Chapter XXIV: Book V (1)

_Chap. i._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TURNED PALMER AND WENT ON A PILGRIMAGE WITH HERZBRUDER

Now Herzbruder being wholly restored and healed of his wounds, he told me in secret he had in his greatest need made a vow to go on a pilgrimage to Einsiedeln. And since in any case he was now so near to Switzerland, he would perform the same though he must beg his way thither. This was pleasant hearing for me: so I offered him my money and my company, yea, and would buy a couple of nags to do the journey upon, not indeed for the reason that religion urged me thereto, but rather to see the Confederates' country as the one land wherein sacred peace yet flourished. So I rejoiced much to have the opportunity to serve Herzbruder on such a journey, seeing that I loved him almost more than myself. Yet he refused both my help and my company with the excuse that his pilgrimage must be performed on foot and with peas in his shoes: and should I be in his company not only should I hinder him in his pious thoughts, but should also bring on myself great discomfort by reason of his slow going. All which he said to be rid of me, because he did scruple on so holy a journey to spend money that had been gained by robbery and murder: besides, he would not put me to too great expense, and said openly that I had already done more for him than I owed him or he could hope to repay: upon which we fell into a friendly dispute, which same was so pleasant a quarrel that I have never heard the like, for we talked of nothing but this, that each one said he had not yet done for his fellow so much as one friend should for another, nay, was yet far from making up for the benefits he had received. Yet all this would not move him to take me for a companion, till I perceived that he had a disgust both at Oliver's money and mine own godless life: therefore I made shift with a lie and persuaded him that my intent to reform my life did move me to go to Einsiedeln: and should he hinder me from so good a work, and I thereupon should die, he should hardly answer for it: by which I persuaded him to suffer me to visit that holy place with him, especially since I (though 'twas all lies) made an appearance of great penitence for my wicked life, and moreover did persuade him I had laid on myself a penance to go to Einsiedeln on peas even as he. But this quarrel was scarce over ere we fell into another, for Herzbruder was too full of scruples: and hardly would he suffer me to use the commandant's pass, because 'twas made out for me to go to my regiment.

"How now!" said he, "is it not our intent to better our lives and to go to Einsiedeln? And now see, in heaven's name wilt thou make a beginning with deceit and blind men's eyes with falsehood? 'He that denieth Me before the world him will I deny before My heavenly Father,' saith Christ. What faint-hearted cowards be we! If all Christ's martyrs and confessors had done the same there would be few saints in heaven. Let us go in God's name and under His protection whither our holy intent and desires lead us, and let God contrive for us the rest: for so will He bring us in safety where our souls shall find peace." But when I set before him how man should not tempt God, but suit himself to the times, and use such means as could not be done without, and specially because to go on pilgrimage was an unwonted thing for the Soldatesca, so that if we revealed our purpose we should be accounted rather deserters than pilgrims, which might bring us great trouble and danger: and chiefly how the holy apostle St. Paul, to whom we could not compare ourselves, had wonderfully suited himself to the times and needs of this world, at the last he consented that I should get a pass to go to my regiment. With this we passed out of the town at the shutting of the gates, with a trusty guide, as we would go to Rotweil; but turned off short by a by-way and came the same night over the Switzers' boundary and next morning to a village, where we equipped ourselves with long black cloaks, pilgrims' staves, and rosaries, and sent our guide home with a good wage.

And here in comparison with other German lands the country seemed to me as strange as if I had been in Brazil or China. I saw how the people did trade and traffic in peace, how the stalls were full of cattle and the farmyards crowded with fowls, geese, and ducks, the roads were used in safety by travellers, and the inns were full of people making merry. There was no fear of an enemy, no dread of plundering, and no terror of losing goods and life and limb; each man lived under his own vine and fig-tree, and that moreover (in comparison with other German lands) in joy and delight, so that I held this land for an earthly Paradise, though by nature it seemed rough as might be. So it came about that all along the road I did but gape at this and that, whereas Herzbruder was praying on his rosary, for which I earned many a reproof from him; for he would have it I should pray without ceasing, to which I could not accustom myself.

But at Zurich he found me out and told me the truth as tartly as might be. For having rested the night at Schaffhausen, where the peas did mightily gall my feet, and I fearing to walk upon them next day, I had them boiled and put into my shoes again, and so came happily to Zurich, while he found himself in sorry plight, and said to me, "Brother, thou hast great favour of God, that notwithstanding the peas in thy shoes thou canst walk so well." "Yea," said I, "dear Herzbruder: but I did boil them, or I had not been able so far to walk upon them."

