Chapter VII: Part 7

Having studied _Actæon_ and _Diana_, _Jack Swabber_, _Simkin in the Chest_, _Miles the Miller_, _Simpleton the Smith_, with divers other drolling farces, away they strolled into the Countrey, some in a Coach (by reason of the Properties they carried with them,) others on Foot of the meaner sort, and some on Horseback; had the most intelligent met them, it would have puzzled him to have told what they were. The first thing they did when they came to a Town, was to acquaint the Mayor thereof with their intent, producing their Patent which authoriz’d them. Having the grant of the Mayor, most commonly they were permitted the Town-Hall to play in. At first, commonly they had usually such great audiences, and got so much Money, that it undid them, for it made them insolent, idle, careless, always drunk and continually quarrelling, so that the Town and Countrey growing weary of them, their poverty also made them weary of the Town. The next place they came at, it may be, there they would endeavour to regulate those disorders; but no sooner were they flusht, but they fell into the like confused Chaos. There was seldom a Rehearsal in the morning, in which there was not some scuffle; sometimes altogether by the ears, all engaged in a Quarrel, but none knowing the cause of it. Their differences most commonly did arise from ones exalting his own worth, by the undervaluing anothers, saying that such a one had a greater share than he, though he deserved more; that such a fellow had a noble part, when he had that of a Servant, whereas he better merited to be a Prince, than the other a Foot-Boy; _Damn me_, said another, that Fellow that speaks now hath no Soul; a Parrot would be taught to speak better, and understand more than he; a Baboon treads a Stage a thousand degrees beyond him; See but yonder Horse-fac’d Lover, is he fit to act that part with that hunting face of his? it is enough without the help of a Vizard to fright his Mistress into Convulsion fits, or make a young Woman miscarry, that hath not half gone her time. If reviling one another would not put them together by the ears, there was another expedient would infallibly do it. There was one well stricken in years, yet far more amorous or salacious than the younger, and when she found not her accustomed pleasures, she judg’d that one of those three, had stoll them from her; when jealousie had possest her of that Opinion, she ne’re capitulated with them otherwise, than with her hands, which she used so nimbly together with the nails, that had not black Patches been in Fashion, I know not how without shame they could have played. The Men on the other side, being known Rivals to one another, could not forbear shewing their animosities, (as their parts permitted them) one being run into the hand, another through the Arm, making a real Tragedy of what was but pretended. Their Stock of Clothes was very small so that a Parson was forc’d to Act in a Loyars Gown, instead of one that was Canonical; a Bishop, with a Shepherds Crook, instead of a Crozier, and a Cushion so dented, that the Corners might be more perspicuous, instead of a Miter; they wanted a Target, and knew not what to do, at last, the invention of one of the wittiest, helpt them to a large Wooden Tray, and nailing a piece of Tape to the sides within, served rarely well. The Actors were few, wherefore some Acted three or four parts, nay one Acted two parts at once upon the Stage, the King, and the Nobleman; when as a Nobleman in a long mourning Cloak, (for they could get nothing else, that could nearer represent him by) he spake to an _Indian_ Gown that lay in a Chair, with a Past-board Crown that lay upon it, all bedawbed with yellow, (and I know not what Colours) by a Countrey Sign-Painter, to make it look like. Having ended his Speech, he threw off the long Cloak, and putting on the Crown and Gown, he then as a King returned an answer to the Cloak, I mean the Nobleman, making a many changes, till the conference was over. The Nobleman _i. e._ the Cloak, being taken off the Stage, that is, having made his _exit_, it was the Kings Cue to seat himself a while, to give audience to a person, that had great concerns with his Majesty, whole Speech being long and his memory treacherous, he had not gone a quarter through his Speech, but that he was irrecoverably out, past all prompting; the King not knowing how to help, and the audience eagerly expecting his going on, at last it came into his head, ingenuously to tell him that he had heard enough, he would hear the rest within, by which means the Play went on.

One Market-day, (which was the chief time they pitcht on) they Acted a Play, (by the invitation of some Gentlemen in a Tavern,) in which there were two which fought on the stage, which were supposed Clowns, and were to baste one another to some purpose. A Countrey Gentleman being there present, and having never seen a play, but this Acted once before, and seeing them fight again in the same manner, as they had done before, steps hastily down stairs, and bringing up a Bottle of Wine in his hand, interposes between them; telling them they should not thus bear a grudge one to the other, but that they should be friends; and to that end he had brought a Bottle of Wine, that they should shake hands, and drink to each other, and would not stir, off the place, till he had seen them so do, and go too, off a several way. That Scene was spoyled, however they played on, and coming to the third Scene in the fourth Act, these Fellows were to enter again; the Gentleman seeing them together, and facing each other, ran from his seat to them again; swearing that he that gave the first blow, should beat him too; _What_, said he, _cannot we be quiet here, but you two Logger-heads must spoil the Play_? This put the whole audience into such laughter and confusion, that the Play was forced to be deferred till another days action.

