Chapter IV: Part 4

The Gentlewoman seeing us at a distance, made up to us, but was strangely astonisht when she saw a person so unexpectedly handsome, and in a Garb which as much exceeded that which she wore, as the face she saw excelled most others that she had seen before; and therefore thought it requisite to make her address, as to a person of no mean Quality; yet thinking again, should she do so, I might think she mockt me; (for had I been nobly born and bred, I would never have condescended so low, as to prostitute my body to the unlawful embraces of some hot-blooded Gallant, and afterwards mercenarily expose the Infant to the disposal of a meer stranger;) therefore familiarly thus she spake; Sweet-heart, Though I never saw you before, I am not unacquainted with your affairs, and am much troubled, that so good a face should be so deluded, and grosly abused by any Promise-breaker of them all; but since what is past cannot be recalled, I shall endeavour to redress your misfortunes, after this manner; you shall lodge with a good old Gentlewoman, not far off, a friend of mine: but be sure you keep your self private; and when you have a mind to take the air, and enjoy your self, you shall not want a Coach to carry you whither you list, so it be far enough off: your provision at home, with all things necessary, and your expences abroad, shall be at my charge; all that I shall require of you is, that when you cry out in labour, your Childe may be at the dispose of your Landlady, whom I constitute your Guardian. If in the interim you want any thing, let me know it, and you shall be supplyed, and enjoy your self as freely, as if you were Empress of the whole World; and when you are discharged of your great belly, you shall not want a sum to make you a good portion for any honest man. Be not seen in the Town, and do not come to our house, but be ruled by your Guardian; and assure your self this, your Child shall be my Child, and what estate I have, or my Husband, shall be his: and so she took her leave of me, cramming my hand full of _Jacobusses_, as the earnest of a better penny.

I was forthwith conducted to this house, which was intended for my lodging privately, where I was entertain’d, according to instruction, with much respect and gallantry; a Maid was there ready provided to attend me, and there was nothing wanting in my entertainment to make my life comfortable, and my looks cheerful. Here did I merrily pass my time away, being often visited by my old Hostess, daily puzzling each others invention, what we should have for Dinner; what recreation in the afternoon; what for Supper, and what divertisement afterwards; how to make our pleasure more poyant by their diversity, and variety; but the greatest difficulty lay in our cunning projections of going abroad, which we knew we must carry with a world of secrecie, or spoil all whatever we intended to do.

In the mean time, the Gentle-woman (understanding my true reckoning, which was three moneths gone with Child) calculated her time accordingly, and gave out, she was with Child: every one admired at the news, having not had any in so long a time of marriage, and knew not whether they had best give credit to the report; her Husband would not be induced to believe it by any means, looking upon it as incredible, nay, almost impossible; but that which most of all favoured what she would have credited was her being troubled at that instant, with some hydropical humours, which had so swelled her belly, that she had much adoe from perswading her self, that she was really with Child. Her Husband perceiving this, from an Unbeliever became a Convert, and by his belief wrought all the Neighbourhood into the like perswation: but that which knockt the nail on the head, was the opinion of the Midwife (a Creature of the Gentlewomans, made absolute to her devotion by gifts, and promise of future rewards) which proclaimed it every where as a wonder, that one after so many years, having never born a Child, should now at last conceive. Neither was the kind, and over-indulgent Husband, backward in spreading ostentatiously, his glory, that he should at last be called Father, when all the glimmerings of those hopes were quite extinguisht. His joy made him so rash and inconsiderate, that he bespoke Gossips, and concluded upon a name for it, though he knew not whether it would be born alive, male or female. On the other side, the seemingly over-joyed woman provided clouts for the bantling, and all other things necessary, which an over-busie Lullaby could invent. So many wet Nurses were sent for, that they came tumbling to the house by dozens; and so many faults were found with them, that they Troopt off again as fast; one was dislik’d for her Hair, it being of a red colour, and therefore her milk was lookt upon as too hot, rank, and venemous; every one giving in their Verdict, that she should not be wholesome, since the _Turks_ were accustomed to make the rankest poyson of the flesh of slaves that were red-hair’d. Another was too tall, and therefore slothfull, and unactive, being not talkative enough; a third not clear skinn’d, nor well featur’d, having a cast with the eye, which might be the ill pattern of directing the Childs eyes amiss: a 4th. had a too indulgent husband, whom they feared one time or other might curdle the Child’s milk, and so endanger its health: a fifth had had formerly sore Breasts, and they doubted from thence the Milky-way might be polluted: a sixth was too melancholly enclin’d, which they judged would not only prejudice her suck, but deprive her of the talking qualifications of most Nurses, who look upon the impertinent nonsensical tittle-tattle to their Children, to be the basis of all their future learning. With much adoe, they at length pitch upon a lovely brown woman, full grown, well featur’d, quick sighted, clear skinned, middle statur’d, with breasts little and round, her blood cirkling them in the pleasant blew _Meanders_ of her veins. Now lest they should loose her, if she went out of their sight, she was hired, and entertained into the house immediatly, although her Mistriss had five moneths to go of her supposed time.

