Chapter III: Part 3

_Insatiate Strumpet; perjur’d-painted-Whore,
Who hast the vice of all thy Sex, and more,
Devil, nay worse; for thou canst by thy face
Make Men Apostate in the State of Grace.
By thee I fell; then did my_ Pagan _knee
Oft render Worship to thy Devilree.
I (being converted) Idols won’t allow;
Down must the_ Dagon _of thy face I vow.
See where it lyes; that Idol, once ador’d,
Must be for want of it, by all abhor’d.
Thy Husband lends an Ear, then let thy Nose,
To_ Sister-Sense _her wretched State disclose.
And then consult thy Glass; See thy fare face
Is vanisht, and Deaths-head stands in the place.
Thy lips some_ Nectar _sipt from I suppose
Will be exclaim’d on, fogh, they want a Nose.
And may thy sparkling eyes, which me did win,
Be thought to kindle from a fire within.
May ulcers seize thee, for the wrong th’ast done,
And living rott, without compassion._

The rumour of this sad disaster ran swifter than a Torrent through the Town; insomuch that our house was so cram’d with People, that our servants were forc’d to acquit their imployments, to give room to the inquisitive In-comers, a chirurgeon was sent for to dress my Husband; & a Coroner to sit upon the other two that were slain; glad I was, that I had the opportune excuse to leave the Company; and attend my Husband; by which means I avoided the hearing so many thousand accrimations that were laid to my charge. In the meantime the Jury found their Deaths hapned by Man-slaughter: and so thereby though we were present, we could not be found accessories.

The noise of this accident did also flye into the Countrey, not escapeing the ear hardly of any one Guest that frequented our House; report had rendred the Fact so horrible, and my Husband and Self so notoriously accessory thereunto, and now all our former wickedness, and roguery was drawn up in a long Scrol, and this last added in Capitals, to make up a compleat Sum of Villany. By which means we had little resort to our House; and our House-rent being great, and our Trading small, my Husband and I were now necessitated to put our heads together, by some other means to patch up a future lively-hood. Thou seest, said he, the more serious, and reputable sort of People, shun our house, as if old _Belzebub_ were there sitting abrood to hatch those diseases which should be the destruction of the Universe. And therefore to be revenged of their thus slighting us, I will meet them abroad, and what moneys they forbear to spend with me, I will compel them to lend, and more. Though I am not stout and resolute enough of my self to do this, yet thou knowest _Humphrey_ our Tapster, is a strong Fellow, and hath a good heart; he and I, fear not, will do the business.

For my part, I must needs confess, I question’d not _Humphrey’s_ performances, having made tryal again thereof; I ever fancyed to try experience, and marking what a rough-hew’n Fellow he was, all Bone and Sinew, with a face like a tann’d Bulls hide, I could not be at quiet, till I had found the difference between this Man, nerv’d with wire, and others, that were clean limb’d, and streight slender bodyed joynted like _Bartholomew Babies_, with quaking Custard faces; but so vast a disproportion between them, that were I Widdow; and were courted by a Knight worth five thousand pounds a year, with a handsom fair whitely face, I should hardly be perswaded to accept of a Lady-ship, but for the sake of his revenew.

To be short, Sir _Philip Sidney’s_ Cowards were not much ranker than my Husband; but, thought I, if he hath courage enough to look a Man in the face, and bid him stand, _Humphrey_ hath strength, and valour enough to compel them to deliver. Wherefore I perswaded my Husband by all means to go forward with what he had propounded: I was the more willing to it, in hopes that he would be taken some time or other; and as he was marked for a Knave, so he might be hang’d for a Thief; and so be freed from an impotent Husband. He seemed well satisfied that I assented to his proposal, and look’d upon it to be a good Omen, and promised success to his undertaking. On the other side (said he) you must not be idle at home; you know there is now none but the debauched that resort to our house, and therefore suit their inclination, if ought can be gotten by so doing. Your daughter is young, and handsom, let her be the sign to attract; but pray let me have you furnish your self with other Utensils. The Boy too is no fool, who, by observing your carriage, and direction, hath very ill spent his time, if he cannot tolerably pimp as well for others, as his Mother. Well, well, (said I) husband, you are merrily disposed; look after your business, I shall manage my own well enough, I warrant you. My Husband and his Tapster, committed many robberies in a little time: and very few but what were on our Guests; who freely discoursing their affairs over a glass of Wine after Supper, many times discovering what store of money they carried with them, and for what purpose, gave them a fair opportunity in the Morning to set on them, and deprive them of it. Nay, so little suspected he was of robbing, that several have returned to our house after he hath robb’d them, and made their complaint to him, how basely they had been abused; it was alwayes his care, and indeed therein he shewed the utmost of his prudence, to return home with all the speed he might possibly, after he had rob’d any; by which means, he and his Man rob’d a long time secretly.