"God-a-mercy!" says he, "what hast done? Thou hadst better have put them out of thy shoes if thou didst but act a mockery with them. I fear me lest God punish thee and me alike. Take it not evil of me, brother, if I of brotherly love do tell thee in plain German what I have at heart, namely this, that I fear, unless thou dealest otherwise with God, thine eternal salvation standeth in jeopardy: I do assure thee, I love no man more than thee, yet I deny not that if thou betterest not thyself I must scruple to bear such love to thee further." At which I was struck so dumb with fear that I could not at all recover myself, but freely confessed to him I had put the peas in my shoes not for piety but to please him, that he might take me with him on his journey. "Ah, brother," quoth he, "I see thou art far from the way of salvation, peas or no peas: God give thee a better mind; for without such cannot our friendship endure."

From that time forward I followed him sorrowfully as one going to the gallows; for my conscience began to smite me; and as I reflected on all manner of things, all the tricks I had played in my life did pass before mine eyes: and first I lamented that my lost innocence, that I had brought out from the forest and in the world had in so many ways forfeited; and what increased my trouble was this, that Herzbruder spake now but little with me, and looked not upon me save with sighs, so that it seemed to me as he were certain of my damnation and lamented it.

_Chap. ii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS, BEING TERRIFIED OF THE DEVIL, WAS CONVERTED

In such fashion we came even to Einsiedeln, and so into the church even as the priest was casting out an evil spirit: which was to me a new and strange sight, wherefore I left Herzbruder to kneel and pray as much as he listed and went off from curiosity to see such a spectacle. But hardly had I drawn nigh when the evil spirit cried out of the poor man, "Oho! rascal, doth ill-luck send thee hither? I did think to find thee with Oliver in our hellish abode when I should return, and now I see thou art to be found here. Thou adulterous, murderous whoremonger, canst thou think to escape us? O ye priests, have naught to do with him: he is a worse hypocrite and liar than I: he doth but mock and make a jest of God and religion." Thereupon the exorcist commanded the spirit to be silent, for none would believe him as being an arch-liar.

"Yes, yes," he answered, "ask this runagate monk's companion and he can well tell you that this atheist is not afraid to boil the peas upon which he vowed to travel hither." Upon which I knew not whether I stood on my head or my heels, hearing all this and all men staring upon me: but the priest rebuked the spirit and bade him be silent: yet would not that day cast him out. In the meanwhile came Herzbruder, even as I looked for very terror more like a dead than a live man, and between hope and fear knew not what to be at. So he comforted me as best he could, assuring the bystanders, and especially the good fathers, that in my life I had never been a monk, but certainly a soldier that perhaps might have done more evil than good: and added, the devil was a liar and had made the story of the peas much worse than it really was. Yet was I so confounded in spirit that 'twas with me even as if I already felt the pains of hell, so that the priests had much ado to comfort me: yea, they bade me go to confession and communion, but the spirit cried again out of the man possessed, "Yes, yes: he will make a fine confession, that knoweth not even what confession is: and indeed what would ye have of him? for he is of a heretic mind and belongeth to us: yea, his parents were more of Anabaptists than Calvinists...." But at that the exorcist again commanded the spirit to hold his peace and said to him, "So will it grieve thee the more if this poor lost sheep be snatched out of thy jaws and gathered into the fold of Christ": at which the spirit began to roar so fearfully that 'twas terrible to hear: yet in that grisly song I found my greatest comfort; for I thought if I could not again enjoy God's favour the devil would not take it so ill.

Now although I was then in no wise prepared for confession, and though in my lifetime it had never come into my thoughts, but I had always for mere shame feared it as the devil fears holy water, yet at that moment I felt in me such repentance for my sins and such a desire to do penance and to lead a better life that forthwith I asked for a confessor; at which sudden conversion and amendment of life Herzbruder rejoiced greatly; for he had perceived and well knew that so far I had belonged to no religion. Thereafter I openly professed myself of the Catholic Church, went to confession and to mass after absolution received, with all which I felt so light and easy at my heart that 'tis not to be expressed: and what is most marvellous is this, that the devil in the possessed man henceforward left me in peace, whereas before my confession and absolution he cast up against me certain knaveries I had committed, with such particularities as he had been ordained for naught else but to point out my sins: yet the hearers believed him not, as being a liar, especially since my honourable pilgrim's dress shewed me in another light.

In this gracious place we abode fourteen days, and there I thanked God for my conversion, and marked the miracles that were there done: all which did incite me to some shew of piety and godliness. Yet did the same last but as long as it might: for even as my conversion took its beginning, not from love of God but from dread and fear of damnation, so did I by degrees become lukewarm and slothful, because I little by little forgot the terror that the Evil One had struck into me. So when we had sufficiently viewed the relics of the saints, the vestments, and other remarkable things of the abbey, we betook ourselves to Baden, there to spend the winter.

