Chapter VIII: Act I: Scene I

_A Gallery in_ GLISTER’S _House_.

_Enter_ GLISTER, MISTRESS GLISTER, _and_ MARIA.

GLI. Tricks and shows! Protestations with men are like
tears with women, forgot ere the cheek be dry. Gerardine
is a gentleman; his lands be in statutes: ’a[178] is not
for thee, nor thou for him: ’a is a gallant, and young
thoughts be most unconstant.
MAR. Yet young vines yield most wine.
MIS. G. But old vines the best. Believe not these
great-breeched[179] gallants; they love for profit, not
for affection: if ’a brings thee to a fool’s paradise,
’a will forsake thee.
GLI. Which fortune God send my enemy! Love is a cold
heat,[180] a bitter sweet, a pleasure full of pain, a
huge loss, and no gain. Why shouldest thou love him
only?
MAR. Words cannot force what destiny hath seal’d.
Who can resist the influence of his stars,
Or give a reason why ’a loves or hates,
Since our affections are not rul’d by will,
But will by our affections?[181] ’Tis blasphemy
’Gainst love’s most sacred deity, to ask[182]
Why we do love, since ’tis his only power
That sways all our affections: all things which be,
Beasts, birds, men, gods, pay him their fealty.
GLI. Tut, love is an idle fantasy, bred by desire,
nursed by delight, an humour that begins his dominion in
Leo the lion, the sign of the heart; and ends in Aries
the ram, the sign of the head: his power is to stir the
blood,—pricks up the flesh, fills all the body with a
libidinous humour, and is indeed the overture[183] of
all ladies: which to prevent, I have banished Gerardine,
your dearly beloved, my house; and as for you, since I
am your guardian by my brother’s last will, I will
sequester you from all other rooms in my house save this
gallery and your upper chamber, till, in discretion, I
shall find it convenient to enlarge you.
MAR. My body you may circumscribe, confine,
And keep in bounds; but my unlimited love
Extends itself beyond all circumscription.
MIS. G. Believe me, Maria, I have known the natures of
divers of these gallants. If they possess the unlimited
love of us women in never so ample manner, without the
society of the body, I know how soon their love
vadeth:[184] young men’s love is like ivy; it must have
somewhat to cleave to, or it never prospers. Love is
like fasting-days, but the body is like flesh-days; and
’tis our English gallants’ fashion to prefer a morsel of
flesh before all the fasting-days in the whole year.

_Enter_ VIAL.

GLI. The news with you, Vial?
VIAL. And it like[185] your worship, here’s Club, master
Purge the ’pothecary’s ’prentice, come to invite you, my
mistress, and mistress Maria, to supper, and to see
master Gerardine’s will sealed.
GLI. Tell Club my wife and myself will be there, but
Maria shall not come. [_Exit_ VIAL.]—There must be your
sweetheart’s parting feast. Now ’a perceives no access
to my house, ’a will to sea; a good riddance: if ’a
returns not, you, forsooth, are his heir; that’s not
much amiss. Yet there may be tricks: I will not be
overreached. Come, to your chamber; where, till my
return, you shall be in safe custody.
[_Exit with_ MISTRESS GLISTER.
MAR. O silly men, which seek to keep in awe
Women’s affections, which can know no law!
[MARIA _ascends_.[186]

SCENE II.

_A Street: before_ GLISTER’S _House_.

_Enter_ GERARDINE, LIPSALVE, _and_ GUDGEON.

