Chapter VIII: Part 8

* * * * *

I had not so much Money but that I was very glad to save my small reckoning; returning to my Master, he was very jolly, resolving to lie ashore that night in _Graves-end_, and commanded me to attend him; not a drop of Wine would go down with him I observed without his Land-lady, which was a very lovely Woman, had she not been a little too fat: her Husband was the absolute picture of a Cuckold; it is strange that a man should read that name so legibly in any ones face.

Night coming on, my Master seem’d to be more drunk than he was, that he might the better excuse his so soon going to bed, desiring to take his repose, after I had pulled off his Shooes and Stockins, and he had all undrest himself, being between the Sheets, I tuckt in the Bedcloathes about him, and in so doing took an occasion to meet with his Breeches, and diving into the Pockets I conveyed away two half Crowns, and so shutting the Chamber door, I left him.

Going into the Kitchin, I called for Wine, some upon my Masters account, the rest upon my own charge; It was my good fortune to be alone with the Maid, all the rest of the Family (being late) were gone to bed.

The Maid (like the rest of the worst of House-wives, who work in the night and play in the day,) was making at that time a Smock for her self, and as I guess sate up somewhat the later, because she would completely finish it; I had made my self familiar with her, and taking this advantage to raise some petulant discourse; _Is this your Smock?_ said I, _Yes,_ she replyed, _then sure,_ said I, _you are very lavish of your Cloth to make it so wide; I will lay you five shillings, and you shall hold stakes, that it will contain us both, and to spare: How,_ said she, _I will lay you that wager if I never engage in another_; but the difficulty lay in this, that she saw there was a necessity that she must uncase as well as my self, and therefore seemed very unwilling so to do; But that she must lose the Crown if she did not, so she consented: having the Smock on, I crept into it, and absolutely cased my Arms in the same sleeves; hers were in before, my head peeping out at the bosom; but endeavouring to dis-ingage by the same means we had intangled our selves, we found it impossible, our Arms being extended like the wings of a _Spread Eagle_, nor could we contract or draw them to our bodies, in this plight we were in a good while, not knowing what to resolve on. At length with one joint consent we raised our Arms to the Tenter-hooks of the Shelf, (for though I was young, I was tall, and so was she,) and hanging the Sleeve thereon, we pull’d, thinking to draw it off that way; but striving with what strength we had left, we pull’d the shelf down, and all the Pewter ratling about our ears: This noise awakened the man of the House, and thinking to jog his Wife, found no such thing beside him; this startled him more; however he was resolved to see what it was, and therefore struck a light; but recalling himself as he was descending the stairs, he returned, thinking it would be safer (if Theeves were below,) to take my Master with him, and therefore goes to his Chamber door, which he found open, and entring the room, found his wife in bed with him fast asleep; whilst he was about to waken them, we below were struggling to get loose, and stumbling upon the shelf fallen, we fell over it upon the Dishes, which made as great a noise as the former; this hastned him to wake them, reproving his Wife for her carelesness more than looseness, and telling them there were Thieves in the House; my Master got up and went down with his Landlord to see what the matter was in the Kitchen: They had no sooner entred the door but they were strangely amazed to see one Body with two Heads; approaching nearer, my Master knew one Head to be his mans, and the other to be his Landlords Maids: with much difficulty they they took this Flesh Pudding out of the Bagg; it being midnight we were not examined then, but deferred till the next morning: in the mean time they consulted together; and it was agreed upon between the Landlord and his Wife, that conditionally my Master would forgive me, they would their Maid, and never foolishly proclaim their shame to the world which now lay in their powers to conceal. This adventure staid us longer ashore than we intended, but at length getting aboard, we sailed up to _Eriff_, where we Anchored two or three days for some private business our Master had, _&c._ and from thence we went directly up the River, and came to an Anchor over against _Shadwell-Dock_.

CHAP. XIII.

_He buyes a Horse in_ Smithfield, _he is basely cheated in the goodness
by the Horse-Courser, the manner how; he discants on his own ill
Horsemanship as he is a Sea-man. He rides to_ Maiden-head, _his
Landlady loseth a Diamond Ring, he invents an incomparable exploit to
restore it her again._

My Master being an eminent Sea-man, and faithful to his trust, had no sooner cleared his Ship, but had immediately another Voyage offered him to _Virginia_, returning home in safety, the next he made was to the _Streights_; I was there with him several times at _Legorn_, twice in the _West Indies_, and twice at the _Canaries_; by this time my Apprentiship was expired, which I went through with so much satisfaction to my Master, notwithstanding a thousand Rogueries I committed in that time, that in our next Voyage which was to _Guinny_, I was advanced to the dignity of a _Cockswain_. Whereupon the long boat was committed to my Charge, and when any occasion served, I had my Crew always ready for the skiff; I understood my place quickly, and behaved my self in it, that our _Boat Swain_ dying, I was constituted in his place; now was my care increased, for I had charge of all the Rigging, Masts, and Sails, with many other matters of consequence. I have heard my Master say twenty times, that he had rather hear me when we were weighing Anchor (our Men being at the Capston) cry _heave clearly my boys_, than a noise of Musick, for I had a strong yet pleasant voice, and I tun’d it to some purpose when the Anchor was almost a peek. In this imployment I made two Voyages to _Guinny_, the last thereof was so succesful that I was resolved upon my return to take the pleasures of the Land, and no places would serve my turn, but those wherein I had received so much disgrace and punishment.

