Chapter IX: Part 9

What became of my _Come-at seven_ I know not, but glad I was to be clear’d from this fright: thus it is to have a guilty Conscience; a man I have heard of, who flew in a Moon-shine night from his own shaddow, thinking it to be a Devil that haunted his wicked carcass: Another more remarkable I have heard much talk of, who having murdered a man in _London_, fled into Forreign Parts, and living to and fro eighteen years, returning home again as he walked one day through _Cheap-side_, he heard a cry behind him, stop him, stop him, seeing a great quantity of People making towards him, presently fell a running with all the speed he could, the rabble seeing two run as if it were for their lives, divided themselves and in their pursuit they took the Thief they chiefly run after, and seizing the Gentleman who run they knew not for what, he cryed out, pray be civil Gentlemen it is confest I am the man; upon farther enquiry found him from his own mouth to be a Murderer of near twenty years standing.

Gaming had so general a possession of me, that I could think of nothing else, and because I could not always meet in my ramble in the City with such as suited my purpose: I frequented ordinaries where I never mist of good chear, nor variety of Company. For about one of the Clock you are sure to have an excellent dinner provided by way of ordinary; where you shall have so many choice dishes and wine, that the Master is always a looser in his entertainment what cares he for that? the box shall make all good again. Gentlemen of quality and civility frequent this Table, and after dinner will play a while for Recreation moderately and commonly without deserving reproof, but the generality of such as meet there are _Wit-shifters_. Some have frequented the house to eat only there being such excellent provision, and cheaper than they can get elsewhere, and never play at all only look on, but being once taken notice of they shall have small encouragement to come again.

Here I came acquainted and did so commonly frequent all houses of this function, that I shall endeavour to give you an account of what I either acted or observed in the time of my converse amongst these Esquires of the Elbow.

CHAP. XVIII.

_He here discovers the cheats of Gameing, the Nature and quality of an
Ordinary, relating what manner of Persons they are which frequent it,
with many pleasant stories intermixt, with a dehortation from playing
at Dice._

All the day long there is not much playing in an Ordinary, what there is, is amongst Gentlemen and the more civiliz’d sort of Persons, but towards Night these Houses are throng’d with People of all sorts and qualities and then when ravenous Beasts usually seek their prey, there comes in Shoals of Hectors, Trappanners, Guilts, Pads, Biters, Priggs, Divers, Lifters, Kidnappers, Vouchers, Mill-Kens, Decoys, Shop-lifters, Foilers, Bulkers, Droppers, Ramblers, Dounakers and Crosbyters, _&c._ All these may be ranked under the general appellation of _Rooks_, this is the Field where the seed of Hemp is sown, and grows till the Gallows groans for it, this is _Tyburns_ Nursery, for yearly some or other of this cursed gang go thither.

The first day I entred this _School of Vertue_, I commenced Master of Arts, and would not easily be confuted with their Sophistry, but when young Gentlemen Prentices or Casheers come hither unskil’d in the quibbles and devices here practised they call him a Lamb, then straitways a Rook (or more properly a Wolf) follows him close, and engages him in advantagious betts, and at length worries him, that is he so fleeceth him as not to leave him a penny, and then the snearing dogs will laughingly say see the Lamb is bitten.

Some of these Rooks or Rogues if they perceive you to be full of Money, though they never saw you before, will impudently and importunately strive to borrow Money of you without the least intention of repaying, if you should be so facile as to do it, or to go with you when you are playing at Hazzard seven to twelve half a crown, which is more then ten to one if you deny them their unreasonable request, you shall find them sometimes very angry. Others will watch when you are serious at your Game whether your Sword hangs loose behind that they may lift that away, others will not scruple if they find an opportunity to pick your pocket directly, if these projects fail, then have at your Gold Buttons, if you have any on your Cloak, or steal the Cloak it self, if it either lye loose or careless. But above all they have a trick you cannot avoid, which is to throw at your Money with a _dry Fist_ (as they term it) that is if they nick you (_id est_ win) ’tis theirs, if they loose they owe you so much, if you demand your money they will peremptorily tell you anon will serve turn, and then it may be a Rascally Boxkeeper that usually snips with him, shall excuse him, saying he is a very honest Gentleman, Sir you need not mistrust him, whereas he knows no body will trust him with a _Newgate_ groat, if you chance to nick them, its ten to one but they will wait your coming out at night and beat you soundly.