They staid not long in a place, the People being tired with such costly novelties as they call’d them, which made them ramble every where. Coming to _York_, they had the same success at first, as they found else where, but had like to have been scared out of their wits. For one day acting a Play, wherein the King of _Scots_ was to be murdered barbarously by his Subjects, and having intimation of the suddain coming of the Assassinates, condoled his own unhappy Fate, and condemns the treachery of his Subjects proceedings; is there no hope of Life, is there never a true Scot, that now dares stand by me? A Scot there present, seeing the murderers come in with their drawn Swords, cryed out, _there is one left still, my neen sel, yar een Country-man. Let the Deel fill my wem with smaw steans, if I make not the Loons eat my Sward as smaw as_ Saunies _durch_. And thereupon drew his broad Sword, and at them he came as desperately resolved, as if they had been real enemies; and notwithstanding the King intreated him to be patient, he grew more furious, and would have prosecuted them to death, had not his supposed Majesty held him in his arms, till they had made their escape. Not long after this they were invited to act at a Gentlemans house in the Countrey, where they acted their parts so badly, by stealing several pieces of Plate, that some of them had like to have acted their last; Our Soldier of Fortune fearing by their ends, he might come to his last, fled away privately to _London_; where he betook himself to his Pen again, altering the Scene of his former design. Observing what large encouragement some received from their Dedications, he resolved to make tryal of scribling too: the first that he wrote was indifferently well accepted of, it being an _Hodge podge_ of Translation, Transcription, Collection, and his own Composition; he Dedicating it to a Person of Quality, was largely rewarded; had he stuck here he had done well, but being infected with the base ingratitude of Mercenary Scriblers, he presented his Book to at least twenty more, with the same Dedication, the name onely altered, which brought him into so great dis-esteem amongst such as would have been his constant Benefactors, that ever after they would never accept of his Presentations.

And now poor Gentleman, not knowing what to do, walking melancholy in the _New Exchange_, he took special notice of a young Trader, who eyed him as much, as he her (for he was a handsom proper young man, and had cloaths on his back, a Gentleman needed not to be ashamed to wear,) they gazed at each other a pretty while at a distance, but Love quickly brought them nearer together. For having money in his Pocket, he approacht the Shop with a Pretence to buy some Linnen, where having seen some of several sorts, he bought some, the better to engage her in a discourse. He askt her whether she was single, and whether that was her Shop? she answered, she was married, and therefore had nothing she could call her own. _How Madam_, (said he) _I cannot doubt but that you have many Virtues, which you may justly call your own; you have Beauty too, and admirable outward parts_. I thank your good opinion, _Sir_, (said she) but I look upon her as unworthy to deserve the name of an owner, that either cannot, or durst not give what is in her possession; _though you cannot give, Madam, yet you may so dispose of that beautious mirrour of your Sex, your Face, or what else you have, as that the frequent loan thereof, may be esteemed equal to the gift_. She was quick of apprehension, and understood his drift, and though she answered him not, yet her smiles shewed a sufficient satisfaction to his amorous discourse, and her blushes bid him do if he durst. To be short, he won her so absolutely to himself, in a little time, that she had nothing in her Power, which she did not freely give him, till her Husband had almost nothing left, and suspecting the infidelity of his Wife, watcht her so narrowly, that her Enamorato enjoyed her rarely, and seldomer had his wants supplyed.

* * * * *

Now was he forced to look out again, but it was not long before he was informed of a Maid that was very well to pass in the world, somewhat ancient, and had she not had some few natural deformities, she had never lived a Maid so long, for she was long-nos’d, thin lipt, beetle-brow’d, short neckt, bunch-backt, and hopper-arst. This dismaid not him, knowing she had Mony to make all good; and so with a little Court-ship; (she being already ravisht to think, (her hopes of marrying having long since taken leave of her,) she should be joyned to a young man, and a handsome man to;) I say the Marriage was quickly hudled up: I did not hear they had many quarrels the first week; but not many weeks past over their heads, before his extravagancy, and her covetousness, could not agree. Besides, she grew intolerable jealous, (as most do who are conscious of their own imperfections,) and shewed so many of her damned qualities, that he lived a hellish life with her; had he not been a fool, he might have known before what she was.

* * * * *

She had better been quiet, for the more unquietly he lived at home, the more jocundly he spent abroad; till in fine he spent all, so that he resolved to leave her, and return to his former Mistress, who is now aboard, I mean

_The New-Exchange-Girl_.

She was born in _Lancashire_, and coming up to _London_ with the Carrier to get a Service, it was ten to one she had not been pickt up by some Bawd, they continually laying wait at all the Inns in the Town, for the coming up of handsome Girles. It was the hap of a Semstress in the _New-Exchange_ to meet with her: and seeing her to have a well featured, and well coloured Countenance, took so great a liking to her, that she took her home with her. She knew well enough what she did, being not ignorant, that a handsome young Girl in a Shop, will attract as many Beauty hunters to her shop, as sweet things will draw Flies to a Confectioners Stall. She had not lived long with her Mistress, but as she was envyed by her Neighbouring Apprentices, so she was admired and courted by many of the Gallants of that end of the Town. Her Mistress, who found the sweetness of the incomes of her new-come Servant gave her much more liberty, and countenance, than she had done any before, cloathing her in as good a habit, as might become such an excellent Face, and the Esteem that Gentlemen of Quality had for it.

