Chapter XXIII: Book IV (3)

"So before I reached my seventh year I had given good proof of what I was to be, for the nettle that is to be stings early: no roguery was too bad for me, and where I could play any man a trick I failed not to do so, for neither father nor mother punished me for it. I tramped with young rascals like myself through thick and thin in the streets and was already bold enough to fight boys stronger than myself: and did I get beat, my foolish parents would say, 'How now? Is a great fellow like that to beat a mere child?' But if I won (for I would scratch and bite and throw stones), then said they, 'Our little Oliver will turn out a fine fellow.' And with that my indolence grew: for praying I was yet too young: and if I did curse like a trooper, 'twas said I knew not what I said. So I became worse and worse till I was sent to school: and there I did carry out what other wicked lads do mostly think of, yet dare not practise. And if I spoiled or tore my books, my mother would buy me others lest my miserly father should be wroth. My schoolmaster did I plague most, for he might not deal with me hardly, receiving many presents from my parents, whose foolish love to me was well known to him. In summer would I catch crickets and bring them secretly into the schoolroom, where they did play a merry tune. In winter would I steal snuff and scatter it in that place where 'tis the custom to whip the boys. And so if any stiff-necked scholar should struggle my powder would fly about and cause an agreeable pastime: for then must all sneeze together.

"So now I deemed myself too great a man for small roguery, but all my striving was for higher things. Often would I steal from one and put what I had stolen in another's pouch to earn him stripes, and with these tricks was I so sly that I was scarce ever caught. And of the wars we waged (wherein I was commonly colonel) and the blows I received--for I had ever a scratched face and a head full of bruises--I need not to speak: for every man doth know how boys do behave: and so from what I have said canst thou easily guess how in other respects I spent my youth."

_Chap. xviii._: HOW HE STUDIED AT LIÈGE, AND HOW HE THERE DEMEANED HIMSELF

"Now the more my father's riches increased, the more flatterers and parasites he had round him, all which did praise my fine capacities for study, but said no word of all my other faults or at least would excuse them, seeing well that any that did not so could never stand well with my father and mother. And so had they more pleasure in their son than ever had a tomtit that has reared a young cuckoo. So they hired for me a special tutor, and sent me with him to Liège, more to learn foreign tongues than to study: for I was to be no theologian, but a trader. He, moreover, had his orders not to be hard with me, lest that should breed in me a fearful and servile spirit. He was to allow me freely to consort with the students, lest I might become shamefaced, and must remember that 'twas to make, not a monk, but a man of the world of me, one that should know the difference between black and white.

"But my said tutor needed no such instruction, being of himself given to all manner of knaveries. And how could he forbid me such or rebuke me for my little faults when he himself committed greater? To wine and women was he by nature most inclined, but I to wrestling and fighting: so did I prowl about the streets at night with him and his likes and learned of him in brief space more lechery than Latin. But as to my studies, therein I could rely on a good memory and a keen wit, and was therefore the more careless, but for the rest I was sunk in all manner of vice, roguery, and wantonness: and already was my conscience so wide that one could have driven a waggon and horses through it. I heeded nothing if I could but read Berni or Burchiello or Aretine during the sermon in church: nor did I hear any part of the service with greater joy than when 'twas said 'Ite missa est.'

"All which time I thought no little of myself but carried me right foppishly: every day was for me a feast-day, and because I behaved myself as a man of estate, and spent not only the great sums that my father sent me for my needs, but also my mother's plentiful pocket-money, therefore the women began to pay us court, but specially to my tutor. From these baggages I learned to wench and to game: how to quarrel, to wrestle, and to fight I knew well before, and my tutor in no wise forbade my debaucheries, since he himself was glad to take part in them. So for a year and a half did this monstrous fine life endure, till my father did hear of it from one that was his factor in Liège, with whom indeed we had at first lodged: this man received orders to keep a sharper eye upon us, to dismiss my tutor at once, to shorten my tether, and to examine into my expense more carefully. Which vexed us both mightily: and though he, my tutor, had now his congé, yet did we hold together, one way or the other, both by day and night: yet since we could no longer spend money as before, we did join ourselves to a rogue that robbed folks of their cloaks at night; yea, or did drown them in the Meuse: and what we in this fashion earned with desperate peril of our lives, that we squandered with our whores, and let all studies go their way.

