Chapter XI: Act IV: Scene I

_Palace of the Duke of Urbin._

_Enter_ HERCULES _and_ GARBETZA.

_Herc._ Why, 'tis a most well-in-fashion affection, Donna
Garbetza. Your knight, Sir Amorous, is a man of a most
unfortunate back, spits white, has an ill breath; at three,
after dinner, goes to the bath, takes the diet, nay, which
is more, takes tobacco; therefore, with great authority,
you may cuckold him.

_Gar._ I hope so; but would that friend my brother discover
me--would he wrong himself to prejudice me--

_Herc._ No prejudice, dear Garbetza: his brother your
husband, right; he cuckold his eldest brother, true; he
gets her with child, just. 11

_Gar._ Sure there's no wrong in right, true, and just?

_Herc._ And, indeed, since the virtue of procreation
growed hopeless in your husband, to whom should you
rather commit your love and honour to, than him that is
most like and near your husband, his brother? But are
you assured your friend and brother rests entirely constant
solely to you?

_Gar._ To me? O Fawn, let me sigh it with joy into
thy bosom, my brother has been wooed by this and that
and t'other lady, to entertain them (for I ha' seen their
letters); but his vow to me, O Fawn! is most immutable,
unfeigning, peculiar, and indeed deserved. 23

_Enter_ PUTTOTTA _and a_ Page. PUTTOTTA _with a
letter in her hand_.

_Put._ Never entreat me--never beseech me to have
pity, forsooth, on your master, M.[222] Herod. Let him
never be so daringly ambitious as to hope, with all his
vows and protestations, to gain my affection! God's
my discretion! Has my sutlery, tapstry, laundry, made
me be ta'en up at the court--preferr'd me to a husband;
and have I advanced my husband, with the labour of
mine own body, from the black-guard[223] to be one of the
duke's drummers, to make him one of the court forkers?
Shall I, that purify many lords and some ladies, can
tell who wears perfumes, who plasters, and for why, know
who's a gallant of a chaste shirt and[224] who not, shall I
become--or dares your master think I will become--or
if I would[225] become, presumes your master to hope I
would become one of his common feminines? No, let
M. Herod brag of his brother's wife. I scorn his letters
and her leavings at my heel--i'faith, and so tell
him. 41

_Pag._ Nay, softly,[226] dear Puttotta--Mistress Puttotta--Madam
Puttotta! O be merciful to my languishing
master! He may in time grow great and well-graced
courtier, for he wears yellow already! Mix, therefore,
your loves. As for Madam Garbetza, his brother's wife,
you see what he writes there.

_Put._ I must confess he says she is a spiny, green creature,
of an unwholesome barren blood and cold embrace--a
bony thing, of most unequal hips, uneven eyes, ill-rank'd
teeth, and indeed one, but that she hires him,
he endures not; yet, for all this does he hope to dishonest
me? I am for his betters, I would he should well know
it; for more by many than my husband know I am a
woman of a known sound and upright carriage; and
so he shall find if he deal with me; and so tell him, I
pray you. What! does he hope to make me one of his
gills, his punks, polecats, flirts, and feminines? 58

[_Exit._ _As_ PUTOTTA _goes out, she flings away
the letter_. _The_ Page _puts it up, and, as
he is talking_, HERCULES _steals it out of
his pocket_.

_Pag._ Alas! my miserable master, what suds art thou
wash'd into! Thou art born to be scorn'd of every
carted community, and yet he'll out-crack a German
when he is drunk, or a Spaniard after he hath eaten a
fumatho,[227] that he has lien with that and that and t'other
lady; that he lay last night in such a madonna's[228]
chamber, t'other night he lay[229] in such a countess's couch,
to-night he lies in such a lady's closet; when poor I
know all this while he only[230] lied in his throat.

[_Exit._

_Herc._ Madam, let me sigh it in your bosom, how immutable
and unfainting, and, indeed----

_Gar._ Fawn, I will undo that rascal! He shall starve
for any further maintenance. 71

_Herc._ You may make him come to the covering and
recovering of his old doublets.

_Gar._ He was in fair hope of proving heir to his elder
brother, but he has gotten me with child.

_Herc._ So, you withdrawing your favour, his present
means fail him; and by getting you with child, his
future means for ever rest despairful to him.

_Gar._ O Heaven! that I could curse him beneath
damnation! Impudent varlet! By my reputation,
Fawn, I only loved him because I thought I only did
not love him. He vowed infinite beauties doted on
him! Alas! I was a simple country lady, wore gold
buttons, trunk[231] sleeves, and flaggon bracelets. In this
state of innocency was I brought up to the court. 85

_Herc._ And now, instead of country innocency, have
you got court honesty? Well, madam, leave your
brother to my placing; he shall have a special cabin in
the ship of fools.

_Gar._ Right. Remember he got his elder brother's wife
with child, and so deprived himself of th' inheritance.

_Herc._ That will stow[232] him under hatches, I warrant
you.

_Gar._ And so deprived himself of inheritance! Dear
Fawn, be my champion! 95

_Herc._ The very scourge of your most basely offending
brother.

