Chapter XI: Part 11

But that was done in time, and our Gentleman was delivered from the imprisonment of the Chair, when in the prosecution of his intended Project, he asked _Cutbert_ whether he had any sorts of sweet powder? He shewed him what he had below, and that not pleasing him, he went up stairs to fetch more: no sooner did he mount up the stairs, but down went our Gallants breeches, and there in the middle of the Shop, he laid the biggest load he could exonerate himself of. He made all the haste he could, and just as the Barber descended down stairs, up went his Breeches. The Barber, although he had sweet Powder in his hand, yet he could not only smell, but see that there was somewhat in the Shop that was not so sweet to the scent, nor pleasant to the sight; wherefore he also asked his Customer his Reason for so doing? He replied, he had the very same reason for disburthening himself, as he had; for said he, I am to leave the shop presently, and it will not annoy me much. The Barber seeing that he was beaten at his own weapon, made no reply, but was forced to be content; and our Gallant left the Shop and the Barber; to go among his Companions, to boast of this witty exploit. This was talk enough for him for some days. But he still studied, by such time as one was stale, to project and execute another; and it was not long after ere he met with one altogether as extravagant, and much like the other.

Although he was a great Drinker, yet he did fight cunningly, and would not let one drop of Wine go down his belly in the morning, nor hardly admit of any mornings-draught though never so moderate; forbearing all drinking, till the affairs of the Gut, the eating were over; and then, as he used to say, it would do your heart good to see him take off his Liquor, especially Sack, which was his chiefest delight; and he would bear it very lustily, and with the help of a Coach get to his Lodging in very good order.

But one time he had missed and omitted this custom, and drank all day without eating, so that the next morning his belly and head were both filled with airy humours, his belly asked and croaked, and his head was giddy, wanting settlement; wherefore, some Friends who came to visit him, advised him to drink some _Coffee_; he believing that in regard it was to be drunk hot, that it might heat his Guts, and qualifie his brain went to a _Coffee_-house with them; where being sat down, and having put two warm dishes full into his Guts, it made him break wind forwards and backwards both; at which unusual noise among so many people as were there together, he was more than usually stared at; he minded not their staring, but continued in drinking; and withal observed the several postures used in drinking their _Coffee_; some he saw laid their Nose, some their eyes, nay, and some their ears to the _Coffee_-dish, to let the smoak, or fume of the _Coffee_ ascend; at this unusual sight he asked the reason of it; and it was generally replyed, that it was an excellent remedy against the Cold which they had gotten in those parts; he hearing them say so, had an extravagant humour come into his brain; and I dare say, if the Company would have given him twenty pound, he would not have forborn the execution of it; but thus proceeded: He called for the largest Dish of _Coffee_ in the house; it being filled, he set it in the middle of the _Coffee_-room, and letting down his Breeches, he turned up his shirt, and placed his Bum just over the _Coffee_-dish. All the Company wondring and laughing at this Extravagancie; he cryed out, Nay, Gentlemen, you need not laugh so hard, for I do no otherwise then you have directed me, for you all say _Coffee_ is good for a Cold, and to your knowledg my _Podea_ had gotten a Cold, for it coughed since I came in hither; and therefore do but as I was directed, to let the fumes of the _Coffee_ asend to the place affected. Having now had his frollick, he put up his Breeches, and sitting down among the Company, gave them all occasion to exercise their eyes in staring on him; and he again entertained them with such fantastical discourse, as made them believe that he was more Knave than Fool, and enough of both.

You may judge by this (said Mrs. _Mary_) of the rest of his Extravagancies; and this was the dayly exercise of his wit, which (as you may understand) was not barren in inventing all manner of debaucheries; and indeed, had he had somewhat to exercise his wit on that which was ingenuous or good, he must have been succesful enough, for he had a strong memory, for he retained all he read, he never forgot the least, or slightest story that he had once read over: he read but little, and that was of the pleasantest sort of reading, books of Knight-Errantry; and of them he knew all, and could relate all the stories, from _Tom Thumb_ to _Amadis de Gaule_, and the Mirrour of Knight-hood. All the _Palmerins_, and _Primaleons_, he knew as well as if he had gon to School with them; he knew the Father, Son, and Grandfather; and frequented Booksellers Shops only to inquire for more parts of those Histories. Don _Bellianis_ of _Greece_ was a brave Knight with him; and he was wont to say, that it was great pity that some Ingenuous Pen did not prosecute the adventure of that honour of Chivalry in a second part: he was intended to have done it himself, if he could but have spared so much time. From this History he proceeded to _Cassandra_ and _Cleopatra_; but those _Hero’s_ and Ladies were of too strict and virtuous an inclination for his converse: the loose _Galaor_, Brother to St. _Amadis_, was a man for his Money, being one who was a general lover of all Ladies. He had also read over _Orlando Furioso_ in verse; and was very much in love with mine Hosts Tale to _Rodamant_, of the loosness of Women; this he commended above any thing in the book; and in all his readings he imitated the Spider, and not the Bee, in sucking the Poison, not the Honey from them. By means of this converse with Poetical books, he was so much infected with Poetry, that he could versifie and ryme indifferently; and being in love with Canary, he bestowed some time in composing these Verses on that Divine Liquor.

