Chapter III: Part 3

AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."--"O yes," retorted the half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for _yesterday_ and _to-day_ yet, father."

CCLXXXI.--A QUERY ANSWERED.

"WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings
No jester to their courts admit?"
"They're grown such stately solemn things,
To bear a joke they think not fit.
But though each court a jester lacks,
To laugh at monarchs to their faces,
Yet all mankind, behind their backs,
Supply the honest jesters' places."

CCLXXXII.--A WOMAN'S PROMISES.

ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?"--"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which the Queen returned, "I must not _confute_ you, Sir Edward," and she left him.

CCLXXXIII.--THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.

SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of _service_ one way or the other."

CCLXXXIV.--ROYAL FAVOR.

A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me _stand out of the way_."

CCLXXXV.--BLACK AND WHITE.

THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
And boast that they are only blessed with light.
Peel's politics to both sides so incline,
He may be called the _equinoctial line_.

CCLXXXVI.--THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to be apprehended."

CCLXXXVII.--A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.

DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus replied:--

"Ancient Phyllis has young graces,
'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.
Shall I tell you how?
She herself makes her own faces,
And each morning wears a new one!
_Where's the wonder now_?"

CCLXXXVIII.--BRIGHT AND SHARP.

A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and _vice versâ_. "What a _very sensible boy_, sir, must _you_ have been!" returned the child.

CCLXXXIX.--A WOODMAN.

A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great _deal_ every morning."--"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a _timber-yard_," was the rejoinder.

CCXC.--HUMAN HAPPINESS.

A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the _happiest_ fellows in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped."

CCXCI.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship, "all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may _fit him_!"

CCXCII.--A DESERVED RETORT.

A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's _lands_, which is more than you can say."

CCXCIII.--A POETICAL SHAPE.

WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was _in and out_, like the lines of _a Pindaric ode_.

CCXCIV.--A COMMON CASE.

A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived? "Where I _live_," said he, "I don't know; but I _starve_ towards Wapping, and that way."

CCXCV.--EPIGRAM.

YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:
Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.

CCXCVI.--TOO COLD TO CHANGE.

A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam," answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any _habit_, be it ever so bad."

CCXCVII.--SEALING AN OATH.

"Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,
"In earnest love me as you say;
Or are those tender words applied
Alike to fifty girls beside?"
"Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,
For by those eyes,--those _lips_ I swear!"
She stopped me as the oath I took,
And cried, "You've sworn,--_now kiss the book_."

CCXCVIII.--A NEAT QUOTATION.

LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant _Joy_, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. _Hope_, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:--

"_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
That _Joy_ would soon return."

CCXCIX.--GOOD SPORT.

A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. "Thirty-three _hairs_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a _wig_."

CCC.--AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.

A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty _hearse_ came by; on which his lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send _you a fare_." This operated so strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon, and returned home in a whole skin.

CCCI.--A GOOD SERVANT.

"I CAN'T conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do."--"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."--"A place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,--pray what place?"--"_I am my own steward_."

CCCII.--BALANCING ACCOUNTS.

THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of _my father's_," replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.

CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.

A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added another, "you have _now_ done it for the first time."

CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.

A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was _smuggled_."

CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.

THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compassion_: "Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"

CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.

AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will fit it_."

CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.

WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
Just as hungry dogs we see;
Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
Throw a couple, they agree.

CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.

A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady, modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_."

CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.

WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The hint was taken, and old George provided for.

CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED.

A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I wish I could give _warning_ too."

CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT.

A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a _capacity_: but for _that_ deficiency you know we must not blame _her_."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame _you_ for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a _capacity_; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."

CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.

IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping _physic_ into the street be any proof of insanity."--"True, my lord," replied the counsel, "but sweeping the _pots_ away, certainly was."

CCCXIII.--CRUEL SUGGESTION.

LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your presence."--"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower?"--"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, "inflict a severer punishment,--_send him back to Scotland_!"

CCCXIV.--AN ODD FELLOW.

LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my _fellow be_?"--"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be near him, "_not in Europe_."

CCCXV.--POST-MORTEM.

ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made, intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs, madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."--To which she instantly replied, "But not till he was _dead_."

CCCXVI.--KNOWING HIS PLACE.

AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run up after that boy."--"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to _follow your Majesty_."

CCCXVII.--AN ATTIC JEST.

SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead a label, "To let."--"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_," rejoined the father.

CCCXVIII.--CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.

LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your whiskers on the _peace establishment_?"--"When you place your tongue on the _civil list_!" was the rejoinder.

CCCXIX.--A READY RECKONER.

A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (_bore_?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the scales, and I will _tell you immediately_."

CCCXX.--CATCHING HIM UP.

AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be _both_ of an age."

CCCXXI.--A STOPPER.

