Chapter XIX: Act II: Scene I

LAVERDURE's _lodging_.

_One knocks:_ LAVERDURE _draws the curtains, sitting on his bed,
apparelling himself; his trunk of apparel standing by him._

_Lav._ Ho! Bidet, lackey.

_Enter_ BIDET, _with water and a towel._

_Bid._ Signior.

_Lav._ See who knocks. Look, you boy; peruse their
habits; return perfect notice. La la, ly ro!

[_Exit_ BIDET, _and returns presently._

_Bid._ Quadratus.

_Lav._ Quadratus, _mon Dieu, ma vie!_ I lay not at my
lodging to-night. I'll not see him now, on my soul:
he's in his old perpetuana[422] suit. I am not within.

_Bid._ He is fair, gallant, rich, neat as a bridegroom,
fresh as a new-minted sixpence; with him Lampatho
Doria, Simplicius Faber. 11

_Lav._ And in good clothes?

_Bid._ Accoutred worthy a presence.

_Lav._ _Uds so:_ my gold-wrought waistcoat and nightcap!
Open my trunk: lay my richest suit on the top,
my velvet slippers, cloth-of-gold gamashes:[423] where are
my cloth-of-silver hose? lay them----

_Bid._ At pawn, sir.

_Lav._ No, sir; I do not bid you lay them at pawn, sir.

_Bid._ No, sir, you need not, for they are there already.

_Lav._ _Mor du, garzone!_ Set my richest gloves, garters,
hats, just in the way of their eyes. So let them in; observe
me with all duteous respect: let them in. 23

_Enter_ QUADRATUS, LAMPATHO DORIA, _and_
SIMPLICIUS FABER.

_Qua._ Phoebus, Phoebe, sun, moon, and seven stars,
make thee the dilling[424] of fortune, my sweet Laverdure,
my rich French blood. Ha, ye dear rogue, hast any
pudding[425] tobacco?

_Lam._ Good morrow, signor.

_Sim._ Monsieur Laverdure, do you see that gentleman?
He goes but in black satin, as you see, but, by Helicon!
he hath a cloth of tissue wit. He breaks a jest; ha,
he'll rail against the court till the gallants--O God! he
is very nectar; if you but sip of his love, you were immortal.
I must needs make you known to him; I'll
induce your love with dear regard. Signior Lampatho,
here is a French gentleman, Monsieur Laverdure, a
traveller, a beloved of Heaven, courts your acquaintance.

_Lam._ Sir, I protest[426] I not only take distinct notice of
your dear rarities of exterior presence, but also I protest
I am most vehemently enamour'd, and very passionately
dote on your inward adornments and liabilities of spirit!
I protest I shall be proud to do you most obsequious
vassalage. 43

_Qua._ [_Aside._] Is not this rare, now? Now, by Gorgon's head,
I gape, and am struck stiff in wonderment
At sight of these strange beasts. Yon[427] chamlet[428] youth,
Simplicius Faber, that hermaphrodite,
_Party_[429] _per pale_, that bastard mongrel soul,
Is nought but admiration and applause
Of yon[430] Lampatho Doria, a fusty cask, 50
Devote to mouldy customs of hoary eld;
Doth he but speak, "O tones of heaven itself!"
Doth he once write, "O Jesu admirable!"
Cries out Simplicius. Then Lampatho spits,
And says, "faith 'tis good." But, O, to mark yon thing
Sweat to unite acquaintance to his friend,
Labour his praises, and endear his worth
With titles all as formally trick'd forth
As the cap of a dedicatory epistle.
Then, sir, to view Lampatho: he protests, 60
Protests and vows such sudden heat of love,
That O 'twere warmth enough of mirth to dry
The stintless tears[431] of old Heraclitus,--
Make Niobe to laugh!

_Lam._ I protest I shall be proud to give you proof I
hold a most religious affiance with your love.

_Lav._ Nay, gentle signior.

