Chapter XXII: Act V: Scene I

ALBANO'S _house; a Street; the Duke's palace_.

_The curtains are drawn by a Page, and_ CELIA _and_ LAVERDURE,
QUADRATUS _and_ LYZABETTA, LAMPATHO _and_ MELETZA, SIMPLICIUS
_and_ LUCIA, _displayed, sitting at dinner. The song is sung,
during which a Page whispers with_ SIMPLICIUS.

_Qua._ _Feed,_[539] _and be fat, my fair Calipolis._
Rivo,[540] here's good juice, fresh borage, boy!

_Lam._ I commend, commend myself to ye, lady.

_Mel._ In troth, sir, you dwell far from neighbours, that
are enforced to commend yourself.

_Qua._ Why, Simplicius, whither now, man? for good
fashion's sake, stir not; sit still, sit still.

_Sim._ I must needs rise; much good do it you.

_Qua._ Doest thou think thy rising will do them much
good? Sit still; sit still; carve me of that, good
Meletza. Fill, Bacchus, fill! 11

_Sim._ I must needs be gone; and you'll come to my
chamber to-morrow morning, I send you a hundred
crowns.

_Qua._ In the name of prosperity, what tide of happiness
so suddenly flow'd upon thee?

_Sim._ I'll keep a horse and four boys, with grace of
fortune now.

_Qua._ Now, then, i'faith, get up and ride. 19

_Sim._ And I do not, I'll thwack[541] a jerkin till he groan
again with gold lace. Let me see; what should I desire
of God? Marry, a cloak, lined with rich taffeta; white
satin suit; and my gilt rapier from pawn: nay, she
shall give me a chain of pearl, that shall pay for all.
Good-bye, good signior; good-bye, good signior.

_Qua._ Why, now, thou speaketh in the most embraced
fashion that our time hugs; no sooner a good fortune
or a fresh suit falls upon a fellow that would ha' been
gull'd to ha' shoved into your society, but, and he me[e]t
you, he fronts you with a faint eye, throws a squint glance
over a wried shoulder, and cries 'twixt the teeth, as very
parsimonious of breath, "Good-bye, good signior; good-bye,
good signior." Death, I will search the lifeblood
of your hopes. 34

_Sim._ And a fresh pearl-colour silk stocking----O
ay, ay, ay, ay, I'll go to the half-crown ordinary[542] every
meal; I'll have my ivory box of tobacco; I'll converse
with none but counts and courtiers. Now,--good-bye,
good signior,--a pair of massy silver spurs, too, a hatch[543]
short sword, and then your embroider'd hanger;[544] and,
good signior---- 41

_Qua._ Shut the windows, darken the room, fetch whips;
the fellow is mad: he raves, he raves,--talks idly,--lunatic:
who procures thy----

_Sim._ One that has ate fat capon, suck'd the boil'd
chicken, and let out his wit with the fool of bounty, one
Fabius. I'll scorn him; he goes upon Fridays in black
satin. 48

_Qua._ Fabius! By this light, a cogging cheator:[545] he
lives on love of merchants' wives; he stands on the base
of mains;[546] he furnisheth your ordinary, for which he
feeds scot-free; keeps fair gold in his purse, to put on
upon mains, by which he lives, and keeps a fair boy at
his heels: he is damn'd Fabius.

_Sim._ He is a fine man, law, and has a good wit; for
when he list he can go in black satin, ay, and in a cloak
lined with unshorn velvet. 57

_Qua._ By the salvation of humanity, he's more pestilent
than the plague of lice that fell upon Egypt; thou hast
been knave if thou credit it; thou art an ass if thou
follow it; and shalt be a perpetual idiot if thou pursue
it: renounce the world, the flesh, the devil, and thy trust
in men's wives, for they will double with thee: and
so I betake myself to the sucking of the juice capon,
my ingle bottle-ale, and his gentleman usher, that
squirers him, red herring. A fool I found thee and
a fool I leave thee; bear record, Heaven, 'tis against
the providence of my speech. Good-bye, good signior.

[_Exit._

_Enter_ SLIP, NOUS, DOIT, _and_ BIDET.

_Sim._ Ha, ha, ha! Good-bye, good signior! What a
fool 'tis! Ha, ha, what an ass 'tis! Save you, young
gentlemen, is she coming? Will she meet me? Shall's
encounter? Ha? 72

_Bid._ You were not lapt in your mother's smock:[547] you
ha' not a good cheek, an enticing eye, a smooth skin, a
well-shaped leg, a fair hand: you cannot bring a wench
into a fool's paradise for you.

_Sim._ Not I, by this garter. I am a fool, a very ninny,
I! How call you her? How call you her?