"So one night as we, after our custom, were prowling by night, to plunder students of their cloaks, we were overcome, my tutor run through the body, and I, with five others that were right rascals, caught and laid by the heels: and next day we being examined and I naming my father's factor, that was a man much respected, the same was sent for, questioned concerning me, and I on his surety set free, yet so that I must remain in his house in arrest till further order taken. Meanwhile was my tutor buried, the other five punished as rogues, robbers and murderers, and my father informed of my case: upon which he came himself with all haste to Liège, settled my business with money, preached me a sharp sermon, and shewed me what trouble and unhappiness I had caused him, yea, and told me it seemed as my mother would go desperate by reason of my ill conduct: and further threatened me, in case I did not behave better, he would disinherit me and send me packing to the devil. So I promised amendment and rode home with him: and so ended my studies."

_Chap. xviii._: OF THE HOMECOMING AND DEPARTURE OF THIS WORSHIPFUL STUDENT, AND HOW HE SOUGHT TO OBTAIN ADVANCEMENT IN THE WARS

"But when my father had me safely home, he found I was in very truth spoiled. I had proved no worshipful dominie as he had hoped, but a quarreller and a braggart, that imagined he knew everything. So hardly was I warm at home when he said to me, 'Hearken, Oliver, I do see thine asses' ears a-growing fast: thou beest a useless cumberer of the ground, a rogue that will never be worth aught: to learn a trade art thou too old: to serve a lord thou art too insolent, and to understand and follow my profession thou art but useless. Alas, what have I accomplished with all the cost that I have spent on thee? For I did hope to have my joy in thee and to make of thee a man: and now must I buy thee out of the hangman's hand. Oh fie, for shame! 'Twere best I should set thee in a treadmill and let thee eat the bread of affliction till some better luck arise for thee, when thou shalt have purged thee of thine iniquities.'

"Now when I must day by day hear such lectures, at the last was I out of all patience, and told my father roundly I was not guilty of all, but he and my tutor, that led me astray: and had he no joy of me, so was he rightly served, that had given his parents no joy of him, but had let them come to beggary and starvation. On that he reached for a stick and would have paid me for my plain speaking, swearing loud and long he would have me to the House of Correction at Amsterdam. So away I went, and the same night betook me to his newly bought farm, watched my opportunity, and rode off to Cologne on the best horse I could find in his stables.

"This horse did I sell, and forthwith lit upon even such a crew of rogues and thieves as I had left at Liège. So at play they did know me for what I was and I them, for both did know so much. Straightway I was made one of their brotherhood, and was their helper in their nightly excursions. Yet when presently one of our band was caught in the Old Market as he would relieve a lady of quality of her heavy purse, and specially when I had seen him stand an hour in the pillory with an iron collar on, and, further, had seen one of his ears cut off and himself well whipped, that trade pleased me no more, but I enlisted as a soldier: for just then the colonel with whom we served before Magdeburg was a-recruiting. Meanwhile had my father learned where I was, and so did write to his factor he should inquire concerning me: which befell even then when I had drawn my first pay: and that the factor told my father, which gave orders that he should buy me out, cost it what it might: but when I heard that, I had fear of the House of Correction, and so would not be bought out. Through this was my colonel aware I was a rich merchant's son, and so fixed his price so high that my father left me as I was, intending to let me kick my heels awhile in the wars and so perchance come to a better mind.

"'Twas not long before it happened that my colonel's writer died, in whose place he employed me, as thou knowest. And thereupon I began to have high thoughts, in hope to rise from one rank to another, and so in the end to become a general. From our secretary I did learn how to carry myself, and my intent to grow to a great man caused me to behave myself as a man of honour and repute, and no longer, as of old time, to play rogues' tricks. Yet had I no luck till our secretary died, and then methought, 'Thou must see to it that thou hast his place.' And all I could I spent: for when my mother heard I had begun to do well she ever sent me moneys. Yet because young Herzbruder was beloved by our colonel and was preferred to me, I purposed to have him out of the way, specially because I was sure the colonel would give him the secretary's place. And at the delaying of the promotion which I so much desired I was so impatient that I had me made bullet proof by our Provost, so to fight with Herzbruder and settle matters by the sword: yet could I not civilly come at him. Yea, and our Provost warned me from my purpose and said, 'Even if thou makest him a sacrifice, yet will it do thee more harm than good, for thou wilt but have murdered the colonel's favourite.'

"Yet did he advise me I should steal somewhat in Herzbruder's presence and give it to him: for so could he bring it about that he should lose the colonel's favour. To that I agreed, and stole the parcel-gilt cup at the colonel's christening-feast and gave it to the Provost, by means of which he rid me of young Herzbruder, as thou wilt surely remember, even then when he, by his sorcery, filled thy pockets with puppies."