_Gar._ Ignoble villain! that I might but see thee
wretched without pity and recovery! Well!

_Enter_ HEROD _and_ NYMPHADORO.

_Herc._ Stand, Herod; you are full met, sir. 100

_Herod._ But not met full, sir. I am as gaunt as a
hunting gelding after three train'd scents! 'Fore Venus,
Fawn, I have been shaling[233] of peascods. Upon[234] four
great madonnas have I this afternoon grafted the forked
tree!

_Herc._ Is't possible?

_Herod._ Possible! Fie on this satiety!--'tis a dull,
blunt, weary, and drowsy passion. Who would be a
proper fellow to be thus greedily devoured and
swallowed among ladies? Faith, 'tis my torment--my
very rack! 111

_Herc._ Right, Herod, true; for imagine all a man possess'd
with[235] a perpetual pleasure, like that of generation,
even in the highest lusciousness, he straight sinks as
unable to bear so continual, so pure, so universal a
sensuality.

_Herod._ By even truth, 'tis very right; and, for my
part, would I were eunuch'd rather than thus suck'd
away with kisses, enfeebling dalliance; and O the falling
sickness on them all! why did reasonable nature give so
strange, so rebellious, so tyrannous, so insatiate parts of
appetite to so weak a governess--a[236] woman? 122

_Herc._ Or why, O custom! didst thou oblige them to
modesty, such cold temperance, that they must be wooed
by men--courted by men? Why, all know they are
more full of strong desires--those desires most impatient
of delay or hindrance, they have more unruly passions
than men, and weaker reason to temper those passions
than men.

_Nym._ Why, then, hath not the discretion of Nature
thought it just that customary coyness, old fashions,
terms of honour and of modesty, forsooth, all laid aside,
they court not us, beseech not us rather, for sweets of
love than we them? Why, by Janus! women are but
men turn'd the wrong side outward. 135

_Herc._ O, sir, Nature is a wise workman. She knows
right well that if women should woo us to the act of
love, we should all be utterly shamed. How often
should they take us unprovided, when they are always
ready! 140

_Herod._ Ay, sir, right, sir; to some few such unfortunate
handsome fellows as myself am; to my grief, I
know it.

_Herc._ Why, here are two perfect creatures--the one,
Nymphadoro, loves all, and my Herod here enjoys
all.

_Herod._ 'Faith, some score or two of ladies or so ravish
me among them, divide my presents, and would indeed
engross me, were I indeed such an ass as to be made a
monopoly of. Look, sirrah, what a vild hand one of
them writes. Who would ever take this for a _d._--_dearest_,
or read this for _only_--_only dearest_? 152

_Herc._ Here's a lie indeed.

_Herod._ True, but here's another much more legibly, a
good secretary,--_My most affected Herod, the utmost
ambition of my hopes and only----_

_Herc._ There is one lie better shaped by odds!

_Herod._ Right; but here's a lady's Roman hand to me
is beyond all. Look ye,--_To her most elected servant
and worthy friend, Herod Baldonzozo, Esquire_. I believe
thou knowest what countess's hand this is. I'll show
thee another. 162

_Herc._ No, good Herod; I'll show thee one now.--_To
his most elected mistress and worthy laundress, divine Mistress
Puttotta, at her tent in the wood-yard, or elsewhere,
give these_----

_Herod._ Prithee, ha' silence! What's that?

_Herc._ _If my tears or vows, my faithfulst_[237] _protestations
on my knees_----

_Herod._ Good, hold! 170

_Herc._ _Fair and only-loved laundress!_--

_Herod._ Forbear, I beseech thee!

_Herc._ _Might move thy stony heart to take pity on my
sighs_----

_Herod._ Do not shame me to the day of judgment!

_Herc._ _Alas! I write it in passion!--alas! thou knowest
besides my loathed sister, thou art_----

_Herod._ For the Lord's sake!

_Herc._ _The only hope of my pleasure, the only pleasure of
my hopes! Be pleased, therefore, to_---- 180

_Herod._ Cease, I beseech thee!

_Herc._ Pish! ne'er blush, man; 'tis an uncourtly quality!
As for thy lying, as long as there's policy in't, it is very
passable! Wherefore has Heaven given man tongue
but to speak to a man's own glory? He that cannot
swell bigger than his natural skin, nor seem to be in
more grace than he is, has not learn'd the very rudiments
or A B C of courtship.

_Herod._ Upon my heart, Fawn, thou pleasest me to the
soul; why, look you, for mine own part, I must confess----

_Enter_ DONDOLO.

See, here's the duke's fool!

_Don._ Aboard! aboard! aboard! all manner of fools,
of court, city, or country, of what degree, sex, or
nature!

_Herod._ Fool!

_Don._ Herod!

_Herc._ What, are ye full freighted? Is your ship well
fool'd?

