Chapter V: Part 5

A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this _tête-à-tête_ the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have _your wish_." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.

DLXXXVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.

HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow to the flowers."

DLXXXVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR
ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.

UPON its lofty column's stand
Napoleon takes his place:
His back still turned upon that land
That never saw his face.

DLXXXVIII.--OLD TIMES.

A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile, replied, "Look among _the robberies_."

DLXXXIX.--AN ARCADIAN.

A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this was called _work_, and well paid!"

DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.

IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see, madam, wherever _you_ go there are _no seats_ to be got."

DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.

"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we _do_ row in the same boat, but with very different skulls."

DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.

SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater."

DXCIII.--THE RULING PASSION.

IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket, doctor?" groaned out poor George.

DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)

LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
Which is to me a mystery profound;
He leaves the _circuit_! he, of whom they say,
That he delights in constant _turning round_.

DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.

DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, _Measure for Measure_!"

DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.

THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their _ain feet_."

DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.

A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the _credit_ I give in that way."

DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.

A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the farmer; "these are not the _only ducks_ of the same sort I've had stolen lately."

DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.

A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling, neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."

DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.

MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters, "Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thicknesse, _father_ of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and the board was removed.

DCI.--DELICATE HINT.

QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters, says, "_My better half_, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."

DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.

AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been 'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy, with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a smell o' speerits _amang us_ this mornin'!"

DCIII.--EPIGRAM.

A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
The watch kept time; and if time will away,
I see no reason why the watch should stay.
You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.

DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.

AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."

DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.

A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I should be _in your debt_ for the _remainder_; how can that be if I _pay_ it?"

DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.

IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do _no manner of work_.

DCVII.--STERNE.

SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne; "but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not deal in _scruples_."

DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?

MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following anecdote:--

Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he, moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied, "Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then I shall erase _your_ name and insert _theirs_."

DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.

A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O, tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."

DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.

"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility."

DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.

KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called _Ignoramus_, an ingenious thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one _Sleep_ made him _wake_, and in Oxford one _Wake_ made him _sleep_.

DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.

GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
"She died of _milk and water on the brain_."

DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.

A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was _wrecked_ hereabout somewhere."

DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.

A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at Wit."

DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.

A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance, said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to _employ you_ in that capacity?"

DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.

WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have found it _hard_ to have been assailed with his _own constituents_.

DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.

AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my _ain_ groats in ither folk's kail?"

DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.

WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will _excuse_ me this _fault_, I promise, if I live, to mend it."

DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)

---- ----'S discourses from his _heart_
Proceed, as everybody owns;
And thus they prove the poet's art,
Who says that "sermons are in _stones_."

DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.

A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that he had _lost_ all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time, sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I _lost_ all my large estate in Yorkshire."

DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.

AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken _all_ the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.

DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.

"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not see you before."

"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the _whole_ of them."

DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.

SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The _Lie of the Day_!"
"Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we _act the same_;
But to cozen the town we adopt a _new name_;
For that _Vortigern's_ Shakespeare's we some of us say,
Which you very well know is a _lie_ of the day."

DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.

LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I _never_ heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.

DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."

A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to _ignore_ a bill. "Write _Ignoramus for self and fellows_ on the back of it," said Curran.

DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.

DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr. Wharton, then at Winchester school:--

If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.

DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.

A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I _give_ you the _hint_?"

DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.

A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.

DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.

WHEN Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,
She wept in silence, and was _Di-Do-Dumb_.

DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.

A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted round the corner, and was _out of sight_ in a moment.

DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.

SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion _literatim_. Sir Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting behind him, jocularly whispered, "_and be whipped at the cart's tail_."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.

DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.

KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir, whose _fault_ is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.

DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.

SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly, overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.

_Q._ Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?

_A._ Yes.

_Q._ You are a stock-broker?

_A._ I _ham_!

Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And a very fine, well-dressed _ham_ you are, sir?"

The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the witness, and the counsel's point was gained.

DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.

IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said to Barrow,--

"_Quid est fides_?" (What is faith?)

"_Quod non vides_" (What thou dost not see),

answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--

"_Quid est spes_?" (What is hope?)

