Chapter D

Out of fight, out of coin.--_The Pugilist's Plaint_.

=DABBLE= v. t., To play in water.

=DABBLE IN STOCKS=--Same thing.

* * * * *

=DACHSHUND= A low-down dog.

* * * * *

=DANCE= A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.

* * * * *

=DATES= A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread
on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which
are often associated).

* * * * *

=DEAD= Without life. See Boston.

=DEADER= Pompeii.

=DEADEST= Philadelphia.

* * * * *

=DEADBEAT= One who makes a soft living by sponging it.

* * * * *

=DEBT= A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more
it is contracted.

* * * * *

=DEE-LIGHTED=

An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.

* * * * *

(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4,
1905, the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent
editions of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at
length).

* * * * *

=DELEGATE= From Eng. _dally_, to loaf, and Fr. _gate_, spoiled. A
spoiled loafer.

* * * * *

=DEMAGOGUE= From Grk. _demos_, people, and Eng. _gag_. One who
gags the people.

* * * * *

=DEMOCRACY= A mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard
Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill
and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.

* * * * *

=DEN= A cavity.

=DENT= To punch.

=DENTIST= One who punches the face and fills cavities.

* * * * *

=DEUCE= An honest card, in fact the only one that is never known
to beat tray.

* * * * *

=DEVIL=

An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to Mary
McLane.

* * * * *

=DIAMOND= A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a
woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.

* * * * *

=DIARY= An honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad
give-away.

* * * * *

=DIGNITY= A narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks
try to stand upon when they have no other support.

* * * * *

=DICKENS= An author; polite term for the devil.

* * * * *

=DIE= An effect.

=DIET= Frequently a cause.

* * * * *

=DIMPLE= A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's
smile.

* * * * *

=DIPLOMAT= An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a
rubber neck.

* * * * *

=DISCOUNT= Something often sold in place of goods.

* * * * *

=DISCRETION= An instinctive perception that enables us to say,
"Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon,
but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large,
strong one.

* * * * *

=DIVE= A gambler's retreat.

=DIVIDENDS= A gambler's reward.

* * * * *

=DIVORCE= Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds
of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a
legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.

* * * * *

=DOCK= A place for laying up.

=DOCTOR= One who lays you up.

* * * * *

=DREAM= What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have
suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come
true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both
because they go by contraries.

* * * * *

=DRAFT= (=DRAUGHT=) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the
doctor's bill.

* * * * *

=DROP-STITCH= A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the
men from paying too much attention to the open-work,
"peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.

* * * * *

=DRUM= Something noisy, and made to beat.

=DRUMMER= Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk.
_drimus_, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always
carries its point and sticks whoever it can.

* * * * *

=DUST= Mud with the juice squeezed out.

* * * * *

=DYNAMITE=

The peroration of an anarchist's argument.

* * * * *

=DYSPEPSIA= A good foundation for a bad temper.

Out of sight, only in mind.--_Ballad of the Blind Beggar_.

E

A word to the wise is useless.

=EAGLE= The national bird of a Christian country; (the United
States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of
pray.

* * * * *

=EARL= A title of nobility.

=EARLY= A title of stupidity. See old saw,

"Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man a farmer!"

* * * * *

=EARTH=

A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

* * * * *

=ECHO= The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.

* * * * *

=ECONOMY= Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a
luxury to-morrow.

* * * * *

=EGG=

A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes
a cure for indigestion or bad acting.

* * * * *

=ELECTION=

A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where
the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever
it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and
even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and
everything is full--particularly the lodging-houses.

* * * * *

=ENCORE= A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his
money's worth. From the Fr. _en_, among, and _cochon_,
pig,--common among pigs.

* * * * *

=ENGAGEMENT= In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that
precedes the real hostilities.

* * * * *

=ENTHUSIAST= One who preaches four times as much as he believes and
believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.

* * * * *

=EPITAPH= A statement that usually lies above about the one who
lies beneath.

* * * * *

=EQUATOR=

An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.

* * * * *

=ERR= To make a mistake.

=ERRATIC= Full of mistakes.

* * * * *

=ETHER= One of the world's three great composers--the others being
Gas and Chloroform--whose airs are popular among the
suffering.

* * * * *

=ETIQUETTE= A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a
virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.

* * * * *

=EVOLUTION= A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a
monkey of Adam.

* * * * *

=EXCURSION= From _ex_. former, and Grk. _kairo_, to enjoy. Hence,
a tiresome journey--formerly an enjoyment--sold at half price.

