Chapter V: Part 5

There came three men, who although they were neighbours, and famous for eating, yet mine Host not knowing them, they thus over-reach’d him: they came to sup, and lye there that night, and therefore went into the Kitchin to see what was for Supper. There was Capons, Pidgeons, and Sparagus: Very good meat, said they: Now, mine Host, what shall we give you a peice for our supper of these three sorts of victuals? He asked, how much they would have drest: they asked him the same question, How much he would dress: Why, said he, I will dress three Capons, three dozen of Pidgeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus. Very good, said they: but if this be not enough, we expect to have more. That you shall, said he; but you shall sup first, and I hope there will be enough for my self and family, when you have done. For that, you must adventure it, said they; Well now, your price? Said mine Host, I will have three _shillings_ four _pence_ a piece, that is, ten _shillings_ in all. Content, said they; Make haste that we may drink afterwards. Thus was the Bargain made up, and the Fowls laid down to the fire. In the mean time the three Travellors fetched a walk, to get them (as they said) a stomack to their Supper; which in convenient time being ready, and they returned, they thus began; each of the three took, each of them, a Capon whole on their trenchers; and cutting them into pieces, they made one mouthful of each wing, another of each leg; and scraping all the meat from the Carcass, into two or three mouth-fuls, the Capons were invisible; then they drank each his cup of Claret, to whet their appetites; that being done, they fell to the Pidgeons, and cutting each Pidgeon into four quarters, they eat them, bones and all, at four bits; and then they drank again, and fell to the Sparagus, which was in short time bestowed where the rest of the victuals was; mine Host seeing them so quick at their work, stared at them, and they calling for another glass of wine drank to him, and told him, that he must provide more victuals, or lose his wager, he being angry at both their propositions, at length thought it was better to let them have more meat, than not to be paid for what they had, and be laughed at into the Bargain; wherefore he replyed, they should have enough; and calling for the Cook-maid, commanded her to dress the same quantity of victuals; she staring on the Guests, they bad her go down, and make haste for they wanted their supper: down she went, and did accordingly; and whilst supper was dressing, they walked and smoak’d, in their Chamber. In time the other course, consisting of three Capons, three dozen of Pigeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus was brought up, and in as little time as before it was eaten up, as the former had been to the great cost, loss, and confusion of mine Host; who stared now worse than he had done; but however he again asked them, if they would have any more; to this they readily replyed, _Yes_. He again called, and the Cook maid being come up, was commanded to dress the same quantity again, and that quickly: She replyed, she could not, for all the Fowl that was killed, was eaten; and it would be a great while, ere she could kill, pull and dress the like quantity; besides, there was no more Sparagus then to be had; they told mine Host they must have their bargain, or he lose his wager: he replyed, if he could not furnish them with that, yet they might have of any other sort of victuals: they said, they would have that, or none, or else a third way, come to composition, to this mine Host gave ear, and asked what composition: they told him, that indeed though they could give a dispatch to more victuals, yet they would for once forbear further eating, and exchange their victuals for drink: so they reckoned what their other mess of victuals might come to, which being computed to ten shillings, they desired ten shillings worth of wine. Mine Host shook his head at this and said, they did him too hard, which they confessing, and a little further discoursing on, it was agreed that they should have each of them a quart of _Canary_, in full satisfaction of the wager: this they had, this they drank off, and so went to bed, where they slept more soundly then mine Host, who with all his Family went supperless to bed; and he was extreamly vex’d, that he should be out-witted and over-reached by three Bumpkins; but what could not be cured must be endured; it was but a folly to complain, self do, self have, and now he remember’d the wager between the Cook-maid and Country-man, and had no cause to laugh at her anymore. Night being spent, part in sleep, and part in these cogitations, he arose, and so did his guests, who honestly paid their shot, though not half so much as their reckoning came to; and at departure they told him, that if ever he had occasion for an eating wager, if he would send for any of them, they would do their weak endeavours to assist him as much to his gain as this had been to his loss; and thereupon acquainted him with the places of their dwellings, they departed: and indeed, it was not long ere he had occasion to make use of them; for a Person of Quality, being to travel our Road, sent his boy before to our house to bespeak a Supper; the boy, having mistook his Master in his