Chapter X: Part 10

_But as all times run on and will have their period, so this time had an end, but his Charge had none; for his wife being able to sit up and appear to her Gossips, in that posture She was to be provided with a new morning-Gown, and Sattin Cloke to sit up in; and no sooner was that made, but order was given for a new Tabbee-Gown, and Sattin-Petticoat for her to go abroad in, it being, as they told him, a beggerly business to permit his wife to wear old Clothes at her first going abroad; and the Exchange was examined for all the newest fashion’d appurtenances, that in every thing she might appear like his wife; and all this they told him, must necessarily be done for his Credit. Although he knew it was more for his profit and Credit too to be furnished with large bags full of ready money to pay people on his necessary occasions, yet he was forced to empty some of them in these extravagant vanities. A great Feast being made on that day moneth that his wife was brought to bed, and she being then Churched, and having walked abroad to shew her self in her new Clothes, at night he thought he should quietly have gone to bed to her, but he was forbidden that by the Nurse, because forsooth, all the groaning-Cheese was not eaten up, but he being willing to put an end to all these fooleries together; and hoping this was the last of them, compounded with her, and so he had admittance._ And thus was all this great troublesom and chargeable business ended.

Thus (continued Mrs. _Jane_) was the charge and trouble of this business over, but the continued Charge and trouble that his Wife still put him to on all occasions did not cease, but did so afflict and torment him, that he often wished himself unmarried.

CHAP. XX.

_In short time after the old Mans Wife is with Child again, and brought
to bed of a Son, to the great charge of the Father. The Old Mans ways
of getting Moneys and his covetous humour of stealing Bricks: he is
caught in the manner, and made to pay for it; also he is forced to
wade through the water by his Covetousness. The Extravagancies of the
young Son, who being corrected by his School Master, in revenge breaks
his Windows: His Mother locks him up, and he cuts her Chairs and
Stools in pieces, his Father threatens to correct him, and he pretends
to be drowned; he gets Money from his Father, rambles and spends it;
and coming home, his Father again threatning him, he pretends to be
hanged._

Whether our Old Blade was pleased with his Nights lodging with his Wife, I know not, but I am sure he was displeased with the effects of that, or some suddainly after, for it was not long ere his Wife discovered her self to be with child again; and then there was not only the second part to the same tune, but also much more trouble; for she breeding this great Belly worse than the other, was more troublesome; and concluding by this difference in her breeding, that now she should have a different birth, a Son to her Daughter, She told the old man that she was confident of it; and so indeed it proved; for at the usual time she was brought a Bed of a Son but he was a chargeable one to the Old man in his birth, and a cross to him all his life after.

Much provision was made to entertain their young Heir; and although the woman was well enough provided before, yet now there were additions to every thing, and all the house was altered and turned topsie turvy; two Rooms beat into one, to make a Hall big enough to entertain the Guests the more commodiously; and a suit of Tapestry-Hangings, and Turky-work Chairs, and other Furniture to adorn it; and should I run through all the several alterations and additions that were then made, I should be as troublesom to you, as this woman was to her Husbands Money bags: wherefore I will omit all things of that nature to your imaginations, and only tell you in general, that this woman was as profuse in her expences as she could imagine; so that her Husband, after this lying in, did give her an account of her expences, and made out clearly to her, that she had cost him in alterations in his house, and these two Lyings in, full as much as he had with her for Portion; and therefore he knowing the virtue of ready Money, was resolved not to be over-rul’d by her any longer, and be led to these vain extravagancies. Although his Estate, and profit and gains of his Trade would well enough bear with these expences, yet he being naturally covetous, being now grown old, that Vice was encreased, and knowing that now he had two Children to provide for, he scrap’d up all he could, pretending to his wife it was for her and them; so that now his Purse was close shut against all her requests and entreaties; and not long after a fair opportunity of a good Customer happening, he sold off all his Stock in Trade, Utensils, and House; and having an estate large enough for him to manage without Trading, he left of all employment, and retired, taking a House a few miles off from _London_; thither did he carry his Wife and Family: and now in this private way he designed to save; for now there was no occasion of feasting and entertaining Friends, as before. The wife was now cut off from deceiving the old man of his Money, because he seldom kept any in his House, leaving that still, as it came to hand, at his Scriveners in _London_, and bringing home no more than would serve to keep house: and now all that she could handsomly get was by cheating him in her Marketting; for She would pretend that parcel of meat which cost her ten shillings, did cost her twelve or thirteen, and so of the rest. So that she brought the old man to allow her fourty Shillings _per_ week to keep the House; and then she pinched his Guts, and made him look out abroad for Victuals; at home She would make a neck of Mutton serve for three dressings, and would give him of the worst: but he made his belly amends by visiting of Friends, who treated him; he was one of the Masters of the Company of which he was a freeman; he was one of the Masters of the Parish, where he had long dwelt; he was one of the Masters of one or two Hospitals; and as long-liv’d over-grown rich Citizens usually are so was he in all these places, and many more; so that there was seldom a week in the year; and sometimes never a day in the week; but he was invited to one of these Assemblies; where he did eat at the cost of others, and not only eat, but carry away in his Hawking-bag which he wore by his side on purpose, although he pretended it was to carry Papers and writings which he had occasion to use; and this Hawking bag was seldom empty; for when he was at any of these feasts, or at any other Treatment by a friend, he would stuff it full of such Provant as best liked him; and now having the conveniency of carriage, he would also steal Knives; nay, rather then fail, Candles-ends, and put them into his Hawking-bag; and I have known that sometimes his Covetousness hath carried him further, to steal quarries of glass out of the windows of the House where he hath been, and thereby damage other folks windows to mend his own.

