Chapter XI: Curious and Eccentric Advertisements (1)

Advertisements of the kind which form the subject of this chapter have been so often made matter of comment and speculation, have so often received the attention of essayists and the ridicule of comic writers, that it is hard to keep out of the beaten track, and to find anything fresh to say upon a topic which seems utterly exhausted. Yet the store of fun is so great, and the excellence of many old and new stories so undoubted, that courage is easily found for this the most difficult part of the present work. Difficult, because there is an embarrassment of riches, an enormous mine of wealth, at command, and the trouble is not what to put in, but what to leave out, from a chapter on quaint and curious advertisements. Difficult again, because some of the best stories have been told in so many and such various guises, that until arriving at the ends it is hard to tell they have a common origin, and then the claims of each version are as near as possible equal. There is, however, a way out of all difficulties, and the way in this is to verify the advertisements themselves, and pay no attention to the apocrypha to which they give rise; and though it is a tedious proceeding, and one which shows little in return for the pains taken, it may be something to our readers to know, that curious as many of the specimens given are, they are real and original, and that in the course of our researches we have unearthed many impostures in the way of quotations from advertisements which have never yet appeared, unless private views of still more private copies of papers have been allowed their promulgators. There is, after all, little reason for a display of inventive power, for the real material is so good, and withal so natural, as to completely put the finest fancy to a disadvantage. It has already been remarked that in the whole range of periodical literature there is no greater curiosity than the columns daily devoted to advertisements in the _Times_. From them, says a writer a few years back, “the future historian will be able to glean ample and correct information relative to the social habits, wants, and peculiarities of this empire. How we travel, by land or sea--how we live, and move, and have our being--is fully set forth in the different announcements which appear in a single copy of that journal. The means of gratifying the most boundless desires, or the most fastidious taste, are placed within the knowledge of any one who chooses to consult its crowded columns. Should a man wish to make an excursion to any part of the globe between Cape Horn and the North Pole, to any port in India, to Australia, to Africa, or to China, he can, by the aid of one number of the _Times_, make his arrangements over his breakfast. In the first column he will find which ‘A 1 fine, fast-sailing, copper-bottomed’ vessel is ready to take him to any of those distant ports. Or, should his travelling aspirations be of a less extended nature, he can inform himself of the names, size, horse-power, times of starting, and fares, of numberless steamers which ply within the limits of British seas. Whether, in short, he wishes to be conveyed five miles--from London to Greenwich--or three thousand--from Liverpool to New York--information equally conclusive is afforded him. The head of the second, or sometimes the third column, is interesting to a more extensive range of readers--namely, to the curious; for it is generally devoted to what may be called the romance of advertising. The advertisements which appear in that place are mysterious as melodramas, and puzzling as rebuses.” These incentives to curiosity will receive attention a little further on; meanwhile we will turn to those which are purely curious or eccentric.

The record of these notices to the public is so extensive, and its ramifications so multifarious, that so far as those advertisements which simply contain blunders are concerned, we must be satisfied with a simple summary, and in many cases leave our readers to make their own comments. Here is a batch of those whose comicality is mainly dependent upon sins against the rules of English composition. We will commence with the reward offered for “a keyless lady’s gold watch,” which is, though, but a faint echo of the “green lady’s parasol” and the “brown silk gentleman’s umbrella” anecdotes; but the former we give as actually having appeared, while so far the two latter require verification. A lady advertises her desire to obtain a husband with “a Roman nose having strong religious tendencies.” A nose with heavenly tendencies we can imagine, but even then it would not be Roman. “A spinster particularly fond of children,” informs the public that she “wishes for two or three having none of her own.” Then a dissenter from grammar as well as from the Church Established wants “a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist persuasion;” a draper desires to meet with an assistant who would “take an active and energetic interest in a small first-class trade, and in a quiet family;” and a chemist requests that “the gentleman who left his stomach for analysis, will please call and get it, together with the result.” Theatrical papers actually teem with advertisements which, either from technology or an ignorance of literary law, are extremely funny, and sometimes alarming, and even the editorial minds seem at times to catch the infection. One of these journals, in a puff preliminary of a benefit, after announcing the names of the performers and a list of the performances, went on: “Of course every one will be there, and for the edification of those who are absent, a full report will be found in our next paper.” This is worthy of a place in any collection: “One pound reward--Lost, a cameo brooch, representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra-road, about ten o’clock, on Tuesday evening.” And so is this: “The advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on very low terms, about six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a gentleman forty years of age, full in the body and with a high bouquet.” The lady spoken of in the following would meet with some attention from the renowned Barnum: “To be sold cheap, a splendid grey horse, calculated for a charger, or would carry a lady with a switch tail.” But she would find a formidable rival in the gentleman whose advertisement we place as near as possible, so as to make a pair: “To be sold cheap, a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a moveable head, as good as new.” Students of vivisection, and lovers of natural history generally, would have been glad to meet with this specimen of life after decapitation: “Ten shillings reward--Lost by a gentleman, a white terrier dog, except the head, which is black.” And as congenial company we append this: “To be sold, an Erard grand piano, the property of a lady, about to travel in a walnut wood case with carved legs.”