direction, instead of a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks, which he had ordered him to bespeak, he bespeak, a dozen of Capons, and a Couple of Larks, mine Host did somewhat distrust the boy for his directions, when he spake of a couple of Larks, and told him surely he was mistaken, he must have two dozen of Larks; no, said the boy, my Master is but a small eater, and the dozen of Capons and the two Larks will be enough for him and his Company, which is but one Gentleman, besides himself; well, replyed mine Host, however I’le provide two dozen of Larks; and if your Master will not eat them, I’le have them my self; to this the boy consented, and the fowls were ordered to be dressed accordingly: mine Host was very sensible of the mistake, and that the Boy should have bespoke but two Capons, and a dozen of Larks; but however, the boy being so confident that it was a dozen of Capons, he was resolved to dress them, and that his Master should pay for them; but lest they should be left on his hands, and deducted for, he bethought on a way to have them dispatched; wherefore he dispatched away a boy to one of his three Capon and Pidgeon eaters, desiring him to favour him so far, as to come that evening to his house; for he did believe he might do him a kindness in some affairs relating to the teeth and guts. The Country man was at home, and came at his time: but before he came, the Master of the boy came thither, and asking what was for Supper, was answered, a dozen of Capons, and two dozen of Larks; and for whom is all this provision? said the Gentleman. For your worship, said mine Host: how so, said the Gentleman, by whose order? by your servants, replyed mine Host; and thereupon the boy being called, sirrah, said his Master, what orders did I give you about my supper? Sir, said the boy, I believe there is a mistake, and so I told mine Host. For I only bespake a dozen of Capons, and a couple of Larks; and he said, it was too little, and that he would dress two dozen of Larks. The Gentleman and his Friend laughed at the Boyes mistake, and excuse; and mine Host said, that he thought two dozen of Larks was little enough for one dozen of Capons. That is true, said the Gentleman; but I ordered the boy to bespeak only a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks. You see said mine Host, It is not my mistake, and I did nothing but was reasonable. I but, said the Gentleman, it is unreasonable to think, that we two and the boy can eat so much as you have provided for us; not so unreasonable neither, as you think, Sir, replyed mine Host; for I’le lay a good wager, that I’le produce one man, that can, and will eat up all the Capons himself; how, said the Gentleman? I’le never believe that, and I’le lay twenty shillings of it, and venture my Supper; done, said mine Host; done, said the Gentleman; and so both their moneys were laid into the other Gentlemans hand. Thus was this wager concluded of and mine Host went to his Teeth and Gut-Champion, who attended the sport; he told him the wager; to that he shook his head, and said it was a hard task; but he would strive to serve him. Supper being ready, it was Ushered in by mine Host, leading his Champion by the hand; who, after due reverance to the Company, sits down; and the meat being placed on the board, the wager was again recited; and it was further agreed, that the Champion might have what drink he would call for; and thereupon he began to use his teeth, and the rest of the Company their eyes, to behold the manner how he made so quick a dispatch of his Victuals. I told you already how, and in that manner he did eat; but now being to do much, he took more time than ordinary; but in time, ten of the twelve were made invisible, being put into our Gut-mongers _Christmas_ Cup-board, and the eleventh was on his Trencher, and part of it sent down his belly, when mine Host looked on him with a more than curious eye, and discovered somewhat of discontent, which caused him to cry out, _Come Friend! bear up, and here’s to you_; thank you, replyed the Eater; and taking the drink from mine Host, he whispering him in the ear, said; You have lost, I can eat no more. How, said the Gentleman, what sayes he? Nothing, said mine Host, but that he is sure you have lost, for he can eat a dozen more: How, replyed the Gentle-man, but by my faith he shall not, for i’le have this my self for my Supper: and thereupon he seized on the twelfth Capon, and laying it on his Trencher, cuts it in peices, and gives to his Friend. Nay then, said mine Host, I see you agree the wager to be mine: yes, replyed the Gentleman, I had better do so, than fill his belly, and lose my own supper; and thereupon the money was given to mine Host; who now, meerly by his quickness of wit in thinking, and confidence in speaking so contrary to the Eaters saying, won the wager; and, which was most, saving his own credit, and that of his Champion, who clearly confessed, that the wager was in great danger to be lost.

Thus did mine Host get as much as he lost by the former wager, and the Gentleman was well pleased at the loss of his; and all parties being contented, they went to bed, and next day parted.

And now, continued Mrs. _Dorothy_, that my hand is in, I’le tell you one Story more of the like nature, and so conclude with this eating discourse.

