Chapter XVII: Book III: Chap. i.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND (1)

The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved punishment. And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb; for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits. In this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, 'twas clean impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks. So that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes, 'twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met together there and together had vanished away. But if I kept these new invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went. And besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints could never come at me. Often I was close by a party of the enemy who were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to find me. And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when we were on horseback: for to me 'twas simple enough to dismount at cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses' shoes set on hind part before. But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that I care not to tell of them. Moreover, I devised an instrument wherewith if 'twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow three hours' march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two hours' distance, and hear men's talk at three miles; which art I kept secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all incredible. Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with a perspective-glass in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though 'twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying of one a man cannot understand another. 'Tis true I know well there are folk who to this day will not believe this: but believe it or not, 'tis but the truth. With this instrument I can by night know any man that talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far from me as where with a good perspective-glass one could by day know him by his clothes. Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, "I hear cavalry, for the horses are shod," or "I hear peasants coming, for the horses are unshod," or "I hear waggoners, but 'tis only peasants; for I know them by their talk." "Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I hear the rattling of their bandoliers." "There is a village near by, for I hear the cocks crow and the dogs bark." "There goes a herd of cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt"; and so forth. Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by the devil and his dam. And so I believe will the gentle reader also think. Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had published this discovery 'twould since have become common, for it would be of great service in war and notably in sieges. But I return to my history.

If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could trace them: and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if 'twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused to be made, and so brought them to a safe place. And the big fat swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night, these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might grunt and refuse. For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly with me and paid their score with hams and sausages. And all I brought home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and betrayed, they helped me finely through. For the rest, I deemed myself far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such small deer. And with all this I began by little and little to lead an epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot my hermit's teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all vices. By this means I became so godless and wicked that no villainy was too great for me to compass. But at last I was secretly envied, specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they themselves had. In a word, I am well assured one party or the other would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much.

_Chap. ii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN OF WESEL

Now as I was living in this fashion, and busied with this, namely, to have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green, and under my name practised divers rapes and robberies here and there in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly, had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other like tricks in my name I was elsewhere. Now this I would not pardon him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape and so bring me to shame. So with the knowledge of the commandant at Soest I sent him an invitation to the open field with swords or pistols. But as he had no heart to appear, I let it be known I would be revenged on him, even though it were in the very quarters of the commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him. Yea, I said openly if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy. And that determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer) till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel. So I kept myself to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be. And this thing became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy became so bold and assured at this that they every day would bivouac close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer. Yet what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name getting plunder enough and to spare.

Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans accordingly. Now I had by little and little trained my two servants like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink and gained plenty of booty. One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel, to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since 'twas he that had put on the huntsman's dress in his master's stead, and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him to gain good booty. My good simple fool believed it all, and let himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service. So on a certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i'-th'-field my other servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton. So when they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have it that my servant should slip in first: "But," says he, "No, for there might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore"; and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pushing it through the hole again and again, "So," says he, "We shall find out if the good man be at home or not." This ended, the huntsman of Wesel was the first to creep through. And with that Jump-i'-th'-field had him by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter? That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him in a few paces: so I asked him, "Of what party?" Says he, "Of the emperor's." I asked, "What regiment? I am of the emperor's side: 'tis a rogue that denies his master!" He answered, "We are of the dragoons of Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep: I hope, brother, if ye be of the emperor's party too, ye will let us pass." I answered, "Who are ye, then, from Soest?" Says he, "My comrade in the shed is the huntsman." "Then are ye rogues," said I, "or why do ye plunder your own quarters? The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let himself be taken in a sheep-fold." "Nay, from Wesel I should have said," says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and Jump-i'-th'-field to us with my adversary: and, "Lookye," says I, "Is it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou? Were it not that I respect the emperor's arms which thou hast undertaken to bear against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head: till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest the other with me soldier-fashion." And with that my servant (who, like Jump-i'-th'-field, had on horrible devil's apparel with goat's horns) laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon. But Jump-i'-th'-field growled out, as 'twere from the inside of a hollow pot, "Nay, ye must fight, or I will break the neck of ye." "O honourable sir devil," says the huntsman, "I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this, master devil, and I will do what thou wilt." So as he talked thus wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet he trembled so sore he could not hold it. Now the moon was bright, and the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain: but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils' disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his "Conterbission" regularly every month, and hoped, therefore, he might live in peace with his sheep. To the two fellows he said, why did they so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at once. "Why," said I, "thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep." "Then let the devil wring their necks for them," says the peasant, and away he went. With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that, in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all. But Jump-i'-th'-field would not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with this poor revenge I must be content. So the huntsman vanished from Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more feared, and contrariwise less loved.