Though her Husband was extasied with joy, his Brother was moved by a contrary passion, his folly making him shew it, in so unseemly a way, that every one now concluded him that, which they only surmized before, a villain, that had both studied and practised the ruin of his nearest relations; & he was often accused & upbraided for so doing, that he was forc’d to leave the Town, and since is gone to a Cozen of his living in _Barmudus_.

My time began now to draw nigh, being groan so bigg I could not with convenience stir abroad, and too restless to stay at home. As I felt any pain, I caused my Mistriss to be acquainted therewith, that she might be so too; if I felt my self much disordered, I sent away her confident presently to allarm her; who acted her part as artificially, as I did it really. These out-cries of hers made the whole Garrison continually stand to their arms; there being about her continually the Midwife, Wet-Nurse, Dry Nurse, with many Neighbouring assistants: the Maids below ready at command, and a _Man Midwife_, if need should require with so many instruments ready fixt, as would with the very Iron set up a Black-smith: and all for the strangeness of shape, surpassing any rarity in _Tredescants_ Collection.

After so many false allarms, a true one came at last, carried by our Confident aforesaid, with my Child in her lap; whose very appearance was watch-word enough for the Gentlewoman to express the pangs of Child-birth, which she did then in a more violent manner than before, imagining something more than ordinary: she approaching the bed askt her lowdly how she did, and how she felt her self, and at that very instant clapt the Child into Bed to her; who immediately skreeking out, the Midwife ran to her, where seeming to be busied about her a while, at length takes the Child from her, and doing with it, and her, as is usual; the news of this her happy delivery was conveyed to the Husband, who was near at hand, attending, and with tears lamenting the sad pain his poor wife underwent for him; but the joyful tydings of having a Son born, wip’d away all those tears, and so animated his feeble Carkass, that he would have entred the Room, before it was either Civil, or Convenient, had he not been stopt by meer force. I shall not trouble you by relating what an Universal rejoyceing there was through the whole house, but only inform you, that before the expiration of a moneth the Child was Christened, being as lovely a Child as could be born of a Woman, not any limb or part of his body, which did not promise to exceed his true Father in every thing. The Gentlewoman being up, as soon as she understood I was well and fully recovered, appear’d abroad in publick, whose happy delivery was by all congratulated. And to gratifie me, she sent me an hundred pieces of old Gold, desiring me to remove my Quarters, and to engage my tongue eternally to conceal the secret.

I now thought it high time to send to my two Gallants, who were obliged to me in bonds, the one to pay me fourty pound, and the other fifty, upon my delivery; they being both assured of the truth thereof, delayed me not, but sent me my moneys by the first conveniency, which added to my late purchase; and what money I had before, made up to weighty a portion, for so light an Houswife as my self.

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CHAP. V.

_Mrs_ Dorothy _relates several passages in the Inn: as, how the Host
drew Guests to his House, and then cheated them: the Boy by his
Example, attempts to cheat, but is taken in the manner; is beaten by
his Mistris, but is revenged of her and his Master; is turned over to
be corrected by the Under Hostle, but is wittily, and pleasantly
revenged on him._

I was now (continued Mrs _Dorothy_) rid of my great Belly, and instead of that, had a great Bag of money; and my Child being thus provided for, as I have told you, I retired from the place where I had lain in private, now to appear in publick at the House of my very good friend, the old _Crony_; part of whose Adventures I have already related to you: and since you have not thought me tedious in the discourse I have already made you, I shall give you an account of some such Transactions in her House, during my stay there, which, I believe, will be no less pleasant than what you have already heard: and then having made a short pause, we thuss proceeded.

The whole Family, consisting of her self, her Husband, a Son of about twenty four years of Age, and Daughter about nineteen, a Chamberlain, a Tapster or Winer, an Hostler, Cook-maid, Scullion, and two or three boyes; who were imployed under the others, were all alike, knavish enough, all guilty of such unparallel’d Knaveries as I have rarely heard of; and knowing of one anothers tricks, they out-vyed one another, striving and contending which should exceed in Roguery, and so sly and cunningly they carried it, that ’twas difficult to discover them, especially when they all joyned together to cheat or abuse any body; but when they fell out among themselves, they made excellent sport in acting the revenges they took upon one another. My Landlord loved his pleasure and profit so equally, that he made it his business to contrive how to joyn them together; and although he commonly had the best Custom of any house in the town, yet he would practice wayes to gain, and bring in more; among other wayes, he used this for one. He would take his Horse in an Afternoon, and ride out some ten or twelve miles, and so return home again; but he seldome came home, but he brought Guests with him, which he would take up by the way, thus.

