Chapter VIII: Part 8

Love ’tis confest is a Natural distemper, a kind of small Pox; most have either had it, or is to expect it, and the sooner the better. Surely I was never well cur’d on’t, or else I had not thus fallen in a Relaps. Want of knowledge misguided me at first, and so I fell into a _Quagmire_; but I knew not what possest me to ride afterward into another on purpose. Love-seeds when it grows up to Matrimony is good for nothing, like some Fruit-trees which must be transplanted before they will bring forth any thing. And when Love in this nature doth seed, the encrease thereof is dissatisfaction, sorrow and vexation multiplied. This afore-mentioned is not truly love but lust; for I cannot believe that that noble passion can be the ruine of its subject; neither would I have it disparaged by so unworthy an object as a woman. If there be Love, it should be to Heaven, a male-friend, relations, or our Countries preservation, and not to a Female-piece of imperfection. And yet nothing will serve the turn, but monopolizing it by Marriage, because we would make it surely our own, and nevertheless our own till then. For if she be young, she is like an Hawk upon her wing; and if she be handsome, she is the more subject to go out at check. Faulkners that can but seldom spring right game, should still have something to take them down. The lure to which all stoop in this World, is either garnisht with profit or pleasure, and when you cannot throw her the one, you must be content to shew out the other. Consider again that woman (besides the trouble) is a Rent-charge which though the curiosity of man hath often inclosed, yet he cannot for his life stop so well one gap, but it will lie open for any stragler; by which means it seldom improves or becomes fruitful. And why should a woman be denyed the liberty of breaking a pane in her own window, or not admitted the freedom of regress to her own salli-port, letting in whom she esteems as friends? If you will not give them the permission, you must be forc’d to wink when they take it, or do worse: crosse them, and they will endeavour the not leaving a crosse in your Pocket. Take it which way you will, Marriage is the dearest way of curing love. Faring with such, as it doth with those for the most part that at great charges walls in grounds and plant, who cheaper might have eaten Mellons elsewhere, than Cucumbers in their own Garden. Besides, it is a gross piece of ignorance to be bound up to love for an age, when the cause of love may perish for a month, and then the effect will follow. If it be natures paint in the face, that doth induce you; those beautiful flowers of red and white, a disease will quickly wither; if not, ravishing time will deflowre the choicest beauty.

But the ill consequents of Marriage are more to be considered, which are commonly drawn from the evil inclinations of that Sex; _Eve_ by stumbling at the Serpents Sollicitations cast her Husband out of Paradice; nor are her Daughters surer of foot, being foundred by the heat of lust and pride. It were somthing if Marriage could answer the expectation of all she boasts the cure of; for instead of quenching the hot coals of concupiscence, it aggravates the simple sin of Fornication, making it sprout into Adultery. What might be said more as to this subject, I shall refer the Reader to the Writings of that ingenious Gentleman Mr. _Francis Osborne_. If any more (like boys stript and stand shivering about the brink) are ready to leap into Loves Whirl-pit, and so endanger the loss of themselves, let them first look upon love to be an idle fancy, and Wedlock of a dangerous consequence. If I could perswade you from loving, one would think the other then would be disregarded, but some to their costs can speak the contrary. In the first place, marry none but whom you love: for he that marries where he doth not love, will love where he did not marry. If you are prone to love one particular person, some are of opinion that travel is an excellent remedy: For absence doth in a kind remove the cause, removing the object. Others think that frequent visits (where as the rarity of them indears the affection) may by a surprizal discover some defects, which though they cure not absolutely, yet they qualifie the vehement heat of an amorous Feavor: and as near as can be, let it be unseasonably, either when she is in sicknesse or disorder, by that a man may know she is but mortal, and but a woman; the last would be enough to a wise man for an Antidote. Enter into discourse with her of things she daily hears not, and it will confirm the cure. Neither will it be amiss to contrive your self into the company of variety, especially such beauties which are generally cry’d up; and if you can, taste them all, (but now I think on’t, it is no matter, one is sufficient for a surfeit) for this Malady is better remedy’d this way, than by abstinence: good jovial company will much conduce to the cure.

