Chapter VII: Part 7

Thus was every one a gainer but the poor Countrey-man, who was forc’d to march home by weeping Cross, only with a brass chain worth eighteen pence, instead of above twenty pounds which he had brought out with him. Mine Host gained indifferently well, but the Cheaters more, being fully fraighted; but as they got it easily, so they spent it merrily; and then went to work for more, though they devided the spoil equally between them, yet none had the punishment but the Chain-Merchant, and I believe he had as many lashes on the back as there was links on the chain; he took his punishment very patiently, only when the blow came he would shrink up his shoulders, which a stander by seeing, told him that did him more harm than good; it is no matter for that, friend, said the cheater, you may spare your instructions, for I shall not follow them, and now I am to be whip’d I will do as I List, and when you come to the same sport, and it is your turn to be whip’d, you may behave your self then as you please, thus was he pleasantly roguish when he was in the midst of his punishment, and when he was on horse-back he answered the People as roguishly as I told you; but being come to the Towns end he was dismounted, and sent packing. Thus were we rid of one Crew of Cheats, but truly, if all the Cheats of the Town had been so served as this was, mine Host must also have march’d off, who had he had his due, did as justly deserve it; but it is the little sort of Knaves and Rogues that are punished, the greater scaping Scot-free, as now mine Host did. After this Trick we had another that was altogether as pleasant, and before the finishing of it, there were some pleasant passages, and thus it was.