Differing somewhat, though still of the same kind, is the advertisement of a governess, who, among other things, notifies that “she is a perfect mistress of her own tongue.” If she means what she says, she deserves a good situation and a high rate of wages. An anecdote is told of a wealthy widow who advertised for an agent, and, owing to a printer’s error, which made it “a gent,” she was inundated with applications by letter, and pestered by personal attentions. This story requires, however, a little assistance, and may be taken for what it is worth. Not long ago, a morning paper contained an announcement that a lady going abroad would give “a medical man” £100 a year to look after “a favourite spaniel dog” during her absence. This may not be funny, but it is certainly curious, and in these days, when starvation and misery are rampant, when men are to be found who out of sheer love kill their children rather than trust them to the tender mercies of the parish officials, and when these same officials are proved guilty of constructive homicide, it is indeed noticeable. A kindred advertisement, also real and unexaggerated, asks for “an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages £1 per week.” This has double claims upon our attention here, for in addition to the amount offered for such work, there is a doubt as to the actual thing required. Is it a nurse for accomplished poodles, or an accomplished nurse? And, if the latter, what in the name of goodness and common sense is accomplishment at such work? Do poodles require peculiar nursery rhymes and lullabies, or are they nursed, as a vulgar error has it about West-country babies, head downwards? This is not the exact expression used with regard to the infants; but it will do. We will conclude this short list of peculiarities with two which deserve notice. The first is the notice of a marriage, which ends, “No cards, no cake, no wine.” This is evidently intended for friends other than those “at a distance,” whose polite attention is so constantly invoked. The remaining specimen appeared in the _Irish Times_, and runs thus: “To Insurance Offices.--Whatever office the late William H. O’Connell, M.D. life was insured will please to communicate or call on his widow, 23 South Frederick Street, without delay.” One hardly knows which to admire most, the style or the _insouciance_ of the demand.

Of curious advertisements which are such independent of errors, selfishness, or moral obliquity, we have in the purely historical part of this work given plenty specimens from olden times; but there are still a few samples of the peculiarities of our ancestors which will bear repetition in this chapter, more especially as most of them have not before been unearthed from their original columns. Before quoting any of those which are purely advertisements in the ordinary sense of the word, we will present to our readers a curious piece of puffery which appeared in an Irish paper for May 30, 1784, and which from its near connection with open and palpable advertising, and from its whimsical character, will not be at all out of place, and will doubtless prove interesting, especially to those of a theatrical turn of mind, as it refers to the gifted Sarah Siddons’s first appearance in Dublin. The article runs thus: “On Saturday, Mrs Siddons, about whom all the world has been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitching, melting, and all-tearful character of _Isabella_. From the repeated panegyrics in the impartial London newspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a heavenly angel; but how were we supernaturally surprised into the most awful joy, at beholding a mortal goddess. The house was crowded with hundreds more than it could hold,--with thousands of admiring spectators, that went away without a sight. This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic excellence! this star of Melpomene! this comet of the stage! this sun of the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen and princess of tears! this Donnellan of the poisoned bowl! this empress of the pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakspeare! this world of weeping clouds! this Juno of commanding aspects! this Terpsichore of the curtains and scenes! this Proserpine of fire and earthquake! this Katterfelto of wonders! exceeded expectation, went beyond belief, and soared above all the natural powers of description! She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilliflower, wall-flower, cauliflower, auricula, and rosemary! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus! Where expectation was raised so high, it was thought she would be injured by her appearance; but it was the audience who were injured:--several fainted before the curtain drew up! When she came to the scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah! what a sight was there! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, ‘albeit, unused to the melting mood,’ blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon players’ eyes in such plentiful showers, that they choked the finger stops; and making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler’s book, that, not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band actually played in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of corks drawn from the smelling-bottles, prevented the mistake between flats and sharps being discovered. One hundred and nine ladies fainted! forty-six went into fits! and ninety-five had strong hysterics! The world will scarcely credit the truth, when they are told, that fourteen children, five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen, were actually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to increase the briny pond in the pit; the water was three feet deep; and the people that were obliged to stand upon the benches, were in that position up to their ankles in tears! An Act of Parliament against her playing any more will certainly pass.” As this effusion appeared almost immediately after the famous actress’s first appearance, we are hardly wrong in considering it as half an advertisement. It must certainly have helped to draw good houses during the rest of her stay.