"_Magna res_" (A great thing),

replied the young candidate in the same breath.

"_Quid est charitas_?" (What is charity?)

was the next question.

"_Magna raritas_" (A great rarity),

was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow, Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to _examine us than we him_." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.

DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.

"PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."

Thus translated--

"There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:
Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."

DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.

A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in life.

DCXXXVII.--BACON.

A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_. To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be _Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_."

DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.

SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."

DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.

JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window."

DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.

JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe, "here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_, that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so, calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow morning, and _I will satisfy you_." The men bowed, and went away pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have _no scruples_. We are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.

DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.

SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no _periods_ to their works."

DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.

LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, "Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not let me linger; I see you have _not faggots enough_." This good-humored speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.

DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.

THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.

DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.

PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only _a-liquid_!" answered Porson.

DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.

THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street, Strand, where he resided:--

_J.S._--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
And ten dark coal barges are moored:
Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
For there's _craft_ in the river, and _craft_ in the
street."

_Sir G.R._--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
For the attorneys are _just_ at the top of the street,
And the barges are _just_ at the bottom."

DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.

JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied, "and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When this you see, remember me.'"

DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.

THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what _new_ character he should go in. "Go sober!" said Foote.

DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.

DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be _dry eneuch_ when ye get into the _pu'pit_."

DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.

A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than _six_ tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me a headache."

DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.

PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if by common consent, is the following:--

_Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish Member of Parliament, to his friend in London._

MY DEAR SIR,--

Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little; we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face, but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed, we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns, except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water, and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my ideas.

I have only time to add that I am in great haste.

Yours truly,
---- ----.

P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried, therefore I beg you will write to let me know.

DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.

(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall of Sparta.")

SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
We caught the Spartan fortitude,
And saw their woes without _a tear_!

DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.

SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door, "Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.

DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.

A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert. "Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my _wine in pills_!"

DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.

IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant, doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon us!--D.J.

DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.

AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the _bowl_ to be introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a toast, "The trade of Glasgow and _the outward bound_;" the hint was taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.

DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.

WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre, in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of _Polly_, expressed a wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher; to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must sing, 'The Miser thus a _Guinea_ sees.'"

DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.

AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more, Sempronius,--we'll do _without_ it."

DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.

DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre Delpini, I must go to your _papa's_ bench."

DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.

A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c., having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating him to _Zeidlitz_ powders.

DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.

VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.

DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.

WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the following piece of intelligence: "_Yarn_ has risen one farthing a pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.

DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.

WESTMACOTT, of the _Age_ paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done _already_." A similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.

DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.

THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivants_ of the day graced the dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, _inter alia_, the late George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, "Come at seven, _go it_ at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret was punished accordingly.

DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.

JERROLD said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without the head or the point."

DCLXV.--A LONG BILL.

WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It should have been Woodcock, _by the length of your bill_!"

DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.

WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at _the main_, Admiral! white at _the main_!"

DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.

TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as like as _two peas_."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as _green_."

DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.

THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of _Romeo_, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of the public by performing _Romeo_ himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when _Juliet_ in soliloquy exclaims, "_O Romeo, Romeo_, wherefore art thou _Romeo_?" an auditor archly replied, aloud, "_Because Barry has gone to the other house_."

DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.

MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you _Fox_ hunting, or _Hare_ hunting this morning?"

DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix _equal_ quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it _As you like it_?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is _Measure for Measure_."

DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.

JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see _that_, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just mentioned; "and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its due?"--"Riding _alone_," coolly replied Paddy.

DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.

SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_."

DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.

"I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
Said a punster perusing a trial;
"I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
He's been _Vaux et præterea nihil_."

DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.

DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.

DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_."

DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.

AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,
Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;
Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,
Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."
Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!
If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll _starve me_!"

DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.

A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it poured forth _volumes_ of smoke! _Volumes_, did I say? Whole _encyclopædias_!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two _mandami_.

DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.

DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do you remember my Baroness in _Ask no Questions_?" said Mr. S. "Yes, indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck by your _barrenness_," was the retort.

DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.

HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.

DCLXXX.--PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.

A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles, without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy chiel'll no _tell muckle_ that you and I _said_ till him."

DCLXXXI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.

MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;" upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain _common sense_, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."

DCLXXXII.--A SETTLER.

A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir," stammered out Lamb, "will _depend_ upon the boiled legs of mutton."

DCLXXXIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.

PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, "Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it be as like _two shillings_ as you can."

DCLXXXIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.

THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,
Is built upon the fool or madman's head.

DCLXXXV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND.

COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him, "B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head, and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"_consider the fright_!"

DCLXXXVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.

THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So friend, I see that thou hast not yet _forgiven_ God Almighty." This seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and went about her necessary business and avocations.

DCLXXXVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.

A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she, "thee must not do it."--"O, _by Jove!_ but I must," said the youth. "Well, friend, as thee hast _sworn_, thee may do it, but thee must not make a practice of it."

DCLXXXVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!

WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to be off!"

DCLXXXIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.

SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time, especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat, and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '_Go ahead_!'"

DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.

SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." Once on _terra-firma_, the doctor's view of the case was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave you to manage him--_I'll walk back_."

DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?

LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_.'"

DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.

A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a _mute_.

DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?" After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the owner _to sell_ as soon as possible."

DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.

SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so _large_ a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so _green_."

DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.

DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--

"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it."

"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."

"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."

"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a stone of some bigness."

"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone."

"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump o' chalk!"

DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.

A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other, "I preach twice every Sunday, and _make nothing_ of it."

DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.

STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose, Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are _gluttons_," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of _me_, but the _epicures_ will attack you!"

DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.

IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own _watery bier_."

DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS),
WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."

THIS name's the best that could be given,
As will by proof be quickly seen;
For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
She was, of course, the _raining Queen_.

DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.

IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my administration has been attended with a different effect."

"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand, and _up starts_ a patriot."

DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."

WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not _help myself_."

DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.

THE first of all the royal infant males
Should take the title of the Prince of _Wales_;
Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.

DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.

A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign was. He answered, that it was _a sign_ he was drunk.

DCCIV.--FALSE QUANTITIES.

A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.

DCCV.--NOT TRUE.

A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much _unlike_ other men, he is more likely to make a good husband."

DCCVI.--BETTING.

THE folly of _betting_ is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters: "Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said it would affect the fairness of the bet."

DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.

PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of attempting to light a cigar at _a pump_."

DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.

THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
Passes near your parish spire;
Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
E'er will overwhelmed expire.
Put not then your hopes in weepers,
Solid work my road secures;
Preach whate'er you will--_my_ sleepers
Never will awaken _yours_.

These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the _last ever written_ by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented author,--James Smith.

DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.

COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed, "_Them's the jockeys for me_!"

DCCX.--EQUALITY.

A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I _won't_ keep off; I have as much _right_ to be here as you!"

DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.

AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, replied, "I am _concerned_ for the plaintiff, but I'm _retained_ by the defendant."

DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.

WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would spend £50,000 rather than he should _come in_. Whitbread, with true English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would pay for that.

DCCXIII.--TRUE EVIDENCE.

A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"--"Jacob."--"What are you?"--"General dealer."--"Do you keep a shop?"--"No."--"How then do you dispose of your goods?"--"To the _best advantage_, my good fellow."

DCCXIV.--DR. YOUNG.

DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go, one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:--

"Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,
And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.
Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;
His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."

DCCXV.--A YANKEE YARN.

MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?"--"Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.

DCCXVI.--SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.

THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld sermon, for the minister had preached it no' _sax months_ syne."

DCCXVII.--LOVE OF THE SEA.

LOVE the sea? I dote upon it,--from the beach.--D.J.

DCCXVIII.--UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.

A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think, sir."--"Whew, may be it is so, measter, for you _teaches_ me, but I _feeds_ myself."

DCCXIX.--COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.

AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family plate,--_the fetters and handcuffs_!

DCCXX.--A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.

A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be _capped_? Are they not _fellows_?"

DCCXXI.--A MEDICAL OPINION.