A Gentleman-Cheater comes to our house, and stays there a day; walks about the Town to finde some purchase, but lost his labor, he seeing there was no money to be had, was resolved to play at small Game rather than stand out; and somewhat therefore he would do if it were but to bear his charges; he had observed that there were but two Shoemakers in the Town, one at the one end, and the other at the other end: he saw they were well furnished with boots and he wanted a pair, he therefore coming home to his quarters, sent our Boy to one of the Shoemakers to desire him to come to our house, to bring a pair of boots to a Gentleman; the Sho-maker in hopes of a good Customer returns with the Boy, and brings two or three pair, our Gentleman trys them on, and at last is pleas’d with one pair, only one of them was too little in the instep, for that said the Shoemaker, it is a small fault, and I can remedy it in an hours time, by putting it on the Last; our Gentleman intending that so he should, asked, what price? eighteen shillings was demanded, but fifteen was the price agreed upon; well, said the Gentleman, carry back the boot that is so defective, and put it on the Last, let it stay on it two hours at least, and then come and bring it, and take your money; very good, said the Shoemaker, and so taking up the remainder of the Boots he departed, not distrusting any thing, and not thinking any man who had two legs could much advantage himself with one single Boot. Our Gentleman being now Master of one Boot, was resolved to have another, and therefore he again calls the Boy, and desires him to go to the other Shoemaker, and wish him to come and bring a pair of Boots: for, said he, the other Shoemaker you brought could not fit me; the boy believed him, not thinking of the transaction, it being done privately in his Chamber: The boy went, and brings the other Shoemaker with him, who likewise brought two or three pairs of Boots; our Gentleman likewise tries them, and chusing that pair that was likest to the other he had, he likewise agreed with the Shoemaker upon price, but made the same exceptions with this last, as he had done with the former, advising him to put the Boot on the Last, for one hour and a half, and at that time to come exactly and receive his money; away went the Shoemaker with the rest of his Boots, leaving the odd one behind, and no sooner was he gone but he draws on his new Boots, and calling for a Reckoning, paid it, and his horse being bridled and sadled he mounted, and away he rode. At the time appointed both the Shoemakers came, so justly together that they met at the Gate with each of them a Boot under his Arm; they both asked for our Gentleman, but hearing he was fled and gone, they both look’d blank upon the matter; mine Host was present, and understanding the story laughed heartily at it; they knew not whether they should be angry or pleas’d, but being both Brothers of a Trade and both served alike, they resolved to laugh too, though it were but with one side of their mouths, and so they sate them down and drank together; one Pot drew down an other, and being of the Gentle Craft they were both good fellows, and at length a Bottle of wine they call’d for; mine Host seeing them in a merry vain, said, Gentlemen, I’le make a proposition to you, faith since the Gent. hath made a pair of two odd boots do you so too and let these as the other two go together, and therefore fillip up Cross or Pile who shall have both; I but said one, I am not willing to hazard my Boot for nothing, therefore thus I propose it; let us have the other Bottle of Wine, and then let us fillip Cross or Pile and take our chance, and he that hath the fortune to have both the Boots shall pay the Reckoning; agreed, said the other, and so they proceeded; and he whose chance it was to have both the Boots, did not only agree to pay the Reckoning, but also called for another Bottle of Wine. Mine Host still kept them company, and helped them to laugh at the Frolick, and now they were gotten into so merry a Vein, they resolv’d to club for the other Bottle, which they likewise in short time drank off. Mine Host having a Design upon them for the Boots, seeing them merry, said thus, Gentlemen, I made one proposition to you, even now and you agreed upon it; I have another to make, which I question not but you will assent to, but in the first place, I pray tell me the just price of the Boots; truly, replyed the Master of them, I was to have fifteen shillings of the Gentleman for them, but they are really worth fourteen shillings, well then, replyed mine Host, my Reckoning comes to six shillings; now if you please I’le venture my Reckoning, which is near half of what your Boots are worth against them, and fillip up Cross or Pile whether I shall have the Boots for my Reckoning or nothing; we’l make no dry bargain said the third person, we’l have some Wine to boot, or no Boots shall be ventured; well, said mine Host, then I will add another bottle of Wine to the Reckoning; and thus all Parties being agreed, Cross and Pile being fillip’d up, mine Host had his Chance, and the Boots; and thus he gained what the other lost, and neither of the Shoemakers could laugh at one another for their loss was equal; and thus was this pair of liquor’d Boots converted into liquor, and that drank up, and this was the end of the adventure of the Boots for the present, but it was not quite finished, for mine Host who again had some business at the Assizes, went to the Country Town where it was kept, and there he met with one of the Shoemakers his Neighbour; he had then the same Boots on that he had in a manner gain’d by chance; and therefore remembring the Jest, they went in to drink at the next Two-pot house; there they were jesting and laughing at the passage of the Boots, when on a sudden mine Host looking out of the Window call’d to the Shoemaker, look you here quickly, and I think I can shew you your Boot-Merchant; the Shoemaker look’d out and saw him, for it was he indeed, with the very Boots on his Leggs; he was walking by, in company of others, who by their Garbs and Mien did seem to be persons of Quality: The Shoemaker would have run out presently and seized on him, but mine Host would not permit it, only advising him to follow him, and see him hous’d; The Shoemaker followed mine Host’s directions, and saw his Quarters, and upon enquiry found that he was to continue there for some time; wherefore he returned to mine Host, and acquainted him of his intelligence; they thereupon advised together what most convenient to be done, and concluded that mine Host should go into his company, and acquaint him that the Shoemaker expected satisfaction for his Boots, and it may be he is a Gentleman of Quality, and only did it in a Frollick, and will now pay well