If he saw a parcel of Travellers, who he thought to be good fellowes, and fit for his purpose, he would then enquire which way, and how far they travelled; to this they commonly answered, directly; and if they were for our Town, then he would joyn with them; and soon after, his second question would be, to know if they were acquainted at the Town, and at what Inn they would take up their Quarters: If they were strangers, and by that means indifferent of the place where they should lodge; then he told them, that the best Inn in the Town was his House, but not naming it to be his, or that he had any Interest in it, but only that he knew there was a good Hostess, who had a handsome Daughter that would use them well; and he seldom missed with this Bait to win them to agree to go thither with him, and accordingly to bring them home with him. But if they would not agree upon the place, and he saw there was no good to be done, then he would pretend some excuse to stay behind them, & would wait for such company as would at all points be for his turn; and with them would he enter the House as a Stranger: indeed he would call the Chamberlain, Hostler, and Tapster, by their Names; but they, who knew their Duties, would in no case shew any Duty to him. Then would he, as being acquainted in the House, tell his Fellow Travellers what provisions there was for Supper, and would be sure to draw them up to the highest Bill of Fare he could. If the Hostess, or her Daughters company were desired, he would be the forwardest to call them, and only treat and converse with them as of some small acquaintance; after supper, he would endeavour to draw on the Company to drink high, and use all possible means to enflame the reckoning; and when he saw they were well heated with wine, and the fury of their expences was over, he would pretend, out of good Husbandry, to call for a Reckoning before they went to bed, that they might not be mis-reckoned, or staid from the pursuit of their Journey in the Morning; to this they would commonly agree, and the Sum total of the reckoning being cast up, he would be the first man that would, without scruple, or inquiry into the particulars, lay down his share, and by his examples, the rest would follow; if any did question the dearness of the Victuals, or the quantity of the drink, he would by one means or other take them off, protesting that the Hostess was too honest to mis-reckon them, and that he had kept a just account himself, and was well satisfied; or else he should be as cautious from parting from his money as any of them; and then they, not distrusting him further, would by his example pay the shot. Thus would he many times, by his Crown or six shillings share, mis-reckon on them sixteen or twenty shillings; especially if they came to high drinking: and then the reckoning being paid, they went to bed, he retiring with his wife, and he would lye abed in the morning, and let them march off alone; but if they, in the Morning, did fall to drinking again, taking a hair of the Old Dog, then would he up, and at them again, make one at that sport, and many times put them out of capacity to Travel that day, and so keep them there to his profit, and their expences; he shifting his Liquor, and in the end, shifting himself out of their Companies, when he has seen his Conveniency, leaveing them to pay roundly for their folly. If they enquired after him, my Hostess would pretend he was a Chance Guest, as they were, only, she had seen him the last year, or such like; and thus he would force a Trade, and enjoy his pleasure and profit, by joyning them together; and this course did he frequently use when Guests came not in of their own accord; so that our house was seldome empty.

As mine Host, who was the Head and Chief of the House, had his tricks, so had the rest of the Family theirs, even the least in the House; for there was an unhappy boy, who was sometimes with the maid in the Kitchin, sometimes with the Tapster, attending Guests in their lodgings, and other times, with the Hostler and Horses in the Stable; this boy, though he was little was witty; and seeing that every one had their tricks, he cast about how he might have his, and have some profit in the Adventure; so that one day, mine Host being abroad, and the Tapster out of the way, he drew the drink; and not only the Beer, but carried bottles of wine to the Guests, & seeing them in a merry vain, he thought to try his skill at mis-reckoning them; and for six bottles which he carried into them when they came to pay, he reckoned them eight; and though there was some questioning of the truth, yet he justified it, and stood to it, that he had the reckoning he demanded.

This being his first considerable attempt in this Nature, for he had gained two shillings for himself, he was resolved to keep the prize for himself; and therefore putting that up in his Pocket, he delivered the rest at the Bar; the reckoning being wiped out.

