate;
While to our lot it has but chanced to fall,
That we see nothing in them after all!

* * * * *

1. Lord Howe's victory, 1794.

The French, no doubt, had made a vow
To conquer—but they knew not How(e).

21. Queen Victoria proclaimed. The longest day.

The Queen proclaimed upon the longest day!
May this coincidence be not in vain;
But prove prophetic of her lengthen'd sway,
And to the longest day prolong her reign.

THE CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S LAMENT.

Upon my vord and honour I never know'd sich times,
The climbing-boys must emigrate, and go to other climes;
The Lords and Kemmins, and the Kveen—yes, she, and all, alas!
Has pass'd an act, the vich I call a werry pretty pass:
They've akshually made a law, vich says, or else implies,
Henceforth, in his purfession, no chimney-sweep shall rise.
They've closed agin us all the chimneys—isn't it a shame?
How would the politicians like all to be sarved the same?
Because if all the dirty vays of rising should be barr'd,
Then politicians on themselves would find it werry hard.
Vy take the law! It must be owned the road's uncommon black,
By vich they werry often rise to sit upon the sack.
If clean straightforward paths had been the only ones allow'd,
How many chancellors might still have swell'd the briefless crowd!
For dirty vays may often raise a knave that's keen and cool,
Who otherwise might get the sack, but not the sack of wool.
Oh! vot is to become on us, and vither shall we rush?
They tell us that ve mustn't sweep, and yet they bid us brush.
Its vatchful eye on all but us the public kindly keeps,
They've got Humane Societies for everything but sweeps
Mayhap because the soot upon our faces does perwail,
Society believes that we are not within its pale;
But never mind, I'll emigrate, and then I'll live at ease,
Though chimneys I'm forbid to sweep, at least I'll sweep the seas;
And of the natives to make friends I'll do my best to try,
But if they run, vot then?—I'm used to see blacks fly.
Or else to China I vill go, indeed I do not joke,
To stop the trade in opium, by curing all the smoke.
'Tis true I love my native land; but then, agin, you see,
My lucky I'm obliged to cut, because it has cut me:
But now good bye, I must not waste more time in idle talks,
And since my future walk's chalk'd out—at once I'll walk my chalks.

WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THE PARISH 'PRENTICES?

Poor little Jim, so short and slim,
A sweep alone, before, would take him;
But since the law's new sweeping clause,
The parish must a _grow-sir_ make him.

Science under Divers forms.
]

REMARKS ON THE WEATHER.

Perhaps the best method of ascertaining the fact of its being warm or cold is to go out into the air; but if you are unable to do this, and a person coming in from out of doors is seen to rub his hands, you may presume that the atmosphere is chilly.

An infallible method of ascertaining whether it is wet is to watch the puddles in the streets, and if you see them agitated you may conclude that rain is descending.

If there has been a frost at night you may look for ice in the morning, and, in winter, if you have no thermometer, you may get some valuable information from the state of your pitcher.

The rattling of tiles overhead indicates wind; and a descent of soot down your chimney foretells rainy weather.

The approach of winter may generally be prognosticated by a general display of Chesterfield Wrappers, at the doors of cheap tailors' shops; but when 25,000 straw bonnets are seen in linendrapers' windows, spring may be confidently looked forward to.

When the water-carts are particularly active you may expect rain; and if a flash of lightning is visible, prepare for thunder.

When you see the advertisement of a flower-show, it would be prudent to provide yourself on the day named with an umbrella.

If your water has not come into your cistern, you may conclude there has been frost, unless you happen to be in arrear with your rates, when the phenomenon may be otherwise accounted for.

SCIENCE UNDER DIVERS FORMS.

_Letter from a Passenger on Board the Submarine Steamer._

Well, here we are, safe and sound at the bottom of the Bay of Biscay, where we intend to sleep one night, for the purpose of testing the qualities of the bed of the ocean, which consists, as you will suppose, of several sheets of water, and plenty of wet blankets, with billows instead of pillows on the top of it.

Not being able to keep my head above water I determined on making a bold plunge, and therefore took my passage in the submarine steamer, where several others, who were, like myself, over head and ears, were anxious to keep out of the way, and having sunk all my available capital, I thought it better to sink myself by way of looking after it.

We have had a very delightful voyage, but we met on our way with some very odd fish, who stared rather rudely in at our cabin windows, and a party of lobsters looked exceedingly black as we passed very near to them. The mermaids were much alarmed at first, but soon became reconciled to our appearance, and, when we talked of weighing our anchor, they, with much simplicity, offered us the use of their scales.