These were the effects of his Covetousness, but he was catch’d in one trick, and made to pay soundly for it, and thus it was: His house being a few miles from _London_, he usually went and came every day, sometimes on Horseback, but usually on foot; he had occasion for a parcel of bricks to build a small brick wall, to divide a yard; and seeing in his way between _London_ and home that there was a Brick-kiln, and withal that it was usual with people to take one or two, he did so likewise; and still when he went home on foot, he would take 2, 3, or 4, and clapping them under his Cloak, carry them home. At times he had thus carryed home as many as would neer build his wall; but the owner of the Brick-kiln being acquainted with his doings, and his covetous inclination, was resolved to catch him, and make him pay for it; wherefore he watched him, and catcht him with four bricks under his arm: How now? my friend, said the Brick-maker, What have you gotten under your Cloak? Nothing, nothing, replyed our Old Dotard: I must see, said the other; and thereupon threw open his Cloak, and discovered the prize: what do you with these Bricks? said the Owner: and thereupon being resolved what to do, called his Servants, and went before a Justice of Peace with the Old man; who being thus caught, could not deny the fact; but the Owner charged him with many thousand of Bricks, which, he said, he had lost; and so ordered the matter, that he made our Old man pay more than his Brick-wall might have been honestly built for; and thus did his Covetousness bring him to shame and disgrace; but he still persevered in it, though it were sometimes to his dammage.

He being one evening going home, and passing by a River, saw two men a fishing; he not being in haste, stepp’d to a sandy-bank that was in the River, and stood there some time to see them and that so long, that the Tide being come in, he was incompassed with water, and did not perceive it; and there he was in great care and fear to come out; he must not adventure to wade; but seeing a labouring man come by, he cried out to him, for Heavens sake to come and help him out, and he would reward him very largly, and withal pulled out his purse of money, shewing him that he was furnished with that which would recompence him for his pains.

The poor man seeing that attractive Metal, and hoping that he might get as much for a small job as he had gained all the day, he therefore without any more ado wades through the water to the place where our Old Fellow was; and being come thither, took him in his arms, and carried him through the water, and so set him down; he being now out of danger, cryed, the Lord bless you, honest man, I will reward you; and thereupon drawing his Purse, fumbled in it, turning his money over and over, and finding three farthings, gave them to the poor man, telling him, if he could have found the fourth he should have had it; he all this while stood with his Cap in hand, with a God bless your worship; but being deceived in his expectation, he was resolved to be even with the old Dotard, and therefore clapping his Cap on his head, he caught hold on the old Fellow: and taking him in his Arms, stept into the water, and carried him to, and set him down in the place where he had took him up, and there left him; and being come again ashore, said to the old man, Sir, since you are so bountiful in your reward, I thought it fit to earn my money by carrying you twice as far as you intended; the Old man called out to him, desiring him for all loves to carry him out, but he was deaf to all perswasions, and therefore left him; so that the Old man doubting that he should be drowned, was enforced to wade through, as he saw the fellow had done; and so he went home dropping dry.

Thus was he sometimes catch’d, but what he lost, or what dammage soever he sustained, he made others to pay for it, especially his Debtors, for he still caused them to feast him; and he was not content with what he could eat or drink, but he must carry away, not only in his Hawking-bag, but he had another Utensil, a silver Sucking-bottle, and still this was filled at other folks charges either with Canary or strong-Waters; and this the Old fellow drank off as he travelled, or else emptyed out when he came home, keeping it for a reserve.