In _Smithfield, London_, I bought an Horse, he did so caper with the Fellow that rid him, that I feared this pamper’d beast would be to skittish, for a Sailer, that never bestrid any living Creature; the Horse cost me six Pound and a Crown, I could not get the punctuality of his Rogueship to bate me the odd Mony, though in three days time forty shillings proved the utmost value of this great bargain. It was a very fair day when I set forward in my journey towards _Bristol_, and because the Streets were then dry, and no symptoms in the Heaven of any approaching Rain, I vainly thought there would be no occasion for Boots those intollerable cloggs of a nimble footed Sea-man. I mounted not without some dread and fear that this prancing Palfry would run away with his Master, but contrary to all expectation, I found the creature calm enough, being ready to lie down as I was getting up; much ado I had to get him to go till I had almost buryed my Heel-spur in his belly, and then he made a shift to trot; but Founder-foot on a suddain running a head, I was like to have been overset. The talness of my Horse did shew what an Ass I was to be so cheated; I might have known that within less than an hour after I had bought him, for in stead of Excrements, he evacuated an Eel at his posteriors, which I believe was conveyed into him alive by the subtle Horse courser, to make him for the present more lively and sprightful. With much difficulty I got him to _Maiden-head_ that day; the next proving raining, my business did not require such haste, but that I might stay a day or two for fair weather.

I had Money enough, the sight whereof did strangely quicken the attendance of the Servants of the House, and my liberal expence commanded both my Land-lord and Land-ladies company; and that I might continue their society, I was incessant in the calling for Wine. My Land-lady was pre-ingaged in the company of several Gallants, so that I was like to have little of it, had it not been for an accident that befell her, which brought her into my Room where my Land-lord was. It seems one of the Gentlemen espyed a Ring on her Finger with a very fair Rose of Diamonds in it, and desiring her to let him see it for the excellency thereof; she condescended, continuing her conceited discourse, which she raised on purpose, to shew what an esteem she had for her imaginary wit, and fancy; this Gentleman delivered the Ring to another, he to a third, that man conveyed it to a fourth that were troubled with the same curiosity; but at the last it came into the hands of one that was very loath it should go any further, since it had almost past round; She being this while so busie in her tittle tattle, that she neither minded how it was canvast about, or in the least mist it off her Finger: She left the room several times, and returned; but in fine she found the loss of her Ring, not knowing whether it was restored to her by that person she lent a sight thereof, and had dropt it, or if not restored, she was ignorant of the Man, and therefore durst not tax any one particularly. I have known many a thing, as a Silver Tobacco box, _&c._ left carelesly upon a Table which hath been taken up in jest, but kept in earnest.

* * * * *

She was so puzzled she knew not what to do; and not knowing how to remedy her self, she was resolved to play the perfect Woman, _sit down and cry_; which she did in that pitiful manner, that I admired how any mans heart could be so hard, not to exchange a few inconsiderable Diamonds for so many inestimable Pearls that dropt from her eyes. Every one stiffly denyed the unworthiness of the detention, and seemed somewhat displeased that their glowing gallantry should be suspected of an act so ungentile and unhandsom. Seeing there was no help, and she could not conceal the loss from her Husband, she came where we were, that we might in her sad relation commiserate and condole her great affliction.

I gave much heed to every circumstance of her doleful story, and minded it so well, that I fancy’d I had a project in my head which would give her assistance. _Come Madam,_ said I, _there is a Plot which I have just now contrived, which if it take effect, you shall give me a Bottle of Canary, if not, it will be no harm for you to make a tryal._

She was very glad to hear of any proposition that might carry in it the hopes of getting her Ring again, and therefore freely promised me any thing. _Why then_ said I, _Go into your former company, but first dry your eyes, and express all seeming joy imaginable, and tell those that are inquisitive as to the cause of this suddain alteration, that you have found your Ring again, and then mark diligently that man who cunningly conveys his hand into his own Pocket my life for you that man hath the Ring._ Following my advice, she re-entred her former Room, and counterfeiting an excessive joy; _O Gentlemen your pardon,_ said she, _I have found my Ring!_ Observing the company heedfully, she perceiv’d one stole down his hand into his Pocket, to feel whether the Ring was there, imagining, upon the hearing what she said, his Pocket had been pickt. _Where is the Ring I pray Madam_, said one, and where did you find it? _Here Sirs,_ said she, _have I found it, for this Gentleman hath now the Ring in his hand_, which she forceably drew out of his Pocket, and so the Ring appear’d to his great shame and discredit. Her gratitude for my succesful council did that night so Sack the Garrison of my understanding, that all my Senses _pro tempore_ suffer’d in their general devastation.

