Chapter V: Act IV: Scene I

_An Apartment at Cole-Harbour._[96]

_Enter_ HOARD, _Courtesan_, LAMPREY, SPICHCOCK, _and
Gentlemen_.

FIRST G. Join hearts, join hands,
In wedlock’s bands,
Never to part
Till death cleave your heart.
[_To_ HOARD] You shall forsake all other women;
[_To Courtesan_] You lords, knights, gentlemen, and
yeomen.
What my tongue slips
Make up with your lips.
HOA. [_kisses her_] Give you joy, mistress Hoard: let
the kiss come about. [_Knocking._
Who knocks? Convey my little pig-eater[97] out.
LUC. [_within_] Hoard!
HOA. Upon my life, my adversary, gentlemen!
LUC. [_within_] Hoard, open the door, or we will force
it ope:
Give us the widow.
HOA. Gentlemen, keep ’em out.
LAM. He comes upon his death that enters here.
ᚠLUC. [_within_] My friends, assist me!
HOA. He has assistants, gentlemen.
LAM. Tut, nor him nor them we in this action fear.
LUC. [_within_] Shall I, in peace, speak one word with
the widow?
COURT. Husband, and gentlemen, hear me but a word.
HOA. Freely, sweet wife.
COURT. Let him in peaceably;
You know we’re sure from any act of his.
HOA. Most true.
COURT.[98] You may stand by and smile at his old
weakness:
Let me alone to answer him.
HOA. Content;
’Twill be good mirth, i’faith. How think you, gentlemen?
LAM. Good gullery!
HOA. Upon calm conditions let him in.
LUC. [_within_] All spite and malice!
LAM. Hear me, master Lucre:
So you will vow a peaceful entrance
With those your friends, and only exercise
Calm conference with the widow, without fury,
The passage shall receive you.
LUC. [_within_] I do vow it.
LAM. Then enter and talk freely: here she stands.

_Enter_ LUCRE, _Gentlemen_, _and Host_.

LUC. O, master Hoard, your spite has watch’d the hour!
You’re excellent at vengeance, master Hoard.
HOA. Ha, ha, ha!
LUC. I am the fool you laugh at:
You are wise, sir, and know the seasons well.—
Come hither, widow: why is it thus?
O, you have done me infinite disgrace,
And your own credit no small injury!
Suffer mine enemy so despitefully
To bear you from my nephew? O, I had
Rather half my substance had been forfeit
And begg’d by some starv’d rascal!
COURT. Why, what would you wish me do, sir?
I must not overthrow my state for love:
We have too many precedents for that;
From thousands of our wealthy undone widows
One may derive some wit. I do confess
I lov’d your nephew, nay, I did affect him
Against the mind and liking of my friends;[99]
Believ’d his promises; lay here in hope
Of flatter’d living, and the boast of lands:
Coming to touch his wealth and state, indeed,
It appears dross; I find him not the man;
Imperfect, mean, scarce furnish’d of his needs;
In words, fair lordships; in performance, hovels:
Can any woman love the thing that is not?
LUC. Broke you for this?
COURT. Was it not cause too much?
Send to inquire his state: most part of it
Lay two years mortgag’d in his uncle’s hands.
LUC. Why, say it did, you might have known my mind:
I could have soon restor’d it.
COURT. Ay, had I but seen any such thing perform’d,
Why, ’twould have tied my affection, and contain’d
Me in my first desires: do you think, i’faith,
That I could twine such a dry oak as this,
Had promise in your nephew took effect?
LUC. Why, and there’s no time past; and rather than
My adversary should thus thwart my hopes,
I would——
COURT. Tut, you’ve been ever full of golden speech:
If words were lands, your nephew would be rich.
LUC. Widow, believe’t,[100] I vow by my best bliss,
Before these gentlemen, I will give in
The mortgage to my nephew instantly,
Before I sleep or eat.
FIRST G. [_friend to_ LUCRE] We’ll pawn our credits,
Widow, what he speaks shall be perform’d
In fulness.
LUC. Nay, more; I will estate him
In farther blessings; he shall be my heir;
I have no son;[101]
I’ll bind myself to that condition.
COURT. When I shall hear this done, I shall soon yield
To reasonable terms.
LUC. In the mean season,
Will you protest, before these gentlemen,
To keep yourself as you’re[102] now at this present?
COURT. I do protest, before these gentlemen,
I will be as clear then as I am now.