_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FULFILLED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO OLIVER BEFORE YET EITHER KNEW THE OTHER

All was green and yellow before mine eyes when I must so hear from Oliver's own mouth how he had gone about with my best friend, and yet I could take no revenge: mine inclination thereto I must needs pocket up lest he should mark it: and so begged he should tell me how it had further fared with him before the battle at Wittstock. "Why, in that encounter," said Oliver, "I carried myself like no quill-driver that is set upon his inkstand, but like a good soldier, being well mounted and bullet-proof, and moreover being counted in no squadron: for so could I show my proper valour, as one that doth mean to rise higher by his sword or to die. So did I fly around our brigade like a whirlwind, both to exercise myself and to shew our men I was more fit for arms than for the pen. Yet all availed nothing, for the Swedes' luck prevailed, and I must share the ill-fortune of our folk and must accept that quarter which a little before I would have given to no man.

"So was I with the other prisoners put into a foot regiment, which same was presently sent away to Pomerania on furlough: where, since there were many raw recruits, and I had shown a very notable courage, I was promoted corporal. Yet I was minded to make no long stay there, but as soon as might be to return to the emperor's service, to which party I was ever most affected, and that although doubtless my advancement had been far quicker among the Swedes. And my escape I brought to pass thus. I was sent out with seven musqueteers to a neighbouring post to demand the contribution, which was in arrears: and so having got together some eight hundred gulden or more, I shewed my fellows the gold and caused their eyes to lust after it, so much so that we agreed to divide the same and so make our escape. This being settled, I did persuade three of them to help me to shoot the other four dead, and such being accomplished we divided the money, namely, 200 gulden to each: and with that we marched off to Westphalia. Yet on the way did I persuade one of the three to help me to knock the other two on the head; and then when we two were to divide the spoil I did make an end with the last man, and so came by good luck safely with the money to Wesel, where I took up my quarters and made merry with my money.

"But when this was now nearly spent, and I still had my love of fine living, then did I hear of a certain young soldier of Soest and what fine booty he had gained, and what a name he had earned: and so was I heartened up to follow in his footsteps. And as they called him, by reason of his green clothing, the Huntsman, so did I have such green raiment made for myself, and under his name did so plunder and steal in his and our own quarters, and that with every circumstance of wanton mischief, that it came near to this, that foraging parties should be forbidden on both sides. He ('tis true) stayed at home, but when I still went on a-mousing in his name all I could, then did that same huntsman for that same reason challenge me. But the devil might fight with him: for, as 'twas told me, he had ever the devil in his jacket: and that devil had soon made an end of my wound-proof. Yet could I not escape his craft, for with the help of a servant of his did he beguile me with my comrade into a sheep-fold, and there would force me, in the presence of two living devils that were his seconders by his side, to fight with him by moonlight. Which when I refused, they did compel me to the most contemptible actions in the world, and that my comrade soon spread abroad: of which I was so shamed that I up and away to Lippstadt and there took service with the Hessians: yet there I remained not long, where none could trust me, but tramped away further to the Dutch. And there did I find, 'tis true, more punctual payment, but too slow a war for my humour: for there were we kept in like monks and must live as chastely as nuns.

"So since I could no more shew my face among either Imperials, Swedes or Hessians, had I been willing wantonly to run the risk, as having deserted from all three, and since I could now no longer stay with the Hollanders, having violently deflowered a maiden, which act seemed likely presently to bring about its results, I thought to take refuge with the Spaniards, in the hope to escape home from them and to see how my parents fared. Yet as I set about that plan I missed my points of the compass so foully that I fell among the Bavarians, with whom I marched among the Merodians, from Westphalia as far as the Breisgau, and earned me a living by dicing and stealing. When I had aught I spent my day on the gaming-ground and my night among the sutlers: had I naught, I stole what I could, and often in a day two or three horses, both from pasture and from stables, sold them, and gamed away what I got, and then at night I would burrow under the soldiers' tents and steal away their purses from under their very heads. Were we on the march I would keep a watchful eye on the portmantles that the women did carry behind them; these would I cut away. And so I kept myself alive till the battle before Wittenweier, wherein I was made prisoner, once more thrust into a foot-regiment, and so made one of Weimar's soldiers. But the camp before Breisach liked me not, so I left it early and went off to forage for myself, as thou seest I do. And be thou well assured, brother, that already I have laid low many a proud fellow and have earned a noble stock of money: nor am I minded to cease till I see I can get no more. And now it doth come to thy turn to tell me of thy life and fortunes."

