Chapter IV: Part 4

Coming home, this hypocritical jealous Devil prepared a sumptuous Dinner, and invited his supposed Rival, with many friends to rejoyce with him in this happy reconciliation between him and his wife, and in the mean time he applied himself to an Apothecary, an intimate friend of his, whom he thought wicked enough for his purpose, and one that he might confidently trust, telling him that his wife was a Whore, and that he knew the Rogue her lascivious Paramour; that he was a dead man if he was not revenged on them both by death, and for that purpose he must help him to a strong dose of poyson that shall dispatch them instantly; the Apothecary after some pauses, with the proviso of never being discovered, consented, and gave him something in a paper, which with much joy he received, and carried home with all expedition. By this time dinner was ready and serv’d up, the Guests seated, and he bidding them welcome with a chearful countenance, declar’d to the whole Company that he had highly wrong’d his wife, and that Gentleman pointing to him, that if they would forgive him, he would make them amends; they readily condescended to what he had propounded, and now nothing but a general jolity was observed throughout the Table, the Glasses went about merrily, there being all sorts of wine to excess; and now let me bring this feast to its Catastrophe. The Cloth being removed, and all prepared and ready for a Grace-cup, this graceless man, the Master of the Feast, call’d for a Bottle of Wine, in which before he had conveyed what he had received from the Apothecary, and filling out thereof in a large glass up to the brimm, drank an health to his wife, wishing they might never have more difference here, his Wife and all the Company gladly accepted the notion; he having drank it off filled to his wife, which she drank off to her former Lover, he receives it, and drank, as the other had done, to the next having so done, the Husband started up, saying, It was enough, it should go no further; every one admired at the humour, which he perceiving, said, you must think I love my wife and her friends better than so, than that they should drink what you do, they deserve to have something therein better than ordinary to end all differences on Earth, and make them Saints in Heaven, I love them not so ill as not to bear them company; Come, come to your prayers for a prosperous journey, our time is but short. Lord! what a confusion was all the room in, when they heard him speak after this manner, knowing now that he had perfected his revenge by poysoning them and himself too. Several were dispatcht instantly for Antidote to expel the poyson, whilst the poor Gentlewoman and her friend were on their knees offering up their last Petitions: having said some Prayers, Husband, said she, I forgive you with all my Soul, but know, I ever lov’d you too well to defile your Bed, and as these are (as I suppose) the last words I shall ever speak to you more, I am innocent as to what you unjustly suspect me with; and let me, said her friend, on the dying words of a sinful man protest, I never defiled your Bed, and do believe her from all others as chaste as the chastest Vestal-Virgin; whilst they were thus confessing, the Apothecary came in just as the Husband had kneeled to ask Heaven forgivenness for this triple murder. The Apothecary seeing them all in this posture, he broke out into a very extravagant laughter, which made the Husband turn about his head, who seeing the Apothecary, cryed out, Seize that Villain, it is he that hath help’d me to do this damn’d Act, it is he that hath furnished me with those hellish materials to murder the innocent; by this time conceit had so wrought on the other two, that by their faces it was high time the Apothecary saw to unriddle the whole matter; wherefore desiring them to rise, Gentlemen, said he, the Master of this house upon a discontent grounded on jealousie, the particulars whereof you all know, came to me, and desired assistance in his revenge by poyson, had I deny’d him he would have gone to some else, who might have embraced his wicked design, but to the intent I might hinder all further attempts, I gave him nothing but what was harmless, and assure your selves there is no danger in what you have drank, my life for yours; this strangely amaz’d them all, the Gentlewoman was demanded how she felt her self, she acknowledged to have no sense of alteration, and so did the other; the Husband seeing how fouly his Plot was discovered, and being ashamed to breath after so much intentional guilt, drew a Dagger and attempted to stabb himself three or four times, but was still prevented, being at last somewhat pacified by his good wife, he retired, and having for two years sequestred himself from the enjoyments of the world, exercising himself in all things that became a penitent man, he vowed a weekly pennance during his life, and so was throwly reconciled to his wife, and the moderate enjoyments of this life.

And thus Mistress _Dorothy_ finished all her Stories acquainting us further, that amongst these many Amorists that came to see her, her friend the Scrivener, became intimately acquainted with her, and frequenting her Company often, gained so great an Interest in her, that he being bound for the _East Indies_, perswaded her to go with him in mans apparel, which she did, and there found some of her old acquaintance, and one that had been so familiar with her before in _England_. Every one had now given an account of the most considerable passages of their lives, excepting only the Captain, who being sollicited thereunto, freely condescended to anatomize his life, without mincing the least material truth, and thus in the Chapters following gives you the whole relation.

