Chapter XI: Act IV: Scene I

_A Street: before the Meeting-house of the Family of
Love._

_Enter_ LIPSALVE, GUDGEON, SHRIMP, _and_ PERIWINKLE.

GUD. Come, boys, our clothes,[315] boys: and what is
the most current news, Periwinkle?
PER. Faith, sir, fortune hath favoured us with no news
but what the pedlar brought from Norfolk.
LIP. Is there nothing stirring at court, Shrimp?
SHR. Faith, there is, sir, but nothing new.
LIP. Good wag, faith! thou smellest somewhat of a
courtier, though thy mother was a citizen’s wife.—Off
with that filthy great band, nay, quick; on with your
robe of sanctity, nay, suddenly, man.
GUD. And why must we shift ourselves into this demure
habit, if impossible to be of the Family and keep our
own fashion?
LIP. Tut, man, the name of a gallant is more hateful to
them than the sight of a corner-cap. Hadst thou heard
the protestations the wife of a bellows-mender made but
yesternight against gallants, thou hadst for ever
abjured crimson breeches. She swore that all gallants
were persons inferior to bellows-menders, for the trade
of bellows-making was very aerial and high; and what
were men and women but bellows, for they take wind in at
one place and do evaporate at another;—evaporate was her
very phrase.
GUD. Methinks, her phrase flew with somewhat too strong
a vapour.
LIP. Nay, she proves farther, that all men receive their
being chiefly from bellows, without which the fire burns
not; without fire the pot seethes not; the pot not
seething, powdered beef is not to be eaten; of which,
she then averred our nation was a great devourer, and
without which they could neither fight for their country
abroad, nor get children at home; for, said she,
powdered beef is a great joiner of nerves together.
GUD. What answer madest thou?
LIP. Marry, that I thought a bawd was a greater joiner
of nerves together than powdered beef: with that she
protested that a bawd was an instrument of the devil,
and as she had proved that bellows-makers were of God’s
trade, so bawds were of the devil’s trade; for (and
thereupon she blew her nose) the devil and bawds did
both live by the sins of the people.
GUD. No more: mistress Purge is at hand.
LIP. Vanish, boys, away. [_Exeunt_ SHRIMP _and_
PERIWINKLE.]— Make haste: before Jove, she’ll be with
us ere we can be provided for her. [_They retire._

_Enter_ MISTRESS PURGE, CLUB _carrying a link before
her_.

MIS. P. Advance your link, Club. At what time wert thou
bound, Club? at Guttide,[316] Hollantide,[317] or
Candletide?
CLUB. I was bound, indeed, about midsummer.
MIS. P. And when hath thy ’prenticeship end? at
Michaeltide next?
CLUB. So I take it.
MIS. P. They say, Club, you fall very heavy on such you
love not: you never learnt that of me.
CLUB. Indeed, mistress, I must confess my falling is
rustic, gross, and butcher-like: marry, yours is a
pretty, foolish, light, courtlike[318] falling: yet,
believe me, my master smells somewhat too gross of the
purgation; he wants tutoring.
MIS. P. And why, I pray?
CLUB. My master being set last night in his shop, comes
master doctor Glister, as his manner is, squirting in
suddenly; and after some conference, tells my master
that, by his own knowledge, you were young with child:
to which my master replied, Why, master doctor, will you
put me to more charges yet?
MIS. P. Thou art a fool: in that my husband spake as
wisely as if the master of his company had spoke. He
knows doctors have receipts for women, which make[319]
them most apt to conceive; and he promising ’a had
ministered the same lately to me, thereupon spake it.
Lead on with your link.
LIP. Art ready?
GUD. Ready.
LIP. Then speak pitifully, look scurvily, and dissemble
cunningly, and we shall quickly prove two of the
Fraternity. [_Advancing with_ GUDGEON.]—Benediction and
sanctity, love and charity fall on mistress Purge,
sister of the Family!
MIS. P. And what, I pray, be you two?
LIP.[320] Two newly converted from the rags of
Christianity to become good members in the house of the
Family.
MIS. P. Who, I pray, converted you?
GUD. Master[321] Dryfat, the merchant.
MIS. P. And from what sins hath he converted you?
LIP. From two very notorious crimes; the first was from
eating fish on Fridays, and the second from speaking
reverently of the clergy: but ’a resolved[322] us your
talent in edifying young men went far beyond his.

_Enter_ PURGE _behind_.