_Don._ O, 'twas excellently thronged full: a justice of
peace, tho' he had been one of the most illiterate asses in
a country, could hardly ha' got a hanging cabin. O, we
had first some long fortunate great politicians, that were
so sottishly paradised as to think, when popular hate
seconded princes' displeasure to them, any unmerited
violence could seem to the world injustice; some purple
fellows, whom chance reared, and their own deficiencies
of spirit hurled down. We had some courtiers that o'er-bought
their offices, and yet durst fall in love; priests
that forsook their functions to avoid a thwart stroke
with a wet finger.[238] But now, alas, Fawn! there's space[239]
and place.

_Herc._ Why, how gat all these forth? Was not the
warrant strong?

_Don._ Yes, yes; but they got a supersedeas: all of
them proved themselves either knaves or madmen,
and so were all let go; there's none left now in our
ship, but a few citizens, that let their wives keep their
shop-books, some philosophers, and a few critics; one
of which critics has lost his flesh with fishing at the
measure of Plautus' verses; another has vow'd to get the
consumption of the lungs, or to leave to posterity the
true orthography and pronunciation of laughing;[240] a third
hath melted a great deal o' suet, worn out his thumbs
with turning, read out his eyes, and studied his face out
of a sanguine into a meagre, spawling, fleamy loathsomeness,--and
all to find but why _mentula_ should be the
feminine gender, since the rule is _Propria quæ maribus
tribuuntur mascula dicas_. These philosophers, critics,
and all the maids we could find at sixteen, are all our
fraught now. 230

_Herc._ O, then, your ship of fools is full.

_Nym._ True, the maids at seventeen fill it.

_Don._ Fill it, quoth you; alas! we have very few, and
these we were fain to take up in the country too.

_Herc._ But what philosophers ha' ye?

_Don._ O, very strange fellows: one knows nothing;
dares not aver he lives, goes, sees, feels.

_Nym._ A most insensible philosopher.

_Don._ Another, that there is no present time, and that
one man to-day and to-morrow is not the same man; so
that he that yesterday owed money, to-day owes none,
because he is not the same man. 242

_Herod._ Would that philosophy[241] would hold good in
law!

_Herc._ But why has the duke thus labour'd to have all
the fools shipp'd out of his dominions?

_Don._ Marry, because he would play the fool himself
alone, without any rival.

_Herc._ Ware your breech, fool.

_Don._ I warrant thee, old lad, 'tis the privilege of poor
fools to talk before an intelligencer; marry, if I could
fool myself into a lordship, as I know some ha' fool'd[242]
themselves out of a lordship,--were I grown some huge
fellow, and got the leer of the people upon me, if the
fates had so decreed it,--I should talk treason, tho' I
ne'er open'd my lips. 256

_Herc._ Indeed![243] _fatis agimur, cedite fatis!_ But how
runs rumour?--what breath's strongest in the palace,
now? I think you know all.

_Don._ Yes, we fools think we know all. The prince
hath audience to-night,--is feasted, and after supper is
entertain'd with no comedy, masque, or barriers; but
with----

_Nym._ What, I prithee?

_Herod._ What, I prithee?

_Don._ With a most new and special shape of delight.

_Nym._ What, for Jove's sake? 267

_Don._ Marry, gallants, a session, a general council of
love, summon'd in the name of Don Cupid, to which,
upon pain of their mistress' displeasure, shall appear,--all
favour-wearers, sonnet-mongers, health-drinkers, and
neat enrichers[244] of barbers and perfumers; and to conclude,
all that can wyhee or wag the tail, are, upon grievous
pains of their back, summon'd to be assistant in that
session of love.

_Herc._ Hold! hold! Do not pall the delight before it
come to our palate; and what other rumour keeps air
in[245] men's lungs?

_Don._ O, the egregiousness of folly! Ha' you not
heard of Don Zuccone? 280

_Nym._ What of him, good fool?

_Don._ He is separated.

_Nym._ Divorced?

_Don._ That salt,--that criticism,--that very all epigram
of a woman,--that analysis,--that compendium of wittiness!

_Nym._ Now, Jesu, what words the fool has!

_Don._ We ha' still such words, but I will not unshale
the jest before it be ripe, and therefore, kissing your
worship's fingers, in most sweet terms, without any sense,
and with most fair looks, without any good meaning,
I most courtlike take my leave, _basilus_[246] _manus de vostro
signioria_. 293

_Herod._ Stay, fool, we'll follow thee: for, 'fore Heaven,
we must prepare ourselves for this session.

[_Exeunt._

_Enter_ ZUCCONE, _pursued by_ ZOYA, _on her knees
attended by Ladies_.

_Zuc._ I will have no mercy, I will not relent;--Justice'
beard is shaven, and it shall give thee no hold. I am
separated, and I will be separated.

_Zoy._ Dear my lord, husband!

_Zuc._ Hence, creature! I am none of thy husband, or
father of thy bastard. No, I will be tyrannous, and a
most deep revenger: the order shall stand. Ha, thou
quean, I ha' no wife now! 303

_Zoy._ Sweet my lord!