And as he pinched, and scraped together from others, so his wife did from him, and that she saved, she expended or preferred upon her young Son; who was no sooner come to be eight years of age, but he shewed forth the most vitious and debauched inclination of any youth in the place where he dwelt; and his Mother cockering him, and encouraging him in his follies, it was not hard to guess at his future deportment; so that all concluded that he would use the fork in dispersing and scattering abroad, as well as his Father had used the rake in gathering and scraping together; and that he would spend that under the Divels belly, which his Father had gained over the Divels back; and to manage him in his early debaucheries, his Mother supplyed him with Moneys, which was like putting a Sword into a Mad-mans hand; for he employed that, to do as much mischief: by that time he came to be ten years of age, his Sister died; and now he being the only Child, was much humoured by his Mother.

The Father prosecuted his ways of getting Money by Usury, and left the whole management of the Son to his wife; neither indeed would she permit him to be under his tuition, or be instructed by him, lest, as she said, he should be infected with Covetousness, and other his ill Qualities. He being Master of Moneys, was thereby Master of all the Boys that dwelt near him; and he spending Money on them still, had them at his dispose; and they not being supplied by their Parents with Moneys as he was, would sometimes steal from them to keep him company; he raised a whole Company of these Boys, and became their Captain; and if he had a mind to do any mischief to any other Boys, he could presently execute it by one of these.

He would not go to School to that Master that once whipped him, neither would his Mother permit that her son, how deservedly soever, should be corrected, but strait took him away from School; and he rather went not at all to be instructed, than would admit of any correction. He being for his untowardness lashed by one of his School-masters, went away, and would to be reveng’d of his Master, abuse and affront him, and those that took his part; the School-master hearing of it, caused a couple of the lustiest of his Scholars to catch him, and bring him into the School, where he caused him to be untrussed and horsed, lashed him soundly, giving him School-butter, and then sent him away. This affront our young man stomached exceedingly, and was resolved to revenge it; wherefore he assembled those of his companions who were led to assist him in any mischievous undertaking; and acquainting them with his purpose, they promised their ready assistance; and he not caring, so it were done, how it were done, took up a parcel of stones, and a Cudgel in his hand, and causing all the rest of his Company to do so too, they advanced to the School-Masters House, where they all at once discharged a whole volley of stones against the windows, and after that another; by this time the School-Master himself was alarm’d, and looking out of the School window, had like to have had his Teeth beaten out with a stone; which however shook and loosened two or three: The Scholars seeing this affront put on their Master, all ran down to revenge it; and catching up what sticks and stones they could first meet with, began a dangerous fight, which continued till the Constable came to part them; there were several on both sides wounded, and the School-Masters windows were much dammaged; wherefore he knowing who was the Ring-leader of this Rout, had him secured, and carried before the Justice, where the School-Master made his complaint with reason enough; but our young mans Father was so intimate with the Justice that the poor School-Master could have no Justice done him; but the young man being soundly checkt, was sent home to his Mother. His Father doubting that these exorbitant courses would be dangerous, was resolved to correct his Son, but his Mother would not let him come under his disciplination, but would undertake to correct him her self: He who had never yet been contradicted in any thing that was his will, was very unwilling now to take any correction; and although that which his Mother intended was but small, yet he would not endure it.

All she did to him was to lock him up in a Chamber for two or three days, till she could humble him; but he was too stiff now to stoop to her or any Body else; wherefore when he had been kept in one whole day, his Mother coming to visit him, she found him more stubborn than before; and he threatned, that if she kept him in, he would be even with her: she ventured him the second day, and came to him again at night, but found no amendment, but tokens of a high stomach she told him, she must and would break him, he said, she could not, nor should not; and if she kept him within any longer, she should have cause to repent it. She was resolved to try, but he was as good as his word; for getting a Knife, he had cut all her fine Chairs and Stools to pieces; she seeing this, was passionately angry, and turned him out of the Room, gave him over to be corrected by his Father; who understanding the Mischief he had done, was resolved to punish him severely, and to that end made preparations. The Servants in the house advised him to submit himself to his Father and Mother, and ask forgiveness, and that they would undertake all should be well again; but he would not yield, but was resolved to take another course; wherefore he provided himself with necessaries, and thus he did.

He went to a Pond, about a mile from his Fathers House, and putting off his Clothes, went into the water, and staid there some time, so that he was seen and observed by several Boys, who were there a washing: he out-staid them all, and then dressed himself, and having brought out with him two Hats and two pair of Shooes, and Stockings; he threw one Hat into the Pond, and left one pair of Shooes and Stockings, by the Pond side, and so went to a Neighbours house near home, and hid himself in a Barn.