_Bid._ Call her? You rise on your right side to-day,
marry. Call her? her name is Mistress Perpetuana:
she is not very fair, nor goes extraordinary gay. 81

_Sim._ She has a good skin?

_Bid._ A good skin? She is wealthy; her husband's a
fool: she'll make you; she wears the breeches: she'll
make you----

_Sim._ I'll keep two men, and they shall be tailors; they
shall make suits continually, and those shall be cloth of
silver. 88

_Bid._ You may go in beaten precious stones every day.
Marry, I must acquaint you with some observances,
which you must pursue most religiously. She has a
fool; a natural fool waits on her, that is indeed her
pander; to him, at the first, you must be bounteous;
whatsoe'er he craves,--be it your hat, cloak, rapier,
purse, or such trifle,--give't, give't; the night will pay
all; and to draw all suspect from pursuing her love for
base gain sake. 97

_Sim._ Give't? by this light, I'll give't, were't--Gain! I
care not for her chain of pearl, only her love: gain!
The first thing her bounty shall fetch is my blush-colour
satin suit from pawn: gain!

_Bid._ When you hear one wind a cornet, she is coming
down Saint Mark's Street: prepare your speech, suck
your lips, lighten your spirits, fresh your blood, sleek
your cheeks, for now thou shalt be made for ever (a perpetual
and eternal gull).

[_Exit_ BIDET.

_Sim._ I shall so ravish her with my courtship; I have
such variety of discourse, such copy[548] of phrase to begin,
as this:--Sweet lady, Ulysses' dog, after his master's ten
years' travel--I shall so tickle her: or thus,--Pure
beauty, there is a stone[549]---- 111

_Slip._ Two stones, man.

_Sim._ Call'd--'tis no matter what. I ha' the eloquence;
I am not to seek, I warrant you.

_The cornet is winded. Enter_ PIPPO, BIDET; Pippo _attired
like a merchant's wife, and_ BIDET _like a fool_.

Sweet lady, Ulysses' dog, there's a stone called---- O
Lord! what shall I say?

_Slip._ Is all your eloquence come to this?

_Sim._ The glorious radiant of your glimmering eyes,
your glittering beauties blind my wit, and dazzle my----

_Pip._ I'll put on my mask, and please you; pray you,
wink, pray you. 121

_Bid._ O fine man! my mistress loves you best. I
dreamt you ga' me this sword and dagger. I love your
hat and feather, O----

_Sim._ Do not cry, man; do not cry, man: thou shalt
ha' them. Ay, and they were----

_Bid._ O, that purse, with all the white pence in it!
Fine man! I love you! Give you the fine red pence
soon at night? He! I thank you: where's the fool
now? 130

_Sim._ He has all my money; I have to keep myself,
and----

_Slip._ Poght!

_Pip._ Sir, the fool shall lead you to my house; the
fool shall not. At night I expect you: till then, take
this seal of my affection.

_Qua._ [_within_]. What, Simplicius!

_Sim._ I come, Quadratus. Gentlemen, as yet I can
but thank you; but I must be trusted for my ordinary
soon at night: or stay, I'll--The fool has unfurnish'd
me; but 'twill come again, good bye. 141

_Qua._ [_within_]. What, ho! Simplicius!

_Sim._ Good bye, good boys. I come, I come, good
bye,[550] good boys.

[_Exit._

_Bid._ The fool shall wait on thee. Now, do I merit
to be yclept, _Bosphoros Carmelydon Honorificacuminos
Bidet_? Who, who has any square dice?

_Pip._ Marry, sir, that have I.

_Bid._ Thou shalt lose thy share for it in our purchase.[551]

_Pip._ I pray you now, pray you now. 150

_Bid._ Sooner the whistle[552] of a mariner
Shall sleek the rough curbs of the ocean back.--
Now speak I like myself: thou shalt lose thy share.

_Enter_ Quadratus, LAVERDURE, _and_ CELIA; SIMPLICIUS, MELETZA,
Lyzabetta, LUCIA, _and_ LAMPATHO.

_Pip._ Ha! take all, then. Ha!

_Qua._ Without cloak, or hat, or rapier? Fie!

_Sim._ God's me! Look yonder. Who gave you these
things?

_Bid._ Mistress Perpetuana's fool.

_Sim._ Mistress Perpetuana's fool! Ha, ha! there lies
a jest. Signor, the fool promised me he would not
leave me. 161

_Bid._ I know the fool well. He will stick to you:
does not use to forsake any youth that is enamour'd on
another man's wife; he strives to keep company with a
crimson satin suit continually; he loves to be all one
with a critic; a good wit, self-conceited, a hawk-bearer,
a dog-keeper, and great with the nobility; he doats
upon a mere scholar, an honest flat fool; but, above
all, he is all one with a fellow whose cloak hath a better
inside than his outside, and his body richer lined than
his brain. 171

_Sim._ Uds so! I am cozened.