_Chap. iii._: HOW THE GREAT GOD JUPITER WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE GODS

Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my godless way of life and give myself over to religion and good living. 'Tis true I would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed it must be a different man from him they had heard of. Nay, more, I made an end of my superfluous expense, and got together many bright ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in mine own regiment than outside the town and in the enemy's garrisons: and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money. And when 'twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand: for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me.

Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy. To me there came a man all alone, very well dressed and flourishing a cane he had in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but this, "Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me divine honours." From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince that went thus disguised to find out his subjects' ways and works, and now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his liking. So I thought, "If this man be of the opposite party, it means a good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life long."

With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-cock, and says I, "Your worship will please to walk before me into yonder wood if he will not be treated as an enemy." So he answered very gravely, "To such treatment my likes are not accustomed": but I pushed him very politely along and, "Your honour," said I, "will not for once refuse to bow to the necessities of the times." So when I had brought him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not ask that, for I knew already he was a great god. I thought he might perhaps know me, and might be a nobleman of Soest that thus spoke to rally me; for 'tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about their great idol with the golden apron: but soon I was aware that instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great god Jupiter himself.

Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, "Now, worshipful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his heavenly throne and descends to earth? Forgive, O Jupiter, my question, which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the heavenly gods and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to whom this secret shall ever remain a secret." "I swear to thee by the Styx," answered Jupiter, "thou shouldst not know a word of the secret wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede, even wert thou Paris's own son: but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the clouds: upon which 'twas decided in the council of all the gods that I could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will."

I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, "Alas, Jupiter, thy toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war, thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment peaceable and pious men. An thou sendest a famine, 'tis but a godsend for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do find their account, for then do they inherit much. So must thou destroy the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all."

_Chap. iv._: OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD AND BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS

So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us gods so to manage things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers, and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the innocent suffer as well as the guilty." "Oho;" says Jupiter, "be ye earthly gods minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little? For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts, dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the hour of his birth. Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but useful, for she shall implant in him an invincible swiftness: Pallas Athene shall rear him on Parnassus, and Vulcan shall, under the influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the godless, without the help of a single man as a soldier: for he shall need no assistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the first quarter of an hour: in a word, he shall have the rule over the greatest potentates of the world, and so nobly bear sway over earth and sea that both gods and men shall rejoice thereat."

"Yea," said I, "but how can the destruction of all the godless and rule over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and a strong arm? O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these things less than any mere mortal man." "At that," says Jupiter, "I marvel not: for thou knowest not what power my hero's sword will have; Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada, though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads before they know what has befallen them. And when he shall begin his triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then shall he use Tamburlaine's vein, and for a sign that he is there for peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag: then if they come forth to him and are content, 'tis well: if not, then will he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and then raise a red flag: then if they be still obstinate, he shall destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, whores, and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag: whereupon if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiff-necked and disobedient folk: yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the others, and been the cause that the people would not submit. So shall he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall reconcile the towns with each other for ever, shall do away all villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, benevolences, war-taxes, and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than in the Elysian fields. And then," says Jupiter, "will I often assemble all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among their vines and fig-trees: and there will I set Helicon on their borders and establish the Muses anew thereon: Germany will I bless with all plenty, yea, more than Arabia Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of Damascus: then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the earth."

"But," said I, "great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this, if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand them over to the towns? Will they not resist with force, or at least protest against it before gods and men?"

