Chapter XXVII: Is It Best to Use Envelopes?

On this question hear Fanny!

"Mrs. Joseph Smith was the envy of all the wives in the neighborhood. Such a _pattern_ husband as Smith was, to be sure! He never went across the room without hugging his wife first, and language would fail to describe their melancholy partings when he 'tore himself away,' to go down to the store. If the wind got round east after he had left, he always ran back to tell her to put on an extra petticoat; he cut up her food in homoeopathic infinitessimal bits, to assist her digestion, and if she wanted an ice-cream or a lobster-salad in the middle of the night, it was forthcoming. Did she have the headache, the blinds were closed, the bell was muffled, and he was the most wretched of Smiths till she was convalescent. He selected her shoe-strings and corset-lacings himself, and when her health was too delicate to admit of her accompanying him to church, he always promised to sit in the middle of the house, so that in case the galleries should fall he needn't be made any _flatter_ than he was by nature.

"The present Mrs. Smith was his _fourth_ wife, and as Joseph had been heard to say, that 'the more he loved his Elenore, the more he loved his Nancy, and the more he loved his Nancy, the more he loved his Julia and Mary,' any one with half an eye, could see how peculiarly felicitious _Mrs. Mary Smith's_ position must be!

"There never was a sweet without a bitter; and so she found out, when Joseph announced to her that he 'must leave the little heaven of her smiles, to go on a short 'business trip.' Mary went into the strongest kind of hysterics, and burnt feathers and sal-volatile couldn't bring her out of them, till he swore on the dictionary to telegraph to her every hour, and carry his life preserver and a box of Russia salve.

"On arriving at the depot, a gentleman requested leave 'to place a lady under his protection,' who was travelling in the same direction. Smith looked at her; she was young and pretty, and dressed in deep mourning. 'A widow!' said Smith to himself. 'Certainly, sir, with pleasure.'

"How they _did_ get on! With opening and shutting the windows in the cars, pulling that travelling shawl round the pretty shoulders that _wouldn't_ keep it up, and trying to quiet her nerves when the cars went through 'the dark places,' Smith didn't know any more than _you_ whether they were travelling through France or Spain, and what's more, he _didn't care_!

"Arriving at their place of destination much sooner than was necessary, (conductors and engineers have no bowels of mercy,) he escorted the widow to the house of her friend, taking the most disinterested care of the big and little bandboxes, and was strongly tempted to put an end to the life of the little poodle-dog she carried in her arms.

"An hour after, he sat down in his lonely quarters at the hotel, and dutifully drew towards him a sheet of paper to write to his wife. It ran as follows:--

"'MY DEAREST WIFE: If you knew how utterly desolate I am without you. I can think of nothing else, and feel entirely unfitted for business. As for _pleasure_, that is out of the question, without you. I've been bored to death with the care of an empty-headed woman--(you know I couldn't _refuse_, my angel); but I never will be hampered so again. I long for the day that will return me to your arms. Your loving husband,

"'J. S----.'

"Then drawing towards him a nice sheet of embossed note-paper, he penned the following:--

"'MY DEAR MADAM: Those blue eyes have never ceased to haunt me since we parted. Thank you for your flattering acceptance of my invitation to ride. I will call for you at four this afternoon. Till then, my heart is with you.

"'Yours, ever,

"'JOSEPH SMITH.'

"Full two mortal hours Joseph spent at his 'twilight,' adorning his outer man. How those whiskers were curled and perfumed! What a fit were those primrose kid gloves! How immaculate was that shirt bosom! How _excruciatingly_ those boots pinched! The very horses pricked up their ears and arched their necks proudly, as if they knew what a freight of loveliness they were to carry.

"Arrived at the widow's Joseph handed the reins to a servant and was settling his pet curl, preparatory to mounting the stairs, when a letter was rudely thrust into his hand, and he was unceremoniously seized by _that_ dickey and sent spinning out upon the side-walk. As soon as he recovered breath, he picked himself up, and looked at the letter. Horror of horrors! He had placed the letters in the wrong envelopes! The widow had his wife's, and what was worse, his wife the widow's! Oh, Smith! Oh, JOSEPH Smith!

"MORAL.--Some think it wise to use envelopes, 'some _othewise_.' _Joseph_ inclines to the _latter_ opinion, and advises all 'pattern husbands' to be of the same mind. His message hails from California!"