Chapter XI: Part 11

One of my Clients another time, having bought a good handsome Tenement, had so much confidence as to put me in Possession; my Client having purchased an Estate in the Country, was forced to be there to look after the management of his Rural affairs, for some certain time; I took this opportunity to forge a Lease to my self, at an easie Rent, from him that constituted me his Trustee. I soon found a Chapman for it, and sold this Lease, receiving a good round Fine, which had been a penny-worth indeed, had the Title been good; unto this man I delivered possession, who dwelt in it till the return of the right owner, who coming to his said house, wonder’d to find every thing so contrary to his expectation, and demanding of the Tenant by what power he inhabited in that dwelling, the poor man shewed him his forged Lease, declaring that he had paid his fine to such a man, nominating me, who at that time was not to be found. The Landlord could do no less than eject him his house, but finding him so grosly abused, required nothing for the time he was in it, but left him to the Law to require satisfaction of me. The abused being very much troubled he should be thus deceived, made so strickt inquiry after me, and so unwearied in his search, that at last he found me out, who said, nothing should serve his turn, but he would for this cheat have the rigor of the Law executed upon me; knowing of what a dangerous consequence it was, I got my adversary arrested in an action of a thousand pounds, who wanting Bayl was committed to _Newgate_, where grief released me by his death from ensuing prejudice. I afterwards forged a deed of Sale of an House hard by the former, which would have made more for my advantage, had not this man discovered my design, which made me the more inveterate against him and his. For this was alwayes my temper, though nothing could provoke me to express my anger in company (as having a perfect command over my passions in that nature) yet if any durst prosecute his own or friends right in opposition to me, I seldome left him, till I had either absolutely undone him, or so impoverisht him, that he should be in no condition to hurt me, or help himself, making him at last confess that he had been better to have sate down with his first loss. And this I effected the easier, having a conscience that scrupled nothing, and instruments that would swear anything. These contrivances of mine made me generally reputed a _subtil_ and _knowing man_, which brought me in multiplicity of business, with considerable in-comes. Neither did I alone sollicite for such as were concern’d in the Law, but I had my concernment with _Lifters_, who did put so great a confidence in me, that what they got was left solely to my disposal, either by sale or pawn, for which I had my brokage, and something else beside. Now was I grown so famous (my Garb adding much to my fame, which was very splendid) that if any intricate controversie, reference, or Law-suit arose among my Neighbours, they knew no person fitter to make their appeal to, than my self for arbitration. If any again wanted either money, goods, nay a _cooler_ of concupiscence, I was adjudged the best _Procurer_. By these means I tumbled in money; and to let the world know it, I wore a several Suit every day, having besides Habits suitable to any design. Now did those that knew me not, even adore me; those that were acquainted with me, out of fear were forced to show me more than ordinary respects. I confesse had I now walkt in a _medium_, this had been the time (as they say there is a time allotted to every man) to have made my self for ever. But Knaverie was so implanted in my Nature, that I could not forbear cheating the dearest friend I had, if he intrusted me, circumvent every man that had more honesty than my self; and though I was sure to damn Soul and Body, yet I must attempt the destruction of my adversary, and to speak the truth, I did not stick to betray my friend, if any advantage would accrue to me thereby. For one trick I serv’d an ancient Widow, I now and then find some internal gripings, I cannot tell whether they proceed from conscience, because I never knew what conscience was; and this it is. A Gentlewoman of my acquaintance, whose sole dependance was upon Lodgers, and having taken up a great many Goods to a considerable value to furnish her House, befitting the reception of any person of quality, for which she was indebted, and having too often put off her Creditor, came to me, desiring the favour of me to procure her fifty pound, telling me, that such a Knight, and such a Squire would stand bound with her; that will not do (said I) for the Gentry have so many tricks to keep Citizens out of their money. That they will have better security. Perceiving her present necessities were very urgent, I knew I could do any thing with her; wherefore I perswaded her to confess a Judgement: she agreed to it. I told her such a day it should be done, but I would speak with the Party first: according to the day prefixt I came, bringing with me a Warrant of Attorny, with a friend or two to attest it; she confided so much in me, as to seal before she receiv’d the moneys. That being done; now come along with me (said I) to such a place, where the Money lyeth ready. As we were going, there was a stop in a Lane by Carts & Coaches, and by the help thereof I dodg’d her, she seeing me no more till it was too late; for I came with an Execution a while after, and carried away every pennyworth of Goods she had; yet so civil I was, that I would not let her see it done, knowing it could not but be a great trouble to her, to that intent about half an hour before I sent for her in my name, far enough distant from her own Habitation. In this nature with some variations as to the manner, I served several. Knowing I had a plentiful invention, which seldom failed me, I scorned to be so idle as to make use of one trick only, to bring about my ends; & as I had several, I never made use of one trick twice, for fear of being _smoakt_. I seldom went abroad, but I had some of my Complices at my heels, rarely going together, unless necessity required it. I went into a _Coffee-house_ one day, and sat me down at a common Table, (as the Room is to all Comers) a little after came in one of my _Imps_, and sits himself down too. I had then a very curious Ring upon my finger, which a Gentleman opposite to me perceiving, pray Sir (said he) do me the favour as lend me a sight of that Ring on your finger; I presently delivered him; having viewed it and commended it, my Rogue must needs desire a sight of it too from this Gentleman, who thinking no harm, gave it into his hands; after he had lookt on it a while, he fairly marched off with it: I saw him, but would not in the least take notice thereof, knowing where to find him. The Gentleman imagined nothing to the contrary, but that the right Owner had received it again. A little while after, I demanded very courteously my Ring, excusing his detention thereof upon the account of forgetfulness. The Gentleman starting, replied, Sir, I thought you had had it long since. I told him I had it not; and as I delivered it unto him, I should require it from no other person. He pisht at it, and in the conclusion bad me take my course; and so I did, having first taken witness of the standers by, I sued him, and recovered the value of my Ring twice over; producing two in Court that swore point blank, that the one of them sold it me for so much—. One thing I confess I frequently made use of, which was this; If any person dy’d, and none durst administer, but leave the Deceased’s Goods to the Creditors, then would I be sure to make my self a principal Creditor by a forged Bond, and thereupon sue out letters of administration, and sweeping all away, I wiped the nose of other Creditors.

