Chapter VII: Part 7

My Mistriss gave me so many opportunities, and signified her desires by so many tokens and dumb expressions, that I began to condemn my fears, which rendred me unworthy of her favours. The besieger deserves not the honour of possessing that City, whose Gates are freely opened to him, yet dares not enter. Whilst I was thus ruminating, my Mistriss came to the Counting-house where I was writing; and leaning upon my shoulder, asked me what I was doing: I told her nothing but writing. _Nothing_, I believe said she, nor never will do _any thing_, but draw up blanks, and so abruptly left me. She knew the quickness of my apprehension, and so left the interpretation hereof to my own construction.

Not long after, (thinking her words had left a deep impression, as they did) and withall concluding I would give her the sence of them, when I had an opportunity; She informs my Master that she had a great desire to visit a Gentlewoman she had not seen a long time, and requested that her man _Thomas_ (for that was my name) might wait on her: to which he assented. Though I _led her_, yet I wondered were she _led me_, through one street into another till we arrived at the water-side. She bid me call for a pair of Oars, which I accordingly did. The Watermen were very inquisitive according to their custome, to know whither we intended. Well, well, said she, put off, and then it will be time enough for you to understand. Said she, Row us up to Fox-hall. I for my part was somewhat amazed, yet I partly guessed what she drove at. I kept at a distance, shewing her the respect of a servant; which she taking notice of, laughed, saying, Come Cuz, why dost not sit neerer? to which I replyed as familiarly (for by this time I had much improved the stock of my confidence) I were best to sit a little neerer you, since I shall be the best expedient to ballance the Boat even, or trim it, for you are but _light on your side_. This expression I doubt nettled her, for presently thereupon she shot a piercing dart from her eye, (which I fancied to have penetrated my very soul) How now Cuz, said she, I thought you had a better opinion of me; I understand the Riddle, Your expressions may be very _dark_ to some, however I have too much _light_ in it. I would have made an Apology for my self, but that she hindred me by whispering me in the ear, to this effect, that if she was _light_, there was no other cause but my self, and that if I abused her love any longer, she would sit the heavier on my skirts. Landing, we went streight to Spring-Garden; by the way she told me, I must lay aside all formality, and for the better carrying on the design we went upon, she would have me as afore assume the title of Cuz. We were conducted into an obscure bower, I suppose one of _Lovels Chapels of ease_, where, without a _Clew_, it would be hard for any to find us. There was not any thing wanting that might delight the Appetite, which with much freedom we enjoyed together.

Now, said my Mistress, I shall take off the veil of my modesty, and discover to thee the very naked secrets of my heart. The first time that ever I saw thee, I had more than a common respect to thee, and there was not a time since, wherein I had the sight of thee, but that it added new fewel to the flame of my affection: I used all possible means to smother or blast it in the bud, but could not; I summoned my reason to confute my passion, and notwithstanding I alledged that there was a disproportion in our age, and unsuitableness as to our condition, and lastly how great a strain it would be to my religious profession; yet Love got the Victory over these, and would have been too strong for ten times as many; the rest she supplyed with kisses, which were infinite.

Having gained a little breath, and she again having lent me the use and _disposal_ of my own mouth, I returned to this her amorous Oration, something suitable to it by way of retaliation; Protesting with invocations, that since she had so compleated my happiness by her love, I would perish before I would be guilty of the least abuse therein.

That had it not been for the sense of my unworthiness, and fear of hazarding her love, and so gained her displeasure, no other difficulty should have deterred me from declaring, and discovering what she had prevented me in; adding, that where the quintessence of all loves contracted into one body, it could not equallize mine. Come, said she, let us leave off talking in such idle phrases, let future constancy make apparent the reallity of our affections, and let us not loose any time wherein we may mutually enjoy each other. It is but a folly for me now to mince the matter, or by my coldness endeavour to recongeal that water where the ice is too visibly broken and thaw’d. Yet let not your prudence be questioned, or reason forfeited, in making any unhandsome advantage of this my freedom. But above all, blast not my reputation by the unsavory breath of any ostentatious boasting of a Gentlewomans favours, nor let not my love cause any slighting or disrespect in you to your Master; neither let it so puffe you up with pride, as to contemn your fellow-servants. In company, shew much more reverence to me than formerly. In private, when none sees us but our selves, be as familiar and free as actions can demonstrate. Be constant to me alone, for true love will not admit of plurality. Be secret and silent, and follow not the common practise of vain-glorious Fools, that in requital of those favours they have received in private of some credulous Female, will make their braggs of them in publick. As if it were not enough for them to rob them of their Chastities, but must likewise murther their Reputations. Have a special care you slight me not, (as some squeamish or curious Stomacks use feeding too long on one sort of Food, though never so delicious) for a Womans love dispised will turn into extreme hatred, and will be ever restless till malice and revenge have consulted with Invention, how to be more than even with the slighting Injurer. She propounded more Articles, which I have forgot now, but I remember I sealed them without a _witness_. We made an end of our business for that time, with much expedition, to the intent the tediousness of our staying might not be suspected by the ignorant _Cuckold_ at home: I have reason now for so calling him.