* * * * *

She had by this time purged her self of the barbarisms and impurities of the English tongue, by the daily converse she had with the Ladies, and Gallants of the Court, and had learnt _decorums_ in Carriage, as well as elegancies in Language. Her Mistress was much too blame in suffering her to wait upon Gentlemen at their Chambers, with Shirts, Sleeves, Cravats, _&c._ though it is customary, yet dangerous to those that would preserve their Honour. By which means she had so many temptations offered to her, that the like would have taken in the _Maiden Fortress_ of a _Vestal Votaress_. They courted her with those Golden-Showers, which infallibly conquer, (having _Jove_ for their President) no wonder then if she yielded to her overcomers.

* * * * *

This still brought in more Grists to her Mistresses’s Mill who gave her good Council to have a care of the Temptations of the Flesh; but she could discern by her Eyes her advice came too late: and knowing that Trade would not last long, gave her in a manner her own freedom, asking her leave, when she went abroad; but yet her Mistress was not such a Fool, but she knew well enough to whom she granted liberty to go abroad with her Servant; good Customers you may be sure. There was not a day hardly past, but she was Coacht; but at length she hackney’d it so long, that she got an ambling Nagg. Being recovered, she scorn’d to be dismaid for one hard bargain, but ventured at it again, and again; and now she was grown to that pass, she cared not, but cryed, _Clap that Clap can_, bearing in among them, firing Gun for Gun.

* * * * *

Her Mistress having reapt the utmost of her Harvest, advised her to keep in till she was well, and being so, make the best and quickest advantage she might of getting a Husband, for she told her, that she must stay with her no longer, she being so great a scandal to her Profession. My young Gentlewoman was over-ruled, courted, and a little after married, about two years before our _Souldier of Fortune_ came acquainted with her, he now re-inforces his suit, and tells her withal, if she will be ruled by him, they should both march off together, it was agreed on, that she should observe her opportunity, and take what Money and Goods of her Husbands she could, and come to him; which accordingly she did: and now being both glad, that the one should be freed from a cross grain’d impotent Husband: and the other from a jealous deformed, ill condition’d Wife, they both went to the West of _England_, not intending then to leave the Kingdom; but finding a Ship ready to Sail for _Barbadoes_; and judging themselves not secure, till they got thither, or to some other forreign Plantation, they resolved to go, carrying Money enough to pay their passage, and Goods to live ashore on.

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But let me not forget my promise, but give you an account of the rest in order; the next are,

_Two Button-makers_.

They are hardly worth taking notice of, and therefore I shall not much trouble my self about them. They were brought up in _London_, and therefore they were capable of driving a Trade in the Countrey: and indeed they were forced to make that their refuge or Sanctuary. For in the place aforesaid, they were known to be such notorious Night-walkers, and Pick Pockets (for which they had been so often in those two famous Universities, _Newgate_ and _Bridewell_,) that they resolved to go elsewhere: making choice of _Excester_, a place so remote from their former habitation and acquaintance, that they assured themselves of a new credit, amongst a People so altogether unknown to them.

* * * * *

There they took a Chamber, (lying together) and went for two Sisters; the noise of two _London_ Button-makers coming down to inhabit in that City, quickly reacht the ears of the Shopkeepers therein, and that word, _London_ carried so great a sway, and esteem with it, that they were presently imployed, and had much work a days. A young Mercer, newly set up, fell in love with one of them, and prosecuted his Suit so closely, that though with much difficulty (she giving him many repulses to make him the more eager in the pursuit), yet he at length obtained his desires, and so fond he was of his enjoyments, that his business must needs lie at six and sevens, since, all the day after, he imployed his time in the Company. She like a Cunningham, at last fearing the Proverb will prove true, (_Hot love grows soon cold_,) she pretended herself with Child, which in two Months time grew so monstrously fast, that he must believe what his eyes saw so apparently. His Breech made Buttons too now, and not knowing how to save his Reputation, he consulted his best wits again, and again; at length found this the only expedient to preserve his endangered credit, that is, to give her a good sum of Mony, with which he might perswade her to remove into the Countrey. He propounded this to her, (and although she was ready to leap out of her skin to see her Design take so good effect,) yet she would give no hearing to it, but falling on her knees, beg’d that he would save hers, and his own Reputation, by making her an honest Woman, that is, marrying her: if he would not condescend to that, she would admit of no other terms, but what sudden death should make her the overture of.

Some days he spent in perswading her; getting her good will; he gave her a sum of Money to accommodate her lying Inn, in the Country; giving a good part to her Comrade, and ordering her to stay till her return, which should be speedy; she took leave of her Lover, as if she had been doing the like to her Soul going a Voyage to the other world. But she was no sooner out of sight, but she re-assumed her former jolly temper; coming to an Inn (where she was to lie that night) _she there miscarried of a Cushon_. To carry on her project with the least suspition, the next day she went for _Bristol_, where staying four or five days to recreate her self, and see the curiosities of that City, she removed to another, from thence to a third, fourth, and fifth, only to prolong time, that she might not be suspected on her return. Six weeks being expired, she shap’t her course homewards, where being arrived, she found her Comrade had not been idle, but had imployed those hands she sate on to a very good advantage.