You are aware that a company is forming for the purpose of turning the tide of emigration towards the bottom of the sea; and if people can live under water, they ought not, from mere motives of pride, to be above it. There will, of course, be some difficulty in dealing with the natives, but we have taken the precaution to treat with an influential oyster, who, however, keeps extremely close, and, if he will not manifest a little more openness, it is expected that war to the knife must be resorted to. We at first anticipated some hostility from the sharks, but, as we purposely abstained from bringing any lawyers among the first settlers, we have now very little fear of a collision on account of conflicting interests.

The appearance of our vessel has caused a considerable sensation among the inhabitants of the ocean, but we have followed the plan of the early emigrants to strange parts, and endeavoured to propitiate the various fish by trifling presents. We threw a box of antibilious pills to a large party of Cockles, and we pitched overboard a quantity of false collars to a group of salmon, whose gills seemed sadly out of condition. We also distributed copies of Crabbe and Shelley to as many of the crustaceous fish as approached near enough to our vessel to enable us to do so; while to a dog-fish we presented a fine specimen of bark, which he did not appear very much to relish. We met on our way down with one of the white sharks, which are known to be the terror of mariners. The creature stared at us with both its eyes, and, while we maintained an awful silence, the shark seemed to respond to our muteness by holding its jaw in the most alarming manner: the extended cavity of its frightful mouth presented a harrowing exhibition, and it seemed as if, like other exhibitions, it might be "open from ten to four," and then it would have been ten to one if we had escaped from being drawn into it. The tremendous teeth seemed clearly to indicate that there would be "no admittance except on business," and we at length sheered off from sheer timidity.

If we can only manage to get up a colony down here, there will be plenty of patronage at our disposal; and if we are allowed the appointment of a bishop, where can there be a finer see than that which is here open to him? I have already issued prospectuses of a grand _Oceanic Agricultural Association_, to be established for the purpose of regularly ploughing the deep, and dividing the proceeds among the shareholders. I state, in my advertisement, that, as we know the sea has produced sea-weed, we may reasonably expect that other vegetable matter may be reared, and as irrigation is the chief expense of agriculture, the saving in the article of water alone must keep the thing afloat—to say nothing of what will naturally flow into the coffers of the company.

I must now conclude my letter, for the vessel is about to start; and, as "tide and time wait for no man," you will perceive that I am so far tied to time as to be unable to add more than that I am

Your right down friend at the bottom,
DAVID DRINKWATER.

P.S.—We have not yet visited the extensive locker of Davy Jones, Esquire, but we intend very shortly doing so.

* * * * *

30. Penn died, 1718.

'Tis very obvious that science then
Had not found out the everlasting pen.

THE TAX UPON PROPERTY.
]

1843.] JULY.

EFFECTS OF THE INCOME-TAX.

Everybody is beginning to draw in to meet the necessity for pulling out. Tradesmen are reducing their expenses in all directions, and a respectable grocer has just dismissed an assistant who suited him to a T. A cook-shop boy, who used to be kept purposely to carry out the provisions to the customers, has been sent away, in order to enable the proprietor to carry out the provisions of the income tax. A large linendrapery house in the Westminster Road has cut off "a young man," who is thus thrown, as it were, as a burden on the rest of the community.

Individuals in a respectable sphere of life, who could formerly keep a page, have been obliged to turn over a new leaf; and it is a positive fact that a Conservative peer intends, in the ensuing Session, putting down a Brougham.

But it is not only among old and established interests that the burden will be felt, for it is ascertained beyond doubt that the boys will be alarming sufferers. The toffey dealers have already commenced manufacturing an inferior article, which is being palmed off upon the juveniles as the genuine Everton. We have personally analysed a piece of Albert rock, under the new system, and we have discovered an increased proportion of sand in its composition. It is also a lamentable fact that a baked potato man has stopped up—we hope not permanently—one of the chimneys of his apparatus, besides extinguishing one of the fine lanterns with which it is adorned—a piece of retrenchment that will fall first on the oilman, and ultimately on the whale-fishing interests.

An influential publican has shockingly reduced his only potboy, and the unhappy lad is walking about the streets on a salary four _per cent._ under that of last year—a miserable victim to the income-tax, and a martyr (of course) to Tory ascendancy.

Respectable families, who never before considered the matter worth a thought, are looking narrowly to the candle-ends, giving, it is true, a momentary impulse to the trade in save-alls, but the flush is feverish, and will, of course, be followed by depression. The perquisites thus lost, by a stoppage in the kitchen-stuff commerce, can only be made up by the servants taking it out of their masters' bones, which used formerly to be abandoned to the grubbers, who must in future look for grub in some other direction.