_Chap. xx._: HOW IT DOTH FARE WITH A MAN ON WHOM EVIL FORTUNE DOTH RAIN CATS AND DOGS

Now when Oliver had ended his discourse, I could not enough admire the Providence of God. Now could I understand how the good God had not alone protected me like a father from this monster in Westphalia, but had, moreover, so brought it about that he should go in fear of me. Now could I see what a trick I had played on him, to which the old Herzbruder's prophecy did apply, yet which he himself expounded, as may be seen in the fourteenth chapter, in another way, and that to my great profit. For had this beast but known I was the Huntsman of Soest he had surely made me drink of the same cup I served to him before at the sheep-fold. I considered, moreover, how wisely and darkly Herzbruder had delivered his predictions, and thought in myself that, though his prophecies were wont commonly to turn out true, yet 'twould go hard and must happen strangely if I was to revenge the death of one that had deserved the wheel and the gallows: I found it also good for my health that I had not first told him of my life, for so had I told him the way how I before had disgraced him. And as I thought thereupon, I did mark in Oliver's face certain scratches that he had not at Magdeburg, and so did conceive that these scars were the tokens of Jump-i'-th'-field, when at that former time he, in the likeness of a devil, did thus scrabble his face, and so asked him whence he had those signs, adding thereto that, though he had told me his whole life, yet I must gather that he had left out the best part, since he had not yet told me who had so marked him.

"Ah, brother," answered he, "were I to tell all my tricks and rogueries the time would be too long both for you and me: yet to shew thee that I conceal from thee none of my adventures I will tell thee the truth of this, though methinks 'tis but a sorry story for me.

"I am fully assured that from my mother's womb I was predestined to a scratched face, for in my very childhood I was so treated by my schoolfellows when I wrangled with them: and so likewise one of those devils that waited on the Huntsman of Soest handled me so roughly that six weeks long one could see the marks of his claws in my face: but the scars thou seest in my face had another beginning, to wit this. When I lay in winter quarters with the Swedes in Pomerania, and had a fair mistress by me, mine host must leave his bed, for us to lie there: but his cat that had been used to sleep therein would come every night and plague us, as one that could not so easily spare her wonted bed-place as her master and mistress had done: this did vex my wench (that could at no time abide a cat) so sore that she did swear loudly she would shew me no more favour till I had made an end of this cat. So being desirous to have her society yet, I devised how not only to please her but so to avenge myself of the cat as to have sport therein. With that I packed the beast in a bag, took my host's two great watch-dogs (which at any time had no love for cats, but were familiar with me), and the cat in the sack, to a broad and pleasant meadow, and there thought to have my jest, for I deemed, since there was no tree hard by for the cat to escape to, that the dogs would chase her up and down for a while on the plain like a hare, and so would afford me fine pastime. But zounds; it turned out for me not only dogs' luck, as people say, but cats' luck (which sort of luck few can have known or 'twould assuredly long ago have been made a proverb of), since the cat, when I did open the bag, seeing only an open field and on it her two fierce enemies, and nothing high whereto she could escape, would not so easily take the field and so be torn to pieces, but betook herself to mine own head as finding no higher place, and as I sought to keep her away my hat fell off: so the more I tried to pull her down, the deeper she stuck in her claws so as to hold fast. Such a combat the dogs could not endure to see, but joined the sport themselves, and jumped up with open jaws in front, behind, and on either side of me to come at the cat, which yet would not leave my head, but maintained her place by fastening of her claws both in my face and my head, as best she could. And if she missed to give the dogs a pat with her glove of thorns, be sure she missed not me: yet because she did sometimes strike the dogs on the nose, therefore they busied themselves to bring her down with their claws, and in so doing dealt me many a shrewd scratch in the face: yea, and if I with both hands strove to tear the cat from her place, then would she bite and scratch me to the best of her ability. And thus was I, both by the dogs and the cat at once so attacked, so mauled, and so terribly handled that I scarce looked like a man at all, and, what was worst of all, I must run the risk that if they so snapped at the cat they might by chance catch me by the ear or nose and bite it off. My collar and jerkin were so bloody that they were like to a smith's travise on St. Stephen's Day, when the horses are let blood; nor could I devise any means to save myself from this torment, but at last must cast myself on the ground that the dogs might so seize the cat, unless I was willing to allow my poll to continue to be their battle-ground: 'tis true the dogs did then kill the cat, but I had by no means so noble sport from this as I had hoped, but only mockery and such a face as now thou seest before thee. At which I was so enraged that I shot both dogs dead, and did so bastinado my mistress that had given me cause for this fool's trick that she ran away from me, doubtless because she could no longer love so horrible a mask."