_Zuc._ Hence! avaunt! I will marry a woman with no
womb,--a creature with two noses,--a wench with no
hair,--rather than remarry thee! Nay, I will first marry,--mark
me, I will first marry,--observe me, I will rather
marry a woman that with thirst drinks the blood of man!
nay, heed me, a woman that will thrust in crowds,--a
lady, that, being with child, ventures the hope of her
womb,--nay, gives two crowns for a room to behold a
goodly man[247] three parts alive quartered, his privities
hackled off, his belly lanch'd[248] up! Nay, I'll rather marry
a woman to whom these smoking, hideous, bloodful, horrid,
tho' most just spectacles, are very lust, rather than reaccept
thee. Was I not a handsome fellow, from my foot
to my feather? Had I not wit?--nay, which is more,
was I not a Don, and didst thou Acteon me? Did I not
make thee a lady? 320

_Herc._ And did she not make you a more worshipful
thing,--a cuckold!

_Zuc._ I married thee in hope of children.

_Herc._ And has not she showed herself fruitful that was
got with child without help of her husband?

_Zuc._ Ha, thou ungrateful, immodest, unwise, and one[249]
that, God's my witness, I ha' lov'd! But, go thy ways;
twist with whom thou wilt: for my part, tha'st spun a
fair thread;--who'll kiss thee now,--who'll court thee
now,--who'll ha' thee now? 330

_Zoy._ Pity the frailty of my sex, sweet lord.

_Zuc._ No; pity is a fool, and I will not wear his[250] coxcomb.
I have vowed to loathe thee. The Irishman shall
hate _aqua vitae_,--the Welshman cheese,--the Dutchman
shall loath salt butter,--before I relove thee. Does the
babe pule? Thou shouldst ha' cried before, 'tis too late
now. No, the trees in autumn shall sooner call back
the spring with shedding of their leaves, than thou reverse
my just, irrevocable hatred with thy tears. Away! go!
vaunt! 340

[_Exeunt_ ZOYA _and the Ladies_.

_Herc._ Nay, but most of this is your fault, that for many
years, only upon mere mistrust, sever'd your body from
your lady, and in that time gave opportunity, turn'd a
jealous ass, and hired[251] some to try and tempt your
lady's honour, whilst she, with all possible industry of
apparent merit, diverting your unfortunate suspicion----

_Zuc._ I know't; I confess, all this I did, and I do
glory in't. Why? cannot a young lady for many months
keep honest? No, I misthought it. My wife had wit,
beauty, health, good birth, fair clothes, and a passing
body; a lady of rare discourse, quick eye, sweet language,
alluring behaviour, and exquisite entertainment.
I misthought it, I fear'd, I doubted, and at the last I
found it out. I praise my wit: I knew I was a cuckold.

_Herc._ An excellent wit. 355

_Zuc._ True, Fawn; you shall read of some lords that
have had such a wit, I can tell you; and I found it out
that I was a cuckold!

_Herc._ Which now you have found, you will not be such
an ass as Cæsar, great Pompey, Lucullus, Anthony, or
Cato, and divers other Romans,--cuckolds, who all knew
it, and yet were ne'er divorced upon't:--or, like that
smith-god, Vulcan, who, having taken his wife taking,
yet was presently appeased, and entreated to make an
armour for a bastard of hers, Æneas.[252] 365

_Zuc._ No, the Romans were asses, and thought that a
woman might mix her thigh with a stranger wantonly,
and yet still love her husband matrimonially.

_Herc._ As indeed they say a many married men lie sometime
with strange women, whom, but for the instant use,
they abhor.

_Zuc._ And as for Vulcan, 'twas humanity more than
human; such excess of goodness, for my part, only belong
to the gods.

_Herc._ Ass for you!

_Zuc._ As for me, my Fawn, I am a bachelor now.

_Herc._ But you are a cuckold still, and one that knows
himself to be a cuckold.

_Zuc._ Right, that's it; and I knew it not, 'twere nothing;
and if I had not pursued it too, it had lyen in oblivion,
and shadowed in doubt, but now I ha' blazed it. 381

_Herc._ The world shall know what you are.

_Zuc._ True; I'll pocket up no horns; but my revenge
shall speak in thunder.

_Herc._ Indeed, I must confess I know twenty are cuckolds,[253]
honestly and decently enough: a worthy gallant
spirit (whose virtue suppresseth his mishap) is lamented
but not disesteem'd by it; yet the world shall know----

_Zuc._ I am none of those silent coxcombs--it shall out.

_Herc._ And although it be no great part of injustice for
him to be struck with the scabbard that has struck with
the blade (for there is few of us but hath made some one
cuckold or other)---- 393

_Zuc._ True, I ha' done't myself.

_Herc._ Yet----

_Zuc._ Yet I hope a man of wit may prevent his own
mishap, or if he can prevent it----

_Herc._ Yet----

_Zuc._ Yet make it known yet, and so known that the
world may tremble with only thinking of it. Well,
Fawn, whom shall I marry now? O Heaven! that God
made for a man no other means of procreation and maintaining
the world peopled but by women! O![254] that we
could increase like roses, by being slipp'd one from
another,[255]--or like flies, procreate with blowing, or any
other way than by a woman,--by women, who have no
reason in their love or mercy in their hate, no rule in
their pity, no pity in their revenge, no judgment to speak,
and yet no patience to hold their tongues;
Man's opposite, the more held down, they swell; 410
Above them naught but will, beneath them naught but hell.