An Encomium on Canary.

T_hou glory of this glorious Nation._
Spains _best Child, her Pride, her Reputation:
Her_ India, _her_ Peru, _her best Wealth;
Thou art Fortune, Pleasure, Riches, Health,
Companion to the Worthies, giving birth,
To_ Hector _Valour, and to_ Cæsar _Mirth:
Nay, and sometimes sole Commander
Of the Worlds All-commanding_ Alexander.

_Ye Muses guide unto the pleasant Spring,
Where you inchanting sit, and chanting sing
Such Roundelays, that those which do draw near,
Are no more fed by th’ eye, but by the ear.
There is no Musick, nought that cheers the heart,
If Don Canary does not bear his part._

_Gazing Astronomers had never found
How the great Axle of the World wheels round
Had they not tasted Sack: ’tis Sack’s the eye
Of solid Logick, and Philosophy.
Nay, be you ne’re so strongly grounded,
If you contend with Sack, you’l be confounded._

_Your Learn’d Physitians, famous for their skill,
Give Drugs to others whom they mean to kill;
But mark them who so please, in hugger-mugger,
They cure themselves meerly with Sack and Sugar.
Should we to former Ages but look back,
There you should find the strange effects of Sack:_

_Shall I ascend to_ Jove, _the Heavens Protector?
What is that drink call’d by the Poets, Nectar?
Was’t not Canary? yes, there’s nothing truer,
For all men know, that_ Bacchus _was his Brewer:
Who by Canary, as its poetis’d,
Became a God, and was Immortalliz’d._

CHAP. XXII.

_Our Extravagant uses strange wayes to raise moneys; which being got in,
he takes a journey into the Countrey, marries, and returns; meets with
one of his Companions, who laid a wager about their Footmens drinking:
he being indebted to our Extravagant, and not in a capacity to pay him
till his Fathers death; he projects a way to kill the Father; and not
come within the compass of the Law; he undertakes and performs it.
This Extravagant’s answer to his Mother; and his getting a suit of
Clothes of a strange Taylor. He cheats at the water-side, and cheats
Gentlemen of several Cloakes, which he sells to a Broker, who upon
some discontent claps him in a prison, where he again expresses his
Poetry._

Our Gallant thus exercised his wit, and spent his time; and as this Old man, the Father, had in his latter years employed his whole wit and industry in gaining of moneys, and enlarging his Estate; so the Young man, the Son, employed all his in spending, and lessening it. The Fathers ways of getting money was by usury; and the Son, on the contrary, was so great an hater of that vice, and sin of usury, as he termed it, that he would not receive any; and being desirous to raise a great sum of money together, he sent to his Debtors, and told them that if they would by a certain time, then to come, bring him in his principal money, he would forgive them all interest. There were few of them that stood out; for the Father having been wary in disposing his money on good security, the Son had the less trouble to gather it in; and few of the Debtors failed to bring in our Prodigals Money, and take up their bonds. Some there were whose debts were considerable and large, and they could not provide their Moneys by the time, but lost that advantage: but again some of them gained more considerably then the rest had done; for he by this means believing that all those debts that were not paid him were desperate and bad, he fell to selling and assigning them; which the Debtors hearing of, although they could not raise the ready money themselves, yet the Security being good, they procured Friends to lay down the Moneys, and compounded the Debts for some two thirds, some three quarters, some more, some less, he being willing to take, and unwilling to refuse all Moneys that he could thus bring in. And by this means being master of a considerable sum of Money, and being of his _London_ frollicks, he resolved for the Countrey; and providing himself with choice of Geldings, and variety of Rich Clothes for himself, and new Liveries for his two Servants, he took his journey. I cannot give you any particular account of his transactions in the Countrey, because it was at too great a distance; but in general, I heard he plaid over his old freaks, the second part to the same tune: but this I know, that passing for a man of a great Estate, and being plentifully furnished with Moneys, he was admitted into the Family of a Person of Quality; where, however he carryed himself abroad, yet at home he was so civil, as that courting the Daughter, he obtained her and her Friends consent to a Marriage. They questioned not his Estate, (which they knew had been considerable) because he demanded no portion: and thus was our wild Gallant become a staid man, if Marriage would make him so; but although it might operate somewhat at first, yet that good humor held him not long for he was soon weary of any thing that was good; and, as I heard his wife being so, he was the sooner weary of her: and therefore, and because the Money he had brought with him was spent and gone, he was then again for _London_. I suppose he engaged himself to return speedily; but he who never kept any ingagement, was sure to break that: And now being come to _London_, he visited all his old Friends; but there was not one word of the pudding; he would not own the alteration of his condition, but had a mind still to pass for a Batchelor; for under that notion he might practise his debaucheries the more freely; for he did intend to cheat any maid, that would be so easie, of the most precious Jewel they had; whether he did, or how many fell into his snare, I know not; but he boasted of many such conquests. He being now come to _London_, and his errand Money, Money he would have; and therefore he summoned all the remaining Debtors to make sudden payment.