But the Company falling into discourse, in short time called for more wine, and then the Tapster being returned, he officiated in the boyes place, and turning him into the stable; more wine they had, and staying longer than ordinary, and falling again to drinking, they quaffed off the other half dozen bottles of wine, and then calling to pay, the Tapster, thinking to put his old trick of mis-reckoning in practice, told them, there were seven bottles to pay; but one of the company who was more cautious than the rest, had made his observation, and every bottle that was brought in, he unbuttoned a button, and so was able to aver and justify that there was but six; and withal, the rest of the company believing him, they all fell a ranting, vowing that they would pay for no more, and farther alledging that they were mis-reckoned one or two bottles in the last reckoning; the Tapster, although he was guilty as to himself, yet he did not believe them as to the other reckoning, because he could not imagine, that the boy would be so bold as to attempt to cheat them, and therefore he huff’d as high as they in justification of the boy and himself; and such a noise they made, that the Hostess went in to know the cause of that clamour: they at first were so hot on both sides, that they would not hear her speak, neither did they speak reasonably themselves; but in the end she understood the matter, that they were wronged of one or two bottles by the Boy, and one by the Tapster; she hearing the matter, did not so much stand to justifie and vindicate the Tapster, whom she did imagine was guilty, but as for the boy, she was very confident, that he had not wronged them, and when the heat of their anger was somewhat over, she examined particulars enquiring how many bottles they paid for, they said eight: she who had not so soon forgotten what she had received, averred that she had but six _shillings_ for wine, and therefore it was a mistake; they still aledged _eight_, and she _six_, till now nobody could end the controversie but the boy, who was sought after, and in short time found in the hayloft asleep, or meditating how he should bestow his purchased Treasure; but being found, he was without any questions there immediately led away before the Gentlemen and his Mistress, who were to be judges of this matter of fact. The question was soon stated to him, and he too well understood the matter, which he stoutly deny’d, but there was quickly such clear evidence appeared against him, that he was found guilty; for he not dreaming or mistrusting any such matter, had not conveyed the money away, so but that the pockets being searched, there the two _shillings_ were found, to the great shame and confusion of the small delinquent: this was to the great amazement of the Guests, his Mistress, and the Tapster; but the money being laid down, and two bottles wine being brought in for it, the Gentlemen were well enough pleased, and made no further enquiry into the other bottle, which the Tapster had likewise mis-reckoned them; so that he scaped without shame or punishment, so did not the boy, who was not only ashamed, but was ordered to be severely punished, and therefore the next morning was fetched up by the under Hostler, (one who was not so wise as the boy, though in growth he was much biggar) with a Cat of nine tailes, which gave so great an impression on the poor boyes buttocks, that he was resolved on a revenge, which he effected, as I shall presently tell you. This boy was now looked on as an errant cunning Rogue, and one who without good looking to would be too wise for them all, for he had presumed to mis-reckon two _shillings_ in six _shillings_, and put it all into his own pocket, whereas the Tapster who was a proficient in cheating, and licensed therein (but with this _proviso_, that half of what he gained thereby was to be paid to his Mistress) only endeavoured to mis-reckon one _shilling_ in six; so that, I say, the boy was narrowly watched, and had many a blow on the back, and box on the ear, more than formerly; he who knew he had deserved it, for he was guilty of many petty waggeries, was forced to bear, but however he made provision against it, for his Mistress using to pommel him on the shoulders with her fist, he one time took a paper of pins, sticking them with the points upwards, placed them between his Doublet and Cassock; and his Mistress striking him, as she was wont to do, did light upon the pins, pricked her hand till the blood ran down her fingers ends, and the boy running away, she could not imagine how this was done, for she saw nothing upon his coat, that should cause it; so the boy getting away, removed the paper with pins, and there was an end of the matter for that time. The Mistress finding she had suffered by striking him on the shoulders, would come no more there with her bare hands; but used a cudgel, if it were near her, and if not she would use to slap him on the mouth with the back of her hand; and one time, he being in the Kitchen, and she running after him to strike him, he claps a knife, which lay near him, into his mouth, with the edge outwards, she not minding that, but endeavouring and intending to give him a great blow did so, but to her cost, for she cut her knuckles in such pitious manner, that the blood ran down abundantly, and now it was no fooling matter, but Chyrurgions work, wherefore one was sent for, and the boy ran away to his wonted dormitory, the hay-loft. The Mistress took her Chamber, and towards Evening the Master came home, and bringing with him some Guests, he soon missed his wife, and thereby knew the occasion of her retirement, and it was not long ere he saw the boy, the Authour of the harm; he therefore took up a cudgel, and ran hastily after the Boy, who fearing the danger, betook him to his heels, and ran cross a dunghill in the yard; the Master being eager to pursue the boy, did not take the same course the boy had done, who had passed over a board he had laid there on purpose, but the Master missing of that, went on one side, and fell into a great filthy hole, which by reason of much wet and rain, was there slightly covered; and had he not been helped out by the Hostler, he might have stifled; he having recovered his feet, left the pursuit of the boy, and was forc’d to be conducted to bed, which was to his great grief and dammage, for he had spoiled his cloaths, wet himself, and which was worst of all, he by this means was disappointed of his purpose in making a prey of his guests he had brought in with him to that purpose. But the Tapster and others, did their best in that behalf, and the Boy was again committed to the disciplination of the under Hostler, who by the command of his Master, almost flead the poor boys buttocks.