Coming home, I applyed my self to the business of the Shop as before, enjoyning my eyes a severe pennance, not so much as to look towards that Object they so dearly loved. According to my usual time I went to Bed, but sleep I could not, for thinking on what I had done. About one a clock I was much startled, to hear something come into my Chamber; but before I could give my eyes the liberty for a discovery, my Mistress had gotten within the sheets, and not daring to speak, because my Master lay in the next room, most commonly by himself, and her chamber was the next to that, (and in a Trundle-bed underneath my Mistress’s bed lay the Maid.) Neer upon day-break my sweet Bed-fellow left me, at an unhappy time, for then was my Master awake, which might have ruined us both, which had so faln out, had he been resolute or couragious; but on the contrary, exceeding timerous, but more especially, childishly afraid of the supposed walking of Spirits: For hearing the boards crack twice or thrice, with the weight of her body; besides, by the help of Starlight, perceiving something to move all in white, he shrunk underneath the cloaths, not daring to put out his head; now did his imagination work as _strongly_ almost as his _Breech_, suggesting strange and ridiculous things to his fancy. But I shall give him leave to tell his own story. A little after it was day, being almost stifled for want of fresh Air, and choak’d with the stink that was in the Bed, he boldly & valiantly put his head out of the coverlid, and after he had thrice exorcis’d the Devil, or the supposed evil Spirit, with avoid _Satan_, repeating as often that Scriptural Sentence, _Resist the Devil and he will flye from thee_: He called out as loud as he might for me to come to him. I leapt out of Bed, and ran to him, asking him what was the matter: O _Thomas_, said he, light a Candle quickly; I running in haste to light the Candle, fell (by mistaking the first step) down the stairs, which made a terrible noise: my Master hearing me, cry’d out, (saying, O God, what will become of me?) thinking the Devil indeed had mistook me for himself, and that he was horsing me on his back to carry me away; with that he fell to prayer so fervently loud, that up starts the Mistress, and the Maids, running to know what was the matter: fear had so possessed him, that he could not be perswaded, but that they were some of the Devilish crew.

At first they thought him to be fallen mad; but finding out the cause of this distraction, with much ado my Mistress made him sensible of his mistake. Being fully assured, that they were not (yet) damned Spirits, he relates what he had seen, in this manner: My Mistress afterwards told me, that had it not been for laughing, which so busied her, that her sense of smelling for that time had left her, she could never have endured to hear him out, for that notorious stink, which came from the Bed, when he stirred ever so little.

I wonder’d, said he, that contrary to my usual custom, I awak’d about four a clock, whereas I used to sleep soundly, thou knowest till eight. I hearkned, at first I perceived onely the boards to crack, but presently after I heard chains rattle, and the stools flung about the room, the bed, and I in it, _danced_ up and down, as if a _Scotch Bagpipe_ had been plaid upon by a _Northern Witch_, and the Devil the while had Danced with me, and the Bed a Morrice, (supplying the _Bellows_ with wind.) Sometimes they pull’d me out of Bed, and laid me on the cold floor, and then tost me in again like a _Dog in a Blanket_.

Hearing no noise, I attempted to peep out; but scarcely had mine eyes recovered the top of the Bed-cloths, when I saw standing by me, a composition of meer bones, with a shrowd thrown over his shoulders, like an _Irish Brachin_, or a _Scotch Pladd_, with a light Taper in one hand (I knew not what use he could make of it, for there were only _holes_ in his head instead of eyes) and an Hour-glass in the other: he grinn’d at me with his teeth, (for he had no lips) and shaking his chains left me, which sight so terrified me, that I had like to have shot out (like a _Pudding_ in a _Bag_) all that was within me. My Mistresse had like to have broken out into extreme laughter, had not the consideration of danger (that might have ensued thereon) hindred her.

After this, it was a long time before he would be perswaded to lie in that Chamber again, which made me curse his strong conceit, for by this means he would lye with his wife, which interrupted our sweet venereal pastime. As for my part, I believed he would never have return’d to his own chamber again, for he trembled when he past through it in the day time; and if alone, he would so thunder down the stairs (fear giving wings to his feet) as if (_Vulcan_-like) he had been sent by _Jupiter head-long_ in a message.