MIS. P. A talent I have therein, I must confess, nor am
I very nice[323] at fit times to shew it: for your
better instructions, therefore, you must never hereafter
frequent taverns nor tap-houses, no masques nor
mummeries, no pastimes nor playhouses.
GUD. Must we have no recreation?
MIS. P. Yes, on the days which profane lips call
holydays, you may take your spaniel and spend some hours
at the ducking-pond.
LIP. What are we bound unto during the time we remain in
the Family?
MIS. P. During the light of the candle you are to be
very attentive; which being extinguished, how to behave
yourselves I will deliver in private.
[_Whispers._[324]
PUR. ’Tis now come to a whisper. What young Familists be
these? i’faith, I’ll make one; I’ll trip you, wife: I
scent your footing, wife.
For Galen[325] writes, Paracelsus can tell,
’Pothecaries have brains and noses eke[326] to smell.
[_Aside._
LIP. We shall with much diligence observe it.
PUR. I fear I shall have small cause to thank that
diligence: but do your worst;
He that hath read five[327] herbals in one year
Can find a trick which shall prevent this gear.[328]

They are going: follow, Purge, close, close and softly,
like a horsekeeper in a lady’s matted chamber at
midnight. [_Aside._

[MISTRESS PURGE _knocks at the door of the
Meeting-house_.

[_Within_]. Who knocks?
MIS. P. Brethren, and a Sister in the Family.
[_Within_]. Enter in peace.

[MISTRESS PURGE, LIPSALVE, GUDGEON, _and_ CLUB _enter
the house_.

PUR. Brethren, and a Sister! that’s the word. How
beastly was I mistaken last day! I should have said, A
Brother in the Family, and I said, A Familiar Brother;
for which I and my family were thrust out of doors: but,
as Titus Silus of Holborn Bridge most learnedly was wont
to say, qd——[329] [_Knocks._
_Within_]. Who’s there?
PUR. A Brother in the Family.
[_Within_]. Enter, and welcome.
[PURGE _enters the house_.

SCENE II.

_A Street._

_Enter_ GERARDINE, _disguised as a Porter_.[330]

GER. Thou sacred deity, Love!
Thou power predominate, more to be admir’d
Than able to be exprest, whose orb includes
All terrene joys which are! all states which be
Pay to thy sacred throne,[331] as tribute-fee,
Their thoughts and lives. Like Jove’s, so must thy acts
Endure no question: why, thy hidden facts
The gods themselves obey: heaven-synod holds
No gods but what thy awful power controls;
The Delphian archer, proud with Python’s spoil,
At Cupid’s hand was forc’d to take the foil;
Not Mars his star-like[332] adamantine targe
Could free his warlike breast at Cupid’s charge;
And Jove, whose frown all mortal lives bereaves,
His[333] marble throne and ivory sceptre leaves,
And in the likeness of a bull was seen,
As forc’d by him to bear the Tyrian queen
Through Neptune’s watery kingdom: if these submit,
My metamorphose is not held unfit.

And see, in most wished occasion, Dryfat the merchant
presents himself.

_Enter_ DRYFAT.