The Boy was now revenged of his Master and Mistress, who finding him so unlucky, had no great mind to meddle with him, neither did the Boy studdy any revenge upon them; but so often as he saw the under-Hostler, who had now twice been his tormentor, his blood would boyle at him, and all his study was to be even with him; and thereupon he watched for all opportunities, and it was not long ere he found one. There was meat at the fire to be roasted, and he was ordered to look to and wind up the Jack, which was made to go by a stone weight, which was fastned to pulleys, and when the Jack was woond up, the stone weight being on the out-side of the house, was drawn up two storyes high, to the eves of the house; the boy observing this, and that the Jack-weight was down, and seeing his Enemy the under Hostler in the Yard, just by the jack-weight he lifted that off from the hook, and conveighed it under the girdle of the Hostler, just behind, he not perceiving it: when he had thus done, he ran into the Kitchin, and woond up the Jack, the Hostler being none of the wisest, wondered what it was that first of all held him by the back, and afterwards drew him up from the ground; but it was too late ere he discovered the truth, for he was now hanging in the aire; his girdle was of strong leather, with a great brass buckle and thong, which he could not possibly undo; neither durst he attempt it for fear of falling, and therefore he was in short time drawn up to the top; the boy not thinking this revenge not enough, seeing no body came, proceeded further, and taking a parcel of wet horse-litter, and some dry hay, he placed it just underneath the Hostler, and set fire to it, which made such a smother and smoke, that the poor Hostler was almost choaked, wherefore he roared out most hideously; the boy having done all he intended, said, _Now remember the Cat with nine tayles_, and so ran away; by this time the Hostler made so much noise, and the jack together, being forced by weight to go faster than ordinary, that at the noise all the houshold ran to see what was the matter, when, in short, there was found the poor Hostler hanging between heaven and earth, and with coughing and roaring he purged forwards and backwards, but most backwards; in regard his girdle forced it downwards by pressing and gripeing his stomach, so that he was in a most lamentable pickle; and so great was the astonishment of all the beholders, that he was come down almost to the bottom, ere the smoaking hay was removed, or he relieved; but at length down he came, and thus ended this adventure.

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CHAP. VIII.

_The Boy learns, and practises Vaulting and tumbling, the maid servant
attempting to do the like, is intangled, caught in the manner, and
laughed at: she puts a trick upon a Puritanical Church-Warden, and
makes the boy by another trick, to lye in bed, and lose his dinner; he
is revenged on her by a Gunpowder plot._

Mrs. _Dorothy_ putting a stop to her discourse, gave us conveniency and leisure to express our satisfaction by our laughter, in which we continued for some space, and then rehearsing and commenting on what she had told us, we again renewed our laughter, she joyning with us in the same exercise, when we had put a stop to our mirth, she thus continued.

Truly, Friends, I did think I might a little divert you by my relation; but I see you are pleased much better than I expected, and if you are so well contented with this which is but a taste of what I can tell you, I am sure the rest would be much more delightful; but being desirous to put an end to my discourse, by relating to you such matters as only concern my self, till my arrival here, I therefore beg your excuse. Nay, replyed I, and Mistress _Mary_, you must not refuse us the request we both make you, of proceeding in these pleasing Adventures of your houshold; and, continued I, it is enough to know and find you are here with us, we are satisfied in that, and hope you will give us the other satisfaction we desire; and I pray be as full and free in your recital as you can, for we cannot think any thing to be tedious that is so pleasant; she hearing my desires, after few excuses, agreed thereto; and thereupon she thus reassumed the discourse.

The poor under Hostler being thus descended from his place of Torment, was almost in as pitiful a plight as one taken down from the Gibbet half hanged to be quartered; he had as little motion or sense; for he was almost suffocated with the smoak that ascended and flew up his nose, and down his throat; and as Malefactors do (as they say) piss for fear, or some other cause, so had he done; and not only so, but we could perceive somewhat else, of a yellowish colour, that had soaked through his breeches, run down his stockings, so that few would touch him; but at length, the Hostler, his superiour, considering his condition and former good service, took him up, and carried him to his bed adjoyning to the Stable; where, with the assistance of _Aqua vitæ_, he was soon brought to his former senses. Our young Rogue in the mean time lying in the Hay-loft over him, laughing at the roguery he had done, and the groans he heard the poor fellow fetch, were as so many instruments of musick to raise his laughter to the higher pitch.