Lovers of the gentle craft maybe interested to know that what was perhaps the earliest advertisement of Izaak Walton’s famous little book “The Compleat Angler” was published in one of Wharton’s Almanacs. It is on the back of the dedication-leaf to “Hemeroscopeion: Anni Æra Christianæ, 1654.” Hemeroscopeion was William Lilly, and the almanac appeared in 1653, the year in which Walton’s book was printed. The advertisement says:--

There is published a Booke of Eighteen-pence price, called _The
Compleat Angler_, Or, _The Contemplative man’s Recreation_: being a
Discourse of Fish and Fishing. Not unworthy the perusall. Sold by
_Richard Marriot_ in S. _Dunstan’s_ Church-yard, _Fleetstreet_.

The publication of births, marriages, and deaths seems to have begun almost as soon as newspapers were in full swing. At first only the names of the noble and eminent were given, but soon the notices got into much the same form as we now find them. One advantage of the old style was that the amount a man died worth was generally given, though how the exact sum was known directly he died passes our comprehension, unless it was then the fashion to give off the secret with the latest breath. Even under such circumstances we should hesitate to believe some people of our acquaintance, who have tried now and again, but have never yet succeeded in telling the truth about their own affairs or those of their relatives. And doubtless many an heir felt sadly disappointed, on taking his property, to find it amount to less than half of the published sum. Notices of marriages and deaths were frequent before the announcement of births became fashionable; and in advertisements the real order of things has been completely changed, as obituaries began, marriages followed, and births came last of all. In the first number of the _Gentleman’s Magazine_, January 1731, we find deaths and marriages published under separate heads, and many papers of the time did likewise. The _Grub Street Journal_ gave them among the summary of Domestic News, each particular item having the initials of the paper from which it was taken appended, as was done with all other information under the same head; for which purpose there was at the top of the article the information that C. meant _Daily Courant_, P. _Daily Post-Boy_, D. P. _Daily Post_, D. J. _Daily Journal_, D. A. _Daily Advertiser_, S. J. _St James’s Evening Post_, W. E. _Whitehall Evening Post_, and L. E. _London Evening Post_. In the number for February 7, 1734, we find this:--

_Died_ last night at his habitation in Pall-mall, in a very advanced
age, count Kilmanseck, who came over from Hanover with King George I.
_S. J._--At his lodgings. _L. E._ _D. A. Feb. 1._--Aged about 70. _P.
Feb. 1._----Of the small-pox, after 8 days illness, in his 23d year
count Kilmansegg, son of the countess of Kilmansegg, who came over
from Hanover the beginning of the last reign. _D. P. Feb. 1._--He came
over with his highness the prince of Orange, as one of his gentlemen.
_D. J. Feb. 1._--_Tho’_ Mr Conundrum _cannot_ account _for these
different_ accounts _of these two_ German counts, _yet he_ counts _it
certain, that the younger_ count _was the_ son of the countess, who
came over _from the_ county _of_ Hanover.

About the same time we find in the same paper another paragraph worthy of notice:--

_Died_, last week at Acton, George Villers, Esq; formerly page of the
preference to queen Anne, said to have died worth 30,000l.--Mr Ryley,
a pay-master serjeant, as he was drinking a pint of beer at the Savoy.
_D. J._--On friday Mr Feverel, master of the bear and rummer tavern in
Gerard-street, who was head cook to king William and queen Anne,
reputed worth 40,000l. _P._--Mr Favil. _D. P._--Mr Favel. _D. J._--Mr
Fewell, 21,000l. _D. A._

On March 14, also of 1734, there is this:--

_Died_ on tuesday in Tavistock-street, Mr Mooring, an eminent mercer,
that kept Long’s warehouse, said to have died worth 60,000l. _D.
J._--_This was 5 days before he did die, and_ 40,000l. _more than he_
died worth _according to_ D. P. _Mar. 12_.