_Chap. xxi._: A BRIEF EXAMPLE OF THAT TRADE WHICH OLIVER FOLLOWED, WHEREIN HE WAS A MASTER AND SIMPLICISSIMUS SHOULD BE A PRENTICE

Fain would I have laughed at this story of Oliver's, yet must show compassion only: and even as I began to tell him my history we saw a coach come up the road with two outriders. On that we came down from the church-tower and posted ourselves in a house that stood by the wayside and was very convenient for the waylaying of passengers. I must keep my loaded piece in reserve, but Oliver with one shot brought down at once one rider and his horse before they were ware of us: upon which the other forthwith fled: and while I, with my piece cocked, made the coachman halt and descend, Oliver leapt upon him and with his broad sword did cleave his head to the teeth, yea, and would thereafter have butchered the lady and the children that sat in the carriage and already looked more like dead folk than live ones: but I roundly said, that I would not have, but told him if he would do such a deed he must first slay me.

"Ah," says he, "thou foolish Simplicissimus, I had never believed thou wert so wicked a fellow as thou dost seem." "But brother," said I, "what hast thou against these innocents? an they were men that could defend themselves 'twere another story." "How," he answered: "cook your eggs and there will be no chickens hatched. I know these young cockatrices well: their father the major is a proper skinflint, and the worst jacket-duster in the world."

And with such words he would have gone on to slay them: yet I restrained him so long that in the end I softened him: and 'twas a major's wife, her maids, and three fair children, for whom it grieved me much: these we shut up in a cellar that they might not too soon betray us, in which they had nothing to eat but fruit and turnips till they might chance to be released by some one: thereafter we plundered the coach, and rode off with seven fine horses into the wood where it was thickest.

So when we had tied them up and I had looked round me a little I was ware of a fellow that stood stock-still by a tree not far off: him I pointed out to Oliver and said 'twere well to be on our guard. "Why, thou fool," said he, "'tis a Jew that I did tie up there: but the rogue is long ago frozen and dead." So he goes up to him and chucks him under the chin, and says he, "Aha; thou dog, thou didst bring me many a fair ducat": and as he so shook his chin there rolled out of his mouth a few doubloons that the poor rogue had rescued even in the hour of death. At that Oliver put his hand in his mouth and brought out twelve doubloons and a ruby of great price, and says he, "This booty have I to thank thee for, Simplicissimus"; and with that gave me the ruby, took the gold himself, and went off to fetch the peasant, bidding me in the meanwhile to stay by the horses and beware lest the dead Jew should bite me, whereby he meant I had no such courage as himself.

But he being gone to fetch his peasant, I had heavy thoughts, and did consider in what a dangerous state I now lived. And first I thought I would mount one of the horses and escape: yet did I fear lest Oliver should catch me in the act and shoot me; for I had my suspicion that he did but try my good faith for this once, and so stood near by to watch me. Again I thought to run away on foot, but then must fear, even if I should give Oliver the slip, that I should not escape from the peasants of the Black Forest, which were then famous for the knocking of soldiers on the head. "And suppose," said I, "thou takest all the horses with thee, so that Oliver shall have no means to pursue thee, yet if thou be caught by the troops of Weimar, thou wilt as a convicted murderer be broken on the wheel." In a word, I could devise no safe means for my flight, and chiefly because I was there in a desolate forest where I knew neither highway nor by-way: and besides all that my conscience was now awake and did torment me, because I had stopped the coach and had been the cause that the driver had so miserably lost his life, and both the ladies with the innocent children had been laid fast in the cellar, wherein perchance, like this Jew, they must perish and die. Then again I would comfort me on the score of mine innocence, as being compelled against my will: yet there contrariwise my conscience answered me, I had long before deserved for my rogueries to fall into the hands of justice in the company of this arch-murderer, and so receive my due reward, and perhaps, methought, just Heaven had so provided that I should even so be brought to book. At the last I began to hope for better things and besought God's goodness to help me forth from this plight, and being in so pious a mood I said to myself, "Thou fool, thou art neither imprisoned nor fettered: the whole wide world stands open before thee: hast thou not horses enough to take to flight? or, if thou wilt not ride, yet are thy feet swift enough to save thee."

But as I thus plagued and tormented myself and yet could come to no plan, came Oliver back with our peasant, which guided us with the horses to another farm, where we did bait and, taking turn by turn, did each get two hours' sleep. After midnight we rode on, and about noon came to the uttermost boundary of the Switzers, where Oliver was well known, and had us nobly entertained: and while we made merry the host sends for a couple of Jews, that bought the horses from us at half their price. And all was so plainly and clearly settled that there was little need of parley. For the Jews' chief question was, were the horses from the emperor's side or the Swedes': and thereupon hearing they were from Weimar's army, "Then," said they, "must we ride them not to Basel but into Swabia to the Bavarians." At which close acquaintance and familiarity I must needs wonder.

So we feasted like princes, and heartily did I enjoy the good forest-trout and the savoury crayfish. And when 'twas evening we took to the road again, loading our peasant with baked meats and other victual like a pack-horse: with all which we came the next day to a lonesome farm, where we were friendly welcomed and entertained, and by reason of ill weather stayed two days: thereafter through woods and by-ways we came to that very hut whither Oliver did take me when first he had me to his companion.