CHAP. XL.

_What a notable revengeful trick he serv’d the Turn-key of
_Ludgate_._

I went on a time to see a Prisoner in _Ludgate_, but thinking to come out again as easily as I went in, I found my self just as the Picture I have often seen upon the _Exchange_, wherein is represented a man plunging himself with much ease into the great end of the Horn, but with the greatest difficulty can hardly squeeze his Head through the other end. Hell Gates stand ever open to let all souls in, but none are suffer’d to go out. Here I waited two hours for the return of the Turn-key, fretting my self even to death for being detained from my urgent occasions. At length he came: I told him what an injury he did me: instead of excusing himself, he returned me very scurvy language, which provoked my passion so much, that though I said little, yet my invention was presently at work to be reveng’d. Not long after I got a poor fellow to be arrested for an inconsiderable debt, advising him to turn himself instantly over to _Ludgate_. In a short time the poorness of this mans condition was generally known, and he himself pretending he was almost starved, got liberty to put in what slender security he could procure for his true imprisonment, and so had leave to go abroad. In the mean time I had got a Bond of the Prisoner of fourscore pound for the payment of forty, and so went privately and enter’d an action of Debt. I told the Prisoner the next time he went out he should run away, which he did, neither was there any security to be found; then did I bring my action against the Keeper, with my _Knights_ of the _Post_, and so recovered the money.

CHAP. XLI.

_What a freak he play’d upon a Jeweller._

I was intimately acquainted with a Jeweller in _Foster-Lane_, whom I often helped to the sale of Rings and Jewels, so that my credit was very good with him. Being one time above in his work-room, I chanced to spy a very rich Jewel, whereupon I told him I could help him to the sale thereof; my Lady such a one having lately spoke to me about such a thing. He gladly delivered it to me at such a price to shew it her. But I only carried it to another to have one exactly made like it with counterfeit stones. Before I went, I askt him if the Lady dislike it, whether I might leave it with his Wife or Servant? I, I, (said he) to either will be sufficient. I was forced to watch one whole day to see when he went out; and being gone, presently went to the Shop, and enquired of his Wife for her Husband; she answered me, he was but just gone. Well, Madam (said I) you can do my business as well as he, ’tis only to deliver these stones into your custody; and so went off undiscovered. Not long after I met him in the street, carrying displeasure in his looks; Sir (said he) I thought a friend would not have serv’d me so; but I deny’d it stifly. Whereupon he was very angry, and told me he would sue me: I valu’d not his threats, and so left him; I had not gone many paces before I met with a friend, that complain’d to me he had lost a very valuable Locket of his Wives, it being stolen from her. Glad I was that this should fall out so pat to my purpose; I askt him to give me a description of it, which he did punctually. Now, said I, what will you give me, if I tell you where it is? Any thing in reason. Then go to such a Shop in _Foster-Lane_ (_the same Shop where I cheated the man of his Ring_) and there ask peremptorily for it; I was there at such a time and saw it; and he would have had me help him to a Customer for it? I’ll stay at the Star-Tavern for you. Away he went and demanded his Locket: The Jeweller deny’d he had any such thing, (as well he might.) Upon this he returned to me, and (by this I had another with me) and told me what he said. Whereupon I advised him to have a Warrant for him to fetch him before a Justice of Peace, and that I and my friend (which saw as much as I) would swear it. The Goldsmith was instantly seiz’d on by a Constable, and assoon as he saw who they were that would swear against him, desired the Gentleman to drink a glass of wine, and then tender’d him satisfaction: But I had order’d the business that it would not be taken unless he would give us all three general releases. He knowing the danger that might ensue to life and estate if we persisted, consented to the proposal.

