Chapter XXII: Book IV (2)

So now when I had in this fashion escaped death, I had done well to fall on my knees on the bank and thank God's goodness for my deliverance, and moreover then begin to amend my life as I had vowed and promised in my deadly need. But far from it. For when they asked me who I was and how I had come into this peril I began so to lie to the people that it might have made the heavens turn black: for I thought, if thou sayst thou wast minded to help plunder them, they will cast thee into the Rhine again. So I gave myself out for a banished organist, and said that as I would to Strassburg to seek a place as schoolmaster or the like on the upper Rhine, a party had captured me and stripped me and thrown me into the Rhine, which brought me to that same tree. And as I contrived to trick out these my lies finely, and also strengthened them with oaths, I was believed, and all kindness shewn me in the matter of food and drink to refresh me, of which I had great need indeed.

At the custom-house at Strassburg most did land, and I with them, giving them all thanks; and among them I was ware of a young merchant whose face and gait and actions gave me to understand that I had seen him before: yet could I not remember where, but perceived by his speech that 'twas that very same cornet that had once made me prisoner: and now could I not conceive how from so fine a young soldier he had been turned into a merchant, specially since he was a gentleman born. Yea, my curiosity to know if my eyes and ears deceived me or not urged me to go to him and say, "Monsieur Schönstein, is it you or not?" to which he answered, "I am no Herr von Schönstein but a simple trader." "And I too," says I, "was never a huntsman of Soest but an organist, or rather a land-tramping beggar." And "O brother!" he answered, "what the devil trade art thou of? whither art thou bound?" "Brother," said I, "if thou beest chosen by heaven to help preserve my life, as hath now happened for the second time, then 'tis certain that my destiny requires that I should not be far from thee."

Then did we embrace as two true friends, that had aforetime promised to love one another to the death. I must to his quarters and tell him all that had befallen me since I had left Lippstadt for Cologne to fetch my treasure, nor did I conceal from him how I had intended to lay wait for their ship with a party, and how we had fared therein. And he on his part confided to me how he had been sent by the Hessian General Staff to Duke Bernhard of Weimar on business of the greatest import concerning the conduct of the war: to bring reports and to confer with him on future plans and campaigns, all which he had accomplished and was now on his way back in the disguise of a merchant, as I could see. By the way also he told me that my bride at his departure was expecting child-bed, and had been well entreated by her parents and kinsfolk, and furthermore that the colonel still kept the ensigncy for me. Yet he jested at me by reason of my pock-marked face, and would have it that neither my wife nor the other women of Lippstadt would take me for the Huntsman. So we agreed I should lodge with him and on this opportunity return to Lippstadt which was what I most desired. And because I had naught but rags upon me he lent me some trifle in money, wherewith I equipped myself like to an apprentice-lad.

But as 'tis said, "What will be, must be," that I now found true: for as we sailed down the river and the ship was examined at Rheinhausen, the Philippsburgers knew me again, seized me and carried me off to Philippsburg, where I had to play the musqueteer as before: all which angered my friend the cornet as much as myself: for now must we separate: and he could not much take my part, for he had enough to do to get through himself.

_Chap. ix._: WHEREFORE CLERGYMEN SHOULD NEVER EAT HARES THAT HAVE BEEN TAKEN IN A SNARE

Now hath the gentle reader heard in what danger of life I put myself. But as concerns the danger of my soul 'tis to be understood that as a musqueteer I became a right desperate fellow, that cared naught for God and his word. No wickedness was for me too great: and all the goodnesses and loving kindnesses that I had ever received from God quite forgotten: and so I cared neither for this world nor the next but lived like a beast. None would have believed that I had been brought up with a pious hermit: seldom I went to church and never to confess: and because I cared so little for my own soul's health, therefore I troubled my fellow men yet more. Where I could cheat a man I failed not to do it, yea I prided myself upon it, so that none came off scot-free from his dealings with me. From this I often got me a whipping, and still more often the torture-horse; yea, I was often threatened with the strappado and the gibbet: but naught availed: I went on in my godless career till it seemed I would play the desperado and run post-haste to hell. And though I did no deed evil enough to forfeit my life, yet was I so reckless that, save for sorcerers and sodomites, no worse man could be found.