CHAP. VII.

_The Sea-Captain gives an account of his illegitimate Birth at_ Bristol,
_was left on a Stall, and maintained by the Parish. He is deluded by a
Bawd, and perswaded to steal; he is taken_ ipso facto, _committed,
arraigned, and condemned to be transported; the Bawd is carted._

It’s now high time for me to acknowledge the great Satisfaction I have received in your relating so many witty and pleasant passages, that have occurr’d in your lives time hitherto; nor can I (without injuring your ingenuity) but commend your generous freedom in discoursing every Remarque, and not omiting any observable, though you knew it could not chuse but cut the very throat of your dying Reputations; and that I may not seem to fall short of that frankness, and gallantry, I will not so much as seem tainted of the late unpardonable sin of these times; Men making it generally their business to censure the Lives and Actions of others, without being in the least sensible of their own, or amending those they cannot hide. Wherefore I shall not abate my self an Ace, nor shall I let a Vice escape, (whereof I am and hath been plentifully stored) without letting you take notice of its shape, complexion, and constitution; Nor shall I hide this truth from you, that I came into the world by stealth; being begot in _Hugger-mugger_. As my Parents begot me rashly, so they left me carelesly to the world, not doubting, but that which was gotten with so much heat, would live in spight of Fate. They were the more resolute in this cruel resolution of leaving me on a Stall, having generally observed the good Fortune that generally attends Bastards. I was not long left on the Stall, (as my Nurse hath several times since informed me,) but that Hunger awakening me, I piped so shrilly, (and so unexpectedly lowd from a Child so young,) that I soon penetrated the ears of a great many pitiful minded persons that were passing by that way: but the greatest number were of the Female Sex. The Maids, you may think had fine tittering sport; whilst I poor Babby cryed for I knew not what, and well it had been if I never had known what it was to shed a Tear. At length a notable old Woman of the vulgar sort, pressing into the crowd; _Stand aside_ (quoth she) _ye giggletting Huzzies; get ye home to your Mistresses service; there is some of ye, for all your laughing now I warrant ye, will be putting finger in eye before these nine Months, upon the like account_, and so steps to me; _What_ (said she) _the Child must not starve, though it be a By blow; its none of the poor infants fault_; and so opening her Breast, she conducted her Nipple to my mouth, which immediately quieted my bawling. Various were the Discourses and suppositions of the People whose Child I should be, every one giving in his verdict according to his imagination, or the suspitions he had entertained of such and such. Some that were more curious and inquisitive than the rest, strictly survey’d me all over, and having commended me for a lusty Child (as generally such are, who are begotten by the heat of blood and strength, grown to full perfection) but likewise praised the proportion and promising features of my tender countenance. At last, a Paper some espy’d pinn’d to my breast, which my Nurse preserving, since I was of years, she gave them me, and I committed them to my memory, which were these:

_You see I’me pretty, and am cleanly clad;
Shew then more pity, than my Mother had.
But four days since, that I received breath;
O do not let me cry my self to death.
Take home your Child, this Parish is my Mother;
And what’s distressed in it is my Brother.
Keep me awhile, for in some time don’t fear,
I’le fully recompence your cost and care._

Whilst these were reading by a fellow, that thought himself not meanly so, because he could read written hand; there was a general silence, but no sooner had he ended, but there arose a greater tattling noise in the Crowd, than twenty Bake-houses, or a Fair in any Countrey town could produce. Saith one; _I warrant the Father on’t was no Fool, for doubtlesly he wrote the Verses, but the Mother was without question a cruel Quean, that could find in her heart to let so lovely a Babe to perish by extremity of cold_; for it was then about _January_. The Constable was straight way informed of this accident, who readily came, and caused me to be carryed to a Churchwardens: the Woman that was so tender-hearted as to suckle me, was glad of the imployment, hoping she might be the Woman elected to be my Nurse; which fell out accordingly, she lately loosing her own Child of a quarter old. The good woman was overjoyed she had got another to supply the place of her own; especially since she suspected that her age would not permit her to be assisting in the getting of another, and therefore was the more tender of me; Her care and fondness made me grow apace, so that in 12 Months I was called her chopping Boy. To pass over that age, wherein the understanding is in _Embrio_, and Reason and Experience have not yet consulted about the governing of the grand concerns of mans future being; I shall only give you an account of my Life from the Ninth Year of my Age, till this present.