It was generally their good fortune to meet with such as durst not fight them; a thing that Travellers generally, and justly, are to be condemned for; who, with easie parting with their money, they not only shew how meanly spirited they are, but encourage the Thief in his robberies. Whereas, on the contrary, would they shew themselves as desperate, and as resolute as their assaulters, it is my opinion they would quickly turn tail, as not daring to venture the hazard of the dispute. But to return, though my Husband succeeded so well in his attempts, by meeting with none but Cow-hearted fellows; yet once, waiting with his man in a thicket, earely in the morning, for the passing by of a Gentleman that had lain the night before in our house, who had a considerable Sum of Money, in his Port-mantle, there travelled by another in the dawning of the day, whom, by a mistake, my husband assaults; the other drawing a Pistol, fired it at him, but mist him; however, the report had like to have done as much mischief, as if the bullet had past through his body, for with fear he fell from his horse; and had like to have saved the Hangman a labour, by breaking his own neck. Our Tapster seeing his Master fall, and verily believing he was kill’d by that was resolved to revenge his death, had not he seen another come Rideing to him (which was the Gentleman they lay in wait for) which made him altar his purpose, and ride away, for the preservation of his own life. The Gentleman supposing too, that he had really dispatcht this Pad, not seeing him move all this while (which he confest to me afterwards, he politickly did, to the intent he might be exempted from fighting, and securely see the event of the Combat: the other two that came to his assistance judg’d the same, and advised him to ride away with all speed to the next Justice; not only to avoid the present danger, for (said he) this other Rogue is rid away but to get some more of his fellows, to make a further attempt) but you will also receive the thanks of the Country, for destroying such Caterpillars, that eat up the Fruit of their Land. Setting Spurrs to their Horses away they Gallopt, to find out the next Justice; my Husband perceiving they were gone, got up, and mounting rode full speed home, without so much as once looking behind him. Coming home, he found me almost drown’d in tears, and half frighted out of my wits; not so much for sorrow of his death (which news I had privately sent me by our Tapster) but for fear, as soon as it should be known who this slain Thief was, I should have my goods instantly siezed on, and my doors shut up. I was in a Room by my self, getting some Plate together, with other choice portable things; and coming to the stair head, with an intent to convey them out of the house, met with my Husband full butt; whose face being pale and wan, by reason of his late great fear, possest me with so strong a conceit, that this was his Ghost, that the fright made me skreek out, and letting fall what I had in my Apron, I retreated. This sudden surprize so amazed him, that he stood indeed like an apparition at the Chamber-door, and had not the power to come in: this increast my belief, however, I pluckt up my Spirits, and boldly askt him, what he was, and what he came for? He sneakingly, in a low voyce, (for he was more than half dead) answered, he was my Husband, and that he came to see me. My Husband, said I is dead; and if thou be his damn’d Ghost, I conjure thee, by all that is good, presently depart, and trouble me not now, since whilst living, I could never be content, nor at quiet for thee. Not speaking one word, he turn’d his back upon me, and went down stairs. I never believed my self a Conjurer till now (although I have been called Witch a thousand times) and indeed I knew not what to think of it, (comparing altogether) whether this was a phantasm, or not, but troubling my thoughts no further about that matter, I took up what I had dropt, and getting into the yard, would have march’d off with what I had in my lap, had he not hastened after me, and holding me fast by the arm, told me, that he was not quite dead, though almost frightned out of his life, and therefore begg’d me I would not remove any thing that might tend to his prejudice; and if I would walk in, he would tell me his whole morning Adventure.

The two Gentlemen coming to the Justice, amply declared what an eminent piece of Service they had done their Country, by killing on the place one Padder, and putting to flight another; and that if his Worship pleased to Summon a quantity of the Parish, to defend them if occasion should require, they would shew them the place where the dead lay. Hereupon there were a great many that offered themselves freely to go along; but coming to the place, found neither man, nor horse, nor the sign of one drop of blood. The Countrey People finding themselves thus abused, and not knowing what the design of these two Gentlemen might be, in putting such a trick upon them, laid hold on them, and carried them back to the Justice; who being informed that there was not the least appearance of what had pretendedly been done, askt them the reason, why they thus abused themselves and others, with meer forgeries: to which they both replyed, that their eyes had seen what their tongues related, and concluded, that other padders, confederate with this, had carried off the Body of their Brother, that they might avoid suspition. The Justice and others were of the same opinion, and so the Gentlemen were dismist.

Our Tapster hearing that his Master was in health, returned home, resolving for the future, never to hazard his life with so great a peice of cowardize; and to speak the truth, it was high time to leave off, since they were shrewdly suspected by the whole Town to be High-way men, they being seen so often together on Horse-back, both early and late. My Trade however diminisht not, for I was taken notice of, all the Country round, to be a dealer in secrets, and ready money commodities; nay, there were not a few honest mens wives, that would not stick to trust me in the disposal of the whole _Cargo_ of their reputation. Nay, I was so excellent at my art, that neither Privateer, nor Publican would act any difficult matter without my advice. I could Pimp, if occasion served most incomparably; and I was lookt upon as the best _Procuress_ in all our Countrey; which I would not have been, but that I was so much tyred with my daily, nay, hourly Visitants; for though Age and Time have conspired to ruine the glories of my face, I can assure you, the remains may inform any they were good. Being so generally noted not only for my beauty, but my art in _Pandarizing_, a Song was composed on me by some riming _Doggril_ or other, which I will sing you thus, and so finish the Story of my former lifes actions,