Sir, in the best of hours met: my thoughts had marked
you out for a man most apt to do them the fairest of
offices.
DRY. What! art thou a Welsh carrier or a northern
landlord, thou’rt so saucy?
GER. Is’t possible, sir, my disguise should so much fool
your knowledge? How? a northern landlord? can you think
I get my living by a bell and a clack-dish?[334]
DRY. By a bell and a clack-dish? how’s that?
GER. Why, by begging, sir. Know you me now?
DRY. Master Gerardine, disguised and ashore! nay, then I
smell a rat.
GER. Master Dryfat, shall I repose some trust in you?
will you lay by awhile your city’s precise humour? will
you not deceive me?
DRY. If I deceive your trust, the general plague seize
me! that is, may I die a cuckold.
GER. And I say thou shalt die a true citizen, if thou
conceal it: and thus in brief. It stands with thy
knowledge how seriously I have and do still affect
Maria: now, sir, I have so wrought it, that if thou
couldst procure me a fellow that could serve instead of
a crier, I myself would play Placket the paritor,[335]
and summon doctor Glister and Maria to appear at thy
house: and as I play[336] the paritor, so wouldst thou
but assume the shape of a proctor, I should have the
wench, thou the credit, and the whole city occasion of
discourse this nine days.
DRY. How’s this, how’s this? I should procure a fellow
to play the crier,[337] and I myself should play the
proctor? but upon what occasion should they be summoned?
GER. Upon an accusation that doctor Glister should get
Maria, his niece, with child, and have bastards in the
country, which I have a trick to make probable.
DRY. And now I recall it to memory, I heard somewhat to
that effect last night in master Beardbush the barber’s
shop: but how will this sort? who shall accuse him?
GER. Refer that to me, I say, be that my care: all shall
end in merriment, and no disgrace touch either of their
reputations.
DRY. Then take both word and hand, ’tis done: Club,
mistress Purge’s ’prentice, shall be the crier.[338]
GER. O my most precious Dryfat! may none of thy
daughters prove vessels with foul bungholes, or none of
thy sons hogsheads, but all true and honourable Dryfats
like thyself!
DRY. Well, master Gerardine, I hope to see you a
Familist before I die.
GER. That’s most likely, for I hold most of their
principles already: I never rail nor calumniate any man
but in love and charity; I never cozen any man for any
ill will I bear him, but in love and charity to myself;
I never make my neighbour a cuckold for any hate or
malice I bear him, but in love and charity to his wife.
DRY. And may those principles fructify in your weak
members! I’ll be gone, and with most quick dexterity
provide you a crier: to-morrow at my house, said you,
they should appear?
GER. Be that the time, most honoured Dryfat: but be this
known to none, most loved sir, save Club, or to some
other whom your judgment shall select as a fit person
for our project.
DRY. Thus enough: time out of sight.[339] [_Exit._
GER. Maria, thou art mine: earth’s perfection[340] and
nature’s glory, woman! of what an excellency if her
thoughts and acts were squared and levelled with the
first celsitude[341] of her creation!
T’ enjoy a creature,—whose dishevell’d locks,
Like gems against the repercussive sun,
Give[342] light and splendour; whose star-like eyes
Attract more gazer loves[343] to see them move
Than the Titanian[344] god, when Ægeon’s hill
’A mounts in triumph; a skin more pure and soft
Than is the silk-worm’s bed; teeth[345] more white
Than new-fall’n snow or shining ivory,—
Is happiness sought by the gods themselves.
Celestial Venus, born without a mother,
Be thou propitious! thee and I implore,
Not vulgar Venus, heaven’s scorn and Mars his whore.
[_Exit._

SCENE III.

_A Room in_ GLISTER’S _House_.

_Enter_ MISTRESS GLISTER _and_ MARIA.

MAR. Good aunt, quiet yourself: ground not upon dreams;
you know they are ever contrary.
MIS. G. Minion, minion, coin no excuses: I grant dreams
are deceitful, but a true judgment grounded upon
knowledge never fails. What? have not I observed the
rising and falling of the blood, the coming and going of
the countenance, your qualms, your unlacings, your
longings? most evident tokens; besides, a more certain
sign than all these, too; you know’t, I need not speak
it: nay, I am as skilful in that point as my husband; I
can tell you, Aristotle speaks English enough to tell me
these secrets. Body of me, so narrowly looked to, and
yet fly out! Well, I see maids will ha’t in spite of
laws or locks that restrain ’em; they will open, do men
what they can.
MAR. I see my fault appears: simplicity
Hath no evasion; ’tis bootless to deny
Where guilty blood, cited by touch of shame,
Runs through my veins, and leaves my conscience’ stain
Even in my face. Forbear, I do beseech you,
To publish my defame: what I have done
You shall not answer; I must bear mine own.
MIS. G. Bear your own? ay, marry, there it goes! What
must you bear?
MAR. My sins, forsooth.
MIS. G. Your sins, forsooth? Confess to me, and go not
about the bush: you have been doing, that’s flat; you
have caught a clap, that’s round; and answer me roundly
to the point, or else I’ll square.[346] Come, whose act
is’t? I cannot devise unless it be my husband’s, for
none else had access to thee: I am sure time has turned
his bald side to thee, and I do but wonder how thou
tookst opportunity: speak, tell me.
MAR. Now, good aunt, press me not; let time reveal
What you suspect; for never shall my tongue
Confess an act that tends unto my wrong.

_Enter_ GERARDINE, _disguised as a porter_.

