Chapter XIV: Book II: Chap. i.: HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED (3)

In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a monstrous toad, full as big as a kettledrum, whose guts were dragged out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. "Lookye, Simplicissimus," says he, "I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from thee." But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awake from it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink 'twas all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more.

_Chap. xviii._: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS' CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW

Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow. With such folk I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I could practise this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest fool. But they that deny the witches' gallop to be true, let them but think of Simon the Magician, which was by the evil spirit raised aloft into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth. Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man, who in the Duchy of Lorraine caused to be burned a good many more than a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother (which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with her to their assembly, that he might play to them as they danced--for he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree, piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe because he marvelled so at it all). But at last, "God help us;" says he, "whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?" And hardly had he said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder, and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself.

When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little after Catherine Prévost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at the said dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an adulterer that took his paramour's ointment-boxes and smeared himself with the same, and so both came to the witches' Sabbath. So likewise they tell of a farm-servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, that waggon rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of Odin, which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia will fetch their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a great distance. And what Torquemada in his Hexameron relateth of his schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take him with her to the sorcerers' assembly. And when they feasted there, and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains gotten it, did cry, "God be praised, here cometh the salt!" Whereupon the lights went out and all vanished. So when now 'twas day he understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naples, and therefore full five hundred miles from his home. And therefore, though he was rich, must he beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but the maid's father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her mistress's shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which story, nevertheless, was hushed up.

All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me 'tis all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands of Fulda or Hirschfeld (for I know not myself whither I had wandered in the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a space of time.

_Chap. xix._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A FOOL BEFORE

So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader that I lay on my belly till 'twas at least broad daylight; as not having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o'clock when there came foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills, and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment, who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served. So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the witches' dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come back to the Emperor's army: who, knowing me again, said at once, "Hoho! 'tis the commandant's calf of Hanau."

Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes' regiment, and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me; for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel's wife sent to another colonel's wife that could play well upon the lute, and therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it: which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folk to believe I was of the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me whither I would go; and I answering 'twas all one to me, we agreed thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he know where my asses' ears had gone. "Yea," said I to myself, "an thou knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough." Yet was I clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly goods lay in them.

Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor's and the Elector's camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my hood, my sleeves, and my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured for me a lute of my own (for he trusted to have me ever with him), then I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet, discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and (which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counsellor and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my colonel, and was content to serve as a lackey, to wait until the dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him.

_Chap. xx._: IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT HANGS THEREBY

Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could he not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even in the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had conceived such a judgment from my face, for he was skilled in physiognomia. Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the dangers from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep sighing and slept soundly till day.

All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied himself to be somewhat. Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut, because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any one else should know this secret. Once on a time I went to take the air outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with me alone. So, as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed I was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear friend, 'tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able to speak with thee alone. I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest, and that thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised state. If now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to a man of honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy fortunes, so will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and deed to help thee out of this fool's coat."

So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had been a prophet to release me from my fool's cap: and sitting both down upon the ground, I told him my whole story. Then he examined my hands, and wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my fool's coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could see that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me danger of life and limb. So I thanked him for his good will and his counsel, and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith, and of himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and father.

So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its four-cornered thieves' bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from another. So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I should have said, and might well have said[15] "cooperer"), whose office 'twas to be judges and to see that none was cheated; they too lent the cloaks and tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their hire out of the winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet it bred them no advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or when it was best laid out, 'twas the sutler or the barber-surgeon that had it--for there were many broken heads to mend.

At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win, which was impossible, even if they had played at another's[16] risk: and though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the more skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that some hit and some missed, some won and some lost. Thereupon some cursed, some roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed--whereat the winners laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their clothes and all they valued most, and others again won even that money from them: some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part, would have false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others threw away, broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers' cloaks. Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a good spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were, as sharp as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished: others were High German, to which a man must in casting give the Bavarian swing. Some were of stag's-horn, light above and heavy below. Others were loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with split hairs, sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners, others had them pared quite away: some were long like logs and some broad like tortoises. All which kinds were made but for cheating: and what they were made for, that they did, whether they were thrown with a swing or trickled on to the board, and no coupling of them was of any avail; to say nothing of those that had two fives or two sixes or, on the other hand, two aces or two deuces. With these thieves' bones they stole, filched, and plundered each other's goods, which they themselves perchance had stolen, or at least with danger to life and limb, or other grievous trouble and labour, had won.

So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the gamesters in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. Then answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not: but for the rest, I leave it for what 'tis worth as a matter unknown to me, and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp, for here men seek one another's money and lose their own in doing so. And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already broken the tenth commandment, which saith, 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods.'" And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this plea help thee, that thou sayest, 'I did risk mine own and won honestly.' Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this intent, to grow rich through another's loss. And if thou lose, thou art not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same committeth himself to the danger of losing therein, not only his money, but his body and his life also; yea, what is most terrible of all, there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long." So I answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be so terrible and dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" My governor answered: "I will not say 'twas because our officers themselves take part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not--yea, cannot--do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose) so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play--yea, even if they must go home shirtless. Yet this gaming hath already been forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites--openly and violently. Yet 'twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other's money, quarrelled, and brake each others' necks thereupon: so that to prevent such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore now 'tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the tormenting devil's own device, and bringeth him no small gain, therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around in the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile pleasures. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, 'The devil never leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,' for he taketh from them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except God's infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net." Thereat I crossed myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men say, so soon as the hazard is thrown 'tis now in the devil's hands, so should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player's hand upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it shew as many points as his master's interest demanded. And further, I should reflect that 'twas not for nought that the devil entered into the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine gains out of it himself. "And with that note thou further," says he, "that just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain chafferers and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the souls in the gamesters that have ceased to play, be they winners or losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels, he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to their eternal ruin. Yea, I assure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own again. And in that I will describe first the loss of precious time, which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful curses with which men blaspheme God over their gaming-tables. Then will I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in, during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray in their true colours set before men's eyes the greed, the rage, the envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows' milk (which folk are wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with their curses." And this project I praised, and wished him the opportunity to carry it out.

