Chapter XIII: Part 13

The next day I rode towards _London_, and about twylight took up my quarters in the Suburbs the day following, I sent for a friend whom I could put confidence in, who came immediately upon the reception of my Letter. I communicated to him my intentions, who was very glad to hear of my resolution; yet I would not acquaint him how strong I was, nor by what means procured: ’twas enough that I gave him commission how far forth he should proceed, and no farther, which was half a Crown _per_ pound. He went (after I had given him a list of them all) to every one particularly, and treated with them so cunningly, and they despairing of ever recovering a farthing, condescended to his proposals; whereupon he gets them all to subscribe, and then brings the Paper to me, which I exceedingly well liked of. According to the day appointed, he carried them the Money, which every one received proportionably, each man respectively giving me his general release from the beginning of the world: they to whom I had confest Judgements, filed according to Law their discharges. But when my Creditors a little while afterward, saw me walk the streets in so splendid a garb, some of them were ready to die with anguish: but that which troubled them most, was my supercilious looks when I met any of them, and my slighting salutations. What I did in this respect, was only to have the freedome of walking the streets, without the molestation of chargeable arrests. I kept such beboist company, that the remaining part of my money grew low, and in a very short time after, was all spent. All my drunken Companions failed me, and I having nothing left me but my cloaths, necessity made me to condescend to the enquiry after the kind-natured Gentlewoman my Wife: her nearest relations could not give me any account of her, giving her over for lost. I wandred up and down, imploying all the powers of my wit and invention, in the search of what might conduce to supply my present necessities. While I was thus hammering out some new design on the Anvil of experience, I bethought my self where probably I might find my Wife: First, I went to _Ratcliff_ high-way, and made enquiry of _Dammaris_, &c. the Metropolitan Bawd of those parts, for a Gentlewoman of such a complexion, stature, and age, (’twas but a folly to mention her name, for those that follow that trade change their names as often as they do their places of abode) but that cart-load of flesh could give me no information, neither was it possible for me to have staid to hear it, she so stunk of Strong-waters, stronger then that Cask that never contained any thing else; I went down all along to the Cross, in my way I saw many Whores standing at their doors, giving me invitation; but being poor, they could not afford the charge of _Fucus_, so that their faces lookt much like a piece of rumbled Parchment, and by their continual traffick with Seamens Breeches, I could not come near them, they smelt so strongly of Tarpawlin and stinking Cod; yet still no tidings of her I sought for. From hence I went to _Fleet-yard_, but there they were so dawbed or plaistered with paint, & botcht with patches, that had I seen her there, it was impossible for me to have known her. Away I went to _Luteners-lane_, _Sodom_, and _Dog_ and _Bitch-yard_; but the Pox, it seemed, had not yet fitted her for those places. From hence I went to _Whetstons-Park_, where I saw my Mad-dame standing at the door: her frequent trading, and those many shots she had received between wind and water in the service, had so altered her countenance, and disproportioned her body, that I knew not whether this Frigate was English or Flemish built: but at last, hailing whence she was, I boarded her, and made her lawful prize: mistake me not, I rummag’d not in her Hold, fearing she was a Fire-ship. The sight and knowledge of me, made her shed some Babylonish tears, which I took little notice of, knowing them to be either customary to that Sex, or the effects of a moist brain. In we went together, where we had, according to the custom of the house, Pint-black-pots of small Ale for two pence, and quarterns of Strong-water half fill’d for six pence, with Biskets; which as soon as brought, every one broken, though not a bit afterwards eaten. We must be smoaking too, though the Pipe must be thrown down carelesly, and often broken as soon as put to the lips: one of the Plyers being gone down to draw some more drink, she begged me to conceal my self for the present, and comply also with the cheating customs of the house, and she would willingly pay all. I had hardly smoakt two whiffs more, but that a fellow came where we were, swearing _dam-me_, why do you stay with this fellow, and leave me thus, you unconstant Quean? have I spent my estate on you, and must you now grow weary of me? and with that drew his knife, making a proffer to cut her nose off. I was so amazed at what I heard, and so irritated by passion, that I knew not which of them to be revenged on first. Sir, said I, I have been longer acquainted with her then you, and may justly claim a better title and more priviledge; but as you have affronted me, so I shall require satisfaction instantly, not referring our difference to be decided by the field, an Umpire that Cowards frequently make choice of: so drawing my knife also, and seizing on his nose, which I intended to have divorc’d from his face, I was prevented, for it dropt off into my hand. This accident so astonisht me, and withal being much affrighted at the sight of his Deaths-head, I durst not meddle with him any further, lest handling any Member, it would have dropt off in the same manner: he made a blow at me, but instead of striking me, I expected when his fist would have flown from his body into my face: he kickt at me, but that leg being up, the other was incapable of supporting his body, and so he fell down. The old Bawd hearing this disturbance, ran to us as fast as the vast bulk of her body would give her leave, whose pace was not much swifter then a snail in his full career, who having fasted too long, by the constant repercussion of the Sun-beams on him in a misling morning, forrageth a garden for pillage. From the place whence she started, to that where we scuffled, was about six yards distance; and from the time of her setting forward, to the time she came to us (not to belye the woman) was about