Chapter XII: Part 12

_I cannot blame you so much as my self; it is customary for man
to proffer, but then it should be a womans duty to refuse: but
alas! how could I withstand the powerful perswasions of your
eloquent tongue, especially when they carried with them so much
seeming reality of affection and constancy? I finde you now like
other vow-breaking men, who having obtained the fruition of
their desires, their appetite nauseates that which before it so
eagerly crav’d. Call to minde those many endeared and melting
expressions you did voluntarily utter, when I was encircled in
thine arms; and if that will not reduce you to your former
station, and good esteem of me, now so much slighted by you,
consider that I have preferred you in love before my Husband,
not caring how much I wronged him to pleasure you. If nothing
will prevail, know then, this shall be my resolution, that since
you have alienated my affection from my Husband, and you thus
unworthily desert me, I will procure a Subject elsewhere shall
out-do you in every thing, as much or more as you have out-done
my Husband. I am young, plump, handsome, and bucksome; what then
should hinder me from enjoying such a person, my heart will not
rest satisfied till I have found? which having done, he shall
lead me in thy view, and then it is probable you will desire,
but never shall re-assume your place again within my breast._

Farewel.

This Letter was sent to her Mother-in-law in the Country, who was glad she had matter to impeach her daughter to her son. Assoon as he saw the Letter, he very well knew the hand, he thought, and would have sworn it to be his wifes: but reading the contents, the poor man was ready to sink down for grief. Perturbation of minde would not let him rest in his Country-dwelling, but rid up Post to _London_, where he soon found out his wife. The unexpected sight of him at first surprised her, not hearing of his coming, and knowing that his occasions were very urgent in the country: however, like a truly-loving wife, she was over-joy’d to see him, and would have kiss’d him, but that he rudely thrust her off; which action struck her to the heart, and overwhelmed her in amazement. Prethee, Sweetheart (said she) what is the matter? There, read it, said he, throwing her the Letter. She read it, and swounded. He let her lie, not caring whether she liv’d or dy’d; and had dy’d indeed, had not her Maid come up accidentally. Being recover’d, he ask’t her whether it was her hand. She could not deny it: which made the man rage, ready to run out of his wits, whilst she was silent with astonishment, taking such inward grief, that she betook her self to her bed. Nothing could comfort her, neither would she take any thing to sustain life. Hearing how powerfully my forgeries had wrought, to the hazard of somes lives; in the same hand I sent him a Letter, wherein I gave him an account of the designe, proclaiming to the world this Gentlewomans honesty, unspotted and unstain’d. The Gentlewoman recover’d in a little time after; but this trick had too much seiz’d upon my Gentleman; for like a fool he fell distracted in a sneering posture, as pleas’d to think his wife was honest _notwithstanding_. I have been somewhat long in this relation, because it was a passage very remarkable. Now I shall tell you how I cheated a young Citizen and an Upholster.

CHAP. XLIX.

_How he cheated a young Citizen newly set up, and an
Upholster._

A young Citizen about to set up, and wanting some money, was directed to me, to procure so much as his present occasion required. I treated him very civilly, promising him very fairly; and in order thereunto, appointed him a day; which being come, contrary to my expectation or desire, he brought a crew with him, to see the receipt of the money. Judging this time inconvenient for my designes, I told him I expected the money this very day; but if he pleased to seal the Bond, and have it witnessed, he might keep it himself; and bringing the Bond with him the next day, he should not fail to have his money. The next day he came to the place appointed, where I was ready to wait him. As good fortune would have it, he came alone. I discours’d with him a while: at last I desired him to let me see the Bond; which he delivered into my hand, being sign’d and seal’d before. I took this as a good and lawful livery, and put it up into my pocket. He asked me what I meant. I told him he should know when the Bond became due. Why Sir, said he, you will not serve me so? Dost thou think I am such a fool, said I, to lend thee so much money upon a piece of paper, which next Showre of rain will wash away with thy self into the common Shore? Shall I trust thee, when thou canst not trust thy self? At this the young man began to be clamorous; but one of my accomplices soon still’d the Clapper of his mouth, by a sound knock on the pate, which laid him asleep: and in the mean time we marcht off. Just as the money came due upon the Bond, my flock-pated Cit was gone to tell his friends in the Country the danger of Counters and Prisons in the Citie. At another time I wanted money to supply my present occasions, but could not instantly think of any other means of assistance in this necessity, but to sell my Featherbed, together with its appurtenances. Whereupon I packt them up, and desired a friend to go with the Porter, and sell them to an Upholster. My friend did so, and brought me half their worth; but withal, that which was more then their worth, the mans name. A week after, I wanted my bed, and resolved to have it again. To that end, I went to him that bought it, and asked him before a couple that I took with me, whether at such a time he had not such commodities sold him. He acknowledged that he had. I desired to see them: and he as readily granted it. Sir, said I, these are my Goods: I was lately robb’d, and now I know you are the Receiver: I must have you before a Justice, to know how you came by them. The naming of a Justice so terrified this silly fellow, that he bid me take them if I would swear they were mine, and put him to no further trouble. I swore they were mine, (and therein I was not perjur’d) but told him I could not receive stollen Goods safely, though they were mine own. In short, I recovered my Bed and furniture, with money to boot.