_Pip._ Pray you, master, pardon me; I must lose my
share.

_Sim._ Give me my purse again.

_Bid._ You gave it me, and I'll keep't.

_Qua._ Well done, my honest crack, thou shalt be my
ingle for't.

_Lav._ He shall keep all, maugre thy beardless chin, thy
eyes. 180

_Sim._ I may go starve till midsummer quarter.

_Qua._ Fool! Get thee hence.

_Pip._ I'll to school again, that I will: I left in _ass in
presenti_, and I'll begin in _ass in presenti_; and so good
night, fair gentry.

[_Exit_ PIPPO.

_Qua._ The triple idiot's coxcomb crown[553] thee,
Bitter epigrams confound thee;
Cuckold be whene'er thou bride thee;
Through every comic scene be drawn;
Never come thy clothes from pawn; 190
Never may thy shame be sheathed,
Never kiss a wench sweet-breathed.

[_Cornets sound._

_Enter as many Pages with torches as you can_; RANDOLFO,
ANDREA,[554] JACOMO _bare-headed; the Duke with attendants_.

_Ran._ Cease! the duke approacheth: 'tis almost night,
For the duke's up: now begins his day.
Come, grace his entrance. Lights! lights! Now 'gins our play.

_Duke._ Still these same bawling pipes: sound softer strains!
Slumber our sense: tut! these are vulgar strains.
Cannot your trembling wires throw a chain
Of powerful rapture 'bout our mazèd sense?
Why is our chair thus cushion'd tapestry, 200
Why is our bed tirèd with wanton sports,
Why are we clothed in glistering attires,
If common bloods can hear, can feel,
Can sit as soft, lie as lascivious,
Strut[555] all as rich as the greatest potentate:--
Soul! and you cannot feast my thristing[556] ears
With aught but what the lip of common birth can taste,
Take all away; your labour's idly waste.
What sport for night?

_Lam._ A comedy, entitled Temperance. 210

_Duke._ What sot elects that subject for the court?
What should dame Temperance do here? Away!
The itch on Temperance, your moral play!

_Qua._ Duke, prince, royal blood!--thou that hast the
best means to be damn'd of any lord in Venice;--thou
great man! let me kiss thy flesh. I am fat,[557] and therefore
faithful; I will do that which few of thy subjects
do,--love thee: but I will never do that which all thy
subjects do,--flatter thee thy humour's real, good. A comedy! 220
No, and thy sense would banquet in delights
Appropriate to the blood of emperors,
Peculiar to the state of majesty,
That none can relish but dilated greatness,
Vouchsafe to view the structure of a scene
That stands on tragic solid passion.
O that's fit traffic to commerce with births,
Strain'd from the mud of base unable brains!
Give them a scene may force their struggling blood
Rise up on tiptoe in attention, 230
And fill their intellect with pure elixed wit;
O that's for greatness apt, for princes fit!

_Duke._ Darest thou then undertake to suit our ears
With such rich vestment?

_Qua._ Dare! Yes, my prince, I dare;--nay, more, I will.
And I'll present a subject worth thy soul;--
The honour'd end of Cato Utican.

_Duke._ Who'll personate him?

_Qua._ Marry, that will I, on sudden, without change.

_Duke._ Thou want'st a beard. 240

_Qua._ Tush! a beard ne'er made Cato, though many
men's Cato hang only on their chin.
Suppose this floor the city Utica,
The time the night that prolonged Cato's death;
Now being placed 'mong his philosophers,
These first discourse the soul's eternity.

_Jaco._ Cato grants that, I am sure, for he was valiant
and honest, which an epicure ne'er was, and a coward
never will be.

_Qua._ Then Cato holds a distinct notion 250
Of individual actions after death.
This being argued, his resolve maintains
A true magnanimous spirit should give up dirt
To dirt, and with his own flesh dead his flesh,
'Fore chance should force it crouch unto his foe;
To kill one's self, some ay, some hold it no.
O these are points would entice away one's soul
To break indenture of base prenticage,

_Enter_ FRANCISCO.

And run away from 's body in swift thoughts,
To melt in contemplation's luscious sweets! 260
Now, O my voluptuous duke, I'll feed thy sense
Worth his creation: give me audience.

_Fran._ My liege, my royal liege, hear, hear my suit.