LUC. I do believe you. Here’s your own honest servant,
I’ll take him along with me.
COURT. Ay, with all my heart.
LUC. He shall see all perform’d, and bring you word.
COURT. That’s all I wait for.
HOA. What, have you finished, master Lucre? ha, ha,
ha, ha!
LUC. So laugh, Hoard, laugh at your poor enemy, do;
The wind may turn, you may be laugh’d at too;
Yes, marry may you, sir.—Ha, ha, ha, [ha]!
[_Exeunt_ LUCRE, _Gentlemen_, _and Host_.
HOA. Ha, ha![103] if every man that swells in malice
Could be reveng’d as happily as I,
He would choose hate, and forswear amity.—
What did he say, wife, prithee?
COURT. Faith, spoke to ease his mind.
HOA. O, O, O!
COURT. You know now little to any purpose.
HOA. True, true, true!
COURT. He would do mountains now.
HOA. Ay, ay, ay, ay.
LAM. You’ve struck him dead, master Hoard.
SPI. And[104] his nephew desperate.
HOA. I know’t, sirs, I.
Never did man so crush his enemy. [_Exeunt._

SCENE II.

_A Room in_ LUCRE’S _House_.

_Enter_ LUCRE, _Gentlemen_, _and Host_, _meeting_
FREEDOM.

LUC. My son-in-law, Sam Freedom, where’s my nephew?
FREE. _O man in lamentation_,[105] father.
LUC. How!
FREE. He thumps his breast like a gallant dicer that has
lost his doublet, and stands in’s shirt to do penance.
LUC. Alas, poor gentleman!
FREE. I warrant you may hear him sigh in a still evening
to your house at Highgate.
LUC. I prithee, send him in.
FREE. Were it to do a greater matter, I will not stick
with you, sir, in regard you married my mother.
[_Exit._
LUC. Sweet gentlemen, cheer him up; I will but fetch the
mortgage and return to you instantly.
FIRST G. We’ll do our best, sir. [_Exit Lucre._]—
See where he comes,
E’en joyless and regardless of all form.

_Enter_ WITGOOD.

SEC. G. Why, how now,[106] master Witgood? Fie! you a
firm scholar, and an understanding gentleman, and give
your best parts to passion?[107]
FIRST G. Come, fie, fie![108]
WIT. O, gentlemen——
FIRST G. Sorrow of me, what a sigh was there, sir!
Nine such widows are not worth it.
WIT. To be borne from me by that lecher Hoard!
FIRST G. That vengeance is your uncle’s; being done
More in despite to him than wrong to you:
But we bring comfort now.
WIT. I beseech you, gentlemen——
SEC. G. Cheer thyself, man; there’s hope of her,
i’faith.
WIT. Too gladsome to be true.

_Re-enter LUCRE._

LUC. Nephew, what cheer?
Alas, poor gentleman, how art thou chang’d!
Call thy fresh blood into thy cheeks again:
She comes.
WIT. Nothing afflicts me so much,
But that it is your adversary, uncle,
And merely plotted in despite of you.
LUC. Ay, that’s it mads me, spites me! I’ll spend my
wealth ere he shall carry her so, because I know ’tis
only to spite me. Ay, this is it. Here, nephew [_giving
a paper_], before these kind gentlemen, I deliver in
your mortgage, my promise to the widow; see, ’tis done:
be wise, you’re once more master of your own. The widow
shall perceive now you are not altogether such a beggar
as the world reputes you; you can make shift to bring
her to three hundred a-year, sir.
FIRST G. Byrlady,[109] and that’s no toy,[110] sir.
LUC. A word, nephew.
FIRST G. [_to Host_] Now you may certify the widow.
LUC. You must conceive it aright, nephew, now;
To do you good I am content to do this.
WIT. I know it, sir.
LUC. But your own conscience can tell I had it
Dearly enough of you.
WIT. Ay, that’s most certain.
LUC. Much money laid out, beside many a journey
To fetch the rent; I hope you’ll think on’t, nephew.
WIT. I were worse than a beast else, i’faith.
LUC. Although, to blind the widow and the world,
I out of policy do’t, yet there’s a conscience, nephew.
WIT. Heaven forbid else!
LUC. When you are full possess’d,
’Tis nothing to return it.
WIT. Alas, a thing quickly done, uncle!
LUC. Well said! you know I give it you but in trust.
WIT. Pray, let me understand you rightly, uncle:
You give it me but in trust?
LUC. No.
WIT. That is, you trust me with it?
LUC. True, true.
WIT. But if ever I trust you with it again,
Would I might be truss’d up[111] for my labour!
[_Aside._

LUC. You can all witness, gentlemen; and you, sir
yeoman?
HOST. My life for yours, sir, now, I know my mistress’s
mind so[112] well toward your nephew, let things be in
preparation, and I’ll train her hither in most excellent
fashion. _Exit._
LUC. A good old boy!—Wife! Jenny!

_Enter_ MISTRESS LUCRE.