_Chap. xxii._: HOW OLIVER BIT THE DUST AND TOOK SIX GOOD MEN WITH HIM

So as we sat down to refresh our bodies and to rest, Oliver sent the peasant out to buy food and also powder and shot. He being gone, he takes off his coat and says he, "Brother, I can no longer carry this devils' money about with me alone": and with that unbound a pair of bags like sausages that he wore on his naked body, threw them on the table, and went on, "Of these thou must take care till I come to my holidays and we both have enough, for the accursed stuff hath worked sores upon my body, so that I can no longer carry it." I answered, "Brother, hadst thou as little as I, 'twould not gall thee." But he cut me short. "How," says he, "what is mine is also thine; and what we do further win shall be fairly-shared." So I took up the two sausages and found they were indeed mighty heavy, being gold pieces only. Then I told him 'twas all ill-packed, and an he would, I would so sew the money in that it should not vex him half so much in the carrying. And when he agreed to this he had me with him to a hollow tree wherein he had scissors, needles, and thread: and there I made for him and me a pair of knapsacks out of a pair of breeches, and many a fine red penny I sewed therein. So having put the same on under our shirts, 'twas as if we had golden armour behind and before, by means of which we were become, if not proof against bullets, yet against swords. Then did I wonder why he kept no silver coin: to which he answered he had more than a thousand thalers lying in a tree from which he allowed the peasant to buy victuals, and never asked for a reckoning, as not greatly valuing such trash.

This done and the money packed, away we went to our hut, and there cooked our food and warmed ourselves by the stove all night. And thither at one o'clock of the day, when we did least expect it, came six musqueteers with a corporal to our hut with their pieces ready and their matches burning, who burst in the door and cried to us to surrender. But Oliver (that, like me, had ever his loaded piece lying by him and his sharp sword also, and then sat behind the table, and I by the stove behind the door) answered them with a couple of musquet-balls, wherewith he brought two to the ground, while I with a like shot slew one and wounded the fourth. Then Oliver whipped out his terrible sword (that could cut hairs asunder and might well be compared to Caliburn, the sword of King Arthur of England) and therewith he clove the fifth man from the shoulder to the belly, so that his bowels gushed out and he himself fell down beside them in gruesome fashion. And meanwhile I knocked the sixth man on the head with the butt-end of my piece, so that he fell lifeless: but Oliver got even such a blow from the seventh, and that with such force that his brains flew out, and I in turn dealt him that did that such a crack that he must needs join his comrades on the dead muster-roll. So when the one that I had shot at and wounded was ware of such cuffs and saw that I made for him with the butt of my piece also, he threw away his gun and began to run as if the devil was at his heels. Yet all this fight lasted no longer than one could say a paternoster, in which brief space seven brave soldiers did bite the dust.

Now when I thus found myself master of the field, I examined Oliver to see if he had a breath left in him, but finding him quite dead, methought 'twas folly to leave so much money on a corpse that could not need it, and so I stripped him of his golden fleece that I had made but yesterday and hung it round my neck with the other. And having broken mine own gun, I took Oliver's musquet and sharp battle-sword to myself, wherewith I provided me against all chances, and so away I went and that by the road by which I knew our peasant must return: and sitting down by the wayside I waited for him and further considered what I should now do.

_Chap. xxiii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A RICH MAN AND HERZBRUDER FELL INTO GREAT MISERY

Now I sat but half an hour in thought when there comes to me our peasant puffing like a bear, and, running with all his might, was not ware of me till I had him fast: and "Why so fast?" says I, "what news?" "Quick," he answered, "away with ye! for here cometh a corporal with six musqueteers that are to seize you and Oliver and bring you to Liechteneck dead or alive: they took me and would have it I should lead them to you: yet am I luckily escaped and come hither to warn ye."

"O villain," thought I, "thou hast betrayed us to get Oliver's money that lieth in the tree." Yet of this I let him mark nothing (for I would have him to shew me the way), but told him both Oliver and they that should take him were dead: which when he would not believe, I was good enough to go with him that he might see the miserable sight of the seven bodies, and says I, "The seventh of them that should take us I let go: and would to God I could bring these to life again, for I would not fail to do it."

At that the peasant was amazed with fear and asked, "What plan have ye now?" "Why," quoth I, "the plan is already resolved on: for I give thee the choice of three things: either lead me by safe by-ways through the wood to Villingen, or shew me Oliver's money that lieth in the tree, or die here and keep these dead men company: an thou bringest me to Villingen thou hast Oliver's money for thyself alone: if thou wilt shew it me I will share it with thee: but if thou wilt do neither, I shoot thee dead and go my way."