* * * * *

Her Lover hearing of her return played least in sight; and although he heard that she had cast her Colt, yet would not come nigh her, for fear of paying as dearly for his pleasures, as he had done before; and so resolved to acquit her for ever. Yet his forsaking her did not hinder other Visitants. To conclude, they had cheated so many with the pretence of being with Child, that the younger-Fry were afraid to come near them, being lookt upon by the Town, no other than a Couple of subtle Trapans. Their Trade thus miserably decaying, they resolved to try what effects Night-walking would produce. So stroling about one evening, with their white Aprons spread as a Flagg of Truce, they walkt a long time before they could meet with any fit for the purpose; in short, when it was grown late, they met with a Gentleman coming out of a Tavern, more than half drunk, whom they pickt up, the bargain was quickly struck, and into an Entry they went, one of the Sisters standing at door as a Centinal; at length (quoth she within) _Good Sir, let me go, the Watch is coming_; which he hearing, stept nimbly into the street, because he would not be found with Females in so suspected a place; casting his head about, he perceiving his two Wenches make more than ordinary haste, he presently suspected that they had shew’d his Pockets foul Play; wherefore putting his Hands therein, found his Watch missing, he straightways ran after them, and just overtook them as he met with the Watch, by whom they were secured, and being searcht, the Watch was found; the next day they were carried before a justice, who upon Examination, finding them guilty, committed them to Gaol. At the Sizes, such a general complaint (besides this theft) came in against them by the sober Citizens, for debauching and ruinating their Servants, that they were both sentenced to be transported. The same Sizes was doom’d another after the same manner, and for the same practice, whom whosoever marries, hath got a wife with a treble Trade, a Whore, a Thief, and a Stockin-mender; but fearing lest if I handle her, I shall offend your Noses, I shall pass her by, and present your Nostrils with the perfume of

_An Orange-Wench_.

_Fair Oranges,——Fine Lemmons_, a cunning Slut, who by a fifteen years practice, had got her trade to her fingers end! She used that cry in the streets of _London_ at first, to get her a livelihood; but her Face had so cryed her up, that her Gallants would have decryed her Trade, as too mean a thing for her to follow; but she would not be perswaded to it, fearing she should be abridged of her Liberty. For whilst she had the liberty of roving every where, she had the priviledge and freedom to go boldly into a Tavern, where she not only sold her Ware, but had the convenience to truck for a Commodity of another sort. She was witty, and very well furnisht with a drolling Common-Place-Book, out of which she could suit any merry discourse whatsoever. By which means her company was so generally coveted, that she could not pass the streets, but that some or other out of a Tavern-Window would call her up, who would empty her Basket, fill her skin with Wine, only that they might make some sport with her. A wealthy old Widower, an Ale-house-keeper, knowing how generally she was belov’d, cared not much to be made a Cuckold, so that he could but increase his Trade, which he knew he should do, if he married her, which he did by a very expensive Courtship, she not caring if he had spent every groat.

* * * * *

She lived with him some years, in which time they had got a world of Money, the house being seldom full before, but since her coming thither, always filled for her sake. The old fooll (having gotten enough) began now to dote on her, and grew so jealous, that he could not abide to see her in any company that was younger than himself, which she not enduring, made up a good Purse of Money, and went into _Yorkshire_, where attiring her self like Widow, every one believed that she was so, and behaved her self so generously in all her deportments, that she soon had Suiters of good quality swarming about her. She was so crafty, that she never countenanced those, who had ever made the least scruple by enquiring what she was, whence she came, what she had, _&c._ but scorning such enquiries, would sometimes frankly say, when many of them were together; _Gentlemen, I wonder you should busie your selves about me, I trouble you not, therefore trouble not me; I intend to borrow no Money of you, and leave an Estate mortgaged for the payment; I have enough, and will lend you some upon good Security, if that you come for_. An old stale Batchellor (a Semi-Usurer) hearing this, strikes in with her, tell her he had Money enough too, (which she had heard before) and that if she pleased to make a scrutiny into the truth thereof, she might; however he would not question her Estate, but be very well contented, if she had no more than what was on her back; she desired some time to consider on so weighty a matter as Marriage was; not considering before what it meant, however she was alotted a very good Husband, and should she now marry a worse, it would be her hearts-breaking. He promised her every thing so fair, that it cleared up all her doubts, and so they joyned together in a Matrimonial tye.

The Husband she left in _London_, was not only Horn-mad, but stark-mad for the loss of his Wife, and so diligent he was in the search of her, that like _Scoggin_, looking for a Hare in the Roof of a House leaded, so he sought her not only in places probable, but as unlikely to find her. His enquiry was so indefatigable, that at length he heard that she was in _Yorkshire_, and was informed of the place wherein she was. Over joy’d at the news, he immediately takes horse, and rides away towards her, resolving to forgive her whatever she had done, if she would return with him, not knowing she was married.

