Chapter III: Act I: Scene I

_A Street._

_Enter three Pages, with lights._ MULLIGRUB, FREEVILL,
MALHEUREUX, TYSEFEW, _and_ CAQUETEUR.

_Free._ Nay, comfort, my good host Shark; my good
Mulligrub.

_Mal._ Advance thy snout; do not suffer thy sorrowful
nose to drop on thy Spanish[2] leather jerkin, most
hardly-honest Mulligrub.

_Free._ What, cogging Cocledemoy is run away with
a neast[3] of goblets? True, what then? they will be
hammered out well enough, I warrant you.

_Mul._ Sure, some wise man would find them out
presently. 10

_Free._ Yes, sure, if we could find out some wise man
presently.

_Mal._ How was the plate lost? how did it vanish?

_Free._ In most sincere prose, thus: that man of much
money, some wit, but less honesty, cogging Cocledemoy,
comes this night late into mine hostess Mulligrub's
tavern here; calls for a room; the house being full,
Cocledemoy consorted with his movable chattel, his
instrument of fornication, the bawd Mrs. Mary Faugh,
are imparlour'd next the street; good poultry was their
food, blackbird, lark, woodcock; and mine host here
comes in, cries "God bless you!" and departs. A
blind harper enters, craves audience, uncaseth, plays;
the drawer, for female privateness' sake, is nodded out,
who knowing that whosoever will hit the mark of profit
must, like those that shoot in stone-bows,[4] wink with
one eye, grows blind o' the right side, and departs. 27

_Caq._ He shall answer for that winking with one eye
at the last day.

_Mal._ Let him have day[5] till then, and he will wink
with both his eyes.

_Free._ Cocledemoy, perceiving none in the room but
the blind harper (whose eyes Heaven had shut up from
beholding wickedness), unclasps a casement to the
street very patiently, pockets up three bowls unnaturally,
thrusts his wench forth the window, and himself
most preposterously, with his heels forward, follows:
the unseeing harper plays on, bids the empty dishes and
the treacherous candles much good do them. The
drawer returns, but, out alas! not only the birds, but
also the neast of goblets, were flown away. Laments
are raised---- 42

_Tys._ Which did not pierce the heavens.

_Free._ The drawers moan, mine host doth cry, the
bowls are gone.

_Mul._ _Hic finis Priami!_

_Mal._ Nay, be not jaw-fall'n, my most sharking Mulligrub.

_Free._ 'Tis your just affliction; remember the sins of
the cellar, and repent, repent! 50

_Mul._ I am not jaw-fall'n, but I will hang the coney-catching
Cocledemoy; and there's an end of't.

[_Exit._

_Caq._ Is it a right stone? it shows well by candle-light.

_Free._ So do many things that are counterfeit, but I
assure you this is a right diamond.

_Caq._ Might I borrow it of you? it will not a little
grace my finger in visitation of my mistress.

_Free._ Why, use it, most sweet Caqueteur, use it.

_Caq._ Thanks, good sir; 'tis grown high night:
gentles, rest to you.
[_Exit._

_Tys._ A torch! Sound wench, soft sleep, and sanguine
dreams to you both. On, boy! 62

_Free._ Let me bid you good rest.

_Mal._ Not so, trust me, I must bring my friend home:
I dare not give you up to your own company; I fear
the warmth of wine and youth will draw you to some
common house of lascivious entertainment.

_Free._ Most necessary buildings, Malheureux; ever
since my intention of marriage, I do pray for their
continuance. 70

_Mal._ Loved sir, your reason?

_Free._ Marry, lest my house should be made one. I
would have married men love the stews as Englishmen
loved the Low Countries: wish war should be maintain'd
there, lest it should come home to their own doors.
What, [not] suffer a man to have a hole to put his head
in, though he go to the pillory for it! Youth and appetite
are above the club of Hercules.

_Mal._ This lust is a most deadly sin, sure.