"The hero," answered Jupiter, "will trouble himself little on that score: he will divide all the great into three classes: them which have lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish together with the commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword: to the rest he will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not. They that love their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German people's way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much: and so much for the second class. But as to the third, which will still be lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the Hellespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as helpers all them that live by war in all Germany, and make them all kings. Then will he take Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads of all Turks that will not be converted and become obedient before their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake himself again to Germany, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[21] in America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon's time, whose walls shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as the sea between Spain and Africa. And there will he build a temple entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary, Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him. Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it as a fief to the Roman emperor."

Then I asked my friend Jupiter what in such case would become of the Christian kings. So he answered, "Those of England, Sweden, and Denmark (because they are of German race and descent), and those of Spain, France, and Portugal (because the Germans of old conquered and ruled in those lands), shall receive their crowns, kingdoms, and incorporated lands in fee as fiefs of the German nation, and then will there be, as in Augustus's time, a perpetual peace between all nations."

_Chap. v._: HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE SAME MOULD

Now Jump-i'-th'-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, "Yea, yea; and then 'twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms: and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie." "Yea, truly," said Jupiter, "and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying hunger of Erysichthon, for methinks thou art one of them that do deride my majesty," and to me said he, "I deemed I was among wood-spirits only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus or a Zoilus, the most envious creatures in the world. Is one to reveal to such traitors the decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?" So I saw plainly he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own as best I could, and "Most gracious Jupiter," said I, "thou wilt not, by reason of a rude forest-god's indiscretion, conceal from thy Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany." "No, no," said he, "but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did Battus. But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence." So I promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to know. Thereupon, "Dear Ganymede," says he, "for deny not that thou art he--in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers' stone about with him." "Yea," said I, "but how can Germany be so long in peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?" "No, no," says Jupiter, "my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all things to unite all Christian religions in the world." "O wonderful," said I, "that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?" "I will with all my heart reveal it to thee," answered Jupiter, "for after my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition, the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an 'and,' and if not to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it _sine die_, that is for ever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness, but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him to Pluto as a New Year's gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of nectar."

_Chap. vi._: HOW THE EMBASSY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER

Now methought 'twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, "The reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so took Daedalus's wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy, adulterous caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass Mars's adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber; Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander; Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged nowhere but in Augeas's stable, which even without them stinks in the nostrils of all the world."

"Aha;" says Jupiter, "and who would wonder if I laid aside my graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in Phalaris's red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora's box anew and empty it upon the rogues' heads: then Nemesis shall wake the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves, and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in hell and there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies."

Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore. And as he did so he cried, "Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire." So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their ambassadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that, though he had assigned to them the dogs' coats as a dwelling, yet on account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went astray and trespassed on the ladies' furs; and such poor wandering creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. "Yea," said Jupiter further, "they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help, yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected that if 'twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women to hunt, catch, and with the hunters' privilege to slay them in their preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their own limbs were made instruments of torture." "Gentlemen," said I, "ye must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye." "Yea, truly," said they, "they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings." Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly: and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen, I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him no better.