CHAP. XLII.

_He puts a notable Cheat upon a Gentleman concerning his
House._

Walking one time in the Fields with an Attendant or two, who would be constantly bare before me, if in company with any persons of quality, but otherwise, _hail fellow well met_; I was got as far as _Hackney_, ere I thought where I was; for my thoughts were busied about designs, and my wit was shaping them into a form; casting my eye on the one side of me, I saw the prettiest built and well scituated House that ever my eyes beheld. I presently had a covetous desire to be Master thereof: I was then, as Fortune would have it, in a very gentile Garb; I walkt but a little way further, and I soon found out a Plot to accomplish my desires. And thus it was: I returned and knockt at the Gate, and demanded of the Servant whether his Master was within? I understood he was, and thereupon desired to speak with him. The Gentleman came out to me himself, desiring me to walk in. After I had made a general Apology, I told him my businesse, which was only to request the favour of him, that I might have the priviledge to bring a Workman to Supervise his House, and to take the Dimensions thereof, because I was so well pleased with the Building, that I eagerly desired to have another built exactly after that pattern. The Gentleman could do no lesse than to grant me so small a civility. Coming home, I went to a Carpenter, telling him I was about buying an House in _Hackney_, and that I would have him accompany me to give me (in private) the estimate. Accordingly we went, and found the Gentleman at home, who entertained me kindly as a stranger. In the mean time the Carpenter took an exact account of the Butts and Bounds of the House on Paper; which was as much as I desired for that time.

Paying the Carpenter well, I dismist him, and by that Paper had a Lease drawn with a very great fine (mentioned to have been paid) at a small Rent; Witnesses thereunto I could not want. Shortly after I demanded Possession. The Gentleman thinking me out of my wits, only laught at me: I commenced my suit against him; and brought my own Creatures to swear the sealing and delivering of the Lease, the Carpenters evidence, with many other probable Circumstances to strengthen my cause; whereupon I had a Verdict: The Gentleman understanding what I was, thought it safer to compound with me, and lose something, rather than lose all.

CHAP. XLIII.

_How he cheated a Scrivener under the pretence of bringing
him good Security for an Hundred pound which he would
borrow._

Attiring my self in one of the richest Garbs I had, I went to a Scrivener in _Bow-lane_, and acquainted him I had an occasion for an Hundred pound. He demanded the Names of my Security. I told him where they lived, two persons of eminent worth (whom I knew were gone into the Country) and desired him to make enquiry, but in it to be private and modest. The Scrivener according to my desires went and found them by report to be what they were, real, able, and sufficient men: two or three days after I called upon him to know whether I might have the money upon the Security propounded. He told me I might, bringing the persons; and appointed me a day. According to the time I came with two of my Complices attired like wealthy grave Citizens, who personated such persons so to the life, that the Scrivener could not entertain the least suspition. The money being ready, I told it over, and putting it up in a bag, I and my insignificant Bondsmen sealed, leaving the Scrivener to another enquiry after us, whom, if he did not meet, I was confident he could never find out by reason of our feigned Names.

It chanced that my forged and fictitious name shook hands with that of a Gentleman in _Surrey_, who was a great purchaser, which I came to know by being accidentally in his company the next night after I had cheated this credulous Scribe, understanding likewise from him the exact place of his abode; and as the Devil would have it, his Christian name was the same, as well as his Sir-name, with that of mine I had borrowed. Whereupon I went to the Scrivener again, and told him that now I had a fair opportunity to benefit my self very much by a purchase, provided he would assist me with 200 pound more. But Sir, said I, take notice (in a careless and generous frankness) that it is out of a particular respect to you, that you might profit by me that I come, again, neither will I now give you any other Security than my own Bond, though I did otherwise before. But if you will desire to be satisfied as to my Estate, pray let your servant go to such a place in _Surry_, there is a piece of Gold to bear his charges, and I will satisfie you further for the losse of your Servants time. He being greedy of gain, very officiously promised me to do what I required, and would speedily give me an answer. Imagining what time his Servant would return, I repaired to him again, and understood from him by the sequel that he received as much satisfaction as in reason any man could require. Hereupon I had on my own Bond the money paid me. I cannot but laugh to think how strangely the _Surry_ Gentleman was surprized when the money becoming due was demanded of him, and how like the figure of man in Hangings the Scrivener lookt when he found himself cheated.

CHAP. XLIV.