And on the 28th this:--

_Died_ yesterday morning admiral Mighelles. _C._--Mighells.
_P._--Mighills. _D. P._--A gentleman belonging to the earl of Grantham
was found dead in his bed. _P._

And so on, there being announcements in every number, many of which showed differences in the daily-paper notices. There are also plenty of marriage announcements, which, as a rule, give the amounts obtained with the ladies, and sometimes the gentlemen’s fortunes. The following is from the _G. S. J._ of February 21, 1734:--

_Married_, yesterday at S. James’s church by the right rev. Dr Hen.
Egerton, lord bishop of Hereford, the hon. Francis Godolphin, of
Scotland-yard, Esq; to the 3d daughter of the countess of Portland, a
beautiful lady of 50,000l. fortune. _P._--Will. Godolphin, Esq; to the
lady Barbara Bentinck, &c. _D. P._--At the chapel-royal, at S.
James’s: youngest daughter, &c. _D. J._ _D. A._

A few weeks later on there is this:--

_Married_ this day the countess of Deloraine, governess to the
princesses Mary and Louisa, to Will. Wyndham, Esq; son to the late
col. Wyndham. _L. E._--_They were not_ married _’till_ 10 at night.

And on April 25 this:--

_Married_ a few days since -- Price, a Buckinghamshire gentleman of
near 2000l. per ann. to miss Robinson of the Theatre Royal in
Drury-lane. _L. E._--On tuesday, the lord Visc. Faulkland to the lady
Villew, relict of the late lord Faukland, a lady of great merit and
fortune. _D. P._--Mr Price’s marriage is entirely false and
groundless. _D. A. Ap. 24._

There are in the _Journal_, as well as in contemporary and earlier papers, occasional references to births as well, but none calling for any comment at our hands. In the _Gentleman’s Magazine_ of February 1736 there are two notices of deaths, one commencing the list, which is curious, and the other immediately following, which cannot fail to be interesting:--

SIR _Brownlowe Sherard_, Bt in _Burlington_ Gardens. He was of a human
Disposition, kind to his Servants dislik’d all extravagant Expence,
but very liberal of his Fortune, as well to his Relations and Friends,
as to Numbers of distressed Objects; and in particular, to St.
_George’s_ Hospital, near _Hyde-Park Corner_.

_Bernard Lintott_, Esq., formerly an eminent Bookseller in
_Fleet-street_. High Sheriff for Sussex, aged 61.

Also the Earl of Derby, and several men who are noted to have died worth sums varying from £13,000 to £100,000, find obituary notices. These give particulars of the lives of the deceased, and the ways in which the various properties are disposed of, very different from the short announcements of modern days. Thus we find that by the death of the Hon. Walter Chetwynd, the barony of Rathdown in the county of Dublin, and viscounty of Chetwynd of Beerhaven in the county of Cork, both in the peerage of Ireland, became extinct, but that his brother, John Chetwynd, was consoled by an estate of £3000 per annum; that Mrs Eliza Barber succumbed to “an illness she had contracted in Newgate on a prosecution of her master, a baronet of Leicestershire, of which being honourably acquitted, and a copy of her indictment granted, she had brought an action of £1000 damages;” that Mr Fellows was an eminent sugar-baker; and that Gilbert Campbell had during his life got himself into trouble for misinterpreting his duties as an attorney. The marriage lists have also the admirable fashion of giving the sums of money obtained with the brides or bridegrooms as the case may be, and in some instances the amounts of revenue.

In the _London Journal_ of February 7, 1730, there is the following, which shows that the presentation of advertisement-books gratis is by no means a novelty:--

_At the_ New Masquerade Warehouse _in_ Henrietta Street, Covent
Garden, _are given gratis_.