This Rogue, who wanted nothing so much as Roping, or a good Cat of nine tailes, now escap’d with out either; there being no body in the whole house that had any mind to meddle with him; he was threatned by some, whilst others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his business: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the house, and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they sent for the boy and Hostler; and after several questions, and much laughter, they made them drink to one another, and become Friends.

The boy being thus freed from punishment, set his wits at work, how he might employ his time to the best advantage, and be getting of money as well as the rest of the Family did; and soon after there being a fair at our Town, among other fooleries that attended it, there were a parcel of Rope-Dancers, and Tumblers; our boy was Master of so much money, as to see them two or three times; and having very much affection to that quality, he purchased acquaintance with such another Crack Rope as himself, who was a very nimble and active youth at the Art of Vaulting; him he invites to our house, and treating him with such as the House afforded, by all means desires his instructions in that nimble mistery; he soon assented, and our boy being ingenuous, and very willing to learn, soon attains to the knowledg of this mistery, and taking all opportunities of practising, could soon leap through a hoop, vault over two or three joynt stools, tumble on the ground in various manners; and being a pretty proficient, had money several times given him by Guests that came to our house, for shewing his tricks; by vertue of his money he would brag and vapour as well as the best in the house; and the rest of the servants seeing his gain would attempt to do the like, but many times came off with the breaking of their shins; amongst the rest, the Cook maid had a mighty great itch to learn and practise some of these tricks belike, supposing that if he, who was a boy, did get so much money by them, that then she might gain much more being a maid; and that she might as well do them as he; the obstacle of Petticoats she removed by, resolving when she had learned, to have a pair of Breeches and Doublet for that purpose, and that she questioned not, but to get money enough, it being a greater Novelty to see a woman in breeches; but before she purchased them, she resolved to practice in her ordinary Habit, her Petticoats, and did so when she had convenient time and place; so that she likewise could perform somwhat in that practice. One time most of the other servants being abroad, she was sent into the Cellar to draw a Gallon Pot full of Claret Wine; she believing it would be some time ere it were full, by reason it ran only through a small Cane whilest the Pot was filling, she lies down on her back, and resolved now to try whether she could put her feet in her neck, in order to practice some new trick of tumbling; shee soon put one there, and with some difficulty likewise put the other, when she had so done, she could not possibly undoe what she had done, her feet were as fast to her neck, as if they had grown there; and though she tumbled and tossed, yet it was all to no purpose, for she could not by any means disentangle, or disengage her self from the posture she was in; she finding her self in this condition, knew not what to do, for the Pot was now full, and the Wine ran about the Cellar, and with tumbling about she had made her Coats to fly about her ears; at length she resolved to cry out, hoping her Mistress, or some other of the females of the house might hear her, and come to her rescue; this resolution she put in execution, and cryed out amain, help, help; we were all in the Room over her, and therefore soon heard her voice, but not knowing whose, or what was the matter; mine Host at length said to the boy, sirrah, run down into Cellar, and see what is the matter there; the boy did so, and after some little stay came up again, and cryes out, Oh Heavens! Master, I think our Cook-maid is murthered for I went down, and there lyes her body without a Head, and a great deal of blood about her (which was the spilt Claret) but, said his Master, are you sure her head was off? yes, yes, said the boy, come see how it is cut of from the neck; and yet, continued he, I cannot think she is yet dead, for she moved her hands, and still cryes out, but her head I cannot find. Mine Host hearing of this strange matter, soon ran down into the Cellar, which was not so dark, nor he so dim sighted, but he presently discovered how the matter was. The only thing he did, was to stop the Wine from running out, by putting the spiggot into the faucet, and so returned up to us, and told us that the boy was a little mistaken; but such a sight had he seen as was very unusual; and thereupon desires us to desend into the Cellar, and see what he had done; no sooner had he said so; but our curiosities likewise induced us to go down, where in short time we likewise had the satisfaction of seeing this strange sight: how said I, this is some Monster, and it would do well to keep it in this manner till the next fair, and then we may gain more by it then all the Tumblers did. A pox of Tumbling, said mine Hostess, I believe this came from that Exercise.

We thus having spent our Verdicts, helped the wench to disingage her self, and put her in her wonted natural posture; but when she was so, she was not come to her self, so much was she spent with strugling, and her joynts were so out of order, that we were forced to lead her up stairs, and put her to bed.

