Chapter VI: Part 6

AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation, which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son. "O, father, father, do not let them _tap_ you," screamed the boy, in an agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"--"Why, my dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall live long in health to make you happy."--"No, father, no, you will not: there never was anything _tapped_ in our house that lasted longer than a week."

DCCXXII.--THE CAUSE.

LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles--
What secret care consumes her youth,
And circumscribes her smiles?
_A speck on a front tooth._

DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?

A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what is going on to-day?"

Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"

DCCXXIV.--SNORING.

A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he received the following polite note: "Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the _text_."

DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.

SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: "Here is to be seen the _fork_ belonging to the _knife_ with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."

DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.

TWO women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for thou liest every day and all the year long."

DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"_Black as ever_," was the reply.

DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

"HE that will never look upon an ass,
Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."

DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.

A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."--"I don't see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it _running_."

DCCXXX.--WINNING A LOSS.

A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat the company."--"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and _treat_ the company."

DCCXXXI.--ADVICE GRATIS.

ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of _law_ than of _fact_, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, _for nothing_, what you would not give him under _two guineas_."

DCCXXXII.--SHORT COMMONS.

AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, _two_ apprentices, who will be treated as _one_ of the family."

CCXXXIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.

WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick, Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every day, and why may not I?"--"Because," replied the satirist, "_you are not qualified to kill game, and I am_."

CXXXIV.--WILKES AND LIBERTY.

WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his abuse of the Royal family among you?"--"I do not at present know," replied he, dryly, "but I _am trying_."

DCCXXXV.--A PAT REPLY.

LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the _Rolls_, I care nothing for your _butter_."

DCCXXXVI.--LORD NORTH ASLEEP.

HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark, he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived. Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a _century or two_ more?"

DCCXXXVII.--RATHER SAUCY.

"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.

"I asked for what I thought you had _the most_ of," was the cutting reply.

DCCXXXVIII.--LONG STORY.

A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to _finish_ by the time he _returned_.

DCCXXXIX.--EUCLID REFUTED.

(A part is not equal to the whole.--Axiom.)

THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,
Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
'Tis plain _one sixteenth part_ of Brougham's sense,
Equals the _whole_ possessed by L--d--d--y.

DCCXL.--BRED ON THE BOARDS.

WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's V----, he was bred on these boards!"--"He looks as though he'd been cut out of them," replied Jerrold.

DCCXLI.--ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

NO wonder the debate fell dead
'Neath such a constant fire of lead.

DCCXLII.--PAINTING.

A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you want nothing but _poverty_ to become a very excellent painter."

DCCXLIII.--OLD AGE.

A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then intervals of gayety: some person observed, "_he resembles an old castle which is sometimes visited by spirits_."

DCCXLIV.--AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.

"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."--"His _memory_ is evidently not so good as yours," replied B.

DCCXLV.--A READY RECKONER.

A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when demand of payment was made for the whiskey.

"Sure, and haven't I _given_ ye the loaf for the whiskey?"

"Well, but you did not _pay_ for the loaf, you know."

"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I _didn't take_ the loaf, man alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a brown study.

DCCXLVI.--A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, _Brough-am_.

"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the carriage a _Bro'am_, it will save the time of the court," said Lord Campbell, with a smile.

Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss--" The loud laughter which ensued, and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the sentence.

DCCXLVII.--TRUE POLITENESS.

SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to salute a slave?"--"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."

DCCXLVIII.--A RAKE'S ECONOMY.

WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends,
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus make both ends meet.

DCCXLIX.--EASILY SATISFIED.

A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in _earnest_. "Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such _jests_."

DCCL.--PERT.

MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin. "No, sir," said Foote, "pray, _do you_?"

DCCLI.--A ROYAL MUFF.

THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.--'Nice pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.--'Pretty fair,' was my reply.--'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a _muff_!'"

DCCLII.--A BROAD HINT.

AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question, "Would an action lie?"--"Yes, if the witnesses would _lie_ too, but not otherwise."

DCCLIII.--A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.

A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste, eh?"

"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"

DCCLIV.--"THE LAST WAR."

MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it "the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,--the last war but one."--"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising his sonorous voice,--"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish _to remember_." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.