The penny-a-liners have also been lowered, in order to enable some of the newspaper proprietors to pay the income-tax, but it is expected this reduction will be counterbalanced by the increase in the number of cases of real distress, and the other raw articles which form the staple of paragraphs.

AIR-UM SCARE-UM TRAVELLING.

"Who's for the excursion round the moon?
Here's the 'Original Fly Balloon.'"
"Is it this that calls
At the top of St. Paul's,
Where I'm to take up my wife and babby?"
"No, sir, it's not ours;
We only touch at the towers
Of Westminster Abbey."

We stop at the Great Bear,
To take in air;
Then at once, without waiting at all, we fly on,
In hopes of being in time to hear
Some of the music of the sphere,
Accompanied by the band of Orion.
What a funny sensation it is the clouds to enter:
Oh, don't you know the reason why
You feel rather comic when up in the sky?
'Tis caused by your distance from gravity's centre.

But here's the Zodiac, where we dine,
The Bull or the Lion is the sign;
To stop at Aquarius does not answer,
But we call to-day at the Crab, if we _Can-sir_.
Here's a lawyer wants to be starting soon,
To watch the action of the moon;
A barrister wishes much to know
If a place is vacant, that he may go
To study the laws of the stars' rotation,
With them keep pace,
As they roll through space,
And join their circuit in the long vacation.

The day of railways will be o'er,
And steam will be esteem'd no more,
When the result is seen
Of the experiment of Mr. Green,
Who says he can, as a matter of course,
In a balloon the Atlantic cross;
And, by way of proving he can,
He shows us a part of his plan,
Which looked, in miniature, very neat,
At the Polytechnic in Regent Street,
And answered, the truth to tell,
Uncommonly well,
As far as it went; but, the fact to say,
It went but a very little way.

Air-um Scare-um Travelling.
]

No one could doubt the success of the notion,
If Hanover Square
One might compare
To the wide Atlantic Ocean.
It's a very fine thing,
To take hold of a string
Attached to a pretty toy balloon,
Guiding it easily either way,
And undertaking to say
The Atlantic may be traversed soon,
By similar means;
Which will be credited by men
When all the world are Greens,
But not till then!

TAKING OF NINGPO.

When Ningpo fell, it was, in fact,
To the Chinese an awful stunner;
They fled in ranks so closely pack'd
As to remind one of _Co-runner_.

VICTORY OF GENERAL SALE.

It was enough-oh! was it not?
To turn with fright the Indians pale,
When knock'd down in an awful lot,
Without reserve, by General Sale.

OVERLAND MAIL ARRIVED FROM INDIA.

I really cannot understand
How in its speed there's aught to brag on,
When the mail journeys overland,
Convey'd from India by a Wagho(r)n.

AUGUST. [1843.

GARDENING DIRECTIONS FOR AUGUST.

Blow off dust from plants in flower—using the mouth for the more delicate sorts, and taking the bellows for those that are of stronger constitution. Pull back ivy from adjacent gardens, and train up against your own wall, with pieces of old waistcoating.

For borderings, you may now resort freely to the planting of oyster-shells, which you can procure in large quantities from the boys, after the grottos are demolished. It is not advisable to have recourse to box, though, if you have planted it very close in the previous season, you may fill up the spaces that you will now find, with the oyster-shells. They are not so liable to be attacked by the grubs, and the cats do not displace them so readily by running over them.

THE LONG VACATION.

Poor briefless one! thy furrowed face
For thy profession shows thy fitness;
And in its parchment lines we trace,
Too plainly, "These indentures witness."

Thy gown, thy bag, and all around,
Bespeak thine utter desolation;
Thy purse would lank and void be found—
Yes, all proclaims the long vacation.

Thy voice in court is always mute;
For known to all thy friends the fact is,
That, to thy melancholy flute,
Thou dost confine thy chamber practice.

They think thy clerk must sure enjoy
A sinecure—they much mistake;
They little know the wretched boy
Both cleans thy boots, and cooks thy steak.

Thy friends predicted unto thee
A judgeship; pray excuse my broaching
A theme that must unpleasant be,
Though to the bench thou art approaching.

Be of good cheer! perhaps, at last,
Fate may with some appointment bless thee,
And all thy present trials past,
In "brief authority" still dress thee.

Show of Hands for a Liberal Candidate.
]

SHOW OF HANDS FOR A LIBERAL CANDIDATE.