_Chap. iii._: HOW THE TWO FRIENDS SPENT THE WINTER

There did I hire a cheerful parlour and a chamber for us, such as the visitors to the baths do commonly use to have, especially in summer: which be mostly rich Switzers that do resort here more to pass the time and make a show than to take baths for any disease. So also I bargained for our food, and Herzbruder, seeing how princely I began, counselled me frugality, and reminded me of the long hard winter that we had yet to pass, for he dreamt not that my money would hold out so long; and I should need all I had, he said, for the spring when we should depart: for much money was soon spent if one ever took from it and never added to it: 'twas blown away like smoke and was certain never to return, etc. At such loyal counsel I could no longer conceal from Herzbruder how rich my treasury was, and how I was minded to spend it for the good of both of us, since its extraction and growth were so unholy that I could not think to buy lands with it; and even if I were not minded to spend it so as to maintain so my best friend on earth, yet it were but right that he, Herzbruder, should enjoy Oliver's money in revenge for the insult he had before received from him before Magdeburg. And when I knew myself to be in all safety, I drew off my two shoulder-bags, divided the ducats and pistoles, and said to Herzbruder he might dispose of this money at will, and spend and disburse it as he would, so that it might best profit us both.

When he saw, besides the greatness of my faith in him, how much the money was, with which I, without him, could have been a pretty rich man, "Brother," says he, "since I have known thee thou hast done naught but shew thy constant love and truth to meward. But tell me, how thinkest thou that I can ever repay thee? I speak not of the money, for this perchance might in time be repaid, but of thy love and faith, and especially of the exceeding trust thou hast in me, which is not to be estimated. In a word, brother, thy noble soul doth make me thy slave, and the favour thou shewest me is more easy to admire than to repay. O honest Simplicissimus, into whose mind it never entereth (even in these godless days in which the world is full of knavery) to think how poor, needy Herzbruder might with this fair stock of money make off and in his place leave thee in want! Of a surety, brother, this proof of true friendship bindeth me more to thee than if a rich lord should give me thousands. Only I beg thee, my brother, remain master guardian and steward of thine own money. For me 'tis enough that thou art my friend."

To this I answered, "What strange discourses be these, my honoured Herzbruder? Ye give me to understand ye are much bounden to me, and yet will ye not see to it that I spend not my money vainly and to your damage and mine!" And so we disputed with one another childishly enough, because each was drunken with love of the other: thus was Herzbruder made at once my steward, my treasurer, my servant, and my master: and in our time of leisure he told me of his life and by what means he was known and promoted by Count Götz, whereupon I told him how I had fared since his father (of pious memory) died: for until then we had never had so much time. But when he heard I had a young wife in Lippstadt, he did reprove me that I had not repaired to her rather than with him to Switzerland, for that had been more fitting, and was my duty moreover: and when I would excuse myself, that I could not find it in my heart to leave him, my best friend, in misery, he persuaded me to write to my wife and tell her of my condition, with the promise to visit her as soon as might be: to that I did add excuses for my long absence, namely, all manner of contrarious happenings, though greatly I had desired to be with her long ere now.

Meanwhile Herzbruder, learning from the public prints that it stood well with General Count Götz, and that in particular he would succeed in his vindication before his Imperial Majesty, would be set free, and even again receive command of an army, sent an account of how he stood to that general at Vienna, and wrote also to the Bavarian army on the score of his baggage that he had there: yea, and began to hope his fortunes would again flourish. Upon which we concluded to part in the spring, he going to the said count, and I to my wife at Lippstadt: yet not to pass the winter in idleness we did learn from an engineer to make more fortifications on paper than the kings of France and Spain together could build: so too I made acquaintance with certain alchymists that, because they saw I had money at my back, would teach me to make gold, an I would but bear the expense of it: yea, and I do believe they had persuaded me thereto had not Herzbruder given them their congé, saying that he that possessed such an art would not need to go about like a beggar, nor to ask others for money.

But though Herzbruder did receive from Vienna a gracious answer from the said count and fine promises, I heard no single word from Lippstadt, though on several post-days I did write in duplicate. Which put me in ill humour and was the cause that that spring I went not to Westphalia, but obtained from Herzbruder that he should take me with him to Vienna and let me share in his hoped-for good fortune. So with my money we equipped ourselves like two cavaliers, both in clothing, horses, servants, and arms, and travelled by Constance to Ulm, where we embarked upon the Danube, and from thence in eight days came safely to Vienna.