_Chap. vii._: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY

Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not: wherefore Jump-i'-th'-field came nigh to burst. And just then our look-out man that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat coming afar off. So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my perspective-glass it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait: they had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay, but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of road that led through the clearing some six hundred paces from us, and three hundred paces from the end of the wood or hill. Now it vexed me to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well. For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country: the mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and bade Jump-i'-th'-field stay in the place where we had been posted to advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve. Some old veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years. But others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our hands. Yet here I needed no devil's arts, only my Jump-i'-th'-field; for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to pass by us, he began at my order to bellow most horribly like an ox, and to neigh like a horse; till the whole wood echoed therewith and any man would have sworn there were horses and cattle there. So when the escort heard that they thought to gain booty and to snap up somewhat, which yet was hard to find in such a country so laid waste. So altogether they rode so hard and disorderly into our ambush as if each would be the first to get the hardest blow, and this made them ride so close that in the first salute we gave them thirteen saddles were emptied, and some that fell were crushed under the horses' hoofs. Then came Jump-i'-th'-field leaping down the ravine and crying, "Huntsman here!" At this the fellows were yet more terrified and so dismayed that they would ride neither backward, forward nor sideways, but leapt down and tried to escape on foot. Yet I had them all seventeen prisoners with the lieutenant that had commanded them, and then attacked the waggons, where I unharnessed four-and-twenty horses, and yet got only a few bales of silk and holland: for I dared not spare the time to plunder the dead, far less to search the waggons well, for the waggoners were up and away on the horses as soon as the action began, and so might I be betrayed at Dorsten, and caught again on the way back. So when we had packed up our plunder comes Jupiter from the wood and cried to us, "Would his Ganymede desert him?" I answered him, yes, if he would not grant the fleas the privilege they demanded. "Sooner," says he, "would I see them all lying in hell-fires." At that I must needs laugh, and because in any case I had horses to spare I had him set on one: yet as he could ride no better than a tailor, I must have him bound upon his horse: and then he told us our skirmish had reminded him of that of the Lapithae and the centaurs at Pirithous' wedding. So when all was over and we galloping away with our prisoners as if we were pursued, the lieutenant we had captured began to consider what a fault he had committed, as having delivered so bold a troop of riders into the hand of the enemy and given over thirteen brave fellows to be butchered, and so, being desperate, he refused the quarter I had given him, and would fain have compelled me to have him shot; for he thought that not only would this mistake turn to his great shame, and he be answerable, but also would hinder his advancement, even if it came not to this, that he must pay for his error with his head. So I talked with him and shewed him that with many a good soldier inconstant fortune had played her tricks; yet had I never seen any one that therefore had been driven desperate, and that so to act were a sign of faintheartedness: for brave soldiers were ever devising how to make up for losses sustained; nor should he ever bring me to break my plighted word or to commit so shameful a deed against all righteousness and against the custom and tradition of honourable soldiers. When he saw I would not do it he began to revile me in the hope to move me to anger, and said I had not fought with him honestly and openly, but like a rogue and a footpad, and had stolen the lives of his soldiers like a thief: and at this his own fellows that we had captured were mightily afraid, and mine so wroth that they would have riddled him like a sieve if I had allowed it; and I had enough to do to prevent it. Yet I was in no wise moved at his talk, but called both friend and foe to witness of what happened, and had him bound and guarded as a madman, but promised him so soon as we came to our camp, and if my officers permitted, to equip him with mine own horses and weapons, of which he should have the choice, and prove to him in open field, with sword and pistol, that 'twas allowed in war to use craft against the adversary: and asked him why he had not stayed with the waggons, which he was ordered to do; or, if he must needs see what was in the wood, why he had not made a proper reconnaissance, which had been better for him than now to begin to play fool's tricks to which no one would take heed. Herein both friend and foe approved me right, and said that among a hundred partisans they had never met one that would not for such words of reviling have not only shot the lieutenant dead, but would have sent all the prisoners to the grave after him.

So next morning I brought my prisoners and plunder safely to Soest, and gained more honour and fame from this foray than ever before: for each one said, "This will prove another young John de Werth[22]"; which tickled me greatly. Yet would not the commandant permit me to exchange shots or to fight with the lieutenant: for he said I had twice overcome him. And the more my triumphs thus increased the more grew the envy of those that in any case would have grudged me my luck.

_Chap. viii._: HOW HE FOUND THE DEVIL IN THE TROUGH, AND HOW JUMP-I'-TH'-FIELD GOT FINE HORSES

Now I could by no means be rid of my Jupiter: for the commandant would have none of him, as a pigeon not worth the plucking, but said he made me a free gift of him. So now I had a fool of mine own and needed to buy none, though a year before I must needs allow others to treat me as such. So wondrous is fortune and so changeable the times! Even now had the lice troubled me, and now had I the very god of fleas in my power; half a year before was I serving a miserable dragoon as page, and now I had command of two servants that called me master; and so I reflected at times that nothing is so certain in this world as its uncertainty. And so must I fear if ever Fortune should let loose her hornets upon me it would altogether overwhelm my present happiness.