The borough is in commotion; the public spirit of the place, which is cold without excitement, has become warm with; and every one, with the understanding of an infant, is in arms for one or the other of the candidates.

The bill-stickers are beginning to stick up for the different parties to the approaching contest, and a linendraper has cut his principles to ribbons by selling his favours to both sides. The Liberal candidate has just come into the town, and has taken an oath that he will not spend a shilling in the contest; so that, unless his agents understand business better than he does, his return to Parliament is out of the question; but his return to the place from whence he came would be the wisest step possible.

The Tory candidate has taken another course, and all the voters in his interest are reeling drunk about the streets, prepared to fight, or in fact to do anything but to stand up for him.

The nomination took place yesterday, when the show of hands was decidedly in favour of the Liberal; but, on the Tory being proposed, there was an extensive show of cabbage-stalks, one of which was transplanted into the eye of the honourable candidate. Most of the hands that were held up had something upon the nail; and it is generally rumoured that all the ten-pounders were loaded to the muzzle, at a dinner given by a committee-man from London, on the popular side, who ran away with the money entrusted to him to pay the bill, rather than damage the good cause by letting in a proof of agency. He preferred, like a true patriot, letting in the landlord.

The Corn Laws are, of course, the subject of much difference of opinion; and one of the candidates is in favour of a sliding scale, while the other declares that skates are the only things that ought to come in upon it. He expressed also his conviction that we have no less an authority than that of Lord Nelson for resisting, and even for evading the fixed duty; "for," he exclaimed, "were not these the last words of the gallant hero—'England expects every man to do his duty'?—which is equivalent to a strong recommendation to every man 'to do' the authorities who collect the duty at the custom-house."

The Income Tax has caused an immense sensation in the borough, and the blind beggar who stands at the corner of the street, who evidently sees the matter in its true light, is indignant at having to expose the amount of his earnings. He says it is an immoral law, for it places a tax on the offerings of benevolence; but he admits that the Tariff offers him some equivalent, by letting in timber at a lower rate, and giving buoyancy to the trade in lucifers. Many declare they do not know what their income is, and on being told they must find it out, reply that they certainly cannot find it at home; while others, when called on for a return of what they have made, ask for a return of what they have lost, a query by which the assessor is generally much mystified. Moore and Murphy have sent back their papers without filling them up, but in answer to the demand for an account of their last year's profits, have sent copies of their respective almanacks, in every line of which "no prophets" is glaringly written.

Our Liberal candidate speaks very plainly on the subject, and declares that he would rather see his constituents without any incomes at all, than that they should be liable to the odious measure. His views on the Tariff are of the same bold and startling character. He denounces the Government for letting in more asses, and plainly tells the electors that they ought to stand up for themselves, and assert the sufficiency of native asses for all reasonable purposes.

The Tory has been trying the old game of kissing the children, and chatting with the wives, but the independent electors are not to be gammoned in this manner, as they formerly used to be. He nursed Mrs. Snooks's twins for half an hour yesterday, and having had them so long in his arms, he, of course, spoke the truth when he said he knew what it must be to have a young family on one's hands, and how very glad the parents must be to get them off as soon as possible. He has also bought cats enough, at ten pounds a head, to stock an island the size of St. Kitts; but ten to one if the voters come to the scratch after all, and if they do there will be the clause in the new act that will be sure to catch hold of him. The election will proceed to-morrow, and arrangements have been made with an extensive rubbish carter to bring up the out-voters, who are expected to prove regular out-and-outers in favour of the Liberal. The Tory is compelled to resort to the truck system, on account of his opponent having taken all the other modes of conveyance, and there is no doubt that a vehicle for party purposes will be made of it.

The hustings have just come to the earth with a frightful crash, the scaffolding having given way just as a poll was being loudly demanded. The confusion was, of course, dreadful. An unbending Whig fell on to the bald head of a Tory; and a stickler for the "five points," which are always in his mouth, received between his teeth the end of a walking-stick. A free-trader, who expresses openly his antipathy to anything in the shape of protection, was fortunately saved by a plank falling in a slanting direction over him; and a well-known participator in the late strike got a severe blow on both arms, which must keep the hands unemployed for a long period. The rival candidates are being looked for among the rubbish, and a man is at work with a spade, so that it may be supposed then situation is somewhat _infra dig._ at present. Both must have received a few plumpers, and the state of their respective polls must be rather unsatisfactory.

* * * * *

7. Hammersmith Suspension Bridge, 1825.

The bridge is hung in chain extremely neat,
The workmen's arduous task, 'tis true, is ended,
And uniformity is made complete,
For—like the bridge—the profits are suspended.