MIS. L. What’s the news, sir?
LUC. The wedding-day’s at hand: prithee, sweet wife,
express thy housewifery; thou’rt a fine cook, I know’t;
thy first husband married thee out of an alderman’s
kitchen; go to, he raised thee for raising of paste.
What! here’s none but friends; most of our beginnings
must be winked at.—Gentlemen, I invite you all to my
nephew’s wedding against Thursday morning.
FIRST G. With all our hearts, and we shall joy to see
Your enemy so mock’d.
LUC. He laugh’d at me, gentlemen; ha, ha, ha!
[_Exeunt all but_ WITGOOD.
WIT. He has no conscience, faith, would laugh at them;
They laugh at one another;
Who then can be so cruel? troth, not I;
I rather pity now, than ought envy:[113]
I do conceive such joy in mine own happiness,
I have no leisure yet to laugh at their follies.
Thou soul of my estate, I kiss thee!
[_To the mortgage._

I miss life’s comfort when I miss thee;
O, never will we part agen,[114]
Until I leave the sight of men!
We’ll ne’er trust conscience of our kin,
Since cozenage brings that title in. [_Exit._

SCENE III.

_A Street._

_Enter Three Creditors._

FIRST C. I’ll wait these seven hours but I’ll see him
caught.
SEC. C. Faith, so will I.
THIRD C. Hang him, prodigal! he’s stript of the widow.
FIRST C. A’ my troth, she’s the wiser; she has made the
happier choice: and I wonder of what stuff those widows’
hearts are made of, that will marry unfledged boys
before comely thrum-chinned[115] gentlemen.

_Enter Boy._

BOY. News, news, news!
FIRST C. What, boy?
BOY. The rioter is caught.
FIRST C. So, so, so, so! it warms me at the heart;
I love a’ life[116] to see dogs upon men.
O, here he comes.

_Enter Sergeants, with_ WITGOOD _in custody_.

WIT. My last joy was so great, it took away the sense
of all future afflictions. What a day is here o’ercast!
how soon a black tempest rises!
FIRST C. O, we may speak with you now, sir! what’s
become of your rich widow? I think you may cast your cap
at the widow, may you not, sir?
SEC. C. He a rich widow? who, a prodigal, a daily
rioter, and a nightly vomiter? he a widow of account? he
a hole i’ th’ counter.[117]
WIT. You do well, my masters, to tyrannise over misery,
to afflict the afflicted: ’tis a custom you have here
amongst you; I would wish you never leave it, and I hope
you’ll do as I bid you.
FIRST C. Come, come, sir, what say you extempore now
to your bill of a hundred pound? a sweet debt for
froating[118] your doublets.
SEC. C. Here’s mine of forty.
THIRD C. Here’s mine of fifty.
WIT. Pray, sirs,—you’ll give me breath?
FIRST C. No, sir, we’ll keep you out of breath still;
then we shall be sure you will not run away from us.
WIT. Will you but hear me speak?
SEC. C. You shall pardon us for that, sir; we know you
have too fair a tongue of your own; you overcame us too
lately, a shame take you! we are like to lose all that
for want of witnesses: we dealt in policy then; always
when we strive to be most politic we prove most
coxcombs: _non plus ultra_ I perceive by us, we’re not
ordained to thrive by wisdom, and therefore we must be
content to be tradesmen.
WIT. Give me but reasonable time, and I protest I’ll
make you ample satisfaction.
FIRST C. Do you talk of reasonable time to us?
WIT. ’Tis true, beasts know no reasonable time.
SEC. C. We must have either money or carcass.
WIT. Alas, what good will my carcass do you?
THIRD C. O, ’tis a secret delight we have amongst us! we
that are used to keep birds in cages, have the heart to
keep men in prison, I warrant you.
WIT. I perceive I must crave a little more aid from my
wits: do but make shift for me this once, and I’ll
forswear ever to trouble you in the like fashion
hereafter; I’ll have better employment for you, and[119]
I live. [_Aside._]—You’ll give me leave, my masters, to
make trial of my friends, and raise all means I can?
FIRST C. That’s our desire,[120] sir.

_Enter Host._

HOST. Master Witgood.
WIT. O, art thou come?
HOST. May I speak one word with you in private, sir?
WIT. No, by my faith, canst thou; I am in hell here, and
the devils will not let me come to thee.
FIRST C.[121] Do you call us devils? you shall find us
puritans.—Bear him away; let ’em talk as they go; we’ll
not stand to hear ’em.—Ah, sir, am I a devil? I shall
think the better of myself as long as I live: a devil,
i’faith!
[_Exeunt._

SCENE IV.

_A Room in_ HOARD’S _House_.

_Enter_ HOARD.