Of this our regiment's chaplain was ware, and being a right zealous saver of souls, at Eastertide he sent for me to know why I had not been at Confession and Holy Communion. But I treated his many faithful warnings as I had done those of the good pastor at Lippstadt, so that the good man could make naught of me. So when it seemed as if Christ and His Baptism were lost in me, at the end says he, "O miserable man: I had believed that thou didst err through ignorance: now know I that thou goest on in thy sins from pure wickedness and of malice aforethought. Who, thinkest thou, can feel compassion for thy poor soul and its damnation? For my part, I protest before God and the world that I am free of guilt as to that damnation; for I have done, and would have gone on to do without wearying, all that was necessary to further thy salvation. But henceforward 'twill not be my duty to do more than to provide that thy body, when thy poor soul shall leave it in such a desperate state, shall be conveyed to no dedicated place there to be buried with other departed pious Christians, but to the carrion-pit with the carcases of dead beasts, or to that place where are bestowed other God-forgotten and desperate men." Yet this severe threatening bore as little fruit as the earlier warnings, and that for this reason only, that I was shamed to confess. O fool that I was! For often I would tell of my knaves' tricks in great company and would lie to make them seem the greater; yet now, when I should be converted and confess my sins to a single man, and him standing in God's place, to receive absolution, then was I as a stock or a stone. I say the truth: I was stockish; and stockish I remained: for I answered, "I do serve the Emperor as a soldier: and if I die as a soldier, 'twill be no wonder if I, like other soldiers (which cannot always be buried in holy ground, but must be content to lie anywhere on the field in ditches or in the maw of wolf and raven), must make shift outside the churchyard."

And so I left the priest, which for his holy zeal for souls had no more return from me than that once I refused him a hare, which he urgently begged from me, on the pretence that since it had hanged itself in a noose and so taken its own life, therefore as a self-murderer it might not be buried in a holy place.

_Chap. x._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS ALL UNEXPECTEDLY QUIT OF HIS MUSQUET

So were things no better with me, but the longer the worse. Once did the colonel say to me he would discharge me for a rogue, since I would do no good. But because I knew he meant it not, I said 'twas easy enough, if only he would dismiss the hangman too, to bear me company. So he let it pass, for well could he conceive that I should hold it for no punishment but for a favour if he would let me go: and against my will I must remain a musqueteer and starve till the summer. But the nearer Count von Götz came with his army, the nearer came also my deliverance: for when that general had his headquarters at Bruchsal, my friend Herzbruder, that I had so faithfully helped with my money in the camp before Magdeburg, was sent by the staff on certain business to our fortress, where all shewed him great honour. I was even then sentry before the colonel's quarters, and though he wore a coat of black velvet, yet I knew him at first sight, yet had not the heart to speak to him at once, as fearing lest, after the way of the world, he should be ashamed of me or would not know me, for by his clothes he was now of high rank and I but a lousy musqueteer. But so soon as I was relieved I asked of his servants his name and rank, to be assured that I did not address another in his place, and yet I had not the courage to speak to him, but wrote this billet to him and caused it to be handed to him in the morning by his chamberlain.

"Monsieur, etc.,--If it should please my worshipful master by his high influence to deliver one whom he once by his bravery saved from bonds and fetters on the field of Wittstock, from the most miserable condition in the world, into which he hath been tossed like a ball by unkind fortune, 'twould cost him little pains and he would for ever oblige one, in any case his faithful servant but now the most wretched and deserted of men.--S. SIMPLICISSIMUS."

No sooner had he read this than he had me to him and "Fellow countryman," says he, "where is the man that gave thee this?" "Sir," I answered, "he is a captive in this fortress." "Well," says he, "now go to him and say I would deliver him an he had the halter round his neck." "Sir," said I, "'twill not need so much trouble, for I am poor Simplicissimus himself, come not only to give thanks for his rescue at Wittstock, but also to beg to be freed from the musquet which I have been forced against my will to carry." But he suffered me not to make an end, but by embracing me shewed me how ready he was to help me: in a word, he did all that one faithful friend can do for another; and before he asked me how I came into the fortress and to such a service, he sent his servant to the Jew to buy me a horse and clothing. And meanwhile I told him how it had fared with me since his father had died before Magdeburg, and when he heard I was the Huntsman of Soest (whose many famous exploits he had heard of) he lamented that he had not known such before, for so could he well have helped me to a company. So when the Jew came with a whole burden of soldiers' clothes, he chose out the best for me, bade me clothe myself, and so took me with him to the colonel. And to him, "Sir," says he, "I have in your garrison found this good fellow here present, to whom I am so much bounden that I cannot leave him in this low estate even if his good qualities deserved no better: and therefore I beg the colonel to do me this favour, and either to give him a better place or to allow me to take him with me and to further his promotion in the army, for which perhaps the colonel has no great opportunity here." At that the colonel crossed himself for sheer wonder to hear any man praise me; and says he, "Your honour will forgive me if I say it is his part to try whether I am willing to serve him so far as his deserts do require: and so far as that goes, let him demand aught else that lies in my power and he shall understand my willingness by my actions. But as to this fellow, he is, according to his own showing, no soldier of mine, but belongs to a regiment of dragoons, and is besides so pestilent a companion that since he hath been here he hath given more work to my provost than a whole company, so that I must needs believe no water will ever drown him." So he ended with a laugh and wished me luck.