_Chap. xxi._: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST

Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him, yet kept we our friendship very secret: 'tis true I acted still as a fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention pleased me hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could catch but little, therefore I counselled the colonel to couple the bitch with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg, which we then besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and encompassing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised every day an abundance, for 'twas my trade, and none ever found my workshop empty. And for this my master's secretary, which was an evil customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others, whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject.

So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is master _Dicis et non facis_, which is, being interpreted into German, a fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its best." So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had pulled down and set on fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague, that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures, malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they endeavoured to keep in with both God and the devil. And of war he told me that at times golden bullets were used, and the more precious such were, the more damage they did. "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with artillery, ammunition, and baggage-train can be so led by a golden chain." Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they were no enchantresses and no goddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure bigger horns on to their husbands' heads than ever Actaeon wore. In all which I believed him: so great a fool was I.

On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to know his son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army, and was a man of far different quality to my colonel's secretary: for which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this muster-clerk, whose name, like his father's, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy or sorrow; and because this was without his father's knowledge, therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my fool's coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however the old Herzbruder, whom I honoured and looked to as my father, approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee: for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel's secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected, that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior to the secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel's great favour and grace.

_Chap. xxii._: A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES

'Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers, and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also, yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more his envy of young Herzbruder increased--who was ever of a lively humour--the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost: whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel's lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening feast spread in wellnigh princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For when all was over my colonel's great silver-gilt cup was missing; and this loss he made the more ado about because 'twas still there after all stranger guests had departed: 'tis true a page said he had last seen it in Oliver's hands, but would not swear it. Upon that the Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter, and 'twas said aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom, even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would not willingly bring to shame.

So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into the colonel's great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the matter. At that each looked on his neighbour, and desired to know how 'twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man's breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that 'twas a right merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies that I must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang out of young Herzbruder's pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it turned into my colonel's cup.

Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup: so said the colonel to him: "Lookye, unthankful guest, have I deserved this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;" said he, "out of my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more."

So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to answer for this sinful son." Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any honourable fashion do so.

_Chap. xxiii._: HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS

Now as soon as young Herzbruder's captain heard this story he took from him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged easily from the circumstances that Oliver had laid this trap for his son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live, but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep. At last 'twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats that I had sewn up in my ass's ears, and so asked how much money they wanted in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, "If there came one and brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my troubles." I answered him, "Brother, if that will help thee, have a good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats." "Alas, brother," says he, "what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so wanton that thou makest jests upon us in our sore affliction?" "Nay, nay," said I, "I will provide the money." So I stripped off my coat and took one of the asses' ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him to count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, "Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it."

Thereupon they both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder's co-heir together with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all which I would have nothing, but only commended myself to their perpetual friendship. After that, young Herzbruder would have sworn to be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at the hands of me, Simplicissimus. "Yet," said he, "I am well assured that ye two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in fight." Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits.

But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers (for which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the meanwhile.

_Chap. xxiv._: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE

Now none of my colonel's people shewed himself better fitted to wait on old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the colonel's wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good nursing, and being relieved in respect of his son, he grew better from day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past. Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day.

My colonel's wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp, for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered; and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits, he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, for he feared I might find my destruction therein.

When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me, and also the orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day, most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay and prayed without ceasing: but as 'twas near to afternoon there came a lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the colonel's master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as soon as he saw mine old friend, "I ask his honour's pardon," says he, "for the freedom I have taken, to speak a word with him." "'Tis well," says Herzbruder, "wherein can I pleasure his honour?" "Only in this," says the lieutenant, "that I could beg of his honour that he would condescend upon the casting of my nativity." Then the old man answered: "I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full satisfaction." "Very well," says the lieutenant, "but in the meantime let your honour tell my fortune by my hand." "Sir," said old Herzbruder, "that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your worship to spare me in that matter: tomorrow I will do all that your worship asks of me." Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man's eyes, and says he, "Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life's end, with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a warning from God to order my life better; and so for God's sake I beg you not to conceal the truth." Then the honest old man answered him in a word, and says he, "'Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past." "What, thou old rogue," quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, "durst thou hold such language to a gentleman?" and drew his sword and stabbed my good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried "Murder," so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the Elector of Saxony with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to Count Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: "'Twould be bad discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not safe from murderers."

That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life: for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck till he was dead.

_Chap. xxv._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE

From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken of. And to the question, whether 'tis necessy, or helpful, and good for a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of them I hold that they be ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help Wallenstein, the Duke of Friedland, that 'twas prophesied to him he should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not all the world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry their brains over such questions: but I must to my story.

So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I took a disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I had been wont to call a town of flax and straw with earthen walls. For now I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool me more, but to be rid of my jester's garb should it cost me life and limb. And that design I carried out but scurvily, for otherwise I had no opportunity.

For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder's death was appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the servants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village, wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers' purpose, and as each went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I stole away, and searched to find some old peasant's clothing for which I could exchange my fool's cap: yet I found not what I desired but must be content with a woman's clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone, and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked across the street, where were certain officers' wives, and made such mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter: yet was I hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and taught me to run faster: for when they cried "Halt, halt;" I ran the quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers' ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by our people.