Chapter VII: Part 7

IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt. This cannot be; for instead of _contracting_ it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it.

DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.

AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny lasses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it neither _applies_ to you nor me."

DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.

MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one _more_."

DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.

OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. "Some puny things," he said, "have died of _learning_ to drink, but no man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.

DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.

THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why, sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated the astonished doctor, "I never _saw any ye had to renounce_!"

DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.

AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--

"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady!"

"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.

DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.

MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with the new coal-sacks?"--"Made _pillows_ on 'em," replied the son. "Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take th' _ould_ ones?"

DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.

A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX," concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent _home gratis_ in a wheelbarrow, if required."

DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.

CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with _blindness_, what must have been the crimes of your father which it punished with _death_!"

DCCCLXXX.--WHOSE?

SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon an empty stomach."--"_Upon whose_?" said he.

DCCCLXXXI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."

IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of _capping_. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were _freshmen_, and did not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship. "Only _eight_ days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop, "_puppies_ never see till they are _nine_ days old."

DCCCLXXXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)

"THE independence of the Lords is gone,"
Says W----, to truth for once inclined;
And to believe his lordship I am prone,
Seeing that he himself is left behind.

DCCCLXXXIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.

ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. "I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "_you_ are always certain of success. Your pieces have all been tried before."

DCCCLXXXIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.

A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for _those who do_, will not lend me a farthing."

DCCCLXXXV.--WILL AND THE WAY.

AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man who _makes his own will_."

DCCCLXXXVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.

A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend, "your acquaintances find it is much more easy to _retain_ the books themselves, than what is _contained_ in them."

DCCCLXXXVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.

WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were _I_ Duke of Northumberland, perhaps I could be."

DCCCLXXXVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.

MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "_am minded_ to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.

DCCCLXXXIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.

TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to _subscribe_" (here the reader had to turn over leaf) "Myself, _your very obedient servant_," etc.

DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.

BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on with this misreckoning of _ten_; so it was reported to the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the majority, and by this means the bill passed."

DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.

DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can assure you."

DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.

TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he _left his name_ at my door in the morning."

DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah! poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the _Home Circuit_."

DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.

A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good nap, when the proprietor of it (though he _owed so much_) could sleep upon it."

DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.

WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he _felt_ very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy pocket?" inquired the "Friend."

DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.

A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he, "it is to _keep_ my hands in use, lest at any time I should _forget it_."

DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)

HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
Dissect an ass before you try your skill.

DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.

USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally to _clinch the roots_.

DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.

THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?" inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist _not_ to make it _like you_, so they won't know it."

CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.

AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"

Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off? "Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."

Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but _à la tête tranchée_." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop his handkerchief for the signal.

CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.

"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you," replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever _else_ you will, _you_ will be a gainer by the bargain."

CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.

WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "_Keep on as you are_, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to _overtake them_."

CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.

JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial spendthrift.

"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do you think of my grays?"

"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your duns!"

CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.

WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage _art_ does not adorn her: _nature adorns_ her there, and _art glorifies_ her."

CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather," said he, "have _friends_ than hares."

CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.

A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No, sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were _little Else_."

CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.

A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the _wee_ ane," he says, giving as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller has _aye a gey fat sou_."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller. "Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's _expense_ she's fed."

CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.

MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
I first cut _him_, he now cuts _me_.

CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.

TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and _lie_ as I _did_."

CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.

GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."

CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.

YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
And like the _half_ you've pilfered best;
But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
Take courage, man, and _steal the rest_!

CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.

"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all, you are glad to take up with one of _my_ farces."--"Why, yes, David," rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator for this hot weather."

CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.

WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said the wit; "a joke in _your_ mouth is no laughing matter!"

CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.

IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very _limited premises_.

CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.

ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a _life-interest_ in the estate to himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case I rather think your lordship _takes the will for the deed_."

CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.

IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him _ill_ (_Hill_ without _H_) all the days of his life.

CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.

SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared up."--"Just a _little_, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."

CMXVIII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been _practising_ all night."

CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)

IF it's true a newly made M.P.
Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
As the said landlord certainly alleges,
No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
"Some members are too much disposed for pledges."

CMXX.--CUP AND SAUCER.

A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so," said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state of his saucers."

CMXXI.--A NEW READING.