half an hour, and then too, out of breath, for the haste she made. Sirrah, sirrah, said she, come you hither to breed quarrels, and abuse civil Gentlemen, and it may be build a sconce too? get you out of my house, you Rascal, or I’ll scald you out. By this time the Pimp came to their assistance, and so they all conjoyned to shove this poor fellow out of doors: and notwithstanding he had for two or three years frequented the house, yet they neither pittied nor relieved him as a maimed souldier, the marks whereof were a sufficient testimony, besides the loss of a Member or two. Having discharged my reckoning, my Wife appointed me a place where I should meet her. Having now conveniency and privacy of discourse, we wav’d every thing that tended not to my present design, which was the contrivance of some way to live. At last we resolved to take an house and live together; I thought it was as good to be Pimp to my own Wife, by which means the major part of the gain would be mine, as Pimp to another for 12 pence a day and spunging. What we had determined, we soon put in execution: what money she had was laid out in utensils belonging to our Trade, as for bedding, linnen, chairs and stools, &c. The Tally-man or Broker, who sells his goods to be paid by 12 _d._ a pound _per_ week: the truth of it is, we found of him, but more especially his servants, excellent customers; for they would for a private favour, cut off a score, sometimes two or three from the Tally. Our stock being but small, my Wife was forced to be both Bawd and Whore; but our trade increasing, she goes frequently to the Carriers, where at last she had pickt up a couple of very well-featured Country-girls, and brings them home, entertaining them as servants; but shewing as much kindness to them, as if they had been our nearest kindred, purposely to induce them to stay: The Whore, my Wife, intended to have sold their Maiden-heads at a dear rate; but in truth, I ever lov’d such things too well to put them to sale, having them in my possession. To be sure thereof, I gathered my Rose-buds the first night, lest the infectious and contagious breath of some one _Suburbicarian_ should blast them: in four days time afterwards, I fitted them for their occupations, leaving the instructive part thereof to my Wife to season them withal. I never saw two young Jades understand their trade sooner in my life; for in a Months time they could Cant indifferently, Wheedle most cunningly, Lye confoundedly, Swear desperately, pick a Pocket dexterously, Dissemble undiscernably, drink and smoak everlastingly, Whore insatiately, and brazen out all their actions impudently. Now did I begin to renew my acquaintance with the Tribe of Rogues, with whom I grew so intimate, that I was seldom out of their company, either at home or abroad. To relate all the tricks & rogueries we committed in one half year, were an half years work: therefore to be short, we were grown so notorious, and so generally taken notice of, that at last my Wife, and her two Maids of dishonour, were apprehended by the Marshals men, and carried to _Bridewel_; I my self narrowly escaping by flight: The next day I boldly went to visit them; methought their beating of hemp became them excellent well; and in troth I’ll say this for them, there hath not been seen in that place a more serviceable strong-dockt Crew for many years. Looking very earnestly upon that Hemp my Wife was beating, a deep fit of Melancholy seized me, proceeding only from my imagination; for I fancied that very Hemp would make that very Rope which should put a period to my life. The time of my visiting them, fell out on the day of their correction; understanding so much, I resolved to stay and see them well lasht, I hop’d: My Wife being manacled, and the whip ready to encircle her Waste; Hold, said I, and then directing my self to the Masters of _Bridewell_; May it please your Worships, this woman now under correction, is the most impudent brazen-fac’d Whore in the whole Town; I have known her a long time, ever since, and some small time before she undid her Husband, a very honest man indeed, and had the good report of all his Neighbours; but this confident Slut could not then be content without her Stallion, whom she maintained by what she purloin’d from her Husband, and so utterly ruined him: since she hath been the destruction of several, some in their estates, others in their bodily health, and now so far from being penitent, that she glories in nothing more, then in the relation of how many she hath undone here and hereafter: wherefore I beseech your Worships, for my friend’s sake, that good honest man, and for the good of her own soul, add one half-dozen stripes to the number intended, and let them be laid home. I had no sooner ended my speech, but I vanisht immediately. Just as I was out of the gate, I met with two of my roguing friends, whom the Devil had sent, I think, to way-lay me: they were going, it seems, to see some of their Doxies, that had that day been committed. Being over-joy’d to meet me so accidentally, they would needs have me go to the Tavern with them: over a glass of wine we consulted about divers matters, no goodness to be sure; the result whereof was, that I should go to such an house, and try if by any means I could get into it unperceived, and abscond my self in order to my opening the door for them about twelve a clock. According to the time nominated I went, and with much facility conveyed my self into a lower room, wherein there was a bed, under which I crept, being confident I might lie there securely, till all the houshold were retired to take their rest. After I had lain about some two hours on the ground, there came into this room a servant; I peept out, and by the light of his candle, saw that which I thought would have distracted me with fear; it was the laying the cloth, by which I understood, the Master of the house intended to sup there: suddenly after, meat was brought in and served to the Table; then came five or six persons, who passing divers complements (all which needless ceremonies at that time, I wisht with their inventers were stark naked upon the top of the Snowy Alps) every one took seats. Had not there been at that time some small pratling children running up and down, and making a noise, the affright their appearance had put me in, would have betrayed me; for my knees knockt so