1. _At the Sign of the_ Swan
_There liveth a man,
I go not about to deceive you;
Ten thousand to one,
If you come, he is gone,
That his Wife may the better receive you._

2. _Lovely brown is her hair,
Her face comely fair,
Her waste you may span, ’tis so slender;
Negro black are eyes,
Passing white are her thighs,
All the allurements of_ Venus _attend her._

3. _Her Twins of delight,
(Which are alwayes in sight)
Her breasts which are whiter than snow,
By their panting do beat
An Alarm to the feat,
To combate her Lovers below._

4. _With her smiles she invites
To taste her delights;
Which I would, if I durst so presume;
But I fear she hath fires
Which will quench my desires,
But my body to ashes consume._

5. _She’s an excellent_ Pimp,
_The_ Devils _best_ Imp;
_She’s a_ Bawd, _she’s a whore, that’s too common
If you intend for to fly
Hells flames, come not nigh;
She’s a thing, that is worse than a_ Woman.

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CHAP. VI.

_Mrs._ Dorothy _goes with her new Acquaintance, who perswades her to
accommodate a barren Gentlewoman a friend of hers, with her child, as
soon as born. A character of this Gentlewoman, and her amorous
practices: the manner of her being rob’d by one of her Gallants; he is
apprehended and executed. Mrs._ Dorothy _is delivered of a Boy, who is
made Heir to a great Estate, and she highly rewarded for her consent._

The Old Woman having thus finisht her Story, she addrest her self to me, saying, Dear Heart, you see how free I have been with you, not concealing from your knowledg any one remarkable passage of my life, though never so infamous or scandalous. I, and though our acquaintance is very young, yet put your confidence in me, and question not, but that I shall so assist you in the management of your concerns, that you shall have cause to thank me as long as you live. Hereupon she acquainted me, that there was a Gentleman (not far off) well known to her, that had been married a dozen years and upwards to a very beautiful, and well proportion’d Gentlewoman; yet had no issue by her; that for want of an Heir, the Estate after his decease would fall to the younger Brother; that it was a very great grief to the Gentleman, but especially to his Wife; and (said she) this Gentlewoman knowing me to be a person fit to be advised withal about matters of this nature, often sent for me to her house, where some years since, I counselled her to make trial, whether she or Husband was in fault; in order thereunto I have helpt her at times to the enjoyment of at least a score of several lusty young Persons. And because I would take the surest way, she never had more than one at one time, and him neither not above a quarter of a year together; he then frustrating our expectations, I counsell’d her to make tryal of another. The first I made choice of for her, was a proper young flaxen-hair’d man, tall and slender; a delicate young man he was indeed, whose complexion (being Sanguine) furnished him with more heat than is in any other temperature; which made his hair like fine threads of Gold, twirl in rings, or rather you might call them the lines and hooks with which the little wanton God of love did usually angle for female hearts; had you seen them, you would have sworn that they were sufficient to catch the heart of a _Vestal-Maiden_, or the most resolved _Votaress to Chastity_, that ever had a being. His eyes, quick and nimble, and penetrateing; he had a strong fancy, a quick invention, and a most incomparable utterance; and his carriage and deportment was incredible winning; whose single touch of the hand was sufficient to have thaw’d the most congealed-frozen temper in the world into affection. Notwithstanding all these allurements, and feir promising properties with near upon an half years mutual converse with each other, she found her expectations frustrated.

Being resolved to make further tryal (for she would not be convinc’d that she was either defective or barren,) she consulted me, how she might be rid of this her amorous Hot-spur, and have some other in his place, of a different constitution; alleadging that she being of the same complexion, she verily believed her impregnancy proceeded thence; saying further, that she had heard several, as Well Physitions as others strongly affirm, that the grand reason, why several Women have no children, was the too near affinity of their husbands complexion and constitution to their own; and that on the other side, none more infallible enjoy’d the fruits of their labours, the offspring of their bodies, than such, whose corporal temperaments were dissimilar or different.

Understanding her humour, I was resolved to comply with her in whatsoever she desired (being so profitable a friend to me) but I knew not how to displace her Sanguine complexion’d Gallant, who grew by this time a most passionate Lover; at length I bethought me to perswade him to sollicite her waiting Gentlewoman, making him believe that she was ardently in love with him, and that she had a good Sum by her, which would infallibly be at his devotion; my credulous young Gamester greedily swallowed my advice, and followed to a hair my dictations; having won her (for I know not who could withstand him) he came to me, and informed me of the time, and place, that he should commence those delights they intended to continue as long as life lasted; being joyful of this opportunity, I presently addrest my self to my Mistris, giving an account to her of her friends new courtship, and when it should be consumated; advising her to watch them, and catch them in the act, by which means she should be freed from his future addresses, and likewise confirm her Maids secresie and fidelity to her. All which she performed, by threatning her Maid to turn her away, and shame her to boot, if ever she associated her self, or entertained him again in her house; and calling him false, faithless man, and I know not what, banisht him for ever from her presence for his unconstancy.