A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the _stay_-maker.

CCCXXII.--A BOOK CASE.

THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law-books!"--"Better _read_ them, my lord," was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

CCCXXIII.--HINC ILLE LACHRYMÆ.

"THE mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A----ll, "is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love every fortnight."--"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the _press_, and wipes his eyes with _the public_."

CCCXXIV.--REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.

IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or conferred a favor on any man living, _no one would pray for him_."

CCCXXV.--A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.

BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like, and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher thumped the cushion."

CCCXXVI.--STONE BLIND.

LORD BYRON'S valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my lord, what capital _mantelpieces_ that marble would make in England!"

CCCXXVII.--AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.

IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. "I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play, and as I can find _no trace_ of _a plot_ in either, you may go free."

CCCXXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.

DR. JOHNSON was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied the doctor; "I wish it were _impossible_."

CCCXXIX.--MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.

NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects crawling about it, which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest, grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.--S.S.

CCCXXX.--PLEASANT DESERTS.

A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to attend you,--you _deserve_ to be ill."

CCCXXXI.--A HOME ARGUMENT.

BY one decisive argument
Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,
To fix the bridal day.
"Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed?
I shall not change my mind," she said.
"But then," says he, "I _may_."

CCCXXXII.--A BAD PEN.

"NATURE has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold, speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind. "Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."

CCCXXXIII.--WIGNELL THE ACTOR.

ONE of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was _Cato_: and on its revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his old-established part of _Portius_; and having stepped forward with a prodigious though accustomed strut, began:--

"The dawn is overcast; the morning lowers,
And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day."

The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue! prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it were part of the play:--

"Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no
Prologue spoken to this play these twenty years--
The great, the important day, big with the fate
Of Cato and of Rome."

This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed immoderately, clapped, and shouted "_Bravo_!" and Wignell still continued with his usual composure and stateliness.

CCCXXXIV.--CANDOR.

A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain enough," said Macklin; "_impudence_,--nothing but stark-staring impudence!"

CCCXXXV.--A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.

A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments, complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head. "No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without _anything_ in it."

CCCXXXVI.--READY REPLY.

THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green, when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,--"Sir, I never look out of my window but I see you walking across the grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk across the grass-plot, but I _see you_ looking out of your window." The master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window, convulsed with laughter.

CCCXXXVII.--FULL PROOF.

LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be roughly treated, said,--"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only _five guineas_ in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and acclamations.

CCCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.

IN merry Old England it once was the rule,
The king had his poet and also his fool;
But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,
That Cibber can serve both for _fool_ and for _poet_.

CCCXXXIX.--A PROPHECY.

CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why," answered the comedian, "he is going to _draw houses_, like his father."

CCCXL.--A FIXTURE.

DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily, "Get out of the way, boy."--"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously, "is a _post-boy_, who never turns out of the way for anybody."

CCCXLI.--FAMILY PRIDE.

A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato. John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist _twa_ in the dish, and they maun be _keepit_ for the strangers."

CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: "What was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?" Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen _feet_." Witness: "Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?" Counsel: "You did." Witness: "_If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet_!--you don't catch me crossing myself!"

CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.

DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend
To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
Should his differ from ours on any pretence,
We pity his want both of judgment and sense;
But if he falls into and flatters our plan,
Why, really we think him a sensible man.

CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.

IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning to _spell_ are requested to use _yesterday's paper_."

CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.

A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was "the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part. "Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you were the _worst_ actor in the world."--"True," replied the other, "but then I had not _seen you_."

CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!

SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester road, "Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS." Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--

"Then as like as two chips
Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS."

CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.

CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of _drowning_, "What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being _introduced_ to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on, leaving the poor fellow to his fate.

CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On interminable harangues.)

YE fates that hold the vital shears,
If ye be troubled with remorse,
And will not cut ----'s _thread of life_,
Cut then the _thread of his discourse_.

CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.

A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding. "Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the _bottom_, I'll warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths. "You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"--"Ay," replied the other, "but you are not _half-way_ to the bottom yet."

CCCL.--SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

"----," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he _knows nothing_.

CCCLI.--TWO OF A TRADE.

WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this season, but he will be _robbing_ Harris (the manager) the next."

CCCLII.--A STRAY SHOT.

AN officer, in battle, happening to _bow_, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."

CCCLIII.--MILESIAN ADVICE.

"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is _to shut his eyes_."

CCCLIV.--MR. ABERNETHY.

A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."--"Why then, ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for _doing so_."

CCCLV.--THE DEBT PAID.

To John I owed great obligation,
But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation;
Sure John and I are more than quit.

CCCLVI.--EXTREMES MEET.

A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."--"Extremes meet sometimes," said Jerrold.

CCCLVII.--A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.

A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent _ha, ha, ha!_ becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that _you_ can comprehend."

CCCLVIII.--TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.

GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audience."--"Suppose, then," said Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:--

Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,
Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel--"

"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players off the stage and pull the house down."--"My lord," said Garrick, "what is the use of an address if it does not come home to the _business_ and _bosoms_ of the audience?"

CCCLIX.--A GOOD REASON.

A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to consider that they have _nothing_ else to do."

CCCLX.--FOLLOWING A LEADER.

FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest when they were _praising you_!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the matter.

CCCLXI.--IDOLATRY.

THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.

CCCLXII.--TWICE RUINED.

"I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I _lost_ a lawsuit, and once when I _gained_ one."

CCCLXIII.--Q.E.D.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of this parish."--"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that be?"--"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the fathers, and consequently _I am master_ of the whole parish."

CCCLXIV.--SHORT STORIES.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"--"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird; "but they're unco' _short_."

CCCLXV.--ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.

IF ancient poets Argus prize,
Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
Sure greater praise to her is due,
Who looks a hundred ways with two.

CCCLXVI.--AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.

FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a _black lady of great accomplishments_.

CCCLXVII.--DEMOCRATIC VISION.

HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a _king_ from a _knave_."

CCCLXVIII.--FISHY, RATHER.

LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."

CCCLXIX.--LIGHT BREAD.

A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a _pound_ of it weighs only _twelve_ ounces.

CCCLXX.--SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.

THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as _you_ my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be."

CCCLXXI.--ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.

AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,
On velvet rests, 'tis said;
Ah! did he seek a softer place,
He'd rest upon his head.

CCCLXXII.--POLITICAL CORRUPTION.

CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his _dirty_ elevation.

CCCLXXIII.--A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.

A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, "Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to _take off_ his hat!"

CCCLXXIV.--A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.

IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us a _new hat_, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!

CCCLXXV.--EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.

FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,
Death _took him off, who took off all_ the world.

CCCLXXVI.--THE ANGRY OCEAN.

"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what makes the ocean get angry?"--"Because it has been _crossed_ so often, my son."

CCCLXXVII.--BREVITY.

DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."--"A poultice," quietly answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said, "Better."--"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,--your fee?"--"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I ever saw."

CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense,
He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
For from the fact we draw the inference,
He's that which never has been made _a peer_.

CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.

A QUAKER said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be thy design _to hit_ the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower."

CCCLXXX.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.

AT the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr. Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"--"admit _two pounds two_."

CCCLXXXI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.

HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray,
'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
'Tis that his labors always lay,
Less on his brain than on his _jaws_.

CCCLXXXII.--MARRIAGE.

A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my dear, nobody regrets _her loss_ more than I do."

CCCLXXXIII.--FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.

A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the _length_ of my sermon to-day?"--"No, sir, not at all; nor by the _depth_ either!" The young man was silent.

CCCLXXXIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.

AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a _huge scar_ on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.

CCCLXXXV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.

THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by _fixing_ the weathercock in that direction.

CCCLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.

WE every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:
That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,
Must bring forth the name of their author to light.
Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,
The bad own their _Edge_ and the good own their _worth_.

CCCLXXXVII.--KEEN REPLY.

A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has _made its nest_."

CCCLXXXVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.

IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other _speakers_ in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the example of their President.

CCCLXXXIX.--A CERTAINTY.

A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning, Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument next?"--"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and _you_ are doctoring him; then I _keep right on_."

CCCXC.--NOMINAL RHYMES.

THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.

IS that dace or perch?
Said Alderman Birch;
I take it for herring,
Said Alderman Perring.
This jack's very good,
Said Alderman Wood;
But its bones might a man slay,
Said Alderman Ansley.
I'll butter what I get,
Said Alderman Heygate.
Give me some stewed carp,
Said Alderman Thorp;
The roe's dry as pith,
Said Alder_men_ Smith.
Don't cut so far down,
Said Alderman Brown;
But nearer the fin,
Said Alderman Glyn.
I've finished, i'faith, man,
Said Alderman Waithman:
And I too, i'fatkins,
Said Alderman Atkins.
They've crimped this cod drolly,
Said Alderman Scholey;
'T is bruised at the ridges,
Said Alderman Brydges.
Was it caught in a drag? Nay,
Said Alderman Magnay.
'T was brought by two men,
Said Alderman Ven-
ables: Yes, in a box,
Said Alderman Cox.
They care not how _fur 'tis_,
Said Alderman Curtis;
From air kept, and from sun,
Said Alderman Thompson;
Packed neatly in straw,
Said Alderman Shaw:
In ice got from Gunter,
Said Alderman Hunter.
This ketchup is sour,
Said Alderman Flower;
Then steep it in claret,
Said Alderman Garret.

CCCXCI.--A BROAD HINT.

CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the king said, "That's a good stroke for a _dean_."--"I'll give it the stroke of a _bishop_ if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive rejoinder.

CCCXCII.--VAILS TO SERVANTS.

TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take _silver_."--"Don't you, indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then _I do_."

CCCXCIII.--QUITE TRUE.

AVARICE is criminal poverty.

CCCXCIV.--CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.

"I'm very glad," to E--b--h said
His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
"That 'tis the outer product of your head,
And not the _inner_, you _commit to paper_!"

CCCXCV.--THE POLITE SCHOLAR.

A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every _coxcomb_ the wall." The scholar answered, "But _I do, sir_;" and so passed by him.

CCCXCVI.--A COOL HAND.

AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear," replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave _me_ for _you_."

CCCXCVII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail."--"That is very likely," answered the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors never consent to,--_suffering a recovery_."

CCCXCVIII.--RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.

A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"--"Voight for my King," answered Hodge, "why, has he _fawn out_ wi' ony body?"

CCCXCIX.--AN ANECDOTE.

E--D--N was asked by one of note,
Why merit he did not promote;
"For this good reason," answered he,
"'Cause _merit ne'er promoted me_."

CD.--DIDO.

OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the man an injury, yet _he would read his tragedy to me_."

CDI.--EXTREME SIMPLICITY.

A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine, indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was _ice_ in it."

CDII.--NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.

DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, "Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made _wretched_ in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll _summons_ you, sir!"

CDIII.--AS YOU LIKE IT.

AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, "because _nobody_ knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because _everybody_ knew him."

CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.

ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine, in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of _Bolt upright_."

CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.

ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you what, I _won't say_ a word about it."

CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.

IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.

CDVII.--ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

(To those in want of employment.)

Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,
Is always sure to find a _vacancy_.

CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."

A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the _Times_ newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. "Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living in the country,--it is equal to a _day's fishing_."

CDIX.--PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.

DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well, madam, considering that I have _three_ adversaries."

CDX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)

YES, in debate we must admit,
His argument is quite profound;
His reasoning's _deep_, for _deuce a bit_
Can anybody _see the ground_.

CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--

Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
I advise you to give it without any flummery,
For though his name's _Winter_, his actions are _summary_.

CDXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)

THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.

CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.

A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn."

CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.

LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ---- has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is _dangerously well_ again."

CDXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)

LET none because of its abundant _locks_,
Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"
Has anything worth larceny within it.

CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.

A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works_."

CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.

JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!"

CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

LIFE is a lottery where we find
That fortune plays full many a prank;
And when poor ---- got his mind,
'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.

CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.

ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_."

CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned! "How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.

CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.

"_Cracked_ China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it!

CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.

CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at _one ear_ and went out at _the other_!"

CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.

ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes, as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He _sees_!"

CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.

AT a tavern one night,
Messrs. _More_, _Strange_, and _Wright_
Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
Says More, "Of us three,
The whole town will agree,
There is only one knave, and that's _Strange_."
"Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
"I'm sure there's one _More_,
A most terrible knave and a bite,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister and brother."--
"O yes," replied More, "that is _Wright_."

CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an _attorney_, he would have _stolen the bowl_ as well as the ladle."

CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.

THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing _Macbeth_, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke; take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you, sir!"--"_Not if it was vitriol_!" was the rejoinder.

CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a _young_ lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day. To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--

£ s. d.
At top, fish, two herrings 0 0 1
Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
melted 0 0 0-3/4
Bottom, a mutton chop, divided 0 0 2
On one side, one pound of small potatoes 0 0 0-1/2
On the other side, pickled cabbage 0 0 0-1/2
First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0 0 1-1/2
Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
pudding 0 0 0-1/2
Parsley for garnish 0 0 0-1/4
----------
£0 0 7

--Seven dishes for sevenpence!

CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.

OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."

CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.

TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?" said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the _eight_ of clubs and take it!"

CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."

A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah! sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_."

CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions.

CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.

GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his heart.

CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T. Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--

"I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen,
But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men."

CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass, "that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so good in it."

CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit, "why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned him_."

CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.

"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_ a-day?"

CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that he has, except two," replied the man; "and _one_ is, that he is hard to catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir! that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when you _have_ caught him."

CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.

A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was, because there was a _heavy mortgage_ on it.

CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.

MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of _blotting-paper_."

CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.

AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The _font_ is at the other end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought _this child to be christened_."

CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the _accident_ of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but _a darn_ is premeditated poverty."

CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.

A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here _for want_?"--"No faith, sir," replied Andrew, "we have _enough_ of that at home."

CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.

DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--

"A thousand different shapes wit wears,
Comely in thousand shapes appears;
'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
Admired with laughter at a feast;
Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
The proofs of wit for ever must remain."

CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.