_Lam._ Let me not live else. I protest I will strain my
utmost sinews in strengthening your precious estimate;
I protest I will do all rights in all good offices that friendship
can touch, or amplest virtue deserve. 71

_Qua._ I protest, believe him not; I'll beg thee, Laverdure,
For a conceal'd idiot,[432] if thou credit him;
He's a hyena,[433] and with civet scent
Of perfumed words, draws to make a prey
For laughter of thy credit. O this hot crackling love,
That blazeth on an instant, flames me out
On the least puff of kindness, with "protest, protest!"
Catzo, I dread these hot protests, that press,
Come on so fast. No, no! away, away! 80
You are a common friend, or will betray.
Let me clip amity that's got with suit;
I hate this whorish love that's prostitute.

_Lav._ Horn on my tailor! could he not bring home
My satin taffeta or tissue suit,
But I must needs be cloth'd in woollen thus?
Bidet, what says he for my silver hose,
And primrose satin doublet? God's my life!
Gives he no more observance to my body?

_Lam._ O, in that last suit, gentle Laverdure, 90
Visit my lodging. By Apollo's front,
Do but inquire my name. O straight they'll say,
Lampatho suits himself in such a hose.

_Sim._ Mark that, Quadratus.

_Lam._ Consorts himself with such a doublet.

_Sim._ Good, good, good! O Jesu! admirable.

_Lav._ La la, ly ro, sir!

_Lam._ O Pallas! Quadratus, hark! hark! A most
complete phantasma, a most ridiculous humour; prithee
shoot him through and through with a jest; make him
lie by the lee, thou basilisco[434] of wit. 101

_Sim._ O Jesu! admirably well spoken; angelical tongue!

_Qua._ Gnathonical coxcomb!

_Lam._ Nay, prithee, fut, fear not, he's no edge-tool;
you may jest with him.

_Sim._ No edge-tool. Oh!

_Qua._ Tones of heaven itself.

_Sim._ Tones of heaven itself.

_Qua._ By blessedness, I thought so.

_Lam._ Nay, when?[435] when? 110

_Qua._ Why, thou pole-head![436] thou Janus! thou poltroon!
thou protest! thou earwig that wrigglest into
men's brains! thou dirty cur, that bemirest with thy
fawning! thou----

_Lam._ Obscure me! or----

_Qua._ Signior Laverdure, by the heart of an honest man,
this Jebusite--this, confusion to him! this worse than I
dare to name--abuseth thee most incomprehensibly. Is
this your protest of most obsequious vassalage? Protest
to strain your utmost sum, your most---- 120

_Lam._ So Phoebus warm my brain, I'll rhyme thee dead.
Look for the satire: if all the sour juice
Of a tart brain can souse thy estimate,
I'll pickle thee.

_Qua._ Ha! he mount Chirall[437] on the wings of fame!
A horse! a horse! My kingdom for a horse![438]
Look thee, I speak play-scraps. Bidet, I'll down,
Sing, sing, or stay, we'll quaff, or anything.
Rivo,[439] Saint Mark, let's talk as loose as air;
Unwind youth's colours, display ourselves, 130
So that yon envy-starvèd cur may yelp
And spend his chaps at our fantasticness.

_Sim._ O Lord, Quadratus!

_Qua._ Away, idolater! Why, you Don Kynsader![440]
Thou canker-eaten rusty cur! thou snaffle
To freer spirits!
Think'st thou, a libertine, an ungyved breast,
Scorns not the shackles of thy envious clogs?
You will traduce us unto public scorn?

_Lam._ By this hand I will. 140

_Qua._ A foutra for thy hand, thy heart, thy brain!
Thy hate, thy malice, envy, grinning spite!
Shall a free-born, that holds antipathy----

_Lam._ Antipathy!

_Qua._ Ay, antipathy, a native hate
Unto the curse of man, bare-pated servitude,
Quake at the frowns of a ragg'd satirist--
A scrubbing railer, whose coarse, harden'd fortune,
Grating his hide, galling his starvèd ribs,
Sits howling at desert's more battle fate[441]--
Who out of dungeon of his black despairs, 150
Scowls at the fortune of the fairer merit.

_Lav._ Tut, via! Let all run glib and square.

_Qua._ Uds fut! He coggs and cheats your simpler thoughts,
My spleen's a-fire in the heat of hate;
I bear these gnats that hum about our ears,
And blister[442] our credits in obscured shades.

