Chapter II: Part 2

There was a Servant-Maid in the House, whom I usually had for my Bed-fellow, and with her I was very free in all my discourse, acquainting her with all passages between me and my Sweethearts; and many pleasing discourses we had upon those occasions, and commonly we spent some hours every night when we were in Bed, in these Conferences: I asking her which of my Sweet-hearts was the best, and likliest to prove a good Husband; she and I both jumped in one mind, and she seemed to rejoyce at the good Fortune I was likely to enjoy, in having so handsome, and accomplish’d a Person, as he was with whom I was to be Married; saying, that of all men breathing, she never saw one whom, she thought, she could love better; and adding, that she would give all the money in her Pocket to have my place on the Wedding Night. Well, thought I, are you there? I’le be with you anon. Truly said she, I am a perfect Maid, not having yet had to do with any Man; and for deed, nay, for thought and word, untill this time, was a pure Virgin; but methinks, since I saw your Sweetheart, I have such pleasing imaginations, that I could willingly experiment the effects; but, continued she, I hope you will take all this in good part, and not be jealous of me, for I shall not in the least injure you, no, though your Sweet-heart should desire it; besides, my Quality and condition is so much beneath yours, that it would be but a folly to expect it: but shall wish you all happiness with your beloved Bridegroom. She having opened her mind thus freely to me, it was the thing I only aimed at, and above all things wish’d for; and therefore, that I might now stricke while the Iron was hot, I thus replyed; come, come, do not counterfeit more Modesty than needs, but tell me truely, and sincerely, if I can find a way to compass your desires; and be therewith content, and willing, will you obey me in what I shall desire of you? This is a strange proposition, said she, and I believe far from your heart to do, and only to try me farther; but I pray let us talk no more of this matter.

I quickly answered, that I was now in earnest, and would (if she would swear to me to be secret) discover a secret that was of the highest importance, and that then all things would be as she had wished; she wondring what I meant, and being desirous (as all women are inquisitive after secrets) to discover mine, soon made many protestations and vows, to be secret in what ever I should impart to her; and thereupon I told her, that indeed about twelve moneths since, being in my fathers house, a Gentleman of quality lodging there, and having divers times courted me; and I alwayes refusing to hear him; and being very obstinate, notwithstanding all his endeavours by Presents, and otherwise; he, I said being wholy impatient, and resolved to venture all for my enjoyment, took his opportunity, and came to bed to me; I feeling him near me, cry’d out but in vain, for my Lodging was at too great a distance from any bodyes hearing; and so in the end, notwithstanding my striving, and strugling, he had his will of me; and indeed, to tell you the truth, the danger of the brunt being over, and I well knowing that what was past could not be recalled, was, in the end, willing a second, or third time, to permit him the same enjoyment; and so he went away in the Morning well satisfied, and I better pleas’d than when he came to me. I was resolved to keep this from the knowledge of my Parents, and did so, though he offered me Marriage, which would have been advantageous enough for me, he being, as I said, a Person of Quality; but however, he continued his practice with me all the time of his stay at my Fathers, which was two Moneths; and then he departing, promised a sudden return, and that he would then discover himself to my Father, and request me in Marriage; I trusted to his fair words, and permitted his departure; but he had not been long absent ere I perceived my self to be with Child: I kept this from the knowledge of all, so long as I could; but in the end, my Mother suspecting me, charged me so roundly, that I confessed the Fact; she thereupon took the best remedy she could, and unknown to my Father, sent me away to a Friend of hers, where I lay in of a Child, which soon after dying, and I recovered, I again removed hither, where what hath befaln me you already know as well as I; and now, my dear Friend, said I, the case being thus, you may do me a great kindness, and please your self, as you say, by taking my place on the Wedding-night; and he lying with you in my stead may be deceived, and take me for a pure Virgin; whereas otherwise I am in much doubt to be discovered, in regard, that not only I have lost my Maidenhead, but have also lately had a Child.

My Bed-fellow gave diligent attendance to what I had related, and after I had satisfied her how she should behave her self in every respect, she consented to take my turn. My business being in this forwardness, I quickly consented to clap up the bargain with my Sweet-heart; and the Wedding-day being come, we were accordingly Married; and at Bed time I went to Bed with my Bride-groom, but feigning Modesty, commanded all to depart the Room; which they did, leaving one Candle burning; I seeing the Company gone, leap’d out of the Bed to put the Candle out; which I did, and then, according to appointment, the Maid, who was ready in her smock behind the Hangings, quickly got into the Bed, and enjoyed my place; I staid in the Chamber, and could well enough discover all passages between them, and how she made some faint resistance; but not long it was ere they fell a sleep, and slept so long, that I was at a very great stand what to do, lest day-light should come ere she should awake, and then be seen by my Husband, and I disgraced and lost for ever; I ruminated in my mind many wayes; at last I was resolved to proceed to violence, and hazard all, rather than lose my credit; and therefore seeing they still slept on, I went out of the Chamber into the next; where with the help of a Tinder-box, I struck a light; and getting a Torch, and lighting it, set fire on some part of the house, which soon encreased to a great flame; I then made no great difficulty to make a noise, and cry out fire, fire; this was soon seen, smelt, and heard by my drousie bedfellows, who both arose; and I being there, caught hold of him, as if I had lain with him; and his bedfellow being now a little come to her self, and seeing me, began to consider what she was to do; and ran where her cloaths were, put them on, and then came to help me to mine.