MIS. G. Will you not bolt? I must ha’t out on you, and
will.
GER. By your leave, mistress——
MIS. G. Passion of my heart, what art thou?
GER. No ghost, forsooth, though I appear in white.
MIS. G. No, but a saucy knave, I perceive by your
manners.
GER. None of that livery neither: I am of the bearing
trade, forsooth; you may see by my smock,—frock, I would
say: I am, if it please you, of the spick and span
new-set-up company of porters. Here’s my breastplate;
and besides our own arms, we have the arms of the city
to help us in our burdens—_ecce signum!_ here’s the
cross and the sword of justice in good pewter, I can
tell you, which goes as current with us as better metal.
MIS. G. What’s your name, sir?
GER. Nicholas Nebulo: there’s but a straw’s-breadth
between that and the arms; ’tis in the backside of the
cross here, and well known in the city for an ancient
name and an honest, an’t like your worship.
MIS. G.[347] You are none of the twelve, are you?
GER. No, forsooth, but one of the twenty-four——
MIS. G. Orders of knaves:[348] I thought so. Sirrah,
you’re a rascal, to come thus bluntly into my house with
your dirty startups:[349] get you without doors, like a
filthy fellow as you are; a place more fit for you.
GER. O, good words, mistress! I may be warden of my
company for aught you know; and for my bluntness, we
have a clause in our charter to warrant that; for as we
bear, so likewise we may be borne with, and have free
egress and regress where our business lies.
MIS. G. And what’s your business here?
GER. I have a letter, an’t please you, to master doctor.
MIS. G. From whence? [_Taking the letter._
GER. That I cannot shew your worship; but I had it of
Curtal the carrier, whose lawful deputy I am.
MIS. G. Leave your scraping, sirrah. Fie, how rank the
knave smells of grease and taps-droppings! [GERARDINE
_coughs and spits_.] What, are you rheumatic too, with a
vengeance!
GER. Yes, indeed, mistress; though I be but a poor man,
I have a spice of the gentleman in me: master doctor
could smell it quickly, because he’s a gentleman
himself: I must to the diet, and that is tobacco at the
ale-house; I use n’other physic for it.
MIS. G. Did ever such a peasant defile my floor, or
breathe so near me!—I’faith, sirrah, you would be bummed
for your roguery, if you were well served.
GER. I am bummed well enough already, mistress; look
here else: sir-reverence[350] in your worship, master
doctor’s lips are not made of better stuff.
MIS. G. What an impudent rogue is this!—Sirrah, begone,
I say; I would be rid o’ you.
GER. Be rid o’ me? I shall gallop then: you mistake me,
forsooth; I am a foot post, I do not use to ride.
MIS. G. I think the rascal be humorous or drunk. Well, I
will read the letter, and send him packing, or else he
will spew or do worse before me: fie on him, I think he
will infect me with some filthy disease.
[_Reads the letter._
GER. Or else I lose mine aim. [_Aside._
MIS. G. What’s here? [_Reads_] _Your poor nurse,
Thomasine Tweedles!_[351] for my life now shall I find
out my husband’s knavery I have so long suspected.
GER. She begins to nibble; ’twill take, i’faith.
[_Aside._
Mistress,
I see some discontentment in your looks:
Care ill befits so delicate a spirit;
Be frolic, wench, for he that is so near thee
Has been much nearer.
MAR. That accent sounds sweet music; ’tis my love!
That tongue breathes life into my lifeless spirits:
Gerardine? O rapture! why thus disguis’d?
GER. No more, be mute; thus must I vary forms
To bring our cares to end: her jealousy
Ensues this drift, which, if it take true scope,
Love’s joy comes next: be fearless in that hope.
MIS. G. ’Tis so: rats-bane! I ha’t: it racks on, it
torments me! here ’tis: [_reads_] _Woe worth the time
that ever I gave suck to a child that came in at the
window, God knows how!_—Villanous lecher!—_yet, if you
did but see how like the pert[352] little red-headed
knave is to his father_—damnable doctor! a bastard in
the country, and another towards[353] here! I am out of
doubt this is his work.—You are an arrant strumpet!—
Incest, fornication, abomination in my own house!
intolerable! O for long nails to scratch out his eyes!
GER. Or the breeches, to fight with him.
MIS. G. Out of my sight, quean! thou shalt to
Bridewell.—O, I shall be mad with rage!
GER. Then you shall go to Bedlam.
MIS. G. Hence, you slave!
GER. I must have a penny; you must pay me for my pains.
MIS. G. The devil pay thee!
GER. O, that’s the doctor; but he wants his
horns.
MIS. G. But I’ll furnish him ere long, if I live.
GER. It works as I would wish. [_Aside._]—Farewell,
Maria;
This storm once past, fair weather ever after!
[_Exit._
MIS. G. Was ever woman so moved!—but you shall be talked
withal: and for mine old fornicator, he shall ha’t as
hot as coals, i’faith: here’s stuff indeed! Come, minx,
come: there’s law for you both: have I found your
knavery? If I wink at this, let me be stone blind, or
stoned to death: bear this, and bear all! [_Exeunt._

SCENE IV.