CHAP. L.

_He is at last met withal, and laid up in Prison by one of
his Creditors. The abuses and tricks Sergeants use to
arrest men. Lastly, he escaped, by putting a trick upon
his Keeper._

Having gone thus far without any remarkable check or controul, at least any such as might bear a proportion with the villanies and injuries I had done, I absolutely thought that nothing was dishonest or difficult that had in it either pleasure or profit. Meeting with no molestation or hinderance, I took my freedom to do even what I listed. One time thinking my self most secure, I then found my self in the greatest danger, being arrested in an Action of 5000 _l._ Several times there were attempts made to take me, but I was still too cunning for them: yet at last they over-reacht me; it will not be amiss to relate in what manner. They had information, that every week I had Letters come to me out of _Essex_, and that the Porter which brought them had still free admittance to me: wherefore the Serjeant provided himself a Frock, and a Rope about his middle, which would better have become his neck, and with Letters in his hand directed to me, trudged to my lodging. Knocking at my door, and being demanded his business, he told them he had Letters for the master of the house, nominating me. Looking out, and seeing no one but a seeming Porter, I order’d that he should be let in. Assoon as he was enter’d, he bid my Worship good morrow, and in stead of delivering me his Letters, shewed me his Mace; which I wisht might be the onely spice and meat too he should eat for a twelvemonth. Seeing how I was betraid, I went quickly along with him to the Compter; and afterwards, finding I could make no composition with my Creditors, turned my self over to the _Kings-Bench_. Various are their tricks and inventions to ensnare whom they intend to arrest. Sometimes I have known a Creditor seem to comply with his Debtor, telling him that paying some inconsiderable matter, his Bonds should be renewed with longer time: then appoint him a place of meeting, where he saith he will bring a Counsellor and Scrivener; a Counsellor to advise them in management of their business, and a Scrivener to write what they determined. He acquainted a Serjeant and a Yeoman with his Plot, who were as hot upon it, as an _Italian_ on a Wench of Fifteen. The Serjeant going with a Barresters Gown on his back, and the Yeoman with his beard cut as close as a Stubble-Field, with a Pen in his ear, and some Parchment in his hand, effected their designe without suspition. A Merchant I knew, that intended to break and go beyond Sea, was betraid by his servant, who informed his Creditors that just at such a time his Master would be gone; that on the morrow he would send for Coopers to hoop some Dry-fats to pack his goods; and that if ever they hoped to have their money, they must make that their time. Some Sergeants were presently acquainted herewith, who attired like Coopers in red caps, canvase breeches, with Ads in their hands, and hoops about their shoulders, went to the Merchant, and were entertained whilst he was giving them direction; but in stead of hooping the Dry-fats, they hoopt him in their arms, and arrested him. Before they parted with him, they made him part with so much money as would satisfie his Creditors and them; and made him fee them besides, not to enter any more Actions against him. They will change themselves into as many shapes as _Proteus_, to bring about their designes: sometimes like a grand wealthy Citizen, othertimes like a Country fellow newly come to town, with boots and spurs all dirty. Now as I have related their manner of arresting, so let me in short inform you of their using (or rather abusing) prisoners. First they enquire of the person whether it be the first time he was arrested: if so, then they know the better how to deal with him: perhaps they will carry him to the Tavern, pretending to do him kindness, where they will advise him to send for some friend; and one of them will be the Porter himself; but in stead of fetching the friend, he only enquires out his Creditors, and perswades them to use this opportunity to recover their debt: mean while, the other that is left behinde doth _milk_ him. The messenger returning, sorrowfully tells him his friend is not at home. Getting as much as they can by spunging, and sucking the very _heart-bloud_ of his pocket, the Compter must be his refuge at last. Sometimes, when they see a man in fear of Arresting, they will without warrant of the Creditor give him a cast of his Office, which they often do before they enter their Action; and have ways to prevent any mischief that can come by search of the Offices. Other times, for a fee, they will send to the party to keep out of the way, as was concluded beforehand. Oftentimes, upon an Arrest, if the Creditor stand not by, they will let the partie escape for a Brace of _Angels_, or so; and tell his adversary that he cannot set eye on him. And whereas their Fee for an Arrest is to be but 1 _s._ yet will they hardly be perswaded to do their Office under a _Crown_: and albeit the Statute say that the partie arrested shall pay but one _Groat_, I will not excuse him for an _Angel_. If a man oppose them, or endeavour an escape, they will both _gripe_ and _pinch_ him, and afterwards clap an Action of _Assault and Battery_ on him at their own Suit. I could say more of them, but that for fear, I must be favourable, who am now, as I tell you, a prisoner in the _Kings Bench_, which may be called _The Bankrupts Banquetting-house_, where he feasts himself on dishes borrowed from other mens tables; or, _The Prodigals Purgatory_, and _A Pesthouse for decaying Citizens_. Weary of this place, wherein are as many maladies and mischiefs as flew out of _Pandora’s_ box opened by _Epimetheus_; I invented this stratagem: One day I pretended much business abroad, and so got leave to go out with my Keeper, resolving not to return with him. Having been from Tavern to Alehouse, and so to Tavern again, pretending the dispatch of much business, I at length told my Keeper, that I would visit a very dear friend of mine, but that I thought it requisite to be trim’d first. He consenting, we went to a Barbers. I sat down in the Chair first; and being dispatcht, I desired the Keeper to sit down too, and I would pay for _sprucifying_ his _Phisnomy_. Whilst he was trimming, I talkt of one thing or other, to hold him in discourse. At last said the Barber, _Shut your eyes, or else my ball will offend them_. Shutting his eyes, I took an occasion to slip out, planting my self in an house hard by; the Barber not imagining I was a prisoner. The Keeper not hearing me talk, valued not the smart, but opened his eyes; and seeing me not in the shop, rose up, and that so hastily, that he overthrew _Cutbeard_, and the bason on him, running out into the street with the Barbers cloth about him, and _Don Barberoso’s Turbant_ on his head. The people seeing him thus with the froth about his face, concluded him mad, and as he ran gave him the way. The Barber with his Razor ran after the Keeper, crying, _Stop him, stop him, that I may be revenged on the Rogue_. The other nere minding the Outcry, ran staring up and down as if his wits had lately stole away from him, and he in pursuit of them. Some durst not stop him, others would not, thinking the Barber by his posture intended to have his Testicles for abusing his wife. To conclude, the Barber at last seis’d him, and having recovered his cloaths, and made him pay 6 d. for shaving, the Keeper was dismist with a kick or two in the arse; the Barber not suffering him to speak a word in his own defence. Thus freeing my self, I resolv’d to take the Country-air, where I happily met with you. Many other things worthy remembrance did he relate, which now I have forgot. Some while we staid together; but at last his business call’d him one way, and my _Padding Trade_ invited me another.

CHAP. LI.

_He is laid up in _Oxford_-Goal by his Host, he is cheated
at Chester; and after some time is ransomed thence by
some of his Comrades, Knights of the _Road_, they paying
his Debts._

Our Crew having been abroad, we had got a valuable Purchase; which after we had divided, I told them, that I would but visit a friend at _Oxford_, and repair to them again within two or three days. My old Acquaintance being overjoy’d to see me, after so long absence, treated me very gallantly, introducing me into the society of the Wits; who would frequently drink too, till they had lost them. The Company pleased me so well, that I thought it a solecism in civility to be sober, when they made any appointment for mirth; and they being true _Bacchanalians_, in the uppermost Classes of _Aristippus’s_ School, scorn’d to be outvy’d by a junior Sophister; and therefore, do what I could, they would be drunk before me: they never contended about any argument that tended to ebriety, but swallowed them all. I thought they would never have done speaking of Sack; every one endeavouring who should express most in its praise. One said, _That Diogenes was but a dry fellow_; and the only reason he could give for it, was, _That it is shrewdly suspected by the Commentators on his Tub, that that wooden-house of his was given him by a Beer-brewer, who being a enemy to all good wits and learning, gave him this Cask, which formerly had contained that pernicious liquor, Beer, that by the meer scent he might destroy his understanding_. But _Bacchus_ is so witty a Philosopher, that he never fails, night nor day, to pour forth his instructions, till he hath filled his auditors out of measure; it is he that makes us speak fluently, and utter our minds in abundance: for my part, I am commonly so overjoyed in his company, that I have often feared I should never be my own man again. Said another, It is Sack was the _Promethean_ fire, not stoln from _Jove’s_ Kitchin, but his Wine-cellar, to increase the native heat, without which we are but cold clay; but that celestial liquor applyed even to the dead, will cause a revivification: this is it which gave _Ganymede_ beauty, and _Febe_ youth. Can you think, that ever _Aristotle_ would have been taken notice of, had he drank Ale or Beer; or, that _Alexander_’s conquests had been heard of, had he been sober? therefore to make his Captains famous to posterity, he taught them how to muster Quarts and Pottles, and by accustoming them to be dead-drunk, shewed them the way to contemn death. All this is true (said another, so drunk, that what he spake could hardly be understood) but pray take my opinion with you too: do not all light things ascend? what better way is there to understand high matters, then a light head? _Copernicus_ by the lightness of his head, claimed alliance with heaven, and by that first found out the motion of the earth; which he could never have done, had not Sack been his instructor. Hence grew the Proverb, _In vino veritas_, as if Sack were the only Butt truth shoots at, the piercing of which causeth the other to be drawn out with it. For my part Gentlemen, said I, my passion was never more stirred then the other day, comming by a red-lettice, unto which I have a natural antipathy: there did I hear a Tapster aver, that _Helicon_ was nothing more then an Hogs-head of March-beer, and that _Pegasus_ was anciently a Dray-horse; and then speaking of _French_ wine, in derision, called him frisking _Monsieur_; and the _Spanish, Don Rhodomontado_; swearing that if ever he met with either, he would challenge all the Drawers in the Town to dash him as he would. Then tumbling out two or three small-beer oaths, he wisht that he might never look through his red-lettice Percullice, if he did not verily believe he should see _Monsieur_ burn’d with a pox to him, and _Spanish Don_ mull’d to death with butter and eggs.

_It is a thing beyond my reason,
That we strong Ale for Sack should quit,
Since ’twould have blown us up by treason,
Had not Ale bestirr’d our wit:
Then give us Ale, but banish Sack;
That _Spanish Don_ must have the rack._

I could do no less for his malepertness, but broach his Hogs-head, which to convince him of his error, ran Terse Claret: I heard afterwards, this accident converted the Infidel. We spun out various discourses of this nature, as long as we could see, and then each man reel’d to his respective lodging. The next morning, walking abroad to finde out some of my last nights associates, unfortunately my _Chester_-Landlord (who having some business to do in _Oxford_, was newly come thither to dispatch it) espy’d me, and without accosting me (like a subtile Sophister) watcht me whither I went: being housed, he presently fetcht two Officers, and coming out into the street napt me. I sent to those friends that had been so merry with me ever since my coming to that City; but they understanding the business, came not neer me; one pretending indisposition of body; another, that he was not within; a third, that he was about urgent occasions, which having finisht, he would wait upon me; but in fine, none came to my relief, shewing themselves right pot-companions, whose courtesies it may be, shall extend to the payment of a Reckoning, when their friend wants it to discharge it himself; but disappear and vanish, when their assistance is implored to draw him out of Prison. Seeing no remedy, I patiently suffer’d my self to be confined. My adversary visiting me, I treated with him about my releasment, offering him what I had, which was neer upon half; but his resolution was to have all, or there I must lie. Though I could not much condemn him, yet I could not but complain against the inconstancy of Fortune; and ruminating within my mind the miseries that attend all sorts of prisons, I judged that of Debt to be the most deplorable; and though I wanted liberty, which commonly doth depress the mind, yet by the vertue of Canary (which I could not be without) my fancy scorned to be fetter’d, but would in spite of fate, use her freedom. ’Tis some kind of pleasure and comfort, for a man sometimes in adversity, to descant on his own miserable condition; which because I found experimentally true, I applied my self to my usual custom, the use of my pen, differencing these Metropolitan Prisons thus:

_To _Bedlam_ men are sent bereft of wit;
When ’tis restored, then they are freed from it:
Confin’d to _Newgate_ long, men can’t complain,
For once a month they’re cleer’d from it and pain;
In a short time their Bolts wear off, and then
They may be sure ne’re to come there agen;
Discharged thence their fettered souls shall be,
Only an hour confin’d, and then set free.
_Bridewell_, no wiseman yet did e’re dispraise thee,
For thou dost feed the poor, correct the lazy;
The expiration of a little time,
Forgives offenders, and forgets their Crime.
Hereafter from the Prison, Heav’n defend me;
Rather to _Bedlam_, _Newgate_, _Bridewel_, send me;
For there Wit, Work, or Law doth set men free,
Nothing but Money here gets liberty._

Having lain here above a week, I sent away a Letter to my Brethren, informing them of my misfortune, and acquainting them with the sum I was imprisoned for; which was sent me by them, and brought by one of our trusty Knights: paying my Debts and Fees, I returned again to them.

CHAP. LII.

_He returns to his Brethren the Knights of the _Road_, whom
he finds with two or three Gentlemen, strangers; he
cheats one of them of a very fair and rich Watch._

My Companions took little notice of me at my return, which made me think there was some design in hand; but according to their usual course, fell to drink high: observing two or three faces, I tipt a wink to one of my Brethren, being in another room; I asked him, who they were; he replied, Gentlemen that were travelling into the _North_; to which he added, We have been pumping them (ever since we did thrust our selves into their company) to know what store of Cash they had about them; but we find little more then will defray their necessary expences on the Road; only, said he, there is one of them hath a very rich Watch: I bid him return to his place, and I would warrant him to have it before he stirred. I came in again to the company, not taking the least cognizance of any, but shewed much respect and civility to them all, as a stranger; I purposely askt what it was a clock: one of the Gentlemen, and of my friends both, pulled forth their Watches, striving who should first give me satisfaction to my question; after this, they viewed interchangeably the workmanship of one & the other, both praising the seeming goodness of each others Watch. At last my friend makes a proposition; Come, Sir, if you please we will make an exchange upon sentence and repentance. The stranger desired to understand his meaning: Why, Sir, said he, we will commit them both into the hands of any one indifferent person, and what difference he shall judge there is between them, shall be given in money by him whose Watch is least worth. It was concluded upon; but they could not agree into whose hands to put them. At last it was mutually agreed upon between them, that I being a stranger to them both, should be the decider: I seemingly refused it, but they would not hear me alledge any arguments to the contrary; whereupon I went out, and immediately causing my horse to be brought forth, without the least delay I mounted, and away I rid. My Comrades knew where to meet me at the next stage. The next morning they found me out, telling me how they all stormed to be so cheated, to avoid suspition: and now did they all embrace me, promising to themselves great hopes in me from this adventure.

CHAP. LIII.

_He puts a notable Trick upon a Physician._

Near adjacent to our general randezvous, I was informed of the habitation of a wealthy Physician, who had shewed himself fortunately expert in divers Cures, where it seemed that humane art had not sufficient power to give a remedy. The fame of his great skill, and of many admirable cures, which to the shame of other Physicians, he had performed, made him so generally beloved and sought after, that in a short time he purchased by his sanatory industry, above 500 _l._ _per annum_, and seldom had less by him then a thousand pound. Thus much I casually understood from one accidentally, speaking of this his rich Neighbour: but that which pleased me most was, that (as he said) he seldom carried less then an 100 pieces of gold about him constantly, proceeding from a fancy derived from an extream love he bore that Metal. I could not sleep for contriving a way how I might disembogue this Urinal of what it contained: sometimes I way-laid him in his return; but he was so well esteemed of, that he seldom returned home without two or three Gentlemen to accompany him. At another time I thought to have pretended some distemper, and so have applied my self to him for Cure; and imagining that he would privately discourse with me about my Malady, that then I would present a Pistol to his breast, swearing, that should be his immediate and unavoidable Executioner, if he did not without the least noise or resistance, deliver such a quantity of Gold; but this way I could not approve of, it being accompanied with so much hazard. At last I thought of this stratagem, which safely produced its effect: One day after dinner I rid to his house (seemingly) in extream haste, which he might perceive not only by my own affrighted looks, but by my horse, which was all of a foam. I askt his servant, with much quickness, whether Mr. Doctor was within; yes, Sir, (said he) if you please to walk in, I shall call him to you. I waited some time (for most of that profession must take some state upon them) and then Mr. Doctor came. Sir, (said I) the report of your great experience in your happy Practice hath brought me hither, humbly imploring your assistance, and that instantly, if you have any respect to the preservation of life: the trouble I shall put you to, shall be gratefully recompensed to the utmost of my ability. The Doctor inquired of me, whom it was, and what manner of distemper the person laboured under. I readily told him, it was my Wife, who for some continuance of time, had been extreamly troubled with the flux of her Belly; the more that is applied to it by us, the more it increaseth; wherefore, our help failing, I beseech you lend us yours, and favour me so far as to ride with me to her. The seeming sincerity of my words prevailed upon him, as they would have done upon the most distrustful. This Doctor (who as I was informed, was accustomed to be induced more by gain, then fair words) gave me this desirable answer: Sir, far be it from me that I should refuse to do my endeavour to any person whatever, much less to a Gentleman of your rank and quality, in that little skill which I have in the knowledge and practice of Physick: if I can effect any thing for the good of the good Gentlewoman your Wife, I will attend you thither with a very good will, which at any time my charge requireth. Without attending any further discourse, his horse was made ready, and so we rid away together. As we rid through a small Wood, leading him the way, I turned my horse about, and clapt a Pistol to his breast, shewing him withal an empty bag: See here, Sir, (said I) my Wife, which hath a long time been troubled with a flux or vomiting, which you please, the last I think more proper; for she no sooner receives anything for her (and my) sustenance, but she immediately brings it up again at her mouth. Now Sir, if you do not find out some means to mitigate this distemper (the cure I shall never expect, as knowing it impossible) this Pistol shall send you to _Æsculapius_, to consult with him what is most fit to be administred: come, Sir, let me advise you, and save your self the trouble of so long a journey; your gold (an hundred pieces as I am told) are the constant attending Esquires of your body; I say, that is the best and only _Recipe_ for a remedy. The Doctor perceiving there was no help, in much amazement and fear delivered me what gold he had about him, which was neer upon the sum exprest: there was a rich Diamond-Ring on his finger, which I desired him likewise to give me, which should serve for a perpetual _memorandum_ of his kindness to me. I commanded him, as he tendred his life, to ride back again, without so much as once looking behinde him; and that if he offered to raise the Country, if I was sure to die that instant, I would be the death of him first. The Doctor followed my dictations so exactly, that I never heard more of him.

CHAP. LIV.

_He falls in love with a wealthy Widow, who is poetically
inclined; he courts her, and in a short time enjoys her,
and after that ingratefully leaves her, carrying away
what ready money she had._

Having gained so much money by my own industry and sole procurement, I resolved neither to acquaint my Brethren therewith, nor associate my self any longer with them, being so encouraged by this success, that I concluded I might atchieve gallant things by my self: being belated one night, & some miles from any town, I knockt at an house that stood in my road, imagining it at first a publick house for entertainment; one of the servants coming to the door, I found it no such thing: she demanded my business: Prithee sweet heart (said I) acquaint your Master, that there is a Gentleman requests the civility of a nights lodging: she goes in and informs her Mistress what I said; who came to me with much respect, telling me, She questioned not but I was a Gentleman, and therefore should be welcome to the mean accommodation she was capable of shewing. I rendred her many thanks, and so alighted; strict order was given to the Groom, that he very carefully lookt after my horse: this being done, I was conducted into a very fair room; there did I make my apology in the best Rhetorick I had, for I perceived she was endued with ingenuity, by the quaintness of her expressions; _Ex pede Herculem_: Many things I forged, as that the ways being dangerous, I was fearful to adventure any farther, having a great charge upon me. Such was her urbanity, that laying aside all niceties, she bore me company till it was time to go to bed, entertaining me all this while with what the house afforded, which was beyond my expectation. Every glass of wine, or bit almost, that I committed to my mouth, she ushered thither with some Apothegm or other: the whole series, indeed, of her discourse, was composed of nothing but reason or wit, which made me admire her; which she easily understood, I perceived by her smiles, when she observed me gaping, as it were, when she spoke, as if I would have eaten up her Words. As her soul was beautiful, sparkling with celestial ornaments, so was the caskanet that contained it very fair, and enricht with Natures chiefest gifts: She was very clear skin’d, well bodied; a sharp piercing eye, a proportionable face, an exceeding small and white hand; and then she lispt a little, which became her so well, that methought it added a grace to the rest of her internal and external qualifications. Being about ten o’clock, she advised me to repose my self, supposing I was weary. I condescended, though with much regret to leave her so soon; but good manners would not permit me to do otherwise. She conducted me to my Chamber, where bidding me good night, she betook her self to her own Chamber. That night I could hardly sleep, not so much for pure love, as the heat of lust; next morning, very early, I heard her stirring, which made me wonder; but she told me afterwards, that she got up so soon, fearing I should have gone away, and she not take her leave of me. About eight in the morning, the Maid brought me up a Sack-posset; and a little after, her Mistress came, courteously saluting me, and enquiring how I slept: I return’d an answer, in as handsom terms I could utter: her eyes plainly discovered to mine, that she had more then a common respect for me. Having left me a while, I arose, and made my self ready for my journey: after several discourses which she had ingaged me in, purposely to delay time, with much gratitude I took my leave, she attending me to the court: my horse being brought out, halted down-right (she had caused him to be prickt in the foot, to the intent I might stay longer.) Not knowing what to say or do, Well, Sir, said she, since the unhappy accident hath fallen out so unexpectedly, make use of my house, & what is in it, till your horse be recover’d of his lameness. This was a proposition that my soul longed for; wherefore I could not but shew much satisfaction in the acceptation of this proffer. We walkt in again, & prosecuted for diversion sake our former discourse, interlining it with some love-touches at a distance, which she would frequently descant on pleasantly. We in this short time became intimately acquainted; which need not be much wondred at, considering the greatness of sympathy between us; so that now the conquest of her appeared not any ways difficult. Having talkt ourselves weary, Come, said she in a very familiar manner, I will shew you the product of some idle hours; and with that brought me several Epitaphs, Elegies, Anagrams, Anacrosticks, Epigrams, _&c._ of her own composition, too many here to relate; but for their wit, deserved to have each line characterized in gold; some I would here insert, were not the radiant lustre of her conceits so great and glorious, that they would absolutely extinguish the dim-sightedness of my fancy. Having viewed them, I could not but applaud them, as their due merit; and I was glad I had this happy occasion to vent my own thoughts, which I tacitly insinuated in these lines, reflecting on her from what I had read.

_Sisters thrice three I’ve read of, and no more,
Till your quick wit compleated half a Score:
Since you are one, let me perswade you then,
Be kind to me, for they are kind to men.
Dearest, be like them, they are soft and blithe;
Let who will love the nine, give me the tithe._

These lines so powerfully wrought upon her, that she could not forbear to tell me, that she was much obliged to me for what I had writ. You cannot Madam, said I, cancel your obligation, till you have made some recompence: with that, said she smilingly, What will content you? The continuance of your favour Madam, is the utmost ambition of my desires. You have it Sir; neither can I deny any deserving man a thing so inconsiderable. By your favour Madam, love I mean. I never was so uncharitable, said she, to be out of love with any. I was glad to hear her reply so merrily: for a fort which so capitulateth, is half surrendered. Since I had broke the ice, I was resolved to prosecute my design; wherefore in plain English I told her, that I loved her from the first interview, so ardently, that my constancy should prove the reality of my affection: she desired me to leave that to the test of time; that should she believe me suddenly before she had made tryal, she should not only loose the good estimation she had gained by the prudent and discreet management of her affairs, every one accusing her for too much credulity, but thereby it may be involve her self in a Labyrinth of all manner of troubles. Tryal, said I, you shall have: and knowing the manner of courting a widow, a tryal I gave her, knowing that Parleys operate little on a widow, and there is nothing sooner gains a conquest then a storm or a resolute assault. This action made her so firmly mine, that I durst not speak of leaving; which when I did at any time, her Soul was ready to leave its ancient habitation to attend on me. Some two months we spent in all manner of self-pleasing delights, till at last I begun to be tyred with her too frequent invitations; the more I endeavoured to satisfie her, the further I was from it. Not only by her, but by others, this experiment I found, that the oftner I treated them, the more eagerly and earnestly they desired it. Being now incapacitated to hold out in this manner longer, I thought it high time to be gone, but not without sufficient recompence for my service. She daily sollicited me to marry her, which I promised her from time to time, waiting an opportunity when I might become master of her treasure. One day in a frollick, and the more to encourage me to make a speedy consummation of our loves by marriage, she shewed me all her writings which concerned her estate (by which I found her to be so wealthy a fortune, that I often times curst my unhappy stars, that they had thus debar’d me from the complement of so great a bliss.) After this, she shews me a trunk wherein was contained her cash: then taking me about the neck with such fervency of affection, that I thought she would have strangled me, & with the repetition of kisses, she smiling, askt me, whether these things satisfied me or not. I told her they did, but they were not to stand in competition with her most affected self: with that she gave me the keys of that trunk wherein her money was, and in retaliation, I vowed to marry her in four days. In the mean time I studied how I might be gone, but could not contrive a way, she not induring me to be out of her sight. In fine, I feigned some indisposition of body, and that I would ride two or three miles for the benefit of the fresh air, and return: with much willingness she consented. Just as I was about to take horse (having furnished my self with as much mony as I could well carry without discovery) she wept bitterly (as having I think a prophetick Spirit.) I ask’d her the cause of her discontent: all bathed in tears, she answered me with a deep sigh, I shall never see you more: Hard-hearted man: can you thus leave a woman that loves you thus dearly, nay, that dotes on you? I made many protestations to the contrary; which were not believed. Seeing that I could not prevail on her belief, I bad her farewell, setting spurs to my horse, and was out of sight in an instant. I could not but condemn my self extreamly for this inhumane action: but considering that there is no slavery greater then that of the smock, I soothed my self up in mine own unworthiness; passing by a little Ale-house, I called in, and over a pot of Ale I composed these ensuing lines, which I sent to her by a messenger I procured in the house, directed thus:

_Deliver these to the fair hands of _Mrs. Pulcheria Tickleman_,
at her dwelling-house, near _Redding_._

The Contents were these, or to this purpose.

Madam,
_A Poetess you are, and Prophet too,
Thus to divine I’m gone from you
Eternally. ’Tis true: D’ye think that I can eat,
Though ne’re so choice, always one sort of meat?
No faith; I’d rather wear a Porters frock,
Then to be shrowded in one womans smock.
You say you are with child; Pish, don’t complain,
’Tis but the product of your fruitful brain:
Y’are only big with fancy, which may prove
A witty Brat, like _Pallas_ sprung from _Jove_.
And have you then conceiv’d? How can I chuse
But write _Encomiums_ on my fertile Muse?
Mind not the Father, nor his Brat, for it
Will like the Father live (no doubt) by wit:
Let _Pegasus_ be Godfather, the crew
Of the nine Muses, Gossips; so adieu._

I desired no answer, therefore stayed not till the return of the messenger, but rid that night to _Maidenhead_.

CHAP. LV.

_He comes up to _London_, sends to a particular friend whom
he could confide in, to come to him, and requests him to
compound with his Creditors, which he did in a short
time; and in a short time after, he attempts the robbing
of an house, but is taken and clapt up in _Newgate_: The
miseries of an imprisoned estate, with the manner of his
escape out of that Prison._