_Qua._ Now may thy breath ne'er smell sweet as long as
thy lungs can pant, for breaking my speech, thou Muscovite!
thou stinking perfumer! 266

_Enter_ ALBANO.

_Duke._ Is not this Albano, our sometimes courtier?

_Fran._ No, troth, but Francisco, your always perfumer.

_Alb._ Lorenzo Celso, our brave Venice Duke, Albano
Belletzo, thy merchant, thy soldier, thy courtier, thy slave,
thy anything, thy What thou Wilt, kisseth thy noble
blood. Do me right, or else I am canonized a cuckold!
canonized a cuckold! I am abused!--I am abused!--my
wife's abused!--my clothes abused!--my shape,--my
house,--my all,--abused! I am sworn out of myself,--beated
out of myself,--baffled,--jeer'd at,--laugh'd at,--barred
my own house,--debarr'd my own wife!--whilst
others swill my wines,--gormandize my meat, meat,--kiss
my wife!--O gods! O gods! O gods! O gods!
O gods! 280

_Lav._ Who is't? Who is't?

_Cel._ Come, sweet, this is your waggery, i'faith; as if
you knew him not.

_Lav._ Yes, I fear I do too well: would I could slide
away invisible.

_Duke._ Assured this is he.

_Jaco._ My worthy liege, the jest comes only thus.
Now to stop and cross it with mere like deceit:
All being known, the French knight hath disguised
A fiddler, like Albano too, to fright the perfumer:--this
is all. 291

_Duke._ Art sure 'tis true?

_Mel._ 'Tis confess'd 'tis right.

_Alb._ Ay, 'tis right, 'tis true; right; I am a fiddler, a
fiddler, a fiddler,--uds fut! a fiddler. I'll not believe
thee; thou art a woman: and 'tis known, _veritas non
quærit angulos_, truth seeks not to lurk under varthingalls;
_veritas non quærit angulos_; a fiddler?

_Lav._ Worthy sir, pardon; and permit me first to confess
[to] yourself,--your deputation[558] dead, hath made my
love live, to offend you. 301

_Alb._ Ay, mock on,--scoff on,--flout on,--do, do, do.

_Lav._ Troth, sir, in serious.

_Alb._ Ay, good, good; come hither, Celia.
Burst, breast! rive, heart, asunder! Celia,
Why startest thou back? Seest thou this, Celia?
O me!
How often, with lascivious touch, thy lip
Hath kissed this mark? How oft this much-wrong'd breast
Hath borne the gentle weight of thy soft cheek? 310

_Cel._ O me, my dearest lord,--my sweet, sweet love!

_Alb._ What, a fiddler,--a fiddler? now thy love?
I am sure thou scorn'st it; nay, Celia, I could tell
What, on the night before I went to sea,
And took my leave, with hymeneal rites,
What thou lisped
Into my ear, a fiddler and perfumer now!

_And._[559] And----

_Ran._ Dear brother.

_Jaco._ Most respected signior;
Believe it, by the sacred end of love, 320
What much, much wrong hath forced your patience,
Proceeded from most dear affièd love,
Devoted to your house.

_And._[559] Believe it, brother.

_Jaco._ Nay, yourself, when you shall hear the occurrences,
will say 'tis happy, comical.

_Ran._ Assure thee, brother.

_Alb._ Shall I be brave? Shall I be myself now?
Love, give me thy love; brothers, give me your breasts;
French knight, reach me thy hand; perfumer, thy fist.
Duke, I invite thee; love, I forgive thee; Frenchman,
I hug thee. I'll know all,--I'll pardon all,--and I'll
laugh at all!

[ALBANO _and his brothers talk apart_.

_Qua._ And I'll curse you all!--O ye ha' interrupt a
scene! 334

_Duke._ Quadratus, we will hear these points discuss'd,
With apter and more calm affected hours.

_Qua._ Well, good, good.

_Alb._ Was't even so? I'faith, why then, capricious mirth,
Skip light moriscoes in our frolic blood,[560]
Flagg'd veins, sweat,[561] plump with fresh-infusèd joys!
Laughter, pucker our cheeks, make shoulders shog
With chucking lightness! Love, once more thy lips!
For ever clasp our hands, our hearts, our crests! 343
Thus front, thus eyes, thus cheek, thus all shall meet!
Shall clip, shall hug, shall kiss, my dear, dear sweet!
Duke, wilt thou see me revel? Come, love, dance
Court, gallants, court; suck amorous dalliance!

_Lam._ Beauty, your heart!

_Mel._ First, sir, accept my hands:
She leaps too rash that falls in sudden bands.