_Lav._ Pewte bougra! La, la, la! Tit! Shaugh!
Shall I forbear to caper, sing, or vault?
To wear fresh clothes, or wear perfumèd sweets?
To trick my face, or glory in my fate? 160
T' abandon natural propensitudes?
My fancy's humour?--for a stiff jointed,
Tatter'd, nasty, taber-fac'd----Puh, la, la, ly ro!

_Qua._ Now, by thy lady's cheek, I honour thee,
My rich free blood. O my dear libertine!
I could suck the juice, the sirrup of thy lip,
For thy most generous thought!--my Elysium!

_Lam._ O, sir, you are so square, you scorn reproof.

_Qua._ No, sir; should discreet Mastigophoros,
Or the dear spirit acute Canaidus 170
(That Aretine, that most of me beloved,
Who in the rich esteem I prize his soul,
I term myself); should these once menace me,
Or curb my humours with well-govern'd check,
I should with most industrious regard,
Observe, abstain, and curb my skipping lightness;
But when an arrogant, odd, impudent,
A blushless forehead, only out of sense
Of his own wants, bawls in malignant questing
At others' means of waving gallantry,-- 180
Pight foutra!

_Lam._ I rail at none, you well-squared signior.

_Qua._ I cannot tell; 'tis now grown fashion,
What's out of railing's out of fashion.
A man can scarce put on a tuck'd-up cap,
A button'd frizado suit, scarce eat good meat,
Anchovies, caviare, but he's satired
And term'd fantastical by the muddy spawn
Of slimy newts, when, troth, fantasticness--
That which the natural sophisters term 190
_Phantasia incomplexa_--is a function
Even of the bright immortal part of man.
It is the common pass, the sacred door,
Unto the privy chamber of the soul;
That barr'd, nought passeth past the baser court
Of outward sense; by it th' inamorate
Most lively thinks he sees the absent beauties
Of his loved mistress;
By it we shape a new creation
Of things as yet unborn; by it we feed 200
Our ravenous memory, our intention feast:
'Slid he that's not fantastical's a beast.

_Lam._ Most fantastical protection of fantasticness.

_Lav._ Faith, 'tis good.

_Qua._ So't be fantastical 'tis wit's lifeblood.

_Lav._ Come, signior, my legs are girt.

_Qua._ Fantastically?

_Lav._ After a special humour, a new cut.

_Qua._ Why, then, 'tis rare, 'tis excellent. Uds fut!
And I were to be hanged I would be choked
Fantastically. He can scarce be saved 210
That's not fantastical: I stand firm to it.

_Lav._ Nay, then, sweet sir, give reason. Come on: when?[443]

_Qua._ 'Tis hell to run in common base of men.

_Lav._ Has not run thyself out of breath, bully?[444]

_Qua._ And I have not jaded thy ears more than I have
tired my tongue, I could run discourse, put him out of
his full pace.
I could pour speech till thou criedst ho! but troth,
I dread a glut; and I confess much love
To freer gentry, whose pert agile spirits 220
Is too much frost-bit, numb'd with ill-strain'd snibs,[445]
Hath tenter-reach'd[446] my speech. By Brutus' blood,
He is a turf that will be slave to man;
But he's a beast that dreads his mistress' fan.

_Lav._ Come, all mirth and solace, capers, healths, and whiffs;[447]
To-morrow are my nuptials celebrate.
All friends, all friends!

_Lam._ I protest----

_Qua._ Nay, leave protests; pluck out your snarling
fangs. When thou hast means, be fantastical and
sociable. Go to: here's my hand; and you want forty
shillings, I am your Mecænas, though not _atavis edite
regibus_. 233

_Lam._ Why, content, and I protest----

_Qua._ I'll no protest!

_Lam._ Well, and I do not leave these fopperies, do
not lend me forty shillings, and there's my hand: I
embrace you--love you--nay, adore thee; for by the
juice of wormwood, thou hast a bitter brain!