* * * * *

=EXERCISE= Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a
ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to
the wash-tub and the wood-pile.

* * * * *

=EXPANSION= A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving
the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of
Independence.--Boston.

The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed
peoples--Washington, D.C.

A doubtful commercial experiment.--Wall Street.

The white man's burden.--Kipling.

* * * * *

=EXPLOSION= A good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.

* * * * *

=EXPOSITION= An overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year
or two behind time.

It's never too late to spend.

F

A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.

=FACE= A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar
button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The
crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather,
or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace
curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the
expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with
lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.

* * * * *

=FAILURE= The quickest method known for making money.

* * * * *

=FEINT= A pugilist's bluff.

=FAINT= A woman's bluff.

* * * * *

=FAITH= A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a
Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch"
an invitation to dine.

* * * * *

=FAKE= A false report.

=FAKIR= A false reporter.

* * * * *

=FAME= Having a brand of cigars named after you.

* * * * *

=FAMILY=

Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the
possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the
wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.

* * * * *

=FARE.= The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can
work their fare."

* * * * *

=FAULT= About the only thing that is often found where it does not
exist.

* * * * *

=FICTION.= The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created
equal."

* * * * *

=FIDDLER= A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses
to play a real tune.

* * * * *

=FIRMNESS= That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable
stubbornness in others.

* * * * *

=FIG= Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.

=FIG LEAF= A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam
4000 B.C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art
Committees.

* * * * *

=FISHING= An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid
falling asleep in church on Sunday.

* * * * *

=FLAT= A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in
which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be
a Sardine Box.

* * * * *

=FLATTERY= Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.

* * * * *

=FLUE= An escape for hot air.

=FLUENCY= The art of releasing the same.

* * * * *

=FLUSH= From Grk. _phlox_, heat. A rush of color to the cheek, or
hand, caused by bodily--or poker--heat.

* * * * *

=FLY= A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream of
society, gets stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind.

* * * * *

=FLY-SCREEN= An arrangement for keeping flies in the house.

* * * * *

=FOOT= The understanding of a girl from the west.

=FOOT-PATH= Chicago, Ill.

* * * * *

=FOOTBALL= A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under
the guise of a reputable game.

* * * * *

=FOREIGNER=

One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. _fero_, to
carry off, and _enara_, spoils. One who carries off the
spoils.

* * * * *

=FORBEARANCE= The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows,
patiently listens to a fool who does not.

* * * * *

=FRANC= Twenty cents, in French.

=FRANKFURTERS= Four for twenty, in German. Derived from _frank_,
open, and _fortitude_, meaning brave. Sold in the open and
eaten by the brave.

* * * * *

=FROST= An old flame after the engagement is broken off.

* * * * *

=FUN= Joy.

=FUNCTION= Devoid of joy.

As ye sew, so shall ye rip.

G

Money makes the mayor go.--_Proverbs of Politics._

=GALLON= From the Fr. _galonner_, to make tight. Note, one is
sufficient.

* * * * *

=GALLANTRY= This word is now almost obsolete. It was formerly
employed to express a deferential attention on the part of the
man who in a crowded car gave up his seat to the ladies.

* * * * *

=GAMBLER= From the Grk. _gumnos_, stripped to the skin. And the
gambler's the one that does it.

* * * * *

=GARDEN= From the Fr. _garantir_, to make good. Hence, a place
where lovers make good.

* * * * *

=GARLIC= From Grk. _gar_, for, and Lat. _liceor_, to bid. Good for
the biddies.

* * * * *

=GEM= A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, syn. for "a
precious stone."

* * * * *

=GERM= A bit of animal life living in water.

=GERMAN=

More animal life, living on beer.

* * * * *

=GIRAFFE= The champion rubber-neck of the world, and the longest
thirst on record.

* * * * *

=GLOBE= An all-round proposition which has furnished its
shareholders a living for several thousand years, though its
stock is two-thirds water.

* * * * *

=GOAT= The honored founder and oldest inhabitant of Harlem, N.Y.
Elsewhere, not in good odor.

* * * * *

=GOLF= An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a Scotch
breath.

* * * * *

=GONDOLA= A pleasure craft which plies in Venice, at World's Fairs
and other popular watering places. From Eng. _gone_, and Lat.
_dolor_, sadness, or Eng. _dollar_. Sadness gone; also, a gone
dollar.

* * * * *

=GORE= Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never spilled in
French duels.