KEMBLE playing _Hamlet_ in the country, the gentleman who acted _Guildenstern_ was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. _Hamlet_ asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"--"My lord, I cannot."--"I pray you."--"Believe me, I cannot."--"I do beseech you."--"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can"; and to the confusion of _Hamlet_, and the great amusement of the audience, he played "God save the king!"

CMXXII.--CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.

SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about _to stand_ at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, for there are very few who can reasonably expect to _sit_.--G. A'B.

CMXXIII.--STRANGE VESPERS.

A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a living?"--"No."--"How does he employ himself?"--"He says mass in the morning."--"And in the evening?"--"In the evening he _don't know what_ he says."

CMXXIV.--A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.

SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it would change the _barren hills_ into _fruitful valleys_."

CMXXV.--AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.

THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean _his departure_.--G. A'B.

CMXXVI.--ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.

A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near the _vertebra_?"--"No, no," said the other; "it was near the _racecourse_."

CMXXVII.--SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.

WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the room, and returned with the beautiful lines:--

"No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;
Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.
Majestic silence," &c.

CMXXVIII.--THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.

MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney. During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed, does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell into a _brown study_, in which she remained for some time. At length, however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig! whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she added, "You should ha' ax'd for _Ould Blackbird_!"

CMXXIX.--A POSER.

FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"--"You have not _tried me_ yet, sir," said Foote.

CMXXX.--MINDING HIS CUE.

MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of _Richmond_; and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating _Lord Stanley_ (for the safety of whose son _Richmond_ is naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:--

Elliston (as _Richmond_). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester town_!

Elliston (as _Richmond_). I mean--ah!--is he missing?

Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester town_!!

And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at that particular moment, have been put to him.

CMXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(On a little member's versatility.)

WHY little Neddy ---- yearns
To _rat_, there is a reason strong,
He needs be _everything by turns_,
Who is by nature _nothing long_.

CMXXXII.--LATE AND EARLY.

THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very _late_ to the office."--"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must remember that I go away _early_." The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover.

CMXXXIII.--FAIR PLAY.

CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first fire."--"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any advantage, you shall _chalk_ my size upon _your body_, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing."

CMXXXIV.--SOMETHING LACKING.

HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B----," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis _lacking_ that should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.

CMXXXV.--THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.

FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
Who values herself on her family's blood:
Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,
_Libera me!_

From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,
Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
And keep a poor curate to do all his work,
_Libera me!_

From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,
But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
And still to bind over will find some pretence,
_Libera me!_

From dealing with great men and taking their word,
From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,
_Libera me!_

From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,
From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,
_Libera me!_

CMXXXVI.--THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.

A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery. "John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride, cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,--"_Crockery_! bring down little _China_."

CMXXXVII.--MEN OF LETTERS.

A CORRESPONDENT, something new
Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
The editor his letter read,
And begged he might be X.Q.Z.

CMXXXVIII.--ELEGANT RETORT.

IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he might resign his office to another, a great _hissing_ was raised in disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made the following elegant retort:--

"_Laudatur ab his_."

CMXXXIX.--SNUG LYING.

A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be buried in the churchyard _there_, because it was so healthy.

CMXL.--A PROPER ANSWER.

A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, "What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that _concern you_."

CMXLI.--GOOD HEARING.

I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
I'm very glad to _hear it_, too, cries Ned.

CMXLII.--AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.

GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"

CMXLIII.--HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.

COOKE was announced one evening to play the _Stranger_ at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder hut--yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this was taken as the _chef-d'oeuvre_ of fine acting, and was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people--you know the value of money--a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost for ever. My son, too--pardon the feelings of a parent--my only son--as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain--not many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed £1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but, too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor played the part.

CMXLIV.--THE SEASON-INGS.

"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four _seasons_ are." Young Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."

CMXLV.--NOT AT HOME.

A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation, referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye _a' up an' awa_?"

CMXLVI.--LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.

ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag, in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:--

"Happy and glorious"--
_Three half-pints_ 'mong _four_ of us,
_Heaven send no more of us_,
God save the Queen!

which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.

CMXLVII.--WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?

HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
Forbade a beard on woman's _chin_ to grow,
For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)
Whose _tongue_ would never let her _chin_ be still!

CMXLVIII.--COOL RETORT.

HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir, was a _digression_: now for the argument."

CMXLIX.--LYING.

DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.--D.J.

CML.--PERTINENT INQUIRY.

A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says the other: "Pray, sir, _did you_?"

CMLI.--A POLITE REBUKE.

CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's ships."--"How's that, sir?"--"Why, _frozen at the pole_!"

CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.

UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last cried out, "_Saw't wi' factors_, ma lord; they are sure to thrive everywhere."

CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.

CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.

WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "_I'll be hanged, then, if I do_."

CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.

A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury _one-and-twenty of them_."

CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.

A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how many years it would take "_to pay_ a little debt of a hundred pounds!"

CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.

LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is _represented_. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country."

CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.

IF by their names we things should call,
It surely would be _properer_,
To term a singing piece a bawl,
A dancing piece a _hopperer_!

CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.

ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear it."--"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.

CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.

A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"--"With pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against _the next_." The joke settled the quarrel.

CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.

A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, "It was not hissed."--"True," said another; "no one can _hiss_ and _gape_ at the same time."

CMLXII.--TROPHIES.

A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many _trophies_ of Louis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen _everywhere_ but in his _own house_."

CMLXIII.--"BRIEF LET IT BE."

WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life? Remember, yours is a _brief_ existence."

CMLXIV.--GOOD ADVICE.

A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."

CMLXV.--EXPECTORATION.

WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.--S.S.

CMLXVI.--A COAT-OF-ARMS.

A GREAT pretender to gentility
Came to a herald for his pedigree:
The herald, knowing what he was, begun
To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,
Told him he was a gentleman of note,
And that he had a very glorious coat.
"Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."
"Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,
One couchant; and, to give it further scope,
A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."

CMLXVII.--DR. SIMS.

A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with great naiveté: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an _emetic_! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would _not stay_ on my stomach either time."

CMLXVIII.--MARRIAGE.

IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

CMLXIX.--BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.

POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"

CMLXX.--INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.

A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the world; now see where I am through my own exertions."--"Well, where are you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now _owe more_ than a thousand pounds!"

CMLXXI.--QUANTUM SUFF.

IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither _het nor cauld_."

CMLXXII.--LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.

A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,--you turned it all into _cheese_ several years ago!"

CMLXXIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.

"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are _you_ put there for but to find that out?"

CMLXXIV.--ACCOMMODATING.

A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, "You speak foolishly." He answered, "_It is that you may understand me_."

CMLXXV.--GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.

FRANK, who will any friend supply,
Lent me ten guineas.--"Come," said I,
"Give me a pen, it is but fair
You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;
Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;--
No need to waste my paper too."

CMLXXVI.--ODD REASON.

A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the _great regard_ we have for each other."

CMLXXVII.--VERY EVIDENT.

GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A GOES KOORED HEAR."--"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people as these can cure agues?"--"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their prescription is,--but _it is not by a spell_."

CMLXXVIII.--OMINOUS, VERY!

A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X---- in?"--"Don't live here," says P----, who was in full scribble over some important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his office."--"Next door."--"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many patients?"--"_Not living_!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in the vicinity.

CMLXXIX.--A REVERSE.

AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned _topsy-turvy_, I'd be livin' on the first flure."

CMLXXX.--ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE
OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.

HIS degradation is complete,
His name with loss of honor branding:
When he resolved to win his seat
He literally lost his standing.

CMLXXXI.--MUSICAL TASTE.

A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----, did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would subscribe too."

CMLXXXII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.

A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying _to catch_ the English accent."

CMLXXXIII.--PORSON _versus_ DR. JOWETT.

DR. JOWETT, who was a _small_ man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some _jeux d'esprit_ among the wags of the University, which induced him to alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the following extemporaneous lines:--

A _little_ garden _little_ Jowett made,
And fenced it with a _little_ palisade;
Because this garden made a _little_ talk,
He changed it to a _little_ gravel walk;
And now, if more you'd know of _little_ Jowett,
A _little_ time, it will a _little_ show it.

CMLXXXIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.

BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues. Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without the other.

CMLXXXV.--HIGH GAMING.

BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an _odd trick_; on which his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room. The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play _so high_ again as long as you live."

CMLXXXVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.

QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?"--"Then very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the _key_ of your _wine-cellar_!"

CMLXXXVII.--A MONSTER.

SYDNEY SMITH said that "the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure."

CMLXXXVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.