hard one against the other, that they made a noise like a Mill-clack, or the striking of two marrow-bones together: for my life I could not prevent the Palsie from seizing every limb of me. My cruel fates had so ordered it, that there was a small Dog in the room, and a Cat, both dearly beloved by their Mistress; who would be continually flinging down something or other, which they continually quarrelled about, as jealous and envious upon the distribution of their Mistress favours: at length she threw down a small bit; the Cat being somewhat a more nimble servitor, and diligent waiter than the Dog, took it, & ran with it underneath the Bed; the Dog ran after the Cat snarling, endeavouring to affright her, that she might forsake the purchase: The Dog approaching near, and too much intrenching upon her right, she puts him in mind of his duty, by one scratch with her Claw, and chastiseth him for his rashness with two or three more: this so angred him, that he made a furious assault upon Puss, who defended her self as well as she could; but at length they closed, and grappling each other, they made a most hideous noise. The spot in which they fought this combat, was underneath the bed upon my buttocks: The servant that attended being over-hasty to quell the noise, by parting the fray, snatched up the fire-shovel, and throws it underneath the bed; had it hit my nose with the edge, as it did my breech with the handle, I should have had it pared off even with my face. The Cat instantly provides for her safety by flight, but the Dog still remained behind grumbling, and now and then barking with such eagerness, that he became very offensive to the whole company. Wherefore the servant was commanded to drag him forth, which he did, beating him, and throwing him out of doors: in the mean time I was left in such a condition, as if I had been breathing my last. As soon as the door was open’d, the Dog came in underneath the bed with more fury than before: this second alarm did my business (or as they vulgarly say, made me do my business) for running fiercely on me, he had bit me by the nose, but that I snatcht away my head from him: but not observing the bed-post behind, I thought I had dashed my brains out against it; fear also having bereft me of my retentive faculty, I did let flie at one and the same time, which made so strange a noise together, that they all rose from the table to see what was the matter: their noses quickly informed them of some part, for the room was presently strongly scented; looking underneath the bed, they could see poor _Jain Perus_ giving up the Ghost (as dying persons usually evacuate their ordure before their departure) they pulling me forth, and quickly revived me, they roughly handled me, and then beat me, till I was ene dead again. Being taken in the present offence, I could expect no other but to be subject to the rigour of their vengeance; I could make no plea sufficient to stay their fury, or satisfie their revenge; having fetcht a Constable, I was carried before a Justice of Peace, who with little examination caused my _Mittimus_ to be drawn, and so I was sent to _Newgate_. I was no sooner within, and under lock and key, but fetters confined my legs from stragling, and bracelets were clapt upon my arms. The Rogues came all flocking about me for their Garnish, which I gave them: some of the gentiler sort added more to it, so that we had abundance of drink. But never did I hear so confused a din of _Dam-me_ and _Sink-me_: others singing so loud (_alias_ roaring) that I thought my self in _Hell_, and that these were damned souls that roared through extremity of torments. I thought none had been so wicked as my self, till I came among these _Hell-hounds_. Not a word come from any of their mouths, but what was seconded with an Oath, cursing their bad Stars, and Blaspheming. The Misery of this, or any other prison is sufficiently represented, if by nothing else than want of liberty, that rich inheritance of living souls: as it is the greatest of injoyments, next that imperial Gem of health, so the want thereof next to sickness must needs be of all other the most bitter. Since then to be confined to the confines of a Gaol, is to be in part unman’d, entomb’d alive, what and how great is that wretchedness that is occasioned not only by a want of liberty, but by a continual dread of shameful death! The terror of this place full of torture is so exasperated by the imagination of a noble mind, that Hell it self cannot contain more exquisite woes and pains, a continuance whereof were sufficient to punish all offences, if the Law dispenced with that debt due to Justice, the life of the offender. Your companions are none but licentious wretches, souls which daily surround you with their loathsome persons overspread with scabs and lice. Here sighing is our air, our comfort coldness, our food despair, our musick ratling of chains, our recreation the destruction of vermin; lastly, our expectation death and damnation. The keeper with the grim aspect of his stern countenance makes us tremble, with fear of a new martyrdom, whilst the insulting raskal on the tip-toes of his pride need not skrew his ill-favoured face to a frown, for he knows not how to look otherwise; which so dejects the spirits of we poor imprisoned slaves, that the contrition of our looks seems to implore his smiles, whose flinty heart having renounced remorse, casts a defiance in our sad and pitious faces. I might insist much further, but that I am hastning to get out of the miserable and soul-excruciating prison. One day after I had exonerated nature, I chanc’d to view the seat, and found that it was no difficult matter to go down the vault by the help of a Rope. A trusty friend coming to see me, I told him what I had observed, and what I wanted: some three days before the Sessions, he brought me Rope enough to have hanged us all. Having a respect unto two more, which I honoured for their admirable good parts, I informed them of what I intended; which presently we put in execution. First I went down, but I could have wished my self up again; for I was up to the neck, and knew not but I might be deeper, but to my great comfort I found to the contrary; the rest descended after me, with the like good success. Having gotten us to an house, in which we could put confidence, we quickly freed our selves from our Iron tackle.