But, I like not the prescription of Marriage, since it is the last and most dangerous receipt; like a kind of live Pigeons apply’d to the soals of the feet, which remedy to say truth, is worse than the disease: Were it possible for a Woman to be constant to one, something might be said, but I never yet tryed any which did not very much shew their displeasures when offered some kindness, but never found any to refuse them, if opportunity & privacy of place admitted their reception; which hath made me often in my own thoughts question my mothers honesty and fidelity to my Father.

What I now utter, is not derived from prejudice to that Sex, grounded on my own Wifes disloyalty; but experience tells me this, which most past sixteen very well understand, that there are few Women, let them pretend what they please, but will yield to the temptations of the flesh, and so much the sooner, by how much she professeth some new light, which is _Ignis fatuus_ that leads them into the _Quagmires_ of all sorts of erronious Tenents. With this dark Lanthorn-Light they dazle the eyes of such as would pry into their actions, whiles behind in the dark they sensually satisfie themselves undiscovered.

Experience dictates what I here express; for I have had converse with several of these Religious pretenders, that in the very act would very much inveigh against Adultery with their tongues, whilst their Bloods willingly consented to the commission of that sin, and then immediately after seem extremely pensive, using these and such like formal expressions: _Fie, fie, I wonder how you durst sin thus, even before the face of your Creator. Do you think he saw you not? yea verily, and you shall answer for what you have now done_; whereas it could never have been done without a mutual consent.

They will make it their daily discourse, speaking against such whose natural inclinations have prompted them to unlawful satisfaction of their lust, and yet they themselves are at the same time studying how they may secretly and securely accomplish the same thing.

To conclude, Woman in general is the very extract of inconstancy, and therefore it is but a vain thing for any to think she can absolutely love one man. Such who are found constant to their Husbands, preferring their welfare before the indulging of their own by-respects, ought to be lookt on no less then Miracles of their Sex, by such who are acquainted generally with Female dispositions and actions.

CHAP. XXIII.

_He Cheats his Creditors by knavish breaking, and runs away
from _Ireland_. He is Shipwrackt on the Isle of _Man_._

Whilst my credit was good, I thought good to make use of it, lest that failing, I should want an opportunity to march off with flying Colours. To raise my repute amongst my Neighbours (whom I knew would spread abroad what they had seen) I caus’d a Porter (whom I could intrust) to carry out privately an hundred pound, and a little while after to come with a trusty friend of mine with that, and five or six hundred pound bags more on his back, openly carrying them. Upon my receipt hereof, I presently tumbled the Money out of the bag (which had really mony in it) on the Counter, purposely making a great noise: having told it over (my friend standing by the while) I put it up; and pretending to lay that aside and take another, I took up the same again, so doing till I had told it over five or six times; then writing in publike view a Receipt, with much civility and respect I dismist my Gentleman. And this did I thrice in a months time; so that by this means without suspition I conveyed away a great quantity of my Goods, which people thought I had sold, & therefore thought me to have a great trade. Report hereby rendred me a man of vast dealing, so that now I had goods dayly offer’d me, some whereof I received, promising to them payment at three moneths, others at six; whereas I intended they should stay till her had her twelve Apostles for her Jury. What Wares or Moneys I could take up, I did, not mattering at what rate. To some of the more wary sort I confest a Judgment for their security. I needed not to have spoken in the Singular number, for I deluded four with my Judgments. What commodities I had, I converted into money by a bill of Sale, and so went away, leaving my Creditors to sue out a Statute of _Bankrupt_ if they so pleased; which I valued not, if once out of their reach. To my chiefest Creditor I sent these lines, to the intent he should not tax me with incivility for going away and not sending him word.

_Credit doth strengthen such whose Trades are weak,
But too much Credit, Sir, did make me break.
Credit to sinking Trades-men is a prop,
But had you kept your Wares, I’de kept my Shop.
Pray do not blame me, Sir, because I show
A way to pay those many debts you owe:
Which you may do, if you’l advised be,
Which is in short, prepare to follow me.
Believe me, faithful Sir, in what I say,
I went before, but to shew you the way:
But you will not, don’t lament your loss,
For in your Money I do bear the cross.
Grief will distract you, and destroy your wit;
Good Sir, preserve it, for y’ ave paid for it._

