Chapter M

A fool and his wife are soon parted.
See Alimony.

=MAGAZINE= A receptacle for explosives, literary or mechanical.

* * * * *

=MAGNATE= One who can float capital in a considerable body of
water. From Lat. _magnus_, great, and _nator_, to swim; a
great swimmer.

* * * * *

=MAIDEN LADY= A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to
avoid hurting her feelings.

* * * * *

=MALT= A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools off
and becomes Stout in its old age.

* * * * *

=MAN= Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then
three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"

* * * * *

=MAN-ABOUT-TOWN= One who is on speaking terms with the head
waiter.

* * * * *

=MANICURE= The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking
nails.

* * * * *

=MANNERS= A difficult symphony in the key of B natural.

* * * * *

=MARK= In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, only
Twain.

* * * * *

=MASCULINE= From Grk. _maskos_, girl, and _eukolos_, easy. Easy
for the girls.

* * * * *

=MASSAGE= A touch, with intent to rub it in.

* * * * *

=MATRIMONY= A game for women, in which the unmarried half are
trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be
found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful.

* * * * *

=MEAL= According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs
entirely surrounded by booze.

* * * * *

=MEDIUM= A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your
wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"

* * * * *

=MELODEON= An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but
unpopular next door. From Eng. _melody_, and Latin, _un_,
without. Warranted without melody.

* * * * *

=MENAGERIE= From Fr. _melange_, mixture, and Ger. _riechen_, to
smell. A mixture of smells.

* * * * *

=MESSENGER BOY= From Eng. _miss_, to fail, and Lat. _engeo_, to
arrive. One who fails to arrive.

* * * * *

=METER= The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!"

* * * * *

=MIND= No matter. =MATTER= Never mind.

* * * * *

=MINE= A hole in the ground owned by a liar.

* * * * *

=MINSTREL= A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every
city.

* * * * *

=MIRACLE= A woman who won't talk.

* * * * *

=MIST= Generally, a small, light rain. =SCOTCH MIST= A cloudburst.

* * * * *

=MITTEN= Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when
she knows she is going to make it chilly for him.

* * * * *

=MONEY= Society's vindication of vulgarity.

* * * * *

=MONOPOLY= A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk.
_monux_, swift-footed, and _polloi_, the people. A swift kick
for the people.

* * * * *

=MOON= The only lighting monopoly that never made money.

* * * * *

=MORTGAGE= From Fr. _mort_, death, and Eng. _gag_, to choke. A
lawyer's invention for choking property to death.

* * * * *

=MOSQUITO= A small insect designed by God to make us think better
of flies.

* * * * *

=MOTH= An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And
the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies.

* * * * *

=MOUSE=

The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.

All gone to 6's and 7's--Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.

N

Time and tide wait for no man--But time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

=NATURE= The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work over
which Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the
leaves while Winter catches the drift of it all.

* * * * *

=NECK= A close connection between chin and chest, used for the
display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with
gullet, windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber
industry.

* * * * *

=NEGRO= One who votes your way. =NIGGER= One who doesn't.

* * * * *

=NEIGHBOR= One who knows more about your affairs than yourself.

* * * * *

=NERVE=

Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then making him
pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and
spoil the hair-brush!"

* * * * *

"=NEXT=" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved and
the unshaved.

* * * * *

=NIP= Something bracing from without or within When felt in the
air, it's a frost. When found in a glass, a life saver.

* * * * *

=NOBILITY= A gang of foreign brigands having abducent designs on
the American Damsel and the American Dollar.

* * * * *

=NON-CONDUCTOR= The motorman.

* * * * *

=NOSE= A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or
Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He is often
stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has
his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling,
sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors'
affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for
others.

* * * * *

=NOTE= (=PROMISSORY=) "The substance of things long hoped for, the
evidence of things not seen."

* * * * *

=NOVEL= A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn be
well spun.

* * * * *

=NURSE=

One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in.

Out of the frying-pan into the face--Mothers' doughnuts.

O

Many hands make light work--also a good Jackpot.

=OAR=

A popular device for catching crabs.

* * * * *

=OATS= England's horse-feed, America's breakfast and Scotland's
table-d'hote.

* * * * *

=OATH= A form of speech that has many trials in court, but is
never tried in Sunday School.

* * * * *

=OBESITY=

A surplus gone to waist.

* * * * *

=OCEAN= An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard night
along the coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into a
fury because so frequently crossed, and has his barks in every
port. At sea, the king of the elements; on shore, a mere surf.