_Chap. iv._: IN WHAT MANNER SIMPLICISSIMUS AND HERZBRUDER WENT TO THE WARS AGAIN AND RETURNED THENCE

Things be strangely ordered in this changeful world; 'Tis said he that should know all things would soon be rich: but I say he that always could seize his opportunity would soon be great and powerful. For many a skinflint or cheese-parer (both which honourable titles are given to misers) gets rich enough by knowing and using some knack of gain: yet is he not therefore great, but is and remaineth always of less estimation than when he was poor: but he that can make himself great and powerful, him riches follow after close. So did luck, that is wont to give power and riches, look on me favourably for once, and gave me when I had been some eight days in Vienna opportunity in hand to mount upon the rungs of fame without hindrance: yet I did it not. And why? I hold 'twas because my fate had willed for me another road, namely, that along which my foolishness did lead me.

For the Count von der Wahl, under whose command I had before made myself famous in Westphalia, was even then in Vienna when I came thither with Herzbruder: which last was at a banquet when divers Imperialist councillors of war were present with the Count of Götz and others, where the talk was of all manner of strange fellows, soldiers of different qualities, and famous partisans: and there was mention made of the huntsman of Soest, and such famous exploits of him told that some wondered at the youth of the fellow and lamented that the crafty Hessian colonel Saint André had hung a weight round his neck so that he must either lay aside the sword or serve under Swedish colours: for the said Count von der Wahl had found out all the trick which the same colonel had played me at Lippstadt. Herzbruder, that was there present and would fain have forwarded my interest, asked for indulgence and leave to speak, and said he knew that huntsman of Soest better than any man in the world, which was not only a good soldier that feared not the smell of powder, but also a good rider, a perfected fencer, an excellent professor of musquetry and artillery, and besides all this one that would yield place to no engineer in the world: that he had left not only his wife (that had been so shamefully imposed upon him), but all that he had at Lippstadt, and again sought the emperor's service, and so had in the last campaign served under the Count of Götz, and being then taken by the troops of Weimar and desiring to return to the Imperialists, had with his comrade slain a corporal and six musqueteers that had pursued them and would bring them back, and had earned rich booty thereby, and so had come with him to Vienna with intent to offer his service once more against his Imperial Majesty's enemies, provided only he could have such terms as suited him: for as a common soldier he would serve no more.

By this time the worshipful company were so flustered with good liquor that they must satisfy their curiosity to see the huntsman: to which end Herzbruder was sent to fetch me in a coach: who on the way instructed me how I should carry myself among these persons of quality, since my fortune in time to come depended on this. So when I came to them, at first I answered all questions very short and sententiously, so that they began to admire me as one who said nothing that had not a prudent meaning: in a word, I so presented myself that I pleased all, besides this, that I had from Count von Wahl the reputation of a good soldier. But with all this I got drunk, and well can I believe that in that condition I proved to all how little I had been at court. And this was the end of it all: that a colonel of foot promised me a company in his regiment, which I refused not: for I thought, "To be a captain is indeed no trifle." Yet Herzbruder next day rebuked me for my folly, and said, had I but held out longer I had risen to high rank.

So was I presented to a company as their captain, which company, although with me 'twas in respect of officers fully staffed, yet counted no more than seven privates that could stand sentry. Besides, my under-officers were such old cripples that I must needs scratch my head when I looked upon them. And so it came about that in the next engagement, which happened not long after, I was with them miserably beaten: in which affair Count von Götz lost his life and Herzbruder his testicles, which were shot away: and I had my share in the leg though 'twas but a trifling wound. Whereupon we betook ourselves to Vienna, there to be cured, and also because we had there left all our property. But besides these wounds, which were soon healed, there appeared in Herzbruder other evil symptoms which the doctors could not at first recognise, for he was paralysed in all his extremities like a choleric person whom his gall doth plague, to which complexion he was no more given than to anger. Nevertheless he was counselled to take the waters, and to that end the Griesbach in the Black Forest was commended to him. And so doth fortune suddenly change. For Herzbruder just before had been minded to marry a young lady of quality, and to that end to get him made a Freiherr and me a nobleman: but now must he make other plans; for having lost that by which he had meant to propagate his family, and being, moreover, threatened with a tedious sickness ensuing upon that loss, in which he would have need of good friends, he made his will, and appointed me heir of all his property, the more so because he saw how for his sake I cast my fortune to the winds and gave up my command, that I might bear him company to the Spa and there wait on him till he should recover his health.