_How he was revenged on a Broker for arresting him for some
Goods he had past his word for upon his friends
account._

Notwithstanding I dayly thus, almost, cheated one or other, procuring thereby considerable sums of money, yet, by my drinking, Whoreing, and defending my self from such as I had wronged, I seldom kept any money by me. One day as I walk’d the streets securely, as I thought, a fellow fastned his _Flesh-Hooks_ on my Shoulder. Looking about to see what this sudden _clap_ meant, I saw a fellow behind me, whose face lookt ten times worse than those _Philistines_ that are pictured on Chimny pieces, seizing upon _Samson_; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within _Aldersgate_; his Visage was almost eaten through with Pock-holes, every hole so big, that they would have served for Children to play at Cherry-pit; His Nose resembled an Hand-saw; take both Head and Face together, and it appeared like the Saracens on _Snow-hill_; questionless some _Incubus_ begot him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my self from my amazement, I askt him what his business was with me? He spake but little, leaving his errand to his Mace (which he shewed me) to relate. Away they carried me to _Woodstreet_ at the Kings-head, from whence I sent for Bail, which speedily came to me: having put in Bail to one Action, I found another enter’d: having done the like to that I found another, half a dozen more bearing it company; wherefore thanking my friends for the trouble I had put them to, I desired them to leave me, resolving to go to _Ludgate_. The two Serjeants that arrested me conducted me thither, having my name enter’d in the Paper-House, as Horses in _Smithfield_ are in the Tole-booth: _Cerberus_ turned the Key, and set the door as wide open as _Westminster_-Hall Gate in the Term-time to Country Client, to receive me from my Hell-guides, which puts me in mind of that old Verse,

_Noctes atque dies patet atri janua ditis._

I no sooner was enter’d into this inchanted Isle, where some lie wind-bound sometimes seven years together, but a fellow (whom at first sight I took to be a Gardner, because he had a kind of _Reddish_ beard, _and turn’d up_ withal) came to me, and understanding I was a Prisoner, seem’d mighty courteous, profering me his Chamber, for my Garnish sake. I accepted his kindness, and went with him to view this Cobweb-hung Chamber, for so it proved; I demanded of him who should be my Bed-fellow? that Gentleman there Sir, said he, that sits by the fire-side: I could not forbear smiling, for he was a fat squobby fellow, though his brain seemed to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and was forc’d to make use of a Knife instead of a Razor; for his beard it was cut round like a rubbing brush. Certainly, had all the skin of his body been like that of his face, it would have served excellent well when he was dead to make cloke-bags of. Not content with this lodging, I sought out another; liking it somewhat better then the former, I pitcht on it. Assoon as they understood my resolution, they worried me presently like angry Mastiffs, barking for their Garnish; I told them they should have it to morrow, at which they grumbled like the greatest strings of a Base-Viol. Before I went to Bed I must pay for a pair of sheets, that never came nigh _Holland_ by three hundred miles, and out of much civility my Bedfellow brought me a Candle not so long as his nose to light me to Bed.

The next morning I made it my business to get out assoon as I could; some I paid, others I non-suited, and so got clear. Being out I resolved not to rest till I had revenged my self on this Broker that had thus troubled me. I needed not means for the Devil seldom failed to help my inventions. I pretended to go into the Country, and in order to it pack’d up a Trunk of what I had most valuable and portable, and getting a Porter, sent it to an Inn where a _Norwich_-Carryer used to lye, but I knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter, I enquired for such a Carryer, but they told me he was gone, and would not return till the next week. I askt them where I might lay my Trunk safe: they shewed me a Room; where bidding the Porter sit down, I called for some Ale, telling the Porter, moreover, that I would have him be a witness of what there was in the Trunk, lest I should be dishonestly dealt by; whereupon I unlockt it, desiring him to take notice, which he did, and to be more sure took an Inventory in Writing. Having paused a little, now I think upon it (said I) Porter, it will not be safe to leave this here in a publique house, as in a friends, wherefore prethee go buy a Cord, and thou shalt carry it elsewhere. Whilest he was gone, I took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish, or what I could get, and so lockt it again. The Porter returning, we corded the Trunk, and carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me, that I would intrust him after our controversie, and received it. The next week I told him I would call for it, in order to the sending it into the Country. The time being come, I took the same Porter with me, and demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come, Porter, said I, you must uncord it again, for I have present use for something therein contain’d; which being done, I seemingly amaz’d, cryed out I was rob’d, taxing the Broker for so doing, villifying him for his knavery. He protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the receipt thereof. Well Sir (said I) this shall not serve your turn, this honest Porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he saw it at first. In a great seeming heat I left him, but before he slept I sent a couple of Serjeants to him, who arrested him; coming to tryal, by the assistance of two (resolv’d Jurors) and this Porter, I overthrew him, and recovered above forty pound, besides cost of Suit.

CHAP. XLV.