enough for it; but, said mine Host, if I finde him to be otherwise, we can soon have a Warrant to apprehend him, and have him punished; this was reckoned to be sober, and the best advice, and accordingly it was managed; for that evening mine Host seeing him walking alone in the Inn Yard, went and spake to him, telling him if he were not mistaken he thought he knew him; our Gentleman surveying of mine Host, reply’d, certainly no, but however if he would go into a Room, he would gladly drink with him; to this mine Host consented, they being come into a Room, drank and smoak’d together; mine Host again asking him if he were not long since at our Town? yes, said the Gentleman, and I pray you, where did you lodge? at such an Inn, reply’d the Gentleman, and naming ours; why then, reply’d mine Host, I am not mistaken, and if you please to call to mind you may remember me to be the Master of the House; Oh! I cry you mercy, reply’d the Gentleman, now I know you, I did partly remember you, but could not call to mind where I had seen you; but I pray what affair has brought you hither? no great matter, reply’d mine Host, only a little curiosity; that’s well, said the Gentleman: but, said mine Host, methinks your Boots and mine look as if they were somewhat of kin together, I pray where did you buy them? Why? that may well be, reply’d our Gentleman, for I bought them in your Town; but Sir, I pray (be not angry) said mine Host, did you ever pay for them? Why do you ask? said the Gentleman, because, said mine Host, if you did, then you are slandered and abused, and what if I did not pay for them? said the Gentleman; why then, said mine Host, you are best to do it, for the men of whom you had them are both my Neighbours; well, well, said the Gentleman, no more of this, for I paid for them as much as I will do: mine Host seeing him so absolute, said no more to him of that matter, but drank off their drink, and club’d for their Reckoning, which being paid he again at parting said thus; Sir, it will be for your Credit to pay for the Boots, I know all the story, and if you will not pay now, one time or other you will be forc’d to it to your Cost, and Trouble; do not you trouble your head with that, replied the Gentleman, let it alone till that day comes; take your own course said mine Host; and you yours, said the Gentleman, and so they parted. Mine Host having had this huffing answer, made further enquiry what this person was, and found that he was no better than a Cheat, and one that came thither for no other purpose, he therefore tells his neighbour the Shoemaker of all passages, and advises him to get a Warrant to apprehend him, and carry him before the Judge; He who was forward enough before, now went directly and made his Complaint to the Judge that evening, telling him all the Circumstance of the matter; the Judge asked him if he had enquired what quality he was of? he answered, yes, he was suspected to be no better than a Pick-pocket, or Cut-purse: well then replied the Judge, bring him hither to morrow morning before I go to the Court; our Shoemaker did not fail in a tittle, but the next morning seized on him in his Chamber, and carried him immediately before the Judge; when they came there, the Shoemaker made his Complaint, and mine Host was there present, not only to justifie it, but to produce the very fellows, which indeed were easily enough to be known to be so, and so they managed their evidence that the Gentleman-Cheat had little or nothing to say for himself, and therefore he was committed to Prison. It happened at this time that the Judge had a Kinsman with him who was somewhat wilde, and only rid about the progress with him to see fashions, and he had one scurvy humor, which was this; he had a good Estate, and was full of mony; and therefore in a prodigal vapouring way, he would carry a Purse with near a hundred pieces of Gold in it, in his pocket, and this he would always carry about with him, and upon all occasions, though never so trivial he would be drawing his Purse, and shewing his Gold, this was his Custom; and the Judge his Unkle knowing it, had oft times chid him for it, telling him that one time or other he would have his Pocket pick’d and lose it; he would not take any warning, but still replied he would warrant none could pick his pocket, so that his Unkle the Judge did wish many times that he might lose it; and so be broken of that foolish vainglorious humor. Our Cheat being now in Prison, his Companions, who were all Workmen in the same Trade, were very much troubled at his loss, because he would have done them much service, and to be so taken up for so trivial a matter as a pair of Boots much vexed them, and they knew there was no recovering him without the Judges favour; they therefore resolved to put themselves in the best Equipage they could, and go to him, accordingly that night they went, and told him they were humble Petitioners to his Honour, for a poor friend of theirs whom his Honour had commited about a pair of Boots, and they hoped his Honour would release him; because they very well knew he was wrongfully accused, being a Gentleman by birth, and of a very good House, _&c._ To this the Judge gave ear, and told them that he very well understood the quality of their friend; and theirs also, but, said he, for once I shall pass by this business upon one Condition; to this they reply’d, any Condition he pleased; he then being resolved what to do, commanded all his Servants and Attendants out of the Room; and told them he well understood their qualities, and had occasion to make use of them in an Affair, telling them that he had such a one his Kinsman, who carried a Purse of money in his Pocket, now, said he, I would have some of you to follow him, and get it from him, and bring it to me untouch’d, and then I promise not only to pardon you, but also to deliver your friend to you: They hearing the Judges Proposition, star’d one upon another, not knowing what answer to give, wherefore he again told them that this he expected from them, or else their friend should suffer, they thought fit to answer him with silence, and so departed; when they were gone, they consulted together what was to be done, and believing there would be no great difficulty nor harm in the doing it, resolv’d to effect it accordingly: And therefore the next morning they waited at the Judges Door, and seeing his Kinsman, they found means to perform their Enterprize, and got the Purse of Gold without any considerable difficulty, and forthwith pretending business to the Judge, they delivered it to him; he nodded them an answer, advising them to come to him in the evening; they did so, and he gave them a Discharge for their friend; but that he might do equal justice, he commanded them to pay the Shoemaker for the Boots, and