* * * * *

=GOSSIP= Derived either from the Grk. _gups_, vulture, or Fr.
_gosier_, wind-pipe. Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to
bits, or an exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim
gets a blow.

* * * * *

=GOUT= The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent the
lowest joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's
Foot-Notes.

* * * * *

=GOWN= From Lat. _gaudium_, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy
forever; if from Paris, generally an article of some Worth.

* * * * *

=GUNPOWDER= A black substance much employed in marking the
boundary lines of nations.

* * * * *

=GUM= A substance for sticking.

=GUM-GAME= A game in which some one is stuck.

* * * * *

=GUTTER= A school in which we may study the dregs of humanity or
read the reflection of the stars.

There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel.

H

Where there's a will there's a lawsuit.

=HAIR-DRESSER= A linguist whose position in life enables him to
do his head-work with his hands.

* * * * *

=HAMMER= A small, busy implement carried by blacksmiths,
geologists and Knockers for breaking iron, rock or friendship.

* * * * *

=HAMMOCK= From the Lat. _hamus_, hook, and Grk. _makar_, happy.
Happiness on hooks. Also, a popular contrivance whereby
love-making may be suspended but not stopped during the picnic
season.

* * * * *

=HAND= A much desired possession, supplied by The Damsel or The
Dealer. =GLAD HAND=. The beggar's plea, the politician's
sceptre and the drummer's ablest assistant.

* * * * *

=HANDMAIDEN= A manicure.

* * * * *

=HARANGUE= The tiresome product of a tireless tongue. From Eng.
_hear_, and Lat. _angor_, pain. Painful to hear.

* * * * *

=HARMONY= From the Grk. _arnumi_, strain. Hence, full of strains.

* * * * *

=HASH=?

* * * * *

=HATCH= To develop eggs.

=HATCHWAY= Place for developing eggs; a hen-coop.

* * * * *

=HAY-FEVER= A heart trouble caused by falling in love with a grass
widow.

* * * * *

=HEARSE= Seen on the dead.

=HEARSAY= Heard on the dead.

* * * * *

=HEARSE= A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a
tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the procession.

* * * * *

=HEART= A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, played by beats, and
enjoyed only after it is lost or given away.

* * * * *

=HEAVE= To raise.

=HEAVEN= A good place to be raised to.

* * * * *

=HEDGE= A fence.

=HEDGEHOG= One who hogs the fences. A Bill-Poster.

* * * * *

=HELL= Poverty.

* * * * *

=HEREDITY= The cause of all our faults. From Fr. _here_, wretch,
and Eng. _ditty_, song. The song of the wretched.

* * * * *

=HEROISM=

A transferable ticket to the Haul of Fame. Once held by Hobson and
Dewey, now carried by Mother Eddy and Brother Dowie.

* * * * *

=HIP= A popular location for the retail liquor business.

* * * * *

=HISTORY= The evil that men do.

* * * * *

=HIT= A chance for first place, first base or first blood.

* * * * *

=HOCK= v. t. To "soak" what we least need. In Germany, they
generally "Hock the Kaiser."

* * * * *

=HOMOEOPATHY= See Allopathy.

* * * * *

=HOOT MON=! The Scottish National Hymn.

* * * * *

=HOP= To skip.

=HOPPER= A skipper.

* * * * *

=HOPE= A desire for better things to come that makes a grass widow
willing to try it again. Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes
honored, but generally extended.

* * * * *

=HORN= A sharp point.

=HORNET= Still sharper.

* * * * *

=HORSE-SENSE= A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on
the races.

* * * * *

=HOSE= Man's excuse for wetting the walk.

=HOSIERY= Woman's excuse for walking in the wet.

* * * * *

=HOTEL= A place where a guest often gives up good dollars for poor
quarters.

* * * * *

=HOUSECLEANING= A domestic upheaval that makes it easy for the
government to enlist all the soldiers it needs.

* * * * *

=HUG= A roundabout way of expressing affection.

* * * * *

=HUMOR= An outbreak, either of skin or brains frequently branded
as Rash.

* * * * *

=HUNGER= Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart.

* * * * *

=HUSBAND= The next thing to a wife. From Eng. _hussy_, woman, and
_bond_, tie. Tied to a woman.

* * * * *

=HYDRANT= From Grk. _hudros_, water, and Eng. _ante_, to give up.
Something that gives up water. (A good synonym for
Dipsomaniac).

* * * * *

=HYPOCRITE= A horse dealer. From Grk. _hippos_, horse, and
_kroteo_, to beat. One who beats you on a horse trade.

Home is where the mortgage is.