But for Herzbruder this was not enough but he further begged the colonel not to refuse to invite me to his table, which favour he also obtained: and this he did to the end that he might tell the colonel in my presence what he only knew of me by hearsay in Westphalia from the Count von der Wahl and the commandant of Soest, all which actions he so praised that all must hold me for a good soldier. And I too carried myself so modestly that the colonel and his people that had known me before could but believe that with my new clothes I had become a new man. Moreover, when the colonel would know how I had gotten the name of doctor, I told them the whole story of my journey from Paris to Philippsburg and how many peasants I had cheated to fill my belly: at which they laughed heartily. And in the end I confessed openly it had been my intention so to vex and weary him, the colonel, with all manner of tricks, that he must at last turn me out of the garrison, if he would live at peace from all the complaints that I caused him. Thereupon he told of many rogueries I had committed while in the garrison, for example, how I had boiled up beans, poured grease over them, and sold the whole for pure grease; also sand for salt, filling the sacks with sand below and salt above; and again, how I had made a fool of one here and another there, and had made a jest of every man, so that during the whole meal they spoke only of me. Yet had I not had such a friend at court these same acts would have been held deserving of severe punishment. And so I drew my conclusion how 'twould go at court if a rogue should gain a prince's favour.

Our meal ended, we found the Jew had no horse which would serve Herzbruder for me: but as he stood in such esteem that the colonel could hardly afford to lose his good word, therefore he presented us with one from his own stable, saddle and bridle and all, on which my lord Simplicissimus was set and with his friend Herzbruder rode joyfully forth from the fortress. And some of my comrades did cry, "Good luck, brother, good luck," but others from envy, "The longer the halter the greater the luck."

_Chap. xi._: DISCOURSES OF THE ORDER OF THE MARAUDER BROTHERS

Now on the way Herzbruder agreed with me that I should give myself out for his cousin that I might receive greater respect: and he for his part would get me a horse and a servant and send me to the regiment of Neuneck, wherein I could serve as a volunteer till an officer's place should fall vacant in the army, to which he could help me. And so in a wink I became a fellow that looked like a good soldier: but in that summer I did no great deeds, save that I helped to steal a few cattle here and there in the Black Forest and made myself well acquainted with the Breisgau and Alsace. For the rest, I had scant luck, for when my servant and his horse had been captured by the Weimar troops at Kenzingen I must needs work the other harder, and in the end so ride him to death that I was fain to join the order of the "Merode-brüder." My friend Herzbruder indeed would willingly have equipped me again: but seeing that I had so soon got rid of the first two horses, he held back, and thought to let me kick my heels till I had learned more foresight: nor did I desire it, for I found in my new companions so pleasant a society that till winter quarters should come I wished for no better employ.

Now must I tell you somewhat of these Merode brothers, for without doubt there be some, and specially those that be ignorant of war, that know not who these people be. And so have I never found any writer that hath included in his work an account of their manners, customs, rights, and privileges: besides which 'tis well worth while that not only the generals of these days but also the peasants should know what this brotherhood is. And first as concerns their name, I do hope 'twill be no disgrace to that honourable cavalier in whose service they got that name, or I could not so openly tack it on to any man. For I once saw a kind of shoe that had in place of eyelet-holes twisted cords, that a man might more easily stamp through the mud: and these were called Mansfeld's shoes because his troops first devised them. Yet should any call Count Mansfeld himself "Cobbler" on that account, I would count him for a fool. And so must you understand this name, that will last as long as Germans do make war: and this was the beginning of it: when this gentleman (Merode) first brought a newly raised regiment to the army his recruits proved as weak and crazy in body as the Bretons,[29] so that they could not endure the marching and other fatigues to which a soldier must submit in the field, for which reason their brigade soon became so weak that it could hardly protect the colours, and wherever you found one or more sick and lame in the market-place or in houses, and behind fences and hedges, and asked, "Of what regiment?" the answer was wellnigh always "Of Merode."