LIP. Now, by the horns of Cupid’s bow, which hath been
the bane to many a tall[187] citizen, I think there be
no finer fools under heaven than we men when we are
lovers. How thou goest crying up and down, with thy arms
across, for a wife! which hadst thou, she’d cross both
arms, head, and heart. Dost not yet know the old
saying,—a wife brings but two good days, that is her
wedding-day, and death-day?
GUD. Believe him, Gerardine, ’a speaks now gospel: a man
may take more wife with one hand than he’s able to put
away with ten, Gerardine. A wife is such a cross, that
all married men would most gladly be rid of.
GER. And yet such a cross,[188] that all bachelors
would gladly be creeping to.
Profane not thus the sacred name of love,
You libertines, who never knew the joys
Nor precious thoughts of two consenting hearts!
LIP. Didst ever see the true picture of a lover? I can
give thee the hieroglyphic; and this it is: a man
standing naked, a wench tickling him on the left side
with a feather, and pricking him under the right side
with a needle. The allegory, as I take, is this: that at
the first we are so overjoyed with obtaining a wife,
that we conceit no heaven like to the first night’s
lodging; and that’s the signification of the left side,
for wives always in the night take the left-side place:
but, sir, now come to the needle on the right side,—
that’s the daytime, wherein she commands; then, sir, she
has a certain thing called tongue, ten times more sharp
than a needle, and that, at the least displeasure, a man
must have shot quite through him.
GUD. Gramercies, Lipsalve, my neat courtier!—But, sirrah
Gerardine, be thyself, sociable and free: leave not thy
native soil for a giglot,[189] a wench who in her wit is
proud——
LIP. In her smile deceitful——
GUD. In her hate revengeable——
LIP. And in nothing but her death acceptable. I’ll tell
thee, there’s no creature more desirous of an honest
name, and worse keeps it, than a woman. Dost hear?
follow this song; and if ever thou forsake thy country
for a wagtail, let me be whipt to death with ladies’
hairlaces.
GER. Let’s hear that worthy song, gentle master
Lipsalve.
LIP. Observe:
[_Sings_] _Now, if I list, will I love no more,
Nor longer wait upon a gill,_[190]
_Since every place now yields a wench;
If one will not, another will:
And, if what I have heard be true,
Then young and old and all will do._
How dost thou like this, man?
GER. No more, no more.
This is the chamber which confines my love,
This is the abstract of the spacious world:
Within it holds a gem so rich, so rare,
That art or nature never yet could set
A valued price[191] to her unvalued[192] worth.
LIP. Unvalued worth?[193] ha, ha, ha! Why, she’s but
A woman; and they are windy turning vanes;
Love light as chaff, which when our nourishing grains
Are winnow’d from them, unconstantly they fly
At the least wind of passion: a woman’s eye
Can turn itself with quick dexterity,
And in each wanton glass can comprehend
Their sundry fancy suited to each friend.[194]
Tut, their loves are all compact of levity,
Even like themselves: _nil muliere levius_ .
GUD. Tut, man, every one knows their worth when they are
at a rack-rent: in the term-time they bear as great a
price as wheat when transportations are.
[MARIA _appears above at a window_.
GER. Peace: let’s draw near the window, and listen if we
may hear her.
MAR. Debarr’d of liberty! O, that this flesh
Could, like swift-moving thoughts, transfer itself