The next Dick I pickt up for her was a man of a colour as contrary to the former, as light is to darkness, being swarthy; whose hair was as black as a sloe; middle statur’d, well set, both strong and active, a man so universally tryed, and so fruitfully succesful, that there was hardly any female within ten miles gotten with child in hugger-mugger, but he was more than suspected to be Father of all the legitimate. Yet this too, proved an ineffectual Operator. She now began to suspect herself of barrenness; but being prompted with hopes, and strangely induced by the sense of pleasure which she reapt in the variety of her amorous Confidents, she resolved on a third, a Gentle-man of her own election, who having been a considerable time a Student in the Inns of Court, was returned into the Country, to enjoy that plentiful estate his lately deceas’d father had left him, the antient Seat of his Ancestors; of stature so low, that he could but just take the upper-hand of a dwarf, being only elevated by the pole above him. She was fain at first to Court him, instead of his courting her: and indeed, I could not see how he could presume (without her encouragement) to caress a Gyantess, so much taller than himself.

There was not so great a disproportion in their bodies, as there were conformity and agreeableness in their wills; and that the Soul of his which was coopt up, and confined within too narrow limits, became more active and vigorous; so that attacking her with a lively and sprightful courage possessed himself of the garrison without a tedious siege of a 12 months courtship, his hair was of a darkish brown, or chest-nut colour, not handsome enough to be a woman, yet too fair to be a man. Though he was not tall, yet nature exprest no irregularity in his formation: being symmetrical, or proportionably composed from the lines of his face you might have collected Capital Letters enough to have spelt a Gentleman; and not an action, or expression of his (excepting this of his too intimate familiarity with another mans wife) which did not largely declare the immensity of his Soul, and the virtues that thereunto belonged.

So dearly she loved him, (that notwithstanding he did not answer her expeditions in making her Belly swell) she so doted on his Company, and converse, that she gave her husband too many palpable causes to suspect her honesty, and integrity towards him. Not, but that for the sake of an Heir, (which he question’d whether he should ever get himself) he would be content to wink (as he hath done several times) at the freedome his wife hath taken with several others besides himself. But looking on my little dapper squire to be to little for that purpose, and that would come short home, as to that business, took an occasion to affront him, that it might produce a quarrel, that should eloign him from his house, and further intimacy with his wife. However, though he had low and undervaluing thoughts of this Gentleman, by reason of his stature, yet he found him in field, full as tall as himself in true valour, being (as we say) mettle to the back. It was the hap of this Gentleman to be desperately wounded by the lesser, and so dangerously, that it was supposed his wounds would end all the future differences between them; however recovering this Combate separated them eternally.

My Mistris was so well acquainted with the loss of her Gallants, that she was not much troubled to be deprived of the society of this last; but all her trouble was, to get another in his room. Shee applyed her self to me again, her undeceiving Oracle, and received her accustomed comfort, that in a little time I would procure her another, that should out-throw the rest, at least a Barrs length; I was not long in the procuration; for there was a Gentleman that frequented our House, who spent his money very freely, yet had not a foot of land, neither had he any trade, or tools, but the high way, sword and pistol to bring him in a lively hood. He was a lusty well set man, and red-hair’d; a complexion that hath often gone through-stich. I had often tryed him my self, and therefore I could the better recommend him to a friend. One day (his stock being low, and he at that time in our house) he desired me to lend him half a peice. I being glad of this opportunity, told him I would, and withall desired to confer with him in private; he joyfully accepted my motion, thinking I had some secret design to take my accustomed use for the loan; but he was strangly surprized, and even distracted with excessive joy, when he heard me tell him, what a Mistris I had provided for him; that he should have his belly full of sporting, & be liberally paid for it too. We appointed the day when I should introduce him into his new Mistriss’s acquaintance, but with this condition, that I should share with him in his gettings. It was concluded on, and he possest of his Treasure, to the full content of them both. My House was now his constant receptacle, or dormitory, but when he was in the embraces of his mistress; and he was very honest in giving me my share, my half part, and commonly spent the rest (to my advantage) of what he had received; and to the intent the more might come into my pocket, I advised her by all means not to starve his service, but incourage him often with sums of money; urging moreover, that the poor Gentleman could not but be at great charges in maintaining himself in a strange place, exiling himself freely from his own habitation, to be near at her Command; beside the great expence he is daily at in costly broths, jellies, with other provocatives, or restorers of decai’d nature.

I needed not to have tempted her to liberality, she being naturally prone thereunto; always extravagantly rewarding kindnesses of this nature. She began now to grow very pensive, and unusually melancholy, to see all her swelling hopes thus dasht; and was not so sociable as she used to be with her friend; which gave him some cause to suspect her inconstancie, or that she would speedily desert him, and accept some other; which put him on the contrivance to save something, that might be a support to him, if his sallary should fail, or at leastwise keep him alive, till his Country-Contributions, or padding incomes should supply his profuse, and unnecessary expences.