The old man came just to Town as it was her hap to look out at the window; she knew him streight, and was ready to drop down dead, to think what would be become of her; but a Womans wit, which is alwayes best at a push, prompted her to call hastily for her Husband, who running to her; _What is the matter_, said he? _O Husband_, said she, _Do you see yonder Man on Horse-back? Yes, yes_, he replyed; _then pray thee Sweet-heart run quickly and dog him where he Inns; and having so done, return with all the speed you can possibly_: never did Foot-boy dispatch a Ladies errand speedier than he; and being returned; _Now my dear_, said she, _I will tell thee how happily things fall out; as I was looking out of that window, I saw that man you dogg’d, I have not seen him these five years before, he was indebted to my husband in the sum of 300_l. _the Money hath been due long since, and not yet paid, it is thine now, go instantly and arrest him at thine own Suit, I will prove the Debt, his name is ———_ This obedient Coxcomb performed what his Wife desired him to do: This Brother Starling of his being not acquainted in the place, and not being able to produce Bail, was constrained to go to Prison, where we leave him, vowing and protesting he neither knew the Man, nor ever owed in all his life half the sum. In the mean time our _Orange-woman_ had perswaded her Husband to give her leave to go to _London_ with all speed and fetch the Bond she had left in a friends hand, and if need required, bring the Witness down; _there is no fear Husband,_ said she, _of the Money, for his Estate consists solely in that, imploying it in buying Cattle in_ Ireland, _and transporting them into_ England; _I have laid wait for him many and many a time, but never could meet with so happy an opportunity_.

* * * * *

Her Husband poor credulous Gentleman, believed every word she said, and consented to her motion, with much alacrity. The next day the Stage Coach was to set forth, so he went streight and bespake a place, whilst she had fixt every thing for her next dayes journey. That night, when her Husband was fast asleep, she took the Key of his Closet out of his Pocket, and opening it, she unlockt a Cabinet, and took thence a hundred pieces of old Gold, which had lain there many a year undisturbed. In the morning by time, after a great deal of seeming sorrow that she should be thus necessitated to be absent from her dearly beloved Husband, she entred the Coach, and was quickly out of sight. At the first Baiting-stage the Coach came at, she altered her resolution of going for _London_, telling the Coachman, she had extraordinary business some fifteen miles out of the way, and that if he would drive the Coach that way, she would reward him; he told her it was impossible to be done, (which she knew as well as himself), _But Madam,_ said he, _you have paid the Coach, and you may do as you please_.

* * * * *

She hired a Horse presently, and a Man to ride before her, and having rid till it was almost dark, she caused her Man to make what haste he could to the next Inn, pretending she was mistaken in the length of the way. The next morning calling for a Quart of Mull’d Sack, she drank to her Man, making him very merry, and then told him, she was resolved to go for _Chester_, having business of greater moment to dispatch there first; so giving him a Crown for his own pains, & half a Crown a day, for so long as they should be out, the Fellow was very glad of, knowing his Master would be pleased with him for so doing. Coming there, she dismissed the Fellow, and hearing there were Ships ready to Sail, the next day she went to _Holy-head_, and there imbarqu’d for _Dublin_.

How her two Husbands in her absence agreed I know not; but she no sooner thought her self secure in this strange Country, but she appear’d as splendid in Apparel, as the greatest Court-gallant of them all, and with a new Surname Coacht it with the best of them, and marryed again, (a thing too often practised there) and lived so long there, till she had spent what her Husband had gotten in many years labour; and now when all was gone in a manner, she falls into the acquaintance of a young huffing Blade, who not daring to stay longer in _Ireland_, (by reason of the many Debts he owed there) perswaded her to go for _Bristol_ with him, where she should have what her heart could desire. Having a greater love for his Person than she had a belief to what he promised, she yielded; and without trifling away time, put their purpose into present practice. Being at Sea, they had like to have split upon the Bishop and his twelve Clerks, (Rocks so called lying to the Southward of _Wales_) had she been there lost, any one that knew her life and conversation, might have lookt on it as a just Judgement, having abused and violated those sacred Laws the Church hath injoyned her to observe by her most detestable Polygamy. However, they were hindred from putting into the Port they were bound to, and instead thereof, arrived at _Barnstable_; where in a little time after their arrival, he growing weary of her, took every Penny she had, not leaving her wherewithal to discharge her Quarters. She was rightly served, and may all such meet with punishments suitable to their notorious practises. The fear of her Husband knowing where she was, and the fulness of her own temper together, (seeing she should be thus outwitted) made her thus resolve the tryal of retrieving her misfortune in a foreign adventure. Almost on the same Basis or Ground-work was founded the desperate resolution of our two Crack’t Maiden-Servants. For the one was tollerably handsome, and thought her self meat good enough for her Master, or his Son; The latter of which she liked best, but he fitted her not to her liking; for having gotten her Maiden-head, (by promising her Marriage) and with Child to boot, marryed another; She being foolish, and having no Friends to advise her how to compensate her loss by suing him, she only took pet, put finger in eye, and vow’d she would never see him; a shrewd threat for one that was glad to be rid of her. Her Companion with her knowing her resolution, having staid to the age of near forty, and not one so much as proffering to kiss her, (for indeed had you seen her when she had drest her self with all the advantages her utmost Art could use, you must have turned your head aside,) I say having lived thus long a Maid, (I dare swear for her) and never expecting to have to do with any Christian, she had some hopes that she might be a subject fit enough for some barbarous Black Diabolical Infidel, to get Cannibals upon.