My Husband, and all the rest of the Family being thus raised, ran about for water to quench the fire; I being left alone with my Husbands Bed-fellow, could have found in my heart to have killed her with a Sword there in the Chamber: because she had been the occasion of all this mischief; and the thoughts of that, and remembring what hurt she might do me hereafter, in discovering my secrets or, at least, in being my Co-rival; these Considerations made me resolve to dispatch her into the other world; and there-fore desiring her to go down with me into the Yard to fetch water at the Well, she did so; where I spying my opportunity, in the absence of the rest of the Family, as she was stooping to draw Water, I turned her head forwards into the Well; where, before any came to help her, she was dead. I pretended to bewail her misfortunes; but the fire, by the asistance of some Neighbours, being now quench’d, we all retired into that part of the House that was unburn’d; where every one lamented, not only the misfortune of the fire, but that of the Maids death; in which I alone was principally concerned.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHAP. IV.

_She being at home with her Husband, is Courted by Gallants; one of
which Cuckolds him; She is out witted by her Gallant, and cheated of a
Gown, and three Rings; she is Courted by another Gallant, and they
study a Revenge on the first; which she executes, by appointing the
first to come to Bed to her; where her Husband, by her appointment,
was in her stead; who taking him in the manner, soundly whips him; in
the mean time she is in Bed with her new Gallant._

The next day after our unfortunate Wedding-night, all Persons concerned began to reckon up their losses; in which, neither I, nor my Husband suffered but little; for he had nothing there but the Clothes on his back, and I only had mine, and a Trunk of Clothes, and Linnen, which were safe. Our Land-lord lost some of his Goods, and an hundred pounds would not repair the damage the House had sustained by the fire; he therefore complained much of his losses: but his lamentations were not equal to those of an Old Woman, who lived in the Town, and was the Mother of the Unfortunate Maid, whom I had so treacherously, and ungratefully murthered: I was almost as joyful as she was sad, that I was rid of so dangerous a Corrival, whom I had entrusted with my greatest secrets.

The disorders of this House caused us to quit it sooner than we intended; for that very day we removed to my Husbands Habitation, which was not above four Miles distant, and there we Lodged, where that night I received those imbraces from my Husband which were very pleasing to me, and then all things were as well fixed as I could desire; only my Mothers coming was every day expected, I having given her notice of my Transactions by Letters: She came in few dayes, and that not empty-handed; for she brought an hundred pounds in ready money with her: this, she told her new son-in-law, was but part of a greater Sum, my Father and she intended for my Portion; although my Husband expected five hundred pounds with me (I having given out that I should have so much) yet he was content with this for the present; and this money was part of what was left me of my first Husbands. During the stay of my Mother, we kept open House; and giving up our selves to all manner of mirth, I found my Husband to be but an easie Coxcomb, and one whom I thought I should out-wit, and over-rule; he was much inclined to gameing; and, as the fortune of the Dice went, he sometimes won, and lost again as often; at which he would be somewhat waspish and griping: and what he lost by gameing, he would get up again out of large Reckoning, and tricks he would put upon his Guests, who now were more in number than formerly; for it being given out, that he was Married, and that to one that was handsom, all the Countrey came in upon us; especially all the roaring Lads, who spent highest, came all to see, and present their service to their Land-lady; and as a Citizens shop is never so well furnished, as when a handsome Wife is placed in a varnisht seat; even so is an Inn-keepers Barr; and doth draw in Customers, all in hopes to have a lick at her honey pot; and although a Woman be never so chaste, and the Guests finde it so, yet if she be but handsome, her company is still desired; but you know my temper so well, that you may guess I should not hold out a seven years siege, if I were but once bravely assaulted; but withall, I resolved to be as cunning as all my Observations had taught me, and not be like a Glove for every ones drawing on. If I had any Servants, I resolved they should be of the best; and those I counted so, who wore most money in their Pockets, I had my choice of several of that kind; and though I still counterfeited a great Modesty yet I was treated, and regalia’d both at home and abroad; there was no sport, or divertisements, but I made one of the Company; no fair near our Town but I visited, being conducted thither by one Gallant or other: where I had several Fairing presented me. I had my Husbands consent to all my actions, for I still acquainted him with all; and when I was carried to any place, I told him every particular, and caused him to meet me at the place and time appointed; without which I pretended a mighty unwillingness; and this I did, that he might put the greater confidence in me.