CHAP. LVI.

_He and his two Comrades (which he had delivered) disguise
themselves, and having been old experienced Gamesters,
they taught him all the tricks on Cards, by which they
usually cheated their Cullies or Mouths; and also how to
nap, palm, or Top a Dye; With all things thereunto
belonging._

We had places enough to send to for change of apparel, as rich as we pleased, or as beggerly again on the contrary, according as our design required. Having layen in _Lavender_ about a fortnight in this house, not only to sweeten us, but that the rumour of our escape, and search for us might be over, we got our selves change of habits: Then did we all consult with our Looking-glasses for the change of our faces, not suffering our own judgements to pass, without the approbation of the rest. In the first place I got me a coal-black Perriwig (my own hair being flaxen) and a small false beard suitable, with whiskers in the _Spanish_ fashion; It was no great trouble to black my eye-brows every morning; then clapping a patch on my left eye, stealing out of the room, while my Companions were busied about the same thing, not minding me, and coming in again presently, my appearance did put them all into a very strange confusion. I changed my voice, and asked them what they were doing; and speaking to them in a tone they were not acquainted with, their chops mov’d incessantly, but the Devil a word I could understand; they had got a palsie in their jaws by their sudden surprizal; To have observed the several Monkey-faces, and Baboon-postures, could not but extract laughter from the severest Cynick. Why don’t you answer me, and that quickly, ye sneaking dumb Rascals? Looking most piteously one upon the other, expecting who should speak first, at last said one, We mean no harm, we are only preparing some things for a Mask, which shortly will be presented to the Citizens, and we are persons therein concerned. I could not hold longer, but burst forth into an excessive laughter, by which they understood their mistake, not without shame enough, to think that the apprehension of danger so slightly grounded, should so terrifie them, being struck dumb, and almost dead with a pannick fear. To be brief, we very well liked the manner of our Metamorphosis; and having borrowed some money as the necessary tools of our intended Trade, we adventured abroad. The first mouth we pickt up was in the _Long-walk_ by _Christ-Church_, upon the account of a wager: there came towards us a young man, who by his garb seemed to be a Merchants man, (he afterwards proved so, and his Casheer) I stept to him and said, Sir, if it may not be too troublesome to you, I beseech you resolve me one question: This Gentleman hath laid an Angel with me, and referr’d the decision thereof to the next that came this way, whether this next adjacent Hospital be S. _Thomas_’s, or S. _Bartholomew_’s. Said the young man, I can assure you it is S. _Bartholomews_. Why then friend (said I) you have lost. Sir, will you be pleased (if it may not be any great hindrance to your present affairs) accompany us to the next Tavern, and participate of the losings? for I scorn to pocket it. He condescended, and so we went together; we discovered not any thing till the sixth pint, and then my friend, as by chance, found a pair of Cards in a corner of the window, which he himself had layed there before. Here is a pair of Cards (said he) come, to pass away the time, let us play for a pint or so; so I really took up my friend: _Putt_ was the game; I won of him two or three pints, and ever and anon I would drink to the stranger, so that now he began to be warm’d, and seemed to take delight in our play, looking over my hand, and sometimes prompting me to see him when he did _putt_ to me. At last my friend played the High Game, as the term of Art renders it; that is, he gave me two Trays and an Ace, and reserved for himself two Trays and a Duce. My Antagonist puts to me: I pretended I knew not what to do, shewed my game to the stranger that looked over my shoulder: he jogs me on the Elbow; I still delayed; come Sir (said my opponent) what will you do? I will hold you five pound on these very cards in my hand. I receiv’d the second jog; will you go my halfs Sir, said I? He answered me, that he would. But alas, we lost: it could be no otherwise. This so animated the stranger, that he perswaded me to play again, and that he would go the moyety of every stake. Sometimes ’twas so ordered that I won; but in fine I lost forty pound, my Cully being half. He would now give over, being much perplex’d that he should thus lose his Masters mony; but that he might forget the condition he was in, we drank round some half a dozen healths: So that now I thought it high time to provoke him again to let down his milk by some new trick or stratagem.