From place to place, unseen and undissolv’d!
Then should no iron ribs or churlish flint
Divide my love and me: dear Gerardine,
Despite of chance or guardian’s tyranny,
I’d move within thy orb and thou in mine!
LIP. She’d move within thy orb and thou in hers? blood,
she talk[s] bawdy to herself.—Gudgeon, stand close.
MAR. But, [ah], in vain do I proclaim my grief,
When air and walls can yield me no relief!
GUD. The walls are the more stony-hearted then.
LIP. Peace, good Gudgeon, gape not so loud.
MAR. Come thou, my best companion! thou art sensible,
And canst my wrongs reiterate: thou and I
Will make some mirth in spite of tyranny.
The black-brow’d Night, drawn in her pitchy[195] wain,
In starry-spangled pride rides now o’er heaven:
Now is the time when stealing minutes tell
The stole delight joy’d by all faithful lovers:
Now loving souls contrive both place and means
For wished pastimes: only I am pent
Within the closure of this fatal wall,
Depriv’d of all my joys.
GER. My dear Maria, be comforted in this:
The frame of heaven shall sooner cease to move,
Bright Phœbus’ steeds leave their diurnal race,
And all that is forsake their natural being,
Ere I forget thy love.
MAR. Who’s that protests so fast?
GER. Thy ever-vowed servant, Gerardine.
MAR. O, by your vows, it seems you’d fain get up.
LIP. Ay, and ride too. [_Aside._
GER. I would, most lov’d Maria.
MAR. I knew it: he that, to get up to a fair woman, will
stick to vow and swear, may be accounted no man. But
tell me,
Why hast thou chose this hour to visit me,
Which nor the day nor night can claim, but both
Or neither? why in this twilight cam’st thou?
GER. T’ avoid suspicious eyes: I come, dear love,
To take my last farewell; fitting this hour,
Which nor bright day will claim nor pitchy night,
An hour fit to part conjoined souls.
Since that my native soil will not afford
My wish’d and best content, I will forsake it,
And prove more strange to it than it to me.
In time’s swift course all things shall find event,
Be it good or ill; and destinies do grant
That most preposterous courses often gain
What labour and direct proceedings miss.
MAR. Wo’t[196] thou forsake me then?
GER. Let first blest life forsake me! Be [thou]
constant:
My absence may procure thy more enlarge,
And then——
MAR. Desire’s conceit is quick; I apprehend thee:
Be thou as loyal as I constant prove,
And time shall knit our mutual knot of love.
Wear this, my love’s true pledge. [_Throws it down._]
I need not wish,
I know thou wo’t return, n[or] will I say
Thou may’st conceal thyself, being return’d,
Till I may make escape, and visit thee.
I prithee, love, attempt not to ascend
My chamber-window by a ladder’d rope:
Th’ entrance is too narrow, except this post,
Which may with ease,—yet that is dangerous:
I prithee, do it not. I hear some call:
Farewell![197]
My constant love let after-actions tell. [_Exit
above._
GER. O perfection of women!
LIP. A plague[198] of such perfection!
GER. How she wooes! by negatives shews——
GUD. Thee what to do, under colour of dissuasion.[199]
GER. She’s truly virtuous!
LIP. Tut, man, outward apparance[200] is no authentic
instance[201] of the inward desires: women have sharp
falcon’s eyes, and can soar aloft; but keep them, like
falcons, from flesh, and they soon stoop to a gaudy
lure.
GER. Why, then, Huguenot women are admirable angels.
GUD. But angels[202] make them admirable devils.
GER. My love’s chaste smile to all the world doth
speak
Her spotless innocence.