My Nurse could not choose, when I was but Seven years old, but take notice of many things I committed, for which she severely chastis’d me, endeavouring to stop me in my first proceedings, knowing my pretty Rogueries had their rise from an inclination to all manner of Vice. Above all things I loved all sorts of strong Liquors, not that anything accounted pleasurable, could go amiss with me; for how could it otherwise be, since my Parents, (as I have been informed) studied only how to enjoy their Heaven here, by enjoying what was agreeable most to sence; and therefore I could not be unlike them, who was the absolute extract of no common delights. I say I loved in an extraordinary measure, whatsoever was strong, yet being too young, and so could not drink for the sake of good company, I would greedily drink for its own sake, and that I might procure my satisfaction that way, I found frequent opportunities to steal small parcels out of my Nurses Purse when she was asleep, and then pretending that she sent me for Ale, would drink it by the way; Any small trivial thing, as a Knife, &c. in any House wherever I came, I instantly seiz’d them as my proper Goods and Chattels, and converted them to the use aforesaid: I had a very good convenience of a Bawdy-house not above a Musquet shot from our House; the well disposed Matron thereof, would not only receive what I brought, but would give me half as much Ale as it was worth, besides her blessing, (curse be upon it, I never thriv’d since I had it,) the breath of her best wishes being enough to blast the most promising hopes, that ever yet aspiring Youth entertain’d within his breast; Nay, she told me I was her white Boy, instructed and encouraged me in the Art of theevery, telling me the welcomer I was, the oftner I came. By this means I began to know what it was to keep Company, her Wenches being my initiators, by whose help and my forward endeavours, I commenced Master of Art, before I could sum up Twelve years; I soon became Professor of that deep Mystery, and could when occasion served not, swear mouthingly, (which others call gracefully,) looking impudently, talk impertinently, or imprudently, drink profoundly, and smoak everlastingly. I had got a trick to laugh at every thing, because I would not be accounted morose, or phlegmatick; The melancholy man is a thing by itself, differing from the whole creation; in which every individual _species_ loves either an intercourse in converse, or amicable Society. That humour certainly was spawned by the Devil if it be true (as it is affirmed) that all Vices take their Original from Melancholy: on the contrary, what fault can he commit, whilst he is laughing, and merry, that deserves so much as the knitting of a Brow? Not that I will excuse my self; for my laughter was immoderate, and unseasonable, things so offensively ridiculous to any wise man, (as I have considered since) that it were better to be destitute of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should abuse the grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart.

I could not have gone to a fitter School than this, to learn Impudence, Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with all other Vices and Debaucheries, which commonly flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for the Devil. My frequent ramblings after this manner abroad, and in my returns, my jolly temper and jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin to suspect me, calling me to an account where I had been, with whom, and whether I had not tippled. I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short a time, that my tongue and feet made a firm contract never to betray me, and therefore to all her demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However she could not but sensibly find a decrease in her small stock; her chief livelihood depending on the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs, and the like, and thought all her endeavours were blasted from above: I saw her much troubled, and grieved, and I could not but be a little troubled, that I should be the destruction of my preserver; but as seldom any such perplexing thoughts came into my head, so I was ever cautious how I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed, that I should not be the ruine of this Woman, and therefore permitted me to go no longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little distance off our House, I stept into a lower room in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I imagined the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should have askt some blind question or other; for I was sufficiently well acquainted, not only in that Parish, but through all _Bristol_; that was the place of my Nativity: I say, seeing none, I catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was Silver, (but its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into my Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered, endeavouring with what speed I could to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me to the Bawdy-house, which I had no sooner entred, but I was groaping in my Breeches for my purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred to my Landlady, desiring her to be civil to me; _ne’re question_ (quoth the fellow behind my back, that had watcht, and now catcht me) _you shal have as much civility as a whip will bestow on your back; besides what kindness lies in my power to do you_. Hearing him say so, I would have run a race with him, but I found him indisposed, being out of breath before, and therefore held me fast, desiring one of those that were crowding about the door to hear what was the matter, to go and fetch a Constable, which one more officious Rascal than the rest, presently did; and the Constable taking me in custody, and about to carry me before the Justice (cryed) _Hold, good Mr. Constable, I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put your self to the trouble to view the House farther; which by this gave Matrons leave, I question not we shall find well furnished with variety of Goods which by her constant care, and the indefatigable pains of others she hath gotten together_. This fellow, with the Constable, and my own roguish Urchinship had no sooner entred the Kitchin, but he espyed a Plate with the Letters of his name on’t, which I had stoln about a fortnight before from him: which taking up in his hands, sharply demanded of the good old Gentlewoman, how long it had been a sojourner in her house, and by what means it came to stray so far from home? This antiquated piece of more than common impudence, did not stick to tell him that she bought two dozen of them of such a one, that lately broke up House keeping. _Where are they_, quoth he? _before you on the shelf_, quoth she, with as much ignorance, as confidence. Upon this, he made his eyes the diligent and speedy Surveyors of that shelf on which the Plate stood, and of two dozen he found not two marked with one and the same Letters. _Why thou illiterate fool_ (said he) _I took thee till now to be an old crafty Devil-ridden Hag; the very Marks_ (which are all several) _do sufficiently evidence that each had his Master, before thou wert Mistress of the four and twenty_. Hereupon he made a strict Survey over the Utensils of the Kitchen, and found most of them of the like nature. Some trivials whereof he knew to be his own, as Spoons, Porringers, Sawcers, and other small things of light carriage, and easie conveyance, all which he seized and committed them to the custody of the Constable. Then turning to me; _Come my little-pretty-rascally thief_ (quoth he) _as you have shewn your self ingenuous, so ingeniously confess what things you have stollen from time to time, either from me or my Neighbourhood, and in so doing I will stand your friend, and endeavour to mitigate the severity of your ensuing punishment_.