_Free._ Nay, 'tis a most lively sin, sure. 80

_Mal._ Well, I am sure, 'tis one of the head sins.

_Free._ Nay, I am sure it is one of the middle sins.

_Mal._ Pity 'tis grown a most daily vice.

_Free._ But a more nightly vice, I assure you.

_Mal._ Well, 'tis a sin.

_Free._ Ay, or else few men would wish to go to heaven:
and, not to disguise with my friend, I am now going the
way of all flesh.

_Mal._ Not to a courtezan?

_Free._ A courteous one. 90

_Mal._ What, to a sinner?

_Free._ A very publican.

_Mal._ Dear, my loved friend, let me be full with you:
Know, sir, the strongest argument that speaks
Against the soul's eternity is lust,
That wise man's folly, and the fool's wisdom:
But to grow wild in loose lasciviousness,
Given up to heat and sensual appetite,
Nay, to expose your health and strength and name,
Your precious time, and with that time the hope 100
Of due preferment, advantageous means,
Of any worthy end, to the stale use,
The common bosom of a money creature,
One that sells human flesh--a mangonist!

_Free._ Alas, good creatures! what would you have
them do? Would you have them get their living by
the curse of man, the sweat of their brows? So they do:
every man must follow his trade, and every woman her
occupation. A poor decayed mechanical man's wife,
her husband is laid up, may not she lawfully be laid
down, when her husband's only rising is by his wife's
falling? A captain's wife wants means; her commander
lies in open fields abroad, may not she lie in civil arms
at home? A waiting gentlewoman, that had wont to
take say[6] to her lady, miscarries or so; the court
misfortune throws her down; may not the city courtesy
take her up? Do you know no alderman would pity
such a woman's case?[7] Why, is charity grown a sin,
or relieving the poor and impotent an offence? You
will say beasts take no money for their fleshly entertainment:
true, because they are beasts, therefore beastly;[8]
only men give to loose, because they are men, therefore
manly: and indeed, wherein should they bestow their
money better? In land, the title may be crack'd; in
houses, they may be burnt; in apparel, 'twill wear; in
wine, alas for our pity! our throat is but short: but
employ your[9] money upon women, and a thousand to
nothing, some one of them will bestow that on you
which shall stick by you as long as you live; they are
no ungrateful persons, they will give quid [10] for quo: do
ye protest, they'll swear; do you rise, they'll fall; do
you fall, they'll rise; do you give them the French
crown, they'll give you the French--_O justus justa
justum!_ They sell their bodies: do not better persons
sell their souls? nay, since all things have been sold,
honour, justice, faith, nay, even God Himself, 136
Aye me, what base ignobleness is it
To sell the pleasure of a wanton bed!
Why do men scrape, why heap to full heaps join?
But for his mistress, who would care for coin?
For this I hold to be denied of no man,
All things are made for man, and man for woman.
Give me my fee.

_Mal._ Of ill you merit well. My heart's good friend,
Leave yet at length, at length; for know this ever,
'Tis no such sin to err, but to persever.

_Free._ Beauty is woman's virtue, love the life's music,
and woman the dainties, or second course of heaven's
curious workmanship. Since then beauty, love, and
woman are good, how can the love of woman's beauty
be bad? and, _Bonum, quo communius, eo melius_: wilt
then go with me? 152

_Mal._ Whither?

_Free._ To a house of salvation.

_Mal._ Salvation?

_Free._ Yes, 'twill make thee repent. Wilt go to the
family of love?[11] I will show thee my creature; a pretty
nimble-ey'd Dutch tanakin;[12] an honest soft-hearted
impropriation; a soft, plump, round-cheek'd froe,[13] that
has beauty enough for her virtue, virtue enough for a
woman, and woman enough for any reasonable man in
my knowledge. Wilt pass along with me? 162

_Mal._ What, to a brothel?--to behold an impudent
prostitution;[14] fie on't, I shall hate the whole sex to see
her. The most odious spectacle the earth can present
is an immodest vulgar woman.