_Herc._ Or, that since Heaven hath given us no other
means to allay our furious appetite, no other way of increasing
our progeny,--since we must entreat and beg
for assuagement of our passions, and entertainment of
our affections,--why did not Heaven make us a nobler
creature than women, to show unto?--some admirable
deity, of an uncorruptible beauty, that might[256] be worth
our knees, the expense of our heat, and the crinkling of
our hams.[257] 420

_Zuc._ But that we must court, sonnet, flatter, bribe,
kneel, sue to so feeble and imperfect, inconstant, idle,
vain, hollow bubble, as woman is! O, my Fawn![258]

_Herc._ O, my lord, look who here comes!

_Enter_ ZOYA, _supported by a Gentleman Usher, followed by_
HEROD _and_ NYMPHADORO, _with much state; soft
music playing_.

_Zuc._ Death o' man! is she delivered?

_Herc._ Delivered! Yes, O my Don, delivered! Yes,
Donna Zoya,--the grace of society,--the music of sweetly
agreeing perfection,--more clearly chaste than ice or
frozen rain,--that glory of her sex,--that wonder of wit,--that
beauty more fresh'd than any cool and trembling
wind,--that now only wish of a man,--is delivered!--is
delivered! 432

_Zuc._ How?

_Herc._ From Don Zuccone, that dry scaliness,--that
sarpego,--that barren drouth, and shame of all humanity!

_Zoy._ What fellow's that?

_Nym._ Don Zuccone, your sometime husband.

_Enter_ PHILOCALIA.

_Zoy._ Alas! poor creature.

_Phil._ The princess prays your company.

_Zoy._ I wait upon her pleasure. 440

[_All but_ HERCULES, ZUCCONE, HEROD, _and_
NYMPHADORO, _depart_.

_Zuc._ Gentleman, why hazard you your reputation in
shameful company with such a branded creature?

_Herod._ Miserable man! whose fortune were beyond
tears to be pitied, but that thou art the ridiculous author
of thine own laugh'd-at mischief.

_Zuc._ Without paraphrase, your meaning?

_Nym._ Why, thou woman's fool?

_Zuc._ Good gentlemen, let one die but once.

_Herod._ Was not thou most curstfully mad to sever
thyself from such an unequall'd rarity? 450

_Zuc._ Is she not a strumpet? Is she not with child?

_Nym._ Yes, with feathers.

_Herc._ Why, weakness of reason, couldst not perceive
all was feign'd to be rid of thee?

_Zuc._ Of me?

_Nym._ She with child? Untrodden snow is not so
spotless!

_Herod._ Chaste as the first voice of a new-born infant!

_Herc._ Know, she grew loathing of thy jealousy!

_Nym._ Thy most pernicious curiosity. 460

_Herc._ Whose suspicions made her inimitable graces
motive of thy base jealousy.

_Herod._ Why, beast of man!

_Nym._ Wretched above expression! that snored'st over
a beauty which thousands desired!--neglectedst[259] her bed,
for whose enjoying a very saint would have sued!

_Herc._ Defamed her!

_Herod._ Suggested privily against her!

_Nym._ Gave foul language publicly of her! 469

_Herc._ And now, lastly, done that for her which she only
pray'd for, and wish'd as wholesome air for, namely, to be
rid from such an unworthy--

_Herod._ Senseless--

_Nym._ Injurious--

_Herc._ Malicious--

_Herod._ Suspicious--

_Nym._ Misshaped--

_Herc._ Ill-languaged--

_Herod._ Unworthy--

_Nym._ Ridiculous-- 480

_Herc._ Jealous--

_Herod._ Arch coxcomb as thou art!

[_Exeunt_ NYMPHADORO _and_ HEROD.

_Zuc._ O I am sick!--my blood has the cramp! my
stomach o'erturns!--O I am very sick!

_Herc._ Why, my sweet Don, you are no cuckold!

_Zuc._[260] That's the grief on't.

_Herc._ That's----

_Zuc._ That I ha' wrong'd so sweet (and now, in my
knowledge), so delicate a creature! O methinks I embrace
her yet! 490

_Herc._ Alas! my lord, you have done her no wrong--no
wrong in the world; you have done her a pleasure--a
great pleasure! A thousand gentlemen--nay, dukes--will
be proud to accept your leavings--your leavings!
Now is she courted! This heir sends her jewels, that
lord proffers her jointures, t'other knight proclaims challenges
to maintain her the only not beautiful, but very
beauty of women.

_Zuc._ But I shall never embrace her more! 499

_Herc._ Nay, that's true--that's most true. I would not
afflict you, only think how unrelentless you were to her
but supposed fault.

_Zuc._ O! 'tis true--too true!

_Herc._ Think how you scorn'd her tears!

_Zuc._ Most right!

_Herc._ Tears that were only shed (I would not vex you)
in very grief to see you covet your own shame!