_Lam._ Shall I despair? Never will I love more! 350

_Mel._ No sea so boundless vast but hath a shore.

_Qua._ Why, marry me;
Thou canst have but soft flesh, good blood, sound bones;
And that which fills up all your bracks,--good stones.

_Lyz._ Stones, trees, and beasts, in love still firmer prove
Than man; I'll none; no hold-fasts in your loves.

_Lav._ Since not the mistress,--come on, faith, the maid!

_Alb._ Ten thousand duckets, too, to boot, are laid.

_Lav._ Why, then, wind cornets, lead on, jolly lad.

_Alb._ Excuse me, gallants, though my legs lead wrong,
'Tis my first footing; wind out nimble tongue. 361

_Duke._ 'Tis well, 'tis well:--how shall we spend this night?

_Qua._ Gulp Rhenish wine, my liege; let our paunch rent;
Suck merry jellies; preview, but not prevent,
No mortal can, the miseries of life.

_Alb._ I home invite you all. Come, sweet, sweet wife.
My liege, vouchsafe thy presence.
Drink, till the ground look blue, boy!

_Qua._ Live still in springing hopes, still in fresh new joys!--
May your loves happy hit in fair-cheek'd wives, 370
Your flesh still plump with sapp'd restoratives.
That's all my honest frolic heart can wish.
A fico for the mew and envious pish!
Till night, I wish good food and pleasing day;
But then sound rest. So ends our slight-writ play.

[_Exeunt._

_Deo op: max: gratias._

END OF VOL. II.

PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO.
EDINBURGH AND LONDON.

[539] From the _Battle of Alcazar_, 1594 (attributed to
Peele):--"Feed then and faint not, fair Calipolis." Pistol in 2
_Henry IV._ quotes the line as it is given by Marston.

[540] See note 4, p. 355. [Transcriber's Note: Footnote [452]]

[541] _i.e._, cover or embroider thickly. Cf. Guilpin's
_Skialetheia_, epigr. 53:--
"He wears a jerkin _cudgell'd_ with gold lace,
A profound slop, a hat scarce pipkin-high."

[542] Half-a-crown was a somewhat extravagant price for an
ordinary. Two shillings or eighteenpence was the usual price for
a good ordinary.

[543] _Hatch'd sword_ was a sword with an engraved hilt.

[544] See note, vol. i. p. 36.

[545] _Cheator_ was a cant term for a rogue who made his living
by cheating at dice.--"Cheating Law--or the art of winning money
by false dice: those that practise this study call themselves
_cheators_, the dice cheaters, and the money which they purchase
cheats."--Dekker's _Bellman of London_ (_Works_, ed. Grosart,
iii. 117).

[546] Throws at dice.

[547] "_He was wrapt up in the tail of his mother's
smock_,--saying of any one remarkable for his success with the
ladies."--Grose's _Class. Dict. of the Vulgar Tongue_.

[548] _i.e._, copiousness.--Ben Jonson was fond of using the word
_copy_ in this sense.

[549] Simplicius seems to be trying to recall some passage of
_Euphues_.

[550] Old eds. "boyes."

[551] Plunder.

[552] "This may be an allusion," says Dilke, "to a superstition
still existing in a degree among sailors, that to whistle during
a storm will increase its violence." No such allusion is
intended. The "whistle" is the boatswain's whistle.

[553] Old eds. "crownes."

[554] Old eds. "ADRIAN."

[555] Ed. 1. "stut."

[556] Ed. 2. "thirsting."--Spenser has _thrist_ and _thristy_
(for _thirst_ and _thirsty_).

[557] Cf. _Jul. Ceas._, i. 2:--"Let me have men about me that are
fat," &c.

[558] _i.e._, the report that you were dead.

[559] Old eds. "_Adri._"

[560] Cf. _Second Part of Antonio and Mellida_, v. 2:--
"Force the plump-lipp'd god
Skip light lavoltas in your full-sapp'd veins."

[561] Old eds. "sweete" and "sweet."

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:

Text was not wrapped so that line numbers would be consistent with the original text.

Punctuation, use of hyphens, and accent marks were standardized. Obsolete and alternative spellings were left unchanged. In Footnote [431], the letter 'i' with a macron is indicated '[=i]' and 'i' with a breve is indicated '[)i]'.

Footnotes were numbered sequentially, indented, and moved to the end of the scene to which they pertain. There are three anchors for Footnote [487], and two for Footnotes [488] and [559].

Phrases in Greek were transliterated.

The referenced work in Footnote [450] is missing the word 'Walden' after 'Saffron' in the original.

The following changes were made within the text:

Dutch Courtezan:
Footnote [54], 'parabantar' to 'parabantur'