Chapter XII: Book II: Chap. i.: HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED (1)

So in my goose-pen I pondered on all that I have set down in black and white in my first part; of which, therefore, there is no need in this place to say more. Yet can I not choose but say that even then I doubted whether the dancers in truth were so mad to stamp the floor down or whether I was only so led to believe. Now will I further relate how I came again out of my goose prison. For three whole hours, namely, till that "Praeludium Veneris" (I should have said that seemly dance) was ended, I must perforce sit till one came softly and fumbled with the bolt: so I listened as quiet as any mouse, and presently the fellow that was at the door not only opened it but whipped in himself as quick as I would fain have whipped out, and with him by the hand he led in a lady, even as I had seen done at the dancing. I knew not what was to happen: but because I was now accustomed to all such strange adventures as had happened to me, poor fool, on that one day, and had made up my mind to bear with patience and silence whatever my fate might bring me, I crept close to the door and with fear and trembling waited for the end. So presently there was between these two a whispering, whereof I could understand naught save that the one party complained of the evil air of the place, and on the other hand the second party would console the first.

Thereupon I heard kisses and observed strange postures, yet knew not what this should mean, and therefore still kept still as a mouse. Yet when a comical noise arose and the goose-pen, which was but of boards nailed together below the staircase, began to shake and crack, and moreover the lady seemed in trouble, I thought, surely these be two of those mad folk which helped to stamp on the floor, and have now betaken themselves hither to behave in like manner, and bring thee to thy death.

As soon as these thoughts came into my head, I seized upon the door, so to escape death, and out I whipt with a cry of "Murder" as loud as that which had brought me to that place. Yet had I the sense to bolt the door behind me and make for the open house-door.

This was now the first wedding I was ever present at in my life, and even to that I had not been invited: on the other hand, I needed to give no wedding-gift, though the bridegroom did mark up a heavy score against me, which I honourably discharged.

Gentle reader, I tell this story not that thou mayest laugh thereat, but that my History may be complete, and my readers may take to heart what honourable fruits are to be expected from this dancing. For this I hold for certain, that in these dances many a bargain is struck up, whereof the whole company hath cause thereafter to be shamed.

_Chap. ii._: CONCERNING THE MERITS AND VIRTUES OF A GOOD BATH AT THE PROPER SEASON

And now, when I had luckily escaped from my goose-pen, I was then first aware of my sad plight. In my master's quarters all was sound asleep: so dared I not address myself to the sentry that stood before the house: and at the Mainguard assuredly they would not entertain me: while to abide in the streets was too cold: so I knew not whither to betake myself. Long past midnight it was when it came into my head to seek refuge with the pastor so often spoken of before; and this thought I followed so far as to knock at his door: and therein was so importunate that at last the maid, with much ill will, admitted me. But forthwith she began to chide with me; and this her master, who had by this time wellnigh slept off his wine, heard. So he called us both to him as he lay in his chamber: and ordered his maid, to put me to bed: for he could well perceive that I was numbed with the cold. Yet was I hardly warm in my bed when day began to break and the good pastor stood by my bedside to hear how it had gone with me and how my business had fared, for I could not rise to go to him. So I told him all, and began with the tricks which my comrade the page had taught me, and how ill they had turned out. Thereafter I must tell him how the guests, after he, the pastor, had left the table, had lost their wits and (as my comrade had told me) determined to stamp down the floor of the house: item into what fearful terror I thereupon fell, and in what fashion I tried to save my life: how thereafter I was shut up in a goose-pen and what I had noted in words and works of those two which had delivered me, and in what manner I had locked them both up in my stead.

"Simplicissimus," said the pastor, "thy case stands but lousily: thou hadst a good opportunity; but I fear, I fear thou hast fooled it away. Get thee quick out of bed and pack out of my house, lest I come with thee under my lord's displeasure if thou be found here with me." So I must away, with my wet clothes, and now for the first time must understand how well he stands with all and sundry who doth but possess his master's favour: yet how askance he is looked upon when that favour halteth.