Hence it arose that at length all that, whether sick or sound, wounded or not, were found straggling off the line of march or else did not have their quarters in the field with their own regiment, were called "Merode-brothers," just as before they were known as "swine-catchers" and "bee-taylors": for they be like to the drones in the beehives which when they have lost their sting can work no more nor make honey, but only eat. If a trooper lose his horse or a musqueteer his health, or his wife and child fall ill and must stay behind, at once you have a pair and a half of Merode-brothers, a crew that can be compared with none but gipsies, for not only do they straggle round the army in front, in the flanks, in the middle, as it pleases them, but also they be like the gipsies in manners and customs. For you can see them huddled together (like partridges in winter) behind the hedges in the shade or, if the season require it, in the sun, or else lying round a fire smoking tobacco and idling, while the good soldier meanwhile must endure with the colours heat, thirst, hunger, and all manner of misery. Here again goes a pack of them pilfering alongside the line of march, while many a poor soldier is ready to sink under the weight of his arms. They plunder all they can find before, behind, and beside the army: and what they cannot consume that they spoil, so that the regiments, when they come to their quarters or into camp, do often find not even a good draught of water; and when they are strictly forced to stay with the baggage-train, you will often find this greater in number than the army itself. And though they do march together and lodge together, fight and make common cause, yet have they no captain to order them, no Feldwebel nor sergeant to dust their jackets, no corporal to rouse them up, no drummer to summon them to picket or bivouac duty, and, in a word, no one to bring them into the line of battle like an adjutant nor to assign them their lodgings like a quartermaster, but they live like noblemen. Howbeit whenever a commissariat-officer comes, they are the first to claim their share, undeserved though it be. Yet are the Provost-marshal and his fellows their greatest plague, being such as at times, when they play their tricks too scurvily, do set iron bracelets on their hands and feet, or even adorn them with a hempen collar and hang them up by their precious necks. They keep no watch, they dig no trenches, they serve on no forlorn hope, and they will never fight in line of battle, yet they be well nourished and fed. But what damage the general, the peasant, and the whole army, in which many such companions are to be found, do suffer, is not to be described. The basest of horse-boys, that doth naught but forage, is worth to the general more than one thousand such, that do make a trade of such foraging and lie at ease without excuse upon their bear-skins,[30] till they be taken off by the adversary or be rapped over the fingers when they do meddle with the peasants. So is the army weakened and the enemy strengthened: and even if a scurvy rogue of this kind (I mean not the poor sick man, but the riders without horses that for sheer neglect do let their horses perish, and betake themselves to the brotherhood to save their skins) do so pass the summer, yet all the use one can have of him is to equip him again for the winter at great cost that he may have somewhat to lose in the next campaign. 'Twere well to couple such together like greyhounds and teach them to make war in garrison towns, or even make them toil in chains in the galleys, if they will not serve on foot in the field till they can get a horse again. I say naught here of the many villages that, by chance or by malice, have been burned down by them; how many of their own comrades they entice away, plunder, rob, and even murder, nor how many a spy can be concealed among them if he know but enough to give the name of a regiment and a company in the army. To this honourable brotherhood I now must belong, and so remained till the day before the Battle of Wittenweier, at which time our headquarters were at Schüttern: for going then with my comrades into the county of Geroldseck to steal cows and oxen I was taken prisoner by the troops of Weimar, that knew far better how to treat us, for they made us take musquets and distributed us in different regiments: and so I came into Hattstein's regiment.

_Chap. xii._: OF A DESPERATE FIGHT FOR LIFE IN WHICH EACH PARTY DOTH YET ESCAPE DEATH

Now could I well understand I was born but for misfortune, for some weeks before the engagement happened I heard some lower officers of Götz's army that talked of our war: and says one, "Without a battle will this summer not pass: and if we win, in the next winter we shall surely take Freiburg and the Forest-towns: but if we earn a defeat we shall earn winter quarters too." Upon this prophecy I laid my plans and said to myself, "Now rejoice thee, Simplicissimus, for next spring thou wilt drink good wine of the Lake and the Neckar and wilt enjoy all that the troops of Weimar can win." Yet therein I was mightily deceived, for being now of those troops myself, I was predestinated to help lay siege to Breisach, for that siege was fully set afoot presently after the Battle of Wittenweier, and there must I, like other musqueteers, watch and dig trenches day and night, and gained naught thereby save that I learnt how to assail a fortress by approaches, to which matter I had paid but scant attention in the camp before Magdeburg. For the rest, I was but lousily provided for, for two or three must lodge together, our purses were empty, and so were wine, beer, and meat a rarity. Apples, with half as much bread as I could eat, were my finest dainties. And 'twas hard for me to bear this when I reflected on the fleshpots of Egypt, that is, on the Westphalian hams and sausages of Lippstadt. Yet did I think but little on my wife, and when I did so I did but plague myself with the thought that she might be untrue to me. At last was I so impatient that I declared to my captain how my affairs stood and wrote by the post to Lippstadt, and so heard from Colonel Saint André and my father-in-law that they had, by letters to the Duke of Weimar, secured that my captain should let me go with a pass.