This trade I did drive for a long time, without joyning issue with any of my Gallants, and they gained no more upon me than a kiss, or a languishing look, which I sometimes cast upon them to cause them to believe that in time they might arrive to the height of their desires; and for these my kind looks I was as kindly rewarded; they presenting me with Gloves, Scarffs, Hoods, Rings and Cabinets, and such like Womanish toyes, and all in hopes that they might toy with me, as in fine they did: I had several of these Gamesters, but one above all the rest was most in my favour, he having been the most prodigal in expences upon me; I gave him full freedome with me, and I cornuted this as well as I had done my other Husband; he spent much of his time in gaming, and was very earnest at it with his Guests: and while he was at his game, I and my Gallant were at ours. My friend for his greater pretence of freedom in our house, would humour my Husband, and Game with him, and lose his money; for indeed my Husband was at that sport the better Gamester, although my friend pleased me better at the other; by these extravagancies of his, and his losses at Gameing, he in time came to a low ebb of money in his pocket, and was necessitated to withdraw, and lessen his expences; so that he was not so welcome to me or my Husband as he had been: for I was of the Old Womans Opinion, _No longer Pipe, no longer Dance_: as he avoided expences I shunn’d his Company; and having Friends enough who desired to be my Customers, I endeavoured to be rid of him. He still continued his wonted freedome, and desiring my Company abroad; and so confident he was grown, that he would ask my husbands leave, who had not yet refused him; and therefore a Comedy being to be acted at a Town not far off, he gained my company to go with him; I had other company that I liked better than his, but I could not shift him off, although I very much endeavoured it.

The Play being done, he desired to treat me privately, which I accepted of, having a design to manage that was newly come in my head, and which was this: I had seen a Gentlewoman at the Play, who had a new silk Gown, of a pretty colour and fashion, I was resolved to beg such another of him, and in case of refusal, to break with him totally: I therefore took my opportunity, and when he desired his wonted freedom with me, I told him he was mistaken, and I absolutely refused, and forbid him turning up any more Coats then he was willing to pay for: he asked what I meant by my discourse and refusal: I told him unless he would give me such a new Gown as I prescribed to him, he should have no more to do with me: my Gentleman was as blank as a Bell founder, and his courage was somewhat cooled at my demands; so that he soon arose, and walked up and down in a musing posture; at length he spake, and made some excuses and pauses: but I being resolved on the question, told him, that he had forborn his Pension a great while, and therefore I was resolved he should be the more liberal, and that I would to try his love by performing that request; if he would not grant my desires, I would also refuse him his; but if he would give me such a Gown, he should still oblidge me, and have the first taking of it up. Come, come, said he, you and I will not fall out for such a matter as that, and you shall have it, or any thing else that is in my power, or indeed that you can wish for; and within these three dayes I will send it you, on condition that I may have a full nights lodging with you, well, replyed I, be you so good as your word, and I will order the matter so, as you shall have your desire: and thus we having clapt up a bargain, concluded the discourse with two or three kisses; and so after a considerable repast, we returned home, and there we parted; he to contrive how to be so good as his word, and I to order my Husbands absence, that we might lye together, as I had promised.

My Gallant examining the matter, found that at present the strength of his Pocket would not be sufficient to accomplish his desire, and therefore he supplyed that defect by the strength of wit; he visited the Gentlewoman who was owner of the Gown, and being of her acquaintance, he requested her to let him have her Gown to shew a Taylor to make such another by for a Sister of his; his desires being modest were the sooner granted; and a Taylor of his acquaintance receiv’d it of her, and immediately at his commands brought it to me, I accepted it with a smileing countenance, and giving him a small piece of Money for his pains, dismiss’d him; when soon after my friend likewise followed; and my Husband being absent, we concluded that night to devote our selves holy to _Venus_; and he being us’d to lye at our house, it was no great difficulty for him to quit his bed and come to mine, where we spent all that night in all those amorous enjoyments that we could devise: but he thinking he had paid dear for his nights pleasure, was resolved to have something more into the bargain; and that he might engage me another time, if I fell out with him, as he foresaw I would; wherefore he taking his opportunity when I was asleep, slipt no less then three of my Rings off from my fingers, and put them on his; and early in the morning he left me and my Bed, and went into his own: and having before contrived now to play his Cards, he went to the Taylor, and advised him to come to me, and tell me he had forgot to finish somewhat that was very necessary, and had been omitted to be done in the Gown, and therefore he was come to fetch it, that it might be mended, and he might have no disgrace by his work; I being without all suspition, and seeing indeed there were some defects, which he shewed me, delivered it to him, desireing him to make haste with it, because I intended to have it home before my Husbands return, and then to tell him that my Father had sent it me; but I reckond before my Host; for although I waited two or three dayes, and sent to the Taylor, and asked my false friend, yet I could have none, but idle excuses and flashes; so that in conclusion I found my self cheated; for as I understood afterwards, the Gown was presently sent home to the right owner; whom I saw wear it the next sunday; and then knew it, by some particular marks to be the same. This passage vexed me to the heart; but I was three times more angry when I missed my Rings, and upon examination found that he had beguil’d me of them; and indeed for further confirmation, I saw them upon his fingers; this (said she) extreemly perplexed and inraged me; so that then I converted all my love into (its contrary) hatred, and studyed nothing so much, as how to compass revenge. He finding that I was angred, refrained my Company at present, and that gave opportunity to another, who had long time courted me at a distance, to lay a closer siege to me; and he so far prevailed with me, what with gifts, treats and presents, that I promised him that in short time he should reap the fruits of his desired Harvest; but I was resolved to make him instrumental in my revenge upon my abuser; and to that end I thus broke the matter to him.