Then would he fain have made off, but feared the musquet, and so fell on his knees and offered to guide me through the wood. So we started in haste and walked the whole of that day and the next night, which was by great good luck a very bright one, without food or drink or rest of any kind, till towards daybreak we saw the town of Villingen lie before us, and there I let my peasant go. And what supported us in this long journey was: for the peasant the fear of death and for me the desire to escape, myself and my money; yea, I do wellnigh believe that gold lendeth a man strength: for though I carried a heavy enough load of it yet I felt no especial weariness.

I held it for a lucky omen that even as I came to the gates of Villingen they were being opened, where the officer of the watch examined me; and hearing that I gave myself out to be a volunteer trooper of that regiment to which Herzbruder had appointed me when he released me from my musquet at Philippsburg, and also said that I had escaped from Weimar's camp before Breisach, by whose men I had been captured at Wittenweier and made to serve among them, and that I now desired to come to my regiment among the Bavarians, he gave me in charge to a musqueteer, who led me to the commandant. The same was yet asleep, for he had spent half the night awake about his affairs, so that I must wait a full hour and a half before his quarters, and because the folk just then came from early mass I had a crowd of citizens and soldiers around me that would all know how matters stood before Breisach: at which clamour the commandant awoke and without further delay had me brought to him.

Then began he to examine me, and I said even as I did at the gate. Whereupon he asked me of certain particularities of the siege and so forth, and at that I confessed all; namely, how I had spent some few days with a fellow that had also escaped, and with him had attacked and plundered a coach, with intent to get so much booty from Weimar's people that we could get us horses, and so properly equipped could come to our regiments again; but yesterday we had been attacked unawares by a corporal and six other fellows that would have taken us, whereby my comrade had been left dead on the field with six of the enemy, while the seventh as well as I had escaped: but he to his own party. But of the rest, namely, how I would have come to my wife at Lippstadt, and how I had two such well-stuffed breast and back-plates, of that I said no word, and made no scruple to conceal it, for what did it concern him? Nor did he ask me of it at all, but much more was amazed and would hardly believe that Oliver and I had killed six men and put the seventh to flight, even though my comrade had paid with his life. So as we talked there was occasion to speak of Oliver's wonderful sword that I had by my side: which pleased him so well that if I would part civilly from him and get a pass I must hand it over to him in return for another that he gave me. And in truth it was a fine and beautiful blade, with a perpetual calendar engraved thereupon, nor shall any persuade me 'twas not forged by Vulcan _in hora Martis_, and altogether so prepared as is told of that sword in the Heldenbuch, by which all other swords are cleft asunder and the most courageous and lion-hearted foes are put to flight like fearful hares. So when he had dismissed me and commanded to give me a pass I went the nearest way to an inn, and knew not whether I should first eat or sleep: for I needed both. Yet would I sooner appease my belly, and so commanded meat and drink, and considered how I should lay my plans to come in safety to my wife at Lippstadt with my money; for I was as little minded to go to my regiment as to break my neck.

But while I so speculated and mused of one and another cunning device, there limped into the room a fellow with a stick in his hand, his head bound up, one arm in a sling, and clothes so poor that I would have given him not a penny for them: and so soon as the drawer was ware of him he would have cast him forth, for he smelt vilely and was so full of lice that a man could have garrisoned the whole Swabian[34] heath with them. Yet he prayed he might but be allowed to warm himself, which yet was not granted. But I taking pity on him and interceding for him, with difficulty he was let to come to the stove: and there he looked upon me, as I thought, with a curious longing and a great attention to my drinking, and uttered many sighs. So when the drawer went to fetch me a dish of meat, he came to me at my table and held out an earthen penny-pot, so that I might well understand what he would have: so I took the can and filled up his little pot for him before he asked. But "O friend," says he, "for Herzbruder's sake give me somewhat to eat also." Which when he said it cut me to the heart; for well I saw it was Herzbruder himself. Then had I nearly swooned to see him in so evil a plight, yet I recovered myself and fell upon his neck and set him by me, where the tears did gush from our eyes: his for joy and mine for pity.

