Chapter XII: Part 12

WHO seeks to please all men each way,
And not himself offend,
He may begin his work to-day,
But who knows when he'll end?

MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't encourage one another."

MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."

MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret, sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."

MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal to parrots_."

MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest of your countrymen."

MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was paid.

MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_ cannot be deemed _pot_ations."

MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."

MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."

MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote. "Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; "what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."

MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made at the _expense_ of yours."

MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.

A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it would be!"

MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."

MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a _little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the _latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _incumbents_ can afford better than _curates_."

MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, "they _found mine here_ when they comed."

MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see _him_?"

MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.

IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.

MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.

WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. "Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach."

MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.

ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."

MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.

MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_ Manners.'"

MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently thought you better than _nun_."

MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is _too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."

MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a _wise-acre_?"

MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.

MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.

CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."

MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was," said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of _Cu-cum-ber-land_."

MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it there_."

MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.

SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."

MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as _one scraper at the door_ was sufficient.

MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the _little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all _great rascals_."

MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.

'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
Always abuses in his chatter:
He's truly such a thorough flat,
We can't expect to see him _flatter_.

MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible good health at present_."

MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_ sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."

MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_ your face."

MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female assistants were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will not do here."

MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is _nothing to nobody_."

MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"

MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, "Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are right; _honest men_ can have no business here."

MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the _Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_ reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."

MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."

MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference between a _shilling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman," an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."

MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a _wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.

MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."

MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."

MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."

MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is _gone out_ too," replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.

"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, for _I have tried baith_."

MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.

WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have _shown_ me upon this occasion."

MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW

IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.

MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.

AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"

MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.

AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will do_."

MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.

A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. "Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm _responsible_ for the silver."

MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.

DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him: "John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor.

MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."

MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why, yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish _to repentance_."

MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.

A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you had," was Jerrold's reply.

MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards _to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"

MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, "_No matter, Berkeley_."

MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had _brass_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have _sauce_ enough to fill it."

MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following:

"_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"

MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes _larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them _smaller_ than the other!"

MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical _naïveté_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a pig can require_?"

MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.

IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"

MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."

MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)

THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).

MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.

DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."

MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.

A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear," he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_ would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"

MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.

A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you can see only _one_ in mine."

MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."

MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.

SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,
Get out of my way, do you hear?"
Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule
I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."

MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.

THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! "Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."

MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.

A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, "Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.

MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the best matches."

MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.

THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him, exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing, absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the _Equator_."

MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.

SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."

MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.

WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."
At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,
For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.

MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.

A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair gray_!

MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.

A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not digest_."

MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.

THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel _the burden_.

MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well, there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have been something in _the way he said it_."

MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.

WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."

MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.

THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE, that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.

DINNER CODE.

_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._

Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as long as the meal, and ends with it.

Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his guests.

Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two, which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.

_His Duties._

Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the vigorous appetite.

Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.

Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his best security against a violation of this _article_.

Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.

Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.

_Of the Guests._

Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at whatever inconvenience to himself.

Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that of which he has just partaken.

Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be inconsiderately distracted.

Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a _dinde aux truffes_.

Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the Amphitryon.

Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as long as digestion.

Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the person of his cook.

Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who deserts.

_On Vicinity to Ladies._

Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her _cavaliere servente_. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as over his own.

Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey the recommendations of her knight on this subject.

Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the dessert.

_On Vicinity to Men._

Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the _last_ offer becomes an error after one refusal.

Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool the plate in question for both parties.

Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.

Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them is inviting the other to dinner.

Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"

_On Vicinity to Children._

Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.

_On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism._

Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his gayety upon the people who sit round it.

Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine _à la Russe_) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.

Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when serving himself _last_, serve himself also the _best_.

Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of politeness to her.

Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing: never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.

INDEX.

