Chapter X: Part 10

On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads _from the manger_.

MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most distinguished statesmen and _gourmets_ of the time of Napoleon. In the course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly _recherché_ dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!" exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what _did_ you come here for, then!"

MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.

"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is _confidence_."

MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.

A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other_ gentleman's clothes."

MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.

IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed to _Peter and Mary's_; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr. Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too long a _bachelor_ to think of a female companion in his old days."

MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.

"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not think so."--"And so you would _think_," answered he, "though I should not _say so_."

MCCCXI.--A POSER.

A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "_we let out the tucks_!" The doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.

MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.

A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, styled them _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.

MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.

UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red; nearly as red as you, _Hill_!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret complexion.

MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.

IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said, "Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as usual."--"_Put on your gloves_, madam," replied the butcher, "and you will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home immediately.

MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.

IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no employment which requires such constant _application_.

MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.

SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth," which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am _all but_ the author of the Waverley Novels!"

MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"

MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.

A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is _the price_ of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a dozen!"

MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.

"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have _mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener, "you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!"

MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.

THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat lengthy:--

A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took place.--Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_. That would have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce _à vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."

MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.

IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for _delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was," said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr. Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."

MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.

A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."

MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.

IF anybody comes to I,
I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
If after that they like to die,
Why, what care I, I Lettsom.

MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.

A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"

MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.

WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets 'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye," says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found nobody to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits. "Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us: there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."

MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.

THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."

MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.

BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name
Ensures continuance to thy fame;
Both sense and truth this verdict give.
While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!

MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.

A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him," said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he would have _killed_ the whole of us."

MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.

IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a _Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the _mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."

MCCCXXX.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.

THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got but one _silver spoon_ among them all."

MCCCXXXI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.

THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks
I must and will deny;
They say their master is a knave:
And sure _they do not lie_.

MCCCXXXII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.

A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_ for ever."

MCCCXXXIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.

DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"

MCCCXXXIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.

IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate, appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry! why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"

MCCCXXXV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.

"HARRY, I cannot think," says Dick,
"What makes my ankles grow so thick."
"You do not recollect," says Harry,
"_How great a calf_ they have to carry."

MCCCXXXVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.

ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord," answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."

MCCCXXXVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.

SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity. "_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."

MCCCXXXVIII.--FAIRLY WON.

THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when, looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart, and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way, and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.

MCCCXXXIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.

A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, Cumberland, Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.

MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.

GEORGE the First was always reckoned
Vile,--but viler, George the Second;
And what mortal ever heard
Any good of George the Third?
When from earth the Fourth descended,
God be praised, the Georges ended.

MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.

HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door. "I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as _I_ did, _borrow one_!"

MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?

LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the House of Commons a vote of £400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days, who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account of its _lavendric_ properties."

MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S
DAY, 1787."

THE City-feast inverted here we find,
For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.

MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.

THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the _fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die for it."

MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.

A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of _one hundred_.

MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.

ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long) _ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"

MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.

FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search,
But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.

MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it. Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_ it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I will _take anything from him, except physic_."

MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.

MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed the following epigram:--

That the stones of our chapel are both black and white,
Is most undeniably true;
But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night,
It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.

MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.

GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there, took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"

MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.

THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer. "Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"

MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.

IN reading his name it may truly be said,
You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.

MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.

HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says: "One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before you."

MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.

AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack, to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."

MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.

MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days"; the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why, didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."

MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.

WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"

MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.

WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad,
Pursuing a querulous strain?
When Erin gives up all the rights that she had,
What _right has she left to complain_?

MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.

AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's; whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."

MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.

WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."

MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.

HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third. "But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"

MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.

A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get even a _little_."

MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.

O DRY that tear so round and big,
Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;
Death only takes _a single pig_--
Your _lord and son_ are still behind.

MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.

MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."

MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.

MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.

MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of _The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."

MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.

"TAXES are equal is a dogma which
I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor;
"Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich,
And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."

MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.

SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of _other people_."

MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.

A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said: "Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your Beaver_" (Belvoir).

MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.

A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in your _head_."

MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.

AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.

MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSTITUTE.

THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_," was the ready reply.

MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.

"IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh,
As her voice of a tempest gave warning.
"Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,
"For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."

MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.

PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally. "For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march, you would _halt_!"

MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.

A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"

MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.

A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"

MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.

ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must, however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let us make our _servants fast_."

MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.

A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered, "To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."

MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

THE charity of Closefist give to fame,
He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.

MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.

THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.

MCCCLXXX.--SMALL TALK.

FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature, he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr. Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have been saying for _the last hour_."

MCCCLXXXI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.

AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal _tiger_ of Bengal?"

MCCCLXXXII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.

A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace hold yours?"

MCCCLXXXIII.--AN OUTLINE.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an ambassador_."

MCCCLXXXIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.

ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain,
Full many a gallant man lies slain;
But none, by bullet or by shot,
Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.

MCCCLXXXV.--UGLY TRADES.

THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.

MCCCLXXXVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.

AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."

MCCCLXXXVII.--SENSIBILITY.

A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."

MCCCLXXXVIII.--PATIENCE.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke, happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in the world_."

MCCCLXXXIX.--WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?

_Quest._ WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?

_Ans._ Because it is a slender thing of wood,
That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,
And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away,
In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!

MCCCXC.--NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."

ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely, "Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another behind some _curate_."

MCCCXCI.--A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.

"SIR," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the _three and four-pence_."

MCCCXCII.--A MAN OF METAL.

EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, "A dealer in old iron."--"Then," said the counsel, "you must of course be a thief."--"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a dealer in _iron_ must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in _brass_."

MCCCXCIII.--SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.

"BE less prolix," says Grill. I like advice.
"Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.

MCCCXCIV.--A DROP.

DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished; "And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece of that _D--umpling_?"

MCCCXCV.--ERROR IN JUDGMENT.

AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person. "It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for he says that you are a charlatan."--"O," replied the other, "I think it very likely that _both of us_ may be mistaken."

MCCCXCVI.--THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.

A MECHANIC his labor will often discard,
If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard--
Will continue to work though it _strikes_!

MCCCXCVII.--THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.

A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not _deceive_ me twice."

MCCCXCVIII.--A SPEAKING CANVAS.

SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True," answered he; "for the best will always _praise_ themselves."

MCCCXCIX.--INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.

SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the _Edinburgh Review_, says, "If the English were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to _dig_ and _plough_, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the _better for it_."

MCD.--OCULAR.

TAYLOR says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."--"No wonder," said I, "you were fond of a _Leer_ when you married an _Ogle_."

MCDI.--ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE
REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.

YE politicians, tell me, pray,
Why thus with woe and care rent?
This is the worst that you can say,
Some wind has blown the wig away,
And left the _Hair Apparent_.

MCDII.--AN APT REPROOF.

MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The rascal should have taken care how he used me, for _I never forgive_."--"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, "_you never sin_." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave better for the future."

MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.

"I AM unable," yonder beggar cries,
"To _stand or move_." If he says true, he _lies_.

MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.

HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a snug family vault we have made here."--"_Family vault_!" said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family _oven_."

MCDV.--PRETTY.

HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.

MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.

A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied, "_Perhaps they took no physic_."

MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.

THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one; "Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob," cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's _asses_, and lo! here I have found them."

MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.

"PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place,
Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"
"No, please your grace,"
Cried Boniface,
With some grimace,
"_Sometimes it snows_."

MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.

A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a remarkable _echo in the court_?"

MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"--"Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call _him_ an actor."

MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

FRANKLIN was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"

MCDXII.--A SOPORIFIC.

A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should never quarrel with _the effect_ of his own medicine."

MCDXIII.--THE AMENDE HONORABLE.

QUOTH Will, "On that young servant-maid
My heart its life-string stakes."
"Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid,
She pays for _all she breaks_."

MCDXIV.--ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.

A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a _shirt on_, and the latter _naked_.

MCDXV.--MILITARY ELOQUENCE.

AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows, go and _clothe_ yourselves."

MCDXVI.--CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.

THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy. During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"--"Suppose I do; what of that? If your Highness of York wishes to be well, let me tell you," added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in his campaigns, _cut off the supplies_, and the enemy will quickly leave the citadel."

MCDXVII.--EPIGRAM.

THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes,
"Nature the shoulder to the burden suits";
Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,
Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.

MCDXVIII.--A FOWL JOKE.