CHAP. XIV.

_He is like to to be robb’d in_ Maiden-head Thicket. _He tells a notable
story of a Tapster and another at Play in_ Redding. _At_ Newberry, _a
Horse which he rode upon Tryal in the Streets, ran away with him
unpaid for; at_ Bristol _he ran away with a pair of Boots then wanting
them; he rides for_ Excester, _where he won a considerable sum of his
Host at Play._

The great store of Rain that fell, and made the High-ways like Hasty Pudding, by which means though I rid in Shooes and Stockins, yet I was sufficiently be-booted with dirt. I rid over the Common melancholy alone, but coming to _Maiden-Head Thicket_, there was company enough such as I liked not by any means, and now _Gramercy Horse_, for had not he looked as scurvily as I rid bootlesly scandalous, I had undoubtedly been robb’d; never was poor Horse, and beastly Man so survey’d before, by Devils I think, for their Faces by their Vizard-Masques seemed every whit as black. Escaping that danger, I got the second days journey to _Reading_, alighting, I fell all along, for I had kickt away my Leggs in riding thither, Never did I find the difference till now of riding on a Yard-arm, and on the sharp-ridg’d back of a surfeited Jade; I had not so much skin left upon my Breech as would make a white patch for an _Ethiopian_ Lady of Pleasure. Here I lay three days to recover the damage my posteriors had sustained by riding my wooden Horse. In which time I observed but little remarkable, but a Tapsters Playing with a fellow of the Town for Money in a little By Ale-House, where was sold incomparable Ale, which I found out by the information of a Coblar, the reflection of whose face would have afforded light enough to an Ale-house at Mid-night.

* * * * *

I was a spectator on their Play, and glad I was of this opportunity, to divert my self in a strange place. The Tapster in a little time had lost to the other the price of 2 Barrels of Beer, which so inraged him, it being his all, that nothing could perswade him but that he was cheated of his Money, that he napt on him, and I know not what, and swore he would have every penny of his Mony before he should stir from the place. The other told him that he had won it fairly, and therefore would as surely keep it; hereupon the Tapster struck up his heels, and to work he went with him, the fellow seeing his drift that he would dispossess him of his Money, got as much as he could privately out of his Pocket, and clapt it into his mouth cramming it almost full. The Tapster was amazed to find so little in his Pockets, and therefore made all the Privy search he could, which was all to no purpose, so that he concluded the fellow was little less than a Conjurer, after that he had tired himself with beating and kicking his Carkass, he did let him rise, the fellow for all his seeming resolution at first took this basting very patiently, and would have been gone willingly to avoid the second part of the same tune, had not the Tapster laid hold on him, saying, _Nay faith t’other box in the ear, and ’tother kick on the breech, and go and be damn’d_, so lifting his hand up, gave him a cuff on the face, that by the Noise of what dropt out of his Mouth, I verily believed he had not only struck out all his teeth, but had also fractur’d in pieces his jaw-bones; but I soon was convinced of the contrary, when I lookt on the Ground, for there lay the Mony scattered which in his Mouth he had secured. I never stood considering what was to be done, since I saw a little time was soon lost, so that blowing out the Candle, I fell a scrambling with the Tapster, who had got the start of me, however I made my party good with him, and was not behind with him in my share, and so slipt out, leaving the poor fellow to hold his bleeding chops, which were cut through by a piece of Money, and the Tapster in _tenebris_ to sum up his losses. Leaving this Town I found that I had more Money going out of it than I brought into it, and so I merrily rode on to _Newberry_. Here my jaded Beast gave up the Ghost, it was time for us to part, for we were both weary of one the other. Money soon procured me the sight of another, but exceeding different from the former, as the one was exceeding dull and heavy, this was all air, and fiery, no ground would hold him as it is usually said; this Horse was brought me to look on, the Seller riding him in my sight with all the studied advantages a double Jury of Jockies could invent; dismounting, I was desired to make tryal of him my self, which I had no mind to do, for I dislik’d that in him, which another would have liked extremely, his extraordinary mettle, however, that I might not be laught at, I adventured to cross his back, but I was scarce settled in the Saddle, when this understanding Beast knowing by my sitting him, that he had a foolish and unskilful governour to deal withal, grew headstrong, flew away with me like lightning, for my part I thought I had got the _Devil_ between my leggs, and that I was riding Post upon some Hellish design. I knew quickly whom I had to deal withal, a thing that would have his will, and therefore thought it a piece of impudence to curb his extravagant running; knowing well that that pace would not last alwayes.