PAGE

A. I, 33

Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244

A Bed of--Where?, 238

Abernethy, Mr., 77

Above Proof, 297

Absent Man, An, 116

Absurdly Logical, 319

Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201

Accommodating, 213

Accommodating Physician, An, 180

Accommodating Principles, 153

Accurate Description, 201

Acres and Wiseacres, 355

Act of Justice, An, 147

Actor, 222

Advantageous Tithe, An, 255

Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88

Advice Gratis, 160

Advice to a Dramatist, 199

Advice to the Young, 138

Affectation, 98

Affectionate Hint, An, 344

Aged Young Lady, The, 235

Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71

Agreeable Practice, An, 248

Agricultural Experiences, 184

Alere Flamman, 252

A-Liquid, 140

Allegorical Representation, 310

All the Difference, 5, 367

All the Same, 314

Almanac-makers, 159

Alone in his Glory, 14

Always the Better, 336

Amende Honorable, The, 310

American Penance, 217

Ample Apology, An, 356

Anecdote, An, 86

Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50

Angry Ocean, The, 81

Answered at Once, 288

Answering her According to her Folly, 345

Anticipated Calamity, An, 349

Anticipation, 110

Any Change for the Better, 220

Any Port in a Storm, 57

Apish Resemblance, An, 322

Apt Reproof, An, 307

Arcadia, 24

Arcadian, An, 128

Architectural Pun, An, 61

Argument, An, 125

Artificial Heat, 28

Artistic Touch, An, 171

As Black as he could be painted, 337

Aspiring Poverty, 345

Assurance and Insurance, 228

As You Like It, 87

At his Fingers' Ends, 106

Attending to a Wish, 169

Attic Jest, An 69

Attired to Tire, 343

Audley, The Late Lord, 130

Auricular Confession, 227

Awkward Orthography, 298

"Aye! There's the Rub", 93

BACK-HANDED HIT, A, 209

Bacon, 138

Bad Bargain, A, 131

Bad Company, 166

Bad Crop, A, 18, 58

Bad Customer, A, 96

Bad End, A, 153

Bad Example, A, 1

Bad Habit, 136

Bad Harvest, A, 23

Bad Judge, A, 287

Bad Label, A, 92

Bad Lot, A, 182

Bad Medium, A, 217

Bad Pen, A, 72

Bad Preacher, A, 226

Bad Shot, A, 12

Bad Sport, 146

Balance, A, 233

Balancing Accounts, 66

Banker's Check, A, 17

Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305

Bark and Bite, 231

Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34

Base Joke, A, 347

Base One, A, 97

Bearable Pun, A, 358

Bear and Van, 16

Bearding a Barber, 2

Benefit of Competition, 212

Best Judge, The, 110

Best Wine, The, 193

Better Known than Trusted, 193

Betting, 155

Bewick, the Engraver, 194

Bill Paid in Full, 228

Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50

Birth of a Prince, The, 178

Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71

Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55

Bit of Moonshine, A, 335

Black and White, 19

Black Joke, A, 159

Black Letter, 101

Black Oils, 18

Blowing a Nose, 55

Book Case, A, 70

Boswell's "Life of Johnson", 154

Braham and Kenney, 237

Bred on the Boards, 162

Brevity, 81

Brevity of Charity, 215

Brief Correspondence, 179

"Brief Let It Be", 210

Bright and Sharp, 63

Bright Rejoinder, A, 346

Bringing his Man Down, 245

Broad-brim Hint, A, 81

Broad Hint, A, 85, 165

Broad-Sheet Hint, A, 75

Broken Head, A, 98

Brotherly Love, 46, 300

Brutal Affections, 67

Budget of Blunders, A, 141

Buried Worth, 56

Burke and Fox, 258

Burke's Tediousness, 270

Business and Pleasure, 326

Busy Bodies, 124

But one Good Translation, 358

Byron Libellous, 342

CABAL, A, 31

Calculation, 105

Calculation, A, 265

Caledonian Comfort, 99

Calf's Head Surprised, 25

Caliban's Looking-glass, 51

Calumny, 220

Cambridge Etiquette, 76

Candid Counsel, A, 156

Candid on both Sides, 222

Candle and Lantern, The, 125

Candor, 73

Canine Poetry, 169

Canning's Parasites, 71

Capital Joke, A, 56

Capital Letter, A, 14

Cap This, 26

Carrots Classically Considered, 222

Cart before the Horse, The, 60

Case of Necessity, A, 189

Cash Payments, 149

Catching him Up, 70

Cause and Effect, 226, 344

Cause of Absence, 40

Cause, The, 158

Cautious Lover, A, 108

Celestial Vision, A, 351

