Chapter VIII: Part 8

A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which unwillingly abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae." The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and then said, "Whaur did you get it?"--"_I soupit[B] the poupit_," was John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath snuff now came into good use.

[B] Swept.

MXXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the principles he has always professed.)

SURE in the House he'll do but little good
Who lets "_I dare not, wait upon_ I WOOD (I would)."

MXXX.--WILKES'S READY REPLY.

LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But, perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"--"Why (the answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."--"How so?"--"I should merely say it was a _fabrication_, and they would _destroy you_ in the twinkling of an eye!"

MXXXI.--TOO GRATEFUL.

AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way _here_ to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you _knocked down in me own parish_,--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"

MXXXII.--THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.

SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?
Your censure, friends, will _raise_ us;
If you do wish to damn us quite,
Only begin to _praise_ us!

MXXXIII.--ODD HOUSEKEEPING.

MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper, and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased, and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows: "General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally rectifying it, wrote against the next item,--"Miss Campbell thinks _twopence-halfpenny_ excessively _cheap for fowls_"; and sent it back to her father.

MXXXIV.--TELLING ONE'S AGE.

A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get _further_ from that frightful epoch every day."

MXXXV.--POT VALIANT.

PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that he said he always employed his troops _before their dinner had digested_.

MXXXVI.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful, added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, _Mare Pacificum_." A curate, who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was _Mare Mortuum_ first."

MXXXVII.--A BAD PREACHER.

A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to _hear him preach_. He answered, "I am afraid of _disturbing your solitude_."

MXXXVIII.--ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.

SO well deserved is Rogers' fame,
That friends, who hear him most, advise
The egotist to change his name
To "Argus," with his hundred I's!

MXXXIX.--A POSER.

IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you _lie_ on both sides, whom will you have me believe?"

MXL.--A QUIET DOSE.

A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health _gratis_, asked a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take _advice_."

MXLI.--THE DANCING PRELATES.

SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
The early bishops used to join the dance,
And winding, turning ----s shows us yet,
That Bishops still know how to pirouette.

MXLII.--AURICULAR CONFESSION.

A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."--"Stop; are you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.--"Yes, of one ear."--"Then you may leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear _both sides_."

MXLIII.--A DRY FELLOW.

"WELL, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but gin anybody asks if I got a dram _after 't_, what will I say?"

MAXILLA.--GOOD EVIDENCE.

"DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.

"Yes, your honor," was the reply.

"On what _ground_ did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned counsel.

"_In the back-yard_," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.

AXLE.--EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.

POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
For twenty years he did the duties well,
Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
The church clock struck _one_--alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
Who sighed, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"

MXLVI.--QUIN AND THE PARSON.

A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner, entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin, being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,--"So, so, doctor, I think you do keep your _glebe_ in your own hands with a witness!"

MXLVII.--NATURAL ANTIPATHY.

FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked, "Why he hated that nation so much."--"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have everything keep to its _native element_."

MXLVIII.--NOT NECESSARY.

"YOU flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake, ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that _monkey any flatter_ than he is!"

MXLIX.--ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.

STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."--"If you think so," replied Garrick, "I hope _your_ house is insured."

ML.--CROMWELL.

ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:--

"The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,
Is the name of the man that murdered the king."

MLI.--BILL PAID IN FULL.

AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker, in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a _scroll_ painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the _Tower_, and this circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "THIS BILL PAID IN FULL."

MLII.--WOMEN.

AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in all ages our friends."

A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to _point_ out the hours, and a woman to make us _forget_ them."

MLIII.--THE DEVIL'S OWN.

AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through. This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, "that the lawyers always went through _thick_ and _thin_."

MLIV.--WHIST-PLAYING.

CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if _dirt_ were trumps, what _hands_ you would hold!"

MLV.--A CRUEL CASE.

POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and eat he did, till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years' standing, and to be _served in this manner_!"

MLVI.--ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."

SHELLEY styles his new poem, "_Prometheus Unbound_,"
And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
For surely an age would be spent in the finding
A reader so weak as to _pay for the binding_.

MLVII.--WRITING TREASON.

HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged, replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was _trying_."

MLVIII.--A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.

THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous emotions.--S.S.

MLIX.--IMPROMPTU.

_On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac Sycophant._

SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
Because the character was drawn too true;
It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.

MLX.--IN THE BACKGROUND.

AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent him _standing behind a tree_.

MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.

A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath than _marry_. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should find a _husband_ at the bottom."

MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.

A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain, wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."--"I can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,--that makes two. Now, here's the _third_," and he threw it overboard.

MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.

FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why," said he, "the _first_ know what they want, but the _latter_ do not."

MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.

WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern."--"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I shall ever be happy _to enlighten_ Mr. Quin in anything."

MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.

LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in _consultation_."

MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.

A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running away?"--"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that _he was_."

MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.

SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "_which_ is the pudding?"

MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING
CHAPEL.

TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:
Oh could I do but either as I ought!
In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,--
I pray too little, and I fast too much.

MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.

A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to _cure a child_."

MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.

COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack."

MLXXI.--SIR THOMAS COULSON.

SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "_ingens_ cui lumen adeptum."

MLXXII.--THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!

WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I had I should have broken my neck for I _threw it_ out of a two-pair-of-stairs window."

MLXXIII.--MOTHERLY REMARK.

SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, "Heaven pity the man _that's tied_ to my Davy!"

MLXXIV.--TOO GOOD.

A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear sir, you _deserve_ to be ill."

MLXXV.--A BALANCE.

"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith, I _never_ had any _opinion_ of you in all my life."

MLXXVI.--MONEY'S WORTH.

WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that work."--"Why, no, master," was the reply, "_seven shillings_ a week isn't _sweating_ wages."

MLXXVII.--ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.

STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully
Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
The etymological cause, I suppose, is
His breaking the bridges of so many noses.

MLXXVIII.--WRITING FOR THE STAGE.

PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the hero of the drama declaimed from the _main-mast_ of a man-of-war, without once descending from his position!

A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in _thirty_ acts. The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a week.

MLXXIX.--A COMPARISON.

"AN attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in _scruples_."

MLXXX.--GAMBLING.

I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.

MLXXXI.--SWEEPS.

WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's office!

MLXXXII.--SELF-CONCEIT.

HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!
For none are slaves in thy dominion;
Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
The _vain_ have only _one_ to please.

MLXXXIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.

FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour. As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my Lord, I am engaged to _dine_ at the next house--and--and----"--"And, sir, you thought you might as well _save_ your own dinner by _spoiling_ mine?"--"Exactly so, my Lord; but----"--"Sir, I wish you a good evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was more frightened.

MLXXXIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.

AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: "_To be sold_, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."

MLXXXV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.

AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but _forty_ years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last _ten years_.

MLXXXVI--KEEPING TIME.

A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he should stir the fire without interrupting the music."--"_Between the bars_," replied the friend.

MLXXXVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.

THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"--"It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your _list_ shoes."

MLXXXVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.

MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."--"Weel, weel," said Mrs. Robison, "if ye're _dead_ I'll no' expect ye."

MLXXXIX.--WITTY COWARD.

A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"--"Pooh!" replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes behind my back."

MXC.--PRIORITY.

AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his _young_ master for his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me, Maister Jeems, _I hae been langer about the place than yersel'_."

MXCI.--SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?

A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the _tenants_ complain."

MXCII.--CHARACTERISTICS.

THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with,--"It is a very cold morning, doctor."--"I don't know that," was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with _snow_. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much, as many of the party did not understand it."--"And _you are one_ of them," observed the learned bear.

MXCIII.--AN ERROR CORRECTED.

JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his disappointment.

_Friend_ (to Jerrold).--I hear you said ---- was the worst book I ever wrote.

_Jerrold._--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote.

MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.

W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover
The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
But hold! _Extremes will meet_: the marvel's over;
His very _dulness_ is the _extreme_ of wit.

MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.

THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham say, as he entered, 'I am really _proud_ of my pit to-night,' I went and counted it, and there were but _seventeen_ people in it."

MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.

"I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise
That shall not fall on me."
"Then tax _receipts_," Lord North replies,
"For those you _never_ see."

MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?

A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well, sir; but, indeed, I thought _I'd lost_ the minister a' thegither."

MXCVIII.--ENVY.

A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, _I wish I had just half his disease_!"--in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had drunk.

MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little _upon it_."

MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.

A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see him; but he's an _honest_ beast." The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast; many a time has he _threatened_ to come down with me, and I kenned he would _keep his word_ some day."

MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."

MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech, but when he used _bad_ words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, "_Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you_!"

MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.

TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
_This_ lives by his _mews_, which the other could not!

MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.

THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht _o' leavin' yet_."

MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.

A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, "If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the _Italian system_--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."

MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.

CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty _guardian_ of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the snug little _sinecure_ he had discovered for himself.

MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.

WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"_Killing man_!"

MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.

JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of us."

MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.

IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and _I will talk over the business with_ HIS MAJESTY."

MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.

A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we ran, and they ran _after us_."

MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.

AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. "Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never could raise a man _for mysel_, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King George."

MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.

A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, and taught to repeat the cry of "_Infamous coalition_!" Lord North coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the starling might well perform his office _by deputy_.

MCXII.--INCAPACITY.

A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "_I_ would permit you," answered the prelate; "but _nature_ will not."

MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)

TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;
Is there a night that asses do not speak?

MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.

PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson. "_Sixpence_!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the note."

MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.

SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The _barrel_-organ," interrupted an auditor.

MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.

A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing _a bolster full of rage and jealousy_, smothers her."

MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.

DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:--

"Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
Or lest you should be by and by,
Or any other reason why."

MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.

AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."

MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.

AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have been _more_ women than men married this year."

MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.

A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put _teeth_ to rhyme with _feet_, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that evasion, for that will make you an _owl_."

MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.

SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more _knavish fool_ than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.

MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.

A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, "_Marry_ for love, and _work_ for siller," replied, "It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D] breakfast."

[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.

[D] Insipid.

MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.

A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam," said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been _begging_ all day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to _work_!"

MCXXIV.--WHIST.

MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life, and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "_What is trumps_?"

MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.

THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences. Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer, "I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars," replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's _gate_ was not as _lofty_ as your _style_, or you must have broken your neck."

MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.

THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.

MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.

TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you _had been at dinner ever since_."

MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.

AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than _you_, or I'd wring his _head off_."

MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.

THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they _found the chaplain_ of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation.

MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.

CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not _change_ either till he comes back."

MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)

WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
So lengthily his subject to pursue,
That listeners (out of patience) often fear
He has indeed _eternity in view_.

MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.

MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he _lost a Newfoundland dog_, that weighed sixty-eight pounds.

MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.

ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a _darkened room_. The Englishman, unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--_brought down the Frenchman_. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the relator, "I make the _Englishman_ go up the chimney."

MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.

SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not "a _little_ tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was _perfectly_ tiresome."

MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.

AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "_I really beg his pardon_,--bring him in."

MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."

A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: "Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it _half_ a quartern _loaf_, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard: "Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it _all gin_."

MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.

DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church _in_ the way, that the people may not _go out of the way_."

MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.

A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, "Electors of G----, all that he has _said_ I will _do_."

MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.

SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come, now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to _teach you_,--but for you to _teach me_."

MCXL.--EPIGRAM.

TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
To please in different stations;
For one excelled in _Sauce for Fish_,
And one in _Meditations_.
Each had its pungent power applied
To aid the dead and dying;
_This_ relishes a _sole_ when _fried_,
_That_ saves a _soul_ from _frying_.

MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.

IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--_Exit Burbadge_.

Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good Knight."

MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.

FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The Irish, sir, take us _all in_, and the Scotch turn us _all out_."

MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.

A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is in a _very_ large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume you are a cutter of _bungs_?"

MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.

CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House, the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel; her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of her accoucheur being Croft.

MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.

IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on the stage, and _out-hissed_ the visitors.

MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.

DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or not; for nine of them have such _bad_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so _good_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill them."

MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.

OWEN MOORE has run away,
Owing more than he can pay.

MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.

"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at last."--"_Settled it_!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you that as _an annuity_ for your life."

MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.

"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting for _all parishes_."

MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.

GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther _done so_," replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne of England."

MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.

A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great promptness and simplicity, "_two-pence_."

MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.

A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, _in writing_."

MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.

AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, "None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very glad, for now you will have only _one boot_ to clean instead of _two_."

MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.

A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you _go to bed_, since all your ancestors died in it?"

MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.

A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing all that _pleases_ him, and by enduring patiently all that _displeases_ me."

MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.

A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke responded, "No; but I am NOW."

MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.

A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you _shook them_?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the word.

MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.

AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, "that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn _any longer_."

MCLIX.--A REBUKE.

A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't _look back_."

MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.

"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a _philanthropist_, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and _builds houses_ out of the proceeds."

MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.

A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, _twelve_ yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said _seven_ would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he has but _three_ children to clothe, I have _six_."

MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.

A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, _Latin_. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied the other, "a _poor one_ indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of _Latin_."

MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.

A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours _successfully_."--"So then you _did_ kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."

MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.

DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a _fool_, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so," added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you."

MCLXV.--PLEASANT.

A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his operations satisfactory.

MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.

MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you, madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are."

MCLXVII.--ORATORY.

AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have _heard_ quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't much _admire your subject_."

MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.

THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. "But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is _a soldier's wife_, and these people are generally _loose characters_!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just entered the room, "_a soldier's wife_! Pray, madam, _what is your mistress_? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."

MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE, BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.

MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.

A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was _so like you_."

MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.

GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the _cuttee_. "I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most happy to become acquainted _with you again_."

MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."

MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix, _for I can't rise from the fire_."

MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.

A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight, perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my lord--_for ever_!"

MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."

MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.

A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual increase_ is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"

MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_, but the _water_ was _smoky_!"

MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.

MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the _other_ would stay behind.

[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in Hudibras,--