* * * * *

=OLEOMARGARINE= The White Bread's Burden. From Eng. _olio_, a
mixture, and Grk. _margino_, to be furious. A furious mixture.

* * * * *

=OMNIBUS= A test for Patience, still popular in England. From Grk.
_oneiros_, dream, and _baino_, to go or move. A dream of
motion.

* * * * *

=ONION= The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom,
garlic and cabbage being close rivals.

* * * * *

=OPERA= A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak, yet
always sings its own praises. =GRAND OPERA= An excuse for
displaying several boxes of jewelry and peaches with
pedigrees.

* * * * *

=OPINION= The prodigal son of Thought. =PUBLIC OPINION= The
world's champion pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a
hard fought bout.

* * * * *

=OPIUM= The real author of "The Dream Book."

* * * * *

=OPTIMISM= A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea-kettle to
sing though in hot water up to its nose.

* * * * *

=ORCHARD= The small boy's Eden of today, in which the apple again
occasions the fall.

* * * * *

=OSTRICH= The largest and heaviest bird on earth, yet rated by his
owners only as a featherweight.

* * * * *

=OUTSKIRTS= The only garments which clothe many a metropolis with
decency.

* * * * *

=OVEN= The only sport who enjoys an equally hot time with or
without the dough.

Handsome is what hansoms charge.

P

Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.

=PAIN= A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly
the London one.

* * * * *

=PALMISTRY= A plausible excuse for holding hands.

* * * * *

=PANTS= Trousers' Country Cousins.

* * * * *

=PARACHUTE=

A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.

* * * * *

=PARAGON= The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one
she mistakenly married.

* * * * *

=PARENTS= One of the hardships of a minor's life.

* * * * *

=PASS= A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite
able to pay.

=PASSENGER= One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for
Deadhead). From Eng. _pass_, to go, and Grk. _endidomi_, to
give up. One who has to give up to go.

* * * * *

=PARROT= An individual who can never be held responsible for what
he says.

* * * * *

=PASTRY= A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married
housekeepers.

* * * * *

=PATRIOT= One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a
lump.

* * * * *

=PAWN=

v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your
Uncle.

* * * * *

=PAWNBROKER= A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming
quality.

* * * * *

=PEACE= A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported
from the Phillipines.

* * * * *

=PEACH= A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the
peach is largely a skin and stony at heart.

* * * * *

=PEARL= A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by
a lobster and worn by a butterfly.

* * * * *

=PENITENT= From _pen_, meaning to write, and _intent_, meaning
determination. One who determines for the right.

* * * * *

=PESSIMIST= One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

* * * * *

=PHILISTINE= In Bible times, one who worried the children of
Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk.
_phloios_, bark, and _tino_, to punish. One who barks to
punish.

* * * * *

=PHILANTHROPIST= One who returns to the people publicly a small
percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.

* * * * *

=PHILOSOPHER= One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles
himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

* * * * *

=PHILOSOPHY= Something that enables the rich to say there is no
disgrace in being poor.

* * * * *

=PIANO= A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

* * * * *

=PIN= The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of remarkable
penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows
its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.

* * * * *

=PING-PONG= A game invented for the benefit of furniture and
crockery dealers.

* * * * *

=PITY= An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the
children of a woman who might have married him instead.

* * * * *

=PLATONIC LOVE= An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a
correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never succeed.

* * * * *

=PLENTY= A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever
Extravagance steps in.

* * * * *

=PLUM= A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but
only after careful grafting.

* * * * *

=PLUMB= To ascertain the capacity of.

=PLUMBER= One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you
with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a process
vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."

* * * * *

=POLE-CAT= A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the
pole the better.

* * * * *

=POLICEMAN=

A never present help in time of trouble.

* * * * *

=POLYGAMY= A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

* * * * *

=POLYGLOT= A parrot that can swear in several languages.

* * * * *

=POSTSCRIPT= The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

* * * * *

=PRETZEL= The bar-keeper's promoter.

* * * * *

=PROTECTION= Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant,
Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant,
Monopoly.

* * * * *

=PRO= and =CON= Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example,
Progress and Congress.

* * * * *

=PRUDE= A native of Boston.

* * * * *

=PRUDENCE= A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from
trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.

* * * * *

=PRUDERY= A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does
a loss of hair.

* * * * *

=PRUNE= A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house
veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well
preserved.

* * * * *

=PUGILIST= A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never
gives up till he's out.

* * * * *

=PULLMAN PORTER= A legalized train-robber.

* * * * *

=PUNCH= A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the
death of Humor.

Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill--Try gold, silver, copper or radium--there's more in it.