* * * * *

15. A Treaty concluded between the Danish and British governments,
relative to the passage of the Sound. The affair was managed by
means of Mr. Curtis's voice-conductor.

A POETICAL REPORT OF THE DOVER CROPPING CASE.

In Dover jail two actors were locked up to wait for bail:
They had committed a most grave offence 'gainst common sense;
For, out of empty boxes,
Pit, and galleries,
They hoped one of the cunningest of Foxes
Would pay their salaries.
But this was not to be;
And so, to settle matters in a crack,
They both resolved, if they fell short, that he,
At least, should have his whack.
The managers' exchequer, it was known,
Was one of those allowed by all to be
To cash related in the same degree
As blood to stone.
The two comedians demanded cash!
The manager, (his plan was rather rash),
Upon their absence of attraction,
His actors did begin to twit,
When it was proved to more than satisfaction
That two of them, at least, could make a hit.
"Stop," "stop!" exclaim'd the manager, enraged,
"Nor plant your weighty blows upon my nose;
You for the heavy business are not both engaged."
But now in Dover jail confined,
To pass the time while bail is coming,
They both for singing feel inclined,
And well-known tunes they set to humming;
But soon the jailor, passing by, prepares
To make them stop their singing,
And, as they wont, a pair of scissors bringing,
He comes, and straight cuts short their _(h)airs_.
"'Twas right, no doubt," said Justice Lout,
But Graham thought "quite t'other;"
And so the jailer bundled out,
Nor stopp'd to tell his mother.

INFANT EDUCATION.
BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY.

The grand aim of modern infant education is to make learning very attractive; to invest Lindley Murray with a magnetic power over the pupil's mind, and dress Dilworth in an adhesive plaster that shall cause all the little boys in the kingdom to stick to it. If Mavor's Spelling can be converted into a magic spell, there is a hope that the infant population may be charmed into an appreciation of _ba_, _be_, _bi_, _bo_, _bu_; and such will be the progress of education that we may have, before the expiration of a century, universities at which the wet nurse and the professor may be alike required to attend to the physical and intellectual wants of the infant students. A Bachelor of Arts will not only be entitled to the distinction of B.A., but may add the letters B.Y. to complete his description. It has already been suggested that philosophy should be taught by toys, and it will be easy to give a lecture on the laws of motion, illustrated by a game at marbles, or to explain the theory of equations by reference to the pleasing pastime of nine-pins.

The _Pons Asinorum_, that has puzzled many of our modern youth, will be much more easily overcome when a real donkey-ride is resorted to; and the difficult process of looking for the square root will be greatly facilitated by a spade, when the student finds himself sent forth to dig in the garden of science.

Already has the worthy Mr. Wilderspin introduced, in many places, the agreeable system of making fun of school; and if he would only consent to put his infant pupils into the fantastical caps and gowns which are worn at the universities, the joke would be still richer than it is at present. "To that complexion we shall come at last;" and if education is to be made game of, the sooner we go "the whole hog," the better.

The following is an extract from a report that is intended to illustrate the enormous success of the Wilderspin system:—

_Teacher._ What is this I hold in my hand?

_Children._ A piece of glass.

_Teacher._ What can you do with it?

_Children._ Scrape slate pencil.

_Teacher._ What else? what can your eyes do with it?

_Children._ Look at it.

BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY—In advance of the age.
]

_Teacher._ If you put it to your eye can you see through it?

_Children._ Not if you shut your eye.

_Teacher._ Can you break glass?

_Children._ We'll try (_one child breaks a window_).

_Teacher._ Then glass is brittle?

_Children._ Rather.

_Teacher._ Will the shutter break?

_Children._ We are not going to try that.

_Teacher._ (_Striking the shutter violently_). Now, what have I done?

_Children._ Made a great noise, and hurt your own knuckles.

_Teacher._ What is wax?

_Children._ A soft substance.

_Teacher._ Is there any other sort of wax that is not soft?

_Children._ Yes, the whacks you give us when we don't know our lessons.

_Teacher._ What does a cow give us?

_Children._ Nothing.

_Teacher._ Well, what does the milkman give us?

_Children._ He gives us nothing; we buy it.

_Teacher._ What do we buy from him?

_Children._ Milk and water.

_Teacher._ What's this?

_Children._ A frying-pan.

_Teacher._ What use does your mother make of it?

_Children._ She sometimes beats father about the head with it.

_Teacher._ Has your mother got a mangle?

_Children._ No, she's sold it.