Now did we fall to the _Preaching of the Parson_, a trick on the Cards, which hath deceived the most curious eye, and the wariest of men; with which we gained from our young Merchant, the major part of his money.

Lastly, to the intent we might without any further delays give him an acquittance for the rest of his money, we drew out some other implements, _viz._ Dice fixt for our purpose, as _High-fullums_, which seldom run any other chance then four, five, and six; _Low-fullums_, which run one, two, and three, &c.

By these means we sent him home penniless and heartless, whilst we drank healths to the confusion of sorrow.

CHAP. LVII.

_From hence he goes, by the direction of his comrades, to a
new fashion _Bawdy-house_; he describes it, and relates
his own success._

Upon the division we found each mans share to amount to 40 _l._ a piece. Being overjoy’d at our first good success, we resolv’d to return thanks for our good fortunes in some private Meeting-house, where we might have a Sister to assist in the carrying on the work of the day. The Devil in all Societies never wants his Factor, or one to sollicit his business: For, I had no sooner intimated my desires, but presently one of my Rope-brokers gave me information of a place fit for that purpose, and that the like was not any where to be found. Being prickt on with the desire of novelty, and to understand the curiosities therein, I went according to my directions solely; for company in such designs commonly frustrates expectations. They advised me when I came to the door, to pretend I came to enquire out lodgings: At the first, I verily thought my self abused by these Rogues, or mistaken in the house, when I saw a Porter standing at the door with his tipt-staff: To undeceive my self, I confidently, yet civilly askt him, whether there were any Lodgings to be let there? Yes Sir, (said he) which you may view if you will give your self the trouble of walking in. I had no sooner entred the door, but I was met by a grave Matron, who readily understood (as I conceived) my approach, by her sentinels above in the windows. Madam (said I) I am informed, that here are lodgings to be let. There is so, Sir, (said she) and with that conducted me into her Parlor (which was gallantly furnished) there to take a stricter view of me, as to my person, but more especially my garb, by which she might partly judge how well lined my pockets were. After the resolution of some trivial questions, for discourse sake, she was so well satisfied in me, that she shewed me the way up one pair of stairs, into a very large and fair Dining-room hung with rich Tapistry, and adorned round with excellent Pictures, the Effigies of divers Ladies (as I took them to be) renowned and celebrated in all ages, for the fairest and most beautiful of that Sex. A servant brought us up immediately after our entry into that room, a bottle of Sack, without any order given, as I could perceive; out of which the old Gentlewoman drank to me, expressing my welcome. For want of other discourse (as I thought) because we were both silent a while, for I was contemplating her face, in which I could then see still the goodly ruines of a beautiful and handsome countenance; Sir, said she, as you are a Gentleman, you may have some knowledge in that noble Art of Limning, since for its excellency it is in these our days (and hath been in most ages) much studied by the Gentry of this Nation; wherefore, your judgement, Sir, which of all these Pictures is the best drawn, or according to the rules of Physiognomy, hath the best features? Madam, said I, I shall freely give you my judgement; which is, This, in my opinion (pointing at one) for she hath a full large front, her archt eye-brows are thick and black, without any stragling hairs; her eyes are of the same colour, and by their intuitive faculty seem to penetrate that which they look on; passing her cheeks, which carry in them an excellent air, and her nose, which is neither too long nor too short, view her lips, whose plumpness and redness resemble a double Cherry; and then for the dimples in her cheeks and chin, I could make them the subject of an whole days discourse: what might be said more of this representation, I shall wave, wishing my self no greater happiness, then to discourse the rest with the real substance; which is not impossible, Sir, if you can have but the faith to believe your own eyes; and so instantly thereupon withdrew her self, leaving me amazed at what I had already seen, my heart the mean time beating an alarm to my passions, to be all in readiness at the approach of this Celestial Creature. Hearing a ruffling of Silks, I drew my eyes off the Picture, and looking towards the door, there I saw enter an Angel; for I could not believe there could be so much perfection in any one mortal: with profound reverence I stood at a distance, admiring, or rather adoring her person, till she smilingly and familiarly desired me to sit down. Being come to my self, I could talk to her; and in half an hour, confidence had repossest her ancient seat in me. It will not only take up too much time, but also offend the ears of the modest Reader, here to insert what discourses we had; therefore I shall wave them, and come to the conclusion. Sir, said she, I question not but that you are acquainted with the customs of the House. I protested to her, I was altogether ignorant. Why, you know that you may call for what Wine you please, not exceeding four Bottles; and if you please to eat, you shall have some choice bit suitable to the season, &c., if you stay not all night, your expence shall be but forty shillings, and you shall have to boot, the enjoyment of a Mistress besides: but if you stay all night, then thus must you do (and with that drew forth ten pieces of Gold) whether you fancy me or any else, that matters not, you must deposit before you go to bed ten pound, laying it underneath your own head, and for every kiss, &c., take a piece back again, and if you draw in this manner all your own stake, you may next day be dismist with a great deal of applause, without expending a penny, but what you shall be pleased to distribute voluntarily among the servants. I was stark mad to be at it, and so impatient, that I presently told out ten pieces. Telling my money the next morning, I found I had eight pound of my ten, but I deserved to have had my money trebled: however, for the present, I thought forty shillings was never better spent, nor husbanded with so much recreation and delight. By her I understood what manner of cattel they were that frequented that house, though prostitutes and free-booters, yet such as scorned a piece of Country-dirt: some whereof, were persons of no mean quality, which came thither to satisfie (what was impossible to do) their insatiate lusts, and therefore enacted that Law or Custom of depositing ten pieces, meerly to incite such who were confident of themselves to make trial of their skill for the lucre of gain; and to the intent that it might not be discovered, either by their Husbands, or such relations or friends that had received causes of jealousie, they had their peeping-holes, where they might plainly and fully see such who came upon the like accounts. If the Gentleman was unknown to that Gentlewoman whose Picture he elected to bear him company that night, she with much freedom would appear, and tender her self as the subject of his pleasure; otherwise abscond her self. If so, and the Gentleman press hard for a sight of her the Picture represented, why then Madam Bawd finds some excuse or other, as that Picture she bought casually at second-hand as she past through _Long-lane_, or that it was the gift of some friend of hers; with many other fictions, meerly to make him desist from the pursuance of his desires. Being very much pleased in the satisfaction of my fancy, I took my leave, not without some acknowledgement thereof, in these consequent lines.