_Free._ Good still; my brain shall keep't. You must
go as you love me.

_Mal._ Well, I'll go to make her loath the shame she's in;
The sight of vice augments the hate of sin. 170

_Free._ The sight of vice augments the hate of sin!
Very fine, perdy!

[_Exeunt._

[1] In the old eds., opposite the title, is written, "Turpe est
difficiles habere nugas." The quotation is from Martial, ii. 86.

[2] Spanish leather was held in great esteem.--See Middleton,
viii. 70.

[3] The word "nest" was frequently written "neast." (Cotgrave
has--"_Nicher._ To _neastle_, build or make a _neast_ in;"
"_Nid_: neast.") A "nest of goblets" was a large goblet
containing several others of gradually diminishing size.

[4] A cross-bow for shooting stones or bullets. ("_Arbaleste à
boulet._" A _stone-bow_.--_Cotgrave._)

[5] A debtor was said to have _day_ (or _longer day_) when his
creditors allowed him to defer payment.

[6] "Take say" is used here with a double meaning. "Say" was a
sort of delicate serge; but the waiting-woman _takes say_
(_i.e._, assay) because she tastes before her mistress (and is
suitably rewarded for her lickorousness).

[7] A play on words: (1) case; (2) kaze ( = _pudendum muliebre_).

[8] Compare the witticism of Julia, daughter of Augustus, in
Macrobius (_Saturn._, ii. 5).

[9] Ed. 2. "you."

[10] Old eds. "quite" and "quit."

[11] For an account of the religious sect called _The Family of
Love_, see Middleton, iii. 3-5.

[12] Halliwell (_Dict. of Arch. and Prov. Words_) quotes from
Armin's _Nest of Ninnies_:--"Out she would, tucks up her
trinkets, like a Dutch _tannikin_ sliding to market on the ice,
and away she flings."

[13] Woman (_Dutch_).

[14] Whore. (The word _brothel_ was so used).--Cf. Middleton, i.
269: "I may grace her with the name of a courtezan, a backslider,
a _prostitution_," &c.

SCENE II.

_A Brothel._

_Enter_ COCLEDEMOY _and_ MARY FAUGH.

_Coc._ Mary, Mary Faugh.

_Mar._ Hem.[15]

_Coc._ Come, my worshipful rotten rough-bellied bawd!
ha! my blue-tooth'd patroness of natural wickedness,
give me the goblets.

_Mar._ By yea and by nay, Master Cocledemoy, I fear
you'll play the knave, and restore them.

_Coc._ No, by the lord, aunt,[16] restitution is catholic,
and thou know'st we love----

_Mar._ What? 10

_Coc._ Oracles are ceased: _tempus præteritum_, doest hear,
my worshipful glysterpipe, thou ungodly fire that burnt
Diana's temple?--doest hear, bawd?

_Mar._ In very good truthness, you are the foulest-mouth'd,
profane, railing brother, call a woman the most
ungodly names: I must confess, we all eat of the forbidden
fruit, and for mine own part, though I am one of
the family of love, and, as they say, a bawd that covers
the multitude of sins, yet I trust I am none of the wicked
that eat fish o' Fridays. 20

_Coc._ Hang toasts! I rail at thee, my worshipful organ-bellows
that fills the pipes, my fine rattling fleamy cough
o' the lungs, and cold with a pox? I rail at thee? what,
my right precious pandress, supportress of barber-surgeons,
and enhanceress[17] of lotium[18] and diet-drink?[19]
I rail at thee, necessary damnation? I'll make an
oration, I, in praise of thy most courtly in-fashion and
most pleasureable function, I.