Another accident (hapning not long after) cur’d him in part of his ridiculous belief, grounded on nothing else but fancy: In the Sellar, on a certain beam that went crosse, there were great quantity of Tenter-hooks placed there, some to hang meat on, others of a smaller sort for other uses. Our Cat being somewhat ravenous, was following the scent, and had gotten upon the Beam; her foremost feet slipping, she was strangely caught by the tail, and not able to recover her self: Being terribly pained by the hook, she made a most hideous noise, which made our Dog fall a howling. This strange din first approached my Masters ears, who awaking my Mistress, asked her now whether she would believe her own ears. At first she confest to me, she knew not what to think, her conscience being yet tender (which having no long time accustomed her self to sin, was not hardned and fear’d up) put her in mind of what she had lately committed, so that she had like to have concluded that it was _Satan_ was sent to _buffet_ her; But she having a martial spirit, and not easily daunted, she hearkned further, and then judg’d that Thieves had broken into the house.

My Master all this while was _breathing his last at both ends_, whilest my Mistress leap’d out of Bed, and came to my Chamber door, bidding me in all haste to rise, for there were Thieves in the house. I confess I had no great mind to be kill’d, and therefore I was in no great haste to rise, sometimes buttoning my Doublet, and anon unbuttoning it again; perceiving that I delaid, she came again, taxing me with Cowardise, and meanness of Spirit, which put new life into me, making me to resolve to adventure my life, rather than hazard the loss of her good opinion.

Finding my Mistress in her smock, I thought it a shame for me to have any cloaths on; and so naked as I was, we march’d on. Coming to the Stairhead, my fancy troubled me a little too, for the noise had so amaz’d me, that I would fain have my Mistress to go first; she could not forbear laughing, to observe how complemental and ceremonious at that time I was. Having scattered my fear by resolution, How do I abuse myself, said I, and with that boldly went on.

By this time a light was produced, and then those Bug-bear thoughts which darkness possesseth the fancy withal, began to vanish. There was not a hole big enough to contain a man, but what I _prob’d_. Descending the Cellar-stairs, I there plainly saw the Original cause of our fear and distraction, hanging by the tail. I called my Mistress to the sight, and now the Maids too would be Spectators, understanding the danger to be overpast.

Well, the general vote was, that the Cat should be carried up stairs to our Master, and shew him the _wound in his Tail_, for evidence to prove his guilt in being seduced by _fancy_.

He hearing some come up, thought we were all destroyed, and that they were coming up to dispatch him too: Wherefore he cryed out, _Save my Life, and take all I have_. His wife (not to encrease his perplexity) bid him quiet himself, there was no harm, nor any like to be done; and withal so convinced him of his folly, both past and present, that he had not a word to say in his own defence; he enjoyning us all silence, we were dismiss’d.

The next night, to show how much he was altered from his former temper and belief, he did lye in his Chamber aforesaid, supposedly haunted, and that same night with much joy, my Mistress and I renewed our pleasures.

CHAP. XVIII.

_How his Mistress supplyed him with money, even to
superfluity; what wayes he had to spend it. He is
tempted to destruction by Correctors, (_alias_)
Clippers, and Coyners (_alias_) Matter-men._

I Found my Estate to encrease abundantly, for I was half sharer my self with my Master; my Mistress she put in for one too, which I had likewise; so that the good man received but the _fourth_. I had been (since my return) very sparing in my expence, having laid up my money securely: But now finding out another _rich Mine_, I thought I should be too rich, unless I contrived wayes to _draw out_, as well as _put in_.

In the first place, I thought good to buy a brace of good Geldings, for by that means I could meet whom I pleas’d, though a dozen or sixteen miles distance, and so by the quickness of return come home undiscover’d. If occasion should serve, they might very well serve for the _High Pad_. These I bought, and where they stood, I had four or five several suits, either to Ride withal, (using variety that I might pass _incognito_) or to wear when I did intend to appear splendidly to peculiar friends; and then the Prodigal himself did not spend his money more profusely than my self.

I judge it unnecessary to relate how, and in what manner I disburst great sums, since there are few that are addicted to pleasure, and have money, but know how to lay it out to the satisfaction of their desires, that is, to please all their senses. My Mistress seldome saw a piece of Gold in her Husbands hands, or some large and great piece of Silver, but she would be begging it of him, for no other intents but to give it me; which she took delight in, withal, knowing that frequent presents very much ingage the affection.

My Master seldom denyed her, (for like a Cuckold he doted on his Wife) but if he did, she would take pet, and would not eat, have the forehead bound down with a cross-cloth, look pitifully, and the like. If he askt her what she ailed, or what she was troubled at, she would say, at nothing more than your unkindness, and then weep bitterly: for, like a right _Hypocrite_, she had _tears at command_. The _Dotard_ would _melt_ too, sometimes the great Calf crying and sobbing, like a child that hath lost his Bread and Butter: Then to make his atonement, he must procure her two or three pieces, if he hath them not in the house; otherwise it shall cost him as much more wealth on the Doctor, of whom she would often pretend to take Physick, but it should be only rich _Cordials_, _strengthning Jellies_, with such like _Provocations_ to _Venery_.