_What is a _Bawdy-house_? I fain would know:
It is a thing appears so by the show.
Is that a _Brothel_, or an house of State,
Where Tip-staff Porters do attend the gate?
Then there are many noble ones I see,
And Palaces may Courts of Bawa’ry be:
This was a stately house, and yet was such;
In stately houses Ladies take a touch.
It must be so, th’ have little else to do,
Then study how to answer those that woo.
Such pamper’d flesh must yield, and few gain-says
Their own lusts motions, but with formal nays;
Rather then want that satisfaction, most
Stick not to purchase it, though at the cost
Of health and wealth; delighting thus in sence,
They never think too much the recompence.
Why should they then fond souls rail at an Whore,
Since they themselves are on that very score?
And damn all _Brothels_ too to Hell; but stay
What house is not a _Brothel-house_ I pray?
Many I’ve seen, with this none can compare;
A new Exchange where Ladies sell their Ware
To none; they scorn thereon to set a price,
But leave it solely to the Chapman’s choice:
No Sale-shop, but a Game at _In_ and _In_;
Throw _In_ and _In_ but ten times, and you win.
Here by a female Council ’twas judg’d fit,
He that reaps pleasure here, must pay for it;
Not with his purse, so much as brawny back,
Solely affecting such who hold them tack:
And to provoke men on, no want of wine;
Nay, all delights do here in one combine
To raise mens fancy, that he may do o’re
That thing he did but even then before.
Her rosie dimpled cheeks, vermilion lips,
Did blush to see her ivory thighs and hips:
Her round soft belly swelled with pride below
Like a small Hill ’twas overspread with snow:
Let a warm hand but touch it, and it will
Its moisture into pearly drops distill;
We kist and parted, I sigh’d, she did sob;
She for her lusty _Lad_, I for my _Mob_._

CHAP. LVIII.

_He finds out his two Comerades (the _Gamesters_) and after
some consultation had, they resolved to re-assume their
_quondam_ trade of _Padding_; are taken, and committed
to _Newgate_._