I hearkened diligently to his flattering words, (for so I found them) but knew not what to resolve on, thinking on the old Proverb, _Confess and be hang’d_ made me as silent, as a _Turkish_ Mute, or one born dumb. Which he perceiving and finding me timerous; _come, confess like a good Boy, saith he, otherwise it shall be the worse for you_. Hearing him say so, I trembling looking stedfastly on him, to my great sorrow could read in his angry countenance the manner and severity of my punishment. Certainly had he at the time been arraigned upon suspition of Murder, the Judge needed no other evidence than that of his monstrously cruel looks. Never did Keeper of _New-gate_ look half so frightingly on a re-taken Fellon, having broken Prison, than he on me, and therefore without dallying with him further, I fell on my knees, and with as many salt tears, as sweet words begging his pardon, I informed him of every particular I could remember that I had stollen from him; assuring him further, that it was not my own natural disposition, but the instigation of that old Beldame (pointing to the Bawd) that induced me thereunto; encouraging me daily in this pilfering way, by receiving what I brought her, and making me drunk for it; and if I had not brought her a purchase once in two dayes, I had her menaces and threats; besides her upbraiding me with sloath and idleness, and calling me her good boy for nought. Mrs. Bawd had not the patience to hold her tongue longer, but too hastily endeavouring to excuse her self, by accusing me, her lying pretences had like to have choaked her by disgorging them too fast, so that she was forced to pawse a while till she had recovered a little breath, and wiped away the froth she had so plentifully foamed at the mouth; presently after she opened in this manner; _Why you young Rogue? how dare you thus abuse an honest Woman (though I say it) of my Calling? I am old enough to be your Grandmother, and therefore you might have reverenced my Age. Besides I have paid Scot and Lot these two and thirty years where I live, and as well, or better acquainted with the Justice, than most of the Parish are with his Clerk; Sirrah, it is well known what I am; a Mother of many Children in an honest calling, and never left them to be kept by the Parish, as your Mother did you, Whores-egg. I have had Knights and gallant Gentlemen in my House early and late, and none of them ever yet could say black was mine eye. I have had as fine handsom Gentlewomen (and young too) as any in this City, that would not have dined with their friend without me, I thank them; and as they were my Lodgers, they had so great a respect for me, that they would not stir abroad, or hardly do any thing without my approbation, and such was their esteem of me, that I am venerably called their Mother by them, and others to this day._

_Well Mother_, (then said my Securer) _let us go to this Justice you are so well acquainted with; I doubt me, that knowledge you have of him will do you no great good; it would have been more your advantage if you had less known him_. And so without further delay he charging the Constable with us, and the Constable charging others to aid and assist him, my Grandame and I were both conveyed before the Justice, where upon examination I confessed all, not mincing the truth in the least, laying all the fault on the Bawd, who endeavoured to excuse her self, but to no purpose for the Justice told her he knew her too well, and was glad of this opportunity to put a period to her Bawdy reign; as I had confest my self guilty of those petty thefts, so I had my _mittimus_ immediately drawn, and so had she hers too, and the more deservedly, by how much the Receiver is worse than the Thief. We wanted not attendance (you may imagine) to the Gaol: the whole Street, and the next to that being raised in an instant to see a spectacle so preposterously disagreeable. In the first place a thing so antiquated and old, that there was not one on Earth living that knew her age, neither could she tell herself, having outlived the knowledge thereof, and yet instead of minding her winding sheet, she would have stoln her own Coffin rather than lawfully buy it, had she any way of a cleanly conveyance; nay would have cheated the Sexton of a Burying-place, if her nails, which were long enough, had they been as strong, could dig her own Grave. In the next place, a sight to be lamented, one so young, that he had no sooner skipt out of his Hanging sleeves, but was gotten into the Highway, or ready road to be hang’d.