For my own part, I was not idle in the mean time, laying up like the careful Bee for Winter. We returned great sums of money every day, which an acquaintance of mine knew very well; and he being dayly in the company of a fellow, who was both Coyner and Clipper, it seems a decayed Goldsmith, undone by the study of Chymistry, but now lived by some particular part thereof, as the transmutation of Metal, or so forth.

This man he informs that he knew a young Casheer, that he thought he could work to their purpose, who was very well qualified for it. An appointed time for meeting was agreed upon between them, which was made known to me: I thought of no other design but to be merry. Being met, we drank stifly, but ever and anon the stranger would beseech me to favour him with my future acquaintance, that he should think himself very happy, if I would admit him into a familiarity. I could do no less than promise so much, and so laying aside ceremonies, we entered into a very familiar discourse. But for that night there was nothing propounded, neither was it thought convenient: several times we met, (not without great expence) so that now we were grown intimately acquainted. Our discourse hapned on a time to be about Chymystry, I was forced to be mute, as not understanding any thing thereof; yet I could not but admire, to hear my new friend relate what admirable Rarities he could perform in that mysterious Art, and thereupon shew’d me a piece of Gold, demanding my opinion what I thought of it? I told him I could judge no less, but that it was what it seemed to be; he smilingly reply’d, No wonder that this should deceive you, since it will do the like to the most critical Goldsmith about the Town: No doubt, said he, you have heard of the Philosophers Stone, and what vast Estates some have mis-spent in the search thereof, how ineffectual the labour of such hath been, the miserableness of their condition makes apparent. Others, and not a few, have pretended they have obtain’d the mastery thereof, for no other intent then to delude some wealthy credulous person, making some ridiculous experiments to confirm his belief, and at last extract him to the very lees of his Estate. I shall not deludingly pretend to any thing, but what I will perform, which your own eyes shall attest. Hereupon he shew’d me various pieces, both Gold and Silver, which are the effects (said he) of my own labour and pains, imployed in an Art I have found out by the curious search and industry of my brain, with which I can convert Copper into that Metal which current money is composed of, either of which, according to the Tincture I shall give it. And to be plainer with you, out of that great love I have born ever since I first saw you, and that my actions shall make it apparent, see here this piece, according to the term of Art given, it is called a _black Dog_, with _Queen Elizabeths Head_ thereon, which is only Pewter double washed. This here is a _George plateroon_, being all Copper within, and only a thin Plate about it. Another called _Compositum_, which is a mixt Metal, and will both touch and cut, but will not endure the fiery test. He gave me the sight likewise of Pieces of _Eight_, _half pieces_ and _quarter pieces_. Then again (said he) our own Coyn we usually call _English_ Cloth, the other _Spanish_; the prices whereof are several, according to their goodness and fineness: The best you may have for 15 _sh._ the yard, _i. e._ five shillings in the pound profit; the worser for eight, ten, or more.

Now to the intent that I may compleat your happiness here, if enjoyment of Wealth will do it, I would advise you to take some of every sort, and so mingle it with the rest of your good cash, proportionably to the sum. Let me add one thing more, if any large money comes to your hand, lay it aside for me, which after I have corrected a little, (for _broad brim’d Hats are not now in fashion_) I will return it, allowing you 18 pence per pound interest.

I gave him all this while great attention, without the least interruption; but he here making a stop, I thought he expected my replication; which was to this effect, That I thankt him cordially for his respects, which I believed were real, having used that freedom with me, that I did not in the least question the greatness of profit that would redound by the acceptance of his proffer; but it being a matter of the greatest consequence, and highest concern, I desired I might have some time for consideration. This answer made him look blank, fearing lest I made a demur only to betray him, so that I saw by his countenance, he wisht he had been more sparing in his expressions. I must needs confess, I trembled all the time I was in his company, wherefore I made all the haste I could to be gone, giving him to understand, that after serious consultation with my self, I would send him an answer by my friend, and so I took my leave of him. The whole night following I spent in weighing his Proposals in the ballance of profit and preservation: I quickly found that Life’s preservation outweigh’d all other interest, and that honour, riches, and pleasure would avail little to that man that was riding _Post_ to the _Gallows_. Besides, how could I expect to escape better than others, who were frequently made wretched spectacles of rash imprudence and folly, who, having forfeited the Kings high and just displeasure, did usually betray their own selves to the Severity of the Law in that case; which hath as little Commiseration on such as on the worst of Offendors? Though I had committed several things that might come within the verge of an Indictment, yet I always shunned such actions as bore the inscription in their front, _Memento mori_. To be as good as my promise, I sent my Chimist these consequent Lines.