I rid post for _Holy-head_ night and day, so that I arrived there in a very short time: going to dismount, I tumbled off, neither could I rise again; continual and unaccustomed riding had almost dislocated every bone in my body, notwithstanding it was swathed for that purpose. The next day I made a shift to walk abroad to view the Rarities of the Town, but found nothing rare but handsome Women, Civility, and good Drink. In two days time we set Sail: we had not ran above three Leagues before the Sky darkned; the Wind blew hard at a South-East, and the Waves rose mountain-high: In an hours time we were forced to cut our Masts by the board, and lightning the Ship as much as we could, let her drive. Every man fell to his Prayers, expecting every moment when they should be swallowed up by the Sea. As for my part, I now thought divine vengeance had overtaken me, and would reckon with me for all my Rogueries; I lookt on my self as _Jonas_, & was much troubled that others should suffer for my iniquities. About three a Clock in the morning we heard a hideous noise occasioned by the beating of the Sea against the Rocks, which was ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the Seamen, who now knew there was no hope for us. Now could I pray heartily, that had never pray’d in my life before: but my Devotion was soon spoiled, for the Ship struck in between two Rocks. I lookt out, and methought the dashing of the waves lookt perfectly like flashes of Fire. Here she stuck a little while, which gave five of us opportunity to leap out upon a Rock: we were no sooner there, before a wave fetcht her off, but brought her on again, and split her all to pieces. We five in the mean time riding astride on a Rock behind one another, like so many Criminals on a _Woodden-horse_. Sometimes a wave would strike clear over us, which indangered our washing off. Sometimes we thought to let go our hold, as looking upon our preservation to be impossible; and withal imagining that the tide was coming in. At last the hindmost could hold no longer, but crying, _Lord have mercy on my Soul_, committed himself to the merciless Sea. Immediately came a tumbling Sea and washt of the next; now did I expect that every wave would prove my Executioner. But it was not decreed (I suppose) that I should be drown’d. Day broke, so that we could discern we were not a Coits cast from Shore, and that the Sea was ebbing. We waited not above an hour before we crawled to Shore, for go we could not, our joynts were so benumb’d by the cold. We got up the Beach, and could discern a little way distant a small Cottage; thither were repaired with much difficulty, and were kindly entertained, pittyed, and informed where we were. We stay’d about a week in this Isle of _Man_, without one farthing expence. For the Inhabitants are generally very civil, and courteous, and especially to Strangers. From thence we imbarkt for _Dublin_.

CHAP. XXIV.

_His Arrival into _Ireland_: he changeth his Name: what
trick he serv’d his first Landlady; all his Money being
spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt
which he expected to follow him._

We landed at a place called _Ringsend_ about a mile from _Dublin_. I was askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he meant, and angerly spake thus: _By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see very much well, arre look here is one by thine own side_. It was a great while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted him. As for his _Ringsend_-Coach, as he call’d it, it was Wheel-barrow fashion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large _Cheshire_ Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first mistook for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the extract (by his shape) of a _Scotch-Hobby_; well, up I mounted, but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither coacht nor carted, but I fancyed my self (and that justly) as I was riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place of execution, which afterwards experimentally I found _Dublin_ to be: many of its Inhabitants call this City _Divlin, quasi Divels Inn_, & very properly it is by them so termed; for there is hardly a City in the world that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in general, their Azylum, or Sanctuary. My first care was to plant my self conveniently; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my hair off, ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my own hair, to the intent that if I should meet with any of my former acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my self familiar with my fictitious name. At first when my Landlady called me by that name, I either star’d her in the face, or lookt behind me, (not answering thereunto) thinking she had spoke to some man else: but had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing for my silence, my design might have been marr’d. I daily met with several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.

In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my Goods and money; that which I had brought with me was all consumed. My Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little while, I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity of Goods and Money too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away. Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judgement attended my fraud and knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I should reap at first only some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and disrespected. My Hostess again was very importunate with me to have her Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceived that she had been often cheated with such delusions.

Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty: I used all means possible to get her alone; which I did but seldom, and then did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief how dearly I loved her: she replyed little, but would laugh at me till she held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I might argue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come, away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I tell her, all I enjoyed, & my self too, were properly hers, and that she might take them when she pleased into her possession. No, no, she would say, my youthfull days are past, and it is time for me to look Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, _&c._

Since words would no ways prevail, I resolved to try something else, knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of his Wash-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had so lockt up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I could but just hear him say, _In the name of —— what art?_ I am, said I, (and then she wak’d too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your leachery; to that intent I came hither, to be fully satisfied of what I have a long time suspected. As for you Madam, _your youthful days are past_, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to Heaven, why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you? As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too; for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.