She was mightily ashamed at this mischance, so that we could hardly perswade her to be seen by anybody; but the boy was as well pleased, as she was troubled; it was honey and nuts to him to tell the guests, how the Cook-maid could do some feats of activity, as well as he, and then relate to them, in what posture he found her. Much sport was made upon this account; and although the Wench was shy at first in being seen, yet in time she bore it out bravely, when the guests gave her money to talk with her about this Adventure.

By this means the wench became a great Enemy to the boy, and did him many shrew’d turns, but durst not meddle with his body politick, dreading the danger she should run into by the harmes of others who had been his persecutors; wherefore she was forced to let him alone as to matter of action, only now and then she would exercise her wit upon him, in which she seldome came off but with the disadvantage. She was famous for this her trick of activity, by which she got money, but much more by another, which she soon after effected, and came more clearly off with it: It was then in time of rebellion, and all observations of _Christmas_, _Easter_, _Whitsontide_, or any Holy-days, were by the Factious accounted superstitious, especially any observation of _Christmas_; and therefore, the more to cross the desire and humour of those who would observe the feast of _Christmas_, the men then in power commanded a strict fast to be on that day kept and observed, with penalties on all those who should dress any victuals; and althorough the Town, and especially our house, was of another perswation, yet such was the prevalency of the Faction, that it, was strictly observed; & it was given out that the Officers of the Town would search houses, to find and punish Offenders. Our Cook-maid hearing of this, was resolved to put a trick upon the Officers; who about the middle of Sermon time came attended with a Guard, to see and examine our Kitching, where they found not the Jack a going, yet they found a good fire, and the pot a boyling: _How now_, said Master Church warden, _How dare you break the Lawes, by dressing victuals on this day? What have you in the Pot?_ Quoth the Maid, _Nothing but plumb porridg? How,_ said the Church-warden, _Superstitious Porridg? this is a very great offence, and deserves as great punishment, to do thus in contempt of the Laws; I will see your Master fined for this, and severely punished. Well_, replyed she, _but I pray, Master_ Church-warden, _be not so angry, but be pacified; which I know you will be, when you see further what is in the Pot, and with what the porridge are made; and lest you should mistake I will shew you_; whereupon she went to the Pot and took out a large pair of Rams-horns, and said, _Look you_, Master Church-warden, _this is the meat; how like you it? I hope so well, that you will tast of the broath your self without scruple of conscience?_ The case was so plain, and Master-Church-warden was so sensible that he was jeer’d, that he made all possible haste out of the house, threatning what he would do to the Wench, who now only laughed at him, as did some of his attendants, who knew the Church-warden was very sensible of the affront, his wife being one of those who wore cork-heeld shoes, which made her pass for a light Huswife, as indeed she was.

This trick which our Maid put upon the Churchwarden, raised a great noise in the Town and Country, and brought all the Cavileers to our house, who gave her somewhat to her box, so that she was very happy in this project, and our Host had very great Custom.

But still the Boy and Wench could not agree to set their horses together; for his business was to be up in the morning with the first, and help her make her fire, this he could not indure, for he loved his bed mightily well, and would rather want his belly full of victuals, then sleep, he had liberty to lye a bed on a _Sunday_ so long as he pleased, because then they had few guests; wherefore he would constantly lye by it, till dinner time, which he knew by the jack going; for so long as the jack went, so long would he lie by it, but when that was stopt, he thought it was time, to rise to dinner.

The wench observing that he observed this Custome was resolved to put a trick on him, and therefore one _Sunday_ though dinner was dressed by twelve a clock, and eaten by one, yet she let the Jack go on till four a Clock after-noon, still the boy lay listning to the Jacks going; and hearing that go still on, gave himself to lazyness, and took many a sweet turn, which she laughed at heartily; at length she stopt the Jack, and immediately the boy arose, and came down stairs (for he lay in a small loft over the Kitchin) to see what was become of the roast; but he found none in the Kitchin, nor Hall, nor no body in the house but the wench; who seeing him search about for his Dinner, and asking her questions about the affairs of the belly, she could not answer him for laughing; but soon after the family returning from Church, he discovered his own mistake, and her roguery; for this, he resolved on a revenge, which he had upon her the next day, when, a considerable dinner being to be dressed; he was called up in the morning to make a fire; he did so, and was more than ordinarily diligent, for he laid a row of Cinders, then fresh Coals, then a row of gun powder, then a row of Cinders, then more gun-powder, and so Cinders, till this pile of building was erected; that done, he slightly kindled it and departed, going on an errand out of the Town. The Wench not knowing, or distrusting the intended mischief, hung on her Pot; and both the Spits of Geese, Capons, and other Fowls; but before they were a quarter roasted, the train of Powder took; with that up flew the Pot; and both the Spits, with all the Fowl, took a second flight; the Wench was amazed, and the Dinner spoiled, for the ashes and Cinders had made all the Fowls of a sad colour: so that the Wench stamped and swore, as if she had been bewitch’d.