I saw a couple of blades (Gentilely garb’d) enter one evening the Ordinary; they were lookers on a while, at length there being a vacant Room, one of them pulls the chair and sits down, as the box came still round he passed it, doing it so often said one angerly, if you will not throw sir what sit you there for? hereupon he snatcht up the box, saying, set me what you will Sir I will throw at it, the other hearing him say so, did set him two Guinneys, which he nickt, the Gentleman being vext did set him four more, with a round parcel of Silver, which he won also. Now did the whole Table concern themselves buttering him, that is, doubling or trebbling what they did set before, yet could not turn his hand, which was so successful that he held in eleven mains together, and just as he had almost broke the Table he chanc’t to throw out, having got his hat full of Money he arose from the Table and went to the fire with his Comrade, who asked him how he durst be so impudently bold to adventure after that manner knowing he had not a Cross about him to bless himself with all; how is that said one of the loosers who overheard what was said, had you no Money when you went to play, it matters not replied the winner I have enough now, had I lost having not wherewithal to pay you, why then ye must have been content to kick me so long till ye should say yourselves ye were satisfied; besides Sir I am a Souldier, and have past through many a brunt, venturing my life hard for eight pence a day, and do you think now I would not hazard a kicking or a pumping for so many fair pounds, all that were there concerned smiled at his confidence, but he laught heartily at their folly and his own good fortune. _Well may he laugh that wins._

Did you but see what passions and how divers effects do vary men into several postures, you would absolutely conclude the place to be _Bedlam_ instead of an Ordinary; you may observe one loosing to gnaw the box in pieces, or take the sawcer of Dice and throw it over his head, whilst the winning caster smiles and is merry as a Bee, another you may see who hath lost all his Money, standing like _Pontius Pilate_ in the old Primmer, or like some antick figure in a suit of hangings as motion less and almost as liveless.

A Gentleman I took notice of one day, who loosing (what moneys he had about him) sate very pensively, in steps a young blade in this interval and briskly took up the box, but it came not to his hands above thrice, before he had lost all he had brought in with him, which so inraged the Noddy that he behaved himself like a meer frantick Fellow, swearing Damme was not I a villain in less than an hour to loose four pounds, this melancholly person hearing him swear and fret for a sum so inconsiderable to what he had lost, Damm you (said he) Damme that have lost fourscore pounds in half an hour, it seems the greater looser thought it a piece of injustice the lesser should be damn’d before him. Frequent are the quarrels in this place occasioned by the heat of Wine before they came in or by loss made chollerick afterwards; Swords commonly drawn, or boxes and Candlesticks thrown at one anothers heads; sometimes the Rooks will raise a seeming feud (especially when their stocks are low) when they see a Table covered with money, which may give them an occasion to scramble; such are the usual garboyls in this place that they form a perfect type of Hell.

I cannot forbear smiling when I think of a certain passage one time at an Ordinary. A Gentleman who was well stored with Gold played high, and in a little time had not one penny left he first splits the Box, & then Box the Box-keeper, having so done, takes off his own hat from his head which was black, dame, said he, who dares say this hat is not white, he is a son of a whor that will not say so, the standers by seeing his loss had made him mad, replyed not a word; he perceiving on the other side that none would quarrel with him, seats himself, and fell fast asleep; another Gentleman who had lost as much or more than the former came to him who slept, and awakeing him, what is that you said Sir, is your black hat white, it’s a damn’d lye, I say it’s blew, deny it if you dare. The Gentleman was well pleased to see one madder then himself, and therefore without passion desired him to go and sleep as he had done, and on his awaking they should not differ about the colour, into what frenzies do these damn’d Dice put men into?

When late at night and the Company grows thin and your eyes dim with watching, then is the time for false Dice to be put on the ignorant, then also is there a security in, Palming, Topping, Slurring, _&c._

There are a certain sort of gentle and subtle Rooks whose outside speaks as much a Gentleman as most of the first magnitude. This Cunningham seldom plays in an Ordinary, yet will sit there a whole evening to the intent he may observe who winns, if considerable, and the winner seem Plyable, generous, and Bubbable, he will some way or other insinuate into his acquaintance by applauding his happy hand, congratulating his success _&c._ and then familiarly, yet civily prompt him to a glass of Wine that they may drink to the continuance of that good fortune.

Having gotten him to the Tavern he is sure to wheadle him into Play, and by hook or by crook (as we use to say) he is sure to winn some if not all his money; and that he may not be suspected for not playing squarely he will (if he be sure of his bubble) loose considerably sometimes, but in the long run he is sure to recover it again. I was several times so served but they could do no good upon me; yet notwithstanding that by my frequent practice I had gain’d a great deal of skill and crafty knowledge in the Dice, I lost, spent, and consumed all my moneys, and therefore I shall advise all to detest this abominable kind of life; if the most certain loss of your money will do it: I do undertake to demonstrate that any one with constant play upon the square shall be looser at the years end. I have heard it very confidently aver’d by an eye witness that three Gentlemen sate down at twelve penny Inn and Inn; each of them drew three pound a piece in two houres time, the box had four pounds of the money.

And that I may further perswade all men from gaming, consider how few there are if any who have gotten an Estate by play, but how many thousand antient and worthy families have been ruined and destroyed thereby. It is confest there is no constant gamester but at one time or other hath a considerable run of winning; but such is the infatuation of play, that I could never hear of any that could give over when they were well. I have known those have gotten many hundreds of pounds, and have rested a while with an intention never to play more; but by over perswasion, having broke bulk, as they term it, were in again for all and lost it.