_Chap. v._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RODE COURIER AND IN THE LIKENESS OF MERCURY LEARNED FROM JOVE WHAT HIS DESIGN WAS AS REGARDS WAR AND PEACE

So as soon as Herzbruder could ride we despatched our money (for now we had but one purse in common) by way of banker's draft to Basel, equipped ourselves with horses and servants, and made our way up the Danube to Ulm and thence to the Spa before mentioned, for now 'twas May and pleasant travelling. There did we hire a lodging: but I rid to Strassburg, not only to receive in part our money which we had conveyed thither by way of Basel, but also to inquire for the medicos of experience that should prescribe for Herzbruder recipes and the manner of his taking the baths. These came to me, and were of opinion that Herzbruder had indeed been poisoned, yet was the poison not strong enough to kill him offhand, and therefore it had made its way into his limbs, from whence it must be evacuated by drugs, antidotes and sweating-baths, which cure would last some eight weeks or so. At that Herzbruder remembered at once when and by whom that poison had been given him; namely, by them that would have had his place in the army: and when he further learned from the physicians that his cure needed no spa, then was he assured the field-surgeon had by his enemies been bribed to send him so far away: yet did he resolve to complete his cure there at the spa, for 'twas not only a healthy air but also there was cheerful company among the bathing-guests.

This time would I not waste: for I had a desire to see my wife once more: and since Herzbruder needed me not greatly, I did open to him my project, which he did praise, and advised me I should visit her, giving me also certain trinkets of price which I should on his behalf present to her, and therewith beg her pardon for that he had been the cause why I had not before sought her out. With that I rode to Strassburg, and not only provided myself with moneys but inquired also how I might prosecute my journey in the safest way: whereupon I found 'twas not to be accomplished by a horseman riding alone; for the roads were made unsafe by the parties sent out from so many garrisons of the two contending armies. So I got me a pass for a post-rider of Strassburg, and drew up certain letters to my wife, her sisters, and her parents, as I would send him with them to Lippstadt: yet feigned to be of a different mind, took back the pass from the messenger, sent back my horse and servant, and disguised myself in a red and white livery: in that I journeyed by ship to Cologne, which was at that time neutral between the two parties.

And first I must go to visit my Jupiter, that had aforetime appointed me his Ganymede, to ask how it fared with the property I had left there: but him I found quite brain-sick again and full of anger against the human race. "O Mercury," says he, as soon as he saw me, "what news from Münster? Do men conceive they can make peace without my good will? Nay, never! they did have peace. Why kept they it not? Was not vice everywhere triumphant when they provoked me to send them war? And how have they deserved that I should give them peace again? Have they since been converted? Are they not become worse, and do they not run into war as to a festival? Or have they perchance repented them by reason of the famine that I sent among them, whereof so many thousands died of hunger? Or hath the grievous pestilence terrified them to better their ways, whereby so many millions were cut off? Nay, nay, Mercurius, they that remain, that did see these dreadful sufferings with their own eyes, have not only not repented, but be grown worse than ever they were. And if they have not been turned by so many sore plagues, nor have ceased to live in godless wise in the midst of such trial and tribulation, what will they do if I should grant them again the delights of golden peace? Then must I fear lest, as once did the giants, so they now should try to storm my heaven. But such overweening I will check in good time and leave them to perish in their war." But I knowing how one must go about with this god if one would make him hear reason, "Oh, great god," says I, "all the world doth sigh for peace and promise great amendment: why wilt thou then continue to refuse them such?" "Yea," answered Jupiter, "doubtless they sigh: yet not for my sake but their own: not that each may praise God under his own vine and fig-tree, but that they may enjoy the fruit thereof in peace and delight. Of late I asked of a scurvy tailor, should I give him peace? He gave me answer, 'twas the same to him, that must ply his needle as well in peace as in war: and the like answer I got from a brazier, which said if he could get no bells to found in peace time, yet in time of war he had enough to do with cannon and mortars. So likewise, a smith replied to me and said, 'Though I have no ploughs and hay-carts to mend in war-time, yet have I so many war-horses and army waggons to deal with that I can well afford to do without peace.' Lookye then, dear Mercurius, why should I grant them peace? True there be some that do desire it, yet only as I say, for their belly's sake and their pleasure: contrariwise there be others that will still have war, not because 'tis my will, but because 'tis for their profit. And just as the masons and carpenters desire peace, to earn money by the building again of ruined houses, so others that be not sure of earning a living by their handicraft in time of peace do hope for the continuing of war, wherein they can steal."