_How he cozened a rich Usurer, and a young Tradesman._

Being resolved to go and look out some of my Consorts to rejoyce together for my good successe in my advantagious revenge, I met with an old comrade that had lately _heav’d a Booth, Anglice_ broken open a Shop, who told me he had a quantity of good comodities, and desired me to put them off for him, knowing that I dealt in Brokeage in goods indirectly come by: I promised him I would. The next day he delivered what he had into my hands, I instantly carried them to an old Usurer that would grasp at any thing, telling him I only desired to Mort-gage them for such a time, requesting to lend me fifty pounds thereon. He looking upon them to be thrice the value of that sum, lent me freely the quantity of mony propounded, and in my sight took the Goods and laid them in a place next his Bed-chamber. The same day I met with this friend, who demanded of me whether I had done his businesse? No, not yet (said I) it will be to morrow first: However let us drink a glass of wine, which he readily consented to. Having drank pretty smartly, he could not contain himself (so powerful are the operations of Wine, as it frequently makes a man divulge that which carrieth in it inevitable ruine) I say he told me whose Shop it was he robb’d, and at what time. I seem’d to take little notice then, though I intended to make good use of it. Parting with him, I went straightway to the person rob’d, and told him that accidentally I was inform’d of his late losse, and that my intent of coming was out of a principle of honesty, to assist him in the recovery of what was stollen from him. But before I acquainted him with any thing, I required of him a Bond of 10 _l._ if I helpt him to his Goods; which he granted me. I advised him to get the Lord Chief Justices Warrant, which he did, and taking some friends with him, I directed them where they should go, and in what place they should find them. He would have had me gone with him, but that I excused my self, alledging it would be inconvenient. Taking a Constable with them, they went & found what they sought for according to my direction, which they seiz’d, leaving the old man to condole his losse, which had been no great matter, had not his life lain in his Purse.

Having thus carried on my mischievous contrivances with continued impunity; the next I fell on was a young Merchant, to whom I went gentily habited, with a foot-boy waiting at my heels. I lookt out several Commodities, and laid them aside, assuring him that I would e’re long lay out a considerable parcel of money with him. We discours’d upon the price, and in the conclusion closed. The next day I appointed the Goods to be sent home to my House, and in the interim desired him to go along with me, and accept of what poor accommodation my habitation would afford him, under the pretence of being better acquainted, but my design was to raise in him a good opinion of me, for I had one room (especially) very richly hung with costly Furniture. My motion was entertained, and away we went, where I treated him nobly; the next day the Commodities were sent in with his Servant, who expected his money, but I pretended that my Cashier was abroad, and so desired him to call the next morning; he did, but then I was not to be spoken with. Thus he did so often till the young man was weary. At last the Master himself came, who met me just as I was going out; who had not the patience to ask for his money, but presently railed most bitterly, calling me cheat, knave, _&c._ and that he would not put himself to the trouble of polling me up, but would have a Warrant for me instantly.

Being gone, I was as nimble as himself, having a couple of my Emissaries ready for him against his return. It was not long before he came strutting with a Constable. Perceiving him coming, I sent my two friends out with their Warrant, and putting it into the Constables hand, charged him in the Kings name to execute it upon such a one, meaning the Merchant; who dared not deny it, but carried him before a Justice, before whom my two Rogues swore flat felony, and so was committed. Sending for friends, they advised him to make an end thereof. Whereupon I was much solicited; and upon consideration I consented to cause my friends to forbear prosecution.

As yet I have not fully unbowell’d the huge bulk of my villany, that hath proved so burdensome to the world, and destructive to so many Families; wherefore give me leave a little farther to anatomize my own vicious nature, and I shall so lay open the Ulcers and Sores of my Impostumed Machinations, apparent to the sight of every one, that the most Ospray and Owl-eyed spectator shall confesse there never was a more necessary and commodious discovery revealed.

Brother, said I, for so I must call you now, your _flagitious_ deeds claiming that title, and must be compell’d I see to give you superiority, the upper-hand, for I am confident the line of other mens inventions never sounded the Sea of a more deep and dreadful mischief. When I consider how powerful and imperious vice is of late grown; and what horrid facts are committed every where by licentious and wicked men that swarm in all places: I admire that the Fabrick of the Earth is not continually palsyed by Earth-quakes, since there is a Creator above that oversees such actions. That the Earth her self (though an indulgent Mother) doth not receive into her Womb her off-spring, and therein for shame hide them: that the air is not choaked with Froggs, and that black pitchy mists do not perpetually masque the face of Heaven, and leave the world in obscurity; and that the Sun doth not hide his face from seeing such enormous crimes, blacker than is the Eclipse of his countenance: and lastly, that the Sea is not turned to blood to put us in mind of the cruel and remorselesse usages of one another; our kindnesse being commonly attended with discourtesies of a Vermilion hue. Thus Brother you see I am sensible of my miscarriages, but want the power to regulate my life. I would have proceeded, but that I found this discourse grated in his ears; wherefore I desired him to prosecute his story, which he did in this manner.

CHAP. XLVI.