Sir, your friendship and love I very much esteem; and believing you to be sincere, and one in whose breast I may repose trust and confidence; I shall discover somewhat to you, that may for the future be of good consequence to us both; and it is this: I believe you have not been so dim sighted, but you have observed more than common familiarity between me and Mr. such a one, naming my abusive Lover; some presents he hath given me, for which he expected more freedome with me than I was willing to impart; but I still kept him at a distance, although he pressed hard upon me to enjoyment; which I not thinking fit at present to permit, he began to clamour, at length through his importunities, I consented he should lye with me at such a time, on condition he gave me such a silk Gown as I named; to this he agreed, and sent in the Gown accordingly: now it so fell out, that I could not perform what he expected, and therefore delay’d him for a few dayes longer, till my Husband should be absent, promising then to keep touch with him; but whether he not believing me, or else the necessity of returning the Gown, which he had but borrowed, as I since found; one or both these reasons induced him to be false to me, and by a while he got the Gown out of my hands; and he was not content with doing that only, but he also intending to abuse me further, when we were toying together, cheated me of three of my rings; which he as a Trophy of his Victory, and my weakness and shame, still wears on his fingers; and I fear he is so prodigal and lavish of his tongue, as to bray to his acquaintance, that he had those as my gifts for unhandsome service done me.

Thus did I disguise the truth of my dealings with my abusive Lover, and having given my new one this account, desiring his assistance in a revenge: to this he quickly answered, that as for the Gown I had been so out-witted in, he would make up that loss, by giving me another; and so he would also for the rings, if I pleased; or else compel my abusive lover to deliver them; and in all things else he would vindicate my credit. I replyed to him, that I would not have any compulsion, for that would make too much noise; but rather have his assistance in my revenge, which I had thus contrived.

I would have him possess my Husband with jealousie against my abusive Lover, and leave the rest to my ordring, which I managed thus: I gave my abusive Friend more freedom, & shewed a kinder Countenance than I had done of late, & that only to draw him on, which I did with much ease, for he had a great desire to be friends with me, and upon our first convenient parley, he confessed himself guilty, & made some trivial excuses, which I admitted of, as I did his love, in hopes to gain my rings, and a revenge; as for the rings, he presently returned me one, and promised the other two the third night following, when I agreed to lye with him, promising so to order the matter, that my Husband should be then out of the house; we after this parley parted, and my new friend had so dealt with my Husband, in discovering my abusive Friends freeness and privacy with me, that he now became absolutely jealous, and intended to make me sensible of his anger; but I knowing where the shooe wrung him, was before hand, and the next night told him, that if he did not take some speedy course, I was in danger, and he too, to be abused by my abusive Lover; for said I, he hath gotten two of my rings, and shews them abroad, reporting he had them of me, as tokens of my dishonour; and to me he will not deliver them, unless I will promise him a nights lodging: now said I, if you have a mind to save my honour, your own, and revenge us both on him, I will thus do; I will seemingly consent that he shall come to bed to me to morrow night, and to that end, I will have you pretend to go out of Town; but instead of your going, I will go to such a friends house, and there I’le stay; you shall lye in my Bed, and at the hour I will appoint him he will come to bed to you, when you and your friends, and servants, I hope taking him in the manner, will so handle him, as he shall have little cause to boast of his nights lodging; and you and I shall be sufficiently revenged on him for thus attempting my Chastity.