* * * * *

I gave him his head, let him go which way, and as fast as he pleased; in troth he was better acquainted with the Road than his Master, and would not be perswaded out on’t by any such ignorant Hawl-bowling as my self; that night my Horse, and I, (for I must give his Horseship the preheminence) came to _Marlbrough_; entring the Town, he went directly to his Inn, and was known to the Hostler, calling him by some familiar term, I know not what now; and askt me whether the Horse was mine, I replyed that he was so, that I had bought him the day before at _Newberry_: and why should not I own him, since he intitled me by running away with me, not I with him; and since by an unexpected chance I had a benefit thrown into hands, I was resolved to make use of it, and so I did for the next day, very early I rode away with him for _Bristol_, never hearing of the right owner since: his heat and fury by this time were pretty well qualified, and could ride him then my own pace, where as before I would willingly condescend to have had a leg or an arm broke, to have secured the bone of my neck.

* * * * *

_Bristol_, the place of my nativity I entred with a strange confidence, if you remember how I was born, and what roguish exploits I acted during my abode in that City; but as good luck would have it, as length of time had altered my countenance, so it had quite obliterated the memory of my former nefarious actions. Here did I spend my Money in all manner of riot and excess, finding a many jovial boon blades, although for the most part very strict and precise; and though none are permitted any thing late to tipple, yet there is time enough in the day to spend the Cargo of an _East-India-man_, especially if a man hath nothing else to do. The natural love I had to this place made me insensibly stay much longer than I intended, and though I was some weeks there, nothing occur’d worth the taking notice of, but furnishing my self with a pair of Bootes. My money began to grow somewhat low, so that I saw there was a necessity of removing thence; the inconveniences I was put to for want of Boots, made me resolve to try how I might procure them without either money or credit; I ponder’d with my self, and took many a walk in the _Marsh_, yet could project no feasible way to obtain my ends. I pitcht upon this at last; evening the account with my Landlord, I caused the Hostler to saddle my Horse and bring him out, mounting, I rid him to a quite contrary part of the City, where I lay, (my lodging was near the Castle, and I rode to the higher end of _Ratcliff-street_,) near the Gate, I tyed my Horse, and walkt down again backward where I observed some Shooe-makers, entring one of their Shops, I askt the Master thereof to shew me some Boots he did, and withal fitted me; having both the Boots on, I talked to him about the price, I refusing to give so much since they were too dear, he protesting on the other side that he would not abate a farthing, stepping to the Threshold (as if I intended to settle my feet in them) I started, though not fairly, running with all my speed, the Shooe-maker thought it was to no boot for him to stand still, whilst I was in action; wherefore leaving his shop, he betook himself to his heels, crying out as he ran, _stop him, stop him; Stop me not,_ quoth I, _we run for a Wager, and I give him the advantage of running in Shooes against my self in these heavy Boots_; hearing me say so, they gave way which I repeated to every one as I came near them; they encouraging me, crying out, _O brave Boots, O brave Boots_; Others animating the other with _O brave Shooes, O brave Shooes_; getting to my Horse, I mounted him, and without Spurs, for he needed none, I rode clear through _Ratcliff-gate_, and was soon out of sight, and never since heard of my Shooe-maker.

I was resolved to cross the Countrey for my better securing my self from my Horse-merchant, and so directed my Course to _Exeter_, where I was resolved to continue till I had increased my store. I was fearful of venturing on Robbing, and therefore my design was solely bent on cheating, having not been yet arrived to the height of understanding the ruinating Mystery of Gaming; my Land-lord was a very jolly associate, and delighted much in my company, in that I fitted his humour so well: we often walkt together, and by our converse broad grew intimately familiar, insomuch that if I were in the house, he was hardly out of my company. Frequently we diverted our selves with _Tom Fools Games_, as they call them, _Dubblets_, _Size Ace_, _Back Sir Hugh_, _Catch Dolt_, &c. For neither of us could play at any thing else with the Dice, unless _Old Sim_.

* * * * *

It was my good fortune one day to play with him for a bottle of Wine at _Sise Ace_, which I won of him, and after that another, and in conclusion so many, that we were forced to call for assistance, which we could not want long, if men in this latter Age did not Apostatize by declining the powerful invitations of good wine. These Spungers by exhausting our Liquor inflamed the Reckoning, and that still kindled in us a desire to play on: I was the sole Conquerour; and seeing that he could not deal with me for the Reckoning, he propounded to me whether I would play with him for a Tester, I seeing how vext he was that he had lost so many Bottles, consented to humour him in any thing that was reasonable, not believing but that fortune would not withdraw her wonted favours from me. He losing still; from six pence, we doubled the stakes, and to be short, we gradually augmented them till we played for an Angel a Game, (may they always be tutelary to me, and be my Guardians from the insufferable torments of a despicable necessity,) from an Angel, to a Piece, till I had left him not a Piece to play with me, having won threescore and upward. Being a young man, he begg’d of me to conceal his loss, lest by the Proclaiming my good success, I detriment his credit; for he was so rational as to know that Gaming, as it surely stabs a mans Reputation, so in process of time it will cut the throat of his Estate, though very considerable.

I promised him I would do it though to no purpose, for the Standers by were the Publishers of those ill tidings, which will spread abroad themselves like a Pestilence. Now I thought it highly requisite to put my self into a better garb, and invest my self with such ornaments as might become a Gentleman, which I intended to personate. I accommodated my self with a Sword, and did not forget Spurs to my new Boots. Being thus bravely equipt _Cap a pee_; I grew weary of this City, and so left it, and my Landlord to his better Fortune.