PRINTED Speeches, Jokes, Jests, Conundrums and smart Repartees, suited
to each Habit, by which Gentlemen and Ladies may be qualified to speak
what is proper to their respective Characters. Also some Dialogues for
two or more Persons, particularly between a Cardinal and a Milkmaid; a
Judge and a Chimney-sweeper; a Venetian Courtezan and a Quaker; with
one very remarkable between a Devil, a Lawyer and an Orange Wench. At
the same place is to be spoke with Signor ROSARIO, lately arrived from
Venice, who teaches Gentlemen and Ladies the behaviour proper for a
Devil, a Courtezan, or any other Character. And whereas it is a
frequent practice for Gentlemen to appear in the Habits of Ladies, and
Ladies in the habits of Gentlemen, Signor ROSARIO teaches the Italian
manner of acting in both capacities. The Quality of both Sexes may be
waited on and instructed at their Houses.

Also in 1730 two Roman histories, translated from the French by two Jesuit priests, appeared at the same time--one by Mr Ozell, the other by Mr Bundy--which caused the following advertisement to be inserted by the publishers of Ozell’s work:--

^This Day is Publish’d^

_What will satisfy such as have bought Mr Ozell’s Translation of the_
ROMAN HISTORY, _and also undeceive such of Mr Bundy’s Friends as are
more Friends to Truth:_

_Number I._ of the

HERCULEAN LABOUR: or the AUGÆAN STABLE cleansed of its heaps of
historical, philological, and Geographical Trumpery. Being Serious and
facetious Remarks by Mr Ozell, on some thousands of capital and
comical Mistakes, Oversights, Negligences, Ignorances, Omissions,
Misconstructions, Mis-nomers and other Defects, in the folio
Translation of the ROMAN HISTORY by the Rev. Mr BUNDY.

A witty Foreigner upon reading an untrue Translation of Cæsar’s
Commentaries, said: “It was a wicked Translation, for the Translator
had not rendered unto Cæsar the things which were Cæsar’s.”

With equal truth tho’ less wit, may it be said the Translator of the
ROMAN HISTORY has not paid the Rev. authors the TYTHE of their DUES;
which in one of the same cloth is the more unpardonable.

The Money is to be returned by Mr Ozell, to any Gentleman, who, after
reading it shall come (or send a letter to him in Arundel Street, in
the Strand) and declare upon Honour, he does not think the Book worth
the Money.

In the _Bristol Gazette_ for Thursday, August 28, 1788, among advertisements of the ordinary kind, some of which are noticeable as emanating from Robert and Thomas Southey, we find the following:--

_Swansea_ and _Bristol_ DILIGENCE,
To carry THREE INSIDES.

WILL set out from the Mackworth-Arms, _Swansea_, on Wednesday the 18th
of June, and continue every Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday morning at
four o’clock; and will arrive early the same evening at the New
Passage, where a good boat will be waiting to take the Passengers
over, and a Coach ready at eight o’clock the next morning to carry
them to _Bristol_.

Also a LIGHT COACH will set out every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday
afternoon at five o’clock, from the WHITE LION, to meet the above
Diligence.

Fare from Bristol to Swansea 1l. 10s., passage included.

Short passengers the same as the Mail Coach.

N.B.--Parcels carried on moderate terms, and expeditiously delivered;
but no parcels will be accounted for above 5l. value, unless entered
as such and paid for accordingly.

Performed by
J. LAKE, Mackworth-Arms, Swansea.
C. NOTT, Ship and Castle, Neath.
C. BRADLEY, Bear, Cowbridge.
J. BRADLEY, Angel, Cardiff.
M. HOGGARD, New Passage.
R. CHURCH, New Passage.
W. CARR, White Lion, Bristol.

N.B. A COACH every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday morning, at seven
o’clock, from the White Lion to the New Passage.

It is to be presumed that the line about short passengers refers to those who travel short journeys only, though a friend of ours, himself a Welshman, makes several jocular allusions to the conditions that used in the days of travelling by road in and about the Principality to be imposed on people of less than the average height. As these will be some day published in a volume, the title of which is already decided upon--“Cheese and Chuckles; or, Leeks and Laughter”--and which is intended for distribution among the bards at the annual Eisteddfod, we will not discount the sensation then to be derived from their publication, more especially as we have tried in vain and failed to understand them.

For those who take such interest in the poet Southey that anything connected with his family is regarded with favour, we present the following, from the same number of the _Bristol Gazette_, which was kindly forwarded by a gentleman on hearing that this work was in progress:--

DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP.