Certain Crop, A, 208

Certainly not Asleep, 109

Certainty, A, 83

Challenging a Jury, 107

Change for a Guinea, 337

Change for the Better, A, 197

Changing Hats, 280

Changing his Coat, 3

Changing his Line, 39

Characteristics, 237

Charitable Wit, 195

Charity and Inconvenience, 326

Charity begins at Home, 312

Charles, Duke of Norfolk, 271

Charles II. and Milton, 192

Chartist not a Leveller, A, 334

Chatham, Lord, 263

Cheap at the Money, 209

Cheap Cure, A, 17

Cheap Watch, A, 168

Check to the King, 22

Cheese and Dessert, 21

Chemical Oddity, 322

Chesterfield, Lord, 37

Chin-Surveying, 280

Choice of Evils, A, 334

Choice Spirits, 180

Church in the Way, The, 246

City Glutton, 358

City Love, 36

City Varnish, A, 61

Claim on the Country, A, 249

Classical Wit, 333

Claw and Claw, 54

Clear Case, A, 122

Clear the Court, 118

Clearing Emigrants, 272

Clerical Wit, 95

Clever Dog, A, 47

Climax, A, 19, 341

Clonmel, Lord, 172

Close Escape, A, 187

Close Translation, A, 317

Closer, A, 313

Coat-of-Arms, A, 211

Cockney Epigram, A, 36

Cold Comfort, 132

"Cold" Compliment, A, 73

Coleridge and Thelwall, 275

College Bell! The, 109

Collins, The late Mr., 24

Colonial Breweries, 313

Colorable Excuse, A, 179

Colorable Resemblance, A, 145

Come of Age, 9

Comedian and a Lawyer, A, 190

Common Case, A, 64

Common Politeness, 195

Common Want, A, 219

Comparative Virtue, 357

Comparison, A, 152, 234, 273

Comparisons are Odious, 2

Complimentary, 4, 362

Compliment, Elegant, 32

Compliment Ill-received, A, 78

Computation, 22

Conceited, but not Seated, 201

Con-cider-ate, 139

Concurrent Events, 134

Conditional Agreement, 315

Confidence, 103, 120

Confidence--taken from the French, 193

Confirmed Invalid, A, 1

Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, 85

Conjugal Caution, 8

Conjugal Conclusion, A, 282

Connoisseur, The, 7

Connubial Compliment, A, 365

Conservative Logic, 300

Considerable Latitude, 44

Considerate Mayor, A, 292

Considerate Son, A, 89

Consistency, 179

Constancy, 245

Constitutional Pun, A, 4

Contraband Scotchman, 67

Convenient Theory, A, 358

Convert, A, 4

Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, 158

Cooking his Goose, 315

Cool as a Cucumber, 356

Cool Hand, A, 85

Cool Proposition, A, 299

Cool Retort, 208

Corporation Politeness, 219

Corruptly Incorruptible, 172

Couleur de Rose, 58

Coulson, Sir Thomas, 232

Credit, 269

Critical Politeness, 30

Criticising a Statue, 152

Critics, 60

Cromwell, 228

Cruel Case, A, 229

Cruel Suggestion, 68

Cup and Saucer, 200

Cut and Come Again, 51

Cut Direct, The, 124

Cut Infernal, The, 103

Cutting, 360

Cutting an Acquaintance, 253

Cutting his Coat, 57

Cutting off the Supplies, 310

Cutting on both Sides, 69

DAMPED ARDOR, 240

Dancing Prelates, The, 226

Dangerous Generalization, A, 243

Dead Language, 110

Deadly Weapon, A, 288

Dear Bargain, A, 323

Dear Speaker, A, 319

Death and Dr. Bolus, 335

Death-bed Forgiveness, 323

Debt Paid, The, 77

Debtor and Creditor, 126

Decanting Extraordinary, 168

Defining a Creed, 335

Degeneracy, 129

Delicate Hint, 130

Delpini's Remonstrance, 144

Democratic Vision, 80

Deserved Retort, A, 64

Destitution of the Smith Family, 351

Devil's Own, The, 229

Dialogue, A, 16

Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, 279

Dido, 86

Difference, A, 4

Difference of Opinion, 277

Difficult Task, A, 188

Difficulties in either Case, 318

Diffidence, 185

Dilemma, A, 168

Dinner Code, 368

Direct Road, The, 197

Disappointing Subscriber, A, 194

Disapprobation, 45

"Distant" Friend, A, 259

Distant Prospect, A, 16

Distressful Denouement, A 300

Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, 285

Doctor Weather-eye, 59

Doctrine of Chances, The, 15

Dodging a Creditor, 136

Dogged Answer, A, 10

Dog-matic, 27

Dogmatism, 221

Dog Tax, The, 352

Doing Homage, 223

Domestic Economy, 92

Done for, 352

Donne, Dr., 362

Double Knock, A, 116

Double Sight, 365

"Double Times," A, 88

Doubt Explained, The, 353

Doubtful Compliment, A, 31

Doubtful Creed, A, 105

Dreadful Suspicion, A, 328