_Qua._ You, Simplicius, wolt leave that staring fellow,
Admiration, and adoration of thy acquaintance,
wilt? A scorn! out; 'tis odious. Too eager a defence
argues a strong opposition; and too vehement a
praise draws a suspicion of others' worthy disparagement. 245
Set[448] tapers to bright day, it ill befits;
Good wines can vent themselves, and not good wits?

_Sim._ Good truth, I love you; and with the grace of
Heaven, I'll be very civil and----

_Qua._ Fantastical. 250

_Sim._ I'll be something; I have a conceal'd humour
in me; and 'twere broach'd 'twould spurt i'faith.

_Qua._ Come then, Saint Mark, let's be as light as air,
As fresh and jocund as the breast of May.
I prithee, good French knight, good plump-cheek'd chub,
Run some French passage. Come, let's see thy vein--
Dances, scenes, and songs, royal entertain.

_Lav._ Petit lacque, page, page, Bidet, sing!
Give it the French jerk--quick, spart, lightly--ha!
Ha, here's a turn unto my Celia![449] 260

_Qua._ Stand stiff! ho, stand! take footing firm! stand sure!
For if thou fall before thy mistress
Thy manhood's damn'd. Stand firm! Ho! good! so,
so!

_The Dance and Song._

_Lav._ Come, now, via, aloune,[450] to Celia.

_Qua._ Stay, take an old rhyme first; though dry and lean,
'Twill serve to close the stomach of the scene.

_Lav._ This is thy humour to berhyme us still;
Never so slightly pleased, but out they fly.

_Qua._ They are mine own, no gleanèd poetry;
My fashion's known. Out, rhyme; take't as you list: 270
A fico[451] for the sour-brow'd Zoilist!

Music, tobacco, sack, and sleep,
The tide of sorrow backward keep.
If thou art sad at others' fate,
_Rivo_,[452] drink deep, give care the mate.
On us the end of time is come,
Fond fear of that we cannot shun;
Whilst quickest sense doth freshly last,
Clip time about, hug pleasure fast.
The sisters ravel out our twine, 280
He that knows little 's most divine.
Error deludes; who'll beat this hence,--
Naught's known but by exterior sense?
Let glory blazon others' deed,
My blood than breath craves better meed.
Let twattling fame cheat others' rest,
I am no dish for rumour's feast.
Let honour others' hope abuse,
I'll nothing have, so nought will lose.
I'll strive to be nor great nor small, 290
To live nor die; fate helmeth[453] all.
When I can breathe no longer, then
Heaven take all: there put Amen.

How is't? how is't?

_Lav._ Faith, so, so; _tellement, quellement;_
As 't please opinion to current it.

_Qua._ Why, then, via! let's walk.

_Lav._ I must give notice to an odd pedant, as we pass,
of my nuptials: I use him, for he is obscure, and shall
marry us in private. I have many enemies, but secresy
is the best evasion from envy. 300

_Qua._ Holds it to-morrow?

_Lav._ Ay firm, absolute.

_Lam._ I'll say amen if the priest be mute.

_Qua._ Epithalamiums will I sing, my chuck.
Go on--spend freely--out on dross, 'tis muck.

[_Exeunt._

[422] A sort of coarse cloth.--"By this heaven I wonder at
nothing more than our gentlemen ushers, that will suffer a piece
of serge or _perpetuana_ to come into the presence."--_Cynthia's
Revels_, iii. 2.

[423] "A kind of loose drawers or stockings worn outside the legs
over the other clothing."--_Halliwell._

[424] "Mignon.--A minion, favourite wanton, _dilling_,
darling."--_Cotgrave._

[425] _Pudding_ tobacco is frequently mentioned by the
dramatists. Cf. _Cynthia's Revels_, ii. 1:--"Never kneels but to
pledge healths, nor prays but for a pipe of _pudding-tobacco_."
Probably it was tobacco compressed into a solid shape.

[426] From numerous passages it appears that it was regarded as a
piece of affectation to use the word _protest_. See Dyce's
_Shakesp. Glossary_.

[427] Ed. 1. "You."

[428] Chamlet (or camlet) was a mixed stuff of wool and silk.

[429] "'_Party per pale_' is a term in heraldry denoting that the
field or ground on which the figures that make up a coat of arms
are represented, is divided into two equal parts by a
perpendicular line; and Quadratus means that the external
appearances of the two sexes are, in Simplicius, divided with
equal exactness."--_Dilke._

[430] Old eds. "you."