_He discovers the subtlety of some Citizens he had to do
withal by Broking for them, relating his own craft and
cunning; and what the consequent was, the ruine of young
Gentlemen._

Like an Hawk as I told you, I flew at all Game, not confining my self to any one thing particularly: where I could abuse the Law, I did; and if I had an opportunity to Trepan, I seldome failed, _&c._ Some part of my time I spent in the enquiry of what young Heirs were arrived, into whose society I was sure by one means or other to insinuate my self. These Country Wood-cocks I knew how to catch with a City Spring; whom I very well understood, had rather be out of the world than out of the fashion, who would be brave for the present time, though their Gallantry cost them all their future Fortunes. I commonly laid my plot thus: Sir, you undervalue your self by the meanness of your Habit, it being so unsuitable to your quality: if you want money, you cannot want credit, having a fair promising estate in reversion; if you are willing, I will find you out a believing Mercer. Returning me many thanks, it may be he would be in such hast as to send me presently. He could not be so eager to have his gaudy desires satisfied, as I forward to accomplish them. I knew where to go readily to one, with whom I went snips; in so saying, I would not have any think I throw dirt upon that noble profession. If I discover the fraud of any particular person, as long as I name him not, I do him no wrong; but if I detect by what deceitful and sinister means he worketh upon the infirmity of the youth of a green-witted Gallant, it may serve for an _use of instruction_. In the most famous Universities there are some Dunces resident, that by disgracing themselves, disgrace also their fellow Students. In the most virtuous Courts there will be some Parasites. So in the most goodly and glorious City under Heavens Canopy, there are some Asps lurking, that sting the reputation of their Brethren by their poysonous and corrupt dealings. There are knaves in all _Trades_ but _Book-selling_.

But to my purpose: a young Gentleman coming out of _Norfolk_ to see the City, and finding so many (beneath him in estate) gallant it so much above him, he grew very melancholy: hapning to be in his company, and indifferently well acquainted with him, I askt him the cause of his sadness? after I had prest him very much, he ingeniously confest the true original of his pensiveness. Pish, said I, is that all? let me alone to effect what you desire; neither shall you wait longer than the morrow. Leaving my Gentleman, away I went to a person fit for my purpose, and gave him an account of my business: glad he was, thankt me for my pains, promising me a reward, and would needs have me to a Tavern to consult this affair. Having concluded every thing, I repaired the next day to my Gentleman, who over-joyed to see me was impatient to know whether his wishes were consummated. Come along with me, said I, and we will try what we can do. I have bin very importunate with the Mercer, but as yet I cannot mollifie him; it may be your presence may do much. Finding him in the shop, I called him aside, and told him this was the Gentleman. My young Gentleman, that would be a Gallant presently, fell aboard him, and (with much fervencie and protestations) he woo’d the Mercer to credit him for 30 _l._ worth of Commodities. I call’d him aside, saying, What will 30 _l._ worth do? take up 100 _l._ worth; and what you use not, I’ll dispose by sale, to furnish your Pockets with money. He thankt me kindly for my advice, and returned to the Mercer, who askt him, If he should credit him with so much, what security would he propound? This struck my young Gentleman as mute as a Cods-head. The Mercer perceiving he had nothing to say, plaid the _Rope-maker_, being extreme _backward_ to trust him: Bonds he refused, Judgements he would not hear of, Statutes he scorned: for, said he, Gentlemen of late have found out so many tricks to cozen their Creditors, (I by the same means having had several Collops cut from the body of my estate) that I will not credit any more: whereas he spake this only to grinde the blunt appetite of my _Commodity-taker_ into a _sharper edge_, and make him more greedy of his own ruine; imitating in this a cunning and deceitful, though petulant and wanton Curtezan, who is nice when a sick-brain’d young Gallant importunes her to admit of his amorous kindness, only to make him more fierce upon his own confusion: holding him off like a Fencer, a month or two, that