From this house of pleasure, (where I must ingenuously confess I never received more for so little expence) I went in search of my two Gamesters, whom casually I met: The next Tavern was our Council-chamber, where Wine was the dictator. We there unanimously concluded, it was a thing beneath us to pick up here and there Crowns or Angels but resolved on Have at all, knowing that a five hours adventure might make us possessors of 500 _l._ With this resolution we went and bought us horses, with all things requisite for our intended expedition: being all ready and well prepared, we took our leaves of _London_ for a while; we had not rid above fifteen miles, but we baited: the Hostler knowing me, and what designs I had formerly been upon, and imagining I was steering the same course, whispered me in the ear, that he had a desire to speak with me instantly: taking my opportunity, under the pretence of looking to my horse, he informed me, that there were three within drinking, that on the next morning would travel such a Road, and that they had a great charge with them. I thankt him, bidding him come to my chamber at night, where I would discourse farther with him. Then he gave me a summary account of all; and after a smart drinking bout, with promises to him of reward if we prospered, we betook our selves to our rest: in the morning very early we called for our horses, and rid in that very Road through which those three Travellers were to pass, where we planted our selves very conveniently: about three hours after, we could discern them at a distance: by that time we had made our selves ready, they were at hand: just at the bottom of a small hill we bid them stand; they askt us to what intent: We told them, that we were younger Brothers, and wanted mony, and therefore must borrow some of them. With that, they all in an instant drew their swords; being not unprovided with Pocket-pistols, we fired at them, and they again at us: we were all at level-coyl, and very equally matcht; the second shot killed my horse, and a fourth bereaved my Consort of life; the third Rogue ran away: being in a labyrinth of perplexity, I thought it the best way to sell my life at as dear a rate as I could (knowing very well that if I were taken I should be hanged.) I fought with my sword as long as I could stand upon my legs, wounding both them and their horses; but at last one unhappily ran me through the sword-hand, and thereupon I was disarmed. I was carried by them before the next Justice of Peace, whom they enquired out, and by a _Mittimus_ was committed. I could not now expect any thing but death: but the next news I heard was, that I must be removed to _Newgate_, there being other things to be alleadged to my charge. I was mounted again, in order to my removal, but very ill hors’d, being bound thereunto and pinnion’d, my greatest grief (when I came into _London_-streets) was to hear the various discants of the good women on me; some saying, What a pity it is such an handsome young man should come to the gallows so soon? Others judged I had deserved it, otherwise I should not have rid to Town in that posture pinnion’d, and so attended with a guard. As soon as the keeper saw me, leaping for joy, O Sir, are you come again? we will take care that you shall not be any more annoyed with smells proceeding from the Vault; and so without more ado, laid as much iron on me, as there is in some Smiths shops, and confined me close Prisoner to the Dungeon.

_Which made me curse those acts the Fates have done,
To cause a setting ere a rising Sun:
But since my doom is now decreed by Fate,
I must indur’t, repentance is too late._

CHAP. LIX.

_He much condemns the follies of his past actions, and in
token of his unfeigned repentance, gives some general
instructions to his Country-men, first how to know
Padders on the _Road_, by infallible signs; with other
remarques worthy the observation of any Traveller, laid
down in some consequent Chapters._

Being in this terrestrial Hell, (where darkness, horror and despair surrounded me) my conscience started out of her dead sleep, and presently demanded of me a severe account of what I had done. My guilt was such, I had not a word to speak for my self, but wished my production (as my actions were) inhumane. What did not then the apprehension of an approaching and unavoidable death, suggest to my thoughts! to have only dyed (though with the most exquisite, terrifying, and soul-excruciating tortures) was not a thing the spirit of man should shrink at; but the consideration of an eternal punishment hereafter, justly inflicted on such who have offended an infinite God, absolutely distracted me: So that methought I already heard the howls and hollow grones of damned Souls, which add to the weight of their everlasting misery. Having somewhat appeased my enraged conscience, by a faithful promise and constant resolution to lead a new life, if I should escape the danger of the Law, I determined with my self, to shew the first Fruits of my reformation, by publishing something to the world, that might serve as a guide for Travellers, how they might passe in safety on their way. To that purpose I acquainted my Keeper with my good intentions; but that being no particular profit to him, he valued not the publick, and therefore rejected my good motion, till I greas’d his fist, and then I had the accommodation of a Candle, Pen, Ink and Paper, _&c._ The uncertainty of their attire, various disguises, non-constancy of residence, and changeable names, makes me incapable to do what I would: Therefore I will do what I can (according to my small experience, occasioned by my no long continuance among them.) Riding on the Road (if you have company) it may be two or three shall overtake you, and seem to be much afraid of you: they will pretend to be even now set upon by half a dozen stout fellows, but that they did beat the Rogues, forcing them to fly for safety: and this fiction they use to seal with basket-hilt-oaths: thus by your answers they will find whether you dare fight; if not, they will wait an opportunity to act their roguery on you; which having done, as a reward for what unwillingly you have left them, they will pretend to give you a word shall protect you better than your sword, from any injury shall be done you upon the like account: but this is nothing else than a meer cheat, and no securing charm; for we valued not words, when our wants were in pursuit of Monies. Not but that we used some formal words among our selves, when ready to seize a prize; and observing other company, either before or behind, to desist a while, by which we knew what we had to do, and the ignorant Travellers suspected no wrong.

CHAP. LX.