[431] I beseech the reader to make "tears" equivalent to a
dissyllable and not pronounce "Heracl[=i]tus" as "Heracl[)i]tus."

[432] Formerly it was in the sovereign's power to grant to any
petitioner the care of the person and estates of a subject who
had been legally proved to be an idiot.

[433] Marston has made a slip here: he has confused the hyena
with the panther. "The panther or pardal," says Topsel, "smelleth
most sweetly, which savour he hath received from a divine gift,
and doth not only feel the benefit of it himself, but also bewray
it unto other beasts; for when he feeleth himself to be hungry
and stand in need of meat, then doth he get up into some rough
tree, and by his savour or sweet smell, draweth unto him an
innumerable company of wild goats, harts, roes, and hinds, and
such other beasts, and so upon a sudden leapeth down upon them
when he espieth his convenient time. And Solinus saith that the
sweetness of his savour worketh the same effect upon them in the
open fields, for they are so mightily delighted with his spotted
skin and fragrant smell that they always come running unto him
from all parts, striving who shall come nearest to him to be
satisfied with the sight; but when once they look upon his fierce
and grim face they all are terrified and turn away" (_History of
Four-footed Beasts_, ed. 1658, p. 451).

[434] The name of a piece of ordnance.

[435] An exclamation of impatience.

[436] Tadpole.--"Cavesot. A _pole-head_ or bull-head; the little
black vermine whereof toads and frogs do come."--_Cotgrave._

[437] Dilke reads "cheval," and Mr. J. R. Lowell (in _My Study
Windows_) approves of the emendation. I suspect that "Chirall" is
a corruption of the name of some horse famous in one of the old
romances.--_Curtal_ (= docked horse) would be preferable to
_cheval_.

[438] We have had in _Parasitaster_ (p. 212) a travesty of this
line of _Richard III_. So in the _Scourge of Villainy_:--
"A man! a man! a kingdom for a man!"

Again in _Eastward Ho_:--
"A boat! a boat! a full hundred marks for a boat!"

[439] A bacchanalian exclamation of uncertain origin.

[440] _Kinsader_ was the pseudonym under which Marston published
his _Scourge of Villainy_.

[441] If the text is not corrupt, "more battle fate" must mean
"more prosperous fortune." _Battle_ and _batful_, applied to
land, had the meaning--_fertile_, _fruitful_.

[442] Old eds. "and sting-blister."--I suspect that Marston first
wrote "stinge," and afterwards corrected it into
"blister,"--the printer keeping both words.

[443] See note 2, p. 348.

[444] A familiar form of address.

[445] Snubs.

[446] Ed. 1. "tender-reach'd."

[447] A particular manner of smoking tobacco. In the Character of
the Persons prefixed to _Every Man out of his Humour_ it is said
of Cavaliero Shift--"His chief exercises are _taking the whiff_,
squiring a cockatrice, &c." We learn from the _Gull's Horn-book_
(Dekker's _Works_, ed. Grosart, ii. 242) that it was part of a
gallant's education to be skilled in _taking the whiff_.

[448] "With taper light
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish
Is wasteful and ridiculous excess."--_King John_, iv. 2.

[449] Old eds. "Lucea."

[450] A corruption of Fr. _allons_. Cf. Nashe's _Have with you to
Saffron_--"_Alloune, alloune_, let us march!" (_Works_, ed.
Grosart, iii. 163.)

[451] See Dyce's _Shakesp. Glossary_.

[452] A bacchanalian exclamation.

[453] Ed. 2. "helpeth."

SCENE II.

_A School-room._

_Enter a schoolmaster, draws the curtains behind, with_ BATTUS,
NOUS, SLIP, NATHANIEL, _and_ HOLOFERNES PIPPO, _schoolboys,
sitting, with books in their hands_.

_All._ _Salve, magister!_

_Ped._[454] _Salvete pueri, estote salvi, vos salvere exopto vobis
salutem, Batte, mi fili, mi Batte!_

_Bat._ _Quid vis?_

_Ped._ Stand forth: repeat your lesson without book.