When ever he came, she entertain’d him with such an undeserved franckness, that she concealed nothing from him, that might either please his fancie, or satisfie his curiosity. Understanding she was admirable at her Needle, he desired her to shew him some pieces of her art, that he might by the applauding of the one admire the other. She readily condescended to what he propounded; being glad he had demanded a thing which came within the verge of her power to please him withal. Opening a large Cypress-Chest, she shew’d him great variety of excellent pieces of her own hand-working; and withal he discovered several bags cramm’d with other pieces, which he had a greater minde to handle; which I conceiv’d she shew’d him out of meer ostentation, telling him withal, that as long as one penny was in them his pockets should not be unfurnisht with money; and that when all those bags were emptied, her Husbands annual estate would quickly fill them again, and six times as many.

This assurance of having his constant stipend continued, prevailed not in the least on this Caret-pated villains ingrateful designs; but he resolved, with the first opportunity, to make himself Master of those sums, although he knew he must unavoydably lose his Mistress thereby; the next morning she sent for him, to acquaint him, that her Husband was gone some twenty miles off, and that he would not return in five days, having 300 _lib._ to receive of such a man, naming the place where he lived. This damn’d Dog, hearing this, caper’d for joy, which the poor Innocent believed, proceeded from his thinking what a long time he had to enjoy his Mistress uncontroulably: whereas it was otherwise, for now he knew how to kill two Birds with one stone.

However, that she might not mistrust him as guilty of any treachery, he behaved himself so pleasantly and his Caresses were so agreeable, that his Mistress esteem’d her self the happiest woman in the world, in the enjoyment of the person of so facetious, and most accomplisht Lover; nay, so fond she was of his company, that she was resolved to make the most of him in her husbands absence; and therefore caused him to lie in the house, not induring him out of her sight, till the day before her husbands returne; at which time he walkt out: what feastings, junketings and jollitings together there were in that time, none are better able to conceive than such who, with their large purses, have inlarged hearts, caring not how dear the purchase is, so that the pleasure be great, though not of two minutes lasting. You must understand, that I went snips with him in these delights, as well as in his profits; I had a liquorish tooth still in my head, and therefore would not be out of call, to participate with them in their Viands, and Banquetings; Indeed, I was ever an excellent smell feast.

The day (wherein he went abroad, as I told you) was the cursed time in which he procured assistants, to carry on his hellish plot, which had like to have proved my utter ruine. It seems he appointed them about four of the clock in the evening to come to the Gentlewomans house, where (as before) we were all making merry; and knowing the strength of the house, there being never a man at home, the Groom being gone with his Master, and only a foot-boy left, he appointed only two that should manage the design beside himself; who knocking at the gate, and the foot-boy opening it to them, they instantly seiz’d him, both binding, and gagging him. Having bolted the Gate, they advanced into the house, and seemingly very peaceful, they mounted the stairs, having secured those who were below in the same manner, as they had done the boy; as soon I saw two men now entring the Chamber, where we were, I then concluded that we were betrai’d, and that the principal Traytor was our supposed friend; I hereupon opened as wide as my jaws would give me leave; which one of the rogues perceiving, clapt a gag within my mouth, and so kept them at that gaping distance, the Rogues might have had some consideration before they had served me thus, as knowing I had few teeth to barricadoe my gums from the injury they might receive from that confounded instrument which stretcht my mouth asunder.

The good Gentlewoman, seeing how barbarously they handled me, did not question they would exercise the like cruelty next on her; to prevent which, she fell on her knees, beseeching them not to abuse her, and throwing them the keyes of what they lookt for, bid they take what they pleased. Her accursed Villain had the impudence to view the tears run down her lovely cheeks, without the least remorse, or pity on a soul so dearly loved him, he only raised her with his hands, assuring her, she should receive no other injurie than the loss of what money she shewed him, and his eternal happiness; for I know Madam (said he) how insatiate you are, how variable, how changeable upon the slightest occasion; I am not insensible what variety you have already tyred (the more to blame me that imforced him;) and how many more you intend, may be sufficiently drawn from your unsatisfied humour, and inconstant nature. And now if you love your life, stir not till we are gone; and thank our lenity, that we have not secured you other-wayes. Taking up the money, every one carrying a part; hold (said one) we have forgot something yet, that Ladies hands must be tyed, least she ungag that serious and now silent Matron there: her hands and legs must be tyed too, lest she talk or walk to fright us. Having so done, come now let us go (said the Red headed Traytor) it is high time, lest that old witch swallow on of us; don’t you see how she gapes? God b’you (good Madam) you are bound to be constant now; dear Partner (pointing to me) farewell, I thank you for your procuration money, and so away they went; in less than half an hour the Gentlewoman had with her teeth set her hands at liberty, which soon gave my hands, feet, and tongue the like, and discending the stairs, we found the maids, and boy bound, and gagg’d; having loos’d them she whisper’d her boy in the ear, I knew not what, but it was to fetch a Constable, which he did in an instant; and whilst I was condoleing my Friends loss, and misfortune, I was apprehended by her command, and conveyed to Goal, there to bewail my own too rigid fate.