LIP. Women’s smiles are more of custom than of courtesy:
women are creatures; their hearts and they are full of
holes, apt to receive, but not retain affection. Thou
wilt to-morrow, thou sayest, begone: if thou wilt know
the worst of a country,[203] marry before thou goest;
for if thou canst endure a curst wife, never care what
company thou comest in.
GER. Come, merry gallants, will you associate me to my
cousin Purge’s the ’pothecary’s, and take part of my
parting feast[204] to-night?
GUD. O, his wife is of the Family of Love: I’ll thither;
perhaps I may prove of the fraternity in time: we’ll
thither, that’s flat. [_Exeunt._

SCENE III.

_A Room in_ PURGE’S _House_.

_Enter_ MISTRESS PURGE.
MIS. P. What, Club, Club! Is Club within there?

_Enter_ CLUB.
CLUB. Mistress?
MIS. P. I pray, what said master doctor Glister? will ’a
come?
CLUB. ’A sent word ’a would, for ’a was but to carry a
diet to one of his patients—what call you her? she that
paints a day-times, and looks fair and fresh on the
outside, but in the night-time is filthier than the
inside of Bocardo,[205] and is indeed far more unsavoury
[to those] that know her, forsooth.

MIS. P. Went ’a to her?
CLUB. ’A had a receipt for the grincomes[206] in his
hand, and ’a said ’a would take that in his way.
MIS. P. ’Tis well: and what guest[s] besides him and his
wife will be here at supper?
CLUB. The first in my account is master Gerardine your
cousin, master doctor Glister and his wife, master
Dryfat the merchant, master Lipsalve the courtier,
master Gudgeon the gallant, and their pages,—these, I
take, will be your full number.
MIS. P. Then belike my room shall be stuffed with
courtiers and gallants to-night. Of all men I love not
these gallants; they’ll prate much, but do little: they
are people most uncertain; they use great words, but
little sense; great beards, but little wit; great
breeches,[207] but no money.
CLUB. That was the last thing they swore away.
MIS. P. Belike they cannot fetch it again with swearing,
for if they could, there’s not a page of theirs but
would be as rich as a monarch.
CLUB. There’s nothing, mistress, that is sworn out of
date that returns. Their first oath in times past was
_by the mass_; and that they have sworn quite away: then
came they to their faith, as, _by my faith, ’tis so_;
that in a short time was sworn away too, for no man
believes now more than ’a sees: then they swore _by
their honesties_; and that, mistress, you know, is sworn
quite away: after their honesty[208] was gone, then came
they to their gentility, and swore _as they were
gentlemen_; and their gentility they swore away so fast,
that they had almost sworn away all the ancient gentry
out of the land; which, indeed, are scarce missed, for
that yeomen and farmers’ sons, with the help of a few
Welchmen, have undertook to supply their places:
then[209] at the last they came to silver, and their
oath was _by the cross of this silver_; and swore so
fast upon that, that now they have scarce left them a
cross[210] for to swear by.
MIS. P. And what do they swear by, now their money is
gone?
CLUB. Why, by ( ),[211] and _God refuse them_.
MIS. P. And can they not as well say, men refuse them,
as God refuse them?
CLUB. No, mistress; for men, especially citizens
and rich men, have refused their[212] bonds and
protestations already.

_Enter_ PURGE.

MIS. P. ’Tis well: see how supper goes forward, and
that my shoes be very well blacked against I go to the
Family. [_Exit_ CLUB.]—Now, sweet chick, where hast thou
been? In troth, la, I am not well: I had thought to have
spent the morning at the Family, but now I am resolved
to take pills, and therefore, I pray thee, desire doctor
Glister that ’a would minister to me in the morning.
PUR. Thy will is known; and this for answer say,
’Tis fit that wise men should their wives obey.

And now, sweet duck, know I have been for my cousin
Gerardine’s will, and have it: ’a has given thee a
legacy, but the total is Maria’s.

_Enter_ GLISTER, MISTRESS GLISTER, _and_ DRYFAT.

Master doctor, your wife, and master Dryfat, are most
welcome: now, were my cousin Gerardine and master
Lipsalve here, our number were complete.
GLI. Is this frantic will done? will master Gerardine to
sea? Let me tell you, I am no whit sorry; let such as
will be headstrong bite on the bridle.
PUR. ’Tis here, master doctor; all his worth is Maria’s,
and locked in a trunk, which by to-morrow[’s] sun shall
be delivered to your custody.
DRY. Methinks ’twere a reasonable match to bestow your
niece on master Gerardine: ’a is a most hopeful
gentleman, and his revenue such, that having your
niece’s portion to clear it of all incumbrances, ’twill
maintain them both in a very worthy degree.
GLI. Tut, you are master Dryfat the merchant; your skill
is greater in cony-skins[213] and woolpacks than in
gentlemen. His lands be in statutes: you merchants were
wont to be merchant staplers; but now gentlemen have
gotten up the trade, for there is not one gentleman
amongst twenty but his land[s] be engaged in twenty
statutes staple.[214]

_Enter_ LIPSALVE, GERARDINE, _and_ GUDGEON.