A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as _far as it will go_."

CMLXXXIX.--QUID PRO QUO.

SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"--"That's a sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours _ring_?" said Smith. "No," said Brown. "That's a sign it's _cracked_," replied his friend.

CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.

ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ---- approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ----," and then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read the line, "Nor stand _in sinners' way_."

CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.

A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The unfortunate client who appears by me--" and then he came to a full stop; beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the remark, "My unfortunate client--." He did not find his fluency of speech quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite _with you_."

CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.

KEAN once played _Young Norval_ to Mrs. Siddons's _Lady Randolph_: after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity,--but there's _too little_ of you to do anything."

Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play _Othello_."

CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.

AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his opponents.--S.S.

CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.

THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.

CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.

A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said? I am not skilled in any of the _dead_ languages."

CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.

THE Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,
"How sweet a thing is charity,
The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
"It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,
"And instantly I'll go and--ask it."

CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.

AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he _never struck him when he was down_!"

CMXCVIII.--THE RULING PASSION.

THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a _baker_ at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town, Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at the same time, "I have just seen him _shoved_ into the _family oven_."

CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.

THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as far,--it must, for it's ten times as thick.--D.J.

M.--GRAFTING.

VERY dry and pithy too was a legal _opinion_ given to a claimant of the Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a peer, but it would be a peer o' anither _tree_!

MI.--A SHORT CREED.

A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then young man, _your creed_ will be the shortest of any man's I know."

MII.--IN THE DARK.

A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the _puir whales_?" deeming their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.

MIII.--NOT TO BE TEMPTED.

"COME down, this instant," said the boatswain to a mischievous son of Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll give you a good dozen, you rascal!"--"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down if you'd give me _two dozen_!"

MIV.--QUITE POETICAL.

HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of the _Last Ministry_!"

MV.--CORPORATION POLITENESS.

AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
"The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,
Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
But your majesty's courage soon made it appear
That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."

MVI.--A COMMON WANT.

IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:--

"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense--"

"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"

The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.

MVII.--LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.

THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box, belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that "It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."--"Yes, Mr. Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any _freedom_ but yours."

MVIII.--HENRY ERSKINE.

MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow, slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the sight of his _bear_.

MIX.--EPITAPH ON A MISER.

READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.

MX.--SMART REPLY.

SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, "Good morning, mother of asses."--"Good morning, my child," was the reply.

MXI.--CALUMNY.

GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous _bon-vivant_, "They tell me, Sir John, you love a _glass_ of wine."--"Those, sire, who have so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me great injustice; they should have said,--_a bottle_!"

MXII.--LOVE.

THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in life.--D.J.

MXIII.--ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you _change_ countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, _let him_!"

MXIV.--TOO FAST.

TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"--"Are you?" said the other joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and _undo me_."

MXV.--A REVERSE JOKE.

A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his _tail_!"

MXVI.--A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.

THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823, was _Australasia_ (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a _transporting_ one."

MXVII.--HARD-WARE.

A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,--

Such notes, as warbled to the string,
Drew _iron tears_ down Pluto's cheek.

The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything _in iron_ before that could not be made at Birmingham.

MXVIII.--PAINTING AND MEDICINE.

A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are _exposed_ to view; but in medicine, they are _buried_ with the patient."

MXIX.--DOGMATISM

IS pupyism come to its full growth.--D.J.

MXX.--SALAD.

TO make this condiment your poet begs
The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
To add a double quantity of salt.
And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss
A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
O green and glorious!--O herbaceous treat!
'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,
And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
Serenely full, the epicure would say,
"Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"

MXXI.--ACTOR.

A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with wounds, is content with half that sum."--"What!" replied the actor; "and do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to _say so_?"

MXXII.--EPIGRAM.

THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say,
For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.

MXXIII.--CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.

"I RISE for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man _wants_ it more."

MXXIV.--CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.

WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
(I note it here in charity),
Had taste in beauty, and with them
The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]!

MXXV.--DOING HOMAGE.

RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything _goes off_ we must _all go off together_!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.

MXXVI.--SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.

A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--"I can furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White, and before the third page--_he was fast asleep_!"

MXXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)

THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
The House would most willingly spare them;
For it finds they possess such remarkable _weight_,
That it's really a trouble to _bear them_.

MXXVIII.--GOOD AT A PINCH.