Chapter I: Front Matter

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* * * * *

The
FOOLISH
DICTIONARY

An exhausting work of reference
to un-certain English words, their
origin, meaning, legitimate
and illegitimate use,
confused by
A FEW PICTURES

BY WALLACE GOLDSMITH

_Executed by_
GIDEON WURDZ
_Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious
Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal
Gibe Society, etc., etc._

COVER DESIGNED BY E.B. BIRD

JOHN. W. LUCE AND COMPANY
BOSTON MDCCCCIV

_Copyright, 1904, by_ THE
ROBINSON, LUCE COMPANY
_Boston, Mass., U.S.A._

2nd Edition August, 1904.

To
MY DOG,
Who first heard these lines
And didn't run away
MAD,
I Reverently Dedicate
This Tome

"A Fool may give a Wise Man counsel."

_Preface._

In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in serious emulation of the worthier--and wordier--works of Webster and Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist, who would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of fun to the shrine of their great memories.

With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid, this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge. However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity, there be born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will accredit himself worthy of his hire.

In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for the rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from

GIDEON WURDZ.

ABBREVIATIONS.

Bet. Between. Dist. Distinguish. Eng. English. Fr. French. Ger. German. Grk. Greek. Lat. Latin. Syn. Synonym. v. i. Verb intransitive. v. t. Verb transitive.

It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.

A

Distilled waters run deep.

=ABSINTHE= From two Latin words, _ad_, and _sinistrum_, meaning
"to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe
makes the jag last longer)."

* * * * *

=ABSTINENCE=

From the Persian _ab_, water, and _stein_, or tankard. Hence,
water-tankard, or "water wagon."

* * * * *

=ACCESSION= A beheading process by which you may either win or
lose a political job. Old spelling, _Axe-session_.

* * * * *

=ACCIDENT= A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is
good, but absence of body better.

* * * * *

=ADAMANT= From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character.
Hence, anything tough, or hard.

* * * * *

=ADORE= From _add_, annex, and _ore_, meaning wealth. Example,
foreign nobles who marry American heiresses _adore_ them.

* * * * *

=ADVICE= A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your
mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous
as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than
receive." =GOOD ADVICE= Something old men give young men when
they can no longer give them a bad example.

* * * * *

=ADVERSITY= A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.

* * * * *

=AFFINITY= Complimentary term for your husband or your wife.
Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."

* * * * *

=AFTERTHOUGHT= A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try
to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

* * * * *

=AGE= Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a
birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of
an old maid.

* * * * *

=ALCOHOL= A liquid good for preserving almost everything except
secrets.

* * * * *

=ALDERMAN=

A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng.
_all_, and Greek _derma_, meaning skin--"all skin."

* * * * *

=ALIMONY= An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for
a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, _allay money_).

* * * * *

=ALLOPATHY= From Eng. _all_, everybody, and Grk. _pathos_, pain.
Pain for everybody. =HOMOEOPATHY= From Grk. _homoios_, same,
and _pathos_. Pain, just the same.

* * * * *

=ALPHABET= A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures
and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three
syllables.

* * * * *

=ANCESTORS= The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex
paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.

* * * * *

=ANGEL= A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an
earthly eligible, with money and a heart.

* * * * *

=ANTI-ROOMS= Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.

* * * * *

=ANTI-IMPERIALIST= A patriot whose conscience works overtime.

* * * * *

=ANTIMONY= A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450,
and now extensively used in the arts--particularly poker.

* * * * *

=APPENDICITIS= A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the
old-fashioned stomach-ache.

* * * * *

=ARGUMENT= Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on
the brain and disturbing the peace.

* * * * *

=ARSON= Derived from the Hebrew. (See =INSURANCE=).

* * * * *

=ARTIST= Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited,
having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on
meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe
sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent
or a Paderewski.

* * * * *

=ATHLETE=

A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the
ashes.

* * * * *

=AUGUR= One who bored the ancients with prophecies.

* * * * *

=AUTOMOBILE=

From Eng. _ought to_, and Lat. _moveo_, to move. A vehicle which
ought to move, but frequently can't.

* * * * *

=AUTOMOBILIST= A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep
sea diver.

Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.

B

A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.

=BABY=

From Grk. _babai_, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who
don't think theirs is a "wonder."

A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to
give a wide berth.

* * * * *

=BACHELOR= From Latin _baculus_, a stick, unattached. Hence, an
unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get
stuck on.

* * * * *

=BACKBITER= A mosquito.

* * * * *

=BALANCE= Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by
topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.

* * * * *

=BANDIT= An outlaw. See =ALDERMAN=.

* * * * *

=BARBER= A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves
and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.

* * * * *

=BARS= Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts
and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of
beats).

* * * * *

=BARGAIN=

A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and
developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud
talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and
foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spelling _Bark-gain_).

* * * * *

=BASEBALL= A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out
for himself receives no praise for it.

* * * * *

=BAT= Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without
the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make
one short bat.

* * * * *

=BEACH= A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with
lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a
haven--or heaven--for Smacks the year around.

* * * * *

=BENEDICT= A married male.

=BENEDICTINE= A married female.

=BENEDICTION= Their children.

* * * * *

=BERTH= An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.

=BIRTH= An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.

* * * * *

=BICYCLE-SKIRT= A abbreviated garment that makes women look
shorter and men longer.

* * * * *

=BIGAMY= A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three
board bills instead of two.

* * * * *

=BILLIOUSNESS= A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.

* * * * *

=BILL-OF-FARE= A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by
figures in the right-hand column.

* * * * *

=BIOGRAPH= A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown
with tremors.

* * * * *

=BIRDIE= A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing
for a jay.

* * * * *

=BIRTHDAY= Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and
children.

* * * * *

=BLUBBER= The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product
of a live baby.

* * * * *

=BLUE= The only color we can feel. =INVISIBLE BLUE= A policeman.

* * * * *

=BLUSH= A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the
physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the
sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of
shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the
vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries,
whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become
suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated
praecordia.

* * * * *

=BOARD= An implement for administering corporal punishment, used
by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a
shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune
supper.

* * * * *

=BOHEMIA= (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and
distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention,
conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few
chosen.

=BONE= One Dollar--the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who
had to give up one bone before he got Eve.

* * * * *

=BONNETS= A female head trouble, which is contracted the latter
part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.

* * * * *

=BOODLE= Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in
by the Graft family.

* * * * *

=BORROW= v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.

* * * * *

=BOWER= A shady retreat, in general.

=BOWERY= A shady retreat in New York.

* * * * *

=BRACE= Security for the trousers.

=BRACER= Security for the stomach.

=BRACELET= Security for the pawn-broker.

* * * * *

=BRAIN= The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the
Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters--Sarah Brum and Sarah
Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous,
but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in
gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold
water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside
world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the
Intellect Bros.,--Thoughts and Ideas--as an Intelligence
Office, but sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.

* * * * *

=BRAND= Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can
be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside
of a long, black bottle.

* * * * *

=BRASS BAND= A clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for
holding a crowd together.

* * * * *

=BRICK= An admirable person made of the right sort of clay and
possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before
you go to the wall--but never afterward.

* * * * *

=BRIMSTONE= A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth
and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the
hereafter.

* * * * *

=BREVITY= A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but
not in the fireworks.

* * * * *

=BROKE= A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too
much bent on speculating.

* * * * *

=BUM= A fallen tough.

=BUMP= A tough fall.

* * * * *

=BUNCO= The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.

* * * * *

=BY-STANDER= One who is injured in a street fight.

People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.