To all this discourse my Husband gave very good attention; and it corresponding with what he suspected, he now wholly quitted any suspitious thoughts of me, and agreed to execute all I had propounded; so that when the time came, my Husband pretended to lye out, took his leave of me, and my abusive Friend, who was glad of his absence: I made haste with him to bed, telling him about ten a Clock he might come safely into my Chamber, and bed which he knew well enough, not to mistake the way. I then left him, and taking horse, went to my new friend, who expected me at our appointed Rendevouz, where he presented me with the desired Gown, and I according to my promise, gave him a nights lodging with me, which was much more pleasant to us both, than was that of my abusive Friend; who at the hour appointed, went to my Chamber, and into the Bed where my husband was expecting him; he believing it was I, began his embraces, and other actions, declaring his intent; with that my husband leap’d out of the Bed, and four good Old Women of my Friends, who were hid under the bed, discovered themselves, and having a dark Lanthorn, lighted the Room, and fell to work: first, they tyed his hands and feet to the posts of the Beds Head and feet; and then each being provided with a good handful of Birch laid on lustily, till he roar’d sufficiently; my Husband making offer to geld him: but when it came to that point, he begg’d so heartily, that my Husband consented to his desire, only he paid the two rings he had of mine, as ransome for his Jewels.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHAP. V.

_Her abused and whipt Lover vows revenge, which is done in part;
afterwards he is kill’d, yet kills his Corrival: the manner how, with
other things very remarkable._

Never did the Canicular dayes infuse into Dogs a greater madness and fury, than did this whipping in Loves School inrage the minde of our sufficiently jerkt Amorist; which for the present (whilst under his Chirurgions hands) he durst not express; for all that he could do, was to supplicate them not to deprive him of what would make him stand as a Neuter between the Sexes of humane Generation; which they granted him.

With much hazard, and greater fear, escaping their hands, only in his shirt, without shooe or stocking, he got out into the streets; and being overjoy’d that he was secure, but had the black mantle of night to conceal his shame, and convey him home, without the knowledge of the Town inhabitants, ran through the streets with all speed imaginable; but, by the way, meeting with a sharp stone, it so hurt his foot, that he was compell’d to slacken his pace, and lamely limp to his lodging. The Clock had then struck twelve (an hour wherein supposed Bugg-bears walk, to frighten Children) as he could see just before him two women, whom a third had raised from their warm beds by her incessant cries, proceeding from the intollerable pains she then indured, being ready to be delivered, to hasten to call up a fourth, _viz._ a Midwife. Haste on both sides had made them so carelesly heedless in their way, that they were within a spit and a stride of each other, before they could discern one the other. My cheating, and cheated Leacher perceived the women first, which put him to a stand, what he were best to do, either to go forward, or backward; they, on the other side, seeing a thing all in white stand opposit in their way, judged it to be the troubled spirit of the lately diseased Husband of this woman they were going to fetch the Midwife for. He, on the other hand, resolved to go forward; and they seeing him approach them (skreeking out) ran back as fast as they could; who being stopt by the watch, and demanded why they made that hideous outcry, made answer, they had met the Devil, or some thing like him. Condemning the womens idle and causless fears (as they judged) they advanced forwards, armed with Bills, Halberts, but principally with an unparallell’d resolution. My Gallant had stept into a by-corner, when the woman cried out to secure himself from what might ensue that unexpected allarum, fully resolved to run home to his lodging directly, with what speed he might; he started out just as the Watch were advanc’d within half Pistol-shot of him; the sudden surprize confirmed them in the womens report, so that, without consideration there was not one of these desperate Kill-Devils to be seen, but such as with a too precipitate haste, lay tumbling in the Kennel, one over the other. This accident gave new wings to my Lovers feet, which were so benumm’d with cold, that he very much stood in need of such _Icarian_ practices, _Dædalian_ inventions.

In conclusion, with much knocking, he made a shift to get in. His Landlady (who was a Widow) seeing him in this condition, charg’d him home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lose his skin? Whether he had been robb’d? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore replied, That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into that damn’d itch, that tickling humour of playing; that having won something, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, but seizing him, stript him, and would have done, I know not what, had not his flight procured his safety.

His loving Landlady believing that he was thus really abused, conducts him to her own warm bed, and like a kind friend would not let him lie alone, for fear of catching cold. But his Breech was so sore, he could not lie on his back; and so troubled were his thoughts, he had no mind to lie upon his belly. His Landlady finding him so backward, imagined the cause to proceed from his being too forward abroad with others, and gathered by too many apparent symptoms, that she was much deceived in his pretended continencie at home; and being hartily vext to be thus disappointed of her expectations, she leapt out of bed, telling him angrily, she had more lodgings and Lodgers in her house, and would not be beholden to him for either; and had she known so much before she did let him in, as she hath done since, she would have tried how the cooling Julip of standing in the street all night in his shirt, would have wrought with his feaverish concupiscence.