Now when I found my Jupiter so to go about with these matters, I could well conceive that he, with so confused a mind, could give me little account of mine own, and so I made not my business known to him, but took the bull by the horns, and away by by-paths well known to me, to Lippstadt, where I inquired for my father-in-law as I were a messenger from foreign parts, and learned at once that he, with his wife, had quitted this world six months before, and secondly, that my dear wife, having been delivered of a man-child, that was now with her sister, had in like manner straightway, after her lying-in, quitted this mortal scene. Upon that I delivered to my brother-in-law the writings which I had before addressed to my father-in-law, to my wife, and to him, my wife's brother. Who would have entertained me himself, to learn from me, as from a messenger, how it fared with Simplicissimus and of what rank he was now. In the end mine own sister-in-law did at length converse with me, I telling of myself all the good I knew; for my pock-pitted face had so marred and changed me that no man could know me more, save Herr von Schönstein: and he, as my true friend, did hold his tongue. But I telling her at length how Herr Simplicissimus had many fine horses and servants and rode abroad in a black-velvet coat all trimmed with gold, "Yea," said she, "I did ever believe he was of no such low descent as he gave himself out to be: the commandant of this place did ever persuade my late parents, with great assurances, that they had made a good match with him for my sister, which had ever been a virtuous maiden: yet of all that I myself could never look for a good ending. Nevertheless did he content himself and resolve to take upon him either Swedish or Hessian service in the garrison here: and to that end would he fetch hither his goods that he had left at Cologne: which turned out ill, and he himself was by clean roguery spirited away into France, leaving my sister, that had had him to husband but for four weeks, yea, and a half-dozen of citizens' daughters likewise, with child by him; all which one after another, and my sister last of all, were brought to bed of boys. So since my father and mother were dead, and I and my husband without hope of children, we did adopt my sister's child to be the heir of all our property, and with the help of the commandant here did get possession of his father's money at Cologne; which same might be reckoned at three thousand gulden; and so the young lad when he shall come of age shall have no cause to count himself among the paupers. Yea, I and my husband do love the child so much that we would not yield him up to his own father though he came in person to fetch him away: moreover, he is the comeliest of all his half-brothers, and so like to his father as he had been cut out on his very pattern: and I know if my brother-in-law did but hear what a fair son he hath he would not delay to come hither were it but to see the little sweetheart."

The like talk my sister-in-law held, by which I might well perceive her love to my child, which now ran about in his first breeches, and rejoiced mine heart: and with that I brought out the trinkets that Herzbruder had given me to present on his behalf to my wife: which, said I, Master Simplicissimus had given me to deliver to his wife for a salutation: who being dead, I accounted it fair to leave the same for his child: all which my brother-in-law and his wife received with joy, and were convinced thereby that I had no want of means, but must indeed be a fellow of a different sort from that which they had fancied me to be. So now I pressed for leave to be gone, and having obtained such, I begged in the name of Simplicissimus to kiss Simplicissimus the younger, that I might tell the same to his father for a token. And this being done with the goodwill of my sister-in-law, my nose and the child's began at once and together to bleed, till I thought my heart would break: yet did I hide my feelings, and that none might have time to mark the cause of this sympathy, I took myself off at once, and after fourteen days of much trouble and danger came again to the spa in beggar's garb: for on the way I had been plundered and stripped.

_Chap. vi._: A STORY OF A TRICK THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS PLAYED AT THE SPA

So being returned, I found Herzbruder rather worse than better, though the doctors and apothecaries had plucked him cleaner than any pigeon: nay, more: he seemed to me now to be childish, nor could he walk straight. I did hearten him up as best I could, but his was an ill plight; himself perceiving well by his loss of strength that he could not last long; and his chief comfort was this, that I should be by his side when he should close his eyes. Contrariwise I was merry, and sought my pleasure where I thought to find it: though in such wise that Herzbruder lacked none of my care. Yet because I knew myself now for a widower, the fine weather and my young blood enticed me to wantonness, whereunto I did fully give myself over; for the fear that had possessed me at Einsiedeln I had now quite forgot. Now there was at the spa a fair lady[36] that gave herself out to be a person of quality, yet was to my thinking more "mobilis" than "nobilis": to this man-trap did I pay my constant court as to one that seemed a bona roba, and in brief space of time did obtain not only free entry to her but also all such favours as I could desire. Yet had I from the first a disgust at her lightness, and so did devise how I might in all courtesy be rid of her: for methought she had her eye more on my purse than on me for a bridegroom: yea, and did persecute me with hot and wanton glances and the like tokens of her burning love wheresoever I might be, till I must be shamed both for her sake and mine own.

At that time there was at the baths a rich Switzer of quality: from whom was stolen not only his money, but his wife's jewellery, which was of gold, silver, pearls, and precious stones. And since 'tis as grievous to lose such things as 'tis hard to get them, therefore the said Switzer would move heaven and earth to come by them again, and did even send for the famous devil-driver of the Goatskin,[37] which did so plague the thief by his charms that he must needs restore the stolen goods to their proper place: for which the wizard earned ten rix-dollars.