_A Street._

_Enter_ LIPSALVE, GUDGEON, SHRIMP, _and_ PERIWINKLE.

LIP. Our hopes are cross’d: sure there’s some
providence
Which countermands libidinous appetites,
For what we most intend is counter-check’d
By strange and unexpected accidents;
For by disguise procuring full access,
Nay, ready to have seiz’d[354] th’ expected prize,
The candle out, steps ’twix my hopes and me
Some peasant groom,[355] possess’d and full enjoy’d
That sweet for which our vigilant eyes have watch’d,
And in one moment frustrates all our hopes.
GUD. Upon my life, we are bewitched. The greasy rascal
that first seized mistress Purge, by the last reflection
of the light, appeared to my sight not much unlike her
husband.
LIP. The court’s gall, the city’s plague, and Europa’s
sea-form[356] be his perpetual crest, what-e’er ’a was!
To lose mistress Purge for lack of dexterity, is a
disgrace insalveable: the like opportunity will never
present itself.
GUD. ’Twas an egregious grief, I must confess, to see a
knave slip betwixt us both and take occasion by the
foretop: but since these projects have had so star-cross
events, let’s lay some plot how to revenge our late
disgrace on the doctor by making him cuckold.

_Enter_ PURGE.

LIP. Agreed: but what melancholy sir, with
acrostic[357] arms, now comes from the Family?
GUD. Purge the ’pothecary: I prithee, let’s step aside
and hear the issue of this discontent.
[_They retire with the two pages._
PUR. O the misery of married men’s estate!
LIP. ’A begins very pitifully. [_Aside._
PUR. O women, what are many of you!
LIP. Why, disease[s] to bachelors, and plagues to
married men. [_Aside._
PUR. O marriage, the rage of all our miseries! my wife
is a dissembling strumpet.
GUD. So is many a man’s besides yours; and what of that?
[_Aside._
PUR. I would have a law, that all such which pray little
should instantly be married; for then would they pray
continually, if it were but to be rid of their wives.
LIP. This is a charitable request, and surely would pass
the Lower-house. [_Aside._
PUR. Surely if affliction can bring a man to heaven, I
cannot see how any married man can be damned: I have
made myself a plain cuckold.
GUD. A pile[358] on ye, won’t you! had you not been so
manable,[359] here are some would have saved you that
labour. [_Aside._
PUR. What shall I do in this extremity? had I but
witness of the fact, I would make her answer it before
authority. This is my wedding-ring; ’tis it, I know it
by the posy: this I took from her finger in the dark,
and she was therewith very well pleased: were not this,
trow,[360] a sufficient testimony? she knows not that it
was myself got so near her: I will take counsel. Well,
little know bachelors the miseries they undergo when
they prostrate themselves to women.
LIP. [_coming forward with_ GUDGEON] O most true, master
Purge! little knows a man what elements ’a is to pass,
when ’a puts his head under a woman’s girdle. Your
passion,[361] master Purge, is overheard, and, plain
tale to tell, we were eye-witnesses of your wife’s
treachery, and if need be, will be ready to depose as
much.
PUR. What, master Lipsalve and master Gudgeon, are you
disguised testimonies?
Nay, then, revenge, look big! Elf and fairy,
Help to revenge the wronged ’pothecary!
GUD. Why, now ’a speaks like himself: get me a
paritor[362] for her straight.
LIP. Conceal the ring, my little Purge; let not thy wife
know thou hast it, until she comes to her trial.

_Enter_ DRYFAT, _and_ GERARDINE _disguised as an
apparitor_.