To be short, they both intreated me to be silent, and retire to my own lodging, & that in the morning they would treat with me to my full satisfaction. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwise then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman being very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our contract with an Oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame. The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I think, or vexation to be so caught, _incontinently_ married her, though all former sollicitations (which I understood were many) proved ineffectual.

CHAP. XXV.

_He is driven to extreme necessity; he describes what it is
to be indigent, by what he suffered in that condition._

This ten pound I received from my old leacherous Dotard, made its _Exit_ almost assoon as its entrance into my Pocket: by that sum I thought to have purchased Mountains in _Ireland_ (and indeed there is too great plenty of them there,) by gaming; but experience told me afterwards that my design was hazardous, and so it proved, for I met with a person that _bubbled_ me at Hazard, not leaving me a penny, and ingaged besides for my proportion of the Reckoning. My Gamester dealt too hardly with me; yet it was but just, for I intended to show him as little favour, if compell’d to lye at my mercy, which I verily thought would be, having various Utensils about me to that purpose, but I was overmacht.

_I thought my self secure, for I could top,
By which I’ve forc’d some Cits to leave their shop.
I palm’d, and put the change upon them too;
I only studyed how I might undo.
But now I’m met with, ’tis but just I see,
That he which others cheats, should cheated be._

I returned to my Lodging, (which was none of the best) with what anxiety and perturbation of mind, I shall give any looser leave to imagine, whilst the remembrance thereof enforceth me to speak; and I hope the Reader will give me that liberty, since the Proverb intaileth on the looser that priviledge. I acquainted my Landlord with my misfortune, who seem’d very much to condole me for the present, but it was afterwards the occasion of his not crediting me. From hence, I will advise all to speak as little as they can of ills that betide them; but we cannot discourse too much of the good that happens to us. Perceiving my Landlord grew cold, my spirit was too high to be any longer beholding to him but for my Lodging; wherefore I seldom came home till night. Neither would I make known my condition to any that knew me. Sometimes I should meet with some in the street, who would ask me to drink with them; my usual answer was, I came from it but even now: insisting farther, that such a Gentleman, with two or three more besides my self, had drank so much, and that I admired at my self for being so sober; whereas to deal ingenuously, I had not drank one drop that day. Another seeing me, would ask me whether I would dine with him at the Ordinary? then would I pretend that my Lord —— Gentleman over-persuaded me to dine with him, and that we had such variety, that I doubted my stomack had received some detriment thereby; and therefore beg’d an excuse; whereas a dry crust taken out of my _Leather Cupboard_, was all the varieties the _Gentleman-Vsher_ of my stomack, my throat I mean, had taken cognizance of that day. So hard it was too, that I would look this way, and that way, not daring to commit it to the engine of my Chops, unless there was none near me within a furlong; for had there been any near me, they would have sworn I was eating Walnuts shells and all. Now did I learn to drink Water, which necessity made me to commend as the most soveraign liquor, and most suitable to the body of man; otherwise _Adam_ in Paradise would not have been without a cup of Ale.

Every morning I offer’d up my Devotions either to St. _Patrick_, or St. _James_, each of which have two excellent Wells dedicated to the honour of their Saintships. Thither did I repair constantly twice or thrice a day: after I had offered up the fumes of smoke (most commonly of none of the best Tobacco) I kneeled, not using the common way of drinking out of the chained iron dish, but with greater adoration suckt it as it came through the conveyance. After a walk to _Kilmanum_ (about a mile from _Dublin_) or some other place to prepare my stomack, I return’d to _Christ-Church_, frequently dining there with Sir _Richard Strang-bow_. Reflecting on his Cheer, and the Liquor of those two Saints, I cannot but tell you my thoughts of both.

_Sir _Richard Strang-bow_ keeps an house where Wine
And Bread some sup on, but few seldom dine.
Ask yet an hungry Rambler, and he’ll say,
(Though not one bit came near his mouth that day)
He plentifully din’d with him, so let him still
Till he hath found his empty belly fill,
Where I ne’re could, which made me hate in fine
Sir _Richard Strang-bows_ Feasts, St. _Patrick’s_ Wine._

I fasted so long, I had now almost forgot how to eat: for if casually I came where meat was, I often made a proffer to convey something to my mouth, but my lips understood not my meaning; for having been so long unaccustomed to their duty, knew not how to perform their _gaping_ office. It was impossible at this time for the greatest fright to have made me foul my breeches, because I seldom used any thing that might cause excrements. And therefore I wondred to hear any enquire for an house of Office, since I had now left off going to stool. Once in five days I thought I stood in need of evacuating; but I was mistaken, for by discharging a blast of wind (whose fury scattered small stones underneath me) I found it only a fit of the Cholick. I shall deal plainly, shoud I have found a propensity, I would have been very unwilling to let any thing go out, since so little past into my belly. Some _Moveables_ I had left, which I was forced to dispose of, to keep the passage of my guts open, which would frequently grumble against my stomach for detaining too long what was received, challenging a propriety therein. I thought it good policy not to buy any Belly-timber of a quick concoction, because it should stay the longer within me. To this purpose I lookt on old Cheese to be food convenient; knowing that though it will disgest any thing else, yet it cannot disgest it self; and as it closeth up the mouth of the stomack, so by its respective quality it locks up fast the Poststern of the Micro-cosm. Flesh again (if I got any) I would swallow by whole-sale, fearing lest by chewing it, my stomach would too suddenly give it a passport to my _Hypo-gastrium_; by which means it would be immediately ready again, nay restless in the craving more. I seldom slept for the gnawing of my stomack, and the anguish of my guts, and for want of those fumes which proceeding from Meat ascended into the head, and so the causers of sleep. If I chanced to nod at any time, I dreamed of nothing but eating, my fancy feeding that while as voraciously as an hunger-starved hound on a shoulder of Mutton. I was driven to that pass, I could not justly tell whether I was alive or not. Sometimes I was of the opinion that I dyed in our Ship-wrack on the Isle of _Man_, and that I was now a Soul in Purgatory.

Immediately after my arrival in this place, the Itch and _Bunniah_, or Flux, (the two grand Epidemical distempers of _Ireland_) gave me their wellcome into their Country, attended by a great number of six-footed Gent. clad in a gray livery, with one single list down the back; who all promised to stick to me & be my bosome-friends, neither would they forsake me as long as life lasted. But they like the rest of the best and fairest promising friends left me, when fortune committed me prisoner to the merciless cruel hands of that accursed Gaoler, Poverty. I was grown so lean, that the Mungril _Scotch_ & _Irish_ Gentleman the Itch, finding not flesh enough to feed on, gave me the _French_ Complement, _Adieu pouvre Gentilhome_. The Flux staid with me as long as any thing was left in my belly, but finding no substance from my Guts, took his leave also, unkindly carrying away all that was within me. Their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat, there being little left but bones, whose teeth were incapable of fastning thereon, resolv’d to follow after; some making more than ordinary haste, broke their necks off the Cape of my Cloak, missing their footing, the threads thereof being spun out as time as fine as those of _Arachnes_ working.

To conclude, I was a mere walking _Skeleton_, my skin only serv’d as a mantle for my bones. But for wind, my belly would have contradicted an approved Philosophical Axiome, proving a _Vacuum_.

One time passing by the Castle-gate, a Souldier fir’d his Musquet, and I protest methought my belly sounded like a Drum at the report. Should I relate every particular wherein the malevolencie of Fortune afflicted me, I should much tire the Reader, as well as perplex my self with remembrance; wherefore I shall desist, and give you leave to imagine the deplorableness of his condition, who hath neither Monies, Friends, nor Credit, and in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people nor their Language.

CHAP. XXVI.

_He falling accidentally into a strange house, endeavours to
build a Sconce, but is frustrated of his intent. The old
Hostess pities him at first, and relieves him, and
continually after feeds him for her own peculiar Diet;
further insisting on the misery he then endured._

I was by this time grown so feeble by fasting, or by the manner of my feeding, which was either Cheese or hard Eggs, (there being great plenty) that I could hardly go; and so light I was by continual smoking, that I questioned often whether I was not a meer fume my self; fearing still when I walkt abroad, to be extracted by the Sun for an exhalation. Fortune so favour’d me one day, that I found a Groat, which put me into a extasie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vast sum of _four pence_, for in an instant, not knowing by what means, I found my self in a Victualling-house, so speedy was my conveyance, as if I had been riding some _Dæmon_ through the air. I call’d for some meat, but my voice sounded so hollow, as if I had spoken in a vault. Some said, it was the _Eccho_ of some person speaking in the next house: others of the wiser sort believed me to be some _Spectrum_, or Apparition; and that the Devil had assum’d a body speaking in that _mortuum cadaver_. The truth of it is, ’twas something hard to determine, whether I spake or no, but that they might perceive my lips to open. There was a Physician in the house at that time, who looking on me narrowly, openly proclaim’d that I was the workmanship of some Mortal, who having first gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had artificially skin’d them over, and that German Clock-work caus’d my motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions, but that I had forgot how. I had some Gall left in me still, which made me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare, intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mistaken, but perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Doctor, whom shame retain’d, otherwise by a fit of an Ague (which just then possest him) I knew he would willingly have been gone too. _Speak_ (said he tremblingly) _what art?_ I was somewhat puzled at his question, for I knew not well what I was: I am a living man, said I. _Why then thou wouldst have flesh_, said he. After several discourses to this purpose, I at length made him partly believe that I was no such thing he imagined, and yet he would be asking me still a many impertinent questions, as whether I could see; and his reason was, because he could discern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or lost them since accidentally, _&c._ I was forced to tell him at last that it was the Country disease that had reduced me to this condition. Hearing me say so, he pitied me much, and told me he would fetch instantly something that should do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Doctor. The good Woman over-hearing our discourse drew neer then confidently, and demanded what I would have? I told her, any thing which was eatable, as far as a groat would go. She brought me some hot Meat, and setting it before me, went for some drink, but before she could return I had swallowed it all: she fetcht me more, which went the same way with as much celerity. But like Quick-silver it wrought quite through me, not staying a quarter of an hour.

The manner whereof was thus: About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got into a piece of paper; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be dangerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it; notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I discharged my self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had fouled my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Landlady by showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me strongly to eat it again; for, said she, it cannot be much the worse for just passing through you, and I will fry it if you please. I thought I should now have dyed with laughter at her strange proposition; but the woman star’d upon me, not knowing whether I grin’d or laught. Well, well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals, some body else shall. I offer’d her my Groat, which she refus’d, telling me there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had about me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.

_But she for her part thought it was unjust,
To listen to the arguments of trust._

And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her stay a while: then as soon as she had turned her back I attempted to march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it was; I needed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention to what I exprest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my misfortunes; she caus’d instantly a bed to be warm’d, where being laid, she ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine shew’d a world of kindness to me, not imagining what she aimed at. She would not let me stir out of my Bed but whilst it was making, for above a week; at the conclusion of which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew indifferent strong; she gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I must walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I imagined what my old Gentlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place I acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction. Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I require (said she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and so by the force of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with _Venus_, though in Conjunction with this _Succubus_. We us’d not many ceremonies, (like puling-whining Lovers that are always saying Grace, but never fall to) but taking the convenience of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge we conferred notes. Had any seen us in this posture, they would have concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike, and that _Flora_ was converted into a young man, and both in an unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthful _Phœbus_ had contracted his rays to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forced to desist, finding his powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw. Whenever I wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the saying I loved her, extracted so much as supplied my present occasions; if I wanted a sum considerable, why then a quarter of an hours discourse in private effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems I us’d that I so suddenly wound my self out of that Labyrinth of all sorts of miseries, & that I appeared both in feature and garb so excentrick to my former condition. I had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various suspitions of pragmatick persons. In short, I was now very well apparell’d, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my Horse, nay my Whore too; this I made use of for what she was, the other for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life, that I deem’d it impossibly unalterable by any decree of fate.

CHAP. XXVII.

_He makes a Ramble into the Country, takes some Observations
as he travelleth; and is soundly beaten for attempting
to board a small _Irish_ Pinnace._

I began now to be somewhat weary of the City, and therefore resolved to refresh my self with the Country Air. I acquainted my Patroness therewith; who with much regret condescended, conditionally two days should be the utmost time of my absence.

That morning I set forth, there was such solemn leave taken between us, as if my voyage had been intended for the _Indies_. About to amount, she retrived my intentions, clasping me in her arms; I should rather have chosen the imbraces of a she-Bear, as thinking her breath far sweeter; and truly I have often wondred at my recovery in so impure and unwholsom air. Being on Horse-back she so bathed her Cheeks with tears (wanting no moisture, derived from an everlasting spring of humours distilling from her head) that you would have sworn she was the representation of the Pig-woman in _Ben’s Bartholomew_-fair. Had not her watry Flood-gates drowned her eyes, I think she would have stood looking after me that way I rid till my return. Well, there is no fool like the old doting fool: And were I again to love for interest, I would choose such a person. Your young skittish things that onely mind their pleasures, think they have done a man a courtesie that merits reward, if they admit him into their private familiarity, because they find fond man so passionate and impatient in the prosecution of his desires: And then again, having variety of Courtiers, they are too sensible, that if one will not meddle with the bait, a second will nibble at it so long till he is caught with the hook. Whereas a woman stricken in years, and having lost her beautiful allurements is disregarded, & lookt on as no fit subject for love to treat on: not but she may have as youthful desires as any; and if that way inclin’d, none so prone as she. For knowing she hath nothing but her wealth to attract withal, she will freely part with it for her self-satisfaction; and that she may not loose her Stallion, constantly encourage him even to the exhausting of what she hath. Moreover, finding the man to answer her expectations, she studies all ways imaginable how to please him in every thing, that he may please her in that one thing.

But to my purpose: coming to _Balle-more-Eustace_, a little beyond the Town, (which is in the County of _Wicklow_) there is a small River in the Summer-time not above knee-deep; I perceived a young woman about to cross it; drawing to the water, she stood not on the niceties of modesty, but pulled up her Cloaths to the wast. The sight hereof stopt me, and as near as I could opposite to her. She minded me not, but came straight over to me, and at about three yards distance let down her Coats. I observed so many excellencies that my blood began to boyl, and my flesh was all of a flame. For her hair which naturally curled, and was plaited, was of a bright flaxen, each hair in the Sun glittered like a thread of Gold.

Here take notice by the way, that the Maids for the most part, Winter and Summer, go without any coverings on their head, which they wash all over every night; the meaner sort as soon as married wear Kerchers. She had an Angelical countenance, onely somewhat brownish by the Suns frequent kissing of it; I know not whether I may adjudge that a deformity. The skin of her body might vye with Snow for whiteness. I dismounted, & addrest my self to her in _English_; she answered me in her own language, _she understood me not_: Then did I make use of that little _Irish_ I had learned, which were some fragments of lecherous expressions, to which she replied, but I understood her not. To be brief, I so far prevailed that I got her into a small Wood, in which the thick & spreading tops of the trees seemed to lay their heads together in conspiracy to keep not only the Suns entry, but also the curious search of any mortals eye. She permitted me to kiss, dally, lay my hand on her thighs, _&c._, which were the only Preludiums of what should follow. But herein I mistook, for their dispositions are much different from the _English_. We use to say, that where we gain over any woman the liberty to use the hand, we cannot fail of doing what we most desire: whereas quite contrary they will without the least opposition permit the first, but with the greatest difficulty admit of the last. For as soon as she saw me ready to engage, she cryed out incessantly, _Whillallalloo_; and presently I could hear this ululation ecchoed. I had just recovered my Horse, when two or three fellows came running to me, the one with a Flail, the rest with long Poles. The first salutation I received was from the Flail, which failed but little of doing my business: the next my Horses Crupper received; the poor beast being civilly bred, could do no less then return them a Congee with his leg, which made one of them fall on his knees to his Master, as if he had been Monarch of that Soil. These two Rogues stood stiffly to me, insomuch that I knew not what course to take. The Villains were so nimble, that one of them was continually before me hindring my flight, whilst the other drub’d me forward. I bethought my self of a Pistol I had in my Pocket charged without a bullet; I drew it, presented, and pretended I would fire if they desisted not; for these stupid fellows apprehended not the danger: perceiving how stupidly senseless they were, I fir’d it full in the face of him that fronted me, who verily believ’d he had been shot, & so out of conceit (for they are naturally very timerous) fell down as dead; the other seeing that, ran away as swift as lightning, whereby I had leave to ride on, which I did (you may think) with no ordinary speed. Lovers may talk of their sufferings by their Mistress frowns, or obdurateness, but let any one judge of mine by the blows I received; sighing is nothing to fighting, and a few tears are not to come in competition with dry basting. Pox on them they made me out of conceit with love for six weeks after. I never thought of enjoying a woman since, but the remembrance of those three Bog-trotters converted the hot fit of my amorous Fever into a cold one.

A little way from _Baltinglass_ I took up my quarters for that night. The Inn I lay in was one story high, about the height of an extraordinary Pigsty, and there was one Chimney in it too, more then there is to be found in one of an 100 such Hovils. The good man welcom’d me after his fashion, but I think an _Anthropophagus_ or _Indian_ Man-eater would have done it as civily. I bid him set up my Horse by signs, (for that was the language we converst in) but alass there was no other Stable but what was at the end of our Kitchin; our Dining-room, Bed-chamber, Pigsty, Pantry and Buttery, being all one, without distinction or separation. Some few Wattles (as they call them) were placed above, that was our Hay-loft. The onely door of our Inn was a large hurdle, much like a sheep-pen. The _Bannettee_ or good wife of the house, could speak a little broken _English_. I askt her what I should have for Supper? _Thou shalt have a Supper said she for St. _Patrick_ a gra._ I staid an half hour expecting when she would lay down something to the fire, but instead thereof she brings me in a Wooden Platter a great many Leeks, in the bottom whereof was a good quantity of Bay-salt, and withal a loaf as black as if the Meal had been wetted with Ink. _Seest tou tere, Chreest himself nor St. _Patrick_ did ever eat better ting._ I could not forbear smiling, which put her into a great passion: For if a man eats not what they set before him, they think themselves highly affronted. Because I would please them (not knowing but that I might find as bad sawce here) I pretended to eat, conveying it into my Boots. After supper I askt them for a clean Pipe; the woman brought me one about an inch long, telling me it was very clean, for her Husband had not smoakt in it above ten times. I judged it to be the ruines of the first Pipe that was made, which was conveyed from one of that family to another, conditionally they should constantly smoke in it without burning it. They offered me some snuff too; which is one of the greatest kindnesses they can either show or be shown. I called for some drink, (to try whether that corresponded with the rest) and so it did, for there was no swallowing it without chewing. Finding but little satisfaction I desired to go to Bed. That I should instantly, they said, but I wondered where they intended to lay me. In a little while in came a lusty wench with a bundle of rushes on her head, my bed it seemed by the sequel, which she spreading on the ground, covered them with a _Caddow_ or Rugg. Here I must lye or no where, patience was my onely comfort; wherefore stripping my self to my drawers and Stockings, I laid my self down. About two hours after came in two Cows, three or four Piggs, some Ducks and Geese, (which they brought not in before, out of civility to me.) All their family being within doors; the good Man, his Wife, and two Daughters, stripping themselves stark naked, lay down altogether by my side, which seem’d somewhat strange to me. I could hardly forbear the two young ones, but that my late misfortune was so fresh in my memory.

I could not sleep all that night, wherefore very early I discharged my Reckoning, and so set forward for _Dublin_ with all the expedition I could, not liking the Country-entertainment. I would not ride the same way back as I came, to avoid my bone-breakers; but it had been as well; for coming to a River that I must foard, I askt a fellow which was the safest place: he pretending no knowledge of what I said, wherefore making signs to him, he answer’d me again with his hand, directing me to such a place: at the first step my Horse and I plunged over head and ears; and had not my Horse been strong, we had both perished. With much difficulty we got up the bank on the other side, and looking behind me, the villain was e’ne almost out of sight. Such causeless revenge they frequently exercise towards the _English_, naturally hating us with a perfect antipathy. I returned at length to my old Hostess, resolving when next I undertook such a journey, I would steer by the compass of other mens experience.

CHAP. XXVIII.

_The manner of his stealing an Hogshead of _French_ Wine
from the Custom-house._