_SIR,
You seemingly do proffer fair, but know,
Hanging attends such kindnesses you show.
The hope of profit tempts me; loss of life
O’repow’rs perswasions, and so ends the strife.
Had I two Lives, my deeds should make it known,
How little I would care to hazard one;
But having solely one, I will not try
Its loss; _as yet I have no mind to dye_.
Should we proceed then, and be taken in it;
Death and damnation seize us in a minute.
Cease then, and let your fancy’s suit with mine,
We’l plot no _Treason_, but to get good _Wine_:
That being had, let each man’s _face_ declare
Th’ _Indian Mines_ not so rich as ours are.
If we want Coyn, the best way, I suppose,
Is to transmute the _Metal_ of my _Nose_._

I never receiv’d any answer to what I wrote, neither did I ever see my new friend after, which was according to my own desire, but I heard of his sad destiny, whereof I should have participated, had I listed my self in that Mettle-simulating Regiment. Some found out operating in the obscurest thickets of woods; others were detected clipping in dark Concaves on _Black-heath_, and their Ringleader discovered in his own house, in a deep Vault befitting his purpose; who, though he had timely notice to remove his tools, yet, by his Seizers they were found hid in a Chimney-mantletree, hollowed to that intent, with a shutter at the end. After the dismal catastrophe of these Hazardous fools, I had like to have been put to a great trouble, though not in the least guilty of the accusation: and thus it was; an indigent Hanger-on, having taken notice of my being once or twice in the company of the chief of those lately executed, came to me one Evening, and requested some private discourse: I consented: being together (laying aside several Formalities that ushered in his discourse) he told me, that I was taken notice of as a notorious disperser of Counterfeit money, and that there was a warrant out to apprehend me, and, that out of pure love to a man so young and fairly promising as my self, he thought himself bound in duty to preserve if he could, by giving timely notice to shun that, which, if neglected might prove destructive. I immediately saw the _Rogue_ peep through the Vizard of dissimulation, and therefore instead of giving thanks I gave him a blow over both the eyes, to the intent he should not see how I would beat him, which was in such a manner, that he could not see himself for three days afterward. This fellow I understood to be a Dunner for the Prisoners of their confederates abroad; and if they would not continually let down their milk, impeach them, and were often condemn’d.

CHAP. XIX.

_He breaketh his Master (by the help of his Mistress) and so
sets up for himself with that money he had unlawfully
gotten in his Apprenticeship, and credit besides: what a
trick he served his Master at last: his Master and
Mistress soon after dy’d._

But to proceed, now I had served my time, and was accordingly made free; but sollicited by my Master to stay some longer time as a Journeyman, which I consented to, knowing it could not be long: for we had so purloined from him, that it was impossible for him to subsist any longer. His Creditors visited him daily, so that now his whole time was taken up in studying fair promising words to satisfie them for the present, and tell them when they _should come again_. My Master perceiving the danger he was in, would neither stir abroad, no, not so much as come into the Shop. He now standing upon the brow of a very high Hill, and being forced to descend, I resolved to save him the labour, and so threw him down headlong.

By this time I had conveyed away a sufficient quantity of his Goods, intending them for my own use; and stowed them in a Warehouse which I had lately taken privately for my purpose. My Master one night told me his intended design, that he was resolv’d to pack up all his Goods, and to gather in what moneys he could, and so take his wife with him for _Ireland_. I thought I should have dy’d at first when I heard him talk of carrying his wife with him, and could not forbear dropping some tears; which he perceiving, his trickled down his Cheeks to bear mine company. Well now, said he, I see thou lovest me too, as well as thou hast hitherto proved faithful. But the dearest friends must part (& with that he wept again like a child) however my comfort is, I hope we shall see each other in Heaven. I thought with my self, I had rather see him in the Counter. And from that minute I contriv’d how I might effect it: For at that time I should never have been able to have brookt a separation between my Mistress and self, especially at so great distance. She and I often consulted what to do; Sometimes we were in the mind to take what money the _old fool_ had, and so run away together, with many stratagems which we propounded; but were rejected as no ways expedient nor convenient. At last I resolved on this, that she should acquaint her self of the exact time and way he intended to go, and so inform me thereof. I receiv’d information in a short time after, that before break of day, at such a time he would take Horse at _Islington_, and so for _Winchester_. I immediately sent away word to one of his chiefest Creditors, making known to him the sum and substance of every thing, and, that if ever he expected to receive what was due to him, he must at such a time have Officers ready to way-lay him, in order to his arrest, which was punctually done according to what instructions I sent him in a letter, without a name subscribed thereunto. He had not been long in custody, before I was sent for, to advise with him what was best to be done in this his great extremity and perplexity. I could do no less than seemingly condole his misfortunes, and withal seemed to be very active as to his assistance, running up and down to his Creditors to bring them to a compliance; but he had been better to have sent some person else as sollicitor in his businesse, for by my means I made his wound incurable. Seeing there was no remedy but patiently to endure his inevitable imprisonment, he got an Horse (as some men term it) _alias_ a _Duce facies_, and so remov’d himself to _Ludgate_, where he had not been long e’re he dy’d for grief.