* * * * *

The Crowd and throng of People was so great about us, that the Constable made what speed he could to Shop us, so that we were forced to march a-pace, a thing that would vex a Horse to be on a Hand-Gallop to his own throat cutting. The Boys and Girls swarm’d about me, some calling me singly, Thief; others, theeving Bastard; which unpleasant sounds did so often beat against the Drum of my ear, that angers Heroick passion was quickly alarm’d, and did soon put it self into a posture of revenge. Though I knew my self basely born, yet I found my blood had the same heat and height of that of Princes; and though I was too sensible of the Guilt of their aspersions, yet my lofty Spirit would not brook to be upbraided therewith; wherefore, if any with his reproaches came so near, as that I could reach him with my Fist, I would not there fail to ring him a Peal. I had dasht so many in the Face, Eyes, and Mouth, or wherever I could best strike, that I engaged a young Army of Enemies against me, who in Front and Rear, nay, on each wing too, did so desperately assault me, that had I had the hands of a score of _Briariuses_ they would have been to few, if no stronger than mine. The Constable at last was forc’d to be my Champion, who so bravely defended me, as not to deprive me of my offending my numerous Foes.

You must not imagine that our good Matron went along more quietly than my self, who, (while I was so disadvantagiously fighting my way through) was pelted on all sides with rotten Apples, Addle Egs, Dirt, or whatever was filthy or loathsom; so that by that time we got to the Gaol, she was now fitter for a Pest-house than a Prison, having all those stinking ingredients about her, that are the common procurers of an universal Contagion. She no sooner entred the Gate, but the Prisoners cryed out, sough, what have you brought hither? Do you think Want and Vermin will not kill us fast enough, but you must thus poyson us? Such Criminals as were so skilful as to know their own Fortunes, were in hopes that the stench of this woman would save the Judge the trouble of Condemning; and the Sheriff the labour of hanging them. Others who knew they should not die that Sessions of a suffocating Quinsy, laid presently violent hands on her, and dragging her into the Yard, there Pumpt her sweet and clean. The next work was to Hand-cuff us, and clap bolts between our Legs. My Godfathers (the Churchwardens of the Parish) hearing of their graceless God-childs confinement, came to visit me, who were worse than ever _Jobs_ comforters were, for they only upbraided them of those secret sins which had thus publickly disgraced him; but these told me, shame was too mild a punishment, and hanging was too good for me. In short, that should be my end, and wisht I had saved the Parish from charges, by being hanged some years before. My Grandam hearing what a sad sentence my Ghostly-Fathers pronounced against me, and that I must inevitably go to Pot concluded she should be Roast-meat to bear me Company at old _Nicks_ table; for the People by her Diabolical looks were more than half persuaded she could not but be a Witch at least.

Sessions approaching I often meditated on the word, _Hanging_; but the word struck so heavy on my Imagination, that it rather benummed than anyways quickned the sence of punishment: Death I lookt on then with the ignorant and misjudging eyes of a childish understanding, fancying that it was but the meer privation of Life, and there is an end, and not the separation of Soul and Body for a while, till they be by the Infinity rejoyn’d, never to be separated again, either in endless Joys, or Eternal Woes. But as often as I thought I should be soundly whipt, or but have as many single stripes, for every several Roguery I committed, so often would the tears trickle from my eye, whilst my heart was ready to burst, not having the benefit to discharge its grief.