DCCLV.--THE PHILANTHROPIST.

JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to get rid of the reputation."

DCCLVI.--TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.

ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said a native, "but if the quality of it be rather _infairior_, we give _good measure_ of it, anyhow."

DCCLVII--BAD COMPANY.

AT the time that the bubble schemes were _flourishing_, in 1825, Mr. Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he, "you will have nothing but _bubble and squeak_ in a short time."

DCCLVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the King's double dealing.)

OF such a paradox as this,
Before I never dreamt;
The King of England has become,
A _subject_ of contempt!!!

DCCLIX.--PAINTING.

A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that painting I think myself _deaf_."

DCCLX.--NIL NISI, ETC.

A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?"--"It is not to be found fault with," answered the other; "for one should never speak ill of the _dead_."

DCCLXI.--ODD FORESIGHT.

LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a _pretty_ pattern for a nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a nightcap?"--"O! child," said she, "you know, in _case of fire_!"

DCCLXII.--"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.

A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been known to shed a tear except when _Macheath_, in the "Beggar's Opera," got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."--"If you try it, my lord," replied Curran, "it's sure _to be hung_."

DCCLXIII.--GENERAL WOLFE.

GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed, he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said _General_ Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude, "we never say _General_ Alexander, or _General_ Cæsar." Wolfe, who was within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the pleasure he felt at the high compliment.

DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.

AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
"I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;
"Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."
Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:
As a bridge it can only be tried by _its piers_."

DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.

WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise _for nothing_!"

DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.

SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag wrote underneath, "_Two-thirds_ of the truth."

DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.

THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your _book-seller_."

DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.

WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now, beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly, those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too loud, I shall _wake_ the chief man in the parish."

DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.

A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
A frequent shrug of the _os humeri_,
A nod significant, a stately gait,
A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,--
Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
Then rest assured that those of little sense
Will deem you, sure, _a man of consequence_.

DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.

A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you _two_."

DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.

A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it, and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John; "wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back, nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad ha' wondered if ye had, for it's _ten years_ sin' I saw him gang in there."

DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.

"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying _as little_ as I can!" was the calm reply.

DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.

A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no surgeon,--_a carpenter! a carpenter_!"

DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.

A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--

"This collar don't belong to you, sir,
Pass on--or you may have one too, sir."

The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon whose collar was inscribed:--

"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"

DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.

FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at _Cork_. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many _drawings_ of it."

DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.

AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat anything during _the night_!"

DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.

CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be, sir, with the _other_ passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for _me_."

DCCLXXVIII.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this before; what shall we do?"--"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't expect to _go out_ of this town."

DCCLXXIX.--A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.

DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who, as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there (while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again _address me_, Sir W----, I shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him, and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly too.

DCCLXXX.--EPIGRAM.

CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,
"What reason can be given,
Since marriage is a holy thing,
That there are none in Heaven?"

"There are no women," he replied.
She quick returns the jest,--
"Women there are, but I'm afraid
They cannot find a priest."

DCCLXXXI.--AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.

WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of _hostility_ to the Church Establishment?"

DCCLXXXII.--VALUE OF APPLAUSE.

SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us _breath_."

DCCLXXXIII.--LITTLE TO GIVE.

A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own way."--"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's _all_ I have to _give them_."

DCCLXXXIV.--A GOOD SWIMMER.

A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at swimming, vowed that he would never _enter_ the water again until he was a complete master of the art.

[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]

DCCLXXXV.--NO PRIDE.

A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, _supposing_ I'm a deacon, mind, I can be _spoken_ to at ony time."

DCCLXXXVI.--LORD CLONMEL.

THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a _good one_. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"

DCCLXXXVII.--QUEER PARTNERS.

JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live! there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.

DCCLXXXVIII.--CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.

CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all turned thieves."--"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."--"Mivert!" exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."--"Therefore _he cannot be corrupted_, your majesty," answered Sidney.

DCCLXXXIX.--EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.

ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain,
Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.
But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,
Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,
St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,
And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."

DCCXC.--GOOD AUTHORITY.

HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr. Tooke, you will have all the _blackguards_ with you to-day."--"I am delighted to hear it, sir, and from such _good_ authority."

DCCXCI.--LUXURIOUS SMOKING.

"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the proper _taste_ restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of its wants.'"

DCCXCII.--NO JUDGE.

A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere _toss-up_." "But _heads_ seldom win," observed a learned barrister, sitting behind him.

DCCXCIII.--RELATIONS OF MANKIND.

BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.--S.S.

DCCXCIV.--VERY TRUE.

SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law an "_ars bablativa_."

DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.

(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)

THE Whigs, because they rat and change
To Toryism, all must spurn;
Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,
That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.

DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.

THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round _so_ often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No--not quite that--I had the _assistance_ of a bottle of Madeira."

DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.

THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the _spoils_ into the _sound-holes_ of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a quantity of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--_fit fragor_, and bang went the fiddle to pieces.

DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.

WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--

"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads together, and there is the wood pavement."

This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.

DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.

AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. "That," replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a _gentleman_, and you are a _blackguard_!"

DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.

WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?"--"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has _done its duty_ once, and is ready to do it again."

DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.

EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, "Did he not give you the coals, friend?"--"He did, sir, but--"--"But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment _slack_?"

DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.

STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some people do lords, learn their _titles_ and then _brag_ of their acquaintance."

DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.

WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Cæsar had his Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."--"Treason!" cried the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "_may profit by their example_. If this be treason, make the most of it."

DCCCIV.--ROGERS--POET AND SKIPPER.

ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does--_skip_.

DCCCV.--OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.

"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event."

DCCCVI.--EPIGRAM.

WHEN by a jury one is tried,
Twelve of _his equals_ are implied;
Then W---- might attempt in vain,
This sacred privilege to obtain.
Since human nature ne'er on earth
Gave to _twelve equal_ scoundrels birth.

DCCCVII.--REFORMATION.

JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he, "what are you ruminating on?"--"A greater work than your lordship's History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said the Bishop. "The _reformation of myself_, my lord," answered the son.

DCCCVIII.--THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.

LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is admirable.

Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father had been a footman: _Here lies the last who died before the first of his family!_ Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur, I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"

The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the clan must have come!

DCCCIX.--EQUAL TO NOTHING.

ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're _equal to it_!"

DCCCX.--FAMILIARITY.

A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said, "Sam, this may be very well between _you and me_, but it will not do with the Norfolks and Arundels."

DCCCXI.--EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.

AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little _warm ale_!"

DCCCXII.--MAC READY TO CALL.

IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house _Almack's_, "For," said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call _Mac_, you will have a head popped out of every window."

DCCCXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)

OF miracles this is _sans doute_ the most rare,
I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;
A man with abundance of _scents_ in his _hair_,
Without the least atom of _sense_ in his _head_.

DCCCXIV.--LOOK-A-HEAD.

A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the _state of the poll_.

G. A'B.

DCCCXV.--THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.

JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.

DCCCXVI.--SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.

TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a personage."--"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"--"Yes: she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in _your_ celebrated '_Almanac_' for the last five or six years!"

DCCCXVII.--BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.

MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."--Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."

DCCCXVIII.--MAN-TRAPS.

IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in very large letters, the following: "_Tondapamubomenos set up in these grounds_." It was perfectly a "patent safety."

DCCCXIX.--A COLORABLE EXCUSE.

A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you _uncover_ your face."

DCCCXX.--CONSISTENCY.

NO wonder Tory landlords flout
"Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Must go against the grain.

DCCCXXI.--A WONDERFUL CURE.

DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "_broke_ his leg, and applied to me for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with the celebrated _tar-water_. Almost immediately the sailor felt the beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg was completely _healed_!" The letter was read, and discussed at the meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country practitioner:--"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of the sailor was a _wooden leg_!"

DCCCXXII.--AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.

"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to _take away all that_."

DCCCXXIII.--CHOICE SPIRITS.

AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale _which was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin_.

DCCCXXIV.--AN EXPLANATION.

YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field _to bury_ strangers in."

DCCCXXV.--IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.

LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail, Sheridan at once presented her these lines,--

Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,
Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
And should dirt its original purity hide,
'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.

DCCCXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you are not so easily disposed of. One is _prussic acid_, and the other _laudanum_."

DCCCXXVII.--IMPROMPTU.

COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The _prompter_, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least _of him_."

DCCCXXVIII.--NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.

"WERE I but a _king_," said a country boy, "I would _eat_ my fill of fat bacon, and _swing_ upon a gate all day long."

DCCCXXIX.--A FORGETFUL MAN.

WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
No wonder that he don't remember _me_;
Why so? you see he has forgot _himself_.

DCCCXXX.--REPUTATION.

REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.

DCCCXXXI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.

IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't _master_ her, so he _missed_ her."

DCCCXXXII.--EPIGRAM.

THE jolly members of a toping club
Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
And in a close confederacy link
For nothing else, but only to hold drink.

DCCCXXXIII.--A BAD LOT.

THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few _causes_, and therefore could not have many _effects_."

DCCCXXXIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.

TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call _her a thief_ before she calls you one."

DCCCXXXV.--LEG WIT.

ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"_His legs_," answered the wit.

DCCCXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.

"THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
Although he was hearty last night;
'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
The poor fellow died of affright."

DCCCXXXVII.--A SINECURE.

ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a _sinecure_ is: it's a place where there's _nothing to do_, and they _pay you by the piece_."

DCCCXXXVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.

BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to the man, for I understand he preached _a kirk toom_ (empty) already, and if he be as successful _in the jail_, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as weel."

DCCCXXXIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?

THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, "Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will he _return_ do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"_Then let business proceed_," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.

DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.

"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for you that I had the keys of the _other_ place, for then I could let _you out_."

DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.

THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by _succoring_ his father and mother. "_Giving on 'em milk_," was the prompt reply.

DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.

IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost _nonchalance_ he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly observed, "that it was the _dirtiest_ house he had ever been in in his life."

DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.

A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had _introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality_.

DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.

LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year. Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with it, which was regularly _charged to him by the clerk_. Sir Anthony then went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and never after that was possessed of a bad title.

DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.

TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
Is there a day that asses do not speak?

DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.

JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,

_Jerrold._--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"

DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.

A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck _one_ tin-penny out of your coach, and I'll answer it will trait _all your friends_ in Athlone."

DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.

AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have _heard the evidence_?"

DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."

AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
At thirty, tame, if ever;
At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
At sixty, good, or never!

DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.

A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O no, I belong to _another_ parish."

DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.

SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch." To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."

DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.

COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where _you buy_ all your _dirty_ shirts."

DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.

FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No, no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me _have a leg to stand on_; for there is so _little wood_ in your house, that I am afraid one of your servants may light the fire with _my right leg_," which was his wooden one.

DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.

ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without _paying_."

DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.

EXAMPLE is better than precept they say,
With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,
We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.

DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.

ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war, along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death, as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots, without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, "I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember saying to him, when they left us, '_D---- it, old fellow, never mind_!'" But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose, and the Captain was permitted to escape.

DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.

MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I have _lost_ an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray _at what game_?"

DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.

SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing _turns upon that_." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and _Passion_ week in the parlor."

DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to _sell my life as dearly as possible_."

DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.

SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely rude, "Sir, _it is my way_."--"Then," returned his indignant patient, pointing to the door, "I beg you will _make that your way_!"

DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.

HE that's married once may be
Pardoned his infirmity.
He that marries twice is mad:
But, if you can find a fool
Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
Flog him, flog him back to school.

DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.

BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a _sculptor_! surely you must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know that he _chiselled_ a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."

DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.

"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a _difficult_ task I find it."

DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.

JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:--

"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"

"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they are all out now."

"Well, and what then?"

"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off being shown over the improvements."

DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURÆ.

AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid, "save the insinuation that some girls are _over_ twenty-one years of age."

DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you have me _keep open_ on Sunday!"

DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.

DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had fifty who _deserved hanging_.

DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.

TO win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
She likes a _verse_, but, cruel whim,
She still appears _a-verse_ to him.

DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.

A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his "trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "_The lawyers got that_!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.

DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.