It was not long ere some Company came to the House, and in the Company three Women, who were good girls, absolute _Bona Roba’s_, they had a great desire to drink _Rhenish_ wine, and therefore asked if we had any? Mine Host told them yes, he had a Runlet of eighteen Gallons newly come in, and it was excellent good; the women said that would hardly serve one sitting: no said one of the Gentle-men surely it will: they said no, they would wager that they themselves could drink it off at one sitting. The Gentleman told them that if they would, he would not only pay for it, but also give unto each of them forty shillings, to buy a new Petticoat; this they agreed to, nay, they said they would not rise from their seats e’re it was done, provided they might have Anchoves, and Neats-tongues, and such like victuals to intermix: this was agreed on, and that they might the more conveniently do their business, they had each of them an empty Butter-firkin with the head knock’d off, and so taking up their Coates, they laid their bare bums on the firkins, thus they sate, and thus they drank, sometimes eating and other whiles talking, so that in four hours time, all the wine was drank off, and if they had occasion to evacuate, they did that without trouble sitting as they did on butter-firkins.

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CHAP. X.

_Mrs._ Dorothy _discourses of the several cheats of Drawers and
Tapsters, inventing bad drink and small measure. The Host carries two
men before the Justice, where he came off with the loss. He is
out-witted by two Guests, but is revenged on them by the boyes
assistance._

These were the frolicks we daily had at our house, which were commonly to the profit of mine Host; for whoever won or lost he went away with the profit and gain; and indeed his gain was very great both in his victuals and drink, for when wine was to be sold at eighteen pence the quart, we had two shillings or half a crown, and that we might not come within the compass of the law, to every bottle of Wine, a small plate of Olives was carried up, neither was this enough to have the price, but the Wine was generally mixt, and bad; and that the Guests might as well be cheated in quantity as quality, it was commonly sold in bottles, where we many times had two shillings or half a crown for a bottle of Wine that would not hold above a pinte and a half; and for instance, I will relate one little fine Cheat to that purpose: A Company of Gentlemen come to our house and call’d for Wine, which they drank off but liked not, wherefore they called the Drawer, and desiring another bottle told him that there was two faults in the Wine they had drank, the one that it was not so good as they expected, the other, that the bottle was not full measure; they therefore desired him to mend both the quality and quantity in the next, since they intended him, and always gave the best price, half a crown a bottle, he promised an amendment as to both, and so went down, and indeed was as good as his word, drawing the best wine in the Cellar, and that in a Bottle of the largest size; they thanked him and for his encouragement to continue honest to them they gave him a shilling, he pocketed the money and left them, they drank on and finding their wine good, called for more, which they had: But mark the falsness and ingratitude of this rascally Drawer, he in short time first changed their wine, and gave them worse, and not contented with that likewise cheated them of their measure, he carried a bottle of wine and filled a glass out of it, when one of the Gentlemen who was not yet so dim sighted but he could see somewhat of the intended cheat, cry’d hold Drawer, let me see that Glass and Bottle, and thereupon poured the wine into the bottle which was indifferent full but looking on the bottle, and seeing it was very small, he said: surely this Bottle does not hold a full quart, Oh Lord! Sir, said the Drawer, do you think I would wrong you? I do not know; replyed the Gentleman, but I much distrust it, you have no cause replyed the Drawer, for I am sure that bottle is full measure, what will you wager of that said the Gentleman? any thing you will, said the Drawer: But do you think I would put any tricks upon Gentlemen I have so great respect for, no surely? But said the Gentleman I must and will be satisfied, that you may quickly be, replyed the Drawer, for I will fetch a new sealed quart pot and measure it, this was agreed upon, and in short time up comes the Drawer with a quart pot in his hand, being come to the Table he takes the bottle and pours the wine out of that into the quart pot, which when looked upon was full as it ought to be, now said one to the Gentleman who complained, you have wronged the honest Drawer and must give him satisfaction for the abuse, truly replyed he, I was very much mistaken, and my mind still gives me that there is some cunning trick and cheat in this contrivance, and that it is not as it appears to be; truly replyed the Drawer, if you think I have done you any abuse you do me wrong, and besides the great respect I have for you who are my Masters best Customers, I know if I should attempt to wrong you, my Master would be much troubled and would not keep a Servant in his House that should do it; well for all this replyed the Gentleman, I pray let me see the bottle and quart pot, the Drawer delivered him the quart pot freely, but parted from the bottle with much unwillingness, but in fine the Gentleman had them both when presently he takes the quart pot and out of that filled the bottle, and then he found the Cheat, which was this; there was more than half a pint of wine left in the quart pot, how now, said the Gentleman who is wronged now, where lies the Cheat? The