So about a week or four days before Christmas I marched away with a good musquet on my shoulder from the camp down through the Breisgau, being minded at this same Christmas-tide to receive at Strassburg twenty thalers sent to me by my brother-in-law, and then to betake myself down the Rhine with the traders, since now there were no Emperor's garrisons on the road. But when I was now past Endingen and came to a lonely house, a shot was fired at me so close that the ball grazed the rim of my hat, and forthwith there sprang out upon me a strong, broad-shouldered fellow, crying to me to lay down my gun. So I answered, "By God, my friend, not to please thee," and therewith cocked my piece. Thereupon he whipped out a monstrous thing that was more like to a headsman's sword than a rapier, and rushed upon me: and now that I saw his true intent I pulled the trigger and hit him so fair on the forehead that he reeled, and at last fell. So to take my advantage of this I quickly wrested his sword out of his hand and would have run him through with it, but it would not pierce him; and then suddenly he sprang to his feet and seized me by the hair and I him, but his sword I had thrown away. So upon that we began such a serious game together as plainly shewed the bitter rage of each against the other, and yet could neither be the other's master: now was I on top, and now he, and for a moment both on our feet, which lasted not long, for each would have the other's life. But as the blood gushed out in streams from my nose and mouth I spat it into mine enemy's face, since he so greatly desired it: and that served me well, for it hindered him from seeing. And so we hauled each other about in the snow for more than an hour, till we were so weary that to all appearance the weakness of one could not, with fists alone, have overcome the weariness of the other; nor could either have compassed the death of the other of his own strength and without weapon. Yet the art of wrestling, wherein I had often exercised myself at Lippstadt, now served me well, or I had doubtless paid the penalty: for my enemy was stronger than I, and moreover proof against steel. So when we had wearied us wellnigh to death says he at last, "Brother, hold, I cry you mercy."

So says I, "Nay, thou hadst best have let me pass at the first." "And what profit hast thou if I die?" quoth he. "Yea," said I, "and what profit hadst thou had if thou hadst shot me dead, seeing that I have not a penny in my pocket?" On that he begged my pardon, and I granted it, and suffered him to stand up after he had sworn to me solemnly that he would not only keep the peace but would be my faithful friend and servant. Yet had I neither believed nor trusted him had I then known of the villainies he had already wrought. But when we were on our feet we shook hands upon this, that what had happened should be forgotten, and each wondered that he had found his master in the other; for he supposed that I was clad in the same rogue's hide as himself: and that I suffered him to believe, lest when he had gotten his gun again he should once more attack me. He had from my bullet a great bruise on his forehead, and I too had lost much blood. Yet both were sorest about our necks, which were so twisted that neither could hold his head upright.

But as it drew towards evening, and my adversary told me that till I came to the Kinzig I should meet neither dog nor cat, still less a man, whereas he had in a lonely hut not far from the road a good piece of meat and a draught of the best, I let myself be persuaded and went with him, he protesting with sighs all the way how it grieved him to have done me a hurt.

_Chap. xiii._: HOW OLIVER CONCEIVED THAT HE COULD EXCUSE HIS BRIGAND'S TRICKS

A determined soldier whose business it is to hold his life cheap and to adventure it easily, is but a stupid creature. Out of a thousand fellows you could hardly have found one that would have gone as a guest to an unknown place with one that had even now tried to murder him. On the way I asked him which army he was of. So he said, he served no prince but was his own master, and asked of what party I was. I answered I had served the Duke of Weimar but had now my discharge, and was minded to betake myself home. Then he asked my name, and when I said "Simplicius" he turned him round (for I made him walk before me because I trusted him not) and looked me straight in the face. "Is not thy name also Simplicissimus?" quoth he. "Yea," says I, "he is a rogue that denies his own name: and who art thou?" "Why, brother," he answered, "I am Oliver, whom thou wilt surely remember before Magdeburg." With that he cast away his gun and fell on his knees to beg for my pardon that he had meant to do me an ill turn, saying he could well conceive he could have no better friend in the world than he would find in me, since according to old Herzbruder's prophecy I was so bravely to avenge his death. And I for my part did wonder at so strange a meeting, but he said, "This is nothing new: mountain and valley can never meet, but what is truly strange is this, that I from a secretary have become a footpad and thou from a fool a brave soldier. Be ye sure, brother, that if there were ten thousand like us, we could relieve Breisach to-morrow and in the end make ourselves masters of the whole world."