Whilst I was ruminating with my self, what would become of me, my good Nurse came to me, at whose sight I was ready to dissolve into Tears, neither was she much behind hand with me, so that it was very difficult to judge who wept fastest. But at length recovering her self, she charged me home with all my miscarriages, and thinking she had made me fully sensible of them (which she thought she had done by my pitiful looks) she then instructed me, how I should behave my self for the future, if I escaped this bout, and finally counselling me that I should freely confess my faults to the Judge, and then most penitently (with all submissiveness) beg his Honour not only to pardon, but pity the tenderness of my Age. I con’d my Lesson so well, that three days after, when I was carried to the Sessions House amongst the rest of the Prisoners, and being called to the Bar, I was bid hold up my Hand, and answer to guilty or not guilty, to what I stood Indicted? I answered guilty (_submissa voce_) with so low a voice and so much seeming shamefacedness, that the judge I perceived took special notice of my seeming modest behaviour. He thereupon askt me how old I was: My Lord (said I) my Nurse informs me I am twelve years old. A prime youngster indeed, replyed my Lord; but why said you your Nurse inform’d you, and not your Mother? May it please your Honour, (said I) I was never so happy, either to know what she was, or where she is. At this reply of mine, I observed his Lordship more amazed, than he was before surprized, to see so young a Felon appear before him; his wonder was so great, that he only caused me to be set aside, and so proceeded to the Trial of others. I was so kind to my Granney, that I impeacht her not, and indeed her _mittimus_ ran (by the connivance of her old friend the Justice, who had been a good Milch Cow to him, but could now keep her off no longer) for only keeping a House of Debauchery, and rank Bawdry. At the last day of the Sessions I was sentenced to be transported, and the venerable Gentlewoman (out of pure love to see me aboard) had the favour to ride (by reason of her great age) in a certain thing, vulgarly called a Tumbril, being Carted through the Town, attended according to custom, with the usual Ceremonies that are duly performed on such solemn occasions.

CHAP. VIII.

_Prisons marr and not mend, giving growth to the seeds of Roguery. He is
releast out of Gaol, and sent aboard a_ Virginia _man, in order to his
transportation; he makes his escape on shore in the Cock-boat from_
King road, _and travails on foot to_ Barnstaple; _he is entertained by
an Hostler, what a notorious trick he serves his Master; and how again
his Master was notably revenged of him._

In that short time of my confinement I had made a considerable addition to my stock of Boldness and Roguery, and was competently furnished with subtility and craft to manage my Roguish design: Nothing troubled me more, than that I had not my liberty to put in practice what I thought I very well understood. Thus you see a Prison most commonly mars, but seldom mends any. Whilst I was wishing for, and studying how I might procure my enlargement, a Merchant came into the Prison, and enquired for the Lad which was sentenced to be Transported; I (being overjoyed with the hopes of getting loose) prevented his further enquiry by telling him, I was the person. Hereupon he fixed his eyes upon me, which seem’d well pleased at the spackness of my youth, and pleasantly askt me; whether if I were not forc’d, I had any desire to travail: I told him I fancied it above any thing, and were I left to my liberty, would make it my choice above all things. _Since that you are so willing_ (said he) _you shall go for_ Virginia; _and that I may be sure of you, stay here till I am ready to go, in the mean time I shall provide you necessaries, and when the time comes, pay your Fees._ I presently framed a sad countenance, and begged of him for the sake of all that was Sacred, to take me with him, and I would serve him in any condition he pleased; and that if he did mistrust me, if he pleased, I would go instantly aboard. Being half perswaded I would perform what I promised, and taking compassion of my pitiful moan, called the Keeper to him, and paying my Fees, instantly sees me out before him; he would not absolutely trust me yet, and therefore bad me go straight forward till he countermanded me, which was but once in all the way, he drove me to his own house. This Gentleman was one of the most considerable Merchants in _Bristol_, who trading much to _Virginia_, questioned not but to make a considerable Return of me, being a lusty young comly Lad. By reason our ship lay by the Key side, a lusty Vessel of three hundred Tuns, carrying twenty four Guns, he would not trust me on Board, fearing lest the nearness of the Vessels lying ashore, I should have the better opportunity of making my escape: Wherefore he kept me at home with eyes enough over me; and that I might not be altogether idle, he displaced two or three old Servants of his out of their wearisom imployments, _Dog-turn-spits_ I mean (a usual custom through the whole City) that I might take their turn. Now that my Master might not think I needed to be forced upon business, mornings, and afternoons, (wherein I had some cooling hours) I voluntarily imployed in learning to write, the sight whereof gave my Master a wonderful Satisfaction; insomuch, that he bought me a new Canvas Suit, with Shoes, Stockins, Hat, and two new Shirts, but yet would not suffer me to stir aboard.

But now our Ship being rigg’d, victualed, and all things ready for a Voyage, fell down into _King-road_, and he in a Boat the next day sent me aboard of her. There being now no hopes left for escaping, I endeavoured to please my self by promising my thoughts things impossible, or very improbable when I Landed in _Virginia_. But that night there arose a great storm the Wind blowing hard at South-East, which made a very turbulent Sea, which so frighted me, that I fully resolved if I escaped this, I would never be drowned in another like it. We rode with but one Anchor, which coming home we were forc’d to drop our shete Anchor which held us, and so rid it out.