In the mean time my Mistress had secured what he had, which I enjoy’d. I had now an House and Shop of mine own, very well furnisht; but withal I was grown so deboist and profusively lavish, that I seldom was at home but at night, and then in bed with my Mistress, who was very importunate with me to marry her: I confesse I loved her intirely as my Mistresse, or Whore, but I hated her as my Wife, knowing very well that if she would be an Whore to me, and have an Husband, she would be so to another when I was in the formers place. She now found her self with Child; whereupon (taking _upon her my duty_) she daily prest me to save her Credit. But I delay’d, putting her off continually with specious pretences, which her love and facileness easily swallow’d. The time of her delivery approaching, I went down into the Country with her; and because it was at hand, I stay’d to see the event: Within a short while she fell in labour (now because we were known for no other than Man and Wife,) when her throws came upon her, she would not let me stir out of the room. Her pain growing intollerable, she called me hastily to her, and getting my hand within hers; Farewel, said she, I dye for thee; thy last unkindnesse in not performing thy promise, and not returning love answerable to mine, hath untimely yielded my days: with that she groaned, and then using her former expressions, cryed out, Love my memory however, since I die for thee. She uttered not one word afterwards, being as good as her word: The good woman lookt strangely on me, every one passing their verdict, and all concluding her none of my Wife. The _first Christians_ under the great _Persecution_, suffered not in 500 years so many several wayes, as I did in five hours, by the peoples Tongues. I must needs say, I took it very much to heart, that Report, which made _Richard_ the _Second_ alive so often after he was dead, should kill me as often whilst alive; desiring them at last to wave their Censures (which they exprest publickly) I intreated them with all the Rhetorick I could produce to endeavour the reviving of my Wife, which if past recovery, to use means to preserve the Child. In a short time they told me that was dead likewise. At first I showed much grief, which was unfeigned, being not so much afflicted for the loss of her, as affected with those words she uttered when she breathed her last. I was too conscious of my own guilt, and therefore they made the deeper impression in my very Soul.

But all these perturbations of mind I dissipated with a glasse or two of Canary, which was the common antidote I us’d against care, sorrow, and vexation, _&c._ I now provided things necessary for her Funeral, which were not vulgar; which I might the better do, having made my self her Executor before, taking all she had into my custody. In memorial of her, and her fidelity, I wrote this Epitaph on her Tombstone.

_Women they say will _lye_, but now I see
’Tis false, to th’ last she spake the _truth_ to me.
Farewel said she, I thought my grief t’have hid,
_I die for love of thee_,——and so she did.
Here with her lies her Child, that strove in vain
To untomb it self to be intomb’d again.
But rest my babe, thy cares with life are gone,
_Thou’lt rise again_, though now a setting Sun.
Though wonders cease, thy Mothers death doth prove
They may revive, for she did _die for love_._

CHAP. XX.

_His credit becomes suspected by his exorbitant manner of
living in Drinking, Whoring, Gaming, &c. He thinks to
sawder up that crack by Marriage; he is deceived both in
Person and Portion._

Returning to my own Habitation, I found that my so long absence had raised a jealousie in my Neighbours breasts, that I was run away; which rested not there, but spread like a Canker, so that this flying report came to some of my Creditors ears, which made them both impatient and importunate with me for their moneys; I wondered whence proceeded their unexpected haste. Some that would not be put off with promises, I was forced to pay; from others I obtained a little longer forbearance, which gave me but liberty to prosecute my former courses. If I was at the Tavern, I was either drunk, ingaged in a quarrel, and so involv’d in blood; or else at play, if not at a Bawdy house, which places I could not refrain from frequenting, though I kept one _of my own at home_. For I would not entertain a Maid, but what was more than ordinarily handsome, whom I commonly vitiated either by presents, or promises if I got them with child. When I was weary of one, I paid her off, with some additions to her wages, and entertain’d another, who would in a short time be wrought upon as well as her predecessors, being ambitious to lie with her Master, and vainly hoping that to be the first step to her preferment, thinking of nothing but presently marrying, and so be Mistress. In three years that I lived as a Master I had nine illegitimates, which I knew, four whereof were begotten of my Maids, which put me to a vast expence. Two of the Mothers would have forced me to have married them, or allowed them competent maintenance (for they were subtil cunning baggages) had I not by a wile got them aboard a Vessel bound for _Virginia_, and never heard of them since. Besides two or three terrible Claps, which cost me a considerable sum in their cure. This distemper, as it caused a _consumption_ in my Pocket, so it impaired my wonted strength, and almost spoiled my natural Talent.