HOA. What a sweet blessing hast thou, master Hoard,
above a multitude! wilt thou never be thankful? how dost
thou think to be blest another time? or dost thou count
this the full measure of thy happiness? by my troth, I
think thou dost: not only a wife large in possessions,
but spacious in content; she’s rich, she’s young, she’s
fair, she’s wise: when I wake, I think of her lands—that
revives me; when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty—and
that’s enough for me: she’s worth four hundred a-year in
her very smock, if a man knew how to use it. But the
journey will be all, in troth, into the country; to ride
to her lands in state and order following; my brother,
and other worshipful gentlemen, whose companies I ha’
sent down for already, to ride along with us in their
goodly decorum beards, their broad velvet cassocks, and
chains of gold twice or thrice double; against which
time I’ll entertain some ten men of mine own into
liveries, all of occupations or qualities; I will not
keep an idle man about me: the sight of which will so
vex my adversary Lucre—for we’ll pass by his door of
purpose, make a little stand for [the] nonce,[122] and
have our horses curvet before the window—certainly he
will never endure it, but run up and hang himself
presently.

_Enter Servant._

How now, sirrah, what news? any that offer their service
to me yet?
SER. Yes, sir, there are some i’ th’ hall that wait for
your worship’s liking, and desire to be entertained.
HOA. Are they of occupation?
SER. They are men fit for your worship, sir.
HOA. Sayest so? send ’em all in. [_Exit Servant._]—To
see ten men ride after me in watchet[123] liveries, with
orange-tawny capes,[124]—’twill cut his comb, i’faith.

_Enter Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and
Huntsman._

How now? of what occupation are you, sir?
TAI. A tailor, an’t please your worship.
HOA. A tailor? O, very good: you shall serve to make all
the liveries.—What are you, sir?
BAR. A barber, sir.
HOA. A barber? very needful: you shall shave all the
house, and, if need require, stand for a reaper i’ th’
summer time.—You, sir?
PER. A perfumer.
HOA. I smelt you before: perfumers, of all men, had need
carry themselves uprightly; for if they were once
knaves, they would be smelt out quickly.—To you, sir?
FAL. A falconer, an’t please your worship.
HOA. Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho!—And you, sir?
HUNT. A huntsman, sir.
HOA. There, boy, there, boy, there, boy! I am not so
old but I have pleasant days to come. I promise
you, my masters, I take such a good liking to you,
that I entertain you all; I put you already into my
countenance, and you shall be shortly in my livery; but
especially you two, my jolly falconer and my bonny
huntsman; we shall have most need of you at my wife’s
manor-houses i’ th’ country; there’s goodly parks and
champion[125] grounds for you; we shall have all our
sports within ourselves; all the gentlemen a’ th’
country shall be beholding[126] to us and our pastimes.
FAL. And we’ll make your worship admire, sir.
HOA. Sayest thou so? do but make me admire, and thou
shalt want for nothing.—My tailor.
TAI. Anon, sir.
HOA. Go presently in hand with the liveries.
TAI. I will, sir.
HOA. My barber.
BAR. Here, sir.
HOA. Make ’em all trim fellows, louse ’em well,—
especially my huntsman,—and cut all their beards of the
Polonian fashion.—My perfumer.
PER. Under your nose, sir.
HOA. Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take
away the scent of my tailor’s feet, and my barber’s
lotium-water.
PER. It shall be carefully performed, sir.
HOA. But you, my falconer and huntsman, the welcomest
men alive, i’faith!
HUNT. And we’ll shew you that, sir, shall deserve your
worship’s favour.
HOA. I prithee, shew me that.—Go, you knaves all, and
wash your lungs i’ th’ buttery, go. [_Exeunt Tailor,
Barber, &c._]—By th’ mass, and well remembered! I’ll ask
my wife that question.—Wife, mistress Jane Hoard!

_Enter Courtesan, altered in apparel._

COURT. Sir, would you with me?
HOA. I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand
best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here
or i’ th’ country?
COURT. Hum:—faith, sir, ’twould like[127] me better
here; here you were married, here let all rites be
ended.
HOA. Could a marquesse[128] give a better answer? Hoard,
bear thy head aloft, thou’st a wife will advance it.