_Bat._ A noun is the name of a thing that may be
seen, felt, heard, or understood.

_Ped._ Good boy: on, on.

_Bat._ Of nouns some be substantives and some be
substantives. 10

_Ped._ Adjectives.

_Bat._ Adjectives. A noun substantive either is proper
to the thing that it betokeneth--

_Ped._ Well, to numbers.

_Bat._ In nouns be two numbers, the singular and the
plural: the singular number speaketh of one, as _lapis_, a
stone; the plural speaketh of more than one, as _lapides_,
stones.

_Ped._ Good child. Now thou art past _lapides_, stones,
proceed to the cases. Nous, say you next, Nous.
Where's your lesson, Nous? 21

_Nous._ I am in a verb, forsooth.

_Ped._ Say on, forsooth: say, say.

_Nous._ A verb is a part of speech declined with mood
and tense, and betokeneth doing, as _amo_, I love.

_Ped._ How many kind of verbs are there?

_Nous._ Two; personal and impersonal.

_Ped._ Of verbs personals, how many kinds?

_Nous._ Five; active, passive, neuter, deponent, and
common. A verb active endeth in _o_, and betokeneth
to do, as _amo_, I love; and by putting to _r_, it may be a
passive, as _amor_, I am loved. 32

_Ped._ Very good, child. Now learn to know the deponent
and common. Say you, Slip.

_Slip._ _Cedant_[455] _arma togæ, concedat laurea linguæ._

_Ped._ What part of speech is _lingua_: _inflecte, inflecte_.

_Slip._ _Singulariter, nominativo hæc lingua._

_Ped._ Why is _lingua_ the feminine gender?

_Slip._ Forsooth because it is the feminine gender. 39

_Ped._ Ha, thou ass! thou dolt! _idem per idem_, mark
it: _lingua_ is declined with _hæc_, the feminine, because it
is a household stuff, particularly belonging and most
commonly resident under the roof of women's mouths.
Come on, you Nathaniel, say you, say you next; not too
fast; say tretably:[456] say.

_Nath._ _Mascula dicuntur monosyllaba nomina quædam._

_Ped._ Faster! faster!

_Nath._ _Ut sal, sol, ren et splen: car, ser, vir, vas, vadis, as,
mas, Bes, cres, pres et pes, glis, glirens [sic] habens genetivo,
Mos, flos, ros et tros, muns [sic], dens, mons, pons--_ 50

_Ped._ _Rup, tup, snup, slup, bor, hor, cor, mor._ Holla!
holla! holla! you Holofernes Pippo, put him down.
Wipe your nose: fie, on your sleeve! where's your
muckender[457] your grandmother gave you? Well, say on;
say on.

_Hol._ Pree,[458] master, what word's this?

_Ped._ _Ass! ass!_

_Hol._ _As in presenti perfectum format in, in, in_--

_Ped._ In what, sir?

_Hol._ _Perfectum format._ In what, sir? 60

_Ped._ In what, sir?--_in avi_.

_Hol._ In what, sir?--_in avi.
Ut no, nas, navi, vocito, vocitas, voci, voci, voci_--

_Ped._ What's next?

_Hol._ _Voci_--what's next?

_Ped._ Why, thou ungracious child! thou simple animal!
thou barnacle! Nous,--snare him; take him up: and
you were my father, you should up. 68

_Hol._ Indeed I am not your father. O Lord! now,
for God sake, let me go out. My mother told a thing:
I shall bewray[459] all else. Hark, you, master: my grandmother
entreats you to come to dinner to-morrow
morning.

_Ped._ I say, untruss--take him up. Nous, despatch!
what, not perfect in an _as in presenti_?

_Hol._ In truth I'll be as perfect an _as in presenti_ as any
of this company, with the grace of God, law: this once--this
once--and I do so any more----

_Ped._ I say, hold him up! 79

_Hol._ Ha, let me say my prayers first. You know not
what you ha' done now; all the syrup of my brain is
run into my buttocks, and ye spill the juice of my wit
well. Ha, sweet! ha, sweet! honey, Barbary sugar,[460]
sweet master.