* * * * *

The next place I set up my Standard, was in _Salisbury_; my generous deportment and gallant habiliments adapted me for the best of company, and the relation of my Travails, not as a _Tarpawlin_, but a wealthy young Heir, did infinitely please them: So that if I were in a Coffee-house at any time, though I entred in singly, I should have it filled with variety of Guests to hear those _admiranda_ wonderful things that I had observed abroad: I was the Mouth of the house, and what I reported was received as an Oracle, I made two Fellows one time confidently believe, that _Pindennis_ Castle, if well mann’d and rigg’d, would make a brave Man of War of the First Rate, and that _Pen-men maure in Wales_, and _Hoath_ in _Ireland_ were nere met in consultation how to prevent the turbulency of their Northern neighbourhood from incroaching on their Trade of _Herring-Fishing_.

CHAP. XV.

_At_ Salisbury _he comes acquainted with a young man, who relates to him
the_ Breviate _of his life, and instructs him in the most usual Games
at Dice, with all the subtle deceivers that belong to them, and the
dangers that attend them, with a short account of their
Practitioners._

My Reputation in this City increased daily, so that I was now at liberty to pick and choose my company, I mean from the middle sort of people, which I knew how to delude, whereas I was not so ignorant, but that men of better breeding and learning would by my discolouring, Sea-faring hands, and illiterate tongue find out the imposture of my crafty pretences. I had a sufficient stock of confidence to manage those natural parts which some (flatteringly I doubt) highly commended. The younger sort of People were the Persons I selected to associate my self withal, and had in that little time gain’d so large an interest in them, that he offered me too little, I should have thought, that would think to buy my propriety therein for an hundred a year. Hunting and Hawking were my dayly Recreations; when we returned home, Drinking and Whoring were our nightly exercises; and because I was a stranger as I had the preheminence in most things, so I always paid the least share of any in the reckoning.

* * * * *

There was one strange Gentleman who usually accompanied us, whom I particularly observed to have more than common qualifications; quick-witted, well spoken, sung incomparably, but had the repute of a notorious Gamester; and well he might, for he had bit both City and Countrey of considerable sums, so that now being generally known for a Rook, none durst play with him, yet fancied his company very much. This Gentleman I singled out, and discourst him throughly as to every thing: And that I might engage him to a greater freedom, I forged several lies, charging him with secrecy; this seeming unbosoming my self obliged him to give me an account of what he was, and for what reasons he came there in this manner.

* * * * *

_Sir,_ said he, _I was formerly an Apprentice in_ London, _and by reason of my Masters covetous and ill nature and severity from him, I had not served him two years e’re I was upon the ramble, (a term of Art frequently used amongst us;) my Parents with some charge and much intreaty sawdred up this first crack; but this sore was not so well cured, but by reason of the inward corruption it broke out again, and now was the Malady worse than ever, for my Master would not receive me on any terms, notwithstanding the various perswasions of my friends for that purpose. My Relations seeing this, and being throughly perplex’t exercised all their passions on me, and instead of reducing me, took a course to ruine and destroy me: for they seemingly cast me out of all favour, which I judged to be real, and having no other dependance than my Wits (my poverty having frighted all my former friends from coming near me,) I resolved for a sustenance to make what use I could of them._

_As long as my money lasted, I frequented all places for Gaming exercises, and now and then some Bawdy-houses, in which I had goten a large acquaintance; but having spent all I had, I could get no credit among them, only in one house, where they had so much credulity to believe my Lies to be infallible Truths, and that I should receive in a little time those several Sums were due to me abroad, and would have the honesty to pay my large account. Money not coming as they expected, laid an Action on my back, and threw me into Goal, where I suffered more than tongue can utter; but I shall not disclose the name of this Gaoler, since I shall give you an account of some lines I wrote on him whilst I was his Prisoner, which were these_;

_This Gaoler sure the Devil gave him birth,
For no such Fury hath his seat on Earth:
A Cannibal which eats the Flesh of Men,
And being gorged, spews than up again.
A Monster that the old World never knew,
Of late produc’d by a litigious crew,
Spawn of a Syren and Leviathan:
Part Fish, part Fowl, part Devil, and part Man.
He Swallows down the poor, as Crows do Frogs,
And makes no more of Men, than Men of Dogs.
The Pris’ner ends his days in toil and sweat,
To fill the Cabbins of his Cabbinet.
This Cash being ravisht from his reaking brow,
Will be all spent the Devil knows not how.
His Celler’s Hell, he lives by other’s sin,
And cares not who doth loose so he may win.
His Beds are dearer than a Bawdy-house,
There you may have a Whore, but here a Louse.
This is that Hell-hound for to sum up all,
Who is both Monster, Devil, and Canniball._