_Enter Host with a letter._

What haste comes here now? yea, a letter? some dreg of
my adversary’s malice. Come hither; what’s the news?
HOST. A thing that concerns my mistress, sir.
[_Giving a letter to Courtesan._
HOA. Why then it concerns me, knave.
HOST. Ay, and you, knave, too (cry your worship mercy):
you are both like to come into trouble, I promise you,
sir; a pre-contract.
HOA. How? a pre-contract, sayest thou?
HOST. I fear they have too much proof on’t, sir: old
Lucre, he runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast
as he can; young Witgood laid hold on by his creditors,
he exclaims upon you a’ t’other side, says you have
wrought his undoing by the injurious detaining of his
contract.
HOA. Body a’ me!
HOST. He will have utmost satisfaction;
The law shall give him recompense, he says.
COURT. Alas, his creditors so merciless! my state being
yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to further
him. [_Aside._
HOST. True, sir.
HOA. Wife, what says that letter? let me construe it.
COURT. Curs’d be my rash and unadvised words!
[_Tears the letter and stamps on it._
I’ll set my foot upon my tongue,
And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.
HOA. Wife——
HOST. A pretty shift, i’faith! I commend a woman when
she can make away a letter from her husband handsomely,
and this was cleanly done, by my troth. [_Aside._
COURT. I did, sir;
Some foolish words I must confess did pass,
Which now litigiously he fastens on me.
HOA. Of what force? let me examine ’em.
COURT. Too strong, I fear: would I were well freed of
him!
HOA. Shall I compound?
COURT. No, sir, I’d have it done some nobler way
Of your side; I’d have you come off with honour;
Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not
The means, sir? the occasion’s offer’d you.
HOA. Where? how, dear wife?
COURT. He is now caught by his creditors; the slave’s
needy; his debts petty; he’ll rather bind himself to all
inconveniences than rot in prison: by this only means
you may get a release from him: ’tis not yet come to his
uncle’s hearing; send speedily for the creditors; by
this time he’s desperate; he’ll set his hand to any
thing: take order for his debts, or discharge ’em quite:
a pax[129] on him, let’s be rid of a rascal!
HOA. Excellent!
Thou dost astonish me.—Go, run, make haste;
Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither.
HOST. This will be some revenge yet.
[_Aside, and exit._
HOA. In the mean space I’ll have a release drawn.—Within
there!

_Enter Servant._

SER. Sir?
HOA. Sirrah, come take directions; go to my scrivener.
COURT. [_aside; while_ HOARD _gives directions to the
servant_] I’m yet like those whose riches lie in dreams,
If I be wak’d, they’re false; such is my fate,
Who venture[130] deeper than the desperate state.
Though I have sinn’d, yet could I become new,
For where I once vow, I am ever true.
HOA. Away, despatch, on my displeasure quickly.
[_Exit Servant._
Happy occasion! pray heaven he be in the right vein now
to set his hand to’t, that nothing alter him; grant that
all his follies may meet in him at once, to besot him
enough! I pray for him, i’faith, and here he comes.

_Enter_ WITGOOD _and Creditors_.

WIT. What would you with me now, my uncle’s spiteful
adversary?
HOA. Nay, I am friends.
WIT. Ay, when your mischief’s spent.
HOA. I heard, you were arrested.
WIT. Well, what then? you will pay none of my debts, I
am sure.
HOA. A wise man cannot tell;
There may be those conditions ’greed upon
May move me to do much.
WIT. Ay, when?—
’Tis thou, perjurèd woman! (O, no name
Is vild[131] enough to match thy treachery!)
That art the cause of my confusion.
COURT. Out, you penurious slave!
HOA. Nay, wife, you are too froward;
Let him alone; give losers leave to talk.
WIT. Shall I remember thee of another promise
Far stronger than the first?
COURT. I’d fain know that.
WIT. ’Twould call shame to thy cheeks.
COURT. Shame?
WIT. Hark in your ear.—
Will he come off, think’st thou, and pay ┐
my debts roundly? │
COURT. Doubt nothing; there’s a │
release a-drawing and all, to which you │
must set your hand. │
WIT. Excellent! │ _They_
COURT. But methinks, i’faith, │ _converse_
you might have made some shift to dis- │ _apart_
charge this yourself, having in the mort- │
gage, and never have burdened my conscience│
with it. │
WIT. A’ my troth, I could not, │
for my creditors’ cruelties extend to the │
present. │
COURT. No more. │
Why, do your worst for that, I defy you. ┘
WIT. You’re impudent; I’ll call up witnesses.
COURT. Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted
To follies a long time.
HOA. Wife, you’re too bitter.— Master Witgood, and you,
my masters, you shall hear a mild speech come from me
now, and this it is: ’t has been my fortune, gentlemen,
to have an extraordinary blessing poured upon me a’
late, and here she stands; I have wedded her, and bedded
her, and yet she is little the worse: some foolish words
she hath passed to you in the country, and some
peevish[132] debts you owe here in the city; set the
hare’s head to the goose-giblet,[133] release you her of
her words, and I’ll release you of your debts, sir.
WIT. Would you so? I thank you for that, sir; I cannot
blame you, i’faith.
HOA. Why, are not debts better than words, sir?
WIT. Are not words promises, and are not promises debts,
sir?
HOA. He plays at back-racket with me. [_Aside._
FIRST C. Come hither, master Witgood, come hither; be
ruled by fools once.
SEC. C. We are citizens, and know what belong[s] to’t.
FIRST C. Take hold of his offer: pax[134] on her, let
her go; if your debts were once discharged, I would help
you to a widow myself worth ten of her.
THIRD C. Mass, partner, and now you remember me on’t,
there’s master Mulligrub’s sister newly fallen a widow.
FIRST C. Cuds me, as pat as can be! there’s a widow left
for you; ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels,
_et cetera_ : I warrant it a match; we can do all in all
with her; prithee, despatch; we’ll carry thee to her
presently.
WIT. My uncle will ne’er endure me when he shall hear I
set my hand to a release.
SEC. C. Hark, I’ll tell thee a trick for that: I have
spent five hundred pound in suits in my time, I should
be wise; thou’rt now a prisoner; make a release; take’t
of my word, whatsoever a man makes as long as he is in
durance, ’tis nothing in law, not thus much.
[_Snaps his fingers._
WIT. Say you so, sir?
THIRD C. I have paid for’t, I know’t.
WIT. Proceed then; I consent.
THIRD C. Why, well said.
HOA. How now, my masters, what have you done with him?
FIRST C. With much ado, sir, we have got him to consent.
HOA. Ah—a—a! and what come[135] his debts to now?
FIRST C. Some eight score odd pounds, sir.
HOA. Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw! tell me the second time;
give me a lighter sum; they are but desperate debts, you
know; ne’er called in but upon such an accident; a poor,
needy knave, he would starve and rot in prison: come,
come, you shall have ten shillings in the pound, and the
sum down roundly.
FIRST C. You must make it a mark,[136] sir.
HOA. Go to then, tell your money in the meantime; you
shall find little less there. [_Giving them money._]—
Come, master Witgood, you are so unwilling to do
yourself good now!