Drawer seeing himself found out and fearing he should be beaten replyed, I do not know, and so turn’d his back and left them; great was the admiration of the whole company, of the management of this cheat, but much more at the impudence of the Drawer; now they all perceived that the Drawer when he went down into the Cellar to bring up a quart pot, brought wine in it, and that above half a pint, the acting of the thing it self was not so much as the manner, that this knavish Drawer should be so impudent as to stand in it, and justifie it with language, when as if he had not been too confident, and so soon as he had put the wine into a quart pot had immediately gone away, he might have escaped undiscovered; but it was his fortune so to be found out to the great admiration of the whole company, who although they found themselves cheated, yet were hugely pleased with the manner, and made it their discourse in all Taverns they came into for a long time after; but I believe it was to as little purpose with others, as with our folks, for when any such tricks or cheats have been told in our house, our people would only give them the hearing, and seem to be astonished with the discourse, but be never a whit the better for it, but immediately upon the next opportunity do the same thing or as bad, and this was their constant practice; they would draw wine in glass bottles that were so thick at the bottom that when they were empty they were as heavy as if they were half full, and also batter’d pots that would not hold out measure, and sometimes would fill a pot not above three quarters full, and when the Drawer brought it in, he would presently fill out a glass, and stare them in the face as Juglers do when they are about their _Hocus Pocus_, slight of hand tricks, and so carry it off, and out of pretence to civility to fill the first glasses they would do it, but their end was quite different, it being only to deceive them and to hinder them from seeing the false measure that is brought them, which cannot be discovered when a glass or two is filled out.

Mine Host was finely caught one day with a pot not being filled: Two Old Country men coming to our house in a morning called for a quart of wine, the Drawer believing they were to be choused, brought up a quart pot, but it was little more than half full, he intended they should have it raw, but it being a cold morning, they bad him rost it, that is put it to the fire and burn it; he was now at a loss in not filling out the first glass, but not knowing how to help it, he did set it down before the fire, and I suppose, he intended to fill it up afterwards, but he forgetting that, and the old men being busie in discourse forgot to look to it, when on a sudden they look’d, and the pot was melted almost half way down, which was as far as there was no wine in it; with that the maid seeing it call’d out to them, what honest men do you melt your pot? Not we, said they, it is the fire, but you are like to pay for it, replyed the wench, that is when we do, said they, at this mine Host came up, the maid tells how that these two old men had been telling their _Canterbury_ tales so long that the pot was melted, then they must pay for it said mine Host, for it was given to their charge; thereupon the Drawer was call’d, who likewise averred that he gave them the pot with the wine into their charge and custody, and that therefore they ought to look after it, and since it was damaged to pay for it. They replyed, they took no charge of it, neither did they touch it, but only ordered him, to burn it well: mine Host said they should pay, and they said they would not, whereupon he threatened them with a Justices Warrant; they were somewhat unwilling to be troubled, and were content to pay for the wine, and allow six pence more for mending the pot, mine Host replying that would not do, for it could not be mended, and he must have a new one; they seeing him so unreasonable, were content the Justice should decide the Controversie; wherefore before the Justice they went, and mine Host there made his Complaint that those two men had melted his quart pot, and refused to pay for it. The Justice perceiving where the matter lay, and that he told his tale wrong, desired the men to speak, who in plain terms told him they took no charge of the pot, but onely desired the Drawer to cause Wine to be burnt, that he had accordingly set it down by the fire, and without their handling or touching it, the pot was melted. So, said the Justice, and did neither of you drink of the Wine? No, not one drop, replyed the old men, and yet we offered to pay for the Wine, and give sixpence towards mending the pot. This is more than you shall need to do, said the Justice, & then he thuss proceeded to mine Host.

Friend, with what confidence can you demand any money of these men that had nothing of you? since you would not do them justice, I will; I do hereby acquit them from paying any thing for Wine, because they never had any; and for the melting the pot, how did they do it? It was not they, but your servant who drew the Wine, who had he filled the pot full of wine, the fire could not have melted it; for I very well understand that the pot was melted no further than it was empty: And further, continued the Justice, this shall not serve your turn, for I shall Fine you for not filling your pot; Your Crime is very apparent and evident, and so shall your punishment be, and I order you, as a Fine, to pay down Twenty shillings for your misdemeanor, or else I shall make your _Mittimus_, and send you to Prison. Thus was the Case altered, and the Tale was now of another Hog; for mine Host who expected satisfaction, was forced to give it, and that immediatly, or else go to Prison.