Q

Charity begins at home--but ends when you reach The Cook.

=QUACK= The Duck family's favorite physician.

* * * * *

=QUAIL=

v. t., To shrink--a characteristic of the bird when ordered in a
restaurant.

* * * * *

=QUEEN= One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat a
knave.

* * * * *

=QUESTION= Is marriage a failure?

* * * * *

=QUEUE= The only Mongolian line connecting America and China.

* * * * *

=QUORUM= A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is seldom on
hand when needed.

Faint heart never won fair lady--but a full purse can always pull the trick.

R

Man proposes, then woman imposes.

=RABBIT= A small rodent, very similar to a hare, which feeds on
grass and burrows in the earth. =WELSH RABBIT= More like a
string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the stomach.

* * * * *

=RACE-TRACK= An interesting locality, where pools are bought and
sold in books and the heat never interferes with the search
for the Pole.

* * * * *

=RADIUM= A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging radial rays of
radio-activity, raised to radical rates and regarded as a
ruthless rake-off in the reign of riches within the arrayed
radius of a raging, raving and raided race.

* * * * *

=RAG-TIME= Music pulled into many pieces--the invention of a
flannel-mouth to which many have cottoned.

* * * * *

=RAPID TRANSIT= A municipal myth, circulated for the amusement of
the long suffering--and slow moving--public.

* * * * *

=REFORM= In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with marked
heat, followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a flow of
ink in the newspapers, a discharge of words from the face and
a rush of blood to the polls, leaving the victim a chronic
invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been
confined to a Low attempt at government.

* * * * *

=REFORMER= One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat
out of the bag.

* * * * *

=REGISTER=

The only autograph album which it costs you money to write in.

* * * * *

=REGRETS= An excuse for non-attendance at a social function.
Occasionally, an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of
praise at deliverance from evil.

* * * * *

=RELATIONS= A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest
knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when
to die.

* * * * *

=RELIGION= A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be
warm enough without one in the next.

* * * * *

=R.E. MORSE= A veteran General who commands the largest army in
the world.

* * * * *

=REPARTEE= The sassy habit of talking back.

* * * * *

=REPUTATION= A personal possession, frequently not discovered
until lost.

* * * * *

=RESIDENCE= A rural locality inhabited annually--for a few
hours--by a rich New Yorker or Bostonian.

* * * * *

=RESOLUTION= A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day
of January and usually broken on the second.

* * * * *

=RESORT= (=SUMMER=) A place where the tired grow more tired. From
Eng. _rest_, and Grk. _orizo_, to limit. A place where rest is
limited.

* * * * *

=REST= A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life.

* * * * *

=RESTAURANT= An institution for the spread of dyspepsia. From Lat.
_restauro_, to repair, and Grk. _anti_, against. After
patronizing, you're "up against repairs."

* * * * *

=RHETORIC= Language in a dress suit.

* * * * *

=RICE= An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or
the newly-married.

* * * * *

=ROQUEFORT= A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the
first rank.

* * * * *

=ROYCROFTER= A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From
Fr. _roi_, king, and old Saxon _crofter_, or grafter. King of
Grafters.

* * * * *

=RUMOR= The long-distance champion of the Human Race--a monster
with more tales than an octopus.

* * * * *

=RUST= Physical dullness.

=RUSTIC= Mental dullness.

Beggars should never be choosers--though the beggar often chews what he begs.

S

A miss is as good as her smile.

=SADDUCEE= A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless,
hence sad you see.

* * * * *

=SAILOR= A man who makes his living on water but never touches it
on shore.

* * * * *

=SANDWICH= An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.

* * * * *

=SAUSAGE= An aftermath of the dog-days.

* * * * *

=SCAFFOLD= A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.

* * * * *

=SCARECROW= An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.

* * * * *

=SCORCHER= A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.

* * * * *

=SCULPTOR= A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

* * * * *

=SELF-MADE= Complimentary term for a respectable crook.

* * * * *

=SHAMROCK= A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time
winner as an "ad." for tea--and Sir T.

* * * * *

=SHEPHERD= One who depends on a crook for a living.

* * * * *

=SHIRT= Every man's bosom friend.

* * * * *

=SILVER= A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential
impossibilities.

* * * * *

=SINNER= A stupid person who gets found out.

* * * * *

=SNAP= A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger
to take the cake.

* * * * *

=SNORE= An unfavorable report from headquarters.

* * * * *

=SOROSIS= A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated
grounds.

* * * * *

=SPAGHETTI= A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From
Lat. _spadix_, branch, or fork, and _gestamen_, burden. A
burden for the fork.