The Father being resolved to fetch him up the next morning, expected his coming home that Night, but to no purpose, for he came not; and although diligent inquiry was made among the Neighbour-hood, yet there was no news to be heard of him. The Father was troubled, but the Mother much more, not knowing what was become of him; early the next morning all the Servants were sent out several ways to inquire after him; at length, some of his Companions were met withal, who, upon inquiry told them, that they had seen him the Evening before, in such a Pond; the Servants hearing this, went thither, and there they saw the killing sight of the hat, and shooes, and Stockings; they then concluded, as he intended they should, that he was drowned; those remains of his being, as they thought, but too sure Evidence of that fatal truth. They inquired no further at present, but went home and told their Master, and Mistress, the sad news of their Sons misfortune; he was much dejected at the telling of that dismal Relation, but she was now as one distracted, exclaiming against her Husband, whose severity towards her dear Son, she said, had been the cause of this his unhappy Fate: her Friends could not comfort her, neither could her Husbands perswasions work any thing upon her, but that she would go to the place where her Son had perished. Her Husband disswaded her against this, and promised that he would have the Pond searched, and thereupon gave order to employ a couple of Fellows to rake the Pond all over, but to no purpose; for although they were paid for their pains, yet they lost their labour.

And now the Father finding that the Body of his Son was not to be found dead, was in hopes that he might yet hear of him alive; and he endeavoured to perswade his Wife into this opinion.

In the mean time our young Gentleman lay perdue in the Neighbours Barn; and being provided with sufficient Provant, was as safe as a Thief in a Mill; and although he was at that distance from home, yet he could hear of the distraction his Father and Mother were in, for it was all the News of the place, that Mr. _R_’s Son was drowned, to the great grief of his Father and Mother: he was well pleased to hear that they were so ill pleased; and thought now he should be revenged on them that were resolved to be revenged on him; the consideration of his Mothers sorrow was great joy to him, and he hoped to reap this benefit that he might for the future rule, and reign in his Roguery; hoping that his Father and Mother would leave him to his own dispose; lest he should hereafter do that in earnest, that they would now find in jest; but thinking that they had not as yet suffered enough for what they had made him suffer, a two days imprisonment, whereas he had not been wanting above one day; he was therefore resolved to stay there a little longer, but he was soon after discovered: for being somewhat cleanly, and leaving his Lodging, to go into the yard to untruss, one of the Family came and saw him; he would have fled, but his Breeches being about his heels hindred him; so that at the exclamation of that party who saw him, all the rest of the Family where he was hid came out to him; and seeming joyed to see him, asked him a hundred questions at once, to which he gave them never a word of answer; but they minded not his humour much, but being joyful of his safety, now spake of acquainting his Father and Mother therewith; he knowing they would do so, and that quickly, told them that they might do so; but withal he desired them to enjoyn his Father and Mother both, not to ask him any questions, for if they did, he said he would not answer them; and besides, it was likely it would be the worse for them and him both. They hearing what he said, did not inquire into his reasons for what he had said, but went home to his Parents, and told them how it was. At this joyful news the Father was well pleased; but the Mother was so overjoyed, that she could not contain her self from running to the place where he was; and there she discovered the excess of her joy, by the excess of her passion, which hurried her on to Extravagancies, in embracing, and kissing her Graceless Son, who received her expressions of Love with much indifferency and coldness: She did not observe that, but took all at the best; and being joyed that she had him in her sight, lead him home.

The Father being acquainted with his Son’s Injunction, that he must not be asked any Questions, concluded from thence the true reason of it; however, he dissembled his knowledge, and, to humour his Wife and Son, said nothing to him, but commanded that he used no more of these tricks, and that then all that had passed already should be forgotten. The Son gave him the hearing, but was resolved to take his own swinge; and by this occasion knowing the extreme love his Mother had for him, made very ill use of it, venturing to do any thing though never so debauched. For if his Mother did not give him enough, he would steal it from her, and all her locking up from him was to as little purpose, as her Husbands locking up from her; for her Son would frequently come at her money; and she would as often come at the Old mans: who was so accustomed to be dispossessed of what money he had by his wife, that sometimes the Son met with it, and disappointed his Mother; but it was all as one, for that if she did get it, it was but to bestow on him.

The Old man seeing that his Locks and Keys would not keep his money secure, found out other inventions to hide it, which he did in ordinary unsuspected places, as among the Sea-coals, or in some hole of the House or Garden. But the Son one time met with a purse of ten pound; and that being too much to be spent in one day, he staid out a whole week; his Mother was now distracted as before, for his absence, but the father soon missing his money, and believing that his Son had met with it, was satisfied that he would stay abroad till it was spent, and so he did; for at the weeks end he came home as confidently, as if he had done no harm. Although his Mother, out of joy for the return of her Prodigal, was well enough satisfied with his theft, yet the Old man once more was resolved to correct him: and therefore getting him up into a Garret, locked him up till such time as he might prepare himself for the Correction he intended. This young Extravagant being thus incarcerated, set his wits at work how to get out; at length he found a Gutter-window, and saw that he might get out to the top of the House; this he resolved to do, but withal he intended once again to put his Mother to the fright; and thereupon searching the Garret, he found all sorts of materials and utensils fit for his design; he first took an old Doublet and Breeches, and stuffed them full of rags, straw, and such rubbish as he could find, and then he took shooes and stockings and stuffed the stockings full of bran; and making somewhat like a head, he put his hat on it; and putting the Coat he wore over all this, he put a rope about the neck of this Scare-crow, and so hanged it on one of the beams in the Garret; when he had put his matters in this order, he sat down, and being well pleased at his own invention, laughed as heartily now as he knew his Mother would cry when she came to see it; and having thus bestowed this Scar-crow, he got out to the top of the house, and sat there _perdue_, expecting the event.

His Father being provided with all things necessary for the correction he intended him, mounted up stairs, and with him a Neighbour whom he had called to his assistance; and being come to the Garret-door, and having opened it, he cried out, where are you, Sirrah, that I may correct you: there was no answer, nor Son to be seen, (as he expected) walking; but it was not long ere he saw him, as he supposed, hanging between Heaven and Earth.

* * * * *

Although the Old man came with a resolution to chastise his Son, yet he at this killing spectacle fell down, and appeared more dead than alive; and the man who accompanied him, seeing the Son, as he supposed, hanging quite dead, and the Father in little better condition, he ran down and allarm’d the house with this deadly news.

The Mother, although she was ready to fall down dead with grief, yet her distraction hurried her to the place of her Sons supposed execution, that she might dye there; by such time as she was come thither, the Father was come to himself, but was almost killed again with the bitter words she gave him, telling him, he was her Sons murderer, calling him wretched old Rogue, and using terms the most vile and outragious she could imagine; and then she fell into a violent fit of crying, and tearing her cloathes and hair, so that she seemed quite distracted: her Son heard all this, and laugh’d at the conceit that his project had so well taken; and the Mother, now in another fit, arising, went to catch hold of her Sons body, which she supposed was hanging; but when she came to it, thinking to grasp it, it being light, flew from her at the first touch, and the hat falling off, it was soon discovered what it was.

All present were amazed at the contrivance: but the Mother still continued crying out, if this be not, where then is my Son? At this all sought about the room; and at length one looking out at a Garret-window, saw him sit on the House-top; his mother was soon acquainted with this pleasant news; to which she soon replyed, Oh, bring him in: but he hearing her, replyed, that if his Father did not go down and leave threatning of him, he would throw himself from the house-top, and kill himself in earnest: the Father thinking that the desperate humour might take him, was forced to be content; and so our young man descended the house, and came in at the window, to the great joy of his sorrowful Mother.

CHAP. XXI.

_Our young Extravagant Cheats his Father of more money by receiving
Rent; which being spent, he returned home; and his Mother refusing to
give him what money he desired, she being on Horseback behind him, he
threatens to throw her into the water, and so he obtains it of her.
The Old man dies, and he prosecutes his extravagancies upon Watermen,
Coach-men and a poor Pudding; he also puts a trick upon a Barber; and
plays a fine freack at a Coffee-house; and being Poetical, makes
Verses on Canary._

By this Project our young man escaped the correction his Father intended him; and not only so, but his Mother now looking on him, as one twice risen from the dead, was so foolishly fond, as to hug and embrace him; all this he took in good part, as knowing this fond humour of his Mothers would turn to his advantage; for he having now put her twice to this fright, she was fearful that the third time would prove fatal in earnest; wherefore she now supplied him with Moneys to excess; and he spent it as Prodigally, as he came by it lightly. But the good old man keeping her short, her stock was not large enough to supply him in all his excesses, and then the Old man led a weary life with his wife, till she procured him to give her Son, who was now fifteen years of age, a certain allowance: he demanded fifty pound a year, besides his Diet; but this the old man said was unreasonable; and he alledged, it would be more to the profit of his Son, and himself both, to put him out to be an Apprentice to a good Trade; but neither the Mother nor Son would give any hearing to this Proposition; but in answer to it, the Mother said what, and have I but one Child, and must he be made a Servant? I scorn it; sure you intend to make somebody else your Heir, some Bastards that you have abroad, or else you would not offer to desire or think that your only Son and Heir should be an Apprentice and make clean Shooes, and sweep the Stret-doors; have I bred him up to this? Thus did the Woman answer her Husband, and so put him by from ever making any more such offers; and she alledging that her Son was now man enough to manage an Estate of five hundred pound _per annum_; and that therefore his Father might do well to intrust him with fifty pound _per annum_; but he still alledging it was too much, and it would spoil him; at last, after a long contest, forty pound _per annum_ was agreed on: The Old man now intending thus much for his Son, gave him two Acquittances to go to two of his Tenants to receive five pound a piece of them, it being their last Quarters Rent.

The young man supposing himself a Landlord, went among the Tenants, and intending to outwit his Father, managed his Affairs accordingly; wherefore when he came to the place where some of his Fathers Tenants dwelt, he went to a two Pot-house, and sent for three or four of them which he best knew, and telling them that his Father had ordered him to receive that Quarters Rent, withal produced the two Acquittances he had; these two paid him presently, and the rest did so likewise, he telling them that he had left their Acquittances under his Fathers own hand at home; but that he would give them Acquittances with his hand to his Fathers use, which would do as well. This excuse went as current, and the Tenents were well pleased to pay their money to him, and thereby hoped to ingratiate themselves with their young Landlord; and thus he received twenty pound, instead of the ten pound intended; and had received more of the other Tenants, if his Father, suspecting some such matter, had not gone, and by his presence prevented it.

There he soon found what his Son had done; which however turned somewhat to his advantage: for all the Tenants hearing their young Landlord had been there, and expecting him to come again suddenly had provided all the rent, hoping by that means to gain his good opinion, and a Treatment to boot, as the rest had done: so that now the Old man received all the rent at his first coming, whereas he was wont to come half a dozen times. And now having received his rents, he went home to his Wife, telling her, how their Son had served him; to which she replyed, that it was no matter, for to her knowledge he was bare, and quite out of moneys before, and that this would stock him. And now she having gained an allowance for her Son, she never left her Husband, till he increased her own, and gave her money to buy her some Clothes, as she pretended; and all this was to lay up for her unlucky-Bird, who, as his Father said, staid out till all was spent; and that was within so many days as he had pounds: and he being rid of his money returned home to pillage his Mother. He had made no spare of his Money so long as it lasted, in hopes to receive more of his Fathers Tenants; but he came thither too late, his Father having been there before him; so that being disappointed, he came home, and very quietly he demeaned himself for some time.

But the humour of rambling again possessing him, he courted his Mother for Money, she gave him some, but it was but sparingly, and he stomached it, because he had no more. A few days after, his Mother was to ride to _London_, to lay out some Moneys in necessaries; and she being desirous of his Company, caused him to ride before her; they being thus mounted together, put on very handsomly, till being come about half way, he guided the Horse into a Pond; she wondring, asked him his reason; he told her, only to water the Horse; but when the Horse was now in as far, and as deep as he could go, he shewed her another reason, told her another tale, and desired her to give him some money, she replyed, she had none for him; he answered that he knew she had money about her, and therefore he must and would have some; she said she had no more but what she was to lay out, and if she gave him any she must lose her Journey; he cared not for that, but told her, that if she did not give him some Money, he would throw her into the Pond, and thereby enforce her to lose her Journey; and he swore to it, that he would do it. She doubting that he would be as good as his word, was forced to compound the matter with him, and of five pounds, which she had about her, she hardly compounded with him for fifty Shillings; which he would not take her word for, but she was forced there, as she was on Horse-back, to deliver it to him, and then he rode on, but although she had her Sons Company to _London_, and paid so dear for it, yet she was forced to go home without him, he being there engaged upon the Ramble for so long as that money would last, and then home he came again; and this trick he would serve her as often as he wanted money, and could get her on Horse-back behind him; and as he gained, and filched from her, so she did the same from the Old man and all little enough to maintain her Prodigal Sons extravagances, and this was the course of life they all led.

The young man he spent largely, and pinched all he could from his Mother; she cheated her Husband egregiously to supply his Prodigality; and the old man he screwed all he could get, most shamefully and penuriously, out of his Tenants, and Debtors, to supply them both. These were his Tormentors, that still kept him in perplexity; and in the end, what with Age, and grief at their miscarriages he dyed, leaving all behind him to their disposing.

The Son was joyful, neither was the Mother discontented; and the Old man had at his death, made as prudent a Will as he could devise: for knowing that what he gave to the Mother, he gave to the Son; he dividing his Estate into three parts, gave two to her, and one to him; hoping by such time as he should have spent one third part, he might take up, and be wiser; and then his Mother would be fit to give him another portion.

As soon as the old man was dead, order was taken for his Burial, which was by the Mother and Sons appointment splendid enough; but although the Son attended his Fathers Corps to the Grave, yet the Mother would not, as pretending to be ill, and withal, that it was a thing not in fashion; under this pretence she staid at home: but there was a greater and more urgent cause; for she had a lusty Suitor who attended her, and him she kept Company withal. The Son saw his Fathers Corps put into the ground, and was so wretched, as to command the Grave-maker to put him deep enough lest he should rise again; and now seeing his Fathers Body fast enough, he went a Rambling, and that very night was taken in the Watch at his return home; but being known, he was passed the Watch, and coming home heard how his Mother had bestowed her time in his absence; this raised some doubts and scruples in his mind, doubting, that she might, and would marry and then defeat him of his expectations; wherefore, although he was not yet twenty years of Age, yet he desired his Portion, but that could not be; however such course was taken by some of his Fathers Friends, that his Portion was secured for him; and in the mean time it was agreed, that he should have a considerable allowance. But all this did not please him: for although what was allowed him, was sufficient to maintain him handsomly, yet he spent three times as much, and ran into every Bodies score that would trust him; he was soon aweary of his Mourning Apparel, and therefore in few Months threw that off, and a Suit that cost fifty pounds was provided; in this he did vaunt it, and Rant it about the Town, and all the loose Fellows of no Fortune were his hangers on, or Companions. He spun away the time of his Non-age with all impatience; but when the happy, and long-wished-for-day came, he was the joyfullest man alive. By that time his Mother was married to the Suitor who had put in so early; but being cunning (as most Widows are) she had reserved her Sons Estate entire, and not only so, but a considerable part of her own; so that her Husband had not above one third part of the whole. And now her Son without any controul, demanded, and received his full Portion; many hard words passed between Mother and Son on that account, so that they fell out in earnest; and he taking what was his due, gave her the good buy.

And now was the time come that he took his full swinge in all manner of voluptuousness and debauchery. Taverns were the best places he frequented, as having somewhat for his money: But that expence was not deep enough; he hunted out and frequented all Houses of good fellowship.

All the most eminent _Bona Roba’s_ about the Town were of his acquaintance; and he was not content to have their Company in common, but searching out those that best pleased him, he took them from their Publick Employment, and kept them for his own private pleasures, disposing them in several places, as he had occasion to use them; and commonly keeping three or four of these at Livery; and, which was worse than all this, that he might put the sooner dispatch to his Estate, he frequented Ordinaries, and Gaming Houses and there suffered himself to be cheated to some purpose.

The Mother hearing of these his exorbitant extravagancies, went, and sent to him (for he would not come to her) to disswade him from these courses; but instead of that, he returned wild and extravagant answers, upbraiding her with her sensuality in her second Marryage; and expressed himself so rudely on that account, that I am ashamed to repeat it.

I will relate some particulars of extravagancies, because it exceeds all that I have heard of. He went one time to the Temple-stairs, and perceiving a great many Water-men, both Oars and Scullers, attending for Fares, but more especially for the Lawyers of that place, to carry them to _Westminster_, it being Term-time; and being resolved on a frollick, to disappoint them, he hired all of them, to carry him, and two or three of his Companions, to the Old _Swan_; so that when the Lawyers came to take Boat, there was none for them; and they were forced to beat upon the hoof, or be at the charge of Coaches.

Another time, he being importuned by Water-men, who usually clutter about a Fare, striving who shall earn the money; and only having occasion to cross the Water, he hired four of them to transport him just over, and gave them six pence a piece for their pains; and then they wanting other employment, he told them, that if they would fight with one another, he would give them six pence a piece more; and he, to invite them to it, caused them to quarrel with one another, and so to it they fell lustily; he standing by, and laughing at them.

Thus did he use the Water-men; and he was extravagant with the Coach-men; for sometimes, although he valued not his Money, yet he would in a frollick, get out of the Coach, and leave them in the hurry to look their pay-master; but if they knew, and met with him again, and demanded it handsomly, he would pay them double.

He met with one Coach-man, a surly, dogged fellow, and he served him accordingly; for he had been hurrying about, from one place to another, to find out Company, all that Afternoon; and at night he demanded of the Coachman what he must have; he replyed, eight shillings, which was too much by three shillings; and he not being in the humour to part with his money so slightly, and being withal very well acquainted with the prices of Hackney-Coach-men, he, for that time, refused to give him his demands; and the fellow began to be surly, peremptory, and sawcy; so that he had a great mind to have beaten him: but seeing he was a rugged fellow, he would not venture on that Revenge, but bethought himself of another; which he thus effected.

Well, replyed he to the Coach-man, I will content you, before we part; but now I think on it, I must go a little further, to such a place, naming it. The Coach-man was content; and thereupon, he and his Servant went into the Coach; it was now dark, it being Winter; and he had the better conveniency of executing his project; which he did thus. He drew out his Knife, and he, and his Man together did cut all the leather round on the back of the Coach, leaving it hanging by the top; and by this time being come to the place he appointed, he was there set down, and gave the Coach-man his hire; who not perceiving the dammage done to his Coach, departed; and our Gallant drinking a quart of Wine, and calling for another Coach, was carried home.

