Chapter XI: Book I (4)

"Dear child," answered the pastor, "when the wine is in the wit is out. This is nought compared with what is to come. To-morrow at daybreak 'twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry."

So I answered, "Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so continually? Can, then, their souls, which are God's image, abide in such fat hog's bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious souls, I say, how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels of unreasoning beasts?"

"Hold thou thy tongue," answered the pastor, "or thou mayest get thee a sound thrashing: here 'tis no time to preach, or I could do it better than thou." So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished, before our gates in the shape of many hundred expelled peasants of the Wetterau, whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town there was famine.

_Chap. xxx._: STILL TREATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT

So this gormandising went on as before, and I must wait on them as from the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men. "For," says he, "a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to drink wine at all. But 'tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers did." "Yes, yes," says the pastor, "but for me 'tis proper to keep due measure." "Right," says the other, "a man of honour must keep his word": and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure, and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket.

So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and 'twas for all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbour with drunkenness, to bring him to shame, or to play him some scurvy trick: for when one of them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand, the cry was, "Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me: now must thou drink the like"; and so on. But he that could last longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about, as they had drunk henbane. 'Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted "Courage!" another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable: another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him. One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange and mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups, dishes, and plates at each other's heads and fought, not with fists only, but with chairs and legs of chairs, yea, with swords and whatever came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but to that my lord presently put an end.

_Chap. xxxi._: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX

So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the minstrels and the womenfolk, and away to another house wherein was a great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught could he say but "Simple!" So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he pointed to the washstand and stammered out. "Bra-bra-bring me that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a fo-fo-fo-fox!"

So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievous retchings, and such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man's. But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly.

Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and asked what I should do with the fox. "Thou fool," says he, "go and take it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith." So I asked where could I find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. "Nay," says he, "take it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord's state of health is." And such an April fool's journey had I surely gone, but that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith, and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains.

_Chap. xxxii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE

Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies, bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone mad, for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and fury: yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so dreadful that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but that they were all bereft of reason. And as we came nearer I was aware that these were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right senses. "Good God," thought I, "what do these poor folk intend to do? Surely madness is come upon them." Yet presently I thought these might perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I thought, had they human souls and God's image in them, sure they would not act so unlike to men.

When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased, save that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious madness. And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed them. Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and therefore asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic doings might signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and stamping was intended. And he, as the real truth, told me that all there present had agreed to stamp down the floor of the room. "For how," says he, "canst thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp about? Hast thou not seen how they broke all the windows for pastime? Even so will they break in this floor." "Good heavens!" quoth I, "then must we also fall, and in falling break our legs and our necks in their company?" "Yea," quoth my comrade, "'tis their purpose, and therefore do they work so devilishly hard. And thou wilt see that when they do find themselves in danger of death each one seizes upon a fair lady or maiden, for 'tis said that to couples that fall holding one another in this way no grievous harm is wont to happen."

Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard, and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his partner by the hand, 'twas to me even as if I saw the floor already a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking. But when they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played just then a lively galop), then thought I, "Now is thy life at stake." For I thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly tumble in: so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility and eminent virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing. Her I caught all unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her like a burr, but when she struggled, as not knowing what foolish fancies were in my head, I acted as one desperate, and for sheer despair began to scream as if they would murder me. Now did the music cease of a sudden: the dancers and their partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady to whose arm I still clung deemed herself grievously insulted; for she fancied my lord had had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon commanded that I should be soundly whipped and then locked up somewhere, "for," said he, "'twas not the first trick I had played on him that day." Yet the grooms which were to carry out his orders had sympathy with me, and spared me the whipping and locked me up in a goose-pen under the staircase.