Away I went to my master's lodging, wherein all were yet sound asleep save the cook and a maid or two: these last were ordering the room wherein the day before had been the carouse, and the first was preparing from the remains of the feast a breakfast, or rather a luncheon. So first I betook myself to the maids: they had to deal with all manner of drinking-glasses and window-glass strewn up and down. In some places all was foul with what the guests had voided both upwards and downwards: in other places were great pools of spilt wine and beer, so that the floor looked like a map wherein a man could trace separate seas, islands, and continents. And in that room was the smell far worse than in my goose-pen: and therefore I delayed not long there but betook myself to the kitchen, and there had my clothes dried on my body before the fire, expecting with fear and trembling what tricks fortune would further play with me when my lord should awake. Then did I reflect upon all the folly and senselessness of the world, and ran over in my mind all that happened to me in the past day and night and what I had seen and heard in that time. So when I thought thereon I did even deem the poor and miserable life which my old hermit led a happy one, and heartily I wished him and myself back in our old place.

_Chap. iii._: HOW THE OTHER PAGE RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS TEACHING, AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHOSEN TO BE A FOOL

When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the goose-pen: who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut with a knife behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. But before such report came my lord understood from others that I had for a long time been in the kitchen. Meanwhile the servants must run hither and thither to fetch yesterday's guests to breakfast: among whom was also the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master would talk with him concerning me before they went to table. He asked him first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of malice and in their despite; item, that he had caused me to be shut up in a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet further have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my state in the kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him: in his lifetime no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played him in the presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to do with me save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself so clownishly, to send me to the devil.

Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled by degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little while, he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from which not only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable thoughts removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his conduct.

Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised him to keep a still tongue concerning his doings.

So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with food and with guests. There wormwood, sage wine, elecampane, quince and lemon drinks, with hippocras, were to clear the heads and stomachs of the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay. Their first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that would truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some had called the devil to witness they could drink no more. Some indeed confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it 'twas only since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that such aches had come in fashion. But when they were tired both of hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear the brunt. And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of those merry happenings which he had promised.

So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as he must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office. Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain enchantments[9] against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned out when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange to me, because I had never seen the like before, what an explication thereof I had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized upon the noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen. All this he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking that they were fit to split with laughing, and so completely forgave my simplicity and ignorance that I was restored to my master's favour and was allowed to wait at table again. But of what had happened to me in the goose-pen and how I was delivered therefrom would he say nought, for it seemed to him some old antediluvian images might have taken offence at him, which believe that pastors should always look sour. Then again my master, to make sport for his guests, asked me what had I given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty tricks: so I said, "Nothing at all." Then says he, "I will pay him the school fees for thee." So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket and there soundly trounced: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when I tried those magical arts and found them false.

So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain give me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw well that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me to make sport for them, for to every one it seemed that I, with my foolish fancies, was better than a dozen lutes. So he asked me why I had cut a hole in the door of the goose-pen. I answered, "Another may have done it." "Who then?" says he. "Why," says I, "he that came to me." "And who came to thee?" quoth he. "Nay," says I, "that may I tell no man." Now my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, "The mad ensign."

Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as a hot coal, I would say no more till by him it should be allowed. Yet this was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a command, to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew. And thereupon my master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do with me in the goose-pen. "Oh," says I, "he brought a young lady to me there."

And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more questions; and 'twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young maiden (forsooth) might have been put to shame.

Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams on half-waggons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed in onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled the beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front smoke and thunder and hell-fire. Then they told many more such stories of me, so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other employ but to talk of me and laugh at me. And this was the cause of a general conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be soundly befooled. For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare jester, by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in the world and cause laughter to a dying man.

_Chap. iv._: CONCERNING THE MAN THAT PAYS THE MONEY, AND OF THE MILITARY SERVICE THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS DID FOR THE CROWN OF SWEDEN: THROUGH WHICH SERVICE HE GOT THE NAME OF SIMPLICISSIMUS

But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which same was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review the garrison and survey the fortress. Such news spoiled all jesting, and all jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind is gone out. The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself, together with a detachment from the Mainguard and many torches, to the very gates, himself to give admittance to the Blackguts, as he called him: he wished, he said, the devil had broke his neck in a thousand pieces ere ever he came to the city. Yet so soon as he had let him in and welcomed him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted but a little, or nothing at all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to shew his devotion; yea, the courtesy to all outward shew was between the two so great that the Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my lord even to his lodging; and as they walked each would have the left-hand place.