Although he had already received several considerable sums, and that more than he had present occasion to make use of; yet not one good turn, or courtesie would he do any man, though never so near and dear to him: he had rather spend 40_s._ to make a man drunk, than lend him 20_s._

* * * * *

But there was one, a certain Companion of his, who was almost as debauched as himself, and would have been altogether so, had he had the means to have done it. This Person having a Father alive, whom he would willingly have exchanged for a dead one; and whom he was very desirous to have kneel in Brass, or lean in Marble: This Father was a great trouble to our young man’s proceedings and our Gallant having consider’d his case, as it had been formerly his own, being desirous to propagate, and assist in the work of deformation, had at several times furnished him with the sum of fifty pounds; and now he being resolved to have at all, get in all he could, gave this Friend a summons, who failed not to meet him at the time, and place appointed with money for a drinking bout, though not to pay Money. They set to it lustily, and drank off their Sack very stoutly; and whilst our two young Gentlemen were thus employed, their Servants were not idle. Our Gallant was now attended but by one of his two Foot-men; and the other, who had also a Foot-man, or Attendant, who was acquainted with the other; and they having been for some time separated by reason of our Gallants Journey, and now having met again, were so joyful to see themselves alive, that they drank of their Sack as fast as their Masters: They had leave to do so, and might call for what they pleased. Our Gallant having occasion to go into the next Room, there found his Man, and the other engaged in hot service; but observed, that his Man being the stouter drinker of the two, had the better on it, and was the likeliest so to hold it; wherefore a conceit came into his head, and then out it must; thereupon, he called his Companion to him, and shewed him their Servants; he was as well pleased as the other, and encouraged his man to hold out; our Gallant hearing him say so, cryed, _Bear up_, Jack, _for I’le hold a piece of your head_; done, said the other.

But although here was a great wager to be lay’d, yet there was no sound bargain, nor Witness; and they hardly understood what they intended, till the Master of the house was called up; and then he seeing there was like to be somewhat to his advantage, made this fair proposition (as he called it) that the two fellows should drink on, and he who first gave out, and was foyled, his Master should pay the Reckoning: Content, said one; content, said another; and withal, lose a piece, to be spent to morrow: They both agreed to this motion; and drawing out their Moneys, the Land-Lord kept stakes, and the Fellows still held on their drinking, neither were the Masters idle; and they all plyed their gears so well, that they could not remove their Quarters, but were all four inforced to stay there all night; only our Gallant had the honour of the day, for his man had quite knock’d down the other, and had laid him fast asleep; and he being on the ground stradled over him, like St. _George_ over the Dragon, and drank off three Beer glasses of Sack in token of triumph; and then they were all carried to their Beds. The next morning they found themselves more sensible then they had been the night before; but being in a Tavern, and remembring that there was 20_s._ in bank, there was no remedy, but that they must of necessity take a hair of the old dog; and therefore to it they went again, but with more sobriety then the day before; for our Gallant, who commanded in chief, had no mind to drinking, it being against his Custom to drink in a morning; and besides that, he intended to propose the matter of money to his Companion, so that they drank but moderately; and our Gallant broke the ice by telling his Companion, that upon a certain accident that had lately fallen out, he had occasion to raise a sum of money, and therefore he desired the other to help him to that which he had formerly lent him. The other briskly replyed with an Oath, that he asked him impossibilities; that there was not such a sum as 50_l._ in Nature, nor could he expect to see so much together, till the happy day of his Fathers death; and then said he, if that long looked for day would but come, I will not only pay that sum, but all else I have shall be at your dispose.