Netled he was to the purpose to hear his Landlady (who had ever since their first acquaintance born him a more than common kindness and respect) thus taunt at him; but his thoughts were so absolutely taken up with a subject of another nature, that he returned her not one word; which so exasperated her spirits, not to be replyed unto; that laying aside discretion, with her modesty, she was resolved to ring him a peal in the _ear-ratling-Rhetorick_ of _Billingsgate_. How now, (said she) is it not enough that my Servants, from time to time, have sate up late, or rather early, but that I must be disturb’d from my rest, to give repose to a restless _Stallion_? Shall my roof prove the _Protector_ to such _Caterwawling Night-walkers_? Is it not enough, that I have furnished you continually with money, but you must ungratefully make that the _Common-procurer_ of your private Veneries abroad, and those gawdy Clothes I gave you must be the _Gentleman Usher_ that must lead you to them? Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was; when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her, rather than gently desired her to go to bed; begging that she would not trouble him after that manner, charging her with incivility, for disturbing him from his rest.

The Gentleman, that came down the stairs, hearing this; and judging she had prostituted those kindnesses to one that scornfully refused them, which he had so frequently sollicited her for partly for pleasure, but principally for profit, had not the patience to check her for it in any other place, than these down-right; outragiously bellowing forth, Am not I the oldest Guest in your house, and not a penny in your Debt? Have not I pamper’d you at home, and Coacht you abroad, till I have not had a wheel in my pocket for your extravagant delights to move further on; and have afterwards stab’d my Credit, that you might deliciously feed, and satiate your self on the blood of the grape: then (when few refuse to give themselves satisfaction) I have attempted to enjoy what you now prostitute; but you kept me at that distance, I knew not whether your breath stunk or not. Nay, I have made use of Critical minutes to purchase my desire, more especially then, when I could see by the flaming of your eyes, what conspiracies wine and wanton discourse had formed within you, to fire the Fortress of the most resolved Chastity. And shall you now be bid to go to bed? be begg’d to retire from your satiated Lovers embraces? how can you stand thus impudently in your smock in a mans Chamber, and yet commanded to be gone? Come, you forget your self; your _dark-Lanthorn delights_ have dazzled the sight of your Reason; and let this (kicking her with his foot) light you to your own Chamber; and withal laying hold on her, would have forcibly thrust her out; which rude carriage of his made her cry out aloud, fearing some further mischief.

This out-cry so startled my Gentleman in bed, that not enduring to hear his Land-lady so grosly abused, got up, and closing with him, threw him; and having no other weapons, but their fists, pounded one another to some purpose. The Woman fearing what mischief might ensue, put her head out at the window, and cryed Murder as loud as she could bawl; the Watch (hearing murder cryed out) came running to the house with all speed (not dreaming they should see again that Spirit which had so lately frighted them) and perceiving a great bustle in the house, and the same horrid noise continuing, they broke open the doors, and entring, found two men scuffling in their shirts, having blooded one the other sufficiently (this bleeding excused very well the other blood that came from the firked-back and breech of my Gallant) I say, finding them in this bloody condition, they doubted they had injured one another with some sharp instrument; they needed not to search farther than their hands, having neither of them more cloathes to conceal anything than what modesty commanded. Notwithstanding they were parted by the Watch, yet they could not hold their hands off one another; which caused the Watch to interpose again, and now they resolved to secure them that night (from further mischieving one the other) at the Watch-houses, and so commanded them to put on their Cloaths; which the one quickly did, but the other could not. It would have been worth all my revenge to have seen in what confusion he stood, at that word of command, or to have known what the watch-men thought when they saw their Prisoner could finde no Cloaths.

Though their wonder was great, yet they resolved to have their curiosity resolved; and therefore askt him, where were his cloaths, and how he come, or how he could be without them? by the way, surely there was not much wit in that Constable and his Watch: for had they had any, they might presently have concluded (from the posture they found those Gentlemen in) that they were a couple of mendicant Poets, who had but one suit of apparrel between them, that when the one went abroad, a wheedling, the other was forc’d to lye a bed a staring; and disputing who should next scout abroad to find out the Enemies of famine, and not agreeing upon the point, fell together by the ears. But to return where I left of, the Constable having interrogated him as aforesaid, he (endeavouring to excuse himself, and palliate the scuruy usage of his revengeful Mistriss) answered him, that walking that after noon, it was his mischance, by a push of that Gentleman they found him fighting with, to fall into a _Common-house_, (Pox on his witty allusion) and that having no suit than that, he intended to have lain in bed till it had been cleansed and dried. That the Gentleman aforesaid would not let him rest, but came into his Chamber, and with scoffing and irritating expressions, provok’d him to rise, and endeavour to be rid of his trouble.