And now having given you an account of what Cattle we had aboard, except only what I have purposely left to bring up the Reer, and they are four

_Common Prostitutes_.

Not to describe them particularly, but all of their Function in general; They are things of prodigious strength, which is sufficiently manifested in the ruin of the strongest Man, and back-sliding of the wisest Man. I hardly know, or have heard of any whom they have not stagger’d, excepting _Job_, who firmly stood maugre the Devil, and his Wife.

* * * * *

In the faces of the common Traders by diligent search, you may find some Raggs of over-worn Beauty, like old Clothes in Brokers windows, to make you believe that there are better wares within; yet he that trades with them, is like to have a bad bargain, for she can sell him nothing but the Pox, or Repentance. As for their upper parts, they are the Shops of _Cupid_, and their lower parts are his Warehouse. Length of time makes them turn Bank-rupts, spoiling their Game by wrinckling their faces, which paint must rectify, but so hardly, that with all their black Spots and Patches they look but like a rusty Gamon of Bacon stuck with Cloves, scarce so beautiful, but not half so savoury; coming to this Age, she is like a rotten stick, only fit to kindle green ones. In short, they are a loathsome stinking Carreon, too unclean to enter into Heaven, too diseased to continue longer on Earth; the shame and stain of her Sex, the scorn of wise-men, and utter ruine of fools. These two Brase of Whores were taken up at _Excester_ upon the like account as the former Females were, for Whoring, Filching, and debauching, and so suffered the same doom with the rest. That famous City since it had a name, had never been so pester’d before with such a brood of Cockatrices. It is true, your _London_ Doxies will go down into the Countrey sometimes for their pastime, with their Cullyes, but when ere they come, it is but a touch and away, but these deluding and destroying _Syrens_, staid so long, till they were ready to spawn, and had not their own too publick Roguery detected them, they in a little time longer might have infected half the Countrey.

Our Master having intelligence of this brave booty, rode to _Exeter_, where agreeing for this parcel of Cattle, he took them all down with him to _Barnstable_, shipping them immediatly upon his arrival; not long after my Rogueship (being nipt in the Bud of my Roguish designs, my forwards prancks shewing what a dangerous fellow I might prove if I were let alone to grow up in them,) was committed to the custody of the Master of the Ship, to carry me with the rest to some remote place far enough distant from _England_, that it might not be disturbed with the noise of our lewd and vitious Practises. I had not been many hours among them, before I began to take special notice of my new Comrades, and not many dayes e’re I drew such remarkable observations from them all, as to give you this account of them, the major part whereof is the extract of their own confessions; and now I shall proceed as to our Voyage.

CHAP. XII.

_He is made a Cabbin-Boy, and shews what is the duty thereof; A pleasant
drunken encounter between Himself, little Miss, and two other supposed
Rivals; his Crime, and Punishment. He returns for_ England, _and
coming to_ Graves end, _he discovers a notable trick of a Justice in
discovering one that usually stole his Wood; Also, an incomparable
Adventure of a young Woman, and himself in one Hammock together._

Never had _villanous Exiles_ such a fair Passage as we had, and to speak the truth, though nothing could have daunted me, yet the calmness of the Sea, and the clearness of the weather, did very much encourage me to be a Sea-man. My Master was a very facetious merry man, and one of no mean understanding, who seeing the freeness of my jocular humour, did not hinder the care of his business, he acknowledged to have a benefit in me, which few others received from their Servants, not only injoying my labour and pains taking, but receiving a divertisement in the execution thereof. I waited on my Master diligently, swabb’d his Cabbin daily, made his Bed, cleansed the House of Office often, and who so ready as I to fetch the Victuals abaft, and above all things minded my Masters ringing the Bell, as it was my duty, so it was my discretion and prudence; for had I at any time been playing the Rogue out of hearing the Bell, if it rang in that interval, I was assuredly drubb’d; for faults of a higher nature, I was laid over a Gun and lasht, or tyed by the Thumbs, and whipt with a Cat of Nine Tails.

My lodging was in the Steerage near the Bulkhead, that I might be ready and within hearing: And though I was so very a Rogue ashore, yet I was a man of credit aboard, for my Master trusted me with all the choice comforts which concerned his Life, committing to my charge his Wines, both _Spanish_ and _French_, with Brandy, and several cordial Waters, Sugar, all sorts of Spices; Tobacco, and what not, expedient for long Voyage. Such regard he had of me, that he taught me to Write, and Cypher, which for so short a time I understood so well, as I became the wonder of every one in the Ship; seeing me so forward, he did put me on the copying of his Journals, taught me how to take off the Log, to take the height of the Sun at twelve a Clock, by which we know what Latitude we are in; the knowledge of these things I gained not under three or four Voyages, but in this first expedition I could run up to the Maintop, and furl a Sail, though in a stress of Weather.