The next Morning several of our men went ashore to the _Crock_ and _Pill_, there to refresh themselves. I would have gone with them, but could not be admitted; wherefore I resolv’d ere it was long to go ashore by my self. In the day time it was impossible to attempt any such enterprize; wherefore I judged the night must assist me, or nothing would; the Wind being not fair, nor likely to be, one day most of our men took Boat, and went up to _Bristol_, where taking their leaves of their friends, came down to us as merry as Hawks, those that had been aboard all day, upon the return of the Ships Crew, went ashore to the _Pill_, where in less time, they got as considerable a Dose as the most head strong of any of the rest had done. Night coming on, sleep needed no other Harbinger to put them to rest, than their own ebriety, which soon had lull’d four parts in five into a sensless security, snoaring so loud, that I wonder they did not wake with their own noise. Now was the time I imagined, that Providence had alotted for my escape, and so seeing the Decks in a manner clear, I got into the Steerage, designing to look for the Cock-Boat, which used to be a Stearn of us, but looking out of the Port-hole I saw two lusty fellows (that were Passengers) in the Boat, and were just putting off from the Ship side. I spake softly to them, and threatned to discover them by crying out, if they would not take me in: they seeing a necessity for so doing, consented to my proposition, and in I got; they plyed the Oars so well, that we quickly got ashore, landing at _Portshead_, for the Bell would have been a means to discover us; and there turning our Boat a Drift, away we travelled by Land most part of that night; in the Morning by inquiry, we found our selves not farr from _Mineard_: we left the Town on our right hand, not daring to venture through it, and keep streight on till we came within six miles of _Barnstable_, there we lay in a Barn that night; my two other Comrades had a mind to go to _Plimouth_, but I refused to go with them, having been all suspected the day before, begging on the Road; I thought my self more secure to be alone, imagining few would suspect a Lad so young, and therefore resolved for _Barnstable_. Whither being come, I addressed my self to an Inn, where begging a while, the Hostler chanc’d to take notice of me, and seeing me to be a notable well trussed Lad, askt me, whether I would assist him in rubbing down Horse-heels? Yes (said I) with all my heart; he never questioned my fidelity, nor what friends I had, for he thought it would be to little purpose for so small a youngster to ride away with a Horse, riding to water, _&c._ The frequent falls I had, (being a bad Horseman) had like to have put me by my new occupation; for I was half of the opinion it was equally as dangerous to ride a Horse-back as to ride at Anchor: and to lift me clear out of the Saddle, my Worshipful Master did take much notice of my frequent miscarriages, and fearing lest by my unskilful riding, or some other accident I should have my neck broken one time or other and so be forced to keep me, he was resolved to turn me off; that which confirmed him in his resolution, was a scurvy trick I served him, which was intended for the Tapster, which is as followeth.

The Tapster of our Inn, when he found me any time at leisure, would commonly imploy me in attending his Guests, drawing Drink, and so forth; I seldom went into the Cellar, but I would be sure to drench my throat; for I thought I had wronged my Mouth, if I had missed one time, by which means he could not but catch me sometimes; at first he took little notice, but finding me to make it a common practice, every time he so caught me, he made my ears pay for the injuries my mouth did him; but one time above the rest, he did beat me in the Cellar so unmercifully with a Hoop-stick, that after it I thought I needed at least twenty of them to keep my ribs together: the continual pain this beating put me to, did also rack my inventions in studying how I might be revenged of him: I could find no other way but this; observing the Tapster to be very laxative, I went and consulted the House of Office, and found the middle Board to be suitable and serviceable to my purpose; for by loosing of but two or three Nails I could make it turn _topsy turvy_, like a Trencher with a Tub of water to catch Mice withal; but I I plumm’d the depth of the Vault, and found it in Golden Oar not above a yard in depth; finding that I should not hazzard his life by this enterprize, and having a brave opportunity to drink that night, (there being great store of Guests in our House) I swallowed so much for joy that my project would take, that my eyes were _miskie_: however all being abed, and I the last up, resolved to be the first in the morning to prevent others from dropping into the Pit-fall; knowing well from former experience that our loose Tapster would be the early, and first handseller of this design.

At length growing exceedingly drowsie, I fell asleep under the Manger, a wonder to me since, that the Horses by treading on me, had not spoiled my face, or some other part: about four of the Clock in the Morning I was awakened out of my sleep, by an exceeding Griping of my Guts, and found a great pronness to go to Stool; the fumes that ascended from the excess of Drinking Ale the night past, had not only intoxicated my Brain, but for that time so depraved my memory, that I remembred not any thing of the Trap I had laid for the Tapster; wherefore to obey Natures commands, I ran hastily into the House of Office, with my Breeches in my hands, and treading on the Board, it slipt up, and in I dropt.