_Chap. xxiv._: OF THE MANNER IN WHICH HERZBRUDER FELL INTO SUCH EVIL PLIGHT

Now by reason of the suddenness of this our meeting we could neither eat nor drink, but only ask one of the other how it had fared with each since we had last met. Yet as the host and the drawer went ever in and out, we could have no private discourse: and the host marvelling that I could suffer so lousy a companion by me, I told him that in time of war such was the custom among good soldiers that were comrades: and when I understood further how Herzbruder had till now been in the Spital, and there had been supported by alms, and his wounds but sorrily bound up, I hired of the host a separate chamber, put Herzbruder to bed, and sent for the best surgeon I could find, besides a tailor and a sempstress to clothe him and to rid him of his lice: and having in my purse those same doubloons that Oliver had fetched out of the dead Jew's mouth, I cast them on the table, and says I to Herzbruder, in the host's hearing, "See, brother; there is my money: that will I spend on thee and consume with thee."

So with that the host entertained us nobly: but to the surgeon I showed the ruby that had belonged to the said Jew, and was worth some 20 thalers, and told him that as I purposed to spend such small moneys as I had for our food and for the clothing of my comrade, therefore I would give him that ring if he would quickly and thoroughly cure my said comrade, with which he was content, and bestowed his best care upon that cure. And so I tended Herzbruder like my second self, and caused a modest suit of grey cloth to be made for him. But first I went to the commandant for my pass, and told him how I had met a comrade sorely wounded: for him I would wait till he was sound, for were I to leave him behind me I could not answer for it to my regiment: which intention the commandant approved and allowed me to stay as long as I listed, with the further offer that when my comrade could follow me he would provide us both with sufficient passes.

Then, coming back to Herzbruder and sitting by his bed alone, I begged him he would freely tell me how he had come into so evil a plight: for I thought he might perchance have been driven from his former place for weighty reasons or for some fault, and so degraded and brought to his present evil case. But "Brother," said he, "thou knowest that I was the Count of Götz his factotum and dearest intimate friend: on t'other hand thou knowest well how evil an end this last campaign hath come to under his generalship and command, wherein we not only lost the Battle of Wittenweier, but did also fail to raise the siege of Breisach. Seeing, then, that on this account all manner of rumours be afloat, and that most unfair ones, and in especial now that the said count is cited to Vienna to justify himself, therefore for fear and shame I do willingly live in this humble plight, and often do wish either to die in this misery or at least so long to lie concealed till the said Count shall have proved his innocence: for so far as I know he was at all times true to the Roman emperor: and that in this set year he hath had no good luck is, in my opinion, more to be ascribed to the Providence of God (who giveth victory to whom He will) than to the Count his neglectfulness.

"Now when we were to relieve Breisach and I saw that on our side all was done so sleepily, I armed mine own self and marched forth with the rest upon the bridge of boats as if I in person were to finish the business; which was neither my profession nor my duty: yet I did it for an example to others, because we had accomplished so little that summer then past. But luck or ill-luck would so have it that I, being among the first to sally forth, was also among the first to look the enemy in the face upon the bridge, where was a sharp encounter, and as I had been foremost in attack, so when we gave way before the furious charge of the French I was the last to retreat, and so fell into the enemy's hands: and there did I receive a bullet in the right arm and another in the leg, so that I could neither run nor hold a sword: and as the straitness of the place and the desperateness of the action allowed no talk of giving or taking of quarter, I got me a crack on the head which brought me to the ground, and there, being finely clad, I was by some stripped and in the confusion thrown into the Rhine for dead: in which sore strait I called to God for help and left myself to His good pleasure; and while I offered up my prayers I found His help at hand: for the Rhine did cast me up on land where I did staunch my wounds with moss: and though in so doing I was nigh frozen, yet I found in me a special strength to creep from thence (for God helped me) so that I, though miserably wounded, came to certain Merode-brothers[35] and soldiers' wives, that one and all had compassion on me though they knew me not: yet all already despaired of the relief of that fortress; and that did hurt me more than all my wounds: but they refreshed and clothed me by their fire, and before I could even bandage up my wounds I must behold how our people prepared for a shameful retreat and gave up our cause as lost: which caused me dreadful pain: and for that reason I resolved to make myself known to none, and so not to make myself a mark for mockery: wherefore I joined myself to certain wounded men of our army that had their own surgeon with them: to him I gave a golden cross that I still had about my neck, for which he bound up my wounds so as to last till now. And in such poor plight, my good Simplicissimus, have I made shift so far, and am minded to reveal to no man who I am till I see how the Count of Götz his affair will turn out. And now that I see thy goodness and faith, it breedeth in me great comfort that the good God hath not forsaken me: for this very morning, when I came from early mass and saw thee stand before the commandant's quarters, I did fancy that God had sent thee to me in shape of an angel to help me in my need."

So I did comfort him as best I could, and secretly told him I had yet more money than those doubloons that he had seen; and that all was at his service. Therewith I also told him of Oliver's end, and how I had perforce avenged his death, which so enlivened his spirits that it also helped his body, in such wise that every day he grew better of his wounds.