_Enter Scrivener._

Welcome, honest scrivener.—Now you shall hear the
release read.
SCRI. [_reads_] _Be it known to all men, by these
presents, that I, Theodorus Witgood, gentleman, sole
nephew to Pecunius Lucre, having unjustly made title and
claim to one Jane Medler, late widow of Anthony Medler,
and now wife to Walkadine Hoard, in consideration of a
competent sum of money to discharge my debts, do for
ever hereafter disclaim any title, right, estate, or
interest in or to the said widow, late in the occupation
of the said Anthony Medler, and now in the occupation of
Walkadine Hoard; as also neither to lay claim by
virtue of any former contract, grant, promise, or
demise, to any of her manor[s], manor-houses, parks,
groves, meadow-grounds, arable lands, barns, stacks,
stables, dove-holes, and coney-burrows; together
with all her cattle, money, plate, jewels, borders,
chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, moveables or
immoveables._[137] _In witness whereof, I the said
Theodorus Witgood have interchangeably set to my hand
and seal before these presents, the day and date above
written._
WIT. What a precious fortune hast thou slipt here, like
a beast as thou art!
HOA. Come, unwilling heart, come.
WIT. Well, master Hoard, give me the pen; I see
’Tis vain to quarrel with our destiny.
[_Signs the paper._

HOA. O, as vain a thing as can be! you cannot commit a
greater absurdity, sir. So, so; give me that hand now;
before all these presents, I am friends for ever with
thee.
WIT. Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I
should bear you any grudge, i’faith.
HOA. Content: I’ll send for thy uncle against the
wedding dinner; we will be friends once again.
WIT. I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.
HOA. How now? is’t right, my masters?
FIRST C. ’Tis something wanting, sir; yet it shall be
sufficient.
HOA. Why, well said; a good conscience makes a fine shew
now-a-days. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my
wine ere you depart.
ALL THE CRED. We follow you, sir.
[_Exeunt_ HOARD _and Scrivener_.
WIT. I’ll try these fellows now. [_Aside._]—A word, sir:
what, will you carry me to that widow now?
FIRST C. Why, do you think we were in earnest, i’faith?
carry you to a rich widow? we should get much credit by
that: a noted rioter! a contemptible prodigal! ’twas a
trick we have amongst us to get in our money: fare you
well, sir. [_Exeunt Creditors._
WIT. Farewell, and be hanged, you short pig-haired,
ram-headed rascals! he that believes in you shall ne’er
be saved, I warrant him. By this new league I shall have
some access[138] unto my love.

JOYCE _appears above_.

JOYCE. Master Witgood!
WIT. My life!
JOYCE. Meet me presently; that note directs you [_throws
him a letter_]: I would not be suspected: our happiness
attends us: farewell.
WIT. A word’s enough. [_Exeunt severally._

SCENE V.

DAMPIT’S _Bed-chamber_.