_Zuc._ Too true--too true!

_Herc._ For, indeed, she is the sweetest modest soul, the
fullest of pity! 510

_Zuc._ O[261] ay! O ay!

_Herc._ The softness and very courtesy of her sex, as one
that never lov'd any----

_Zuc._ But me!

_Herc._ So much that he might hope to dishonour her,
nor any so little that he might fear she disdain'd[262] him.
O! the graces made her a soul as soft as spotless down
upon the swan's fair breast that drew bright Cytherea's
chariot. Yet think (I would not vex you), yet think how
cruel[263] you were to her. 520

_Zuc._ As a tiger--as a very tiger!

_Herc._ And never hope to be reconciled, never dream
to be reconciled--never!

_Zuc._ Never! Alas! good Fawn, what wouldst wish
me to do now?

_Herc._ Faith, go hang yourself, my Don; that's best,
sure.

_Zuc._ Nay, that's too good; for I'll do worse than that--I'll
marry again. Where canst pick out a morsel for
me, Fawn? 530

_Herc._ There is a modest, matron-like creature----

_Zuc._ What years, Fawn?

_Herc._ Some fourscore, wanting one.

_Zuc._ A good sober age! Is she wealthy?

_Herc._ Very wealthy.

_Zuc._ Excellent!

_Herc._ She has three hairs on her scalp and four teeth
in her head; a brow wrinkled and pucker'd like old
parchment half burnt. She has had eyes. No woman's
jawbones are more apparent; her sometimes envious
lips now shrink in, and give her nose and her chin leave
to kiss each other very moistly. As for her reverend
mouth, it seldom opens, but the very breath that flies
out of it infects the fowls of the air, and makes them
drop down dead. Her breasts hang like cobwebs;
her flesh will never make you cuckold; her bones
may. 547

_Zuc._ But is she wealthy?

_Herc._ Very wealthy.

_Zuc._ And will she ha' me, art sure?

_Herc._ No, sure, she will not have you. Why, do you
think that a waiting-woman of three bastards, a strumpet
nine times carted, or a hag whose eyes shoot poison--that
has been an old witch, and is now turning into a
gib-cat,[264]--what![265] will ha' you? Marry Don Zuccone, the
contempt of women and the shame of men, that has afflicted,
contemn'd so choice a perfection as Donna Zoya's! 557

_Zuc._ Alas! Fawn, I confess. What wouldst ha' me do?

_Herc._ Hang yourself! You shall not marry--you
cannot. I'll tell ye what ye shall do: there is a ship of
fools setting forth; if you make[266] good means, and intreat
hard, you may obtain a passage, man--be master's mate,
I warrant you.

_Zuc._ Fawn, thou art a scurvy bitter knave, and dost
flout Dons to their faces; 'twas thou flattered'st me to
this, and now thou laugh'st at me, dost? though indeed
I had a certain proclivity, but thou madest me resolute:
dost grin and gern?[267] O you comforters of life, helps
in sickness, joys in death, and preservers of us, in our
children, after death, women, have mercy on me! 570

_Herc._ O my Don, that God made no other means of
procreation but by these women! I speak it not to vex
you.

_Zuc._ O Fawn, thou hast no mercy in thee: dost thou
leer on me? Well, I'll creep upon my knees to my wife:
dost laugh at me? dost gern at me? dost smile? dost
leer on me, dost thou? O I am an ass; true, I am a
coxcomb; well, I am mad; good: a mischief on your
cogging tongue, your soothing throat, your oily jaws, your
supple hams,[268] your dissembling smiles, and O the grand
devil on you all! When mischief favours our fortunes,
and we are miserably,[269] tho' justly wretched, 582
More pity, comfort, and more help we have
In foes profess'd, than in a flattering knave.

[_Exit._

_Herc._ Thus few strike sail until they run on shelf;
The eye sees all things but his proper self;
In all things curiosity hath been
Vicious at least, but herein most pernicious.
What madness is't to search and find a wound
For which there is no cure, and which unfound 590
Ne'er rankles, whose finding only wounds?
But he that upon vain surmise forsakes
His bed thus long, only to search his shame;
Gives to his wife youth, opportunity,
Keeps her in idleful deliciousness,
Heats and inflames imagination,
Provokes her to revenge with churlish wrongs,--
What should he hope but this? Why should it lie in women,
Or even in chastity itself (since chastity's a female),
T' avoid desires so ripened, such sweets so candied? 600
But she that hath out-born such mass of wrongs,
Out-dured all persecutions, all contempts,
Suspects, disgrace, all wants, and all the mischief,
The baseness of a canker'd churl could cast upon her,
With constant virtue, best feign'd[270] chastity,
And in the end turns all his jealousies
To his own scorn, that lady, I implore,
It may be lawful not to praise, but even adore.

_Enter_ GONZAGO, GRANUFFO, _with full state. Enter the
Cornets sounding._

_Gon._ Are our sports ready? is the prince at hand?

_Herc._ The prince is now arrived at the court gate. 610

_Gon._ What means our daughter's breathless haste?

_Enter_ DULCIMEL _in haste_.