gave them a piece of Gold to drink; they very thankfully received it and did accordingly. The Judges Kinsman being now come out of the Court had occasion for moneys, but seeking his purse found he had lost it; this perplexed him to the heart; but although the loss was considerable, yet the vexation that his unkle must know it was more; he was exceeding melancholly and discontented; and his Unkle enquired and sent for him, yet he would hardly come into his presence: his Unkle knew well enough what disease he was sick of; but however he asked him again and again what he ailed? and what was the matter? he still answered him with silence, and turning away his head. Supper time being come, they sate down together, but the young man would not eat a bit; what will you eat? said his Unkle, nothing, said he: go fetch me a dish of Partridges, said the Judge; it is a dish I know you love: the meat was brought, but the young man could eat nothing: you shall eat, said his Unkle before you rise, and I will have a dish shall please you; and therefore, said he to the waiters, go bring up the Dish I commanded should be last brought up; they thereupon went down, and brought up a dish covered; come Cousin, said the Old man, eat some of this; I cannot said the kinsman, you must and shall, said the Unkle, and I pray uncover the dish and serve me some: the young man seeing his Unkle so importunate, and believing because the dish was covered, that it might be a dish of stew’d apples, resolv’d to uncover the dish, and satisfie his Unkle by eating a little of that; wherefore at his Unkle’s importunity he uncover’d the dish; when he beheld instead of stew’d apples there was a better sort of fruit, it was his own Purse of Gold; he no sooner saw it: how, said his Unkle, I told you I would please you before you did rise from supper, and I think I have done so. The young man smiling thanked him, and then reaching to the dish of Partridges, he fell too lustily, and did eat as hearty a meal as ever; thus did the recovery of his Purse of Gold recover his stomack, as indeed I think it would do any others, it being to him and all others as good a Sawce as a Cordial. And now although the young man was well enough pleased that he had recovered his purse, yet he was vexed that his Unkle should thus discover his folly, and studyed how he might be revenged on his Unkle; he knew very well that his purse was taken from him by some cunning cheat, and that by his Unkles consent; and it was not long e’re, upon enquiry, he found out the manner, and also the People who did it; he gave them therefore a piece to drink, and told them that he would give them twenty pounds more, if they would do him one piece of service; they seeing there was money coming, promised him to do any thing in their powers; he then told them that it was indeed a high attempt, but he would pay them as largely, and save them harmless; and this it was, he would have them pick the Pocket of the Judge as he sate on the Bench: they told him it was both difficult and dangerous; as for the difficulty, said he, I’le make such means that one of you shall come near him, and for the danger, I will take of his anger, and pay you as I have said: to this they at length consented and the next day put in execution; for when the Judge was most busie in examining Witnesses, he that was the Artist that was to perform this, approaches the Bench: the young Man sitting next the Judge his Unkle, beckons the Pick-pocket, and he comes up, and under pretence of whispering the young man in the ear, he pickt the Old Mans Pocket, and carryed off the Purse cleverly; when he had so done he descended, and stood among the other Spectators. In short time after the causes were heard, and one man who had laid long in prison, only for his fees, petition’d the Judge to mitigate and lessen them that he might be able to pay them, where’s the Jaylor? said the Judge; here my Lord, said the Jaylor; what Fees do you demand of this poor man? said the Judge; twenty shillings my Lord, if it please you, and it is no more than your what Lorship order’d me at the lowest; then said my Lord, you must have so much; I cannot help it; I must not make Laws one day and break them another, I had rather pay the money out of my own purse than do so. His Kinsman who sate next him, thought this was a very good opportunity to speak, and therefore thus he said; May it please honour; I had good Fortune yesterday as your Lordship knows, and therefore am resolv’d to do some charitable Act, and I think this of releasing this poor Prisoner who lies for his Fees, will be none of the least: wherefore whereas your Honor motions paying all this poor mans Fees, I make this offer, that if you please to pay one ten shillings, I will pay the other, that the poor man may be discharged: a very good motion, said the Judge. The young man soon found the way to his Purse, and pull’d out an Angel; but the Judge although he searched both Pockets, could find neither money nor Purse, he was therefore much surprized not knowing what to say, nor think, but quickly recollecting himself, thus he spake, I am sure, my friends, when I came in hither I had a Purse of money in my pocket, but now I cannot finde it, he that hath taken it from me while I was here sitting, was his Crafts-Master, and very bold, but I question not but I shall find him, I have so good skill in Physiognomy, that I know a Knave by his looks, therefore I desire you all there below to look on me, every one did so, expecting what the Judge would do, who by and by whispering to the Justice that sate next him, at length arose, and said, look you Master Justice, if I am not deceived, yonder fellow with the straw in his beard hath my Purse; all the People stared one upon another, and the Cheat that had the Purse being conscious of his guilt, doubting he was known to the Judge, and that he had a straw in his beard, he lifting up his hand stroaked it to wipe it away, supposing by that means to pass undiscovered, but that discovered him; for the Judge who had a quick eye, and expected that motion, saw, and observed it, thereupon pointed to him, saying, that is he: it was now too late to fly, for the Jaylor soon seized him, and upon search found the Purse in his Pocket. The Purse was given to the Judge, who told out ten shillings to the Jaylor for the Poor mans Fees, and ordered him to discharge him, and in his Room to take away that bold Delinquent that had pick’d his Pocket; he did so, neither did his kinsman contradict him in the open Court, but when he came home he told him all the management, and desired a discharge for the Prisoner; the Judge knowing that it was done but in jest, granted his discharge, and the Kinsmen sent that, and the promised twenty pounds, and Fees for discharge of the Prisoner.