* * * * *

=SPIDER= A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line
by every post.

* * * * *

=STARS= The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens
for ages.

* * * * *

=STAYS= A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.

* * * * *

=STOCKINGS= Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.

* * * * *

=STOCKS= An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If
you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.

* * * * *

=STOVE-PIPE=

A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity.

* * * * *

=SPRING= Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except
in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.

* * * * *

=SPINSTER= An ember from which the sparks have flown.

* * * * *

=SUBWAY= In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous
disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and
battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law,
and the entry-fee is five cents.

* * * * *

=SUCCESS= A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in
cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in
searching for a larger target.

* * * * *

=SUMMER= An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural
cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and
the Iceman.

* * * * *

=SUN= A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily,
operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints
pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and
tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always
has a shine.

* * * * *

=SYMPATHY=

Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.

* * * * *

=SYNDICATE= A conspiracy to extend the modest business established
by Captain Kidd.

Fortune knocks only once at a man's door--And she's the worst Knocker in the world.

T

Brevity is the soul of wit--and the sole charm of of a bicycle skirt.

=TAILOR= One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a
fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid.

* * * * *

=TALK= A continuous performance playing daily and nightly
engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the
Family Circle.

* * * * *

=TELEGRAM=

A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and carried by a
boy in sleep.

* * * * *

=TELEPHONE= From Eng. _tell_, to talk, and Grk. _phonos_, murder.
A machine in which talk is murdered.

* * * * *

=TENNIS= A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the
side and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive
them from set to set and love scores as often as it's
mentioned.

* * * * *

=TEMPER= A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife
blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.

* * * * *

=THERMOMETER=

A short, glass tube that regulates the weather--and usually does a
poor job.

* * * * *

=THIRST= A sensation immediately following a short session at the
free lunch stand.

* * * * *

=TIDE= An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in
whenever he gets over the bay.

* * * * *

=TITIAN= The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon
as her father strikes oil.

* * * * *

=TIPS= Wages we pay other people's hired help.

* * * * *

=TOBACCO= A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two
creatures; a large, green worm and--man. The worm doesn't know
any better.

* * * * *

=TONGUE= An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an
artist who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among
women.

* * * * *

=TOUCH= A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a
feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.

* * * * *

=TRANSFER= A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able
to carry a heavy man several miles.

* * * * *

=TROLLEY-CAR= A conveyance filled with advertisements, and
occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.

* * * * *

=TROUBLE= Something that many are looking for but no one wants.

* * * * *

=TRUST= A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.

* * * * *

=TWINS= Insult added to Injury.

* * * * *

=TWISTERS=

An undesirable thing to have on hand.

It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.

U V

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to Fortune--But most of us catch our watered stock on the ebb.

=UMBRELLA= A good thing to put up in a shower--or pawn-shop; but,
like skating, never seen after Lent.

* * * * *

=UNBOSOMED=

A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.

* * * * *

=UNION= An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and
liable to strike without warning.

* * * * *

=UMPIRE= No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.

* * * * *

=USHER= One who takes a leading part in a theatre.

=VACCINATION= Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.

* * * * *

=VAUDEVILLE= From Lat. _vaut_, good for, and _villageois_,
countryman. Good for countrymen.

* * * * *

=VERANDA=

An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.

* * * * *

=VEST= A waistcoat sold at halfprice.

* * * * *

=VIRTUE= A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but
rarely with beauty.

* * * * *

=VULGARITY= The conduct of others.

A rolling stone gathers no moss--except at roulette.

W

But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.

=WAITER= An Inn-experienced servant.

* * * * *

=WAR= A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a
small way, would produce only murderers.

* * * * *

=WATER= A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak
buyers.

* * * * *

=WEDDING= A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and
the groom is often sold.

* * * * *

=WEEDS= Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry
the widow.

* * * * *

=WICKEDNESS= A myth invented by good people to account for the
singular attractiveness of others.

* * * * *

=WIDOW= The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she
golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.

* * * * *

=WHISKY= Trouble put up in liquid form.

* * * * *

=WIND= An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral
agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold),
impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged
passage through space, owing to certain occult ethereal
stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs,
blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons.
Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with
Chicago tongue--canned or conversational.

* * * * *

=WOMAN= An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still
slightly flattened at the polls.

* * * * *

=WORD= Something you must keep after giving it to another.

* * * * *

=WORRY= A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every
time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.

* * * * *

=WRINKLES= A merchant's trade-marks.

It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.