I minded so much my business, that I seldom visited any of the Passengers I formerly described, and had almost forgot my little _Miss_, but perceiving my Masters former kindness to them, was converted into harsh and rough usage, tumbling them like Dogs into the Hold, when sometimes they offered to come upon the Decks to Air themselves, I could not but pity them; and to Buoy up their Spirits, I would frequently give them a Dram, to be sure my _Miss_ had a treble portion, and would often steal her fresh meat, than which I know not what is more valuable in a long run at Sea.

I acted not my business so closely, but that my Master discovered the goodness of my nature to my fellow-travellers; however finding no considerable loss and decay of his Liquors, only threatned me for that time what wonderful punishment he would inflict upon me, if ever he catcht me in the like again: I thinking he had but jested, and trusting to my wit for the secret management of the project, and the excuse thereof when it was effected by the instigation of two lusty young fellows, I was induced to steal from my Master a Bottle of Sack, and getting into a close corner with my forementioned Doxy, whom I had singled out, and these two Fellows, we made a shift to drink it off; they prompted me to fetch another, but I would not yield, till I had first gone aloft, to see whether the Coast was clear; finding my Master asleep in the great Cabbin, I got out a Bottle of French-Wine, which we dispatcht as we had done the other; not satisfied with this, they perswaded me by all means to fetch another, and with that they would be contented; I would not condescend in any case, till the witch my Wench (that by this time was got above half drunk) intreated me with _prithee do, what will you deny me?_ and then I could hold out no longer; but being by the Liquor in a fit mood to do any Roguery, I promised them to return with some more with all expedition; now I began to consider that what we had drank already, was not so strong as Brandy, and therefore lookt on that Liquor most convenient for our drunken purpose; I opened a _Guard de-vines_, and taking out almost a Quart Bottle, I made what haste I could to my seasoned Drunkards, who were eagerly gazing for me; but finding them too petulantly familiar with my _Mistress_, I had once a mind to have staved the Bottle, but that I should lose my share of the Brandy, but dissembling well my passion, I drank on with them; but I by reason of the tenderness of my Age, and my Female friend being not accustomed to drinking, were not able to hold out with them: the fumes ascending into my head, I thought my self as good as any man, (judge you whether I was not a proper one at fourteen years of Age?) and would not take an affront from any, and so charging them with the abuse they had done me in being too sawcy with my concerns, I made no more ado, but fell foul with them both, my little _Virago_ seeing me engaged, was resolv’d not to be idle, but with the Glass Bottle lays one of them over the Cox-comb, which breaking, cutt his pate, the sight of his blood made him more afraid than hurt, and fearing lest he should bleed himself to death, acquits our Company, and ran with all speed to the Chirurgion, in the mean time we made our party good with the other, and so pounded him, that he was glad to shoot the Pit, and leave us sole Conquerors of the Field, having now no other enemy in sight to contend with us, I took my stout Amazon by the hand, and led her up aloft in triumph, the Sea-men were ready to die with laughter to see how we had mall’d those two Boobies; but their laughter increast to that excess, that it wakened my Master to see me and my Damsel strutt and reel to and fro the Decks, bidding defiance to them all, daring the best of them to touch her upon their perils; as I was thus Lording it, my Master made his appearance, who was so surprized he knew not what to say, neither was it to any purpose, for my Damsel was as merry as a Hawk, who nothing but sang whilst I _Don-Drunken Furioso_ was storming like a _Raging Turk_.

My Master perceiving that nothing would appease my wrath, nor silence the harmonious Tongue of my tippled Madam, commanded us both to be clapt in the _Bilboes_, and there to continue till we were a little more sober. We soon talkt ourselves asleep, and sleept as soundly as if we had lain on a Feather-bed, awakening, we wondred to see our selves in that condition, and could not imagine how we came there, but by some inchantment; but our admiration and amazement were soon converted into something of another nature, by my Masters sending for us; coming before him, there did I see my two Antagonists, the sight whereof immediately informed my memory with the precedent days proceedings; my face did presently discover my guilt.

_Heu quam difficile est crimen non prodere vultu?_
Alas how hard it is for any face
To hide a crime, if it hath any Grace?

And had not our countenances betrayed us, there were too many apparent evidences for our conviction. Now did I see my _quondam_ loving friend lay aside the pleasantness of his former looks, and assume the severe gravity of a Judges aspect, and having dismist my fighting Madam, sentenced me and my two combatants to be that instant conveyed to the Capston, which was done accordingly, and there were we seized, inclosed within a Hoop, and a Cat of nine tails delivered into each our hands; and this being done, said our Master, _Let me see how you will fight now? if you do not lash one another soundly, I will have those that shall_; so commanding the Capston Bar to be turned round, to work we went; I laid it on gently at first on him that was before me, but finding the smart of the blows increase, and the lashes multiply in strength as well as quantity, by him that was behind me, I spared my fore-man not a jot, but as fast and as smartly as I could, I jerkt him about; this caused him to redouble his blows on the other, he again on me, and so we went round in that unmerciful manner, that our Master out of meer pity was forc’d to release us.