_In this stinking place I stayed so long till I was almost starved, yet though I had nothing to feed on, I had daily a thousand which fed on me. The Daughter of my merciless Creditor hearing the miserableness of my condition gave me a visit, and supplyed me with some Money for the present, and repeating her visits, pity did at last turn into affection; this Love soon seeded into Matrimony; for she was her Mothers Darling, and could perswade her to anything, and so it proved, for she so prevailed, that I was discharged of my Debt, Fees paid, new Cloaths bought, and we incontinently marryed. I knew her to be a Whore, but necessity forced me to do what I did, or I must have perisht._

_My Wife on the Bridal night expected no new thing from me, but a new fashioned duty; for she told me, if I expected to command, I was grosly mistaken; that she raised me not out of that Tomb I must have lain buryed in to my lives end, for that purpose, she knew how to rule her own affairs without my assistance, however she could not but acknowledge that man was a necessary implement in a Family, if it were but to cloak his Wives imperfections; To be short, Sir, I was only a Titular master, but a real Pimp and Cuckold; I bore all with a world of patience, still waiting an opportunity to get what I could, and march off: which fell out as happily as I could wish; for the House was noted to be a place of debauchery, and whilst my mother in Law was condemned for a damn’d Bawd, and my Wife for an errant piece of impudence, I was pityed by all as one drawn in and undone by them both._

_Officers in fine seised them; and carried them to_ Bridewel, _being both safe from interrupting my fixed resolution, I ransackt the house, taking what Moneys I found, and selling what would yield me any, I betook my self to this place, the remoteness whereof from my former habitation affording me a very convenient refuge. Whilst I have been in these parts I have not expended my time idly; for in Gaol and elsewhere I have learned most knacks in playing I have ever heard of, and have practiced them in many places very advantagiously, for I was a while of a Gang that stroled all the Countrey over, to all the great Fairs in_ England, _resorting thither as constantly, as such Tradesmen who make it their business to observe them, exercising their cheating faculties on all they can pick up fit for their company: the reason why they go three or four in Company, is, that if any contest in playing should arise, or any opposition should be made, they may be the better able to defend their Roguery. Besides, if they should miss of a prize, and be smoakt as Gamesters, they are then strong enough for mischiefs of another nature, as_ Padding, Ken-milling, _&c. and indeed let me tell you, there is no profest Villain which hath not a very great insight in Gaming, and know not only what advantages naturally accrue from every Game, but know how to make them when occasion shall require._

_Since my coming hither I have very illy managed my successes; for I have won too many times without the interposition of one single loss of my own, which hath raised in my Gamesters a suspition of me not to be taken off; by which means I have lost all future hopes of bubbling them any more; But since, Sir, you stand fair in their good opinion, if you please to let me share with you, I shall inform you not only with my Art, but also furnish you with Tools which shall effect our design and increase our store. But before I shall encourage you to learn that which I now propound for your profit, give me leave to acquaint you with the inconveniencies, dangers, and perplexities which attend Gaming, lest hereafter you condemn me for your rash learning that which you would have trampled under your feet, had you known the many dangerous concomitants which continually wait thereon._

_To speak generally, Gaming is an enchanting Witchery begot betwixt a couple of Devils, Idleness and Avarice: it so infatuates man, that it renders him incapable of prosecuting his more serious affairs, and makes him to quarrel with his condition though ever so good: if he wins, the success so elevates him, that his mad joys carry him to the height of all excesses; if he loses, his misfortune plunges him to the bottom of Despair. Oh how I have seen a man cast up his eyes, as if he intended to call Heaven to account for its injustice, in not giving him that Cast he so much desires. Nay, I heard one of no small note in an ordinary publickly invoke the Devil, (upon his throwing at all, that is, all the men lies on the Table) that he would turn up Five, which was his Chance, and he should have his Soul for the next throw, an expression enough to make the hair of the vilest reprobate to stand on end._

_It was said of one, that_ nec bonam, nec malam fortunam ferre potest, _that both in good and bad fortune he was ever restles._ Marcellus _could neither be quiet as Conquerour, nor overcome. Thus such is the damn’d itch of Play, Gamesters are never satisfyed winning or loosing, if they win, they hope to increase their store, if they loose their Money they hope to recover it again._

_The question was wittily propounded by one, whether Men in a Ship at Sea were to be accounted_ inter mortuos, vel vivos, _among the living, or the dead, because there were but few Inches between them and drowning. The_ Quære _is not improper to be made of great Gamesters, though their Estates be never so considerable, whether they are to be esteemed_ Divites vel Pauperis, _poor or rich, since there are but a few Casts at Dice betwixt a person of Fortune, (in that circumstance) and a Begger._