THE PARTNERSHIP between ROBERT and THOMAS SOUTHEY, _Linen-drapers_,
&c., of this city, was by mutual consent dissolved on the 21st of July
last; all persons to whom the said partnership stood indebted, are to
send their accounts to ROBERT SOUTHEY, Wine-street, and the persons
indebted to them, are respectfully requested to pay the same to the
said ROBERT SOUTHEY, who continues the trade as usual.

ROBERT SOUTHEY.
THOMAS SOUTHEY.

BRISTOL, August 8th, 1788.

R. SOUTHEY, thanks his friends in particular and the public in
general, for the kind support he has hitherto experienced, and begs
leave to inform them, that he is just returned from London with a
large assortment of goods; particularly fine printed CALLICOES,
MUSLINS, and LACE, which he is determined to sell on as low terms as
any person in the trade, and solicits the early inspection of his
friends.

N.B.--Part of the old Stock to be sold very cheap.

There is also an advertisement in the paper from Thomas Southey, who has taken up quarters in Close Street, soliciting custom and describing his wares. Our correspondent, who is a gentleman of position at Neath, and whose veracity is undoubted, says: “My father was a correspondent of Southey’s, and in one of his letters Southey says he was very nearly settling in our Vale of Neath, in a country house, the owner of which was a strong Tory, but as Southey at that early period of his life was a great Radical, he was not allowed to rent the property! If this had not been so, he says, ‘my children would have been _Cam_brian instead of _Cum_brian.’”

Among other old customs now fast falling into desuetude, there is in Cumberland and some other parts of the north of England a practice known as the Bridewain, which consists of the public celebration of weddings. A short time after courtship is commenced--as soon as the date of the marriage is fixed--the lovers give notice of their intentions, and on the day named all their friends for miles around assemble at the intending bridegroom’s house, and join in various pastimes. A plate or bowl is generally fixed in a convenient place, where each of the company contributes in proportion to his inclination and ability, and according to the degree of respect the couple are held in. By this custom a worthy pair have frequently been benefited with a sum of from fifty to a hundred pounds. The following advertisement for such a meeting is copied from the _Cumberland Pacquet_, 1786:--

INVITATION.

Suspend for one day your cares and your labours,
And come to this wedding, kind friends and good neighbours.

NOTICE is hereby given that the marriage of ISAAC PEARSON with FRANCES
ATKINSON will be solemnized in due form in the parish church of
Lamplugh, in Cumberland, on Tuesday next, the 30th of May inst.;
immediately after which the bride and bridegroom with their attendants
will proceed to Lonefoot, in the said parish, where the nuptials will
be celebrated by a variety of rural entertainments.

Then come one and all
At Hymen’s soft call
From Whitehaven, Workington, Harrington, Dean,
Hail, Ponsonby, Blaing and all places between,
From Egremont, Cockermouth, Barton, St Bee’s, }
Cint, Kinnyside, Calder and parts such as these; }
And the country at large may flock in if they please. }
Such sports there will be as have seldom been seen,
Such wrestling, and fencing and dancing between,
And races for prizes, for frolick and fun, }
By horses, and asses, and dogs will be run }
That you’ll all go home happy--as sure as a gun. }
In a word, such a wedding can ne’er fail please;
For the sports of Olympus were trifles to these.

Nota Bene.--You’ll please to observe that the day
Of this grand bridal pomp is the thirtieth of May,
When ’tis hop’d that the sun, to enliven the sight,
Like the flambeau of Hymen, will deign to burn bright.

These invitations were at this period far from rare, and another, calling folk to a similar festival, appeared in the same paper in 1789:--

BRIDEWAIN.

There let Hymen oft appear
In saffron robe and taper clear,
And pomp and feast and revelry,
With mask and antic pageantry;
Such sights as youthful poets dream,
On summer eves by haunted stream.

GEORGE HAYTON, who married ANNE, the daughter of Joseph and Dinah
Colin, of Crosby Mill, purposes having a BRIDEWAIN at his house, at
Crosby near Maryport, on Thursday the 7th day of May next, where he
will be happy to see his friends and well-wishers, for whose amusement
there will be a variety of races, wrestling matches, etc. etc. The
prizes will be--a saddle, two bridles, a pair of _gands d’amour_
gloves, which whoever wins is sure to be married within the
twelvemonth; a girdle (_ceinture de Venus_) possessing qualities not
to be described; and many other articles, sports and pastimes too
numerous to mention, but which can never prove tedious in the
exhibition.