he may come up the more roundly to her purpose. But to the matter. My Gentleman being as it were denied, I seconded him thus: Sir, you know not what you do in refusing to credit this Gentleman; he is his fathers heir, a man of a vast estate, and very aged: This his son is about a very great Match, a rich heiress; and though he hath not money for the present, yet let him have an hundred pounds worth of _Commodities_, you need not doubt your payment; and it will do him at this present a thousand pounds worth of good. The Mercer began to hearken to this, and protested to my _Green-goose_ that he would be glad to do any a pleasure, so as not to injure himself; that if he could but possess him with a belief that he should have his money in six months, he would freely let him have 100 _l._ worth of what he pleased. The yong Gentleman protested it, and I warranted it; and the Mercer (though seemingly loth) condescended, upon this Proviso still, that he should procure some man else to be bound with him, as good as himself: for, said he, we are all mortal, and not having a lease of our lives, we may die before to-morrow; where then is my 100 _l._? Signior Unthrift is once more put to his _non-plus_; but at length he fell to intreat me to do it, who would not by any means; and so we parted. He would not let me rest for two or three days together; so that at last, provided he would give me 10 _l._ I agreed; and so we went again to the Mercer, and entring into Bonds, we had the _Commodities_. Having made my yong Gentleman an absolute Gallant, I went to sell what was left, of which I made 40 _l._ but I made my Gallant to be contented with 30. alledging, that when goods came once to be sold, they will not yeild the moiety of what they cost, though new: and out of that 30_l._ I had my 10 _l._ for suretyship. Thus I perswaded him to be very well satisfied. He revels about, whilst I was contriving to leave him as bare of means as brains. Now doth my Mercer dream of nothing but his pay-day, which he hoped would be broken. The time being expired, and my young Novice not minding it, the Mercer invited him to a dinner in _Fish-street_. Dinner being almost ended, for a third course came up a couple of _Sergeants_ stewed with _Mace_, who arrested him at the suit of the founder of the feast. Not procuring Bail, he was carried to the Counter, where he lay some time. His friends hearing of it, endeavour’d to get him out, by suing out an _Audita querela_. My Mercer hearing of that, advised with me what was best to be done. Agree, said I, with some Officer in the Exchequer, and turn the debt over to the King, pretending you owe him so much money: for the Chancery will not or cannot allow any thing in such a case against his Majesty. He so doing, did his business for the present. Thus have I read, when Jews have bought a red-hair’d boy, at first they cloath him in silks, ravishing him with all the delights that can be thought on, never have Musick from his ears, or Banquets from his taste; and thus use him, till they see he is plump, fat, & fit for their purpose: but when the poor boy least thinks of his imminent ruine, he is taken by a brace of slaves, and tyed up by the heels, so beaten by degrees to death with Cudgels, purging the rankest poyson out of his mouth, and making Mumy of his flesh. I shall leave it to the Reader to make application. In short, I perswaded the Mercer to take a Bond of 500_l._ of his prisoner, to be paid after his fathers decease. This Widgeon being in the nets, sealed to any thing for his liberty. He was not the first so served, by thousands: and that is the reason there are so many Crested Citizens: for Gentlemen being begger’d by their Extortion, they have no other means then to _fall in_ with their wives, _purchasing_ from them a supply. This is it that makes the road every where so full of High-way-men, who will borrow of men when they have little minde to lend, but not without giving them _Bonds_. This makes _Tyburn_ the Metropolitan, and other petty Gallowses, have so many _hangers on_; and this is the cause so many such Citizens sons are plagued after their fathers deaths, as their fathers when living have plagued others. These are the Boars that plow up whole acres, nay fields of Gentlemens lands with their snouts: these are the Swine that eat up whole Orchards; and these are they, whose fiery consciences drink up whole Fishponds at a draught; and lastly, they are the _Hurricanes_ that root up the trees of whole Woods together. From such _libera nos Domine_.