Besides if a man hath a good parcel of money ’tis extreme folly to play whether himself or another shall be possessor thereof; if his stock be small it is downright madness to hazard that the loss whereof shall reduce a man to beggery. Moreover if you were but sensible of the anguish that is upon that mans spirit the next morning, having slept upon the loss of his money now irrecoverable, it would deter any one from ever medling with the cursed cause of so much vexation and trouble; what I now say is the product of wofull experience.

————_Experto credo Roberto._

To conclude, having lost all my money, I began to grow miserably poor, to prevent the further increase of my wants I sought out my old Master whom I found upon the _Royal Exchange_, upon our going off for joy to see me, carryed me to a Tavern where I acquainted him with all my Land Travels since my leaving him, and assuring him I was weary of living longer ashore, he advised me to go with him, and he would make me his mate, I gladly contented and in that quality I sail’d with him for _Guinney_.

Our Captain had thus far proceeded in recounting the memorable passages of his life, as we were making ready to cast Anchor, we being at that time not above a league from _Naples_ overjoy’d at the succesfulness of this our petty Voyage, we made ourselves all ready to go ashore; landing, our greatest care was to get convenient Lodgings, with some difficulty we obtain’d them, and having settled our selves in them, immediately got our Bills of Exchange accepted, till they came due we fitted our selves with all things both necessary and pleasurable, yet for some important Reasons for a while we laid an imbargo on our accustomed profest Extravagancies, keeping a strict rein on our head-strong wills and desires, but having received our Money we no longer dallied with our delights, but gave them leave to court us in what pleasant shapes they judged most convenient for our satisfaction.

Every day produced its new divertisement, every hour each of us studied how we might appear Rivals to the most Epicurean critical pallated Poleanate of the Universe, for since we were sailing in the Ocean of _Senseless Security_ under a stiff gale of _Plenty_, we shaped our course for the _Port of Sensuality_. The time being expired we had our Money paid us to a Doit, with as much respect as if we had been the greatest Merchants in _Europe_, desiring our further acquaintance and correspondence, which we promised not so much to traffick with them as to play some tricks upon them.

As our Lodgings were large and sumptuous sparing no cost for their furniture, so were our habits very rich (_modo Neapolitano_) wearing about us as many precious stones dayly as would have been a good return for a young Merchant after a three years sweating expectation: the gloriousness of our outward appearances made us no less a wonder to the _Neapolitan_ Inhabitants than we were to our selves, for we now began to admire one another having totally forgotten what once we were. Mr. _Goose-quill_ the Scrivener strutted the Streets strangely whose garb and gait flourisht like the _Capital T_ of _This Indenture_, the state of his present _Condition_ made him receive many an _Obligation_, which he always generously _cancel’d_ and continually _obliged_ others on _valuable considerations_. The Drugster notwithstanding all his striving, to seem otherwise, yet still showed himself to be a Chip of the old Block, a rasp of Log-wood, and scented strongly of his old occupation. His habit prompted him to personate the _Spaniard_; which he did so scurvily that never did _thing_ appear more prepostorous, had you seen him walk you would have sworn all his Members were in an uprore or about to revolt from their Principal; for his Whiskers _tilted_ his eyes, and they again being inraged to be confined within such narrow limits by their staring seemed to strive to come out that they might check the insolency of that audacious beard; and as for his arms and legs there was not the least correspondency; for his hands were in a continual motion being every minute imploy’d in cocking his Beaver upon one side, but his legs moved so slowly and stately, that they seemed to be offended at their slavish Office, showing their loathness by their slowness to be Porters to a burden of so little worth. _Doll_ as she had been conversant amongst the Gentry, so in her deportment she behaved her self as well as any of the best education; but for _Jenny_ I could hardly forbear laughing, to see how the proud _Minks_ would jut it as she went, her Milking-Pail, and dragled tail, were clean out of her remembrance, so was her being a _Motly-Wast-coteer_, there being not the least track of her former condition discoverable, she resolved to make others esteem of her by the value she did put on her self, not rating her condition as she was the quondam off-spring of Curds and Cream, but prizing it as one of Fortunes darlings, whom neither Cloaths nor Money could make more splendid, and as for an haughty spirit now unmatchable; I took upon me (as well I thought I might) to check her for giving six hundred Crowns for a Locket, she smartly took me up, what said she though I was born in the Ebb of Fortune, will you now intrench and wound the liberty my better stars have conferred upon me? To be plain I will not have my desires and pleasures circumscribed and taught me since I have enough and will enjoy it. Sir if you once begin to be narrow minded, you will be a Thief both to the esteem and enjoyment you may have in the world, I will not be limited to please your fancy as for my delights I will pursue them in what shapes I fancy both at home and abroad, I will spare no cost that may engage wide mouth’d report to proclaim the boundlessness of my pleasures and gallantry; all the Wits of the City I will ingage with Sack and Money to write Panegyricks on my Gaudy and Witty superfluities, not a _Cavaleero_ in _Naples_, but shall vail his bonnet at my Balcony, and when I please the splendor of my habit shall fix my Gazers as Statues in the place they stand. I thought she was mad till she smilingly took me by the hand, saying you see _Latroon_ I have a Soul as if Nobility had waited on my Cradle, however, my will shall alwayes be in subordination to yours.