_Mar._ Ay, prithee do, I love to hear myself praised, as
well as any old lady, I. 30

_Coc._ List then:--a bawd; first for her profession or
vocation, it is most worshipful of all the twelve companies;
for, as that trade is most honourable that sells
the best commodities--as the draper is more worshipful
than the pointmaker, the silkman more worshipful than
the draper, and the goldsmith more honourable than
both, little Mary, so the bawd above all: her shop has
the best ware; for where these sell but cloth, satins, and
jewels, she sells divine virtues, as virginity, modesty, and
such rare gems; and those not like a petty chapman, by
retail, but like a great merchant, by wholesale; wa, ha,
ho! And who are her customers? Not base corn-cutters
or sowgelders, but most rare wealthy knights,
and most rare bountiful lords, are her customers. Again,
whereas no trade or vocation profiteth but by the loss
and displeasure of another--as the merchant thrives not
but by the licentiousness of giddy[20] and unsettled youth;
the lawyer, but by the vexation of his client; the physician,
but by the maladies of his patient--only my
smooth-gumm'd bawd lives by others' pleasure, and
only grows rich by others' rising. O merciful gain, O
righteous in-come! So much for her vocation, trade,
and life. As for their death, how can it be bad, since
their wickedness is always before their eyes, and a
death's[21] head most commonly on their middle-finger?
To conclude, 'tis most certain they must needs both live
well and die well, since most commonly they live in
Clerkenwell,[22] and die in Bride-well. _Dixi, Mary._ 158

_Enter_ FREEVILL _and_ MALHEUREUX.

_Free._ Come along, yonder's the preface or exordium
to my wench, the bawd. Fetch, fetch! What! Mr.
Cocledemoy, is your knaveship yet stirring? Look to it,
Mulligrub lies[23] for you.

_Enter_ COCLEDEMOY.

_Coc._ The more fool he; I can lie for myself, worshipful
friend. Hang toasts! I vanish. Ha! my fine boy,
thou art a scholar, and hast read Tully's _Offices_, my fine
knave. Hang toasts!

_Free._ The vintner will toast you, and he catch you.

_Coc._ I will draw the vintner to the stoop, and when
he runs low, tilt him. Ha! my fine knave, art going to
thy recreation? 170

_Free._ Yes, my capricious rascal.

_Coc._ Thou wilt look like a fool then, by and by.

_Free._ Look like a fool, why?

_Coc._ Why, according to the old saying: a beggar
when he is lousing of himself, looks like a philosopher;
a hard-bound philosopher, when he is on the stool, looks
like a tyrant; and a wise man, when he is in his belly
act, looks like a fool. God give your worship good rest!
grace and mercy keep your syringe straight, and your
lotium unspilt. 180

_Enter_ FRANCESCHINA.

_Free._ See, sir, this is she.

_Mal._ This?

_Free._ This.

_Mal._ A courtezan?--Now, cold blood defend me!
What a propension[24] afflicts me!

_Fran._ O, mine aderliver[25] love, vat sall me do to requit
dis your mush affection?

_Free._ Marry, salute my friend, clip his neck, and kiss
him welcome.

_Fran._ A' mine art, sir, you bin very velcome. 190

_Free._ Kiss her, man, with a more familiar affection, so.
Come, what entertainment? go to your lute.

[_Exit_ FRANCESCHINA.

And how dost approve my sometimes elected? She's
none of your ramping cannibals that devour man's flesh,
nor any of your Curtian gulfs that will never be satisfied
until the best thing a man has be thrown into them.
I loved her with my heart, until my soul showed me the
imperfection of my body, and placed my affection on a
lawful love, my modest Beatrice, which if this shortheels
knew, there were no being for me with eyes before her
face. But, faith, dost thou not somewhat excuse my
sometimes incontinency, with her enforcive beauties?
Speak. 203

_Mal._ Hah! she is a whore, is she not?

_Free._ Whore? fie, whore! you may call her a courtezan,
a cockatrice,[26] or (as that worthy spirit of an eternal happiness
said) a suppository. But whore! fie, 'tis not in
fashion to call things by their right names. Is a great
merchant a cuckold, you must say he is one of the
livery. Is a great lord a fool, you must say he is weak.
Is a gallant pocky, you must say he has the court scab.
Come, she's your mistress or so. 212

_Enter_ FRANCESCHINA, _with her lute_.