A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the _hens_ (_N_) division. "Do you mean in the _Poultry_?" asked the Judge.

MCDXIX.--AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.

IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his _great expenses_, he asked the ex-Master of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a _fortnight_."

MCDXX.--OLD FRIENDS.

COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes," replied the wit; "_Hook_ and _eye_ are old associates."

MCDXXI.--A REASON.

"I WISH you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you there," was the answer. "Why?"--"Because I never wish _to see you again_!"

MCDXXII.--HONOR.

DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "_We should have all offered_," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money _had not been set as the price of this action_."

MCDXXIII.--JUST AS WONDERFUL.

A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you ever see a _cat-fish_?"--"No," was the response, "but I've seen a _rope-walk_."

MCDXXIV.--CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.

"WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."--"Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"--"_My wife_."

MCDXXV.--QUESTION ANSWERED.

THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where is my fellow?"--"_Not in England_, I'll swear," said a bystander.

MCDXXVI.--VERY LIKELY.

AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "_Cheap_ defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's _half-pay_,--nothing a-day and find yourself."

MCDXXVII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity!
Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.

MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.

"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "_I can wait_."

MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.

"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her _only_ defect."

MCDXXX.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.

SMART waiter, be contented with thy state,
The world is his who best knows how to wait.

MCDXXXI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the _tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed."

MCDXXXII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its _first brewhouse?_--S.S.

MCDXXXIII.--A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, "Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_."--"Then where will _the master_ go in?" asked a cynic.

MCDXXXIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

THY praise or dispraise is to me alike;
One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.

MCDXXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the baron; "whom did _he rob_?"

MCDXXXVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many _good_ ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take."

MCDXXXVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation.--S.S.

MCDXXXVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy _oak_ at Westminster, and a _willow_ at St James's."

MCDXXXIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. "Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the _tide_ tarrieth for no man."

MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and _hear it_."

MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.

IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places left, so I booked you _one in_ and _one out_."

MCDXLII.--THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.

I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come," said he, "for your good--_for all your goods_."--"A universal principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other truths, only _told by mistake_."

MCDXLIII.--DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.

SHIELD, while the supplicating poor
Ask thee for _meat_ with piteous moans;
More humble I approach thy door,
And beg for nothing but thy _bones_.

MCDXLIV.--COOKING HIS GOOSE.

THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his tailor's _fault_."--"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his _misfortune_ too!"

MCDXLV.--TAKE WARNING!

A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my _coat_, I should, too late, find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."

MCDXLVI.--"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."

HOOD says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its _broad brim_."

MCDXLVII.--CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.

DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I _pass_ this account; if I live, I'll _examine it_."

MCDXLVIII.--ON A SQUINTING POETESS.

TO no _one_ muse does she her glance confine,
But has an eye, at once, to _all the nine_.

MCDXLIX.--A NEAT SUGGESTION.

A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece of _soap_ and a _nailbrush_."

MCDL.--SCOTCH "WUT."

IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name of _Wut_, is so infinitely distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my lord, is very true of love in the _aibstract_, but----" Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.

MCDLI.--WHERE IT CAME FROM.

A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get _such a nose_ as this?"--"Out of the _decanter, madam_," replied the doctor.

MCDLII.--QUIN AND CHARLES I.

QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I.,--"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?" Quin replied, "By all the _laws_ that he had _left them_."

MCDLIII.--TIMELY FLATTERY.

A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch, madam, makes us _remember_ the hours, and you make us _forget_ them."

MCDLIV.--EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.

TO gull the public two contractors come,
One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum.
Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,
A rogue in _spirit_, or a rogue in _grain_?

MCDLV.--TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.

A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone _through Euclid_, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a _small village_ between Wigan and Preston.

MCDLVI.--AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.

A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is de _pink_ of beauty."--"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter."--"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de _drab_ of fashion."

MCDLVII.--A CLOSE TRANSLATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that _in places where I do not understand Juvenal, I likewise do not understand you_."

MCDLVIII.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.

A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother," expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are brothers,--_brothers-in-law_."

MCDLIX.--ONLY A NINEPIN.

THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox, entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence," replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of _Lord Lonsdale's ninepins_."

MCDLX.--DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE
COMPOSER.

SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,
Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),
Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
And for to-morrow's _treat_ pray send thy _bones_!