* * * * *

As for the Captain he was a Man well read, and having seen the world, the novelty of a place never alter’d him, he had a good natural genius, and very facetious in discourse which appears sufficiently by the witty narrative of his Life, the relation whereof, did infinitely please us, but most especially my _Jenny_, who would often repeat to me some passages, but one day after dinner being altogether she took occasion to speak of the Captains gaming and other Extravagancies, and having drawn several good Observations from them, she desired the Company to give her audience, and she would give an account of a notable Extravagant, a young Man of her acquaintance, but as an introduction to her story, she begg’d leave to speak something of his Father first, and thus she began.

CHAP. XIX.

_A Brewers-Clerk cheating his Master, is taken in the manner:
Afterwards, he having buried his Master, by a politick Project is
married to his Mistress; he buries her, and is married to a
Countrey-maid; who understanding her Husbands Riches, puts him to
great expences in new furnishing the House, and extravagantly fitting
her against, and in her lying in._

I Remember (said Mrs. _Jane_) when I lived in _London_, there was a jolly old Blade, who was then the Aldermans Deputy of the Ward, and who was reported to be worth the better part of 10000 _lib._ that had in his youth been a notable Gamester, and many tricks he had used before his _Mercury_ was fix’d, and became settled in the World. He had Travelled and Rambled many years by Sea and Land, and had tried and tasted all Fortunes and Conditions; and Fortune had alwayes been so much his friend, as to bring him off without a scratch’d face, no great, no sensible disaster; at length, being somewhat weary of the Ramble, he resolved to take up and follow some imployment. He was fitted for any imployment, and yet not rightly fitted for none. But being of a good Capacity, he was entertained by a Brewer to be his desperate Clerk, that is to say, to gather up the desperate Debts. This was an Imployment very fit for him, for it gave him large convenience to Ramble; for the Brewer, who had been a great dealer, had Money oweing him by several people, some whereof lived at one end of the Town, and some at the other; so that all parts of that great City, especially the out-parts, his business lay in. He discharged this imployment indifferently well, for his Masters profit, and very well for his own; for he had power if he could not get all, to compound with any of the debtors for a part. And although his allowance, being three shillings in the pound, was considerable, yet he much augmented it by the tricks he had; for although he received a Debt of five pound or more, he would tell his Master, that he could get but half; and sometimes, although he received all, yet he would keep all to himself; and by this means he raised to himself a pretty fortune: and these tricks were usual with him, especially if the people with whom he made this profitable Bargain lived remote, or at any considerable distance from his Masters habitation. Among others that he thus compounded with, there was an honest old Blade who lived near the Tower, and had run 10 _lib._ in his Master the Brewers debt; and through some misfortunes that had befallen him, he left that end of the Town, and went to dwell as far as St. _James’s_ near _Westminster_; some while he had dwelt there without being known or inquired after; and now our Clerk being imployed to look after him, among others, was upon the hunt to find him: upon a strict and diligent inquiry, he heard that he dwelt at St. _James’s_. Wherefore the next time his occasions call’d him that way, he there inquired for him; after much inquiring, he heard that the party had lived there, but was removed to _Clarkenwel_; he therefore went thither, and there, with as much trouble as before, he again heard that he had dwelt there, but he had some time since removed from thence to _Lyme-house_; he made the same inquiry, and still heard of another removal to _Lambeth_; and I think from thence to two or three places; but in fine, he found him, but it was in _Redriff_.

Having found out his Game, he strongely charged him with the Debt aforesaid, and was resolved that as he had taken so much pains, that the poor man should pay for it; poor man you must judge him to be, for it was impossible he should be rich, that had in seven years made so many removes. The money being demanded, poverty was pleaded; but he was deaf on that ear, and was resolved not to lose his labour. In conclusion, the man being honest, was content to pay, and that all too, provided he might have time to do it; to this our Clerk was pretty wiling, and an agreement was made up, to pay the money by half a Crown a week. The man, although he sometimes missed, yet when the Clerk came and received not the money, he was to spend 4_d._ and when he did pay, the Clerk agreed to spend 2_d._ so that the Clerk seldom or never missed to come and visit his Debter once every week; and the poor man seeing that if he did not pay him two shillings six pence, it was to his dammage 4_d._ seldom miss’d him; and thus in time, the Debt was paid, and the Clerk, in his Matters behalf, gave a discharge.