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CHAP. XV.

_The Hostess’s Daughter being courted by an ignorant poetical Lover; he
brings a Soldier with him who becoming intimately acquainted with
Mistress_ Dorothy _relates to her; how he by pretending to be a
Cunning-man and raising a Spirit, had furnished himself, his Landlord
and Landlady with a plentiful Supper, which had been provided at the
Cost of another._

Thus did these Cheats make the best of a bad market, for being at the first obstructed in their designs by their Companions Imprisonment, they were at a loss, and they got little money this bout but what the Judge and his Kinsman gave them, and the people who were present at this bold adventure of picking the Judges pocket on the Bench, were very curious of their own, and for the future had some what more than ordinary to talk of; but mine Host who knew more of the matter than ordinary, made rare sport with this story at his return, and the Shoemaker who hath receiv’d satisfaction for the loss of his Boot, having had money for the other, by mine Hosts appointment sent for the other Shoemaker his fellow Tradesman, and ordinary Charges being deducted, gave him the one half; but mine Host so ordered the matter, that as they began, so they ended in drink, and spent all they had received at our house, and thus ended the adventure of the boots. Mistress _Dorothy_ now stopping, and we thereby finding that she had concluded her discourse, we took the liberty of laughing, and wondring at what she had told us, and therefore desired her to give her self the trouble to relate some more adventures to us, but she told us in plain terms that she had done, and that we were to expect no more from her. I hearing her so peremptory in her reply, told her that we had been very much engaged to her, for the extraordinary pains she had taken in these several relations; but yet I must need add this, that as yet she had not fully performed her promise, for she had promis’d to give us an account of all the family, when as, if I am not mistaken she had said little or nothing of two persons, whom I supposed to be very considerable, and that was the Son and Daughter; and therefore I made it my request to her, that she would recollect her self, and relate to us somewhat of them, because indeed they were a little active while they liv’d at home with their father and mother, but after they went abroad in the world they were very remarkable, (and continued she) since their leaving their father and mother, and my leaving the house were at one and the same time, and one the same occasion I shall now give you an account of it, and then she thus proceeded.