I cannot much blame her suspition of me, since there were arguments too many, and strong enough to perswade her I could not be innocent, and therefore what ever I alledged in my justification stood for a Cypher. I sent for my husband, with many other friends, but none of them could prevail with her from sending me to Prison; seeing there was no remedy, I was resolved to endure my confinement as patiently as I could.

These three rogues had their horses not far off, ready sadled, which they mounting, rode directly in that road where they were sure to meet their prize; and as the Devil would have it, they waited not two hours, before they could perceive two riding directly towards them, and soon after could discern them to be the Gentleman and his groom; the first of an undaunted resolution, but weakly, by reason of a Chronical distemper, that had a long time afflicted him; his man, by his bulk, shape and looks, appeared like one that could teach a _Guy of Warwick_ to fight, and give a president of such a valour, as only became a _Royal Champion_ to own. The Gentleman was first commanded to stand and deliver, which he did, but it was a Pistol, which he discharged without any execution; they fired at him again; and wounding him in the sword arm, he dropt his sword, and whilst he was submitting to their disposal, his man sets spurs to his horse, and most valiantly ran for it; getting to the top of a little hill, not far distant, where turning his horse head, most manfully about, he had the confidence to look on, whilest the Thieves robb’d his Master.

The gentleman seeing himself thus deserted by this lubberly-cowardly Hog driver was ready to burst with anger; but knew not how to come at him to be revenged; and therefore begg’d the robbers, in lieu of what money they had taken from him, to do him the kindness, to baste his man soundly that stood on yonder hill, as a meer looker on. I, _I_, said the one, _I_ will give you that satisfaction presently my self alone, and so setting spurs to his horse, rode up to him, and complemented him no otherwise at first, than with the flat of his sword, which notwithstanding made his sides and shoulders smart to some purpose; this great looby took all this with incredible patience; but the Pad by chance cutting him; nay, now said he, flesh and blood is not longer able to endure; and with that drew a broad two egg’d Scotch-sword, and handled it so well, that he cut this fellow off his horse presently; the other two seeing their fellow over-matcht, advanced with all speed, and both assaulted him at once: but he seeing them approach, and being now blooded, made ready to receive them by drawing a Pistol, which he fired so luckily, that the shot deprived him of one of his enemies more, and he had now no inequality of number to oppose him. Success had so flesht him, that he fought more like a Devil, than a man, laying about him backwards, and forwards; so that he disinabled the third, which was the first Plotter. Had his Master been able to fight, and there had been as many more against him, he so behaved himself, that there was no work for any to do but himself. Thus did this one man, who had never fought before (and therefore like an horse, knew not his own strength till it was tryed) conquer three, that were accounted Cocks of the _Hectors_.

The Gentlemen searching their Portmancicks, and finding 400 _lib._ was amazed at so considerable a purchase; and securing it, with this surviving Rogue, and their Horses, rode directly to the next Justice; where leaving the Booty in his hands for the present, the Prisoner had his _mittimus_ drawn up, and was sent to the same Gaol his Landlady, the Hostess was in. Notwithstanding all those disguizes he made use of to seem another man, he was known by me, and received from me a whole broad side of just reproaches; which had like to have sunk him deeper, than the pressures of his present misfortunes could do. What (said I) did you not live too much at your ease? had you not but too much plenty, which took you off those desperate courses, or might have done, which would without doubt have brought you to the Gallowes in the end; but having so little regard to your own wellfare, I could not expect much from you as to mine; though gratitude might have commanded you to have studyed my preservation, although you should hourly hazard your own. Instead of applying smooth, and soothing answers (which might have been as Cordials, or Balsom to my wounded mind) he gave me this corrasive, this Choak-pear, that if I would not hold my clack, which dinn’d his ears worse than the Catarachts of _Nile_, he would declare before the Bench, upon his tryal, that he would never have done so foul a fact, but by my instigation; and that if I held not my tongue, he assured me, that (since he knew that it was impossible for him to escape with life) he loved me so well, that I should dye with him, to bear him company in the other world.

Perceiving what his desperate resolution was, I thought good to alter the Scene of my chat, and beg him to be patient; assuring him, that what I had said was not out of any ill will, but to make him sensible how much I was his friend at all times; and that my own imprisonment (for his sake) troubled me not so much, as the danger that he was in; and that he might accuse me, if he pleased, and so endanger my suffering with him; but I charged, withall, his Conscience with my innocencie in, and ignorance of what he and his accomplices had acted, contrary to my privity. It was some comfort to hear him then acknowledge before a great many witnesses, that I was no way accessary to his guilt; and when the Assizes came, he acknowledged upon his Arraignment, that none abetted, or were concerned in what he had done, and there stood arraigned for, but himself and two others, which were slain in the contest. Whereupon I was discharged by Proclamation of Court, none coming in against me; and he received sentence of death, which was accordingly executed three dayes afterward; he then again at the Gallows declaring to the spectators my innocencie in his robbery.

