Chapter IV: Part 4

SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week, sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find anything in it."

CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.

"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of 'em _five or six_ for a penny anywhere else."

CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.

AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a _rogue_ in his face. "I never knew till now," said the witness, "that my _face_ was a _looking-glass_."

CDXLVII.--FOOTE.

AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a foolish scrape about _the antiquity of family_ with another artist, who gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of the argument; your family is not only _several thousand years old_, but at the same time _the most numerous_ of any on the face of the globe, on the authority of Shakespeare:--

"All the souls that are, were _Forfeit_ once."

CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]

[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.

CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.

A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a _base 'un_," said Jerrold.

CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.

A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives" with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler. "Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll _no turn't_ into a bawbee again."

CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.

THE Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a _flat_."

CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.

WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman _like the knave of clubs_, tell him he is particularly wanted." The waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.

CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.

DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.

CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.

SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.

"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again."

CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.

A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of _Miss Stirling_, in "The Clandestine Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of _Betty_, who had locked the door of _Miss Fanny's_ room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, "_She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket_." Mrs. Davenport, as _Mrs. Heidelberg_, had previously excited a hearty laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "_I protest there's a candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand_;" but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause.

CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.

"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders like a pair of epaulettes. _That_ was a broken head, if you please, sir."

CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.

TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a _Highland hotel_ in Breadalbane: one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the _bugs_, for de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"

CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.

BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be _hereditary_ in their family to have no children."

CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.

COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, "If any man were to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending my _coat_ I should too late find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."

CDLX.--BEN JONSON.

WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said:--

"In a dish came fish
From the arch-bis-
Hop was not there,
Because there was no _beer_."

CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.

"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness?"

"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.

AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added, "and the Birmingham _audience_ into the bargain."

CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.

A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it _kills off_ all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into women.

CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.

CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for _trifles_ show respect."

CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.

A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but _he_ was an Irishman. I have married him six times. _He is a good customer_, and _you_ I may never see again."

CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.

"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other business--but _he has left his verdict with me_!'"

CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.

IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following passage:--

[Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]

To which he gave the proper sense,--

"I am not _over-wise_;"

but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"_You_ are quite right, sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."

CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.

'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.

CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.

JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand in _your shoes_ for all the world!"

CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.

FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you in important words,
He _mixes_ in the best society.

CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.

AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very _indifferent spelling_."

CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.

"DID you not on going down find a _party_ in your kitchen?" asked an underbred barrister of a witness. "A _tea-party_, Mr. ----?" mildly interposed Judge Maule.

CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.

AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only cost a few men."--"Will _you_ make one of the few?" remarked the general.

CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.

WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the _noes_ (_nose_) will have it."

CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.

ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I thought so _yesterday_," he replied.

CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.

A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow's _laid an egg_."

CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.

FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.

CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."

A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a "fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax' demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty dollars in my life, _and I've done the same thing often_.'"

CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.

"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when _you_ preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust _a stranger_ without keeping a good look-out."

CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.

SAID Wetherall the other night
Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
I ever _knew_." Sir Charles was right,
For no one ever _knows himself_.

CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.

"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head _still_ on the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since _I saw one_."

CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.

JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
"What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he'd _no will of his own_."

CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.

TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him was true. "General," said one of them, "_it is_; and we should have said much more if our _wine_ had not failed."

CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.

QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air!"

CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH.

SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this," said Mr. Smith. "_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_," was the reply. "Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?" inquired Mr. Smith.

CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.

THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
Is surely nothing strange;
For no one yet could ever find
He'd any mind to change.

CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.

"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will _hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat."

CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.

JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity." Severe.

CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran' balance_." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."

CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.

A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the room."

CDXCI.--CALCULATION.

SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are _two_,
Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
Quoth Jack, "You're _ten_, if I speak true;
She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_."

CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.

WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of dese, give me the man wid de _dying speech_," meaning Mr. Adams, who was then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.

CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.

THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it, John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No, sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the _ennui_ of a dull day.

CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.

"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that you think me a _humbug_?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that you can _discover_ a man's thoughts by your touch."

CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.

A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was advised by the Court not to _show temper_, but to _show cause_.

CDXCVI.--A POINT.

POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a _note of interrogation_?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow, with a look of great contempt, "is a little _crooked thing_ that asks questions."

CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.

ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth," quoth the other, "because scholars are _so poor_ that they have _not a sovereign_ amongst them."

CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.

AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally _challenge_ them. "Faith, and so I will," replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will _challenge_ every man of them."

CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.

WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father, they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told me, I would have _powdered_ my hair."

A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was _very sore_.

After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the _cambric bill_;" which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not _ruffled_."

D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.

MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: "Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I _sleeps_, I pays _attintion_ to it."

DI.--PENCE TABLE.

A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a _halfpenny_," replied the urchin.

DII.--SATISFACTION.

LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me _you did not_ write the book."

DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.

A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know, doctor, _dead_ men tell no tales."

DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.

"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.

DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.

A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, "There, I give you the _scabbard_ back again."

DVI.--TOUCHING.

WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like _a father_."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you like _a child_."

DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!

AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite _Belle_. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the _quorum_) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, "The College Bell!" _Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri_!

DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.

WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for _liking_ and _loving_, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--_J'aime Julie; J'aime un gigot_!"

DIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)

HE says he don't think of himself,
And I'm to believe him inclined;
For by the confession, the elf
Admits that he's _out_ of his _mind_.

DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "_I--I--was waiting to see Tom off_!"

DXI.--ANTICIPATION.

LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my goodness!--he killed _the child_!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, _the calf_; but you will always anticipate."

DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.

A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--

"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not," replied the husband.

"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know."

DXIII.--THE RIVALS.

A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The _dramatis personæ_ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, "_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guérirai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]

DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.

AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, _feu Lord Maire de Londres_," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having translated the word "late" into "_feu_," which we need hardly state means "dead."

DXV.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the _author_ of St. Matthew's Gospel.

Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "_you break_ fast enough of yourself!" Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?

Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company; that he never heard so much _heathenish talk_ in his days. Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, _that the soul was only a little glue_.

DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you _from_ preaching."

DXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)

THEY say his _wit's refined_! Thus is explained
The seeming mystery--_his wit is strained_.

DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a _form_, but you stand upon _ceremony_."

DXIX.--LATE DINNER.

SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till _to-morrow_."

DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.

AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
"You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
"Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
For you never saw _either served up_ with a goose!"

DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.

A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, "Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes, sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how _you have grown_!"

DXXII.--A NOVEL IDEA.

"MORROW'S Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to _Day_ for a sermon and to _Morrow_ for a novel!"

DXXIII.--THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.

A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a name by describing it as "an initial."--"Yes," retorted the judge, "but it does not aver that it is not a _final_ as well as an _initial_ letter."

DXXIV.--LOSING AN I.

A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much impropriety; and at last saying the word _curosity_, a counsellor exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"--"Nay," returned another, "he has only knocked an _I_ out."

DXXV.--DRIVING IT HOME.

THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed, and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't _into_ me, and ye're just duntin't _out o' me_."

DXXVI.--THE EMPTY GUN.

AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
"Don't _cock_ your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
"Fear not--his head's not _charged_," a friend replies.

DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.

A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect: "Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small _piece of plate_." It was, beyond all question, a _very_ small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!

DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.

AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, "Mr. ----!" There was silence. "Mr. ----, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an answer came, "_Anne Chovy_."

DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.

A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have a master very difficult to please?"--"Who?"--"_Myself_."

DXXX.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.

WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine; the fellow was a _Wilkite_, which your Majesty knows _I never was_."

DXXXI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.

A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"--"What has happened, man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken out."--"Where? where?"--"In the _Isle of Man_."--"In the Isle of Man," repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"

DXXXII.--SMOKING AN M.P.

AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on _tobacco_, somewhat ludicrously called for certain _returns_.

DXXXIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.

A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before."--"O, my lord!" said the flattered chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject."--"I heard the clock _strike twice_," said Lord Mulgrave.

DXXXIV.--REPROOF.

"I CAN'T find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to _work_ for it."

DXXXV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.

MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony. "You are a builder, I believe?"--"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an architect!"--"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they are much the same, I suppose?"--"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit that: I consider them to be totally different!"--"O, indeed! perhaps you will state wherein this great difference consists?"--"An architect, sir, prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it going!"--"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"--"There was _no_ architect, sir, and hence _the confusion_!"

DXXXVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.