Then thought I, "Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another's help."

So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call "Who goes there?" though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the last "Who goes there?" "The man who pays the money."

Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg, thus murmur to himself: "Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that pays the money? a skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou. So much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert struck dead before thou shouldst leave this town."

So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm him, but also even they that hated him shewed him all honour and love and kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind drunk, and thereafter put to bed in a noble bedplace.

Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too little to represent a musqueteer. So they furnished me forth to that end with borrowed clothes (for my short page's breeches were in no wise military to look upon) and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name, hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family; and that although, after his own shewing, I looked so like his own sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more than this to my charge.

_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE

Now when the Commissary had gone the abovementioned pastor bade me come secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, "O Simplicissimus: for thy youth I am sorry, and thy future misery moveth me to sympathy. Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for thee. So to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be used against it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because I, for thy hermit's piety's sake and for thine own innocence' sake, desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble, therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy spine and the nape of thy neck, and also thy nostrils; and both these things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little, lest thine attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool's coat, then come again to me that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of body."

With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook myself home.

Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep came four rogues disguised with frightful devils' masks into my room and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks and twelfth-night fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they pretended.

Then said they, "Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us: but if thou wilt not be a good fellow and take thy part, thou must forthwith into this fire that thou seest."

These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I marked at once they were my lord's grooms: yet I let them not perceive this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but they drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master's guests lately do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all the time they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is kept from sleep[10]: and this was my great torment. 'Tis true I could have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved one another's watch; and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if 'twould burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to rid me at once of my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well have come out, soul and all. And what they did further with me I know not, so gone was I from my senses.

_Chap. vi._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A CALF

Now when I came to myself I found myself no longer in the gloomy cellar with the devils, but in a fine room under the charge of three of the foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them at first, when I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be the Furies, or at least have taken one for Tisiphone come from hell to rob me, like Athamas, of my wits (for well I knew I was there to be turned into a fool). For she had a pair of eyes like two will-o'-the-wisps, and between the same a long, thin hawk's nose whose end or point reached at least to her lower lip: and two teeth only could I see in her mouth, and those so perfect, long, round, and thick that each might for its form be likened to a ring-finger, and for its colour to the gold ring itself. In a word, there was enough to make up a mouthful of teeth, yet ill distributed. Her face was like Spanish leather, and her grey hair hung in a strange confusion about her head, for they had but just fetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsome sight, which could serve for nought else but as an excellent remedy against the unreasonable lust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whit handsomer, save that they had blunt apes' noses and had put on their clothes somewhat more orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself, I perceived that the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives of two grooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I was in no condition for dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames stripped me stark naked and cleansed me from all filth like a young child; yea, while the work was a-doing they shewed me great patience and much compassion, insomuch that I nearly revealed to them how it truly stood with me: yet I thought, "Nay, Simplicissimus, trust thou in no old women; but consider thou hast victory enough if thou in thy youth canst deceive three such crafty old hags, with whose help one could catch the devil in the open field: from such beginnings thou mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things."

So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and other things wherewith they had washed me away with them, and my clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trencher full of cakes, shortbread, marchpane, and other confectionery; but the other a gilded flagon in his hand. These two angels (for such they gave themselves out to be) sought to persuade me I was now in heaven, for that I had happily endured purgatory and had escaped from the devil and his dam: so need I only ask what my heart desired, for all that I could wish was at hand or, if not, they could presently fetch it. Now I was tormented by thirst, and as I saw the beaker before me I desired only drink, which was willingly handed to me. Yet was it no wine but a gentle sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and with that again fell asleep so soon as it grew warm within me.