One young Man and Maid living in a house where so much roguery was acted, must needs be well enough experienc’d to act their Parts, but they were so warily looked after by their Mother, that it was almost impossible to exercise their Talent at home, and the young man by reason of the danger of the War, and least he should be taken Prisoner and served as his Father was, was enforced to keep home and ramble but little, but his Sister less, not being permitted to go any way out of the Town. And although many Guests who came to our house saw her, and liked her marvellously well, (for indeed she was handsom) and would have made love to her, yet her Mother knowing the danger by her own experience, watch’d her too narrowly to permit it, and was resolved to use her best endeavor to preserve the Jewel of her daughters maiden-head until she should be lawfully married. She being kept up so strictly had few Suiters, only one in the Town, who was a Farmers Son had a moneths mind to her, and having read the famous History of _Tom Thumb_, and from thence proceeding to _Fortunatus_, and then to the most admirable History of _Dorastus_ and _Fawnia_, was infected with Poetry and Love both at once, and absolutely believing that all he read was really true, did with himself to be as fortunate as _Fortunatus_ himself, and since he could not meet with that blind Lady _Fortune_ to present him with such a Purse, he did however resolve to be as absolute a lover as _Dorastus_; and now nothing to that accomplishment being wanting but a Mistriss who should be his _Fawnia_, he found out our Pretty Mistress _Peggy_ my Hostess’s Daughter (Hers I may boldly call her, but mine Host’s I dare not, the Case being doubtful, by what I have already related to you) a Mistress being found for our Swain, he made some addresses to her, and was permitted by the Mother to more freedom than any, because the youth was not only indifferent handsome, but rich, and mine Hostess was pretty free that they should strike up a match together; I was still desired to keep Company with these Lovers, but I had much ado to forbear laughing outright when I heard his Courtship, all his language was Stuff stoln out of the books he had read; and when he was answered by Mistress _Peggy_, or any question propounded by me to him in any ordinary or different Dialect, he was as deaf as a Bell-founder, and was not able to answer us; I being resolved to make sport with him, told him that I thought he would do mainly well if he would apply his fancy to writing of Poetry, and as an essay I advised him to write a Letter to Mistress _Peggy_ in Verse, he thanked me for my advice, and desir’d my friend-ship and said that he would go immediately home and exercise himself in Poetry, and so he said, and so he did, for behold the next morning Mistress _Peggy_ received a Letter from him, which we both read and laugh’d at, for it was so foolishly forced, conceited, and nonsensical that have I much ado to remember the words, but having often repeated them, I shall now relate them to you.

Madam,

_Ever till I saw thee my heart was still at rest,
Little did I think one Female could have pierc’t
Either Heart or Bowels, that on thee doth waste,
So sad all faint and feeble grow within my brest;
Alas, it is pity that sorrow to me should come,
For to tell you the truth as yet I am but very young,
And to express my self I want a better tongue;
But I can truly and sadly say that only you
Are she that hath brought me to grief and sorrow too
Brave Vertues that are in this lovely Damsel found
At the first sight gave my poor heart a desperate wound.
You have my sences very much decay’d
With love, that at one time they will be all dismai’d
Long of the tender love that to you I do bear,
Even now I will make and end my only Dear._

Your true Lover,

_L. M._

We all laughed heartily at this non-sensical stuff, and I told mistress _Dorothy_ that sure she was mistaken in the recital of these verses, and that they were to be said backwards, for that wayes that she repeated them I discovered the humour of our Poetical Lover, and Mistress _Peggy_ by my directions returned him this answer.