The other told the Constable, that what was said was a greater lye than the Devil could invent; that the cause of the Quarrel was his endeavouring to hinder his Leachery that night, by preventing his Landlady from going to bed to him. The Woman hearing this, replyed, they were both of them a couple of confounded lyars, and (that she might make one of the number) told them; that they intended to have ravisht her, and that the one breaking up her Chamber-door, the other followed, and fell together by the ears, who should be the first Actor in their damn’d design: to prevent which, she was compell’d to cry out Murther, upon which they withdrew out of her Chamber, and went into one of their own, where (said she) you find them like a couple of malicious dogs, fighting for that morsel neither of the Curs is ever likely to taste of.

This Forgery was more semblable to probability in the Constables opinion, than any thing else he had heard. Wherefore not to spend further time in examination, he charged his Watchmen with my two Gentlemen, and so inconsiderately rash he was, that he vow’d they should go with him; and had carried them in that very condition, had not the Woman of the house interceeded, that she might cloath his nakedness as well as she could for the present; hereupon she furnished him with a Peticoat of her own, having no other Cloathes that would fit him: instead of a cloak, she helpt him to a red Rugg; and to crown all, she clapt upon his head her straw-hat. Had it been day-light, it would have been worth twelve pence a piece to have seen this _Slavonian_, whose garb, for strangeness, the barbarous World might admire, but never imitate. I do not hear that he over-slept himself that night; nor can I believe that the morning gave his eyes no great satisfaction, in viewing the preposterousness of his habit; and his Twinklers lookt, as I am inform’d, as if they had been imployed in nothing all that night, but on looking on the phantasms of some of his dead and damn’d acquaintance.

I slept but little my self, that night, partly, by thinking how this revengful plot of mine would take effect, but chiefly, by reason of my unsatisfied Bed-fellow, who kept me waking, in spight of my teeth. However I arose early, and being but a little way distant, soon got home; where arrived, I understood from my husband, that my Rings were restored, that he had left me his Breeches, as owning me his Master; and so he might well acknowledge, for he was never so whipt for being a naughty Boy, as I caused him to be; and well he escap’d so, having like to have left behind him a most pretious remedy against several female distempers; a _Recipe_, as infallible against all manner of obstructions, as ever was applyed to any _Chalk_, or _Oatmeal Eater_, since _Eve_ lay in with _Cain_ in her first _Child bed_. Immediately after I heard of the rest of that Knights incomparable Adventures, and how he was secured; and had a particular account of the pleasant dress he was in: never did any thing tickle me more, than the Relation, how amply and fully I was, revenged of him; yet I could not but entertain a thought that might incline to pity him; but it would extend no further then than to send him his Cloathes, and withall a Letter, to give my self the plenary satisfaction of laughing at him; and those sufferings he underwent by my procurement; the words and sense were to this purpose.

The Letter.

Sir,

_I am much troubled that one of your age and experiance should prove so meer a_ Novice _in_ Loves-School, _as to be guilty of an amorous_ erratum, _that should deserve the lash: I see now you are a meer_ Baby _in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better understanding. What, trust that Woman whom you have abused! Why, a Child of the_ first head, _in the_ nonage _of Amorous matters, in the_ Hanging sleeves _of Courtship, knew this as a_ Maxime--_that if Love, though never so fervent, be once by abuse converted into hatred, the woman is indefatigable in her revenge, till_ Death _hath put an end to the Controversie. Henceforth be better advised from me, how you behave your self before your little_ Sparkling Goddesses _(as wantonly you are pleased to call them;) if you will preserve your good esteem and be dayly cherisht with their Soul-winning and ravishing Smiles, you must not be relax in your offerings; but if by slighting, cozenage, &c. you instigate their incest_ Deities _to revenge, nothing but an absence, as distant as the two Poles, shall protect you from their subtle and speedy revenge. And now, thank me Sir, that mine hath fallen so slightly on your Shoulders, having given a stript Simmar, for the Gown I should have had: I am sorry though, I had not secured you_ witnesses of manhood, _that they might have been_ Testimonies _continually by me, to assure my self you will not for the future abuse my love, by fondly affecting an other. Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent_ Embassadour _from the_ Northern Witches _to their_ Emperor _the_ Devil, _I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being amorous, when pennyless._

Your abused, in part
revenged, _&c._

I commanded the Messenger to observe his carriage in reading the Letter; who told me, all the mad-men in the World, put them altogether, could not in their most extravagant gestures, have exprest madness so to the life as he did. However, he was not so mad, but that he did put on his Cloaths, which upon old acquaintance so complyed, as to fit him to a hair. Soon after he was discharged; and now invoking the Devil to be of his Cabinet Council, he walkt into a solitary place, that he might hatch mischief, that is, be revenged on me, my Husband, or any else that he supposed might be his rivals. He was quickly furnished with a mischievous design, agreeable to his desire; and how could he otherwise, for there are millions of hellish imps of the worser sort, who continually attend the motions of the malitious and revengeful, to execute the commands of such who care not how they precipitate others and themselves into ruine and destruction.