DAMPIT _in bed_; AUDREY _spinning by; Boy_.
AUD. [_singing_]
_Let the usurer cram him, in interest that excel,
There’s pits enow to damn him before he comes to hell;
In Holborn some, in Fleet Street some,
Where’er he come there’s some, there’s some._
DAMP. _Trahe_ , _trahito_ , draw the curtain; give me a
sip of sack more.

_While he drinks, enter_ LAMPREY _and_ SPICHCOCK.

LAM. Look you; did not I tell you he lay like the devil
in chains, when he was bound for a thousand year?[139]
SPI. But I think[140] the devil had no steel bed-staffs;
he goes beyond him for that.
LAM. Nay, do but mark the conceit of his drinking; one
must wipe his mouth for him with a muckinder,[141] do
you see, sir?
SPI. Is this the sick trampler?[142] why, he is only
bed-rid with drinking.
LAM. True, sir. He spies us.
DAM. What, Sir Tristram? you come and see a weak man
here, a very weak man.
LAM. If you be weak in body, you should be strong in
prayer, sir.
DAM. O, I have prayed too much, poor man!
LAM. There’s a taste of his soul for you!
SPI. Faugh, loathsome!
LAM. I come to borrow a hundred pound of you, sir.
DAM. Alas, you come at an ill time! I cannot spare it,
i’faith; I ha’ but two thousand i’ th’ house.
AUD. Ha, ha, ha!
DAM. Out, you gernative quean, the mullipood of villany,
the spinner of concupiscency!

_Enter_ SIR LAUNCELOT, _and others_.

SIR L. Yea, gentlemen, are you here before us? how is
he now?
LAM. Faith, the same man still: the tavern bitch has bit
him i’ th’ head.[143]
SIR L. We shall have the better sport with him: peace.—
And how cheers master Dampit now?
DAM. O, my bosom Sir Launcelot, how cheer I! thy
presence is restorative.
SIR L. But I hear a great complaint of you, master
Dampit, among gallants.
DAM. I am glad of that, i’faith: prithee, what?
SIR L. They say you are waxed proud a’ late, and if a
friend visit you in the afternoon, you’ll scarce know
him.
DAM. Fie, fie; proud? I cannot remember any such thing:
sure I was drunk then.
SIR L. Think you so, sir?
DAM. There ’twas, i’faith; nothing but the pride of the
sack; and so certify ’em.—Fetch sack, sirrah.
BOY. A vengeance sack you once!
[_Exit, and returns presently with sack._
AUD. Why, master Dampit, if you hold on as you begin,
and lie a little longer, you need not take care how to
dispose your wealth; you’ll make the vintner your heir.
DAM. Out, you babliaminy, you unfeathered, cremitoried
quean, you cullisance of scabiosity!
AUD. Good words, master Dampit, to speak before a maid
and a virgin!
DAM. Hang thy virginity upon the pole of carnality!
AUD. Sweet terms! my mistress shall know ’em.
LAM. Note but the misery of this usuring slave: here he
lies, like a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his
drunken blasphemies; and they to whom he bequeaths all,
grudge him the very meat that feeds him, the very pillow
that eases him. Here may a usurer behold his end: what
profits it to be a slave in this world, and a devil i’
th’ next?
DAM. Sir Launcelot, let me buss thee, Sir Launcelot;
thou art the only friend that I honour and respect.
SIR L. I thank you for that, master Dampit.
DAM. Farewell, my bosom Sir Launcelot.
SIR L. Gentlemen, and[144] you love me, let me step
behind you, and one of you fall a-talking of me to him.
LAM. Content.—Master Dampit——
DAM. So, sir.
LAM. Here came Sir Launcelot to see you e’en now.
DAM. Hang him, rascal!
LAM. Who? Sir Launcelot?
DAM. Pythagorical rascal!
LAM. Pythagorical?
DAM. Ay, he changes[145] his cloak when he meets a
sergeant.
SIR L. What a rogue’s this!
LAM. I wonder you can rail at him, sir; he comes in love
to see you.
DAM. A louse for his love! his father was a comb-maker;
I have no need of his crawling love: he comes to have
longer day,[146] the superlative rascal!
SIR L. ’Sfoot, I can no longer endure the rogue!—Master
Dampit, I come to take my leave once again, sir.
DAM. Who? my dear and kind Sir Launcelot, the only
gentleman of England? let me hug thee: farewell, and a
thousand.[147]
LAM. Compos’d of wrongs and slavish flatteries!
SIR L. Nay, gentlemen, he shall shew you more tricks
yet; I’ll give you another taste of him.
LAM. Is’t possible?
SIR L. His memory is upon departing.
DAM. Another cup of sack!
SIR L. Mass, then ’twill be quite gone! Before he drink
that, tell him there’s a country client come up, and
here attends for his learned advice.
LAM. Enough.
DAM. One cup more, and then let the bell toll: I hope I
shall be weak enough by that time.
LAM. Master Dampit——
DAM. Is the sack spouting?
LAM. ’Tis coming forward, sir. Here’s a country man, a
client of yours, waits for your deep and profound
advice, sir.
DAM. A coxcombry, where is he? let him approach: set me
up a peg higher.
LAM. [_to_ SIR LAUN.] You must draw near, sir.
DAM. Now, good man fooliaminy, what say you to me now?
SIR L. Please your good worship, I am a poor man, sir——
DAM. What make you in my chamber then?
SIR L. I would entreat your worship’s device[148] in a
just and honest cause, sir.
DAM. I meddle with no such matters; I refer ’em to
master No-man’s office.
SIR L. I had but one house left me in all the world,
sir, which was my father’s, my grandfather’s, my
great-grandfather’s, and now a villain has unjustly
wrung me out, and took possession on’t.
DAM. Has he such feats? Thy best course is to bring thy
_ejectione firmæ_ , and in seven year thou mayst shove
him out by the law.
SIR L. Alas, an’t please your worship, I have small
friends and less money!
DAM. Hoyday! this geer will fadge well:[149] hast no
money? why, then, my advice is, thou must set fire a’
th’ house, and so get him out.
LAM. That will break strife, indeed.
SIR L. I thank your worship for your hot counsel,
sir.—Altering but my voice a little, you see he knew
me not: you may observe by this, that a drunkard’s
memory holds longer in the voice than in the person.
But, gentlemen, shall I shew you a sight? Behold the
little dive-dapper[150] of damnation, Gulf the usurer,
for his time worse than t’other.
LAM. What’s he comes with him?
SIR L. Why Hoard, that married lately the widow Medler.
LAM. O, I cry you mercy, sir.