This Confession of his, I thought, would as well reintroduce me into the favour of the abused Gentlewoman, my former friend, as by his suffering death give full satisfaction to her inraged revenge. In order thereunto, after my Gaol delivery, I sent her several Letters to pacifie her passion, and imployed several friends to acquaint her with the reallity of my former fidelity, and present integrity: at length they so far mediated with her in my behalf, that she sent for me (when her Husband was abroad) and in the walks of her Garden, discourst me largely, as to whatever had past between us, or anybody else by my means. And now, said she, this last unhappy and unexpected villany from a friend you procured me, and one I dearly loved, hath tyed up my hands from ever enjoying the like opportunities again. For my Husband finding that the purchase he took from the Thieves was but a Pig of his own Sow, his own money, and knowing the principal Robber to be the Person I often treated at our house with much civility, shrewdly suspects, that I not only consented to the Robbery, but would be easily induced to believe to his death too, were it not for the great loss he knows I should receive by his death if he should dye without issue. However he is much more cautious of me than he used to be, taking his money into his own custody, and he sets a watch over me to observe what company I keep abroad, or entertain in our house: and therefore, if ever you intend to redeem your former credit and estimation with me, study some project how I may carry on the design afore propounded, of having an Heir, that the Estate may not pass to the next Brother. A man I cannot but hate, for several weighty considerations. The crookedness of his disposition, and the unsuitableness of his humour to mine, were sufficient to make me not love him; but his insufferable wicked practises, both against me, and my Husband, make me absolutely detest the very sight of him. When I was first married (quoth she) I thought my self as capable of conception as any she that ever wore a head; & my husband being then healthful, & actively vigorous, soon confirming me, in the opinion of being a teeming woman: It seems I was with child, though I knew it not; and finding a great change and alteration in my body, I was so ignorant, as to believe I was breeding some ill humours, which, if not timely purged away, might ingender a disease that might prove my death. My Husbands Brother (which was wiser than my self in that point) knew very well I was breeding young bones, the growth of which would infallibly lift him out of all his flourishing hopes of enjoying his Brothers Estate; therefore out of a seeming tenderness, and vigilant care of the presevation of my health, followed my own perswations, with his damn’d advice; and at the end I was induc’d to take a vomit to clear my stomack, he telling me, for certain, it might be very foul, since I was so frequently troubled with puking in the morning, and vomiting after Dinner. An Apothecary of his own procuring (with his Devilish instructions) made up the Composition, which, without imagining the least harm, I easily swallowed, which wrought with me so strongly, that, having nothing left within my stomack for it to work on, I thought it would have brought up my very heart within its appurtenances; the Devil of a Physitian all this while seemed to comfort me, by saying, be cheerful, Sister; this will clear you (and so it did of what it should not) and clense you of those malignant humours which so much prejudiced your healthful constitution; and that he might make sure work of me, counselled me to take a purge, and that would carry all downwards, and then my business was done; I poor easie fool, was quickly drawn to it, and the second time swallowed that, which the next day made what I went withal prove abortive.

I had often seen, but more especially heard, that this Doctor was no sooner gone from his Patient, but he was immediatly in the Company of my brother, which made me, with a great deal of good reason, conjecture, they plotted no good together; wherefore I got two Doctors more to visit my Husband, who plainly told me, at the first sight (both agreeing in one opinion) that he was poysoned. Hearing them say so, I could not forbear; but, in the agony of my Spirit, cryed out, I know the Murderers; and their lives shall here, for the loss of his, make satisfaction in part, and in full, by their damnation hereafter. They desired me to be patient, assuring me that they would use their utmost skill to over-power the poyson; and doubtlessly he had dyed, had not these two eminent Artists bestirred themselves to purpose. In a little time they raised him on his feet (which made his former Doctor betake himself to his, having not been heard of by us since;) but they could not assure me how long it would be ere he would be down again; for (said they) he will be an infirm, impotent man, as long as he lives.

If now my hatred to my Husbands Brother be not justly grounded, do you judge; and I hope Heaven will not be offended with me, in finding out some way to disposses him of his hopes, in having the Estate, who rob’d me of my fruitfulness, and would have deprived my Husband of his life.

Madam (said I) there is just now a plot come into my head; which if you please, shall be put in practice, and that is this. Since your Husband is thus infirm, and you barren, this must be the only way, which must crown your desires. I will immediately go upon the search for some young thing with Child, whether she be Wife, nor neither Maid, Wife, nor Widdow, it matters not; whom with large gifts, and larger promises, I will perswade to part with her Child, when born, and you shall lye in with it; let me alone to the management of all; but first, let me find out a Person suitable to our purpose, and I will warrant you to carry on the rest to your full satisfaction. I will instantly for _London_ where I cannot miss of Subjects enough of this sort, out of which I may pick and choose. She liked this proposal so well, that she would not suffer me to stay a minute longer with her, but that I should instantly leave her, and make my self ready for my Journey; and thus far have I travelled in order to the finishing thereof, when I met with so blessed an opportunity, of falling into discourse with you, Dearest Madam, which I hope will tend to both our happinesses, if you will be ruled by me.