_Teacher._ What colour is the orange?

_Children._ Orange colour.

_Teacher._ How large is this orange which I hold in my hand?

_Children._ As big again as a half.

_Teacher._ How long will oranges keep in this climate?

_Children._ Not a day, when you get hold of them.

_Teacher._ That will do; you may go home.

_Children._ Thankee, sir.

OCTOBER. [1843.

INDIAN RUBBER.

The Society for washing the physical blackamoor morally white, and altering the complexion of Indian society, has sent out 1000 copies of "Major A. on Short Whist," in the hope that a friendly rubber may do more towards rubbing off the rust of barbarism than any other hitherto-attempted experiment. It is thought by the Society in question that, as among Europeans those who are called blacklegs generally succeed best at cards, the niggers, who have the advantage of being black all over, may compete successfully with the most accomplished member of Crockford's. The reports on the subject are not yet very encouraging, for though there can be but one odd trick in the course of a single deal, the Indian disciples of Major A. perform a series of the very oddest tricks all through the game; and when their instructor endeavoured to make them understand, by signs, that clubs were led, they followed suit in good earnest, and began scoring away at a tremendous rate with their tomahawks. It is feared that the idea of teaching the blacks by the card must be discarded. The only game for which they show a natural inclination is cribbage, at which their hands are always excellent.

Among the observations and notes of the emissaries sent out by the Society, we find it recorded, as a curious fact in natural history, that, though perfectly black in the hand, the Indians have all the characteristics of the light-fingered population of this country.

It is thought impossible to wean the natives at once from the eccentric habit of scalping; but it has been ingeniously suggested that the propensity may be directed to proper objects, and it is in contemplation to put pots of porter before one of the tribes, when, if they proceed as usual to decapitation, leaving nothing but the headless beer, it will not at all signify.

STOPPAGE OF THE MILLS.

Indeed, I never saw the like,
Our minds with wonder it must fill,
Though mills ensue when people strike,
The strikes have stopp'd full many a mill.

29. Raleigh beheaded. You don't say so? raly!

The Height of Improvement—putting up the Shutters.
]

THE HEIGHT OF IMPROVEMENT.

Where will improvement stop?
Oh! why will tradesmen soar
Wildly from floor to floor,
Instead of sticking to the shop?
Glass
Never, till now, was brought to such a pass.

If Smith should pull his shop-front down,
Straightway at demolition's work goes neighbour Brown.
Some facts disclosed of late
Have opened people's eyes a little,
Showing that glass concerns are sometimes brittle,
And houses may be dished that put their strength in plate.

It would be well enough if all were fair,
And, like the windows, quite upon the square;
But 'tis not so,
Because we know
Appearances are seldom worth a pin;
Windows and doors immense
Are often a pretence
For letting people in.

Such large concerns
Have sometimes small returns;
And when into a scrape they fall,
The creditors look black,
And want their money back,
Or else their goods, of which there's no return at all.

'Tis wonderful, but true,
People are caught by the delusion;
'Tis odd that glass in such profusion
Is not at once seen through.
How vain to cut a temporary dash,
If, after all,
The windows fall,
With a tremendous smash;
But still they find a falling off in gains,
Who take less _panes_.

In walking down a London street,
Our gaze what strange announcements meet!
One would suppose,
From many a placard, when you've read it,
That bankruptcy were quite a credit:
And so it is for what one knows
"A Bankrupt's Stock!—look here!
The premises we needs must clear!"
And this is often true;
For clear the premises they do.

And when to carry all before them they're inclined,
They sometimes take good care there's nothing left behind
That assignees can take,
A dividend to make.
And when their books are brought
Before the Court,
Their ledgers to explain
Would puzzle one professing leger-demain.

If shop enlargement should proceed
Beyond its present height,
Some new invention we shall need
For shutting up at night.
The mania did begin
In building palaces for selling gin;
But the infection's regularly caught
By tradesmen now of every sort:
We soon shall see
Tripe from gilt columns hung,
Or sausages festooned and slung
From cornices of richest filigree;
Liver, illumined by the strongest lights,
Will tempt the passer-by at nights;
In mirrors, whose reflection
Is skilfully on all sides thrown.
For general inspection
Hap'orths of cats' meat will be shown.

But here we needs must stop,
Quite beaten in the race;
With the extravagances of the shop
Imagination can't keep pace!

THE RIGHT OF SEARCH.

Come, turn out your pockets, and empty your purse,
Produce your account-books, your income to show;
If embarrassed, exposure will make matters worse,
And perhaps 'twill be better the sooner you go.