Our Prodigal knew well enough that he should hardly get his Money till the old fellow was dead, but however he thought to urge it to see if he could perswade him to cheat his Father of such a sum, but the other replying he could not and that it was impossible to out-wit him, well reply’d our Gallant since that Jest will not take let us think of somewhat else, is the old fellow good conditioned? does he give you money enough to spend? truly replyed the other, he is very kind to me, for he allows me pretty largely, knowing that besides Wine and good company; there are such transitory things as women to be had; for keeping a good Girl himself, who is an old Knave, he knows the necessity of those mortals for us that are young. How, replyed our blade, does he keep a Wench? then I have a sure expedient to make him tip off the perch in a short time. You may be deceived replyed the other, for as he is old, so he is tough and hath been a long time accustomed to _Venus_ Wars. Well that matters not, reply’d our Gallant but if you will double my money, (for I must be at some charge) I will undertake and warrant to send your Father into the other world in a very short time. No reply’d the other I will have no hand in Murther especially there being Parricide in the case. I tell thee, reply’d our undertaker, there shall be no hazard of the Law, no not so much guilt lye upon you nor me, whether as Physitians (who are authorized to kill) are guilty of to their Patients, and shall be both safe and sure. Well how is it then reply’d our Companion. You say, said our Gallant, your Father is very old, and loves a Wench. Why then said our undertaker, all my business is but to know this Wench and be acquainted with her, and then the business is done, and that without fail. Thus much he told his Companion, but would not (though he importuned him) tell him any thing more. And thereupon he seeing that he could not at present get any thing more out of him, and withal assuring him that there was no danger in Law; the one concludes to act, and the other to assist in the enterprize. Accordingly that very afternoon our Extravagant was conducted by his Companion to the place where his Fathers Lady of pleasure resided. This young Woman whom he was so desirous to be acquainted withal lived with one that was more antient, and whom she called Aunt, and they two together with a Maid-servant that attended them both made up this little Family, in regard she lived thus privately, he found it would be more difficult then ordinary to get access, but the next day an opportunity fell out very convenient. For the old man (according to his custom) having sent in Provision for Dinner, came at noon to Dine with his Mistress, and about three of the Clock he and his Mistress and the Old Woman resolved on a walk. Our undertaker was so diligent that he attended them at some distance, and they going into a Publique house, he also went thither and took a Room next to their’s. The Old Man treated his Mistress with Cakes and Ale, and such other Provision as the place afforded, and after they had sufficiently regalled themselves, the old man he must go about an affair of importance, and therefore he must leave them. Our Undertaker was glad to hear of that, and expected the happy minute of his departure, but he found that they all left the house together, wherefore he put himself in the way that they were to come, and walking softly permitted the two Women to overtake him. He being a sufficient Courtier wanted not pretence sufficient to enter himself into their company, and the Women were not so reserved as to distaste or dislike the proffered service of his meen and quality.

The walk they were to take er’e they came to their quarters was considerable and thereby he had the opportunity to discourse with the young beauty, which was not only handsom but of a pleasant conversation. He knowing how far their journey reached offered them a Glass of Wine. The young woman wholly declined the proposition, wherefore he applyed himself to the Old one; and her he over-ruled, so that they put in at the next Tavern. He promised them only one quart of Wine, but they drank three or four e’re they parted, he did so Court the old Woman that she took off her liquor freely, and made her so open hearted that she discovered many of her copious secrets with the Old Man, who also simpered at the writal of them, our Gallants chief business being to win the young woman, thought that the nearest way to do it, was to gain the Old, and therefore he not only plyed her with Wine but gave her some halfe-crown pieces, at the sight of this she called him Son and told him he should be welcome.

He pulling out his money discovered some fair Medals which he shewing to the young woman, and she seeming to like, he forced her to accept of them, thus he having laid the bait, did not question but the Fish would in time be taken, he only waited on them to their Lodgings that night, but promising to revisit them the next day, neither was he worse then his word, but before hand he sent several bottles of Wine.

And at this second converse he made so large a progress in his business, that he discovered that she was not displeased with his Company; He finding her thus easie, proceeded as far as he could with her to the main point, but she checked him there, being resolved not to be won so easily; but he resolving not to make Childrens Shoes, followed so close that he brought her to his bent, and received the satisfaction he desired, She not distrusting the mischief that was intended her, gave him all freedom with her, and he was seldom out of her Company but when the Old Man had appointed to be with her, our undertaker still resolving on his project ventured on one of the desperatest discourses that has been heard of.

* * * * *

It is not to be questioned but that he who had been so Universal a Courtier of Women, and that of all sorts, had met with those one time or another that had paid him off, and he was used to brag himself to be more then a Gentlemen, for he had been oftner then three times at _Haddam_, he was so well acquainted with all the effects of that disease, and the Remedies against it that he made nothing of it, and he knew several of his _quondam_ Ladies who were then well peppered, to one of these he went, and it was not very difficult for him to purchase that of them which they would very gladly be rid off: and therefore he easily attained his desires, and being thus accompanied, he went to his fresh Mistress, and made her participate in that disease which she had till then been a stranger to, and the Old Man coming soon after in his turn and thinking to have his pleasure with her, had it for the present, but was so paid off that entring into a course of Physick to cure himself of his disease, he was brought so weak that he fell into another though less troublesom yet more dangerous, which was not long in operating its desired effects, for it carried him to his Grave. And thus did our undertaker perform his undertaking, and his Companion was so much a Gentleman as to perform his promise to give the sum of Mony for his reward that had been agreed upon, and our undertaker who had only made use of this young Woman as an Instrument to bring his purpose to effect, caused the young man to give her a reward for what she had unknowingly endured and done.