The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, and besides that I had on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough side was turned outwards: the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian fashion and the doublet too shaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on my neck was a headpiece like a monk's cowl; this was drawn down over my head and ornamented with a fine pair of great asses' ears. Then must I perforce laugh at mine own plight; for well I saw by the nest and the feathers what manner of bird I was to be. And at that time I first began to reason with myself and to reflect what I had best do. So this I determined: to play the fool to the uttermost, as I might have the chance now and again, and meanwhile to wait with patience how my fate would shape itself.

_Chap. vii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A BRUTE BEAST

Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me; for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves in goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer."

So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack of young fools and old.

Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[11] apprentice and answered thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try which of us two can best trick the other."

Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf, albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport. And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's jape, and as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly one fool maketh a hundred more."

But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine own self."

And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men the cleverest.

The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only grass, which at that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this, but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better.

"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and butter; yea, and at times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more lustful than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more stupid than asses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord would not permit that I should pass the night in the cow-byre. Now all this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious God doth lend and impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover, that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be as many good fish[12] in the sea yet.

_Chap. viii._: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS

Now when I awaked next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him I told all that had happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So when he saw that it vexed my conscience that I should deceive so many folk, and specially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, "why, upon that point," says he, "thou needest not to trouble thyself: this foolish world will be befooled; and if they have left thee thy wits, so use thou those same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine to thyself as if thou, like to the Phœnix, hast been newly born from folly to understanding through fire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou withal thou art not yet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason hast slipped into this fool's cap. Yea, and these times be so out of joint that none can know whether thou yet escape without loss of thy life. For a man can run quickly into hell, but to get out again doth need a deal of puffing and blowing: and thou art not yet--no, not by a long way--man enough to escape the danger that lies before thee, as well thou mightest suppose. So wilt thou have need of more foresight and wit than in those days when thou knewest not what reason or unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turn of the tide."

Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, and busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies which he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made him impossible promises to repay him all that my debt to him demanded. Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour, wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis had perfected, and that not without great pains, whereby he could teach men at the repeating of a single word to recount all that they had ever heard or read, and such a thing, said he, "were not possible without medicines to strengthen the head such as he had ministered to me."

"Yea," thought I, "my good master parson: yet have I read in thine own books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a different tale of that wherein the Skepsian's mnemonic did consist."

Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth, 'twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30,000 soldiers by his right name; how Lucius Scipio could do the like with every citizen of Rome; and how Cineas, Pyrrhus's ambassador, on the very day after he came to Rome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators, and nobles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So, too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000 names in order if they were once recited before him and, as Ravisius tells, could repeat 200 verses spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to the first. So Esdras knew the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictate the same word by word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year did learn the Persian Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk the five separate dialects of the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects. Julius Cæsar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences. The holy Jerome knew both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, Arabic and Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by heart only from hearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican that he could hear 6000 men's names recited and thereafter repeat them in proper order.

"And all this I tell thee," said he further, "that thou mayest not hold it for an impossible thing that a man's memory should be excellently strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness, terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it either vanisheth away or loseth a great part of its virtue. So do we read of a learned man at Athens that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness, came to this, that he forgot his own servant's name: and Messala Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory. And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a year's time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eat bear's brains, 'tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as if he himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a Spanish nobleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and could believe nought else but that he was a bear. My good Simplicissimus, had thy master but known this art, thou mightest well have been changed into a bear like Callisto, rather than into a bull like Jupiter."

The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come. So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the window, and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh heartily thereat.

_Chap. ix._: CROOKED PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY

Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took occasion to say she had been told this calf could speak, but now she did plainly perceive 'twas not true. Whereto I made answer I had also heard apes could not speak, but now could plainly hear 'twas not so.

"What;" says my lord, "opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?"

So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become a calf; and yet am I that same."

Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be wont to cover."

"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is becoming."

So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady," quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann, and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine clothes he would make for the hussies."

So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula handsomer than these ladies;"

"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they shine as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to shine so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches. Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpass the colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go a-fishing."

With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by others so long as I would, and no longer.

_Chap. x._: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS

Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was the secretary; for when I called him a "title-forger" and asked what title, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he, "like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods: and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice."