Chapter IX: Part 9

Tracing the street, I chanced to cast my eye on a fellow, the slowness of whose pace informed me of the idleness of his condition. His garb was so preposterously unsuitable, that a man could not possibly look on him without excessive laughter. To the intent you may participate with me in the same sport, I shall open his Wardrobe. In general there was not any thing he did wear that had not some times another property, & of which one might derive another Pedigree. The Hat he had on was devested of all Royal Dignity, having lost its Crown, and yet his crime would not be allowed of as Capital. But what it wanted in one place was supplied in another, the brims whereof being so large, they might have conveniently served as a Pent-house for another besides himself. But this ingenious Squire politickly had pin’d up the brims on one side, that he might have some light to discern his way; his Hat thus pin’d up on the one side lookt much like a trap-door pull’d up. His Band was so torn and dirty, as if he had but just come from some fray; and lest passion should prove obnoxious, time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler. In what condition his Doubtlet was behind, I could plainly discover through the holes of his Cloak, which generally was so transparent, that the rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his Breeches I am confident were the off-spring of the Furniture of a Billiard-Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whose Grandfather was an Horse-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches, but it put me in mind of the _Scotch_ Flaggs that hung up in _Westminster_. His skirts were so liquor’d and greas’d, that in case of extremity they might have served for belly-pieces, not using any thing but their own fatness to fry them in. By his countenance he seemed like a man of courage and ingenuity, and so I could not chuse but endeavour his relief. Wherefore I accosted him, pretending I had seen him somewhere, but could not for the present call to mind the place. His necessity made him assent to whatever I said; and desiring his company to an Ale-house, he readily granted my request. By what unhappy accident he became thus miserable, I know not, but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir’d parts. Having had various discourses of several matters, and that we began to be familiarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt himself up so close in his Cloak? _O Sir_, said he, _(to be plain) I have a maim’d Doublet, and I have heard some say, there is nothing more prejudicial to a wound than the intromission of Air_; which that Network garment of yours (said I) will never be able to keep out. He replyed, _’Tis true, Sir, I find it so, but I wish it were a Net, for then I might employ my self by fishing_.

I was so well pleased in my new acquaintance, that (bidding him stay there till my return, which should be speedy) I went and procured him all things necessary for to cover his nakedness: the last thing he put on was his Shoes; finding them to have Soals, they added new life to him.

_But did before in one condition roul,
And both appear’d as if they had no Soul._

Having thus cast (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not ashamed to walk with him in the streets; coming to the Custom-house we saw several Pipes and Hogsheads of Wine. Viewing all the places belonging thereunto, said I, Methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these Hogsheads, had I but assistance. You shall not want mine, Sir, (said he) even to the hazard of my life, which I shall never look on as a sufficient requital for this singular favour you have now conferr’d on me. Having walkt there a while, we went down to a place called _Lazy hill_, where I found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I informed them of my design; they willingly promised their helping hand, and the time appointed for the effecting our intentions, was that night about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having procured an empty Hogshead, we fill’d it with water, and away we went in the Boat. The tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, where I planted three of our company, instructing them that assoon as they found the Coast cleer above, they should with slings (which they had for that purpose) leave the Hogshead of water, & exchange it for one of wine; which done, they should march off immediately. I and my new Comerade marcht up the Custom-house stairs, where we encountred with two old Watchmen. They askt us what our business was, we told them we had no other design but to drink with them, having been a little frolicksome the other side of the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this news, and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink, the other carried me to the Lodge. The drink being come, they minded that so much, they had forgotten their duty; & I plyed them so close with whole ones, that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my Comrogues were gone; pretending our boat was a drift, we took our leaves; for then we could go along by the shore side, leaving this paper on one of the Hogsheads, I left them.

_What _Moses_ did in the Creators name,
By art Egyptian Magick did the same.
Since I have read of Water turn’d to Wine,
This Miracle is opposite to mine.
For I (though never yet a Rhenish hater)
Have by my art converted Wine to Water._

I have often heard these very lines (with some real circumstances of this our exploit, but more fictitious) repeated to me as a very good jest, which pleas’d me near upon as much as our purchase.

Being five of us concerned, we scorned to sell our Wine, but contracting with some to find Sugar, with others _Westphalia hams_, or such like relishing meats, and with others to be at the expence of Musick, but every one to be at his own charge for Wenches; we never gave over ranting and roaring till we had dreined the Hogshead dry.

CHAP. XXIX.

_His Landlady dyeth, and so is left again to live by his
wits; his Comerade is hanged, with some hints of his
desperate, irreligious, and atheistical tenents._

In the height of our jollity, word was brought me that my Landlady was dangerously sick, and that she desired to speak with me instantly; thinking it was onely a fit of lecherous and salacious itch, I made no great haste, but at length I went: Assoon as I entred within her doors, I received the sad tydings of her death. I ran up stairs (not believing this report, because I would not have it so) but found it too true: viewing her as she lay, I perceived her hand fast clincht: I took it into mine, and wrenching it open, there dropt ten pieces of Gold, which I conceive she intended to have bestowed on me whilest living, as her last Legacy. I conveyed them privately into my Pocket, and presently made enquiry how she had disposed of her Estate; but I received little or no satisfaction herein, only to my great vexation, I heard she often to the very last called much upon me.

I stayed not above two or three days in the house, but I was forced to leave it.

I met with my obliged friend, to whom I communicated my late misfortune: he like an experienc’d Stoick counsel’d me to bear my loss patiently, since that is below a man to repine at any sublunary casualty, much more to sink under the burden of any vexatious cross, or remediless loss. We discoursed, what expedient we were best to take, and to encrease our small stocks by some witty exploit. We propounded many things which we approved not of. We thought of turning Highway-men; but I disswaded him from that, by informing him that money was very scarce, and that men of 500_l._ _per annum_ usually travelled 30 or 40 miles with a single _Cob_, or piece of eight, not so much for fear of robbing as for want of Coyn; and that is the reason that all sorts of provision are very cheap, because there is so great a scarcity of that should purchase them. Why then said he, there is mony enough in the Exchequer. But said I, it is so difficult to come at, that I will not hazard my life in the attempt. Hearing me speak in this manner, he lookt upon me in derision: saying, _That fear was a passion unworthy to be lodg’d in the Soul of man, and that there is nothing here which a man either should or need to fear, _Secundem Religionem Stoici_: And that man deserved not the fruition of the least happiness here, that would not, rather then go without it, venture his neck_.

We had so hot a contest about this, that we parted in anger, and never saw him afterwards till I heard of his condemnation, which was occasioned by the prosecution of what he propounded to me. Two or three more besides himself combined to rob the Exchequer, but were apprehended in the enterprize, committed, arraigned at the Bar, convicted and condemned. Hearing hereof, I gave him a visit in Prison; expressing much sorrow for what he was to suffer: but he onely laught at me for my pains. I desir’d him to be more serious, since three dayes would put a period to his life, and then he must give an account of what he had done on earth; and that though we might sooth up our selves in all manner of debauchery here, yet without cordial repentance we must suffer for it hereafter. Prethee, said he, do not trouble thy head with such idle fancies. That there is a God I cannot, nor will not deny, since there are Regiments of Arguments levied both from the stately fabrick of the arched Heaven, and from the inimitable embroidery of the flowry earth which are sufficient to conquer that infidelity, and render men tributaries to the all-forming Essence. But that this God should be so unjust (who is al goodness) as to make the intent of my Creation damnation, it shall never come within the verge of my belief: if there be any punishment for criminal commissions, it must be annihilation, or nothing. Quote not me the Scriptures for my conviction if I err, since they are full of contradictions, and contain many things incredible. Neither do I know (since we are forbidden murder) why _Abraham_ should kill his Son _Isaac_ and the same person commit Adultery with his maid _Hagar_, (which is largely describ’d) and yet we are commanded the contrary; if we borrow or steal, we are enjoyn’d to make restitution; notwithstanding, the _Israelites_ were permitted to borrow the _Egyptians_ Earrings without giving satisfaction. In this manner I could cavil _ad infinitum_; and yet this Book is the Basis of Christianity. Let me tell me you plainly, Religion at first was only the quaint _Leger-de-main_ of some strong pated Statesmen, who to overawe the Capriciousness of a giddy multitude, did forge the opinion of a punisher of all humane evil actions. What was _Mahomet_ but an Impostor, whose palpable cheats grew up in his successors into a Religion, and whose inventions were and are receiv’d with as much adoration by the wisest of men, as is the Orthodox Veneration (as they term it) to a Deity, which is the object of Christian worship. The Popes piety is onely pride and ambition, and yet he pronounces Damnation against all such as are not of his belief, &c. If you will know the diversity of Religions, (all oppugning on the other) take a view thereof in Mr. _Ross_ his _Pansebeia_. Now seeing the rational soul hath fail’d so oft and so absurdly in its discoveries, how or why should we submit our selves slavishly to its determinations. For that which doth at some times err, can never at any time be concluded infallible. He would have proceeded, but I desir’d him to desist.

Now his prophane and irreligious discourse did so bore my glowing ears, that notwithstanding the wickedness of my own nature, I could not endure to hear him blaspheme; wherefore instead of endeavouring to rectifie his erroneous judgement, (for to speak the truth, my knowledg at that time was but slender in the doctrine of Christianity) I durst not discourse longer with him, but left him to his own Conscience for conviction, which I judg’d would be powerful with him at the place of Execution.

The day being come, I resolved to see the final end of my friend. And there did I enjoy the fruits of my hopes and wishes. For as soon as the Halter was about his neck, he roared so loud with his voice, that it could not but awake the most lethargick conscience that ever the Devil lull’d asleep. There I might see and know by the urinal of his eyes, and the water standing therein, what convulsion-fits his soul suffer’d, his own mouth confessing how grievously his diseased soul was stretched upon the rack of despair: then it was that the voluminous Registers of his conscience, which did formerly lye clasp’d in some unsearcht corner of his memory, were laid open before him; and the Devil, who hitherto gave him the lessening end of the prospect to survey his licentious courses and damned opinion, now turned the magnifying end to his eye, which made him cry out at last for mercy, and so was turn’d off.

CHAP. XXX.

_He passeth for a Batchellor, Courts several under the
pretence of Marrying them, by which he perswades some
out of their Maiden-heads; others out of their Money,
with which he goes for _England_; At _Chester_ he cheats
his Landlord, where having all things requisite to
compleat an Highway-man, followeth that trade: he is met
with by some of that gang, who intending to rob him, he
discovers his intentions, and they admit of him into
their society._

Being left now to shift for my self, having lost the main prop that sustain’d me in all conditions, husbanding well the advantage of this contrary wind, I presently set the engine of my brain to work, and thus it was; I addrest my self to Courtship. Beauty was not the mark I aimed, the purchase thereof producing little profit, since it self is most commonly the sole reward; neither can a man attain to it but by great expence, outvying all therein, least any interpose. Either wealthy and aged widdows, or thrifty Maids, who had laid up what they had gotten in Service as a bait to procure an Husband, such did I daily hunt out and visit by turns. I was not sparing of amorous expressions, shewing therein the height of zeal, by which means I deluded several. Some I was forced to give earnest to for their Goods, before they would trust me with what they had. This course I followed till I was generally taken notice of for a grand deceiver. Having now gotten a round sum of money by me, I borrowed where ever I could; so crossing S. _Georges_ Channel, in twenty four hours I landed at _Chester_. I took up my quarters in a very graceful Inn, and gave out immediately that I had an hundred head of Cattel coming. The Master of the house taking notice of my extraordinary Garb, and believing the report which I had caus’d to be spread abroad, lodg’d me with much respect in one of the best Chambers of his house.

The Wind favoured my design as much as I could desire, for it blew East-North-East, by which no Shipping could come out of _Ireland_. One day I came to my Landlord, and telling him that by reason of the non-arrival of my Cattel, I was disappointed of Moneys, and therefore I desired him to lend me ten pounds, and he should satisfie himself in the first choice of the best of my beasts when they came, and swore to him I would perform my promise to him upon the word of a Gentleman. So that without any scruple he lent me the money. Being Market-day, I bought an excellent Gelding with Furniture thereunto belonging, with Sword and Pistols, and in this Equipage mounted; I taking my leave of my credulous Landlord without speaking a word to him: I had not rid far, before three well mounted rid by me, (I found them afterwards to be the Van-guard) having as many more in the Rear. At the bottome of an Hill they before faced about, and bidding me stand, those in the Rear reinforc’d the Van. One of them clapping a Pistol at my breast, commanded me forthwith to deliver, Swearing three or four full-mouth’d Oaths. I saw it was now to little purpose to resist, although I was so well arm’d, and therefore endeavoured a conquest some other way, _viz._ by smooth expressions. Gentlemen (said I) ye are all mistaken; neither do I greatly wonder thereat, since I verily believe ye are fresh-men, men of a days standing in the study of this noble Science, otherwise you might have distinguisht me from an honest man; for I think in this Garb and posture, I look as suspitiously as any of ye; onely I think I take a better course then ye to avoid apprehension, and reap to my self greater satisfaction. For ye rob in companies, and if any one be taken, his just fears frequently betray himself, but oftner the rest to destruction: whereas I robbing singly, I rob securely. Now Sirs freely examine my Pockets, where finding store of Coyn, they demanded how I came by it? I invented a lye to their general satisfaction; which was, I had met with a Booty a little before I met with them, which was the occasion of my being so well furnisht; but that which confirm’d them most, was my being so well provided with Pistols in my Holsters, Pockets and Boots. Instead of doing what they intended, they were then of another opinion, and all of them carest me in a very high manner; resolving to be merry at the next Inn, and there to admit me as a Brother.

Having set up their Horses, they went into a Room before, whil’st I stayed some time after for the benefit of easing nature; coming in among them I thought my self mistaken in my company, and made a proffer to go out again; but they laughing heartily called me back. I knew not one person, for they had pull’d off their false Beards, Vizards, Hoods, Patches, Wens, Mufflers and Perriwigs, together with those other disguises that obscured the natural proportion of their faces, so that they appeared as other men. Come said the chief (as I guest him to be by the sway he bore over the rest) you are a freshman, and therefore want some of our instructions, which in due time you shall receive from us. In the first place it is fit that you take an Oath which every young Thief must observe that is admitted into the Brother-hood, or at his investation into the honour of one of the Knights of the Road: which was to this effect. First, they read a charge of secrecy, that whatever misfortune happened to cloud their freedom by rendring them as an object to Justice and the Law, they should conceal their Complices to the death, or against any other jeopardy whatsoever, burying in oblivion not only his Confederates, but also his manner of entrance into this way.

And further, they proceeded to swear me, that if the Judges should press me to a discovery of particulars, that then I must cunningly create some men in my fancy, devising not only Names, but to give each man a particular feature, describing their stature, complexion and age, as also their dwelling place. Still provided that the place of their abode be far enough off: And then before enquiry be made, the danger of the tryal may be over or past; and then again this pretended discovery may purchase favour from the Bench.

Further, if I should be examined, why, and how I fell into these courses, I must then tell them that I was born a Gentleman, and well educated; but being a younger brother, I had not wherewithal allowed me for a subsistance, and rather then I would live beneath my birth, or disparage the stock from whence I came (here fetching a deep sigh, and looking very sadly) necessity constraining me to supply my wants, I fell into these wicked courses; which will make them think you are some misled young man whom temptations had drawn aside, and so cause them to take pity of your condition; and if their mercy extend to the remision of your guilt, it shall not only rest you from the punishment of the Law, but from the persecution of your past evils.

By this means we may have liberty to fall to our old courses; nor must conscience trouble us, but dispence with every impiety, and glory in the greatest iniquities, counting him most honourable who is grown the oldest and most exquisite experienced Practitioner of all manner of vice. Much more was committed to my memory for future observation, which for brevity sake I shall omit.

CHAP. XXXI.

_Some Instructions given me by our Grand master-Thief._

After I was sworn, and full bowls of Sack had trould round, our grand Master-Thief, composing his Countenance, and looking very gravely, Come my new and young Knight of the Road, be ruled by me, whose long experience makes me able to command, and my love to you willing to instruct you. Ever lurk or lie in some by-place most advantageous and least suspitious which yields the eye the prospect of the Road: so strictly view the Booties, that other mens misfortunes may enrich your condition, and the honest mans loss be your gain; and be sure you draw every advantage that may promote your cause, to the longest extent. For your Masks and Chin-cloth, thus must you place them and fit them at a moment to disguise your face, thereby to blind the intellects of such as by constraint pay tribute to your wants; who then can know & with considerate heed directly swear you are the man, when these artificial vizards are withdrawn, and so the visible tokens vanish that might inform mens knowledge what you are? and that your words may have a different sound, alter your voice, that so as your habit, face, and haire obscure your discovery, your speech (reputed undisguiseable) will add to your concealment and security.

Be sure you ingeniously contrive a Watch-word to your selves that may occasion no suspition; as, we are like to have a fair day or a foul, according as the weather is like to prove; which being nam’d, let every man fall to his work; those that are strongest at the grasp, and have hearts accordingly, let them seize first, alwayes duly observing this, to catch the bridle by the left hand, and with the right draw your Sword. If he or they resist, the one prevents his flight, the other cuts, and so cools his courage. The weaker sorts charge is to bid stand, and confronting the Horses head, present a Pistol fit for to discharge. If they deny delivering patiently what they have, but contend, you must wave all niceties, but cut them soundly; if that will not qualifie their foolish presumption, be sure you fire not without doing Execution, and then with all speed fly, after you have with expedition taken the pillage of the field.

If you are pursu’d by an Hue and Cry, obscure your self in some place or other, and let it pass by you, and then to be sure it will never overtake you. If a prize comes by, or in your sight, if up the Hill, meet him; if down, follow close at the heels, and having more in company then your self, let each man single out his choice which he likes to deal with: the coast being clear, fall up all to your close order and side, be sure that you joyntly seize your prize. But here observe, let not any baseness of spirit unman you. For (_speaking to me_) nature hath bestow’d on you the full proportion of limbs, and thou seem’st a man of courage, suitable to the largeness of thy manly size, but be not surpriz’d with fear or cowardise if the assailed boldly assaults thee.

Full fraught with the Documents which I receiv’d from my old experienced Master, I resolv’d upon some atchievement: between two and three in the afternoon, I my self with four more set out; we planted our selves in a convenient place, only I was sent out for a discoverer: not rightly understanding my trade, I wandered too far, but in my digression I met with a single person whom I bid stand, which he would have done, and as willingly have surrendred his purse, but that he was mounted on a stone-horse, I on a Mare. Assoon as I had given the word, his stone-horse wheel’d off and came in the rear of me: I thinking he intended to crupper me, endeavoured all wayes imaginable to prevent him, for there was something it seems under my Mares tail more powerful, which at that time I dreamt not of. I led him round and round several times circularly: the poor harmless Gentleman fearing he should provoke me too much by delays, the unruliness of his Horse hindring my seising the Booty, cry’d out, Worthy Sir, take what I have and spare my life: at that very instant his Horse reared his two fore-feet upon me and my Mare, in so much that I thought he said, I’le take both Life and Money too presently; fear had then rendred me so incapable of performing the office of a Thief. With that I put spurs to my Mare, and flew through the air for the procuration of my safety. Notwithstanding I made what speed I could, the other was close at my heels: striving and kicking with both my legs, one of my Pistols went off in my Pocket: the apprehension of the present danger had bereft me of the true use of my sense, for I imagined that my back-friend had discharged at me, which made me roar out for quarter. He on the contrary concluded I fought _Tartar_-like flying, and that I had fired it at him, which made him with much eagerness eccho out with repetition this expression, _As you are a man, shew your self merciful_. Sometimes he would say, For heavens sake hold, good Sir stop; which made me ride more furiously, thinking he called to the Country, Hold him, stop him; at last do what I could, his Stone-horse leapt up upon us, at that instant (by what means I know not) we all came headlong to the ground. I expected now that my imaginary adversary would be upon me, and cut my throat before I could recover my legs, wherefore I started up, and found my mortal foe up before me, and upon the run. I could have hang’d my self to think I should be reckoned among the number of men, and yet want that spirit and courage which compleats a man: but loosing no time, I pursu’d him, and easily made my self possessor of what he had; Sirrah, said I, if e’re I meet thee again, and find thee so obstinate, or durst resist, as now thou hast done, I will tye thee to a Tree in some obscure place, where none can hear thy doleful cryes, and there for six days thou shalt have no other food but what I shall bring thee. Once a day during that term I will visit thee, and each days Meat shall be either a piece of thine own Sword broken into small bits, or those Bullets (which thou intendest for the destruction of honest men) dissolv’d, and mingled with Gunpowder, which shall be convey’d to thy mouth through the muzzle of thine own Pistol. It pleased me exceedingly to see how pitifully and submissively he look’t: for verily I durst not have utter’d half so much if he had shown an austere countenance.

As I was framing a lye to delude my Comerades (when I should meet them) into a belief how valiant I was, and dextrous in prosecution of that design I had newly undertaken, I lookt about me & saw them all at my elbow. I now believ’d (which I easily perceiv’d by their flearing looks) that they were all eye-witnesses of my dangerous encounter. Oh brother, said one, how is’t? are you well? I askt him the reason of his impertinent question? Because, said he, we took notice of the great danger you were in even now, narrowly escaped of being shot by a Pocket-Inkhorn. Without doubt, brother, you are very hard hearted to fly (riding full speed) at the very naming of, _Good Sir be merciful_. The poor harmless soul making frequent repetition thereof, but you stopping your ears from all intreaties, his Stone horse seem’d to be his advocate, and to that intent ran after your Mare, endeavouring to court her into an intercession for his Master.

I should never have stopt their mouths had I not shew’d them what I had gotten, which was not inconsiderable.

It was twy-light as we met with another Prize, which was of a different temper from the former. For though he and his fellow-traveller were (comparatively to any of us) but Pigmies, yet of so undaunted resolution and unresistable courage, that neither threats of death, or torture (I am confident) could dull the edges of their couragious spirits, which might be in part understood by their deportment to us: for had we not slasht, carbonadoed, and forceably bound them, rather then they would have yielded willingly, they would have stoopt to death. Our power having subdued them, we withdrew them into a secret place, leaving them not any thing valuable. Then did I learn to search with so strict care, that sooner might the Grand _Turk_ turn _Roman_ Catholick then conceal a penny from me; here was I taught to be deaf when the poor Traveller cries he is undone; and to be more flinty then Adamant, not to be mov’d with sighs or tears. Having ingag’d them by Oath not to follow us by Hue and Cry, or by means of a general rising of the Towns adjacent; these two fellows robbed, rifled and amazed, we left wrapt up in woes, and hasted away to secure ourselves.

I shall conclude this Chapter with a Relation how I was quit with my Comrades upon the account of fear or timorousness. Neither could they justly tax me with it, since they are things entail’d upon the profession. For every Crow that flies extracts a fear, and every thing that doth but stir, or make the bushes rush, seem’d to our fearful fancy a Constable to apprehend us for our Theft. I cannot forget how strong a confusion arose amongst us by a trifle; the means were so small, and the occasion so ridiculous, that when after I thought thereon (though by my self) I could not forbear laughing excessively, and condemn the temerity of such minds so meanly spirited. ’Twas thus in short: An Owle who to gain shelter from the troubles of a Sunshine day, when all the airy tribe (wandring) flock to him, screen’d himself in the obscure retired residence of an hollow tree; no sooner had he cloister’d up himself, but between discontent and something of a pleasing satisfaction he first utter’d his amazing screeks, being in a slumber, and dreaming of the assaults were made at him by his feather’d enemies of all sorts, and then again awaking, whoopt for joy that he was delivered from them; thus did he whoop and hollow incessantly, which infus’d such a terrour into our distrustful minds, that Whips, Switches and Spurs were all too few to expedite our hast. For we absolutely thought those Hollows were the out-cryes of the Country following us for what we had committed. We at length took Sanctuary in an Inn, where we had some interest and confidence in our security.

Understanding that our days work had been prosperous, our Host calls lustily for Sack, which the drawer doubles in the Bar; the Hostler must be one of our company too, and hail fellow with us, who knowing what courses we take, presume we dare not cavil, lest they betray our practises. _Sic nos non nobis._ So we rob for them, and not for our selves; for by that time we have profusely frolickt (a bill whereof shall be brought in of twice as much as we called for) and have bestowed our largesses to the Servants, and offer’d up our (expected) sacrifices to our Landlady, or her Daughter, for some private favour received, we find our selves to have the least share, and so betake our selves to our trade till apprehension take from us that liberty, and the Law sentenceth us to pay our lives as a just debt we owe to Justice.

CHAP. XXXII.

_Scouring the Road, he lights on a Farmers house which he
intended to rob, but desists from that resolution,
falling in Love with his Daughter, who was exceeding
beautiful; gets her with Child, under the pretence of
Marriage, but afterwards refusing it, She and her
Parents tax him with the undoing of the young Woman;
whereupon he leaveth them, giving them no other
satisfaction then what they could gather out of a Copy
of Verses he sent them._

Riding along the Road, I met with a young Girl with a Milk-Pail on her head, but I was amaz’d to see such perfection in one mortal face. I rid up to her very near, purposely to entertain some discourse with her, introductory to a future acquaintance: considering the ground, you may imagine the questions I propounded to this pretty Rural Innocent were frivolous enough; as, which was the readiest way to such a place, _&c._ which with much respect and modest confidence she resolv’d. She opening a gate to milk her Cows, I followed, and tying my horse to an hedge, I beg’d her an excuse for being so rude, and beseecht her charitable opinion of my present actions, assuring her I would not offer the least injury nor prejudice to her chastity. Being over-perswaded with my protestations and vows to that purpose, she admitted me to sit down and discourse with her whilest she performed the office of a Milk-maid. I could hardly contain my self within bounds when I viewed her pretty little hand _stroking the Duggs_, which indeed had so heightned my amorous passion, that I soon forgot my Oaths and Promises, but after some dalliance, what by intreaties and love-perswasions, and what by corporal strength, I obtained my desires. We then grew somewhat more familiar, but the burden of the Song was, _I had undone her_; let him that reads judge the truth thereof. We conclude at length that she should go home to her Fathers house, and that near night I would come thither likewise, according to the time appointed, as if I had never seen her before, and that I casually rid that way for information in the steering of my course regularly in the prosecution of my journey.

She subtilly goes in, and acquaints her Father and Mother that there was a Gentleman (without) whom by his countenance, garb and gesture, shew’d himself no less; that fearing to travel farther, being night, knowing not the way, desir’d to rest himself there till morning. With much respects from her Parents to her own great satisfaction (which I discern’d in her eyes) I was kindly entertain’d, and nobly treated. That night we intended to be better acquainted by the renovation of our late enjoyments; but our unlucky Starrs were impropitious to our amorous designs. Next morning I seem’d to be very ill, that I might have some pretence for my staying, which I acquainted the Daughter withal, the old people were very loving and courteous, so that as soon as they heard thereof, with much pitty they visited me, and with as much care they provided what was necessary for me. I offer’d them money, shewing good store of Gold, that they might have the better esteem of me. Thus I lay for at least a fortnight; several Doctors had been with me, but none knew my distemper. All this while I nightly had the society of my fresh Country Mistres, who deviated from the common customes of her Sex, did not coyishly refuse that which was the _center_ of her hopes, wishes and desires. Fearing least I might be suspected, I left off counterfeiting, and shew’d them some recovery of my strength. When at any time the good old people would come into my Chamber to sit with me, the main subject of my discourse would be the resentments of their favours, and that if I liv’d I would gratefully repay them. Being restor’d to my former healthful condition, I one day told them I could never recompence their love and care of me but by marrying their Daughter, whom I told them I loved most affectionately. Her Parents made many excuses. As that she was but a poor Country Girle, and the like, but glad I perceived they were to hear such an over-prized motion. Enquiries I made in a Neighbouring Town what this farmer was, whom I understood by all to be very wealthy, and that time was not more careful to furnish him with silver Hairs, then he industrious to maintain them by the procuration of a plentiful Estate: My wanton was his only Darling, for whom he furrowed the surface of the Earth, and for whom he chose rather to sell then to eat his better sort of Provision, that he might add to her Portion. It was now he thought he had well bestowed his labour, since he had met with such a blessed opportunity wherein he should add Gentility to his daughters riches. O the slaughter of Piggs, Geese, Capons, which as to some Idol were Sacrifices diurnally offered to procure my favour! And as he was liberal in his Food, so was not I sparing in the sending for Wine, six Dozen of Bottles at a time: So that the Old man was brought to this pass, that he cared not whether he spent his Estate on me, or gave it; and that young Girl so well pleased with her imaginary Paradise here, that I am confident she would never have been induced to have exchanged this for any other on equal terms. Inexpressable was our satisfaction on all hands, but nothing gave them greater content then to see us together, by which we had as many opportunities as we listed. My main aim was still to know of my young Mistress what store of Coyn her Father had, and where it lay, but to my great grief and vexation she told me he had not five pound within doors, having lately bought a purchase. I now thought it was to little purpose to stay longer, since I could not glean from her Fathers harvest, though I had reapt the _crop_ of her Mothers labour, and so resolved to be going, but not without one nights solemn leave taking of her. The night being come, she purposely stayed up till all the rest were gone to bed. But we being too imprudently hasty in the Kitchin, stumbled against two Barrels piled one on the other and fell; and we both were so intangled, that we could not disingage our selves so soon, but that her Father came out crying, _In the name of Goodness what is the matter?_ And groping about caught me by the naked breech. Seeing there was no remedy, I desired him to be silent; and not spread his Daughters disgrace; if so, I would make her shortly a recompence. The old man was very much perplext, and could not forbear telling his Wife of what had past. They both cryed out that their Daughter was undone: The Daughter was in the same tone, unless I would speedily marry her.

I stayed afterwards about some three dayes to colour the matter, and at last marcht off _incognito_, sending her twenty pieces of Gold, and a Coppy of Verses, which, although I knew they understood not, yet I could not but express my self by writing, if for nothing else but mine own satisfaction.

_Is it not strange thou and thy friends should say,
Thou art undone by me? Lets see which way.
Have I not done to my great toyl and pain,
What all thy friends cannot undo again.
Call but to mind the pleasures thou hast tasted,
The hours and minutes which with thee I wasted
To bring thee to perfection; and to teach
Thee learning, far above the Sexes reach.
Have I not taught thee oft’ Astronomy,
Within thy Mothers Garden, shew’d thee all
The Starry course, and Sphears Celestial.
Did I not teach thee Poetry that night
And how in Tripped Dactyls thou shouldst write.
I taught thee then _Geometry_, the notion
Of _length_ and _bredth_, _egality_, _proportion_
Of _Quadrant Triangles_; the way to enter
_Circles_, or _Semi-circles_; how the _Center_
Stands ever _fixt_, how that every _line_
_Direct_, or _oblique_, _circular_, or trine
Hath still its _ending_; how to take the _height_
Of any _blazing bearded Star_ by night.
I taught thee _Musicks harmony_ to know,
To keep _true time_, where thou shouldst _rest_, and how:
Learn’d thee likewise thy notes, _large_, _long_, & brief,
Prickt Minom, with a Crotchet, and the chief
Of the lov’d Art, good discant for to make
Upon a plain Song, _Discords_ also take
With a sweet close, and meltingly to fall
Into a Treble, ravishing withal.
I shew’d thee why Artists hold six _Cliffs_ best,
And why ’tis prized far above the rest,
Because it keeps the middst; the very _heart_
And Soul of Musick is the inner part.
Yet art undone thou saidst? Is to impart
The hidden secrets of mysterious art
Undoing to thee. Hadst thou ever spent
Thy means upon me, or thy money lent,
And had not paid the Int’rest back to thee,
Thou and thy friends might then have rail’d at me.
What wert thou before I knew thee, but an Ass,
A rude neglected home-spun Country lass,
Knowing not how to speak, to go or look,
But hide thy self when seen in every nook.
And blush, nay tremble if thou wert found out;
Strive to be gone again, scratch, cry, and pout
If one but touch thy Apron, and wouldst spit
In’s mouth should come to kiss thee: for thy wit
It did extend but unto no, and I,
Confess this truth, or else in faith you lye.
This was thy eloquence; why did I love thee?
Young, plump and fair thou wert, and that did move me.
I took thee and refin’d thee, made thee new,
Alter’d thy nature, chang’d thy former hew:
Taught thee to kiss, embrace, and entertain
A lover with that Sp’rit and catching vein,
The Goddess of delight in her own sport
May strive to equal thee, but must come short.
Where hadst thou all thy _breeding_ but from me?
Who _bound_ thee first, and now have made thee free?
Thy petulant discourse, and apish toying,
A change of humours, now a sullen coying,
All which I taught thee, which do make thee rare,
Now are thy Attributes as well as fair:
And what content is in a simpering fool,
A squeamish thing, she doth mans spirits cool;
Beats back the flowing current of his blood,
And ebbs it in the very spring or floud,
’Tis harsh to hear a School boy in one tone
Repeat his lesson like a Bagpipes drone,
But it doth ravish with delight the ear
Well worded and sweet languag’d lines to hear,
Pronounc’d by one hath skill and art to know
When he should raise his voyce, when bring it low.
For though a Poet write good Lines, it is
The speaker that doth make them hit or miss.
So though a Wench be nere so fair, so neat,
Or well proportion’d, if she wont the feat
Of acting well upon loves Theater,
It will not make mans loving passion stir.
She’s like one handsome in a splendid suit,
Onely to fit a Stage and play the Mute
And shall not go clapt off with frequent kisses,
The Lovers _plaudit_, but distastful _hisses_.
And such wert thou, when first I met with thee.
Now have I brought thee to thy _excellence_
With my excessive toyl, and dear _expence_
Of my best blood; and, added to thee more
Then was in all thy _Ancestors_ before
_Gentility_. I have enricht thy mind
With the chief Ornament of Woman kind
Behaviour: Taught thee to live and spend
Of thy own gettings, without help of friend.
And have I this ungrateful _Girle_ for all
That I have done to thee. Why dost thou call
Me thy _Undoer_. How e’re I will forgive,
For I’m in charity, and do believe
The onely cause why I am taxt so sore
With thy undoing, ’cause I do no more._

CHAP. XXXIII.

_From this Farmers house he rides he cared not whither, On
the Road he is strangely surprized by a Woman-robber in
Mans apparrel; He discovers it by unbuttoning her
Breeches to search for private Pockets within. They two
conclude a perpetual Friendship._

Abruptly taking my leave of the Farmer and his loving Daughter, I rid a long time, but met with none worthy of my taking Cognizance: being wearied, I struck into an Inn, and by that time I had throughly refresht my self, the evening began to approach. Whereupon I mounted, and so put on, Passing by a small Coppice in a bottom between two Hills, a Gentleman (as I then supposed) well armed, and handsomely accoutred, started out upon me, and bid me deliver instantly. Hearing him say so, I told him if he would have but the patience I would; and with that drew out a Pocket-Pistol and fired it at him, without doing any execution. If you are for a little sport (said the Gentleman) I shall show you some instantly; whereupon drawing a Pistol he shot me into the leg: having so done, with his Sword (which hung ready at his wrist) neatly at a blow he cut the reins of my bridle, so that I was not able to guide my horse. But he being good at command, and used to the charge, with the winding of my body I gave him to understand what he was to do. Come Sir, said my adversary, have you enough yet? In faith Sir, said I, I’le exchange but one Pistol more, and if that prove insuccessful I shall submit to your mercy. Whereupon I shot, but missed my mark, however I killed his Horse, which instantly fell: my Gentleman was so nimble, that before I could think what to do, he had sheathed his sword in my Horses belly, which made me come tumbling down too with a _Horse-pox_. Once more, said my Antagonist, we are upon equal terms, and since the obscurity of the place gives us freedom, let us try our courages, one must fall. And thereupon with his Sword (which was for cut and thrust) he made a full pass at my bodie; but putting it by I closed in with him, and upon the Hug threw him with much facility; I wondered much at it; which I need not have done, since his nature (as afterwards I understood) was so prone to it. Having him down, Now, Sir, said I, I shall teach you to be careful on whom you set: you have as imprudently undertaken this enterprize as a _Pickeroon_ did once, who seeing a Man of War high built, and but few men aboard her discoverable, her Port-holes being likewise fast, clapt her aboard immediately, thinking she had been a Merchantman; but they found the contrary, the deck being instantly filled with men that were below, and running out her Guns there could be no wisdom in resistance. Wherefore now Sir yield, or I shall compel you. With much reluctancy he did. With cords I had ready for that purpose, I tyed both his hands and feet, and so fell to rifling him. Unbuttoning his Doublet to find whether there was no Gold quilted therein, I wondered to see a pair of Breasts so unexpectedly greater and whiter then any mans; but being intent about my business, that amazement vanisht from my thoughts. Then did I come to his breeches (which I laid open) my curious search omitted not any place wherein I might suspect the concealment of moneys: at last proffering to remove his shirt from between his legs, he suddenly cryed out (and strove to lay his hand there, but could not) I beseech you Sir be civil, said he: I imagining that some notable _Treasure_ lay there obscured, I pulled up his shirt (_alias_ Smock) and found my self not much mistaken.

The sight so surprized me, as if I had been converted into a Statue by the head of a _Gorgon_, but after a little pause, I hastily unbound her, and taking her in my Armes, Pardon me most couragious _Amazon_, (said I) for thus rudely dealing with you, it was nothing but ignorance that caused this errour; for could my dim-sighted soul have distinguisht what you were, the greatness of love and respect I bear your Sex would have deterred me from contending with you. But I esteem this my ignorance, my greatest happiness, since knowledge in this case would have deprived me of the benefit of knowing there could be so much Prowess in a Woman. For your sake I shall ever retain (since you have restored it) a good esteem of the worst of Females. She beg’d me not to be too tedious in my expressions, nor pump for eloquent phrases, alledging this was no proper place to make Orations in. But if you will enlarge your self, let us go to a place not far distant from this, better known, but to few besides my self. I liked her advice very well, and returning what I had taken from her, I followed it, by following her through divers obscure passages till we came to a Wood, where in a place the Sun had not seen since the first deluge, stood an House. At our approach the Servants were all in a hurry who should first obey Mrs. _Virago’s_ commands, for they all knew her, being no way estranged to her disguise, but wondered to see St. _George_, and his trusty Esquire on foot, neither durst they show themselves inquisitive presently: with much respect we were conducted into a very stately room, where embracing each other, we knit an indissolvable tye of friendship.

CHAP. XXXIV.

_After Supper they enter in Discourse, wherein she giveth
him a short account of her Life, and the cause of her
undertaking such an extravagant and dangerous course;
relating how notably she revenged her self on her
Husband for his unworthy and base carriage towards her._

Having refresht ourselves with what the House afforded, and Bottles and Pipes had supplied the place of Dishes; we dialogu’d as familiarly, as if our acquaintance had bore equal date with our nativities. And now it was she laid her self open to me, not concealing any thing, having before made my self acquainted with her greatest Secret. Frankly she called for Bottles of Wine, which we smartly drank together out of Beer-glasses: had not Supper been speedily provided, which required a cessation for some time, I should not have been in a condition to discern the Dish, nor him that brought it to the Table. Having taken some repast, I began to be refresht, she not in the least disturbed all this while.