His Companion was now the better man as having the more Money; but our Gallants stock held out to spend with him, and neither of them made any spare. Our Gallants Mother hearing of his lewd courses, took some of her old Husbands acquaintance and found him out, she and they perswaded him to take up before all were spent, using many arguments to induce him to good Husbandry, and propounding some course for him to take to redeem himself; but he was deaf to all perswasions, and only flouted and laughed at them; telling them that he was resolved to make his dead Father a Lyar, for I remember (said he) that some Friends telling him in his life time I would spend his Estate after his death, he answered that so I might if I would, but he was certain that I would never take so much pleasure in spending it, as he had in getting it. And therefore said he I am resolved to enjoy my full swing in all manner of pleasures, that I may disprove him, and besides (continued he) do you think I am mad to preserve or keep any part of that Estate that was so unlawfully gained by penury and Usury; no such matter, for I am sure it would be to no purpose to attempt it, for I know I shall never thrive while I enjoy any part of it. His Mother and Friends hearing his resolution, by this his Extravagant answer, left him; and he prosecuted his old course of Life so long, that he began really to want Money, and had still spent his Money before he could receive it, some Debts he had still owing him, which supplied him sometimes by fits and girds. He had dealt with a Taylor who had taken much money of him, and gained well by him, but he still paid him one under another, and was still in his debt for the last, this Taylor seeing his Extravagancy, and doubting that in the winding up of the bottom he might loose as much as he had gained, waited on him very diligently for his Money, & pretended such urgent occasions for Mony that he in the end got clear with him.

Our Gallant then desired some more new cloathes, but he gave him only good words and put him off from time to time, till one day our Gentleman meeting this Taylor in Company, asked him why he was not so good as his word to make him a new suit, for said he you know I have been no ill Customer, I owe you nothing: it is confessed (replyed the Taylor) you do owe nothing, but Sir there is a reason and that a very considerable one; why I do not care to deal with you, nor no others of your temper, what reason reply’d our Gallant, this (reply’d the Taylor) you do pay me, but you do call for my Bill, and pay me so suddenly after I have delivered the Cloaths that I have not conveniency to gain so much by you as I do by other Gentlemen, who staying a great while after their Cloathes are made, and indeed till they are worn out e’re they ask for a Bill, or talk of payment, I have the conveniency to enlarge what and how I please because it is forgot what was used, and they being worn out they have not the conveniency of comparing the Bill and cloaths together, this continued the Taylor is a sufficient reason why I do not care for dealing with you further, thus did this Taylor make his excuses which reflecting rather on his own ill dealing then our Gallants, it passed very well with the Company, and our Gallant understanding that his credit was justified could not be angry, but however he knew the Taylor meant quite contrary to what he had said, and he finding his credit would go no further there, and some of his Companions hearing this discourse with him and his Taylor, thought that the Taylor had been mad, and engaged our Gentleman to make use of his, and his Taylor upon the report of this, soon provided him with such Cloathes as he desired, but he did not find the discourse made good for he was forced to wait a long time for his Mony, and now he had spun a fair thread his mony was almost all gone, and being Monyless he was inforced to look out some melancholly place to spin away the time in, upon this account he was a great frequenter of the Temple-walks, which were pleasant, melancholly, and withal safe, for there he was out of danger of being arrested, which he began now to dread, and this walk turned him to a more profitable account as I shall presently relate to you; one day he being very melancholly in his ordinary walk at the Temple, sees one who had Lodgings in that house who was of his acquaintance, they salute each other, and so walk about for some time, at length, the Gentleman tells our Extravagant, that he must beg his pardon, for he could no longer walk with him, being ingaged to cross the water about an affair of Consequence; it then happened to rain, and therefore our Extravagant told him sure Sir you will not go before the Shower is over; that matters not much, replyed the Gentleman, for I will send for my Cloak, and thereupon called for a Porter and directed him to his Chamber, to command his servant to send his Cloak, the Porter went and fetched it accordingly, and so the Gentleman putting it on, departed.

Our Extravagant observing this accordingly, and now being in _Querpo_ without a Cloak, thought he had a fair expedient to get one, and if he were discovered it would pass for a Frolick, whereupon he calls a Porter and sends him to a chamber, whose Master was of his acquaintance, and whom he saw was newly gone out, and ordring the Porter to fetch his Cloak from thence, named himself the Master of the Chamber; the Porter went, and the Servant who attended in the Chamber knowing that his Master was but newly gone out, and believing he might have occasion for his Cloak, delivered it to the Porter who carried it to our Extravagant, who now having a Cloak marched off, being provided for against a shower of Rain that then happened, but withal he knowing it would be dangerous to wear that Cloak which was remarkably known among his aquaintance, having Gold Buttons, he marched to _Long-Lane_, and exchanged it for a Coat of a different colour, and had Money to boot, and now having succeeded so well in this first attempt and being resolved to try further, he thought fit to acquaint this Broker that he had several Cloaks that he would exchange or sell to him. The Broker replyed he should be very welcom, and he would deal very honestly with him, and so he left him, and the next day he plyed his business, so that in the manner aforementioned, taking his due observations, gained three Cloaks more, and before the week was at an end he had ten or twelve, being Master of so many Cloaks he dealt with his Broker, and exchanged for a very handsom suit and Cloak, and a pretty sum of money in his Pocket, and now he was set up again.