This went against the hair, but Necessity hath no Law, and therefore down he paid the money, and came home heartily vexed, not so much for the money he had paid, as for the disgrace he received; for he was now become the Town-talk: But however, since he could not help the disgrace, he was forced to be contented with that; but for his loss, he soon fetch’d it up either in false measures, Over-reckonings, or some such practises as I have told you. And besides these extraordinary gains he made by Drink, he had his ways to cheat in Victuals, he would reckon for a Dish of anchoves that stood him in ten pence, or a shilling, two shillings or half a Crown at the least; and carry them in a large Dish an inch asunder from one another. _Whestphalia_ Ham of Bacon he would cut so thin, and make such a large show of a little meat, that he would reckon two shillings for that which stood him in two groats; nay, and sometimes be paid six pence for fouling of Linnen to it. A Neats-tongue of two shillings, he would reckon four shillings, or four shillings six pence for it, nay though they were cheated of part of it, as I remember he was caught in the manner about one. A Neat’s-tongue being call’d for, and carried in to the Guests, but first (as the manner is) it was slit down quite through the middle, and not barely so, but mine Hostess her self had gelded it, and cut off from each side a fine large slice, which she intended for some other Gentlemen in the House, to draw down th’other Bottle of wine. This Neats-tongue being carried to the Guests, one of them complained of the cutting it, saying, he had rather have had it whole; for (said he) there is less loss in cutting it in slices cross-ways than this. Why (said another) you may do so still, and thereupon he took the Tongue and clapt it together again, but it would not come close by above half an inch; and they discovered the place, where it had been pared, to look wide like a mouth: they perceiving the cheat, were resolv’d to try a little farther experiment, and therefore called in for mine Host, who with a _Sit you merry Gentlemen_ came in: Landlord (said one) I pray what do you reckon for this Neats-Tongue? Not above four shillings, or four shillings sixpence, said he: I but that is too much reply’d the man, this is but a little one, and I think not a whole one. How! reply’d mine Host, not a whole one! that were a good jest indeed; I say tis a whole one, and a large one too. I’le wager a quart of Sack (said the Gentleman) that you are mistaken; Done, said mine Host: whereupon the Neats-Tongue was clapt together, and mine Host quickly saw that he had lost; he began to flounce and fluster, saying, that some of the company had done it; but leaving the Room, and going to his wife in the Kitchin, he soon found that he had lost indeed: the company being good guests to the house he was unwilling to displease them; wherefore he drew a quart of wine, went in and acknowledged his error, and paid for it, excusing the matter as well as he could, and they took all in good part. Thus was he sometimes caught, and paid for it; but not once in twenty times but he caught his guests, and made them pay for it. They would not only cheat their guests, but their own servants bellies; for except they had good trading, that the Servants might feed on the reversione of their guests dinners, they were like to go without, or at least have a poor one: she was very niggardly, and when they had salt fish, which was commonly once a week, she would allow them neither Oyl nor Butter, but only Mustard, but she was broken of that custom in this manner; after they had one day din’d with fish, drest as I tell you, down stairs went one servant, then another, and so one after another they all dropt away and went into the Cellar; where when they were come, the Drawer said, now to our old Custom, that is, since we have had no oyl nor butter, to our fish, we will soak it in sack, my friends, and that of the best, every one his half pint, and so away to our business: mine Host having some business with some of the servants, and finding them all missing, went to the Cellar door, and there he not only heard this proposition made by the Drawer, but saw it also confirmed and executed; whereupon he went to his wife, and commanded her for the future to allow his servants not onely oyl with their mustard to their salt fish, but butter and eggs too if they would have it, and so they had for the future. I have known mine Host sell and take money for one Joynt of meat twice, in this manner: when a Feast hath been above stairs, Joynts of Meat, and Fowles that have hardly been touched, have been brought down and sold to guests below, as fresh brought from the fire, at a very good rate: indeed no opportunity hath been omitted, to gain money. There was a pretty passage hapned about a couple of guests, that upon occasion lay there two or three nights together; thus it was: two men came one night to lodge, and being not well in health, it having been cold and rainy, they desired a good fire in their Chamber, which they had without any supper, or any drink, but a quart of burnt wine, and so they went to bed: the next day proving cold and rainy and their business not being very urgent, they continued there, and kept their Chamber, with little victuals, and as little drink; but however they kept a good fire, and mine Host seeing they had little else but fireing, was resolved he would get sufficiently by that, and therefore the next morning when they call’d to know what was to pay, he reckoned them ten shillings for fireing for two nights and one day: this demand they thought was very