On the margin of ruin suppose that you stand,
Oh say, man of trade, can it matter a pin
If prying commissioners lend you a hand,
To the gulf that's beneath you, to tumble you in!

Then out with your ledger; 'tis true that you owe
Unto the assessor himself some hard cash;
But perhaps, after all, it is right he should know,
And sell you up first, lest he lose by your smash.

With America lately we've had a great fuss,
About right of search, and the boundary line;
But at home, in exerting the right upon us,
To keep within bounds the assessors decline.

Then do not discourage a neighbour who'd pry;
For though for awhile his design you may baulk,
He'll be certain to know your concerns by-and-by,
For e'en the discreetest assessor _will_ talk.

Though you lose by your business, oh why should you care,
If the fact is presented to every one's view?
For if your account-books no profit declare,
Though it's nothing to others—it's _nothing to you_.

SOCIALISM.—"NEW HARMONY."

Oh, Socialism is a pretty thing
For bards to sing:
And Harmony's a title worth some guineas,
To take in ninnies;
And make them fancy that a place which revels
In such a name as "Harmony," must be
A spot where men like angels all agree,
Instead of quarrelling, as they do, like devils.
The harmony of such a place
Is thorough base!
They've everything in common, so they say;
Even not uncommon wives: perchance they may;
And, if the principle they carry through,
The babies may be sometimes common, too;
Making it puzzling, rather,
For some of them to find their father.
Of goods there is community,
Leading, of course, to unity;
If four-and-twenty Socialists require,
At the same time, the kitchen fire,
A chop to fry,
Who shall to any one the right deny?
For Owen says that every man,
In his community, shall use the frying-pan,
Just when and where, and how he may require.
So brotherly love
Permits him to shove
All who impede him, from (or into, perhaps) the fire
And then, how very strange
Their labour they exchange!
The cobbler who would like a dish
Of fish,
Goes to the fishmonger and heels a shoe,
Then carries off a sole or two.
The lawyer wants a coat—a decent fit;
To pay the tailor's bill
He need but make the tailor's will,
Or serve him with the copy of a writ.

NEW HARMONY—All Owin'—No payin'.
]

A comic singer wants a brilliant ring!
He takes it, and begins to sing
A comic song,
Proportionably long;
And when of stanzas there are _quantum suff._,
Of his own labour he's exchanged enough;
Thus, by a due exertion of his wits,
He with the jeweller may soon cry quits.
"'Tis true, 'tis pity; pity 'tis 'tis true,"
That when the Socialists their plans endeavour
To put in force, although successful never,
Yet, in one sense, they of it make "a do:"
Their landlord they would gladly pay,
If he, to take his rent,
In labour were content:
But as he wont do that, they run away.
It is a sect, I vow,
That's much run after now;
And Socialists are followed more
Than ever they had been before.
It's rather funny
That they who rail at cash as worst of human curses,
Should, out of other people's purses,
Take so much money.
Some think that honesty requires
All to their means should limit their desires;
But Socialism rather leans
To measuring its wants by other people's means.
Brotherly love may be all very well in its way,
But one would rather avoid its display,
When the warmth of affection
Is shown in a predilection
(To Socialists often known)
Of treating other folk's goods as their own.
But now we bid adieu to Mr. Owen,
Who very long the game had carried on;
Three times he set it—"going, going, going,"
And, like himself, knock'd down at last—'tis gone!

CHRISTMAS BEEF A LA MODE DE TARIFF.

"_Beef à la mode de Tariff_," well I ween
To such lean cattle very few will lean.
It really passes all belief,
No wonder foreigners a'n't fond of beef.
Poor beasts, 'tis very clear
To any one possess'd of gumption,
That if they'd not come over here,
They'd have been carried off by home consumption.
At Christmas time, such beef to eat,
None would consider _meet_.
Surely the duty upon cattle laid,
For them was most unjustly paid,
When the new tariff would have let them in,
As what they are—mere skin.
If better beef than this is to the French unknown,
It must be very clear,
When it comes over here,
That what to them is _bon_—to us is _bone_.

THE FLEET MERGED IN THE QUEEN'S BENCH.

Sure England's naval glory now is past,
No more can poets to it write their odes;
The Fleet is swamp'd—yes, it is merged at last,
Not in the Yarmouth, but the Borough Roads.

15. Izaak Walton died, 1683.

Death at the stream of life's a constant dangler,
And on this day for Walton was an angler.

THE MILITIA.