_Ped._ Sans tricks, trifles, delays, demurrers, procrastinations,
or retardations, mount him, mount him.

_Enter_ QUADRATUS, LAMPATHO, LAVERDURE, _and_
SIMPLICIUS.

_Qua._ Be merciful, my gentle signior.

_Lav._ We'll sue his pardon out.

_Ped._ He is reprieved: and now, Apollo bless your
brains; facundius, and elaborate elegance make your
presence gracious in the eyes of your mistress. 91

_Lav._ You must along with us; lend private ear.

_Sim._ What is your name?

_Hol._ Holofernes Pippo.

_Sim._ Who gave you that name? Nay, let me alone
for sposing [_sic_] of a scholar.

_Hol._ My godfathers and godmothers in my baptism.

_Sim._ Truly, gallants, I am enamoured on thee, boy;
wilt thou serve me?

_Hol._ Yes, and please my grandmother, when I come
to years of discretion. 101

_Ped._ And you have a propensitude to him, he shall
be for you. I was solicited to grant him leave to play
the lady in comedies presented by children; but I knew
his voice was too small,[461] and his stature too low. Sing,
sing a treble, Holofernes: sing.

_The Song._

A very small sweet voice, I'll assure you.

_Qua._ 'Tis smally sweet indeed.

_Sim._ A very pretty child. Hold up thy head. There;
buy thee some plums. 110

_Qua._ Nay, they must play; you go along with us.

_Ped._ _Ludendi venia est petita et concessa._

_All._ _Gratias._

_Sim._ Pippo's my page. How like you him? Ha!
has he not a good face, ha?

_Lav._ Exceedingly amiable. Come away;
I long to see my love, my Celia.

_Sim._ Carry my rapier; hold up so; good child: stay,
gallants. Umph! a sweet face.

[_Exeunt_[462] _all but_ LAMPATHO _and_ QUADRATUS.

_Lam._ I relish not this mirth; my spirit is untwist;
My heart is ravell'd out in discontents. 121
I am deep-thoughtful, and I shoot my soul
Through all creation of omnipotence.

_Qua._ What, art melancholy, Lamp? I'll feed thy humour:
I'll give thee reason strait to hang thyself.
Mark't, mark't: in Heaven's handiwork there's naught--
Believe it.

_Lam._ In Heaven's handiwork there's naught,
None more vile, accursed, reprobate to bliss,
Than man; and[463] 'mong men a scholar most. 130
Things only fleshly sensitive, an ox or horse,
They live and eat, and sleep, and drink, and die,
And are not touched with recollections
Of things o'er-past, or stagger'd infant doubts
Of things succeeding; but leave the manly beasts,
And give but pence apiece to have a sight
Of beastly man now----

_Sim._ [_from within_]. What so, Lampatho! Good
truth, I will not pay your ordinary if you come not.

_Lam._ Dost thou hear that voice? I'll make a parrot now 140
As good a man as he in fourteen nights.
I never heard him vent a syllable
Of his own creating since I knew the use
Of eyes and ears. Well, he's perfect blest,
Because a perfect beast. I'll gage my heart
He knows no difference essential
'Twixt my dog and him. The whoreson sot is blest,
Is rich in ignorance, makes fair usance on't,
And every day augments his barbarism.
So love me calmness, I do envy him for't. 150
I was a scholar: seven useful springs
Did I deflower in quotations
Of cross'd opinions 'bout the soul of man.
The more I learnt the more I learnt to doubt:
Knowledge and wit, faith's foes, turn faith about.

_Sim._ [_from within_]. Nay, come, good signior. I stay
all the gentlemen here. I would fain give my pretty page
a pudding-pie.