From fashion’s laws and customs free,
We follow sweet variety;
By turns we laugh and dance and sing;
Time’s for ever on the wing;
And nymphs and swains of Cumbria’s plain
Present the golden age again.

A similar advertisement appears in the _Pacquet_ in 1803, and contains some verses of a kind superior to that generally met in these appeals. It is called

A PUBLIC BRIDAL.

JONATHAN and GRACE MUSGRAVE purpose having a PUBLIC BRIDAL at Low
Lorton Bridge End, near Cockermouth, on THURSDAY, the 16th of June,
1803; when they will be glad to see their Friends, and all who may
please to favour them with their Company;--for whose Amusement there
will be various RACES, for Prizes of different kinds; and amongst
others, a Saddle, and Bridle; and a Silver-tipt Hunting Horn, for
Hounds to run for.--There will also be Leaping, Wrestling, &c. &c.

☞ Commodious ROOMS are likewise engaged for DANCING PARTIES, in the
Evening.

Come, haste to the BRIDAL!--to Joys we invite You,
Which, help’d by the Season, to please You can’t fail:
But should LOVE, MIRTH, and SPRING strive in vain to delight You,
You’ve still the _mild_ Comforts of LORTON’S sweet VALE.

And where does the GODDESS more charmingly revel?
Where ZEPHYR dispense a more health-chearing Gale,
Than where the pure _Cocker_, meandring the Level,
Adorns the calm Prospects of LORTON’S sweet VALE?

To the BRIDAL then come;--taste the Sweets of our Valley;
Your Visit, _good Cheer_ and _kind Welcome_ shall hail.
Round the _Standard_ of OLD ENGLISH CUSTOM, we’ll rally,--
And be blest in _Love_, _Friendship_, and LORTON’S sweet VALE.

A correspondent, writing in Hone’s Table-Book, date August 1827, says it was in the early part of the century “a prevalent custom to have ‘bidden weddings’ when a couple of respectability and of slender means were on the eve of marriage; in this case they gave publicity to their intentions through the medium of the _Cumberland Pacquet_, a paper published at Whitehaven, and which about twenty-nine years ago was the only newspaper printed in the county. The editor, Mr John Ware, used to set off the invitation in a novel and amusing manner, which never failed to insure a large meeting, and frequently the contributions made on the occasion, by the visitors, were of so much importance to the new-married couple that by care and industry they were enabled to make so good ‘a fend as niver to look ahint them.’” That this or a similar custom was practised commonly a generation ago in Wales, where it is even now occasional, a notice issued from Carmarthen shows. It is peculiar, and runs thus:--

CARMARTHEN, April 12, 1836.

AS we intend to enter the MATRIMONIAL STATE on THURSDAY, the 5th of
MAY next, we are encouraged by our Friends to make a BIDDING on the
occasion the same Day, at the Sign of the ANGEL, situate in
LAMMAS-STREET; when and where the favour of your good and agreeable
Company is most humbly solicited, and whatever donation you may be
pleased to confer on us then, will be thankfully received, warmly
acknowledged, and cheerfully repaid whenever called for on a similar
occasion,

By your most obedient humble Servants,

DAVID DANIEL
(Shoemaker,)

RUTH EVANS.

THE Young Man, and his Mother, (Mary Daniel,) and his Brother and
Sister (Joshua and Anne,) desire that all gifts of the above nature
due to them, be returned on the said Day, and will be thankful for all
favours granted.

Also, the Young Woman, and her Mother (Sarah Evans,) and her
Grand-father and Grand-mother (John and Frances Evans,) desire that
all Gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the above
Day, and will be thankful with her Uncle and Aunt (Benjamin and
Margaret Evans, Penrhywcoion,) for all additional favours granted.

The applications made by means of the notes which follow the advertisement show that the promise made by David and Ruth to repay all amounts when called upon is something more than a mere flourish. We should not like, though, to guarantee that these promises were always kept, and have no doubt that the concocters of the foregoing found, as so many others did before them, and not a few have done since, that kindness is generally obtained from the least expected, and often the least valued, quarter. This is a glorious dispensation of providence, and few people who have experienced misfortune, or have been in want of assistance, but have felt how compensating is the hidden power which guides our destinies. Yet writers who constantly rail about the insincerity of friendship make little or no mention of those truest friends, the friends who appear uninvoked, and do whatever has been asked in vain of others who may have promised freely, or who are in fact indebted to those they ignore in the moment of adversity.