He again marches to the Gaming House, and there in short time looses all his ill purchased Wealth, and now the loss of so many Cloaks together, having been so much talked of by the Owners, he thought it would be to no purpose to attempt that trick any further, but knowing he had a Merchant his Broker, who would deal with him for any thing of Cloaths, he went to the Play-house, and there he nim’d off the Gold Buttons from Cloaks, and the Gold and Silver Lace from Gentlewomens Petycoats, nay sometimes he would cut off great part of the Petticoats, and this trade he did drive a long time, and as fast as he was Master of any such purchase he sold it to the Broker who received all that came, and although he knew our Extravagant could not come honestly by these purchases, yet he still encouraged him to bring him more.

And was so kind to him that being arrested by his Landlord for five pound for Lodging and Diet, he furnished him with the some, and set him at liberty, he promising to repay him in a short time, by such things as he should bring in. But he being at liberty and following his old Trade, and finding that although he brought much grist to the Mill, still carried some of his Commodities to the Broker, yet he had but little money of him, for in the first place he gave him less price, and then withal stop’d most part of the money for the old Debt, he considering of this was resolved to leave the Broker and make the best of his markets elsewhere, and so he did; but the Broker soon discovered him, and in revenge caused him to be arrested and clapt up into the Counter, from whence he had lately redeemed him.

Our Extravagant bearing close enough sent to his Mother, but she was as deaf to him as he had been to her, and was resolved to let him bite on the bridle, wherefore he being weary of that Prison, and understanding that _Ludgate_ was far better, resolved to remove himself thither, but first he again tryed what his Mother would do, but she although the Debt was but four pounds would not pay it, but if he could get off for forty shillings, she gave him some hopes that she would disburse it, but the Broker was inexorable, would have all or none which he understanding, in a humour writ these Lines.

_Oh how with misery I my Mothers Darling
To be thus chackled but for four pound_ Starling,
_By a base Broker who I know’s a thief,
And merits_ Newgate _and wants relief,
And now I’m forc’d to go Guds Dud
To the dwelling of that old King_ Lud.
_If e’re I pay him I am soundly cheated,
If I ne’re pay him then he is defeated,
But if he will take half the debt for whole,
My Mother then i’m sure will pay the Cole._

CHAP. XXIII.

_Our extravagants wild humours whilst he is in the Compter, from whence
he being released falls into the Company of House-Breakers, and by
their assistance robs a Milliners Shop where the Constable kept his
Watch._

Thus did necessity cause our Extravagant to be witty, and he shewing these Verses to some friends they promised to assist him with his Mother, but she rather chose to maintain him in Prison then pay the debt, all the small moveables, as Cloak, Sword and Belt, Half-Shirts, Bands, Caravats, and all other things that he could spare, he parted from and converted them into Ale. Some friends one Fast day went to see him, and he being glad of Company caused them to stay most part of the day, but it being Fast-day, the Parson belonging to the Compter, according to custom gave the Prisoners a Sermon, during that time the Cellar door was shut up, no drink was delivered out, all were ingaged to assist and hear the Parson, our Extravagant was very much troubled at this obstruction in his drinking, and his friends could not perswade him to any patience, but he when the Parson was in the middle of his Sermon, looking out at a Window neer the Pulpit heard him say I have two or three points more and then I conclude, I would you would said our Extravagant that we might have some drink. The Parson stared at him, and so did the people who were near him and heard his words, but he seeing the Parson went on, turned away, saying come since we can have no drink, lets take Tobacco till we can, and so went away.