Drinking Alone, 174

Driving it Home, 113

Droll to Order, 322

Drop, A, 306

Dry, but not Thirsty, 350

Dry Fellow, A, 227

Dry Humor, 337

Dull Man, A, 274

Dulness of a Debate, 162

Dunning and Lord Mansfield, 39

Dunning and Lord Thurlow, 97

Duplex Movement, 58

Dutiful Daughter, A, 309

EARLY BIRDS OF PREY, 261

Early Habits, 342

Easily Answered, 135

Easily Satisfied, 164

East Indian Chaplaincy, An, 245

Easy as Lying, 29

Easy Way, An, 302

Ebenezer Adams, 150

Effort of Memory, An, 163

Elegant Compliment, 32

Elegant Retort, 205

Elliston and George IV., 240

Eloquent Silence, 117

Emperor of China, 48

Empty Gun, The, 113

Empty Head, An, 92

Encouragement, 216

Endless Task, An, 351

Entering the Lists, 236

Entertaining Proposition, An, 318

Envy, 238

EPIGRAMS:--
Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, 173
Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, 83
A Good Word for Ministers, 39
An Affirmative, 367
By a Plucked Man, 93
Conversational, 365
"Cumberland", 34
From the Italian, 82
"I'm Living Still", 17
"Life is a Lottery", 90
"Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, 311
On a Bad Man, 47
On a Bald Head, 198
On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, 196
On a Debtor Lord, 222
On a Gentleman named Heddy, 297
On a Great Talker, 337
On a Jury, 176
On a Lady who Squinted, 79
On a Lady who was Painted, 262
On a Little Member's Versatility, 203
On a New Duke, 37
On a Petit-Maître Physician, 240
On a Squinting Poetess, 315
On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, 26
On a Student, 232
On Alderman Wood, 224
On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his
Political Character, 214
On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, 53
On Bishop ----'s Religion, 365
On Black and White, 63
On Blank Cartridge, 341
On Bloomfield, the Poet, 291
On Butler's Monument, 340
On Charles Kean, the Actor, 80
On Cibber, 74
On "Disloyal" Collins, 336
On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, 182
On Dr. Lettsom, 290
On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, 315
On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, 318
On Drink, 182
On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, 245
On Interminable Harangues, 76
On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, 116
On L--d--d--y, 81
On Lord ----'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing
to excessive Gout, 121
On Lord E--nb--h's Pericranium, 89
On Lord W----'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is
gone, 193
On Marriage, 170
On Meanness, 117
On Mr. Croker, 111
On Mr. Gully, 234
On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, 295
On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, 239
On Neglect of Judicial Duties, 129
On Phryne, 345
On Pride, 101
On Rogers, the Poet, 226
On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", 230
On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", 304
On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, 109
On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B----,
M.P., 200
On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, 29
On the Death of Foote, 81
On the Depth of Lord ----'s Arguments, 88
On the Disappointment of the Whigs, 307
On the Duke of ----'s Consistency, 104
On the Four Georges, 294
On the Immortality of ----'s Speeches, 89
On the King's Double Dealing, 166
On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, 328
On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, 172
On the Name of Keopalani, 153
On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, 178
On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, 266
On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, 134
On Two Contractors, 316
On the Two Harveys, 247
On Wolsey, 347
On ----'s Ponderous Speeches, 223
On ----'s Veracity, 319
"Pocket your Watch", 131
Suggested by hearing a Debate, 241
The Tanner, 115
"There's Nobody at Home", 65
To Closefist, 303
To Lady Mount E----, 300
"Turncoat", 46
Upon the Trustworthiness of ---- ----, 332
"Very like a Whale", 154
Written on the Union, 1801, 298