_Dul._ O my princely father, now or never let your
princely wisdom appear!

_Gon._ Fear not, our daughter, if it rest within human
reason, I warrant thee; no, I warrant thee, Granuffo, if
it rest in man's capacity. Speak, dear daughter.

_Dul._ My lord, the prince----

_Gon._ The prince, what of him, dear daughter?

_Dul._ O Lord, what wisdom our good parents need to
shield their chickens from deceits and wiles of kite-like
youth! 621

_Gon._ Her very phrase displays whose child she is.

_Dul._ Alas! had not your grace been provident,
A very Nestor in advice and knowledge,
Ha! where had you, poor Dulcimel, been now?
What vainness had not I been drawn into!

_Gon._ 'Fore God! she speaks very passionately. Alas!
daughter, Heaven gives every man his talent; indeed,
virtue and wisdom are not fortune's gifts, therefore those
that fortune cannot make virtuous, she commonly makes
rich; for our own part, we acknowledge Heaven's goodness;
and, if it were possible to be as wise again as we
are, we would ne'er impute it to ourselves: for, as we be
flesh and blood, alas! we are fools; but as we are princes,
scholars, and have read _Cicero de Oratore_, I must confess
there is another matter in't. What of the prince, dear
daughter? 637

_Dul._ Father, do you see that tree, that leans just on
my chamber window?

_Gon._ What of that tree?

_Enter_ TIBERIO _with his train_.

_Dul._ O, sir, but note the policy of youth;
Mark but the stratagems of working love.
The prince salutes me, and thus greets my ear.

_Gon._ Speak softly; he is enter'd.

_Dul._ Although he knew I yet stood wavering what to
elect, because, though I affected, yet destitute of means
to enjoy each other, impossibility of having might kill
our hope and with our hope desires to enjoy, therefore,
to avoid all faint excuses and vain fears, thus he devised--To
Dulcimel's chamber-window 650
A well-grown plane tree spreads his happy arms
By that, in depth of night, one may ascend
(Despite all father's jealousies and fears)
Into her bed.

_Gon._ Speak low; the prince both marks and listens.

_Dul._ You shall provide a priest (quoth he). In truth
I promised, and so you well may tell him; for I temporised,
and only held him off----

_Gon._ Politely; our daughter to a hair.

_Dul._ With full intention to disclose it all to your preventing
wisdom.

_Gon._ Ay, let me alone for that; but when intends he
this invasion?--when will this squirrel climb? 663

_Dul._ O, sir, in that is all:--when but this night?

_Gon._ This night?

_Dul._ This very night, when the court revels had o'erwaked
your spirits, and made them full of sleep,
then----

_Gon._ Then, _verbum sat sapienti_! Go, take your
chamber, down upon your knees; thank God your father
is no foolish sot, but one that can foresee and see. 671

[_Exit_ DULCIMEL.

My lord, we discharge your presence from our court.

_Tib._ What means the duke?

_Gon._ And if to-morrow past you rest in Urbin,
The privilege of an ambassador
Is taken from you.

_Tib._ Good, your grace: some reason?

_Gon._ What! twice admonish'd, twice again offending,
And, now grown blushless? You promis'd to get into
Her chamber, she to get a priest:
Indeed she wish'd me tell you she confess'd it: 680
And there, despite all father's jealous fears,
To consummate full joys. Know, sir, our daughter
Is our daughter, and has wit at will
To gull a thousand easy things like you.
But, sir, depart: the parliament prepar'd,
Shall on without you: all the court this night
Shall triumph that our daughter has escaped
Her honour's blowing up: your end you see
We speak but short but full, Socratice.

[_Exeunt all but_ HERCULES _and_ TIBERIO.

_Tib._ What should I think, what hope, what but imagine 690
Of these enigmas?[271]

_Herc._ Sure, sir, the lady loves you
With violent passion, and this night prepares
A priest with nuptial rites, to entertain you
In her most private chamber.

_Tib._ This I know,
With too much torture, since means are all unknown
To come unto these ends. Where's this her chamber?
Then what means shall without suspicion
Convey me to her chamber? O these doubts
End in despair----

_Enter_ GONZAGO _hastily_.

_Gon._ Sir, sir, this plane-tree was not planted here 700
To get into my daughter's chamber, and so she pray'd me tell you.
What though the main arms spread into her window,
And easy labour climbs it, sir, know
She has a voice to speak, and bid you welcome
With so full breast that both your ears shall hear on't,
And so she pray'd me tell you. Ha' we no brain!
Youth thinks that age, age knows that youth is vain.

[_Exit._

_Tib._ Why, now I have it, Fawn,--the way, the means,
and meaning. Good duke, and 'twere not for pity, I
could laugh at thee. Dulcimel, I am thine most miraculously;
I will now begin to sigh, read poets, look
pale, go neatly, and be most apparently in love; as
for---- 713

_Herc._ As for your old father----

_Tib._ Alas! he and all know, this an old saw hath bin,
Faith's breach for love and kingdoms is no sin.