_The Parson after he had done preaching, came to our Extravagant to examine him privately, but his answers were so Extravagant that there was no good to be done with him, and now not having any employment he gave himself wholly to fudling, and when he had not Money, and his Mothers allowance was spent, he spunged with all Companies, and got acquainted with all the Prisoners that came into the house, and this his Imprisonment did make him worse, for he conversed with all the debauched persons that were there, and now he could not act, he gloryed in the Relation of his former lewd debaucheries, so that at length his Mother at the perswasion of friends agreed and paid his Debt and Charges, and took him home to her house._

_By reason of his confinement, he had contracted a disease, wherefore it was necessary for him to stay within doors for some time, and take Physick, but he being restored to his former health, was a suitor to his Mother for new Cloathes and Money in his Poket, she refused him both for the present, not thinking it fit as yet to trust him, wherefore he gave her very ill words._

* * * * *

_Thus you may see what a hopeful amendment here was, and as he was debauched himself, so I believe it was his desire that his Son should be so; for as I told you he had been married in the Countrey to a person of Quality, but he had basely left her and rambled about the Town, and though he heard soon after his coming to_ London _that she was brought to bed of a boy, he took no heed nor care about it, but when he was asked by friends whether he had not a desire to see his young Son, he replyed, no, he cared not to see him till he was about thirteen or fourteen years of age, and then he only desired that he might see him to enter him at a Baudy-house._

* * * * *

_By this discourse you may judge of his inclination, and his Mother now refusing him money, he would purloyn a silver Spoon or some other piece of plate, and convert it into Pocket mettle, and being once furnished with money he would go seek out Company. Those that had any grace or honesty would refuse to accompany him, and therefore he got into the company of such Bulkers and Pick pockets as he had known whilst he was in the Counter, and now he employed his industry in contriving ways with them to get a purchase, and being one day at a Milliners or Haberdashers shop, who was related to him, he asked the Master to lend him half a piece, he refused him the money, but gave him very good counsel, if he had had the grace to receive it, and make use of it as he ought. But it was to as little purpose to speak to him at that rate, as it had been to endeavor to wash the Black-more white, both labour in vain, and our Extravagant was so angry at his friend for it; that he told him that he might have found somewhat else to do, and since he had not, he would ere long find him some other imployment, somewhat else to talk about, and so left him; and now being resolved what to do, he went and found out some of his forementioned acquaintance, Bulkers or House-breakers, and telling them he had a great desire to assist them in robbing of the Milliners shop, which he told them was very well furnished with good ready Mony, Commodities, Silk and Silk ribboning, Gloves and such like wares, they liked the design well enough, and now they asked him the place where, but here appeared a very great obstacle; for this Milliners shop was in such a place as was very difficult to be robb’d, it being the very next door to the Watch-house, where the Constable and watch generally sat. This they told him would be dangerous to attempt; but he affirming the more danger the more honour,and that he was resolved it should be done, and he knew how to do it handsomely if they would be ruled by him; they promised their assistance to the execution of this design. It was necessary there should be five or six persons, wherefore they making up that company, and he being one of that number, and all things provided according to his order and directions, about ten of the Clock at night they set forwards. They divided themselves into two parts or companies and our Extravagant and two others that went into an Ale-house at some small distance from the Watch house. There they called for drink, and soon began their work, which was to quarrel with one another, they were armed with swords, then they drew and began a scuffle, one of the three runs up to the Watch, and cries out_ Murther, Murther; _The Constable hearing the noise, and doubting there might be sufficient cause, took all his Watch-men to attend Him, but he found no great trouble to appease this quarrel, which being ended, he with his Watch returned to his Rendezvous: In this time the other three had not been idle, but so soon as ever the Constables back was turned, they broke open the Shop Door they intended to rob, and it was not very difficult so to do, for it was not so strongly barricado’d, as otherwise it might have been, because of the safety the owner thought he was in, by reason of the Constables sitting there._

_The Shop being opened they laid about them, and knowing where the best Commodities lay, they soon removed them, and not packing them up so handsomely as the Owner would have done for his Customer, they only threw them together into two Sacks they had brought, which being filled, away they marched; so that by such time as the Constable and Watch returned, they had dispatched their business and were gone._

_The Constable before morning discovered the Shop Door to be open, but did suppose it had been left so, by the negligence of them that shut it up, wherefore he left two Watchmen at the Door to guard it. The next Morning the Master came and wondred to see a Guard upon his Door, asked the reason. They told him what they supposed, but he found it much otherwise, and although there were his Drawers and Boxes, yet they were empty, there were the Nests but the Birds were flown, immediately a Hue and Cry went out against those parties they could describe, but to little purpose, for they escaped, and were far enough off from being discovered. The next day they shared their prize, and converting it into Mony, our extravagant’s share came to above 25l. and now that he was possessed of so considerable a Sum of Mony, he was desirous that all the world should know it, and therefore it being inconvenient to carry so much about him in Silver, he changed 20l. into Gold._

CHAP. XXIV.