* * * * *

_Now if you intend to be a Gamster, what ever your success be, you must bear it_ æquo animo, _neither raised or depressed; but I will assure you that it is a difficult matter so to do, for this course of life will try your patience. Would it not mad you to have so strange a fortune, as with a very small Sum to run up to Eighteen hundred pounds, and loose it again with his small stock in less than three days? I knew one with Fifty Shillings, win Five hundred pounds of his own at one time in his life, and thereupon putting himself into a Garb not mis-becoming an Earl, played again, the Dice ran against him, lost every penny he had, or could borrow; hereupon he grew stark mad, and hang’d himself in his own Bed-cord. There are as many examples of this nature as would stuff a Quire of Paper, and as many as would fill a Ream of such who having had fair Estates, in few years have lost them at Play, and dyed in want and Penury. I have heard it credibly reported, that a Gentleman belonging to the_ Six Clerks Office, _who was only well cliented, but had a good Estate of his own, and by him always a considerable sum of Money; this Gentleman was invited to play by some young Gallants that had a great desire to be fingring his_ Jacobus’s _with whom he engaged, and by extraordinary fortune won two thousand pieces of Gold, was not content with that round sum, but plaid on, lost all, with his own Estate, sold his place in the Office; and lost that too; at last, through excessive grief, he transported himself to a Forreign Plantation, where, if his discontent dispatch him not, he must be forced to Hoe for a livelihood. This commonly is the destiny of a decayed Gamester, if not this, he is seldom preferr’d higher than to the dignity of a Box keeper._

_Lastly, before you take the Dice in your hand, think of drawing your Sword before you leave off Playing; for should you play upon the Square, you will be suspected by those that loose, you have knapt, or put the change of the Dice upon them; then right or wrong they will quarrel with you, more for the vexation of the loss, than for any just cause they had for so doing: If you do not fall together by the ears then in the very heat, you will have affronts enough to engage you in the Field next morning, upon some trifling insignificant occasion, deem’d as a_ punctilio _of Honour, or else timely put up those abuses which will occasion you to be scorn’d and slighted, and at last pist on as you walk the streets by every Party Coat coloured Skip-kennel._

CHAP. XVI.

An account of Play, with several remarkable Occurrences.

T_hus I have told you what you must expect, and now I shall inform you what to do; but if e’re you think to be complete in this occult Art, you must by frequent trials reduce my Theory into your Practice._

_In the first place, take this as a_ Maxim, _never Play, but when you are sure to win and that you might not fail thereof, have you Dice about you continually of all sorts, which you may buy in_ London _at several places ready made to your hand, but very dear: It may be when you are in the Countrey, you cannot be supplied from thence so speedily as your urgent affairs require, and therefore I would have you make them your self._

_There are_ Fullams _of two sorts, which you may make run high or low, that is,_ 6, 5, 4, _or_ 3, 2, 1. _either by drilling holes in the black spots, and load them with Quick-Silver, stopping up again the said holes with Pitch, or filling the Corners of the Dice. You may procure also, (which you must have Implements as necessary in your intended Profession, as Tools are for any working occupation) I say, there are Dice which you may get, which will run nothing but a Sise, another a Cinque, another a Quatre,_ &c. _which are very useful at Tables: for if you want a Cinque, or so to enter at_ Back gammon _or_ Irish, _hitting that Blot at an after-game, you recover again, and ten to one but you win the Game; besides, it is useful for a single Hit at_ Ticktack, _or for taking points, by joyning two together of a different sort._

_In case of necessity if you have none of these artificial helps about you, then your hand must supply your wants, by Palming the Die; that is, having your Box in your hand, you take up both the Dice as they are thrown nimbly within the hollow of your hand, and put but one into the Box, reserving the other in your Palm, observing with a quick eye what side was upward, and so accordingly conform the next throw to your purpose, by delivering that in the Box, and the other in your hand smoothly together. You must sometimes use Topping; that is, by pretending to put both Dice into the Box, whereas you have dropt but one, holding the other between your fore-fingers, which you turn to your advantage. Knapping, is when you strike one Die dead, either at Tables or Hazzard let the other run a Milstone, as we use to say. Slurring, is when you throw your Dice so smoothly on the Table that they turn not, for which purpose you must endeavour to choose your Table or the smoothest part thereof. There are very few that can secure more than one Die, but I have known some so excellent at it, that they would slurr a Sise without turning above a yard in length; others I have known, who could secure two Dice in three at Passage, but that is seldom seen. I have heard of some so dextrous in casting the Dice, that they would throw when they pleased less than_ Ames Ace, _through the handle of a Quart Pot._

* * * * *

Hazzard, In and In, _and_ Passage _are the principal Games in an Ordinary, you may find Professors enough thereof every where else, wherefore it is requisite to pass through these several Clashes for fear of being Cross-bitten or bubbled by some other dexterity, of which they have variety unimaginable._ Hazzard, _is a Game that maketh a quick riddance on one side or other, and therefore it hath not its name given improperly: for it ruinateth speedily, in Setting or Buttring (a term of art is used among us,) one or other is blown up immediately._