The next day, the Coach-man, after much inquiry, found out our Gentleman’s Quarters; and waiting his coming out, told him, that he had done him forty shillings worth of dammage in cutting the Leather of his Coach; he denied the fact, and bid him prove it: the other told him, that he would take his oath of it before any Justice of the Peace; and if (said he) you will not give me satisfaction, I will have you before a Justice, and he will compel you to do it. Our Gentleman hearing him talk so of the Justice, was resolved to frighten the Fellow, and out-wit him; and therefore he replyed, Nay, then, if you talk of a Justice, you were best have a care of your self, how you come there, lest I have you sent to New-gate. For what? replied the Coach-man. You need not make so strange of it, replyed our Gallant, you believe no body saw you yesterday what you did in the field near _Putney_, where you carried me? Why, what did I do? replyed the Coach-man. Why, you buggered a Sow there, replyed our Gentleman. Oh Lord! said the Coach-man. And oh Lady too! said our Gentleman, it is too true, and you will find it so to your cost; both my self, and my man saw it, and will take our Oaths of it if we go before the Justice. Our Gallants man hearing what his Master had said, justified and averred the truth with an Oath; which put the poor Coach-man into such a dump, that he went away with a flea in his ear, and durst not insist upon our Gentlemans payment for the dammage done to his Coach. This was the course our extravagant took; these were the tricks he plaid; and in general, there was no manner of mischief but he put in practice; and he so much prided, and gloried in doing so, that although it were well known he was wicked enough, yet he would not talk and boast of more than he had done; and there was no particular debauched action, or extravagancy done in _London_, but he would boast himself to be the Author of it, and imitate it to his power. He had observed, that a poor woman sat at one of the City-Gates, and sold hot pudding by the pound; he had a crotchet came in his Crown, to put a trick upon this Woman; and therefore having a Companion with him, he acquainted him with his intent, and desired his assistance. He who kept him Company was as ready as his Worship for any mischief; and therefore together they came to this poor woman, who was newly come with her pudding piping hot from the Bake-house, and demanded the price; she told them four pence a pound: he agreed to the price, and she weighed out a pound: she had asked him what he would do with it? for she, seeing his gaudy Clothes, and partly knowing him, said, that he would not eat it. He replied, it was no matter to her what he did with it, so long as she was paid for it. She knowing he had said true, delivered it to him in a handkerchif. He having the pudding, drew out a six pence, and throwing it on the ground, bid her take it up. She stooping so to do, his Companion turned up her Coats, and he clapt the hot pudding to her naked posteriors. The woman, feeling it hot, cryed out amain; but he still held it there, and pressed it hard upon her, whereupon she leapt away from them; and being sensible that she was scalded, she ran to the kennel, and taking up her coats, clapt her bare buttocks in the dirt, to cool and asswage the heat, whilst our Extravagant, and his Companion marched off.

The woman was so paid off, that she could not follow her employment; and acquainting her Husband with the matter, and the party who; he, the next day, found him out, and demanded satisfaction for the dammage he had done to his Wife. Our young man disowned the fact, and refused all satisfaction: but the Good man was sure enough that it was he; for by this time he had (according to his usual custom) bragged of this exploit so that the man being in earnest, and telling him, that if he would not pay for the Cure, and the dammage he sustained by his wives neglect of her business, that he would arrest him, and compel him by Law. He therefore in a humour gave the man twenty shillings, and so ended this frollick of the Pudding-woman.

There hardly passed a day, but he was guilty of some frollick or other; and if he had the humour of doing, he would go through with it, though it cost his pockets never so dear: Some of his frollicks were somewhat more harmless, but altogether as comical and pleasant. If he had heard of any frollicks, though never so extravagant and old, he would attempt to do the like; and many such he did only in imitation and to renew the discourse of them. As for example: he was used to have the Barber, for the most part, to come to him; and although he had no beard (for he was never known to have above five hairs on one side of his face, and seven on the other) yet he was usually shaved every day. But one day he went to a Barbers to be trim’d, and sitting down in the Chair, the Barber fell to his work. He intended to have some frollick with this Barber; and the Barber gave him a very good occasion and opportunity: for the Barber having occasion to make water, and being somewhat lazy, pissed about his shop. Our Gallant asked his reason; and told him, it was a nasty trick. To which the Barber pleaded, for excuse, that it was no great matter, for he was to leave the shop in a weeks time, and to remove to another, and therefore it would not annoy him much. This action, and answer, fell out for our Gallant, as fit as pudding for a Friers-mouth; and therefore he was resolved to prosecute his intended project; and he did so tickle himself with laughing at the conceit he intended, that the Barber could hardly shave him, without indangering the cutting of his Throat or Chaps.