But all this while his Master the Brewer knew nothing of this matter, neither did his man intend he should; for as he had taken extraordinary pains in finding him out, so he was resolved to have extraordinary gains, and indeed, all for himself; and thought and judged that as he had oftentimes kept all for himself, so he might well do so now; for he believed although his Master should go to some Cunning-man, or the Devil himself, to find this man who had so often removed his habitation, yet he must loose his labour; and it being usual with him when People were not to be found, to write in the _Margin_ of the Book where their Debts were entred, _Non est inventus_; and when they were dead, and there was no possibility of getting anything of them, to write _Mortuus est_, so that now he concluded that this fellow was so far from being found, that he might write _Mortuus est_, and so he did in the Book aforesaid. His Master had oftentimes looked over the Book, and seeing those fatal words in the _Margin_, had passed that Debt over, as he had done several others with the same mark. But as the Proverb saith, that the _Pitcher goes not so often to the water, but that it comes home broken at last_; so, although this our desperate Clerk had played many of these pranks, and that without discovery, yet now his time was come, and this business shewed him in his colours.

This poor man, who I told you, lately lived at _Rederiff_, had now made another remove, and from thence was come again to St. _Katharines_ (which was near the Brewers habitation) and he having been so honest as to pay the old Debt, was resolved to try if his Credit would serve for a new: wherefore having taken a new House, fitting for the Ale-draping-Trade, he went one Morning to the Brew-house; and having no acquaintance there with any body but our desperate Clerk; he inquired for him, but although he was there early, he was never the nerer, for the Clerk was gone out; and the old fellow sauntring about the yard, at length the Brewer himself came out, and seeing one waiting there, and as he supposed about business too, he asked him if he would speak with any body; the Fellow replyed yes, with his Clerk; which of them, said the Brewer? Mr. _R._ said the Fellow; the Brewer telling him that he was not within, and asking him if he could not do his business; yes, if you please Sir, replied the Fellow: Well then, what is it, said the Brewer: May it please you, Sir, I am an old Customer, saith the Fellow, and have long time dealt with you: and although I have been absent a great while, yet I have been honest, and will be so still; and being come to live near you, I desire you to let me have some more drink: Well Friend, what is your name, said the Brewer: _J. B._ said the Fellow. How long since did you deal with me, said the Brewer: Ten years, replyed the Fellow: Whereupon the Brewer calling for his Book, looked over, and at length found it, but found it marked with a _Mortuus est_: how now, said he then, is your name _J. B._ and are you alive. Yes, Sir, said the Fellow, your Clark knows me; for I have paid him truly and honestly, and not long since he received the last.

The Brewer hearing him say so, and now discovering the whole story, and his Clerks knavery, told the man that he would send him in some Drink, but withal ordered him to come the next morning about 9 a Clock. But before that time, about 8, he took his Clerk to task, and pretending to look over his Book in general, made several stops and asked questions, but more particularly when he came to this Debt; and he asking if he never received any money of him; No, Sir, said the Clerk, I could never find him; and at length I did hear of him, but _Mortuus est_, Sir, He’s dead long since. Are you sure of it, replyed the Brewer: Yes, Sir, said the Clerk, I am certainly sure of it; what I have writ there is infallible: But I doubt it will not prove so, said the Master; and thereupon, seeing the Customer come in, he said, look, sure this is he, or his Ghost. Our Clerk too well knowing the matter, and that it was so apparent, knew not what to say or do, but knowing that he was in a fault, and caught too, and being guilty of many more such tricks, and doubting they would all come out, cryed _Peccavi_, and desired Pardon: but his Master believing him to be more Knave than he yet knew, told him his thoughts, and (withal) that he would lay him Jayl. The Clerk hearing that lamentable word, told his Master he would prevent him by drowning himself; and thereupon the house being by the water-side, he ran thither, in order to his resolution. The Brewer hearing the Clerks resolution of drowning himself, and doubting that he might be so desperate as to do so, sent after him to stop and hinder him; for he considered that he should not only be somewhat guilty of his death, but also loose by it, for he had all his Books and Tallies about him; and if he should miscarry, he was not able to prove many debts that were owing to him, wherefore he not only saved his life, but told him, he forgave him that misdemeanor, and would not ask him any satisfaction, whereupon he rested contented: But this miscarriage of his was such a blot in his Scutchion, that he was called _Mortuus est_, to his dying day.

But thus as he had over-reached, out-witted, or, I may truly say, Cheated his Master the Brewer, so he did, after him deal with his Mistress, but after a different manner: for his Master soon after dying, and leaving a plentiful Estate, and only a Widow to enjoy it; she knowing her Clerks abilities were sufficient, and now not doubting his honesty, gave him a very large allowance, and made him chief Clerk, and Overseer of all, he being in this high employment, was somewhat covetous, but more ambitious, and these two passions raised another, which he termed Love; and who should he be in Love with but his Mistress: and as he was her Overseer, so he intended to be her Husband. Before he had the confidence to court her, he pretended to the Servants and others, that he did so, and this was out of Pollicie to hinder the Courtships of all others. So that by that time his Mistress understood and knew his pretensions, all others did talk of the time of his Marriage: One, in his fancie, appointing at such a time, and another at such a time: so that he letting his Mistress know his passion, as he termed it, she heard that all her Servants, nay, and some of her Friends talked so freely of it, as if they seemed to allow of it.