This fine old force is still upon a peace footing, and the Government has refused new regimentals to any of the men, who are nearly all grown too corpulent to wear their old ones. The coat of the colour-sergeant of the Lancashire Lights has been pieced in the back, and is now made to meet in front; and a false hem having been made to his regulation ducks, he is enabled, by the aid of very lengthy straps, to wear the uniform of the regiment. The band has dwindled to a solitary drum, and, as the War Office will not allow of any augmentation, the adjutant, who plays a little on the flute, takes a part on public occasions, when the staff is expected to attend muster.

There is now a field day once in six months, when the regiment, which consists of seven superannuated sergeants and one private, go through a sham fight; and on the last occasion they carried the pound by a _coup de main_, in spite of the beautiful manœuvring of the adjutant, who personated the garrison.

During the recent strike in the North the militia's instructions were to act as a reserve, and they followed the recommendation to the letter, for such was their modesty that they were not to be drawn out from their _dépôt_ on any pretext whatever. The thanks of the city were afterwards presented to the adjutant in a congreve box, and he received an autograph letter from the mayor, speaking strongly of the forbearance that the militia had exhibited.

PEACE ESTABLISHMENT
]

CHRONOLOGY FOR THE YEAR 1842.

JANUARY.

17th.—Prince Albert laid the first stone of the new Royal Exchange. Every one present greatly admired the manner of the Prince, and the stone itself was particularly struck by him.

25th.—A holiday at the Law Courts. Nothing doing, and nobody done.

31st.—The King of Prussia visited Newgate in the morning, and Drury Lane Theatre at night. His Majesty saw murderers at both places, and admired the new drop at each.

FEBRUARY.

3rd.—The Queen opened Parliament in person with a speech from the throne, showing her readiness at all time to put in her spoke for the common wheel.

20th.—The Corn Law Debate brought to a close. The duty of eight shillings a quarter objected to by a county member, on the ground that it would amount to thirty-two shillings a year.

MARCH.

11th.—Sir R. Peel made his financial statement, and declared his intention of increasing the duty on whisky; an announcement that had not the effect of raising Irish spirits.

16th.—The day fixed for the earthquake that was to have broken London into little bits. It, however, broke nothing but its appointment.

18th.—The Queen and Prince Albert having visited Drury Lane Theatre, the house was full, and the royal pair gave an audience to the manager.

APRIL.

4th.—The House of Commons resolved itself into a Committee of Ways and Means, when Sir R. Peel's ways of getting means were much objected to.

18th.—Discussion in the House of Lords on the New Corn Bill, when the Duke of Buckingham plainly intimated that the Premier deserved to be turned out, for having taken others in.

22nd.—A dispute between Mr. Lumley and Signor Mario, when the latter complained of hoarseness, and the former declared that _he also_ was taken by the throat.

MAY.

2nd.—Presentation of the Chartist's petition. Its weight made a deep impression on the floor of the House, but none at all on the members.

12th.—The Queen's Ball Masque. Several old ladies endeavoured to conceal their years by appearing in the costumes of the middle age.

21st.—Prince Albert sat for six hours as judge in the Stannaries Court, and performed the judicial office so well that two things were tried at once—the cause before him and his own patience.

23rd.—Execution of the murderer Good. A good riddance.

In the course of this month the Whigs charged the Tories with the greatest assurance in having taken up the former's policy.

JUNE.

3rd.—Continuance of the sugar duties moved by the Chancellor of the Exchequer. He contended that though the tax was little in separate pounds of moist it amounted to a great deal in the lump.

4th.—Proclamation issued on the subject of certain sovereigns discovered to be light. The new regulation not to affect India, where the natives princes are all of a dark complexion.

13th.—The Queen made her first trip by railway, and the Court expected to adopt the fashion of trains.

23rd.—A question put to Sir R. Peel on the subject of the Nelson Monument, the base of which had not been proceeded with for want of the capital.

Several attempts made to retard the public business by incessantly moving the adjournment of the House, and bring the Premier to a stand by perpetual motion.

JULY.

2nd.—A letter exploded at the Post-office—a proof of its being in a great hurry to go off.

3rd.—Attempt of the varlet Bean on the life of Her Majesty. It appeared that the little deformity was given to sentiment, and that the hump on his back weighed heavily on his mind.

7th.—Mr. Hume moved for a Return of the actual services of all flag officers, which was refused from a fear that many of them would turn out to be much below the standard. He was denied similar information respecting _general_ officers, since so many of them had not done anything _particular_, and had never been in any action except as defendants.

10th.—M. Claudet, the patentee of the Daguerreotype, undertook to do likenesses, on a _first_ attempt, in less than a _second_.