unreasonable, but, they knew that they could not help themselves, for he would have what he demanded; and besides, to say truth, firing was very scarce and dear in that Country: the two Travellers paid their shot, and intended to leave the house, but the weather proved so cold and stormy, they could not; wherefore they were forced to stay; but they resolved withall to be better Husbands of their fireing than they had been, but could not tell how, till in the end looking about the house they saw a great old fashion’d Bed-stead, that lay useless in a Hole: they not telling for what use, asked my Landlord the price of it, who not dreaming of their purpose, in few words sold it to them for five shillings; when they had bought it, they hired a fellow for one shilling to cut it in pieces fit for fireing; and now being furnished with fewel, they resolved to keep a good fire which they did, and calling for mine Host, and a quart of wine, bad him welcome to their good Husbandry; for the wood they had bought of the bed-stead was as much agen as they had paid ten shillings for, wherefore they made a good fire, and sung old rose in the gun-room. Mine Host being thus beaten at his own weapons, and his own Goods by himself sold to his loss, was somewhat netled, and discovered his anger to his servants. Master (said the unhappy boy) if you please I’le be revenged of them: do if you can (said the Master) not doing mischief. The boy having a commission, was not long e’re he put it in execution; for joyning another Servant in confederacy with him, they went that evening to wait on the two guests, when among other matters they talked of spirits and apparitions; quoth the boy, we are often troubled with them here, and especially in this Chamber: I am sorry for that (said one of our Travellers) for I am very fearful of any such things: and thus the boy possed them with fear of that which he intended and executed; for about midnight he and his confederate took a Calf out of the Cow-house, and tying his four legs together, but so as he might not only stand, but go a little; they put him into our Travellers chamber, and there waited the event; it was not long e’re the Calf began to pace it about the Room, making an unusual noise; and in this manner he continued stamping till both our Travellers were awake, who hearing the noise, were possessed with fear and astonishment, supposing it to be a spirit that was told them of: thereupon they shrunk close into the bed for fear; the noise continuing, and no harm or danger coming to them, at length one of them consented to rise and light a candle to see what was the matter; a candle was found, and some remains of fire being still in the chimney, thither he went: and stooping down fell a blowing with his mouth to light the candle, the Calf seeing a light, went thitherwards, and espying somewhat that was pendulous between the Travellers Legs, and taking it to be his Mother Cows Teat, thrust his chaps thitherwards, and seizing it in his mouth, fell full lustily to sucking, the Traveller perceiving himself caught by the Members, and not knowing by what, and being in fear of losing them, fell a roaring very loud, to the great sorrow and grief of his bed-fellow, and as great joy of our unhappy Boy and his Confederate.

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CHAP. XI.

_Six Country Blades steal a Goose and two Hens; by the contrivance of
two of them and the Host; the other four pay soundly for them, and
laugh at their Companions. A Traveller by a mistake lies with another
mans Wife. A noise of Fidlers are forced to pay for their sawciness._

The poor Traveller, who was thus used by the Calf, still continued his roaring out, and the Calf being hungry, did suck very hard, but to no purpose, our young Crack-rope and his Companion still listening and laughing: but in fine, the noise continuing, and they doubting that there was more than sport, they entered the Chamber, where they saw the Calf close to the Traveller, but could not tell what he did there; but the Traveller still making a noise, they came near, and perceiving the Calfs mistake; they thrust somewhat into his mouth, and thereby disingaged him from the Travellers Bawble: He still lay on the Ground whilst they carried the Calf out of the Chamber, soon returning with a lighted Candle to see what was the matter: the Traveller was by that time somewhat come to himself, and feeling that he had lost nothing, was indifferently satisfied: they being now entered the Chamber, asked what was the matter? and wherefore he made so much noise? he now looking about the Chamber, and seeing nothing but People with a light, whom he knew, could not well tell what answer to give, only he told them, that the Devil, or some wicked Spirit had been there, and he had like to have been mischiev’d by him, but that now he found himself well again: his Fellow-Traveller likewise said that there had been some walking in the Chamber, but what it was, and wherefore his Companion roared out, he knew not: in fine, they who had done the mischief were thanked for their readiness to come and assist them; and so with some perswations our Traveller went to bed again, where he lay till the next morning, although he slept not, so great was his fear of the foul Fiend; but so soon as morning came they both arose, and though the weather still continued cold and rainy, yet they could not be perswaded to stay any longer in our Inn, but paying their reckoning left it, and half their wood behind them; so that mine Host was now no looser by this bargain, it being ready cleft to sell to the next cold Guest that should arrive there.