With this enchanter I had fain conversed: but, as I then conceived, it could not be, without lessening of my dignity (for at that time I thought no small beer of myself). So I did engage my servant to be drunk with him that same night (having learned he was a toper of the first quality) to see if by such means I could have his acquaintance: for so many strange things were told to me of him that I could not believe till I had heard them from himself. To that end did I disguise myself as a strolling quack, and sat down by him at table to see if he could guess or the devil could tell him who I was: yet could I mark no such knowledge in him, but he would drink and drink, taking me for that which my raiment proclaimed me, yea, and drank some few glasses to my health, yet shewed more respect to my knave than to me. For to him he told in all confidence that if he that had robbed the Switzer had thrown but the smallest part thereof into running water and so shared the booty with the devil, it had been impossible either to name the thief or to get back the goods.

To all these silly conceits I listened, and wondered how the father of deceits and lies can by so small a thing bring men into his clutches. I could easily conceive that this was a clause in our enchanter's indenture with the devil, and perceive how such a trick could not help the thief if only another exorcist were fetched in to detect the theft, in whose compact this condition was not to be found: and so charged my knave, that could steal better than any gipsy, to make the man drunk and then steal his ten rix-dollars, and presently thereafter to cast a couple of batzen into the river Rench. This he did with all diligence, and when the witch-doctor next morning missed his money, he betook himself to a thicket by the bank of the Rench, doubtless to confer with his familiar spirit: by whom he was so ill-handled that he came off with a face all bruised and scratched; whereat I felt such pity for the poor old rogue that I gave him back his money and sent him a message that, since he now could see what a traitorous, evil spirit the devil was, he might renounce his service and company, and turn to God again: which warning brought me but little profit, for presently my two fair horses sickened and died by witchcraft; and what else could I expect? for I lived like Epicurus in his stye and never did commend my goods to God's care: why, therefore, should the wizard not be able to revenge himself on me?

_Chap. vii._: HOW HERZBRUDER DIED AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS AGAIN FELL TO WANTON COURSES

With the spa I was the more pleased the longer I stayed, for not only did the guests increase daily, but the place and the manner of life also delighted me hugely. I joined acquaintance with the merriest that resorted thither and did begin to learn courtesy and compliment, wherewith I had till then troubled myself but little: and so was counted as of the nobility, my people calling me ever "noble captain"; for no mere soldier of fortune did ever gain so high a post at that age at which I still was. So with these rich fops I made, and they with me, not acquaintance only but sworn friendship; and pastime, play, eating, and drinking were all my work and care, which robbed me of many a fair ducat without my much perceiving or marking of it: for my purse was yet fairly heavy with Oliver's legacy.

Meanwhile things went from bad to worse with Herzbruder, till at last he must pay the debt of nature, all doctors and physicians now deserting him on whom they had fattened so long. So he confirmed once more his last will and testament and made me heir of all he had to receive from his late father's property. And in return I gave him a noble funeral and sent his servants on their way with mourning and money withal.

Yet his disease heartily vexed me, and especially because he had been poisoned: and though I could not change that, yet it changed me: for now I eschewed all company and sought only for solitude to give a hearing to my sad thoughts: to which end I would hide myself in some thicket and there would muse, not only upon what a friend I had lost, but also how I should never in my life find such another one. At times I would lay all manner of plans for my future life and yet could resolve on none: now I thought I would to the wars again: and then bethought me how even the poorest peasant in this land was better off than any colonel: for into those mountains came never a foraging party. Yea, I could well fancy what an army would find to do there in ravaging of the country, seeing that all the farmhouses were well kept, as if in peace-time, and all the stalls full of cattle, while in many a village of Germany in the plains neither dog nor cat could be found. So as I delighted myself with hearing of the sweet song of birds, and did fancifully conceive how the nightingale should by her dulcet song silence all other birds and force them to listen either from shame or to steal somewhat of her pleasant strains, there came to the opposite bank of the stream a beauty, that did move me more, because she wore but the habit of a peasant girl, than could any fine demoiselle have done; which took a basket from her head wherein she had a pack of fresh butter, to sell at the spa: this did she cool in the water that it might not melt by reason of the great heat, and meanwhile, sitting down upon the grass, did throw aside her kerchief and her peasant hat and wipe the sweat from her face, so that I could exactly observe her and feed my curious eyes upon her: and truly methought I had never seen a fairer form in my life: for the mould of her figure seemed perfect and without blemish, her arms and hands white as snow, her face fresh and sweet, but her black eyes full of fire and amorous looks. So as she was packing of her butter up again I cried across to her, "Ah, maiden, 'tis true ye have cooled your butter in the water with your fair hands, yet with your bright eyes have ye set my heart afire." But she no sooner saw and heard me but away she ran as if she were pursued, without answering me a word, and so left me possessed with all the follies wherewith fantastic lovers are wont to be tormented.