A Main _at_ Hazzard, _is that cast of the Die which is thrown first, but then it must be above Four, and less than Ten, otherwise it is no Main; so that hence you may understand there are five Mains,_ 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, _to these Mains there are seven Chances,_ 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, _and_ 10. Ames Ace, _and_ Duce Ace, _are general outs or losses to them all; Eleven is out to_ 5, 6, 8, _or_ 9; _Twelve is out to_ 5, 7, _or_ 9; _but it nicks_ 6, _or_ 8, _as_ 11, _doth_ 7, _and so doth_ 5, _nick_ 5, _and so on to_ 9; _after the second throw, the cast that comes first wins. At_ Hazzard _the cunning Gamester will pray it may be Quatre Ace against Cinque Duce, or Tray Ace against Cinq Tray; you had need be well verst before you meddle with this, it being very hazzardous. Though twenty at a Table set you, you may knock with your Box but at one, and then all the rest draw their Money; as many as you knock to you must pay if you loose; if you throw at all, winning, you sweep all; O the sweet that is in that throw, when a man upon the success of that nick shall boldly cry_ more Money Gentlemen, _although the Table is covered with Half-Crowns. If you sett, and the Caster refuse you, if another_ cover _you, and you accept theereof, it is one and the same thing._

* * * * *

_At_ In and In _you play with four Dice, you may drop from one shilling to a pound;_ In, _is when any two Doublets appear: Out, when none;_ In and In, _when three Aces, three Duces, &c. or four of one sort._

* * * * *

_At_ Passage _you are to play with three Dice; you cannot Pass unless you throw Doublets above Nine, less than nine you are out; all other throws signifying nothing, you must thrown on. What other criticismes and crotchets there are in these Games, you cannot understand, otherwise than by observation in your practice; but as I told you at first, it is best not to meddle with it at all._

* * * * *

Hereupon my Gentleman took several Dice out of his Pocket, and throwing them, I saw he could make them run as he listed; my fingers itched to be at the sport, so that I spent the most part of every day in consulting what advantages I could find out in Play: nay, in the very night I was never at rest for dreaming of these confounded Devils bones: the indefatigable pains I took (to find out the ready way to my destruction,) made me speedily an accomplisht Gamester; and to show my Master how I had improv’d my self from his dictations, I engaged with him at single hand, he entring the List with me, found himself equally, if not overmatcht.

Hereupon he perswaded me to study how I might contrive an opportunity to Play, when at one bout we might both sow and reap a plentiful crop, that might help to a future maintenance. The Plott I laid at a Gentlemans House five miles distance from _Salisbury_, where I was invited to be merry, with orders to bring what friends I pleased with me; you may be sure I carried none but what had Money enough, otherwise no company for me. Being met together, we were very jovial, and amidst our cups, I propounded to throw with Dice, who should drink a Glass; it was agreed on; being all half boozie, I made another proposition to play at _Hazzard_ round for a Crown and no farther; this motion took as well as the former, and to work we went.

To be short, I won all their Moneys, hardly leaving our Entertainer a penny in the House; and fearing he should recruit the next day, and so farther engage me, my new Comrade perswaded me to trip off, and share, for it was reasonable he should go snips with me; I therefore caused my Horse to be brought forth, and notwithstanding the many thousand perswasions to the contrary, (rewarding the Servants) I took my leave of them, promising to give what Revenge they pleased the next day, but that was none of our intent, for early the next morning, we with our booty rode for _London_.

CHAP. XVII.

_They go for_ London, _one is apprehended and the other in his flight
casually doth two or three mischiefs; the strange discovery of a
Murther of seventeen years standing._

Here puft up with good fortune, we scattered our Moneys up and down the City, trampling the streets in terrour and huffing after a strange rate: but coming along by _South-Hampton_ Building an aged Matron seized on my Elbow-shaking Companion, crying out this is the Rogue that robb’d me; I hearing that betook my self to my heels fearing lest being found in his company, I might be taken up for his accounts in the Theft. I made more hast than good speed it seems, for in my flight I bore down all that opposed me; insomuch that a poor Woman with a basket of Eggs standing in my way, I overthrew her and breaking her Eggs utterly undid the Woman, her whole stock consisting in that basket. A fellow seeing this endeavoured to lay hold on me, but I struggling to disingage my self from him pusht him forward on his Nose and falling, fell into an old Womans deep Codling Pan up to the Armpits, it being almost full of newly scalded apples, never was Codlings so handled, nor man so becodled as he was, the almost boyling water so tormented him, that he roared as bad as the fellow which was inclosed in _Phalarus_ his Bull; fearing the mischief I had done I added new wings to my speed, but not looking before me, I ran directly against a Ladder in my way, on which there was a labouring man carrying up Morter to the top, but he was stopt in his intent, for though he went up by the Ladder, he came down without a Roop, his Morter falling on the heads of four finical Gentlewomen as they past by, who now might properly be called Morter-Pieces, the Ladder fell easily and gradually from the house to a Sign Post, the Man holding fast by one of the rounds, this while receiving little or no dammage, to the wonder and astonishment of all the Spectators. However I was detain’d, and none coming against me, nor accusing me for anything but the Woman with her Eggs, and the old Woman for the dammage she had sustained by the mashing of her Codlings; the fellow for being scalded by them, and this man that charged me most with supposition of loosing his life by my means I was dismist, giving to each what satisfaction I Judged convenient.