With such talk we came at nightfall to a little remote labourer's cottage: and though such boasting pleased me not, yet I said "Yea," chiefly because his rogue's temper was well known to me, and though I trusted him not at all, yet went I with him into the said house, in which a peasant was even then lighting a fire: to him said Oliver, "Hast thou aught ready cooked?" "Nay," said the peasant, "but I have still the cold leg of veal that I brought from Waldkirch." "Well then," said Oliver, "go bring it here and likewise the little cask of wine." So when the peasant was gone, "Brother," said I (for so I called him to be safer with him) "thou hast a willing host." "Oh, devil thank the rogue," says he, "I do keep his wife and child for him and also he doth earn good booty for himself; for I do leave for him all the clothes that I capture, for him to turn to his own profit." So I asked where he kept his wife and child; to which Oliver answered, he had them in safety in Freiburg, where he visited them twice a week, and brought him from thence his food, as well as powder and shot. And further he told me he had long practised this freebooter's trade, and that it profited him more than to serve any lord: nor did he think to give it up till he had properly filled his purse. "Brother," says I, "thou livest in a dangerous estate, and if thou art caught in such a villainy, how thinkest thou 'twould fare with thee?" "Aha," says he, "I perceive thou art still the old Simplicissimus: I know well that he that would win must stake somewhat: but remember that their lordships[31] of Nuremberg hang no man till they catch him." So I answered, "Yea, but put the case, brother, that thou art not caught, which is yet but unlikely, since the pitcher that goes often to the well must break at last, yet is such a life as thou leadest the most shameful in the world, so that I scarce can believe thou canst desire to die in it."

"What?" says he, "the most shameful? My brave Simplicissimus, I assure thee that robbery is the most noble exercise that one in these days can find in the world. Tell me how many kingdoms and principalities be there that have not been stolen by violence and so taken. Or is it ever counted for evil of a king or a prince in the whole world that he enjoys the revenues of his lands, which commonly have been gained by his forefathers with violence and conquest? Yea, what could be named more noble than the trade that I now follow? I well perceive that thou wouldst fain preach me a sermon showing how many have been hanged, drawn, and quartered for murder and robbery: but that I know already, for so the laws do command: yet wilt thou see none but poor and miserable thieves so put to death, as they indeed deserve for undertaking this noble craft, which is reserved for men of high parts and capacity. But when hast thou ever seen a person of quality punished by justice for that he has oppressed his people too much? Yea, and more than that, when is the usurer punished, that yet doth pursue this noble trade in secret, and that too under the cloak of Christian love? Why, then, should I be punishable, I that practise it openly without concealment or hypocrisy? My good Simplicissimus, thou hast never read thy Machiavel. I am a man of honest mood, and do follow this manner of life openly and without shame. I do fight and do adventure my life upon it like the heroes of old, and do know that such trades, and likewise he that follows them, stand ever in peril: but since I do adventure my life thereupon, it doth follow without contradiction that 'tis but just and fair I should be allowed to follow my trade."

To that I answered, "Whether robbery and theft be allowed to thee or not, yet do I know that this is against the order of nature, that will not have it so that any man should do to another what he would not have done to himself. And this is wrong, too, as against the laws of this world, which ordain that thieves shall be hanged and robbers beheaded and murderers broken on the wheel: and lastly, 'tis also against the laws of God, which is the chiefest point of all: for He doth leave no sin unpunished." "Yea," said Oliver, "'tis as I said: thou art still the same old Simplicissimus that hath not yet studied his Machiavel: but if I could but set up a monarchy in this fashion, then would I fain see who would preach to me against it."

And so had we disputed longer: but then came the peasant with meat and drink, and so we sat together and appeased our hunger, of which I at least had much need.

_Chap. xiv._: HOW OLIVER EXPLAINED HERZBRUDER'S PROPHECY TO HIS OWN PROFIT, AND SO CAME TO LOVE HIS WORST ENEMY

Our food was white bread and a cold leg of veal. And moreover we had a good sup of wine and a warm room. "Aha! Simplicissimus," said Oliver, "'tis better here than in the trenches before Breisach." "True," said I, "if one could enjoy such a life with safety and a good conscience." At that he laughed loud, and says he, "Yea, are the poor devils in the trenches safer than we, that must every moment expect a sally of the garrison? My good Simplicissimus, I do plainly see that, though thou hast cast aside thy fool's cap, thou hast kept thy fool's head, that cannot understand what is good and what is bad. And if thou wert any but that same Simplicissimus that after Herzbruder's prophecy must avenge my death, I would make thee to confess that I do lead a nobler life than any baron." With that I did think, "How will it go now? Thou must devise another manner of speech, or this barbarous creature with the help of his peasant may well make an end of thee." So says I, "Who did ever hear at any time that the scholar should know more than the master? And so, brother, if thou hast so happy a life as thou dost pretend, give me a share in thy good luck, for of good luck I have great need."