Amorous Friend,

_Tis much you should receive two infections at once, the one Love, the other Poetry, but it is not very strange since they commonly accompany one another, but i’le assure you ’tis dangerous, for you know the old_ Proverb, _that sad are the effects of_ Love and Pease Porridge; _and besides Poetry is commonly attended with Poverty, but after a strict perusal of your poetick Fancies, I find there is no great danger in your poetick infection, for unless you improve your self mightily it will be a long time e’re you be a compleat Poet, and since your Poetry and Love came together, it will be as long e’re you be a compleat Lover; now if you have still a mind to prosecute these two Designs, of Love and Poetry, I advise you to make use of some other more fit and sublime object that may raise your fancy to a higher pitch of eloquence, or at least wise sense, as you have been in verse. I return this answer to you in prose, and as you like this you may prosecute your Designs of Love and Poetry, with some other Object, but I pray give no more trouble to_

Your Frind,

_M. S._

This to the best of my remembrance was the answer to our Lovers poetical Letter, and although what we writ might have been enough to have dashed the designs of any other, yet our Lover came very confidently that evening, and thanked his Mistress for receiving his Letter, and answering it; telling her that he did acknowledge he had not as yet any great Skill in Poetry, but he had written his best, and intended and hoped in the next to mend it, and so he proceeded in his troublesome Love-Suit. Our Cook-maid coming into the room where we were, and having seen the Love Letter, it being made no secret, told us that she had a Love Letter sent her not long since, which in her opinion was better than that; and we believing that there must be somewhat in it worth the seeing, commanded her to fetch it, and giving it into my hands, I read these words.

_Madam_,

_I Hope the Brains of your Beauty being boyl’d in the Kettle of Kindness with the Beef of Bounty, may at length prove a dish for my dyet, so that the Marrowbone of your Maidenhead being crack’d with the Chopping-knife of my Courage, may upon the Trencher of Truth declare how I love you; let not the minc’d meat of Modesty baked in the Oven of Hatred in the Crust of Coyness cause my Denial, lest the Dagger of Death being drenched in the Barrel of my Blood may with the Spiggot draw forth the Liquor of my Life._

Yours more than his own,

_T. J._

This Letter pleas’d me more than the former, and I told her that her Sweet-heart was ingenious and witty, for he had courted her in her own language, and made use of such words she understood, and that in my opinion it was far better to do so than to be altogether so poetical as to make mocks of their Mistresses by comparing their fore-heads to Alablaster, their eyes to Diamonds, their lips to Coral, and such kind of fantastical similies, our Lover was of my opinion, and was so taken with the Cook-maids Letter that he desired to copy it, and so he did; and while he was thus employed, I remembred that I had a paper of verses that would employ all his senses to understand, and it may be puzzle him; and therefore fetch’d it, and he having copyed the other lines, I shewed him these.

_I saw a Peacock with a fiery Tail
I saw a Blazing star that dropt down Hail
I saw a Cloud begirt with Ivy round
I saw a Sturdy Oak creep on the ground
I saw a Pismire swallow up a Whale
I saw a brackish Sea brim full of Ale
I saw a Venice glass sixteen yards deep
I saw a Well full of mens tears that weep
I saw mens Eyes all on a flaming fire
I saw a House big as the Moon and higher
I saw the Sun all red even at midnight
I saw the man that saw this dreadful sight._