_Our Extravagant puts a notable cheat upon a Merchant for_ 100l. _He and
one of his Companions being at a Washerwomans see her handsomly
revenged on a Bayliff._

Our Extravagant being Master of this Money, and knowing the difficulty of getting more, was resolved to look out betimes. He was drinking with some Friends at a Tavern neer the Exchange, _London_, and it being the busie time of the day, Exchange time, several Companies were put into one Room though at several Tables: He was not so busie in attending the discourse of his own Company, but that he gave great attention to what was said by that Company who sat at the next table. He soon understood that their discourse was about Money; and that one of the Company expected _Two Hundred Pounds_ to be paid him by and by. He hearing that there was business of that consequence began to contrive within himself, how he might be Master of some of it; many contrivances he had, and many fancies ran in his brain, but none would do, none would take at present, however he and his Company still drank on, and that so long that the promised 200_l._ was brought thither and paid to the Person, who was there ready to receive it. The Money being paid, he who was now Master of it, delivers it to a servant that attended him, and ordered him to carry it home, and deliver it to his Mistres, he further observed that this Money was intended to be suddainly paid away again, for part of a Ship, which he then agreed with one of the Company to buy of him; and also he observed that the next day all the Company were to meet there again to participate of a Collation that the Person who had received the Money was to bestow on the rest. All these passages, and several others, as their Names, and the qualities of most of the Persons there present, he gained from the discourse he had heard. He being thus instructed was resolved to try his wits to the utmost, and if possible be Master of some of this Money, and that without the help, advice, or assistance of any other. He beats his brains about it all that night, and the next day making himself as spruce and fine as he could, and being laden with the rich Cargoe of _Twenty pieces_ of _Gold_, and sufficient spending Money besides, he sailed on to the _Exchange_, and there knowing several of the Yesterdays Company both by sight and name, he soon found out the Person who was to sell part of the Ship, and understanding that he was a Sea-Captain, who wanted Owners, he bore up to him, and tels him that he was willing to hold a part with him, whereupon the Captain invites him to their intended Dinner, and he accepting the invitation, and being come thither upon a farther discourse, he seemed pretty well content with the bargain, and told the Captain that at the next days Exchange he would resolve him about it. Their discourse being ended, Dinner was called for but it not being yet ready, he who was the Invitor seemed to be very angry for the delay, for said he, I commanded it to be ready between _One_ and _Two_, and now by my _Watch_ it is between _Two_ and _Three_, our Merchant seeing a _Watch_ drawn, said, I pray _Sir_ let me see it, and having it in his hand, highly commended it for its richness and good workmanship, for it had two Gold Cases, and desired to know the Price what it did cost, the Owner replyed _Twenty Pound_, I like it so well, replyed our Merchant, that I wish I had such another for the Price, (and continued he to the Owner) I shall be much obliged to you, if you will lend it me for _One_ Hour or _Two_, to shew it to my Watchmaker, who is now in hand with one for me; and _Sir_, that you may assure your self of the return of it to you, here is _Twenty Pieces_ of good old Gold, I will leave in your hands: When would you have it, replyed the Owner, even just now, said our Merchant, for I must needs step home instantly, and I can call on my Watch-maker, by the way, and when I return to you hither, which I promise you shall be within _two_ Hours, I will bring it and return it you. I, but _Sir_, said the Captain, I hope you will not leave us, but stay and Dine here, indeed I cannot, said our Merchant you must pardon me at present, an urgent affair calls me, but in _Two_ Hours I shall have dispatched it, and then I will return and drink a Glass of Wine with you. The Owner of the Watch seeing that he made these excuses, and not distrusting his Watch, as he had little reason to do, because he had more than the worth in his hands, delivered the Watch to our Counterfeit, who takes his leave, and calling a Coach, caused the Coach-man to drive directly to the house of the owner of the _Watch_; when he came there, he asked for the good Woman, and without any circumstantial discourse, tells her that he left her Husband in such a Tavern, with such Company, and that he had gone through with his bargain about the _Sixteenth_ part of such a Ship; that the Sum agreed upon was 100_l._ that the Captain who was to receive it had ordered it to him, who was now come for it; and Mistress (said he) I should give you such sufficient tokens for the delivery of it, as I hope you will do it without any distrust. Therefore in the first place, said he, the 100_l._ I must have, is part of 200_l._ your Husband did receive yesterday, and sent home to you by your Servant, and to convince you of the truth of all, as an infallible token, I have here brought your Husband’s _Watch_, and thereupon he drew it out, and shew’d it to her. She knowing that all he had said was true, and viewing the _watch_, & knowing that to be the same, and finding that he told his tale without any hesitation, stopping, or stamering, did not at all distrust him, but went up stairs & fetcht down the Money. He ordered the Coach-man to drive him to his Quarters, and there he secured the Money, and thanked his Stars for thus favourably assisting him in this affair, where he had come off without so much as a Rub, and that better than he expected, for he did suppose that to purchase this 100_l._ it would have cost him the Twenty Pieces of Gold,for he expected that the good Woman would have desired him to leave the _Watch_ behind with her, as her warrant for the delivery of the Money, which if she had, he could not have refused it, and now he had Money and _Watch_ too, wherefore having had so good success he was resolved to try his good fortune a little further, and therefore away he went to the Tavern, where he had left the Captain and Owner of the _Watch_.