_Enter_ HOARD _and_ GULF.

HOA. Now, gentlemen visitants, how does master Dampit?
SIR L. Faith, here he lies, e’en drawing in, sir, good
canary as fast as he can, sir; a very weak creature
truly, he is almost past memory.
HOA. Fie, master Dampit! you lie lazing a-bed here, and
I come to invite you to my wedding-dinner: up, up, up!
DAM. Who’s this? master Hoard? who hast thou married, in
the name of foolery?
HOA. A rich widow.
DAM. A Dutch widow?[151]
HOA. A rich widow; one widow Medler.
DAM. Medler? she keeps open house.
HOA. She did, I can tell you, in her t’other husband’s
days; open house for all comers; horse and man was
welcome, and room enough for ’em all.
DAM. There’s too much for thee then; thou mayst let out
some to thy neighbours.
GULF. What, hung alive in chains? O spectacle!
bed-staffs of steel? _O monstrum horrendum, informe,
ingens, cui lumen ademptum!_ [152] O Dampit, Dampit,
here’s a just judgment shewn upon usury, extortion, and
trampling[153] villany!
SIR L. This [is] excellent, thief rails upon the thief!
GULF. Is this the end of cut-throat usury, brothel, and
blasphemy? now mayst thou see what race a usurer runs.
DAM. Why, thou rogue of universality, do not I know
thee? thy sound is like the cuckoo, the Welch
ambassador:[154] thou cowardly slave, that offers to
fight with a sick man when his weapon’s down! rail upon
me in my naked bed? why, thou great Lucifer’s little
vicar! I am not so weak but I know a knave at first
sight: thou inconscionable rascal! thou that goest upon
Middlesex juries, and wilt make haste to give up thy
verdict[155] because thou wilt not lose thy dinner! Are
you answered?
GULF. An’t were not for shame—— [_Draws his dagger._
DAM. Thou wouldst be hanged then.
LAM. Nay, you must exercise patience, master Gulf,
always in a sick man’s chamber.
SIR L. He’ll quarrel with none, I warrant you, but those
that are bed-rid.
DAM. Let him come, gentlemen, I am armed: reach my
close-stool hither.
SIR L. Here will be a sweet fray anon; I’ll leave you,
gentlemen.
LAM. Nay, we’ll along with you.—Master Gulf——
GULF. Hang him, usuring rascal!
SIR L. Push,[156] set your strength to his, your wit to
his!
AUD. Pray, gentlemen, depart; his hour’s come upon him.—
Sleep in my bosom, sleep.
SIR L. Nay, we have enough of him, i’faith; keep him
for the house.
Now make your best:[157]
For thrice his wealth I would not have his breast.

GULF. A little thing would make me beat him now he’s
asleep.
SIR L. Mass, then ’twill be a pitiful day when he wakes!
I would be loath to see that day: come.
GULF. You overrule me, gentlemen, i’faith. [_Exeunt._