_For now it is much like Paul’s Steeple turn’d
A stately thing before the top was burn’d._

I now began to be sensible of my folly, and so resolved to take up in time, and redeem by degrees my lost credit by a temperate sober life; but that I found I had wasted my self extremely, by which means I became lesse capable of reacting what I had before done, and my mind in a manner satiated, I question whether I should have had now such penitent thoughts. For a while I kept my Shop diligently and constantly; I would not drink with any but at home; my sudden alteration made people admire, and the suddennesse of my reformation was the common discourse of all my Neighbours: The Parson of our Parish hearing of my strange alteration, came to me, which I admired at; for before, he that had the least care or respect of his Reputation, would avoid all occasions of being seen in my company, lest they might be suspected extravagant and deboist.

_Pares cum paribus facillime congregantur._
Birds of a Feather will flock together.

The shortness of his hair declar’d him a member of the _Circumcision_, but his _triple cap_, or three _caps_ on his head, shew’d, though he hated the very name of _Rome_ or _Babylon_, yet he lov’d formerly a Whore _in private, though common_. His Cloak was fac’d down with _zeal_ before, and his Band appear’d but as a _broad hem_, to shew that a _hem_, with _two or three formal spits_, or a feigned Cough, was the usual supply of his discourse, when he had _thrasht_ himself in his _Cloak_ out of breath in the _Pulpit_. His looks resembled the _bleer-ey’d Printing_ at _Geneva_ (and his face like that sort of ragged paper on which they work off their impressions. After he had set his face into a Platform, he delivered himself. I shall not relate exactly his own canting words, or what he borrowed from Scripture, being sensible, _non est tutum ludere cum sacris_, but give you the substance, which was first a reproof for my extravagancies: secondly, some general instructions, (pickt out of a common-place Book) for my future practice: and lastly, some encouragements drawn from various motives to proceed (without looking back) toward a good life: on which three points he ran divisions strangely, till Dinner-time, and then his stomach petitioned him to shut his mouth, lest it should be deprived of its appetite by receiving in too much air.

In this seeming strictness of life I lived two or three months, and now some began to have charitable thoughts of my Soul: & that I might regain my runnings out by future diligence and industry.

I had several Matches offered me, which I saw, but liked them not; for I had always been a general lover, and could not now come to particulars. At last it was my misfortune to see one, whom I was wisht to; and which at first sight robbed me at once, both of my self and good company.

Formerly I was pleasing and affable, desirous and desired of good society, but never lived till now an _Anchorite_ on earth. Neither did I ever till now tie up mine eyes to one particular face, giving them free liberty to wander. But now at last I fell from my primitive liberty, losing it totally, by dotage on a Creature, and that a Woman too: a just judgement on me for my manifold sins, to throw this thing in my way for me to stumble at. And it will appear in its due place that she was a _bow’d token_ of my _Maker’s_ displeasure sent me, for she was Crooked.

CHAP. XXI.

_How he was married, and what kind of thing his Wife._

I made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents, and found by report they were very wealthy. In a short time we had conference together about the Portion, and my Estate, and therein we were all satisfied. My Courtship was very Noble, yet not Prodigal, for fear of giving offence; and in a little while we were married. By her looks I thought her so modest, that an unchaste thought durst not enter into her head, since all immodest expressions she banished from her ears.

The first night I thought to have had the first _taste_, but my experience told me the _Tarriers_ had been there before. This struck me into an amazement, that there should appear such Virgin-whiteness, and the extract of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime so notorious. Much perplext I was, but durst not vent my self, what was more than bare suspition. In one half years time what I intended to conceal could be hid no longer, being brought to bed three months before her time; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make me believe this was usual; and that Children brought forth at six months might live.

Now began our domestick Civil Wars, which was carried on with such fury between us, that there was hardly an Utensil in the Kitchin that could rest in quiet from flying about our ears continually. My Wife acted the _Silent Woman_ to the life, whilest in a single state; for before we were married all her answers were very short, comprehended within the two Monosyllables of _I_, and _No_; and those two must be forcibly extracted from her. But now her tongue wagg’d in a perpetual motion, and her voice so shrill and loud, that it would be heard distinctly, though a piece of Ordnance were discharged near her at the same time, or standing at the Bell-room-door whilest the Bells were ringing. Frequent were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their affection from me, so that their only study was how to be rid of me. Her forgeries (to excuse her own _Devilry_) had so instigated them, that they sought my ruine by all wayes imaginable. Besides they laid an _Imbargo_ on the rest of my Wives portion unpaid; advising her withal to secure what she could, for her own self-preservation. She followed their instructions so exactly, that in a short time I found my self in a very declining condition, yet knew not the cause, till it was too late, conveying away both my goods and money, some whereof went to supply the necessities of her Stallion.

I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her altogether so culpable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the sharpest passions, could not turn this distemper into a disease (although they lookt through false Opticks, making things appear like evening shadows, disproportionable to the truth, and strangely longer than the true substance) till knowledge hereof (confirmed me by the witnesses of my eyes) had banisht bare suspition.

Which was thus, One night I caused my self to be brought home by a Porter as dead drunk; my Wife received me in that condition (I perceived by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much satisfaction, and was immediately carried up to bed; with much difficulty they undrest me, pretending my self asleep all this while, and so they left me. It seems by the story that my Wife presently sent away the Maid (which was her Pimp) to her friend to come at such an hour. About nine of the clock the Maid was posted to bed; and about ten I heard one small knock at the door: he needed not to knock there any longer, for there was one below that was ready to receive him. When I judg’d they were incircled in each others arms, (which I understood by hearkning at the bottom of the stairs, and thereby knew whereabout they were) I ran in upon them with my Sword (which I had prepared ready) & thinking to have run them through the body, intending to make a passage for their Souls escape, I past my Sword through the fleshy part of both their thighs. At which they made a most hideous outcry, so that the Maid came running down: and a Watchman that stood just at my door hearing the noise, knockt at the door, to know what was the matter; the Maid apprehending the danger, let him in, who by the help of his Candle, never saw so strange a sight; for I had so pin’d them together, that they could not stir. As well as they could speak, they both begg’d their pardon for their lives only, which I granted, as looking on my revenge somewhat satisfied.

My Gentleman I dismist, but as for his Mistress I was forced to send for a Chyrurgeon, whose wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was through and through. There was no concealing of what was done; wherefore in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen’d last night, insisting further, that since she had instead of putting off handsomly the Chain of Matrimony, rudely broke it, it should be her own damage; neither would I be at the cost of a visitation to repair the breach. To which I added, that had I deny’d her things requisite and necessary, or not performed duly my duty, she might have had some pretence for her slighting me, and look upon me only as a false Crow set up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self. But since it was otherwise, and that she had nothing to object against me, but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires; I wisht them to save me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they would remove her elsewhere.

They reply’d but little, hastning to their daughter; and fearing worse mischief might ensue, they instantly conveyed her into the Country. She had not remained there long, before she was cured, and not enduring to be confined to solitariness, repaired again to the City, where now she lives, as such do that keep Civet-Cats; but I hear she is very reserved to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with. But let her go with these Lines pin’d to her back.

_There never yet was woman made,
Nor shall, but to be curst;
And oh! that I (fond I) should first
Of any Lover
This Truth at my own charge to other Fools discover._

_Ye that have promis’d to your selves
Propriety in Love;
Know womens hearts like straws do move,
And what we call
Their Sympathy, is but love to jet in general._

_All Mankind are alike to them;
And though we Iron find
That never with the Loadstone joyn’d,
’Tis not the Irons fault,
It is because the Loadstone yet was never brought._

_If where a gentle Bee hath fallen
And laboured to his power,
A new succeeds not to that flower,
But passeth by
’Tis to be thought the Gallant elsewhere loads his thigh._

_For still the flowers ready stand;
One buzzes round about,
One lights, one tasts, gets in, gets out.
All always use them,
Till all their sweets are gone, and all again refuse them._

However, I must confess my own faults, as well as condemn others; which was, I was too inquisitive after that, which the more I knew, would the more disturb me. Of all things the less we know, the better. Curiosity in this renders a man as ridiculous a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir _John Suckling_ mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, whether he was made so in a bed, or on a Couch, and whether his duty-officiating Cavalier pulled off his Spurs first or not, _&c._

Well, it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom’d to prison, who expecting to lie in a private room, is confined to the Hole. Had I married the best, I believe I should have found my self in the Stocks. ’Tis strange that I of all men should be deceiv’d by this thing that was like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription. Had not my passion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her disposition and carriage, I might have easily understood that her behavior in the presence of me was only like action on a publick Stage, and that the evil of her natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and seeming modesty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and so scarce sensible of sauce, much less of meat. But since I have had such ill-luck in marriage, which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age, I shall in the ensuing Discourse give you some instruction or advice as Land-marks. For having split upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot to another that would sail this way.

CHAP. XXII.

_Some Observations concerning Love and Women; selected out
of the choicest Commentators on their nature, together
with his own experimental reflections._