Episcopal Sauce, 114

Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, 16

Epitaph on a Miser, 220

Epitaphs, 247

Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, 227

Error Corrected, An, 237

Erskine, Henry, 220, 244

Erskine's Firmness, 327

"Essay on Man", 185

Equal to Nothing, 177

Equality, 52, 156

Equality of the Law, 288

Equitable Law, 290

Equivocal Preference, An, 355

Equivocation, An, 198

Erasmus _v._ Luther, 293

Error in Judgment, 306

Erudite, 302

Euclid Refuted, 162, 333

Evasion, An, 335

Evidence of a Jockey, 75

Exaggeration, 160

Excusable Fear, 275

Excuse for Cowardice, 295

Existence of Matter, 363

Expectoration, 211

Expensive Job, An, 362

Expensive Trip, An, 311

Experimentum Crucis, 324

Explanation, An, 180

Extenuating Circumstances, 119

Extinguisher, An, 12

Extraordinary Compromise, 177

Extreme Simplicity, 87

Extremely Sulphurous, 366

Extremes Meet, 59, 77

Eye to Profit, An, 33

FAIR DISTRIBUTION, A, 344

Fair Play, 204

Fair Proposal, A, 105

Fair Repulse, A, 54

Fair Substitute, A, 4

Fairly Won, 293

Fall in Mitres, A, 23

False Delicacy, 23

False Estimate, 216

False Face True, A, 292

False Quantities, 154

False Quantity, 27

Familiar Friend, A, 329

Familiar Illustration, A, 41

Familiarity, 177

Family Party, A, 25

Family Pride, 74

Farcical, 364

Farmer and Attorney, 44

Farren, the Actor, On, 54

Fashion and Virtue, 329

Fat and Lean, 264

Fatigue Duty, 152

Favorite Air, A, 210

Fear of Educating Women, 140

Feeling His Way, 103

Feeling Witness, A, 59

Female Talkers, 49

Few Friends, 185

Fiction and Truth, 264

Fig for the Grocer, A, 150

Fighting by Measure, 49

Filial Affection, 182

Fillip for Him, A, 18

Fire and Water, 155

Fire of London, The, 31

Fishing for a Compliment, 82

Fishy, Rather, 80

Fixture, A, 74

Flash of Wit, A, 276

Flattery turned to Advantage, 30

Flying Colors, 318

Following a Leader, 78

Fool and His Money, A, 359

Fool Confirmed, A, 252

Fool or Knave, The, 313

Foote, 96

Foote and Lord Townsend, 94

Foote's Last Joke, 368

Footiana, 169

Foraging, 116

Force of Habit, The, 125, 257

Force of Nature, 55

Force of Satire, The, 49

Forcible Argument, A, 276

Foreign Accent, A, 29

Forgetful Man, A, 181

Fortunate Expedient, A, 294

Fortunate Stars, 270

Fowl Joke, A, 311

Fox, Charles James, 361

Free Translation, A, 355

French Language, 109

French Precipitation, 52

Full House, A, 257

Full Inside, 170

Full Proof, 74

Full Stop, A, 264

Funeral Invitation, 356

GAMBLING, 234

Garrick and Foote, 199

Garth and Rowe, 357

Generosity and Prudence, 213

Gently, Jemmy, 151

Genuine Irish Bull, 128

Genuine Laziness, 360

George II. and the Recorder, 106

Getting a Living, 274

"Getting the Worst of It", 340

Gluttons and Epicures, 153

Going from the Point, 335

Going to Extremes, 332

Gone Out, 360

Good Advice, 3, 152, 209, 211

Good at a Pinch, 223

Good Appetite, A, 254

Good at the Halt, 302

Good Authority, 173

Good Character, A, 304

Good Critic, A, 114

Good Enough for a Pig, 364

Good Evidence, 227

Good Example, A, 83

Good Excuse, A, 134

Good Eyes, 274

Good Hearing, 206

Good-hearted Fellow, A, 81

Good Investment, A, 235

Good Jail Delivery, A, 183

Good Joke, A, 210

Good Judge, A, 361

Good Likeness, A, 253

Good Mixture, A, 283

Good Neighbor, A, 197

Good News for the Chancellor, 144

Good One, A, 135

Good Parson, A, 14

Good Place, A, 30

Good Reason, A, 47, 50, 53, 78

Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, 313

Good Recommendation, A, 266

Good Riddance, 105

Good Servant, A, 66

Good Sport, 65

Good Swimmer, A, 171

Good Translation, A, 138