* * * * *

She was much troubled at the boldness of her Servant, and forbid his prosecution of his Suit, telling him that he shall lose his labour; but he, now he was in, was resolved to go through with his bold undertaking, persevered in it, and used all the Courtships that were usual on that account. It was his place to receive and pay all Moneys, so that all the Servants both men and women, came to him for their wages; and he giving them a cast in his Office, and using them courteously, they dealt with and for him accordingly; besides this, he had bestowed some moneys and presents on the Chamber-maid, who had promised to be at his direction, and to stand his friend in every thing; and indeed she used all her little Rhetorick in his behalf.

He being still refused by his Mistress, was resolved to hazzard all at once, and therefore he caused the Chamber-maid to tell it as a secret that two dayes after that, he was to be married to her Mistress: All the Servants told it to one another whisperingly, and together they provided a noise of Musick to welcome him up on the next Morning: He having thus laid his Plot, and the time being come, about five of the Clock of the next morning after his pretended Wedding-day, by the Chamber-maids connivance he got into his Mistresses Bed-Chamber; and he had not staid there long, but the Musick coming under the Chamber window, tuned their instruments, and struck up a lusty measure: his Mistress being awaked at the noise, cried out, and asked, what is the matter? He being in his Night-Cap, and without a Doublet in his shirt, drawing the Curtains, told her, that the matter she should presently hear: She seeing him in the chamber, and in that posture, wondring at the occasion, called out for the Maid; who although she was near enough, yet would not hear her; she believing that she was betrai’d, thought to cry out, and began to do so, but could not be heard for the noise of the Musick. By this time the Musicians had finished their first tune, and then, as usual, they cryed out, _Good Morrow, Mr. Bride-groom_; _Good Morrow Mrs. Bride, Heavens give you joy_. What Bride, and Bridegroom, do they mean, said the Woman. Why, said he, they mean us two; for it having been strongly reported that we were married yesterday, the Musick are come this Morning to play us up, and truly, continued he, I was just now informed of it, and hoping it is by your appointment; and that at length you intend it shall be so, I am come to try your disposition: and thereupon he forced a Kiss from her; and said, Madam, will you be pleased to own this Wedding? No, said she, nor you neither: Then I will, said he; and thereupon the Musick having now plaid another Lesson, he in that posture threw them out of the window four half-Crown-pieces; and standing in that posture for some time, shewed himself, and spake to the Servants and others that were there assembled. And now the Musick having plaid their last Lesson, saluting him with a _Thank you Mr. Bridegroom_, they departed. He now coming to the bed-side, sat down by his Mistress, and told her, All her people had shewed themselves joyful in his supposed happiness, and that therefore he hoped she would really make him so, by doing that in earnest, that all the World thought was so; and, said he, do you say what you will, it will be thought that it is so, and that I have lain all this Night in your Chamber.

She would not answer him one word, so pensive she was, in considering what had hapen’d; but at length she told him, that if yet he would obey her in any thing, she desired him to call her Maid; he who knew that the Maid would not prejudice him, soon called her; and she was no sooner come into her Mistresses sight, but she cryed out, Oh Lord, Mistress, how joyful I am; at what, replyed the Mistress; that you and Mr. _R._ are marryed; why, who tells you so, said the Mistress? All the World, said the Maid, not only our family but all the street know it, and the Musick too thankt you for your liberal rewarding them. The Mistress hearing that the Maid was of this mind, did believe that she said true, and that all the Town would ere long be of her opinion; wherefore chiding her Maid for leaving the door open, and telling her, that although all the world did, or might believe that she was married, yet she could say, and swear the contrary, for that she had been her Bed-fellow that night; and therefore, said she, I expect that you will go and undeceive them, and tell them so. The Maid replyed, that although she knew what she said was true, yet she wished it were otherwise; and added, that Mr. _R._ was more fit to be her Bed-fellow than she was. Well, well, Gossip, replied the Mistress, then you must appoint me what to do. No, answered the Maid, but I only tell you my opinion. No more, said the Mistress, and thereupon was a great silence between them. But Mr. _R._ being resolved to try her a little further, made a sign to the Maid to leave the Chamber; she obey’d him, and he then again fell to wooing it with his Mistress; who although she gave him no answer for a long time, yet she thought the more and paid it with thinking, and considering the case truly as it stood in every respect, he over-ruled and overcame her; whether he gave her then an earnest penny (as he was like enough to do) or no, I know not; but he keeping her company for some hours, and by her consent getting a Coach, he clapt her into it; and going to the next Church, sent for a Parson, and there that was done in earnest, that had been so well presented in jest; and the next night he did lie with her; and that he might be sure to have Witnesses of his being in bed with her, several of their acquaintance were admitted into the Chamber.

* * * * *

By this device (said Mrs. _Mary_) did this Clerk get him a Wife, and an Estate to boot, and that a very considerable one, which he looked after warily and carefully; and as an old Whore-master is the fittest person to make a Justice of the Peace, to punish that in others which he by experience knows more than ordinary, or for envy that he cannot prosecute his old courses. So this Clerk having been a sinner, and having been guilty of cheating his Master, was now too cunning to suffer any of his Under-Officers to serve him in the same manner. And he so well followed this course, that he became Rich; and when his wife died, which was some years after, he had scraped such an Estate together, that he was looked upon to be one of the most considerable persons in the Parish.