To conclude, take this as an infallible Maxime, that the worst of Creditors are either very rich, or very poor men. The rich man can stay for his money, and so will have all or none; the poor will have no pity, nor indeed can he, since the debt may be all he is worth.

CHAP. XLVII.

_How he insinuated himself into the acquaintance of all he
thought he could prey upon, and what tricks he used to
build his interest upon their ruine._

How can that _Tyrant_ flourish in his Commonwealth, when the foundation of his Reign was built on the Sepulchre of the right and lawful Heir he murther’d? And how can that man prosper, whose rise he rear’d from other mens ruines? Such was I, who having oftentimes been gulled by Knaves, turned Knave my self, and did as greedily hunt after such I could make a prey of, (to repair the damages I had sustain’d by others) as the devil doth after Usurers souls, being on their death-beds, resolving to live like a Bandite on the spoil. Like an old Souldier having been beaten to the world, (or indeed more properly, beaten by the world) I began to summon up all my senses and my idle brains to a strict account, how to get that up again, my riot and folly had spent; and thinking I had no way to recover my self, but by what ruined me, I did cast about me, and fished after this manner. I prepared my lines, provided baits, and made ready my hooks, which had such constant and firm barbs, that after I had struck a Gudgeon in the gills, I was sure to hold him, though I suffer’d him to play a little in the stream. The Flouds I daily frequented, were either the Temple, Ordinaries, Play-houses, Cock-pits, Brothels, or Taverns, leaving no place unsearch’d, wherein there might be any thing worthy a Bait. If such I found, like a shadow I was never from his heels, but followed him close, especially if he was a young Country-Gentleman, whom his father had sent up to see fashions in the Citie: and rather then he should go out as raw as he came in, I failed not to season him in one of the Cities Powdering-Tubs. First, I made it my business to know what his father allowed him; then would I study his natural disposition and inclination, and accordingly sute my self to him, so that by my behaviour towards him, he should look upon me to be his _Masculine Sweet-heart_, his bosom-friend, and that like _Hippocrates_ twins we must needs live and die together. Having accordingly by much sweat and industry adapted and fitted him to my humour and purpose, and wrought him to such a soft and waxen temperature, that I could make what impression I pleased on him, I brought him acquainted with some of my accomplices, who all vail’d bonnet to him, invited him from Tavern to Tavern, not letting him expend a peny; or if he wanted money, I would supply him with four or five pound. This Innocent (not having yet scented the Citie-air) all this while thinks himself in _Elysium_, fancying he enjoys more delights then the _Turks Paradise_ affords; and withal imagineth himself not a little graced, to be entertained among such seeming Gallants. For my Rogues (give me the liberty to call them so) lookt on it as the greatest piece of policie to wear good cloaths, though their pockets were worse furnished then a Chandlers box, that seldom hath any greater money in it, then Two-pence, Three-pence, Groats, _&c._ Sometimes my Cully did meet with some that knew me, who would advise him to have a care of me, and not to keep me company, for I was a dangerous person, and in the end would be his ruine. Whereas it was but to little purpose: for when youth is in its full vigour, and height of desire, neither wholesome counsel, nor lamentable examples, will give them warning of their future destruction. Still I continued my seeming respects and kindnesses to him, which I onely intended as the _Præludium_ or Prologue to that Play which was to come after: for my Country _Cock-brain_ being honeyed with these sweet delights, thought that whatever he could return, was notable to give an answerable satisfaction. Watching a fit opportunity, (when he was well warm’d with Wine) then would I perswade him, (which was no difficult matter) to be bound with me for so much, _&c._ which I promised I would repay at the day, without putting him to any inconvenience: but he knew not, that what I borrowed for an hour, I borrowed for an age. When I could squeeze no more juyce out of him, then I left him to the mercy of his Creditors, to be dealt withal as the Popinjay in the Fable, who being summoned to appear with the rest of the winged Tribe, before their King the Eagle, borrowed of all the finer sort of birds feathers to adorn him, and make him appear splendid before his Soveraign. After he was dismiss’d, he proudly flutter’d up and down the woods with his borrow’d gallantry; which made the little Titmouse, Wren and Hedge-sparrow adore him. They to whom he was obliged for his gallantry, hearing thereof, demanded again their own, and so deplum’d him, whereby he seem’d ten times worse then those small birds that lately did admire him. Such Popinjays are they, who borrow of every Citizen, to make themselves shew glorious in the worlds eye; but when the Creditors shall come and claim their own, and get it, they will seem more foul, then lately they did fair. So various and villanous were the pranks I committed every day, that I was forced now, like an Owl, to appear onely by night in the Citie. If I did at any time transgress that custom, I did then like the dogs of _Egypt_, which when they come to drink of the river _Nilus_, lap here and there, not daring to stay long in one place, for fear the Crocodiles that lie lurking within the banks, should pull them into the Current: so did I, skulking here and there, first to one Tavern, and then, not daring to stay longer there, shifting to another. But to proceed.

CHAP. XLVIII.

_How he could make Ink that would disappear from the Paper,
accordingly as he pleased, by the strength or weakness
of the composition. His imitating exactly both Hand and
Seal. A remarkable Story thereupon._

Reading one time a book that an Italian writ, I found therein a description of several sorts of Ink, and how to make them; but more especially, an Ink that should last a week, a month, or two, according to the composition. I made an experiment, and found it hit indifferently well: perceiving how beneficial this would be to me, I resolved not to rest till I had found out the true Receipt; which I did at last, by much study and industry. Having obtain’d it, I so highly valued it, that methought I would not have parted with it for the _Philosophers Stone_. Not to be tedious, I did abuse therewith many persons with Bonds, Leases, Deeds, Acquittances, _&c._ there appearing in such a time nothing but the bare Seal, the paper remaining as white as if never writ on. By the help of Graving, I could counterfeit Seals exactly, insomuch that I have often cheated the _Grand Cheater, Oliver_, the late hypocritical and bloudy Tyrant; and by an exact imitation of an hand-writing his Council was too sensible of what Cheats I put upon them. That I was no bungler at it, I shall give you this instance. Accidentally coming acquainted with a Gentlewoman, very beautiful and well featur’d, her sparkling eyes set me all in a flame, so that I resolved to attempt the enjoyment of her. Oftentimes I visited her, and by the modesty of my carriage towards her, she perceived not my burning lust. One time having a fit opportunity, she being alone, I communicated my thoughts to her: waving what amorous discourse past on my side, I would have fallen roundly to the matter; but she understanding my intent, cry’d out; whereupon I desisted, seeing it was to little purpose if I proceeded. Sitting down by her, she exprest an absolute hatred to me for my incivility, and vow’d she would neither see nor endure me more. The vehemence of her utterance and countenance fully declared she was in earnest; so that I saw ’twas time to be gone. Looking about (unperceived by her) I took up half a sheet of paper of her writing, and clapt it into my pocket; and so took my leave. Coming home, I found my love converted into hatred, and therefore vowed my revenge: and thus it was. I understood from her whereabout, her husband liv’d, and what his Christian name was, with something of her concerns; that her husbands mother could not endure her, (because her son married her without a portion, though a wise, discreet, vertuous, and handsome woman) and whereabout he liv’d, with name, _&c._ I counterfeited a Letter, as from this vertuous Gentlewoman, to a Gallant of hers, taxing him with want of love, and that if he proved not more constant, she had no more to say to him, _&c._ The contents you shall have in the Letter it self, as followeth.

Most beloved by me of men!