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CHAP. IX.

_The Maid is out-witted by a Country Fellow in an eateing wager, and so
is her Master, mine Host; who makes himself whole again by another
eating wager. Three Women drink off eighteen Gallons of Rhenish Wine
at one sitting, and the manner how._

Mrs. _Dorothy_ pausing, and we laughing, gave her the conveniency to consider of what she was to say further; wherefore in short time she thus proceeded.

The poor Wench was at a great loss, to think that the Guests must loose their dinner; and she could not for a long time think how this came about, nor distrust that the boy had been concerned in it; but at length, the mist being removed, her eyes were opened, and she believed the boy to be the Authour of this mischief. But since it was done, and what was past could not be prevented or helped; she bethought her self how to proceed; and therefore, her Mistress coming into the Kitchin, and seeing the state of the matter, they likewise called me and the Daughter, to assist in the remedy; whilst the Wench made the fire good, we fell to washing the Fowls from the fowleness which the Cinders and Ashes had caused; but when that was done, we had a further and more tedious work, to pick out several corns of powder that were fastned into the skins of the Fowls; at length, with many hands, we likewise performed this work, and with an hours loss, the Dinner was in as much forwardness as it had been; and at length, it was dressed and eaten; but the Guests tasting, and seeing some remains of the Gun-powder, my Host excused it well enough, by telling them that those Fowles were shot by an accident.

Thus was the Dinner eaten, and much Wine drank off before the boy returned; but so soon as he came in, mine Host took him by the hand, and led him into the room where the Guests were still a drinking: and first desireing silence, and then their pardon, he told them this was the Gunner, that had shot all those Fowls they had eaten, at one shot; how, said they, he is an excellent marks-man: yes truly, said mine Host, but he had a strange kind of instrument to do this Execution; and I pray, Gentlemen, do you examine him how it was done.

The Guests thinking there was somewhat in the matter that was pleasant, desired the boy to acquaint them with it; he seeing how matters went, and believing no harm would come to him, in plain terms told them all; they were strangely pleased with the boyes discourse; and he having told them the manner how he did it, they desired to know the cause, wherefore; to this he replyed, it was because the maid had cheated him of his Dinner, by letting the Jack to go, as I told you.

The rehearsal of that Adventure pleased them as much as the other; and the maid was call’d in, who confessing all that the boy had told them, the Guests made them Friends, and gave money to each of them; advising the Wench not by any means to fall out with the boy, and so they dismissed them.

Thus had we much pleasure by Adventures, which every day fell out between this boy and some body or other, but I will leave that, to tell you of somewhat else, as considerable and pleasant. Our Cook-maid, though she were pretty cunning and witty; was yet sometimes out-witted; for one day, an ordinary Country fellow came into the Kitchin; and calling for a Flaggon of beer, sate down by the fire to drink it and thus he began with the Wench: Here is good drink at your house, but I wonder you are not as well provided with Victuals; why, said she, so we are, for here is good meat at the fire, shewing him a piece of roast beef, that weighed above a stone; yes, said he again, the meat may be good, but there is but a little of it, there is enough for you, replyed she; no, but there is not, said he; how, said she, can you eat all this? Yes, that I can, said he; I’le lay a wager of that, said she; what you dare, said the man, she would have the wager be a quart of wine (for she was resolved against money wagers) nay, said the Man, a pint is enough for me with this meat, and so much will I lay: She thinking, that the less she layd the less she should lose, if she lost, and being very desirous to see this great wager of eating performed, agreed to his Terms, and thereupon he fell too lustily, and did eat considerably, but far short of all, so that he consented his wager to be lost, and the pint of wine was called for; he seizing on it first, put it to his nose, and drank all off; and throwing down _six pence_ for his pint of wine, and _two pence_ for his pot of beer, was departing, when her Mistress, mine Hostess, enters the Kitchin, and seeing the fellow departing, asked who must pay for the meat? Not I, said the fellow; Nor I, said the wench, so that a controversie arose between them; but mine Host and some company coming in, ended it, by ajudging, that since the Country-man called for no meat, it was not fit he should pay for it, and he not paying, the maid must, which she presently did it, but was laughed at for her folly. But she was not the only over-reach’d person in the house, for it was not long ere mine Host himself was finely caught.

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