A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
In a long _tête-à-tête_ with his dame,
While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
About giving their villa a name.
A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
Stole out, half an hour after dark,
Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
And wrote on the palings,--"_Hide_ Park!"

DXXXVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.

A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O, my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not _missed_."

DXXXVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.

ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as this!"

DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.

A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great _difference_ between me and my friend."

DXL.--FORAGING.

DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat: _Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."

DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.

AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
He happened to tread on a very small pig:
"Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
For surely thou art an _abridgment of Bacon_."

DXLII.--UNKIND.

"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of _discretion_."

DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.

THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, _Non rapui sed recepi_ ["I did not _steal_ it, but I _received_ it"]. This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The _receiver_ is as bad as the _thief_."

DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).

IF really ---- do but loathe
Things base or mean, I must confess
I'd very freely take my oath,
Self-love's a fault he don't possess.

DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.

"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no _epithet_, it is iteration;" his look implying _the anathema_.

DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.

THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
"Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
I know thy fortune is but very scant,
But never will I see my friend in want."
Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!

DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.

WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men signed _a round robin_, wherein they declared that they would not fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil himself will not be able to _keep you from it_." The men all returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten times over.

DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.

AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the _wittiest_ among them thus ended the contest:--

"Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
Excuse me, if I just step home;
Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."

DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.

IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a _sovereign_, which he probably would have done had he at the time refused to take _no change_. The Reform Bill was under consideration.

DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.

AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye _blackguards_ that isn't _lawyers_, must lave the coort."

DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.

AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling, Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly, "we'll just pit you in the Gorbals _first_, and gin ye dinna lie quiet, we'll try you sine in Stra'von."

DLII.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days, he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no other nation would stand _beating_ for two days together."

Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost; he asked whether the copy had been taken _before_ the original was lost, or _after_!

This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an _oyster_ speak as well twenty times."

DLIII.--NOT POLITE.

MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.

DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?" evidently implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication.

DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.

THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.

DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.

THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:--

"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"

_Jerrold._--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."

DLVII.--LADY ANNE.

AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here," Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_."

DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.

A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing _bowels_?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes, sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it _a wren's_ stomach?"

DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.

A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, "_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_."

DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.

MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would confine myself to _the cow_."

DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.

A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!"

DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.

WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he _draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet."

DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout.)

IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
Since _two_ members _attached to his person through life_,
Have, on recent occasions, _refused to support him_.

DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.

LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the _merriest_ life of any man in Europe."

DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.

AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversary:--

"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"

The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--

"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"

Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted:--

"Waiter, _spittoons for two_!"

DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.

MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. _Ex. gr._ "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is _some_ evidence upon that point; but he's a lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by _some_ evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be _some_ evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case." Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?

DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.

A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my _fingers' ends_."

DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.

"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very same I should have had at home, _barrin' the beef_."

DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.

COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder," replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."

DLXX.--TRUE WIT.

TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
Dug from Golconda's mine;
Which boasts two various powers in one,
To cut as well as shine.
Genius, like that, if polished right,
With the same gifts abounds;
Appears at once both keen and bright,
And sparkles while it wounds.

DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!

A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like--_alphabetical_ order."

DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.

HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of _Jack Junk_, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of _Barbarossa_. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy--

"Did not I,
By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
From Egypt's shores?"

The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the actor with three rounds of applause.

DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.

A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator "how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "_in silence_."

DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.

A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes," said Tom. "What are _you_ doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."

DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.

WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to hear the representative of _Young Marlow_ play it as an Irishman. As soon as _Marlow_ came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir," replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong a _brogue_."

DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.

A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How will you have it?" replied, "_Cold, without sugar_."

DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.

AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"

Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound. "Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift _their quarters_."

DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.

LORD ELDON always pronounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_; and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:--

"Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?
D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
That nothing within it will ever get fat?"

DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.

SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are
By nature meant the _soil_ to share,
I'll quickly make you understand;
For can we not deduct with ease,
That nature has designed the _seas_
Expressly to _divide the land_?"

DLXXX.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.

DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended he would not be able to name the complaint."

DLXXXI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.

KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, "Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the nobleman, "there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders."

DLXXXII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.

THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, "He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience."

DLXXXIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.

A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste their time as they please."

DLXXXIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.

SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm. "Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it _did every bit_ as well."

DLXXXV.--SEEING A CORONATION.