LIP. [_singing_] _Let every man his humour have,
I do at none repine;
I never regard whose wench I kiss,
Nor who doth the like by mine:
Th’ indifferent mind’s I hold still best,
Whatever does befall;
For she that will do with me and thee
Will be a wench for all._
And how go the squares?[215]
PUR. Your stay, gentlemen, does wrong to a great many of
good stomachs: your suppers expect you.
GUD. And we our suppers.
GLI. And from what good exercise come you three?
GER. From a play, where we saw most excellent
Sampson[216] excel the whole world in gate-carrying.
DRY. Was it performed by the youths?[217]
LIP. By youths? Why, I tell thee we saw Sampson, and I
hope ’tis not for youths to play Sampson. Believe it, we
saw Sampson bear the town-gates on his neck from the
lower to the upper stage,[218] with that life and
admirable accord, that it shall never be equalled,
unless the whole new livery of porters set [to] their
shoulders.
MIS. P. Fie, fie, ’tis pity young gentlemen can bestow
their time no better: this playing is not lawful, for I
cannot find that either plays or players were allowed in
the prime church of Ephesus by the elders.
DRY. Aha, I think she tickled you there!
PUR. Cousin Gerardine, shall the will be read before
supper?
GER. Before supper, I beseech you.
LIP. Ay, ay, before supper,—for when these women’s
bellies be full, their tongues[219] will be soon at
rest. [_Aside._
DRY. Well, master doctor, pity the state of a poor
gentleman: it is in you to stay his journey, and make
him and yourself happy in his choice.
GLI. Hold you content.—Shall this will be read?
PUR. It shall.—Read you, good master Lipsalve.
LIP. Command silence then.
GUD. Silence!
LIP. [_reads_] _In the name of God, amen. Know all men
by these presents,[220] that I Gerardine, being strong
of body, and perfect in sense_——
DRY. That’s false; there’s no lover in his perfect
sense.
GUD. Peace, Dryfat.
LIP. [_reads_] _Do give and grant to Maria Glister,
daughter of John Glister, and niece to doctor Glister,
physician, all my leases, lands, chattels, goods, and
moveables whatsoever._ This is stark naught: you cannot
give away your moveables, for mistress doctor and
mistress Purge claim both shares in your moveables by
reason of their legacies.
DRY. That’s true, for their legacies must go out of your
moveables.
LIP. I[’ll] put it in—_all my moveables, these following
legacies being paid_.
GER. Do so, good master Lipsalve.
LIP. [_after writing_] ’Tis done.
MIS. P. I pray, read only the legacies, for supper
stays.
LIP. Well, the legacies: [_reads_] _First, I give to my
cousin, mistress Purge, a fair large standing_—what’s
this?—O, _cup,—a fair large standing cup, with a close
stool_.
DRY. ’Tis not so, ’tis not so.
LIP. I cry you mercy; _a close cover_ ’tis. [_Reads_]
_To mistress doctor I give a fair bodkin of gold, with
two orient pearls attending the same: all which are in
my trunk to be delivered to the keeping of Maria. In
witness, &c._—Is this your will?
GER. ’Tis.
LIP. To it with your hand and seal.
[GERARDINE _signs and seals the will_.
MIS. P. How is it, chick? I must have the standing cup,
and mistress Glister the bodkin?
PUR. Right, sweet duck.
GER. I pray, gentlemen, put to your hands.
DRY. Come, your fists, gentlemen, your fists.
GER. [_while the witnesses sign the will._] Mistress
Glister, I have found you always more flexible to
understand the estate of a poor gentleman than your
husband was willing: therefore I have thought it a point
of charity to reveal the wrongs you sustain[221] by your
husband’s looseness. Let me tell you in private that the
doctor cuckolds Purge oftener than he visits one of his
patients: what ’a spares from you ’a spends lavishly on
her. These ’pothecaries are a kind of panders: look to
it: if ’a keep Maria long close, it is for some
lascivious end of his own.
MIS. G. She is his niece.
GER. Tut, these doctors have tricks. Your niceness is
such that you can endure no polluted shoes[222] in your
house: take heed lest ’a make you a bawd before your
time; look to it.
LIP. Come, our hands are testimonies to thy follies.
Shall’s now to supper? We’ll have a health go round to
thy voyage.
GUD. Ay, and to all that forswear marriage, and can be
content with other men’s wives.
GER. Of which consort[223] you two are grounds;
one touches the bass, and the other tickles the
minikin.[224]
But to our cheer: come, gentles, let’s away;
The roast meat’s in consumption by our stay.
[_Exeunt._