_Lam._ Honest epicure.--Nay, mark, list. Delight,
Delight, my spaniel slept, whilst I baus'd leaves, 160
Toss'd o'er the dunces, pored on the old print
Of titled words, and still my spaniel slept.
Whilst I wasted lamp-oil, bated my flesh,
Shrunk up my veins; and still my spaniel slept.
And still I held converse with Zabarell,[464]
Aquinas, Scotus, and the musty saw
Of antic Donate; still my spaniel slept
Still went on went I; first _an sit anima_,
Then, and it were mortal. O hold, hold! at that
They're at brain-buffets, fell by the ears amain 170
Pell-mell together; still my spaniel slept.
Then whether 'twere corporeal, local, fix'd,
Extraduce; but whether 't had free will
Or no, ho philosophers
Stood banding factions all so strongly propp'd,
I stagger'd, knew not which was firmer part;
But thought, quoted,[465] read, observ'd, and pried,
Stuff'd noting-books; and still my spaniel slept.
At length he waked and yawn'd and by yon sky,
For aught I know he knew as much as I. 180

_Sim._ [_from within_]. Delicate good Lampatho, come
away. I assure you I'll give but twopence more.

_Lam._ How 'twas created, how the soul exists:
One talks of motes, the soul was made of motes;
Another fire, t'other light, a third
A spark of star-like nature;
Hippo water, Anaximenes air,
Aristoxenus music; Critias, I know not what.
A company of odd phrenetici!
Did eat my youth; and when I crept abroad, 190
Finding my numbness in this nimble age,
I fell a-railing; but now, soft and slow,
I know I know naught but I naught do know.
What shall I do--what plot, what course pursue?

_Qua._ Why, turn a temporist, row with the tide,
Pursue the cut, the fashion of the age.
Well, here's my scholar's course: first get a school,
And then a ten-pound cure; keep both. Then buy
(Stay, marry, ay, marry) then a farm, or so:
Serve God and mammon--to the devil go. 200
Affect some sect--ay, 'tis the sect is it,
So thou canst seem, 'tis held the precious wit.
And O, if thou canst get some higher seat,
Where thou mayest sell your holy portion
(Which charitable Providence ordained,
In sacred bounty, for a blessèd use),
Alien the glebe, entail it to thy loins,
Entomb it in thy grave,
Past resurrection to his native use!
Now, if there be a hell, and such swine saved,
Heaven take all--that's all my hopes have craved. 210

_Enter_ PIPPO.

_Pip._ My Simplicias master--

_Lam._ Your master Simplicius.

_Pip._ Has come to you to sent--

_Lam._ Has sent to me to come.

_Pip._ Ha! ha! has bought me a fine dagger, and a hat
and a feather! I can say _As in presenti_ now!

_Company of Boys within._ Quadratus, Quadratus, away! away!

_Quad._[466] We come, sweet gallants; and grumbling hate lie still,
And turn fantastic! He that climbs a hill 220
Must wheel about; the ladder to account
Is sly dissemblance: he that means to mount
Must lie all level in the prospective
Of eager-sighted greatness. Thou wouldst thrive:
The Venice state is young, loose, and unknit,
Can relish naught but luscious vanities.
Go, fit his tooth. O glavering flattery!
How potent art thou! Front, look brisk and sleek.--
That such base dirt as you should dare to reek
In princes' nostrils!--Well, my scene is long. 230

_All within._ Quadratus!

_Qua._ I come, hot bloods. Those that their state would swell,
Must bear a counter-face. The devil and hell
Confound them all! That's all my prayers exact:
So ends our chat;--sound music for the act!

[_Exeunt._

[454] _i.e._, _Pedant_.--See p. 373.
[Transcriber's Note: Act III, Scene ii, line 100]

[455] Cicero, _Off._ i. 22, 77.

[456] Chaucer has _tretable_ in the sense of _tractable_,
_well-disposed_; but that sense does not suit the present
passage.

[457] Handkerchief.

[458] Shortened form of "prithee."

[459] See note, vol. i. p. 114.

[460] Dilke refers to Fletcher's _Beggars' Bush_, iv. 3:--
"_Fourth Merchant._ Or if you want fine sugar, 'tis but sending.
_Goswin._ No, I can send to _Barbary_."

[461] "She has brown hair, and speaks _small_ like a
woman."--_Merry Wives_, i. 1.

[462] Not marked in old eds.

[463] Omitted in ed. 2.

[464] Giacomo Zabarella (1533-1589), the Aristotelian
commentator, professor of logic and philosophy at Padua.

[465] Made notes.

[466] Old eds. give this speech to Lampatho.