I thought once to have cried out for help, but hang it thought I, it is better punish my nose a while, than lose my revenge: wherefore placing the Board (which I could easily reach) even again, I crept up into the corner of the Vault. I waited a great while, but none came, till my patience was almost worn out; but at last I heard the tread of some ones footing, I supposing it to be the Tapsters, was even over-joyed; But it was my Master, stepping boldly into the House of Office, and treading on the same Board, slipt into it as I had done before; whereupon catching him about the neck (for I was almost up to the Chin) which had like to have frightned him more than his fall; welcome said I, the welcomest man living; you might have come sooner, I have waited here an hour at least; he thinking the Devil had been in the Vault (for he could not conjecture any mortal could endure to be there so long) cri’d out as loud as his Wind-pipe (which was Organ-Tenor size) would permit; which doubling, he at length drew help unto him, they sent him the end of a Broomstick (preserving their hands for a sweeter imployment) by the help of which he got out; but no sooner was he on his Feet, but without so much as thanking them, cries out, the Devil is in the Vault, and so ran distractedly into the House; The People hearing him say so, ran after him, leaving me to shift for my self. There might I have staid long enough, had not my own hands helpt me out. Being in the House he smelt stronger than twenty of _Tom_-Ponds put all together, and so great was his fright, that that added somewhat to the strong scent, if any addition could be made. He was perswaded first to wash, and change his habit, before they asked any questions concerning this strangely surprizing adventure, for it was impossible to entertain any discourse with him. In the mean time I having got out, ran immediately into the Horse-pond, and there rowled and wash’t my self all over, and coming out, finding that would not absolutely do, I uncloathed my self, taking my Doublet first, and washing that throughly, and so my Breeches, with my Shirt, and every thing else about me, I washed severally and distinctly from those fetid impurities, they had contracted in the House of Office.

By this time my Master the Hostler had shifted himself, and abundance of the Neighbours were gathered about him, to be informed how this disaster befell him. _Why surely Sirs_ (said he) _it must be the Devil, and no body else, that owed me a shame, and now paid me home_; at that very instant I came into the room where my Master was, who seeing me in that manner dropping, and looking as bad, as one that had been drawn through a Common-shore; _How now_ (said he) _whence comest thou? What hast thou been doing?_ Master, said I, (if I mistake not) you were talking just now of the Devil owing you a shame, pray tell me what it was, and how he paid it you home, and I shall acquaint you with his late too much familiarity with me. Hereupon my Master repeated what he had related before briefly to me, telling me, that going to the House of Office this morning early, he had no sooner stept within the doors, but the Devil, (for he was sure on’t he said) unjoynted a Board, and pull’d him into the Vault, and then jear’d him by welcomeing, him into that stinking place. O Master (said I) as you were served, so was me your Boy (though somewhat differing in manner) and I think by the same splightful Devil: For coming out of the Stable by four in the morning, I was catcht up, and thrown upon our great Dung-mixen, there was I rowled to and fro for half an hour, and at last rowled into our Horse-pond; out of which with much difficulty I scrabbled out with my life; you see what a pickle I was in. This I feigned, that he might not think me guilty of that Plott I had laid for another, but was every whit as glad, it did light on him, for his beating me so often unmercifully.

Large was the talk of this strange accident, most not knowing what to think on’t. He for his part a while did foolishly believe that some infernal Spirit owing him some ill will, had thus abused him, till by some apparent Symptomes he had discovered, he concluded me the Author. To the intent he might the more fully revenge himself on me, he took no notice on what had passed, neither did he express any dissatisfaction towards me. One Night about 11 and 12 a Clock, when the whole Family were most of them in Bed, he merrily askt me whether I had any Money; yes, said I, here is two pence. Come on, said he, I will wager with thee a Pot, I will jump further at twice, than thou shalt do at five times; done, said I; Where shall the place be: Why here said he in this very Entry where we are. He began first, and made three large jumps which reacht as far as the Threshold of the outer dore. Having so done, I followed him, and at the fourth, I toucht the Threshold with my Toes: and then straitning my self to shew my nimbleness and activity, I leaped a great way into the Street; he perceiving that, shut the door against me, locking it, he spake through the Key-hole, saying, _Good night, look your lodging elsewhere, your Lordship is to nimble for me_. My entreaties were many and urgent to let me in, but I found him so inexorable, that had I supplicated his Horses, I might have found as much favour, as from this Esquire of the manger.

CHAP. IX.

_He relates what extremities he was put to, for want of Food and
Lodging. His Lodging in a Mill, lying in the Hopper, discovers a very
pleasant passage between the Miller and his Wench; and by a strange
accident got a very good Supper that night; with many other remarkable
adventures._