Come, siren, your voice.

_Fra._ Vill not you stay in mine bosom to-night, love?

_Free._ By no means, sweet breast; this gentleman has
vow'd to see me chastely laid.

_Fra._ He shall have a bed too, if dat it please him.

_Free._ Peace, you tender him offence; he is one of a
professed abstinence. Siren, your voice and away.

_She sings to her Lute._

THE SONG.

_The dark is my delight, 220
So 'tis the nightingale's;
My music's in the night,
So is the nightingale's;
My body is but little,
So is the nightingale's;
I love to sleep 'gainst prickle,
So doth the nightingale._

Thanks; buss; so. The night grows old; good rest.

_Fra._ Rest to mine dear love; rest, and no long absence. 230

_Free._ Believe me, not long.

_Fra._ Sall ick not believe you long?

[_Exit_ FRANCESCHINA.

_Free._ O yes, come, _via!_[27]--away, boy--on!

[_Exit, his Page lighting him._

_Re-enter_ FREEVILL, _and seems to overhear_ MALHEUREUX.

_Mal._ Is she unchaste--can such a one be damn'd?
O love and beauty! ye two eldest seeds
Of the vast chaos, what strong right you have
Even in things divine--our very souls!

_Free._ [_aside._] Wha, ha, ho! come, bird, come. Stand, peace!

_Mal._ Are strumpets then such things so delicate?
Can custom spoil what nature made so good? 240
Or is their custom bad? Beauty's for use--
I never saw a sweet face vicious!
It might be proud, inconstant, wanton, nice,
But never tainted with unnatural vice.
Their worst is, their best art is love to win--
O that to love should be or shame, or sin!

_Free._ [_aside._] By the Lord! he's caught! Laughter eternal!

_Mal._ Soul, I must love her! Destiny is weak
To my affection.--A common love!--
Blush not, faint breast! 250
That which is ever loved of most is best.
Let colder eld the strong'st objections move,
No love's without some lust, no life without some love.

_Free._ Nay, come on, good sir; what, though the most
odious spectacle the world can present be an immodest
vulgar woman? yet, sir, for my sake----

_Mal._ Well, sir, for your sake, I'll think better of them.

_Free._ Do, good sir; and pardon me that have brought you in:
You know the sight of vice augments the hate of sin.

_Mal._ Hah! will you go home, sir; 'tis high bedtime? 260

_Free._ With all my heart, sir; only do not chide me.
I must confess----

_Mal._ A wanton lover you have been.

_Free._ O that to love should be or shame or sin!

_Mal._ Say ye?

_Free._ Let colder eld the strongest objections move!

_Mal._ How's this?

_Free._ No love's without some lust, no life without some love.
Go your ways for an apostata! I believe my cast garment
must be let out in the seams for you when all is
done. 270
Of all the fools that would all man out-thrust,
He that 'gainst Nature would seem wise is worst.

[_Exeunt._

[15] Cf. Middleton, iv. 246.

[16] Cant term for a bawd.

[17] "_Encherisseur._ A high bidder or out-bidder of others; a
raiser or _enhancer_ of the price of things," &c.--_Cotgrave._

[18] Old eds. "lotinus."

[19] "Diet-drink"--medicine prescribed for a patient who was
_taking diet_ (_i.e._, being treated for the pox).

[20] Ed. 2. "giddy youth, and unsetled."

[21] It appears from many passages in old writers that bawds were
accustomed to wear rings with death's heads on them. Cf. Dekker
and Webster's _Northward Ho_, iv. 1:--"And as if I were a bawd no
ring pleases me but a death's head."

[22] Turnmill Street, the headquarters of Elizabethan whores, was
situated in Clerkenwell.

[23] _i.e._, is in ambush.

[24] Old eds. "proportion."

[25] A corruption of Dutch "alderliefster."

[26] A term for a courtezan; particularly applied to a captain's
mistress.

[27] "Via"--away, on!