To which Oliver answered, "Brother, be thou assured that I love thee as mine own self, and that the affront I put upon thee to-day doth pain me more than the bullet wherewith thou didst wound my forehead, when thou didst so defend thyself as should any proper man of courage. Therefore why should I deny thee anything? If it please thee, stay thou here with me: I will provide for thee as for myself. Or if thou hast no desire to stay with me, then will I give thee a good purse of money and go with thee whithersoever thou wilt. And that thou mayest believe that these words do come from my heart, I will tell thee the reason wherefore I do hold thee in such esteem: thou dost know how rightly old Herzbruder did hit it off with his prophecies: and look you, that same did so prophesy to me when we lay before Magdeburg, saying, 'Oliver, look upon our fool as thou wilt, yet will he astonish thee by his courage, and play thee the worst tricks thou hast ever known, for which thou shalt give him good cause at a time when ye know not one another. Yet will he not only spare thy life when it is in his hands, but after a long time he will come to the place where thou art to be slain: and there will he avenge thy death.' And for the sake of this prophecy, my dear Simplicissimus, am I ready to share with thee the very heart in my breast. For already is a part of that prophecy fulfilled, seeing that I gave thee good reason to shoot me in the head like a valiant soldier and to take my sword from me (which no other hath ever done) and to grant me my life, when I lay under thee and was choking in blood: and so I doubt not that the rest of the prophecy which concerns my life shall be fulfilled. And from this matter of the revenge I must conclude, brother, that thou art my true friend, for an thou wert not, thou wouldest not take upon thee to avenge me. And now thou hast the innermost thoughts of my heart: so now do thou tell me what thou art minded to do." Upon that I thought, "The devil trust thee, for I do not: if I take money from thee for the journey I may well be the first whom thou slayest: and if I stay with thee I must expect some time to be hanged with thee." So I determined I would befool him, tarrying with him till I could find opportunity to be quit of him: and so I said if he would suffer me I would stay with him a day or a week to see if I could accustom myself to his manner of life: and if it pleased me he should find in me a true friend and a good soldier: and if it pleased me not, we could at any time part in peace. And on that he drank to my health, yet I trusted him not, and feigned to be drunken before I was so, to see if he would be at me when I could not defend myself.

Meanwhile the fleas did mightily plague me, whereof I had brought good store from Breisach; for when it grew warm they were no longer content to remain in my rags but walked abroad to take their pleasure. Of that Oliver was aware, and asked me had I lice? To which I answered, "Yea, indeed, and more than I can hope to have ducats in my life." "Say not so," said Oliver, "for if thou wilt abide with me thou canst earn more ducats than thou hast lice now." I answered, "'Tis as impossible as that I can be quit of my lice." "Yea," says he, "but both are possible": and with that he commanded the peasant to fetch me a suit that lay in a hollow tree near the house; which was a grey hat, a cape of elk-skin, a pair of scarlet breeches, and a grey coat: and shoes and stockings would he give me next day. So as I saw him so generous I trusted him somewhat better than before, and went to bed content.

_Chap. xv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS THOUGHT MORE PIOUSLY WHEN HE WENT A-PLUNDERING THAN DID OLIVER WHEN HE WENT TO CHURCH

So the next morning, as day began to break, says Oliver, "Up, Simplicissimus; we will fare forth in God's name to see what we can come by." "Good Lord," thought I, "must I then in thy holy name go a-thieving?" I that aforetime when I left my good hermit could not hear without marvelling when one man said to another, "Come, brother, we will in God's name take off a cup of wine together"? for that I counted a double sin, that a man should be drunken, and drunken in God's name. "My heavenly Father," thought I, "how am I changed since then! My faithful Lord, what will at last become of me if I turn not? Oh! check thou my course, that will assuredly bring me to hell if I repent not."