His Wife being dead, and he being now an old Fox, was resolved to be wary in his second choice, and to have both pleasure and profit: and not having any Children by his old Wife, intended to have one that might be in possibility of bringing those that might Heir his Estate.

He therefore putting himself into as youthful a habit as he could, woed several Maids of good birth and Quality; and in the end, the _London_ Lasses not fitting his humour, as being too wantonly and tenderly bred, and therefore proud and chargeable, he went into the Countrey, where he found one, who not being above four and twenty years of age, well bred, and one who had 400 _lib._ to her portion, and was sufficiently handsom; to this Maiden thus qualified, he being now sixty years of Age was marryed: she at first proved to be what he expected, an obedient and loving wife; but in short time, understanding her Husbands Quality, that he was the chiefest man in the Parish, and thereby understanding her own, and being visited by, and visiting of her Neighbours, and seeing their manners and customes, their entertainments, habits, houshold-stuff and other Ornaments for themselves and houses, and believing that they were below her in Quality, it was not long ere she by their example desired, nay demanded the like; she would frequently tell her Husband, that she had been at such a Neighbours, and there saw such and such a suit of Curtains and Vallence which were better and more in fashion than hers; and when by her perswasions or flattery she had obtained the like, then she complained that the Bed-stead was an old-fashion’d one, and that must be changed: next, that she must have new Chairs and Stools suitable to the Curtains; and then she rested not there, until she had gotten a new suit of hangings suitable to the Curtains and Stools; and now she stopp’d in her expences that way, but exceeded in another; for this new Furniture being had, all her Neighbours, Friends, and Acquaintance must be invited, one after another, to her house to see what an alteration she had made, and to have their opinions how they liked them. And these Friends must be treated with Wine and Junckets, and their Opinions being asked, one said, that indeed all was well, but that the Looking-glass she had was unsuitable, and an old pittiful thing, and therefore a new one must be had; another found fault with the brass Andirons in the Chimney, and that all that furniture must be changed; and a third said, there wanted a handsom Cabinet or Chest of Drawers: and now she had the opinion of her Neighbours, she never let her Husband rest, night or day, till all these things were done as she desired. The Chamber being thus set in order, the Kitchen was the next thing to be considered of, and there the Pewter first appeared, and that being old-fashioned, and being purchased at several times, was all differently marked; wherefore all that was changed for other that was of a newer fashion; and that she might be _a-la-mode_, there must be no Letter-Marks on it, but on every piece there must be the Coat of Arms of her Husband, and hers empaled, engraven on them; and it may be, he being unacquainted with any Arms of his own or hers either, must be at the charge to search the Heralds-Office for them; and they being found out, (for money rarely misses to make any man so much a Gentleman as to have a Coat) they must also be fairly painted, to hang up in the Hall; and the affairs in the Kitchen not being yet throughly reformed, the good old Andirons are changed into a new-fashion’d Range or Grate; and now all the Pewter being new, the shelves and dressers must be new made and new painted, as all the Kitchin was likewise. Thus did this Woman employ her self in the day time, and at night, he first giving her a grant that she should have the thing she desired, she requited him in the best manner she could: and he employed himself so well, that she was with Child; and in short time she being confirmed in the opinion that she was so, her Stomach was very squeamish, and she must have Caudles and Cordials of all sorts; for the making and ordering of which, she had the advice of an hundred Midwives, Nurses, and Gossips; and then she longed for all things she saw or heard of, especially such things as were scarce and costly, as Cherries and Strawberries in _March_ and _April_, when she was forced to give 12_d_ or 18_d_ a piece for them; but when _May_ came, and that they were any thing cheaper, she cared not for them. And next, all her business was in making provision against the Bantling should come to Town; there must be new Blankets, Beds, Rowlers, Pilches, Clouts, Shirts, Head-bands, Biggins, and a world of such kind of little Utensils provided; and the Cradle and Groaning-Chair must also be bought and made ready, and the Mantles which had served his former old Wife were too much out of fashion to be used now, (it is well if the best of them will serve for an ordinary Blanket) and a new one must be bought, and not one would serve the turn, but several there must be; one for the Chamber, another for to carry the Child abroad in, in Summer; another warmer, for the Winter; and above all these, there must be one costly one, wherein the Child must be dressed to be Christned in; (for it is too mechanical and base to use that of the Midwives) and it may be another must be had to spread upon the Bed. All these things were provided, and the Clouts and other linnen being made, several Washers and Starchers were employed to wash, starch, rub, slick, pinch, and make up this parcel, which must be laid up in Sweet-Powder in her new Chest of Drawers. These things being thus provided she had not yet done, but still wanted more, but especially two or three Baskets, one whereof being of fine wicker or rods, or else of Wire-work and beads; or else wire-work and Cloves, or else somewhat that is more fantastical, and by consequence, more costly, and one of these she had, and with it at least 20 dozen yards of several Colours of penny-Ribbons to be tied in curious knots about the basket. All these things the good old man gave Money to his Wife to provide; and these pretty things together amounted to a great sum. But all of them was nothing considerable to her next demand, and that was a Cup-boards-head of Plate; some there was in the house, _viz._ a beer-bowl, a Beaker, a Salt, and a dozen of Apostle Spoons: but these must be changed, and others provided; _viz._ one large Tanckard, two smaller of an equal size, one Plate, one Sugar-dish, two or three Porringers, two Caudle-Cups, two dozen of Spoons, a couple of Candlesticks, one pair of Snuffers; and such a large Inventory of this kind of Ware she did reckon up, that it troubled her Husband, and almost broke his heart to think how to satisfie the ambitious humour of his Wife; but knowing that there was no quietness without, he also bought and provided all these several parcels, and upon every piece of Plate their Coat of Arms were engraven: If I should reckon up all the other things, Sugar, Spice, Wine and Sweet-meats to be used at the crying out; to which was added _Westphalia_ Hams, Neats-Tongues, Geese, and such kind of Victuals as would toll down the Liquor and make the womens tongues run glib; but above all a groaning Cheese, and then other sorts of Provisions, as Quilts for the Bed, Sheets, Pillowbeers, Cloaks for her self to sit up in, Pinners, Cloves, and a world of such kind of trinckets; I should not please you, but tire my self, but the time of her crying out being near at hand, She tired the Midwife, Nurse, and Servants, and her Husband too, with her continual false Alarms. But at length, her full time being come, and the Fruit being ripe, it must fall; and after all this diligence in watching and attendance and great Cost and Charges, in the Provision aforesaid, She was delivered of one of the worser sort, a pitiful piss-kitching puling Girl: Although their expectations were all frustrated, as expecting a Son and Heir, yet it could not be, they must be content; and the woman was well enough satisfied, as being told that when a Boy is born, the Father is better pleased; and when a Girl, then the Mother; and She believing this Maxime to be true, hoped that it was a good Omen that she should for the future, prevail over, and command her Husband.