The last passage hapned in the Winter time, a little before _Christmas_, which soon after coming, we had two or three notable Accidents that befel in our Inn; the first was this: half a dozen of young Country Blades had been abroad a Fowling, or a Fooling rather, and among other purchase that they had, they coming near a Farm-house where there was store of Poultry, at two shots which they made, they kill’d two Hens and a Goose: this with the rest of their Game they brought to our house to be dressed against the next day for dinner: they drank some bottles of wine when they brought them, and being merry (said one) we will to morrow drink a health to the owner of the Hens and Geese: well, that we will (said another,) but I would not for forty shillings that he should know of it, for if he did, I doubt he would make us pay sawce: and truly I am yet somewhat fearful that we shall be discovered: so am I, said another, and so a third; well, if we be found out we can pay for them, and my share shall be ready. This was their discourse, and so for that time they parted; but it was not long ere two of the Company returned, and calling for a bottle of wine fell heartily a laughing; and (sayes the one to the other) I am resolved it shall be so, and with the assistance of mine Host we may carry the matter very closely; and thereupon mine Host was call’d for: he being come, they told him that they must have his assistance in a design, which he promised should not be wanting, and thereupon one of them thus began: mine Host, we have this day, as you know, been a Fowling, and part of what we brought in we plunder’d for, or in plain English, stole; now some of our Company are very conscious of their guilt and are not only penitent, but fearful; now it is our design to increase their fear, and get some money out of them to make us merry; and thus we have contrived it: to morrow when we are towards the latter end of our dinner, I would have you to tell us, that there is a Country fellow, who enquires for such persons as we are, and likewise that he was here as this day to enquire of us, and that he talks of a warrant that he hath against us about some Poultry his Master lost, and that he suspected us to be guilty; and withal you may add, that he is resolved to have the Law against us, and that you have had much adoe to perswade him to be patient till we had din’d. Mine Host having heard the instructions, was no Fool, but soon understood them, and procur’d a Country Fellow to manage the business so well, that they should be all startled, only (said he) you shall allow him half a Crown for his labor, and the rest that he gets of you (for I know you intend a Composition) shall be justly return’d you. Thus was this Affair agreed on, and accordingly the next day managed: for the Guests also came at the hour appointed, and merrily drank about till Dinner was brought in; which being come they fell to eating, and the Goose being well nigh eaten, a Glass of Wine was call’d for to drink a Health to the Owner, and mine Host himself was then call’d for up to make one in the Frolick: he being come, and seeing whereabouts Causes went, thought it now a fit time to begin, and therefore he thus bespeaks the Company: Gentlemen, I understand your Health, and shall willingly drink it, but if I be not mistaken, you will have but little cause to be so merry on this occasion: why? what’s the matter, says one? what’s the matter, said another? I’le tell you presently, reply’d mine Host, but first let us drink; whereupon up went his Glass, and down Gutter-lane went the Wine, and mine Host being grave in his Countenance, and slow in his Speech, they all, as amazed, star’d either on him or one another, wondring what should be the meaning of mine Host’s Speech: At length he spake, and acquainted them with the business, just as he and two of the Company had agreed on; then having done, added farther, That he had endeavoured to underfeel the Fellow that was below, but he found him very obstinate, and doubted very much that he woad make no end but what the Law should: How! (said one) is your fooling come to this! Oh Lord! (said another) we have brought our Hogs to a fair Market: Well (said a third) but what must we do in this case? Truly (said mine Host) if I may advise you, I would have one of you go down to treat with the Fellow, and see what composition you can draw him to: This was in the end thought to be the best way, and thereupon one went down with mine Host; so soon as the Country-man saw him (being well instructed in every thing) he cries out, nay, I am sure I am in the right, for though the man hath changed his Clothes, yet that won’t serve his turn: I know you well Sir, said he, by your hair and beard: What do you know replyed the guest? why I know, said the Country-man that you are one of the six that stole my Masters two Hens and Goose; I saw you well enough when you did it, and know you all well enough when I see you again; I follow’d you hither yesterday, & see you hous’d, and