Thus, said Mrs. _Dorothy_, I heard the whole relation of her self, and others, with great attention: and thought it was now my Cue to speak, which I did in this manner, not only cautelously, but with much seeming reservedness. Mother (for so, by the disparity of our Age, I make bold to call you) the account you give of your self is so monstrously wicked that I know not whether, with safety, I may interchange any further discourse with you; neither can I but take notice of your subtility, and matchless craftiness, as well as your unparallel’d debauchery, and wantonness; you may very well excuse me, if now I stand on my guard, and wearily entertain a parley with you; since you are known to be an old Souldier in the Wars of _Venus_, and so may fight too cunningly for me, that am but a stripling upon any such account. However make your proposals (and if I may be assured you pump me not to intrap me) as I find them faisable, and profitable for the future, I shall accept them, and be ready to be servicable to you, and your design.

The good old Gentlewoman, as one transported, by hugging me in her Arms, interrupted me, saying; Daughter, mistrust me not in this affair, and try whether I will not in a little time make you as happy as your own wishes can make you; and thereupon asked me how long I had been with Child, and whether I could be content, that, by anothers owning it, the Child hereafter might be owner of an Estate (it seems born to) the tenth part whereof none of my Ancestors ever yet enjoyed.

It is confest, said I, my own weakness, and Female frailty betraid me to unlawful embraces of a handsom young man, whose subtle sollicitations could not be withstood by a Nun, much less by me; and yielding, I now carry both the Sin and the shame of those stolen delights about me, where ever I go. That though it was my ill Fortune thus to lose (by one throw at play, inconsiderately) a thing of that value, my Maiden head I mean, yet it was some comfort to me, that it was a Gentleman of no mean worth that won it; and I question’d not but the off-spring would be like the Father, as well in the comely proportion of the Body, as Gallantry of Mind; being thus fully perswaded it will prove so goodly a Person, it will the more trouble me to part with it to another; that if I should do any such thing it is not for necessity; for, as I had money considerable of my own, before my deluding Lover came acquainted with me; yet, to compensate that single kindness, he hath so showred his Gold and Silver on me since, that my Wealth may procure a Match considerable enough, though my face carryed in it no other invitation. Come, come, Daughter (said the Old Woman) Something hath some savour: and although you have enough, yet more will do no harm; besides your Child will be well look’d after, well provided for (which you may see when you please) and you rid of that incumbrance, will be in a better condition for any one to sollicite you in Marriage. Being thus convinc’d by the subtle Arguments of this cunning Matron, I condescended to whatever she would have me to do; and so without further delay, the next morning we rode together to the House of this old Gentlewoman; where alighting, she had no sooner provided a necessary Room for me, and given order for my Supper, which was extraordinary, but her impatience immediately hurried her to the Gentlewoman, her Friend; and being out of breath, told her, as well as she could, that she had effected the business beyond expectation; but because she would not leave me too long, begg’d her excuse, promising the next morning a full account of all her proceedings. That night was spent in all the jollity imaginable; Fowles of all sorts, and the choicest of the season were provided; Wine flowed so plentifully through every room of the House, that I wonder it did not reel into the streets. I am sure the servants would, had not a noise of Musick held them by the ears, whil’st their Legs caper’d like a pair of Drum-sticks. Although they took but little repose that night, yet my Hostess got up early to wait on her Correspondent, who had not slept that night, for the eager expectation to hear how her desires were accomplisht.

But overjoyed she was, when she saw the old Woman approach, who taking her aside in one of the walks of the garden, askt her how she had sped, and in what manner. The old woman (as much transported with joy as she) have patience, and I will tell you, said she; In my way to _London_, I met with several that had nibled on the bait of concupisence; but they were such flounder-mouth’d, draggle-tail’d, dirty Pusses, that I would not venture upon any of them; but at length comming to an Inn on the road, I accidentally fell into the Company of a Gentlewoman (which is this that I have now brought with me, to be serviceable to you) who by her deportment informed me, that she was not meanly extracted; and by those wanton torches in her face, which Nature had drawn to allure, and captivate hearts, I guest she was not unacquainted with the Masculine gender; and as I imagined, so it proved; for I have so rigled my self by discourse into her concerns, that I soon made her unravel the bottom of her secrets. To be short, I found her every way fit for our purpose, and by an extraordinary device, I have made her ours; and that you may satisfie your self farther, I will bring her to the Park, a mile from your house, where I shall desire you to meet us in the afternoon. Hereupon she departed, and acquainted me how she had opened the way to consummate what we had agreed on; and so having dined, we went to the place appointed, where the Gentlewoman was already come to meet us.