* * * * *

The severity of this punishment (for none could have had the heart to have whipt us as we whipt our selves,) cured me of my Drunken fits for that whole Voyage, and so reduced me to order and civility, that I was once more received into his favour. And now I grew so cautious in the disposal of those Liquors of Life, that none participated with me in their enjoyments, but my Master and his friends, who was a severe check over me in what he had committed to my charge. Immediately after our arrival at _Barbadoes_, having complemented the Island with the usual ceremony of firing some Guns, a swarm of Boats from thence settled about our Ship, the Planters therein boarded us on every side, as if they intended to have made lawful Prize of us. Our Commodities between Decks were forthwith rubbig’d, (rummig’d I mean) and exposed to the view of the Buyer; they need not question the goodness of the Ware, since it hath been sufficiently tryed, and could not want a _probatum_ on the report of hundreds. Nothing troubled me more than to see my young Female Comrade truckt for Tobacco, the exchange of equal levity, and as the one is fit only to be burnt, so in time may the other, though so green one would imagine nor capable of entertaining a flame. They were all disposed off in a very short time, and those that despaired of ever having Husbands in _England_, had them here ready made to their hands, and they with others found in this remote place a conveniency for raising a new credit and reputation, which they had irrecoverably lost elsewhere.

* * * * *

All the time that we lay here at Anchor I was not permitted to go ashore, a thing that griev’d me to the heart, especially having not the benefit of others, who had the freedom of going ashore and refresh themselves with fresh Provisions. Our Sea-men that were on Ship-board would have the same conveniences as if they were where properly they might be had, but were so inhumane to me, that I must eat what the Ship afforded, or fast; this they did, that I might adventure another whipping by stealing my Masters Liquors, knowing how strongly I longed to taste of fresh meat: not a bit went down my throat but what I purchased with the hazard aforesaid; but my Masters carowsing at the _Indian Bridge_, made him forget what was exhausted out of his Cabbin, and so I came off undiscovered.

* * * * *

Having taken in our Loading proper for our Transportation, as to Tobacco, Indigo, Cotton, and Sugar, (which last sweetned all the bitter Pills of affliction which I had swallowed) we set Sail for _England_, and with a prosperous Gale, and good weather, we safely arrived in the _Downs_, where lying a small time, we came away to _Graves-End_, and there we staid two Tides. My Master going ashore, I begg’d him that he would let me go with him, having not set foot on Land in so long time; the consideration thereof perswaded him to grant my request; and taking an opportunity to slip from my Master, I chanc’d to happen into an House, where at that little time of my staying happen’d a remarkable passage. There was a Justice of the Peace that lived not far from this House, who had a Wood-yard adjoyning hereunto: the near adjacency of this Fewel tempted my Landlord to purloin from thence, that he might save some expence in firing; but he did it so often, that he caused the Justice to suspect he was grosly abused by some or other thereabout; and that he might find out the offender, he ordered his Servants to bore large holes in some of the Loggs, and fill them with Gun-powder, plugging up the same holes very close again; which was performed according to instruction, and the design took its desired effect; for our Landlord according to his wonted custom, came into the Yard, and happened to take those very Loggs, and carried them home to use them as he had done the rest; his Pot was over the Fire, and a Spit before it, in order to a Supper bespoke by some strangers. I was smoaking by the fire side, (that you may know I was not ill bred,) and had a Pot of Ale in my hand sitting very near the Fire, my Landlord eagerly bid me remove farther off that he might have room to supply his decaying Fire, (it was well for me;) having laid on those Loggs, in a little time after came an old Woman (whose ancient and deformed withered face had made her a long time suspected for a Witch,) who begged heartily for an Alms, but such was the cruel hard heartedness of our Landlord, that he not only denyed her, but rudely thrust her from the door, the poor helpless Woman durst not openly exclaim, but as she was muttering to her self her great discontent, the Fire got to the Powder inclosed in the Wood aforesaid, and being so straitly and throughly confin’d, burst the Logs like a _Granado_, tearing the Meat off the Spit, blowing the Pot off the Hooks, and brake some small matter of the Brickwork of the Chimney. My loss consisted in the dropping of my Pot of Ale with the suddain astonishment; but my Landlord lookt like a fellow distracted out of his wits; recollecting himself, and seeing what dammage was done him, concluded this begger-woman was the cause of all this mischief, believing her now to be what she had been a long time suspected for a Witch, and therefore leaves his House confusedly, (which gave me an opportunity to trip off and leave my reckoning unpaid,) and getting a Constable, seiz’d this ignorant piece of antiquity, carrying her before the Justice that had lost his Wood from time to time; My Landlord hereupon largely acquainted his Worship the sad hap that had befallen him and the grounds of his suspecting this Woman; which when the Justice had heard to the full, he then understood who was the Wood-stealer, and so acquitting the old Woman, but committed my Landlord, who must now pay for his Children sitting by other Peoples Fires.