able to swear before Mr. Justice that you are the persons; and my Master is resolved to prosecute you, for he hath lost as much Poultry this winter as is worth five pound, and now we have found you you shall pay for all. How! (said the Guest) surely you do not mean as you say; one body may be like another, and you may be mistaken; and besides, if it were so, that we were the Parties, you mean yet a great deal less than five Pound, which I hope will serve the turn for two hens and a goose, which you say is all you lost. I (said the fellow) that is all indeed that we lost yesterday, but I tell you five pound will not pay for all my Master hath lost within this moneth, and my Master and I both believe you had them all, or else you would not so readily have found the way into our yard; and therefore I say, and so my Master sayes, that you shall pay for them. Nay friend, (said mine Host) I pray let me perswade you to be more reasonable in your demands; reason me no reasons,(said the fellow) it was unreasonable for them to come and rob my Master, and therefore I will not be reasonable; I am sure I shall lose my share of Goose and other Poultry this _Christmas_, that I should have had, had not we been robb’d. Nay but come, (said mine Host) let me take up this matter: I say you shall not, (reply’d the Fellow) the Justice shall know the matter, and no body else; but if they be your friends, if you will make an end, and pay me the money, I’le be rul’d by you. Whereupon mine Host took the Fellow by the Arm, and leading him into a drinking room, said, come let you and I talk a little further of this matter, and in the mean time, said he to the Guest, go you up to your Friends and confer with them about it. How, said the fellow, you mean to lead me out of the way while they get away from me. No, replyed mine Host, I’le pass my word for their appearance. Nay, that matters not much, quoth the fellow; for I have such a Warrant in my pocket, as will fetch them again in the Devils name. Having thus said, he and mine Host went to drink a pot of Ale together, and laugh a while; in the mean time our Guest went up to his companions to relate how things were like to go with the fellow, but he needed not tell them, for they being all concern’d, had listned at the stairs head to what the Fellow had said, and therefore knowing in what case they were, they all agreed to contribute to the fellows satisfaction, but they thinking five pounds were too much, grumbled at the demand, but was resolved to give that rather than fail, and have further trouble. One of the two confederates seeing how matters went, and though he was willing to put a trick upon his companions, yet thought five pounds was too great a sum to get by waggery, he therefore made a proposal that he would go down to the fellow and mine Host and treat with them, and he would warrant to get the business of for a great deal less: They were soon content with the proposition, whereupon down he went, and after some time spent with mine Host and the Country man, he returned, saying, Come, come Friends, draw your moneys, for I have ended the Controversie, and I hope to your content; we must be Noble-men, a Noble a piece, in all Forty shillings is the sum agreed upon to compound this brabling Business, and herein we are much engaged to mine Host for his civility, who hath much perswaded the fellow, and indeed the fellow by his perswasions is brought to be so civil, that I have promis’d him Half a Crown for himself. All the Company were all well contented with this Composition, and thereupon readily laid down their money, which one of our Confederates pretended to carry down to the fellow, but he put it up in his own pocket, onely giving him the Half Crown he had promised, and ordering half a dozen of Beer more for managing the Affair so handsomly. And thus was this Adventure ended, and in short time the Company separated, but the two Confederates soon came back again, and shared stakes of the moneys, and there they laughed at the easiness and credulity of their Companions, and mine Host was as merry as they, and had as much cause, for if the Proverb be true, _Let them laugh that win_, he was sure to win most, and therefore might well laugh; for he made them pay sawcily for the Sawces to their Goose, and in the confusion they were then in, it was no hard matter to mis-reckon them several bottles of Wine, and the two Confederates who onely managed this Affair to make sport and not for gain, delivered all their profits, which was 26s. 8d. into mine Hosts hands to be spent two or three days after, when they were to bring more company to laugh at this Adventure, and I remember they then came, and mine Host knowing they came easily by their moneys, was resolved to put in for a share of it, and so he did, and had it; for they had but three Dishes of Fish, but he again made them pay for their Sawce, reckoning fourteen shillings for that and dressing it, although the Fish it self did cost but half so much; these were his Tricks.