_What is to be taken heed unto, before the Traveller begin
his Journey._

Most respected Country-men, and more especially you, who frequently pass the Road, the most part of my notorious wicked life having been consumed in all manner of cheats and debauchery, and that in part of late maintained by robbing: seeing now the wretchedness of that course of life, and being sensible of the injury I have done my Country, I looked upon my self as bound to satisfie the debt I owe to you, to the uttermost of my power; which reacheth to an act not more satisfactory, than good advice how to avoid those dangers which too many of late days have fallen into, since Dammee Plumes of Feathers came in fashion. First then, if you carry a charge about you, make it not known to any, and conceal the time of your departure in your own breast; for it is a custom no less common than indiscreet and foolish, among some sort of persons, to blaze abroad among their reputed friends, the time of their intended journey, and vaingloriously make them acquainted with what considerable summs they should carry with them; by which means the Son hath oftentimes betrayed the Father, and one friend another, by informing or complotting with some of the Padding society; the discoverer sharing (for giving notice of the prize) one quarter or more of the gain he betrays, when but for this foolish humour they had not been way-lay’d. Again, have a special care, both of the Hostler, Chamberlain and Host himself: the two first the Thief is sure to bribe; and the last, in expectation of a share with them (as it is so ordered) or in hopes that the major part of what they get shall be profusely spent in his house, gives them items where the booty lies. Especially be sure on the road to associate with none but such as you find inclined rather to leave your company then keep it; for they are very suspicious persons, and oftentimes prove dangerous, that press into your society, and are very inquisitive to know whither you intend, spinning out the time with many impertinent questions. But if you would know whether the strangers intentions be honestly inclined, take occasion to make some stay: observe you in the mean time their motion: for if they make an halt, or alight, so that you may overtake them, follow at a distance; but if their pace be so slow that you needs must overtake them, look about you, and provide for your safety; for there is no surer symptom of an Highway-man than such purposed delays. The other usual marks of such Moths be these; they commonly throw a great Leaguer-cloak over their shoulders, covering their faces, or else they have visibly disguised their faces in some manner or other. Now of late they find very useful a Vizard, in every respect, (but for the largeness) like the _a-la-mode_ Vizard-masks so much worn by Gentlewomen, who endeavour to conceal the shame of their wanton actions by absconding their faces. If you meet with any who have none of these things, as soon as they come somewhat near you, fix your eye full in their face: if they turn their heads from you, keep your distance, and ride from them with what expedition you can; but being surprized by any you know, be very careful that you discover it not to them; for these Desperado’s never think themselves secure, till they have prevented your giving intelligence, by cutting asunder the thread of your life. Observe whether their beards and hair of their head agree in a colour, and are not counterfeit; and be sure to beware of him that rides in a Mountier-cap, and of such as whisper oft; or of any one single person that intrudes into your company; for that is one way they have to ensnare the Traveller: he will tell you a great many merry and facetious Stories, meerly to ingratiate himself with you; which having obtained, he shews himself more than ordinary civil, and so fearful of anything that may prejudice his new acquaintance, that he no sooner espies two riding toward them, but he apparently trembles, and will presently question his new friends, what charge they have about them: if little, the best way were to yield to these approaching persons, if Thieves, rather than hazard a life; but if it be any thing considerable, he will presently vow to be true to them, and rather than they should come to any danger or loss, he will fight with them as long as he hath breath. These so causlesly suspected, were perhaps down-right honest fellows: but before they have travelled five miles further, ’tis ten to one but they overtake two or three more, one it may be riding aside with twists of Hay instead of Boots, it may be with a Fork, Bill, or Goad in his hand, like a Country-Boor. It may be your newly-entertained treacherous Friend will tell you that he will make good sport with this Country-Bumpkin, and so to that purpose ask him some foolish impertinent question, which the other shall answer as ridiculously; so spinning out the time till a convenient place and a fit opportunity serve; then shall this pretended friend seize one of you himself, and my Hedge-creeper turn Hector, and lay hold on another: and now will it be in vain for you to strive, for nothing but money will ransome you out of their hands.

CHAP. LXI.

_Instructions in what manner, at what time, and what Road is
most safe to ride._

There are so many ways to rob the innocent, that it behoveth every man to be very circumspect, how, when, and where he rides. If you have a quantity of money about you, chuse rather to ride by night then day; for by this means you are freed from any Horseman or Cutter whatever. But this course cannot seal your protection from base sheep-stealing penny-Rogues, the baseness and lowness of whose spirits will stoop for a Noble, though they hang for their pains; therefore take heed of their long poles, and that they do not suddenly start out and lay hold on your bridle. As for the nobler sort of Rogues, this they believe as an undeniable Maxime, that none will ride by night that are worth the robbing. Besides, they are oblig’d to take their Inn betimes, lest through mistrust they should be apprehended: Moreover, they hardly dare adventure in the dark, because they cannot discern what dangerous defences the assailed have, as Pistols, or other private weapons in readiness, nor see their own advantages: and withall, it will be no difficult matter to convey in the obscurity of the night, what they have undiscovered, into some ditch. Chuse to travel in byroads, for it is a general rule with High-way-men to keep their station on the greatest Roads, that of the number that pass by, they may select such as they think will prove the richest booties. Here now as a Corollary, take notice of a foolish custom: Some when they ride by any place that commonly speaks danger, they will bustle up together side by side; which is the usual overthrow of such. Wherefore take my counsel here, when ere you ride, in fear especially, ride far asunder, at least a stones throw: by so doing none durst set upon you, fearing lest this stragling order give some leave to escape undoubtedly, and so raise the Country in their pursuit.

CHAP. LXII.

_How a man is to behave himself if beset or surprised._