This stratagem he contrived, by the help of a little credit he had yet surviving, he puts himself into a new riding garb, mounted with sword and pistol; having gotten a Perriwig of a colour clean contrary to what he usually wore; having for the better carrying on his Plot, procured a false beard, with a black patch on one of his eyes; in this disguise, the most discerning eye of his most intimate, and familiar friends and acquaintance, could not have discovered him who he was. In this equipage he rides out of town, some half-score miles, only to dirty his horse and boots; and leaves a Letter with a Friend to be delivered to my own hands, in these terms.

The Answer to the former Letter.

Madam,

_Or rather Mad-dame, for she that is madder that you was begotten in_ Monte Gibello, _where troubling the Sulphurous wombe of that burning Mountain, was belcht into the World, and carried on the back of a whirlwind, to disturb the inhabitants thereof. Think not I will trouble my self to answer particularly every flouting invective, the which your letter is stuft withal, but shall tell you in general, you are too dangerously wicked for my acquaintance; and he that intends to contract a friendship with_ Hell, _must first shake hands with you; your eyes will be his light, to guide him; your cheeks, and breasts, are his highway; and your mouth the gate or entrance thereinto. I do not intend to buy repentance at so dear a rate, as ever to see you again; therefore your threats were needless. I am not yet fallen in love with my winding-sheet, that I should court Death, or hug a Contagion. My sense of smelling is indifferently well recovered of its late distemper, and can now distinguish the scent of sound Bodies from putrifaction. My eyes too have regained their sight, and can plainly see the she-devil in you, maugre all the paint, and_ fucus, _that is on that daub’d face of thine. Prithee name me not at any time, lest thy breath for ever poyson my memory; and to that intent, forget that ever I had a being; and so wishing thou never hadst one, I take my eternal farewell of thee,_ &c.

This Letter he sent me, to the intent I might believe he was so far from revenging himself on me, that he never intended to see me more; by which means he facilitated his purpose. In prosecution thereof; late in the evening he came to Town, and directed his course to our house; upon his alighting, he seemed much tyred, which we verily believed, his horse being all of a foam; and desiring his Chamber might be shewn him, it was done accordingly; and order being taken for a Sack-posset, he supt it up, and laid his head to rest; he lay abed somewhat long the next day, pretending indisposition by reason of his long journey, but getting up; he seemed somewhat pleasant, calling for a pint of Sack for his and his Land-ladyes Mornings draught, assuring me, that as a stranger he would not be indebted for any civilities he should receive in my house. I on the other side, seeing him so forward to part from his money, gave him a considerable lift by my usual way of spunging. Dinner time approaching I askt him what he would have; who ordered me to provide variety of what was in season; not imagining that Table, on which this meat should stand, should so soon prove the Stage on which a bloody Tragedy must be acted. A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend (that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other, than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake; I returning him thanks, in an instant he whipt off with his knife, my Husbands ear, and laid it hastily on my Trencher; and turning his head quick about, be not angry, Sir, (said he) you shall have bitt for bitt; and thereupon endeavoured to cut off my nose, but I was to nimble for him, and by running out escap’d the danger; my Friend observing what had past, being too suddenly done to be prevented, stept from the Table, and drawing, bid the Rogue disguised draw too, or he would pin him to the wall, for this matchless piece of villany; whereupon he did, but behaved himself so ill, that my friend wounded him desperately in the body at the first pass; concluding he had received his Mortal wound, he resolved not to die alone, wherefore he made a full pass, and so running upon his Adversaries point, each dyed at once by the swords of one another. I soon returned with a long train of _Mirmidons_, whom I had instructed how to chastise this insolence; but Lord! what a confusion was I in, when I saw the two combatants lye dead on the floor, and my Husband gazing on them motionless, like one converted into a Statue for the loss of his ear; which he should have lost, by right, long before that time.

Some more busie then the rest, stirring their bodies, the false beard of the disguised fell off, by which he was presently known who he was; and because it was every where known through the town, how this Gentleman had spent what he had on me, and was abused for his pains; I was immediatly cryed out upon, as the Authoress of all this mischief, I endeavoured to excuse my self, by relating what he had done; _viz._ the cutting my Husbands Ear off and the endeavouring to cut off my Nose; but this allegation signified little. Searching his pockets, they found a note, or letter, sealed, & seeing it was directed to me, they then, without my consent, break it open, imagining they should find therein the mystery of this tragical encounter but all they could discover was only his intention of cutting off my Nose, and my Husbands Ear: the Lines were these which follow.