_The Child being born, and likely enough to live, the women fell to, and in an hours time eat up, and drank off all this provision, and then their tongues ran like so many Mill-clacks; every one handling, dandling, kissing and spending their Verdict about this Bantling. One said, it was as like the Father as if it had been spit out of his mouth; another, that it had his very Nose; a third, that it was mouth’d like the Mother; and a fourth, that it had its Fathers eyes; and thus they all spent their Verdict: and although they all spake differently of the Child, yet all must and did conclude that it was very like the Father. He poor man was called up amongst them, and according to custom being to kiss all the women, was much puzled to do it in an orderly manner; for she that was finest, thought her self to be best, and therefore first to be saluted; she that was eldest expected the same: and accordingly several of them put themselves forwards, so that he did not know when he had done; but at length they all having joyed him of his young Daughter, they sat down, and then kissed he his little one, but durst not do so to his wife without the Nurses leave, lest she should exact the usual fee of a pair of Gloves: wherefore he seeing that there was Charge enough already, was resolved to avoid all that he could._

* * * * *

_His wife, now having a Child must have all fitting appendixes and attendants to it; and she being resolved not to give her self the trouble of nursing it her self, and being withal too fond of her Baby to have it out of her sight, therefore Nurses were sought out,_ viz. _a dry-Nurse, and a wet-Nurse; one to suckle the Child, and another to wash the Clouts, and rock, and attend it; besides a third, to attend the woman. But although she did not resolve to suckle the Child her self, yet she had a considerable trouble to dry up her Milk; for she was forced to have a woman to draw her Breasts first, and then to use Towe, Sage-Possets, and other things, to dry it up. This was her trouble; but her Husbands trouble and Charges were intollerable. There was every day something or another wanting; and being resolved to manage his affairs himself, and receive and pay all, had enough to; and it almost broke his heart to see how trivially and vainly his money was drawn from him upon his wifes account. He now wished his old Wife alive, or that he had not tried the troublesome effects of being married to a young woman; but this repentance came too late, and seeing he could not help it, he was resolved to bear all patiently._

_The Child and Wife being both now in a fit condition, the Child was to be Christned; the trouble of getting or procuring God-Fathers and God-Mothers was little trouble to him, for he had too great an acquaintance to be unprovided of choice of them. But the charge of that Ceremony was very chargeable. There were Glovs for the Midwife, Deputy-Midwife, Nurses, Servitors, and all his Servants; and such costly Services for the women, as cost him many a sigh to consider of it. And this being over, his house was every day filled with Gossipings, who although, as is usual, they brought the meat, yet he found the sawce, which was always as chargeable as the rest. And he was used to say on these occasions, that although the Guests brought their own Victuals, yet he that laid the Cloth paid the greatest share. There was such revelling and noise, such laughing and merry-making, that his head was so disordered, that he neglected and could not keep his accounts in their usual method._