So speaking and so thinking did I follow Oliver to a village wherein was no living creature: and there to have a better view we did go up into the church steeple: there had he in hiding the shoes and stockings that he had promised me the night before, and moreover two loaves of bread, some pieces of dried meat, and a barrel half full of wine, which would have easily afforded him provision for a week. So while I was putting on what he gave me he told me here was the place where he was wont to wait when he hoped for good booty, to which end he had so well provisioned himself, and, in a word, told me he had several such places, provided with meat and drink, so that if he could not find a friend at home in one place he might catch him elsewhere. For this must I praise his prudence, yet gave him to understand that 'twas not well so to misuse a place that was dedicated to God's service. "What," says he, "misuse? The churches themselves if they could speak would confess that what I do in them is naught in comparison with the sins that have aforetime been committed in them. How many a man and how many a woman, thinkst thou, have come into this church since it was built, on pretence of serving God, but truly only to shew their new clothes, their fine figure, and all their bravery! Here cometh one into church like a peacock and putteth himself so before the altar as he would pray the very feet off the saints' images! And there standeth another in a corner to sigh like the publican in the temple, which sighs be yet only for his mistress on whose face he feedeth his eyes, yea, for whose sake he is come thither. Another cometh to the church with a packet of papers like one that gathereth contributions for a fire, yet more to put his debtors in mind than to pray: and an he had not known those debtors would be in the church he had sat at home over his ledgers. Yea, it doth happen often that when our masters will give notice of aught to a parish, it must be done of a Sunday in the church, for which reason many a farmer doth fear the church more than any poor sinner doth fear the judge and jury. And thinkest thou not there be many buried in churches that have deserved sword, gallows, fire, and wheel? Many a man could not have brought his lecherous intent to a good end had not the church helped him. Is a bargain to be driven or a loan to be granted, 'tis done at the church door. Many a usurer there is that can spare no time in the week to reckon up his rogueries, that can sit in church of a Sunday and devise how to practise fresh villainies. Yea, here they sit during mass and sermon to argue and talk as if the Church were built for such purpose only: and there be matters talked of that in private houses none would speak about. Some do sit and snore as if they had hired the place to sleep in: and some do naught but gossip of others and do whisper, 'How well did the pastor touch up this one or that one in his sermon!' and others do give heed to the discourse but for this reason only! not to be bettered by it, but that they may carp at and blame their minister if he do but stumble once at a word (as they understand the matter). And here will I say naught of the stories I have read of amorous intercourse that hath its beginning and end in a church; for I could not now remember all I could tell thee of that. Yet canst thou see how men do not only defile churches with their vices while they live but do fill them with their vanity and folly after they be dead. Go thou now into a church, and there by the gravestones and epitaphs thou wilt see how they that the worms have long ago devoured do yet boast themselves: look thou up and there wilt thou see more shields and helmets, and swords and banners, and boots and spurs than in many an armoury: so that 'tis no wonder that in this war the peasants have fought for their own in churches as if 'twere in fortresses. And why, then, should it not be allowed to me--to me, I say, as a soldier--to ply my trade in a church, whereas aforetime two holy fathers did for the mere sake of precedence cause such a blood-bath in a church[32] that 'twas more like to a slaughter-house than a holy place? Yea, I would not so act if any did come here to do God's service; for I am but of the lay people: yet they, that were clergymen, respected not the high majesty of the emperor himself. And why should it be forbidden to me to earn my living by the church when so many do so earn it? And is it just that so many a rich man can for a fee be buried in the church to bear witness of his own pride and his friends' pride, while yet the poor man (that may have been as good a Christian as he and perchance a better), that can pay naught, must be buried in a corner without? 'Tis as a man looks upon it: had I but known that thou wouldst scruple so to lay wait in a church I had devised another answer for thee: but in the meanwhile have thou patience till I can persuade thee to a better mind."

Now would I fain have answered Oliver that they were but lewd fellows that did dishonour the churches as did he, and that they would yet have their reward. Yet as I trusted him not, and had already once quarrelled with him, I let it pass. Thereafter he asked me to tell him how it had fared with me since we parted before Wittstock, and moreover why I had had the jester's clothes on when I came into the camp before Magdeburg. Yet as my throat did mightily pain me, I did excuse myself and prayed him he would tell me the story of his life, that perchance might have strange happenings in it. To that did he agree, and began in this manner to tell me of his wicked life.

_Chap. xvi._: OF OLIVER'S DESCENT, AND HOW HE BEHAVED IN HIS YOUTH, AND SPECIALLY AT SCHOOL

"My father," said Oliver, was born not far from Aachen town of poor parents, for which reason he must in his youth take service with a rich trader that dealt in copper wares: and there did he carry himself so well that his master had him taught to write, read, and reckon, and set him over his whole household as did Potiphar Joseph. And that was well for both parties, for the merchant's wealth grew more and more through my father's zeal and prudence, and my father became prouder and prouder through his prosperity, so that he grew ashamed of his parents and despised them, of which they complained, yet to no purpose. So when he was five-and-twenty years of age, then died the merchant, and left an aged widow and one daughter, which last had played the fool and was not barren: but her child soon followed his grandfather. Thereupon my father, when he saw her at once fatherless and childless but not moneyless, cared not at all that she could wear no maiden's garland again, but began to pay her court, the which her mother well allowed, not only because her daughter might so recover her reputation but also because my father possessed all knowledge of the business and in especial could well wield the Jews' Spear.[33] And so by this marriage was my father in a moment a rich man and I his son and heir, whom for his wealth's sake he caused to be tenderly brought up: so was I kept in clothes like a young nobleman, in food like a baron, and in attendance like a count, for all which I had more to thank copper and calamine than silver and gold.