[_Exit._

_Herc._ Where are we now, Cyllenian Mercury?
And thou, quick issue[272] of Jove's broken pate,
Aid and direct us; you better stars to knowledge,
Sweet constellations, that affect[273] pure oil, 720
And holy vigil of the pale-cheek'd muses,
Give your best influence, that with able spright
We may correct and please, giving full light
To every angle of this various sense:
Works of strong birth end better than commence.

[_Exit._

[222] As I am not sure whether we should read "Master" or
"Messer," (_Ital._), I follow the old copies.

[223] "Black-guard"--the kitchen-drudges.

[224] "And who not, shall"--omitted in ed. 3. and some copies of
ed. 1.

[225] "Would"--omitted in ed. 3. and some copies of ed. 1.

[226] So Dilke.--Old eds. "costly."

[227] Pilchard.--"If Cornish pilchards, otherwise called
_fumadoes_, be so saleable as they are in France, Spain, and
Italy," &c.--Nash's _Lenten Stuff_.

[228] Ed. 3. and some copies of ed. 1. "maidens."

[229] Ed. 1. "laide."--Ed. 3. "layd."

[230] Omitted in ed. 3.

[231] Large sleeves, stuffed with wool, hair, &c.

[232] Ed. 3. and some copies of ed. 1. "follow."

[233] Shelling.

[234] Ed. 3. "upon fair Madonna."

[235] Ed. 3. "were."

[236] Ed. 3. and some copies of ed. 1. "as."

[237] Ed. 3. and some copies of ed. 1. "doubtlest."

[238] "With a wet finger"--nimbly, easily.

[239] Eds. 1. and 3. "place and place."

[240] Probably a hit at Ben Jonson, who in _Volpone_ (acted in
1605) makes _laughter_ rhyme with _slaughter_:--
"E'en his face begetteth laughter,
And he speaks truth free from slaughter" (i. 1).

[241] Eds. 1. and 2. "philosopher."

[242] So ed. 3.--Eds. 1. and 2. "foole."

[243] Eds. 1. and 3. omit "Indeed," and read "_In fatis agimur_."

[244] So ed. 2.--Eds. 1. and 3. "in riches."

[245] Ed. 1. "on."

[246] "_Basilus manus_"--corrupt Spanish (for _besár los manos_).
Cf. Dyce's _Beaumont and Fletcher_, viii. 77; _Old Plays_, ed.
Bullen, ii. 114, iv. 316, &c.

[247] Possibly there is an allusion to the execution of Sir
Everard Digby, who, for his share in the Gunpowder Plot, was
drawn, hanged, and quartered on 30th January 1606. Cf. Middleton,
i. 255.

[248] _Lanch_ was an old form of _lance_. Cf. 1 _Tamburlaine_, i.
2:--
"And either _lanch_ his greedy thirsting throat,
Or take him prisoner."

[249] Omitted in eds. 1. and 3.

[250] Ed. 2. "hir."

[251] Ed. 1. "heard some so try."

[252] Omitted in eds. 1. and 3.

[253] Eds. 1. and 3. "cuckolds, and decently and stately enough."

[254] I have followed the reading of ed. 2. Eds. 1. and 3.
read:--"O that we could get one another with child, Fawn, or like
flies," &c.

[255] The reader will recall a famous passage of Sir Thomas
Browne's _Religio Medici_:--"I could be content that we might
procreate like trees, without conjunction, or that there were any
way to perpetuate the world without this trivial and vulgar way
of union: it is the foolishest act a wise man commits in all his
life." Montaigne has some reflections of a similar kind. See also
the complaint in Euripides' _Hippolytus_, ll. 616-24.

[256] "Might"--omitted in ed. 1.

[257] "Hams"--omitted in eds. 1. and 3.

[258] Ed. 1. "face."--Ed. 3. "fate."

[259] So ed. 3.--Eds. 1. and 2. "neglecst."

[260] Eds. 1. and 3. read:--"Thats the griefe on't _Herc._
[_Hercules_, ed. 3.] thats the griefe ont that I," &c.

[261] Ed. 2. "O yes! O yes!"

[262] Eds. 1. and 3. "disclaim'd."

[263] Ed. 1. "ciuill."

[264] A spayed cat.--"Why witches are turned into cats, he
[Bodin] alledgeth no reason, and therefore (to help him forth
with that paraphrase) I say that witches are curst queans, and
many times scratch one another or their neighbours by the faces;
and therefore perchance are turned into cats. But I have put
twenty of these witchmongers to silence with one question: to
wit--whether a witch that can turn a woman into cat can also turn
a cat into a woman."--Scot's _Discovery of Witchcraft_, book v.,
chap. 1.

[265] Omitted in ed. 2.

[266] So ed. 2.--Eds. 1. and 3. "see" and "seek."

[267] "Gern" = snarl.

[268] Eds. 1. and 3. "thumbes."

[269] Eds. 1. and 3. "miserable."

[270] Quy. "'fined" (= refined)?

[271] Eds. 1. and 3. "engines."

[272] Eds. 1. and 3. "messenger."

[273] Eds. 1. and 3. "effect."