But my desire to be further illumined by this sun left me not in peace in the solitude I had chosen, but caused me to care no more for the song of the nightingale than for the howl of a wolf: therefore I made my way to the spa, and did send my page in front to accost the pretty butter-seller and to bargain with her till I should come: so he did his best, and I, when I came, did mine also: but found a heart of stone, and such coldness as I had never thought to find in any peasant-girl, which made me yet more in love, especially since I, that had been much a scholar in such schools, might well judge by such a carriage she would not easily be befooled.

And now should I have had either a great enemy or a great friend: either an enemy to think of and devise evil against, and so to forget my fool's love, or a friend that should give me other counsel and warn me from the folly I proposed. But alas! I had naught but my money, which did but dazzle me, and my blind desires which led me astray, I giving them the rein, and mine own impudence, that ruined me and brought me to disaster. Fool that I was, I should have judged by our clothes, as by an evil omen, that her love would work me woe. For I having lost Herzbruder and the girl her parents, we were both dressed in mourning clothes when we first met: and so what joy could our love portend? In a word, I was properly caught in a fool's snare, and therefore as blind and without reason as the boy Cupid himself: and because I had no hope otherwise to satisfy my bestial desires, I did determine to marry her.

"For how!" thought I, "thou beest by descent but a peasant's brat and wilt never in thy life keep thy castle: and this fair champaign is a noble land, that throughout this grisly war hath, in comparison with other parts, maintained itself in peace and prosperity: besides, thou hast gold enough to buy thee even the best farm in this countryside: and now shalt thou marry with this honest peasant-girl and get thee a lord's reputation among the country-folk. And where couldst find a cheerfuller dwelling-place than near the spa, where thou canst, by reason of the coming and going of the guests, see a new world every six weeks, and so conceive how the great world doth change from one age to another?"

Such and a thousand like plans I made, till at length I sought my sweetheart in marriage and (yet not without pains) did obtain her consent.

_Chap. viii._: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND HIS SECOND MARRIAGE TURN OUT, AND HOW HE MET WITH HIS DAD AND LEARNED WHO HIS PARENTS HAD BEEN

So I made fine preparation for the wedding: for all seemed rose-colour to me. Not only did I buy up the whole farm whereon my bride had been born, but began also a fine new building besides, as if I would rather keep court than keep house: and before the wedding was over I had already more than thirty head of cattle on the farm; for so many could it maintain all the year round: in a word, I had the best of everything and such fine household plenishing as only folly like mine could devise. But soon I must whistle to a different tune, for I found my bride too knowing; and now, all too late, was I ware of the cause why she had been so loath to take me: and what vexed me most was that I could tell to no man my silly plight. I knew well enough that 'twas reasonable I must pay the piper; yet the knowledge made me not more patient, still less better in life; nay, rather I thought to betray the traitress, and so began to go a-grazing where I could find pasture: which kept me rather in good company at the spa than at home, and for a year at least I left my housekeeping to take care of itself. And for her part my wife was as slovenly as I: an ox that I had had slaughtered for household use she salted in baskets like pork, and when she was to prepare a sucking-pig for me she tried to pluck it like a fowl: yea, she would cook crayfish with a roasting-jack and trout on a spit: from which examples a man may judge what manner of housewife I found her: and withal she would drink freely of the good wine and share it with her good friends: and that was a sign of my coming disasters.

Now it fell out that as I was walking down the valley with some fops of the spa to visit a company at the lower baths, there met us an old peasant with a goat on a string, that he wished to sell, and because methought I had seen him before, I asked whence he came with his goat. At which he doffed his cap and "Your worship," says he, "that I may not tell you." "How," said I, "surely thou hast not stolen the beast?" "Nay," answered the peasant, "but I bring him from a village there in the valley, the which I may not mention to your worship in the presence of a goat"[38] which caused my company to laugh, and because I changed colour they deemed I was vexed or ashamed that the peasant did answer me so neatly. Yet my thoughts were otherwise, for by the great wart that this peasant had, like an unicorn, in the middle of his forehead, I was assured 'twas my dad from the Spessart, and so would first play the conjurer before I would make myself known and delight him with so fine a son as my clothes shewed me to be. So I said to him, "Good father, is not your home in the Spessart?" "Yes, your worship," says he. "Then," said I, "did ye not some eighteen year agone have your house and farm plundered and burnt by the troopers?" "Yea, God-a-mercy," quoth the peasant, "yet 'tis not so long ago": but I asked him further, "Did ye not, then, have two children, a grown daughter and a young lad that kept your sheep?" "Nay, your worship," says my dad, "the daughter was my child but not the boy: yet would I bring him up as mine own." And by that I understood I was no son of this rough yokel: and that in part rejoiced me yet again troubled me, for I thought now I must be some bastard or foundling, and therefore asked my dad how he had come by the said boy or what reason he had had to rear him as his own. "Ah," says he, "I had strange luck with him: by war I got him and by war I lost him."