Good Wife, A, 250

Gouty Shoe, The, 189

Graceful Excuse, 175

Graceful Illustration, A, 230

Grafting, 218

Grammatical Distinction, A, 17

Grandiloquence, 248

Grandson, The, 299

Grave Doctor, A, 18

Great Cabbage, 251

Great Difference, A, 132

Gretna Customer, A, 100

Grim Joke, A, 360

Growl, A, 188

Grunt, A, 312

Guide to Government Situations, A, 59

HABEAS CORPUS ACT, 194

Half-way, 76

Hand and Glove, 21

Handsome Contribution, A, 42

Happiness, 41

Happy Man, A, 121

Happy Suggestion, A, 32

Hard Hit, A, 187

Hard of Digestion, 215

Hard-ware, 221

Having a Call, 258

Heavy Weight, A, 296

He "Lies Like Truth", 21

He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", 322

Henry VIII., 278

Hero-phobia, 20

Hesitation in his Writing, 59

Hiatus, A, 102

Hic-cupping, 10

High and Low, 36

High Gaming, 215

Highland Politeness, 186

Hinc Ille Lachrymæ, 70

Hint for Genealogists, A, 191

His Way--Out, 188

Hoaxing an Audience, 206

Holland's Funeral, 308

Home Argument, A, 72

Home is Home, 19

Honest Horse, An, 31

Honest Man's Litany, The, 204

Honest Warranty, An, 94

Honor, 311

Honor to Tipperary, An, 338

Hook's Politeness, 127

Hopeful Pupil, The, 124

Hopeless Invasion, A, 322

Horne Tooke and Wilkes, 284

Horse Laugh, A, 7

Horses to Grass, 285

How to Escape Taxation, 238

How to get rid of an Enemy, 261

How to make a Man of Consequence, 168

Howe, Lord, 278

Human Happiness, 64

Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, 191

Humor under Difficulties, 52

Humorist Piqued, A, 339

Husbanding his Resources, 321

Husband's Marriage, On Mr., 120

"I CAN GET THROUGH", 263

Idolatry, 79

Illegal Indorsement, An, 325

Imitation of a Cow, 121

Important to Bachelors, 280

Impossible in the Evening, 254

Impossible Renunciation, An, 191

Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, 181

Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, 180

Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, 230

Impromptu--"St. Stephen's Walls", 101

Impromptu--"The Fall of Sparta", 143

Impudent Wit, An, 346

Inadvertence and Epicurism, 286

Incapacity, 241

Inconvenient Breakdown, An, 303

Incredible, 5

Independence, 101

Indifference to Death, 367

Indifference to Life, 274

In-door Relief, 185

Industry and Perseverance, 212

Industry of the English People, 307

Inevitable Misfortune, An, 352

Information easily Acquired, 326

Ingenious Device, An, 196

Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, 37

Ingenuousness, 104

Ingratitude, 58, 283

Inhospitable Irishman, An, 364

In Memoriam, 320

Inquest Extraordinary, 97, 312

Inquest--not Extraordinary, 132

Inquests Extraordinary, 102

Inscription on Inscriptions, An, 2

Insurance Assurance, 360

In Suspense, 27

Interested Inquiry, 357

In the Background, 230

In the Dark, 218

Introductory Ceremony, An, 67

Intruder Rebuked, The, 30

In Want of a Husband, 231

Ireland's Forgery, 134

Irish and Scotch Loyalty, 290

Irish Imprudence, 291

Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, 282

Irishman's Plea, An, 212

Iron Duke, The, 118

"I Takes 'em as they Come", 341

"I've Done the same Thing often", 103

JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD, 235

Jemmy Gordon, 256

Jest of Ancestry, The, 176

Jew's Eye to Business, A, 286

Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, 128

Johnson, Dr., 190

Johnson, Dr., without Variation, 71

Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, 197

Joint Concern, A, 46

Joke from the North, A, 366

Jolly Companions, 256

Jonson, Ben, 99

Judge in a Fog, A, 199

Judgment, 262

"Junius" discovered, 11

Jury Case, A, 350