PUR. Your advices are very pithy; therefore in private
let me disclose my intent.
GUD. Off,[363] boys!
[PURGE, LIPSALVE, _and_ GUDGEON _retire_.
SHR. What dost thou think of thy master? is ’a not a
rare gull?
PER. I think ’a will swallow and pocket more disgraces
than large-conscienced lawyer fees in a Michaelmas term.
Thy master, my honest Shrimp,[364] comes not much short
of a fool too, but that ’a is a courtier.
SHR. Draw somewhat near, and overhear their conference.
[_Retires with_ PERIWINKLE.
GER. This shape of the crier must Club to-morrow assume.
Are you fitted for Poppin the proctor?
DRY. Excellent, and have spent some study in the
mystical cases of venery: I can describe how often a man
may lie with another man’s wife before ’a come to the
white sheet.
GER. How long is that?
DRY. Why, till ’a be taken tardy:—how long all womenkind
may, by the statute, profess and swear they are maids.
GER. And how long is that?
DRY. Why, till their bellies be so big that it cannot be
no longer concealed: but come forward towards Glister’s.
LIP. It must be so; let the sumner[365] tickle her: you
shall bring in these allegations, and let us alone to
swear them.—[_Advancing with_ PURGE _and_ GUDGEON.]
Who’s this? master Dryfat? opportunely met, sir: and
whither so fast? the news, the news?
DRY. Faith, gentlemen, I think to relate for news what I
hear of doctor Glister would come stale to your
hearings.
LIP. O, the getting of his niece with child: tut, that’s
apparently known to all the company.—But, in the name of
Jupiter, what art thou, or from whence camest thou?
GER. Why, sir, I come from compassing the corners of the
land.
GUD. Of what trade, in the name of Pluto?
GER. Of the devil’s trade; for I live, as he does, by
the sins of the people; in brief, sir, I am Placket the
paritor.[366]
LIP. As the devil would!—We have, my noble paritor,
instant employment for thee; a grey groat is to be
purchased without sneaking, my little sumner: where’s
thy _quorum nomina_, my honest Placket?
GER. Sir, according to the old ballad,
_My_ quorum nomina _ready have I,
With my pen and inkhorn hanging by_.
Her name, sir, her name?
GUD. Is’t no more but so?
PUR. I have most right to her name.—Her name, master
Placket, is my wife, mistress Purge, sir: to what place
dost thou belong?
GER. To the commissioners which sit to-morrow at master
Dryfat’s upon the crimes of doctor Glister and others.
LIP. Sits there a commission, Dryfat? now, for the love
of lechery, let’s have mistress Purge summoned thither.
GER. She makes my _quorum nomina_ reasonable full: my
grant, sir, and she shall appear there upon a crime of
concupiscence: is not that your meaning?
PUR. Yes, my honest paritor: here’s thy fee.
[_Giving money._

_Enter_ MISTRESS PURGE _and_ CLUB.

GUD. And see how happily it succeeds! mistress Purge is
new come from the Family. Let us step aside, while
Placket the paritor gives her a summons.
LIP. Content.—To her, Placket; but see, for the bribery
of twelvepence, you strike her not out of your _quorum
nomina_.
GER. Fear not, sir.
[LIPSALVE, GUDGEON, PURGE, _and_
DRYFAT _retire_.
MIS. P. Forward apace, Club.
GER. Your name I take to be mistress Purge, fair
gentlewoman?
MIS. P. I am mistress Purge, Purge’s wife the
’pothecary: what of that?
DRY. Now you shall see him tickle her with a _quorum
nomina_. [_Aside._
GER. I cite you, by virtue of my _quorum nomina_, to
make your personal appearance by eight of the clock in
the morrow morning, before certain commissioners at
master Dryfat’s house, to answer to an accusation of a
crime of concupiscence.
MIS. P. To answer a crime of concupiscence? what’s that,
I pray?
GER. Why, ’tis to answer a venereal crime, for having
carnal copulation with others besides your husband.
MIS. P. What are you, I pray?
GER. By name Placket, by trade a paritor.
MIS. P. And must I answer, say you, to a venereal crime?
I tell thee, Placket the paritor, I am able to answer
thee or any man else in any venereal crime they’ll put
me to; and so tell your commissioners.
GER. If you fail your appearance, the penalty must fall
heavy.
MIS. P. If it fall never so heavy, I am able to bear
it:—and so set forward, Club. [_Exit with_ CLUB.
LIP. [_coming forward with the others_] Excellent,
i’faith!—After your wife, Purge.—Read, Placket, thy
_quorum nomina_, my noble groat-monger.
[_Exit_ PURGE.
GER. Silence! The first that marcheth in this fair rank
is Thrum[367] the feltmaker, for getting his maid with
child, and sending his ’prentice to Bridewell for the
fact; Whip the beadle, for letting a punk escape for a
night’s lodging and bribe of ten groats; Bat the
bellman, for lying with a wench in a tailor’s stall at
midnight, when ’a should be performing his office; and
Tipple[368] the tapster, for deflowering a virgin in his
cellar; doctor Glister, his wife, Maria, mistress Purge:
these be the complete number.
LIP. Now dissolve, and each to his occasion till
to-morrow morning. [_Exeunt severally._