And most dreadful it was indeed, said our Lover, if it were true, but however (continued he) the Verses are very good, and I pray let me have a copy of them; which I permitted him to take; and he read them over, and over again without understanding the Mystery, but the more he read, the more he seemed to wonder at the strangeness of the several sights, and said, sure this is impossible, not at all, said I, and if you will lay ten shillings to be spent, I will make it out to you before you go, that all that is there written is very true, and that I have seen it all myself. I cannot believe it, replyed he, and I am content to lay the wager, provided Mistress _Peggy_ may be the Judge. Content, said I, and so the money was laid in her hands, and then I took up the paper and began to read thus: _I saw a Peacock_, and there I made a stop, and said, do you believe that? If you do not, I can shew you one in the yard: Ay, but said he, the Verse is, _I saw a Peacock with a fiery Tail_, and that is the wager: no, said I, you must stop when you have red _I saw a Peacock_, and then go on, _with a fiery Tail I saw a blazing Star_; and I am sure that I have seen that too, for blazing Stars have all fiery Tails: that is true, replyed he, but I did not mean to read it so: tis no matter how you meant, said I, but what I read is true, and by vertue of that I suppose I shall win the wager, but however I proceeded, and read; _That dropt down Hail I saw a Cloud; Begirt with Ivy round I saw a a sturdy Oak; Creep on the ground I saw a Pismire, Swallow up a Whale I saw a Brackish Sea; Brim full of Ale I saw a Venice Glass_: And so I read on to the end of the Verses, still making a full stop in the middle of the verse, where the sense required it; thus making sense of the impossible nonsense: by this time our Lover saw he was likely to lose his Wager, but however he cavelled at my thus reading it, and said, I ought to stop only where the rhime ended; but all that he said signified nothing, for his Mistress did me the justice to award me the Wager, and accordingly gave me my money, and kept the other twenty shillings to be spent; neither was the Poetical Lover much displeased, for he had a very high esteem of the Lines he had, protesting he would not part with them for forty shillings, and he questioned not but he should win much money by Wagers he would lay about them, and being thus satisfied he left us, promising the next night to return, and then expecting a Colation for the ten shillings he had lost; and so we were rid of our poetical Lover till the time appointed; which being come, he likewise came and brought with him a young man, a Soldier that belong’d to the Garrison in our Town; I knew the man by sight, for he was very remarkable, it being the general report that he was a Cunning-man and could tell fortunes, and our Lover brought him to give his oppinion, whether he should have mistress _Peggy_ or not. We gave him the ordinary welcome, he coming in company with our Lover we were the more free with him, who demeaned himself so well that I had a more than ordinary respect for him, and told him he should be welcome at any other time; and so our Colation being ended, we for that time parted; but in short time after he came again, and being as he said, much taken with my company, desired to take all opportunities of waiting on me: I seeing no harm in him, and finding that he was none of the pitifull sort of fellows, but that he was handsom, witty, and above all things that he wore money in his Pocket, permitted him frequently to visit me, and it was not long e’re I grew into such familiarity with him, that I obliged him to shew me so much of his Skill as to tell me my Fortune; he was surprized at this proposition and made many Excuses, but I grew to that height in my importunitie that I wearied him; at length he told me that although all the Town had been mistaken in him yet I should not, and that if I pleased he would undeceive me, and in short he told me that it was a mistake to think that he was skillfull either in Astrology or Magick, and although he had gained some moneys by pretending to be knowing in that mystery, yet it was no such matter: I supposing that he only said this to excuse himself, still importuned him in such manner, that I brought him to this: that provided I would promise him secrecy, he would discover his whole secrets to me, and thereby make it absolutely appear that the Town was mistaken: I being desirous of hearing Novelties, engaged to perform all he desired, and thereupon he thus began.

* * * * *

Madam, in the discourse I shall make you, I shall be forced to discover not only my own secrets, but also those of another, the most eminent of this Town, and were it not to you, and onely to you, I should not do it for any consideration whatsoever, for it is the secrets of a woman of the best quality, and therefore you may be justly angry with me for so doing, but my respects, & indeed my love to you is so great, that I shall not stop at any obstacles to perform anything you require; & withal I pray do not think, that since I am so easie to discover one womans secrets, and that of such eminency and one to whom I am so much obliged, that I should, or may at one time or another, serve you in the like manner. No Madam (said he) assure your self of the contrary, for although the woman I am to speak of be so eminent, indifferently handsom, and one to whom I am so much obliged, yet my acquaintance with her began after a strange manner, and it was a kind of necessity that first induced her to permit me the freedom I enjoy with her; whereas on the contrary, the respects I have for you are of another nature, for my inclination and affection induce me to pay you all manner of service, which I am confident will be very lasting. He having made this plausible speech, thus proceeded.