Burly old Grose, the friend of Burns, in his “Olio” gives a curious specimen of composition, which he says was the effort of a mayor in one of our University towns, though which is not stated. It tells us that--

WHEREAS, a Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of
outrageous Accidents by Fire, we whose Names are undersigned, have
thought proper that the Benefit of an Engine, bought by us, for the
better Extinguishing of which, by the Accidents of Almighty God, may
unto us happen, to make a Rate to gather Benevolence for the better
propagating such useful Instruments.

Some clever student of style may be able to tell, by a clue invisible to the uninitiated, whether this is Oxford or Cambridge. We are not learned in such matters, and so prefer to admire, without troubling ourselves to identify.

Poetical advertisements were not at all uncommon a hundred years ago and less. The demand for space, and the steam-engine rate at which we live now, have, however, destroyed not only the opportunity for them, but their use. Towards the close of the last century there lived in the Canongate, Edinburgh, one Gavin Wilson, a hard-working bootmaker, or, as his sign described him, “Arm, Leg and Boot maker, _but not_ to his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” He was a singular fellow, and was the inventor of an art for hardening and polishing leather, so as to be workable into powder-flasks, snuff-boxes, drinking-mugs, ink-cases, and other articles of a similar kind. His genius did not stop at this rough work, but enabled him to form a German flute and a violin, both of leather, which, for neatness of workmanship and melodiousness of tone, were, friendly critics said, not a bit inferior to any fiddle or flute formed of wood. His greatest triumphs, however, were artificial arms and legs, also made of leather, which not only completely remedied loss of limb, but also closely resembled their human prototypes, being covered with skin, nails, &c. The unexampled success of his endeavours in this way was curiously illustrated by a person who, having lost both his hands by a cannon-shot, was provided with a new and useful pair by Gavin Wilson. This man expressed his gratitude in a letter of thanks, written with the artificial hands, which appeared in the _Caledonian Mercury_ for 1779, along with an advertisement of the ingenious mechanic. Wilson had also pretensions to wit, and was occasionally a votary of what Foote once described as the Tuneful Ten. “Nine and one are ten,” said Foote one day to an accountant, who was anxious the wit should hear his poetry, and who commenced, “Hear me, O Phœbus and ye Tuneful Nine!” Having got so far, he accused Foote of inattention; but the latter said, “Nine and one are ten--go on,” which was too near the shop to be pleasant. The following advertisement may serve as a specimen of Wilson’s poetical attempts:--

G. Wilson humbly as before
Resumes his thankfulness once more
For favours formerly enjoy’d
In, by the public, being employ’d.
And hopes this public intimation
Will meet with candid acceptation.
The world knows well he makes _boots_ neatly
And, as times go, he sells them cheaply.
’Tis also known to many a hundred
Who at his late invention wonder’d,
That polish’d _leather boxes_, _cases_,
So well known now in many places,
With _powder-flasks_ and _porter-mugs_,
And jointed _leather arms_ and _legs_.
Design’d for use as well as show,
_Exempli gratia_ read below,[34]
Were his invention; and no claim
Is just by any other name.
With numbers of production more,
In leather ne’er performed before.
In these dead times being almost idle,
He tried and made a _leather fiddle_.
Of workmanship extremely neat,
Of tone quite true, both soft and sweet.
And finding leather not a mute
He made a _leather German flute_,
Which play’d as well and was as good
As any ever made of wood.
He for an idle hour’s amusement
Wrote this exotic advertisement,
Informing you he does reside
In head of Canongate, south side,
Up the first wooden-railed stair,
You’re sure to find his Whimship there.
In Britain none can fit you better
Than can your servant the _Bootmaker_.

GAVIN WILSON.

Notwithstanding that their day is past, occasional poetical advertisements are to be found in the papers now. They are, as a rule, infinitely bad, and the following is so very different from the general run of them, that we cannot help quoting it. Perhaps it was written after taking a dose of “Lamplough,” which is said on authority to have so many beneficial effects, that power over writers of verse in general, and the writer of the following in particular, may easily be included among them. So all minor poets had better study this, which we extract from a “weekly” a year or so ago:--

A DRINKING SONG.

IF ever your spirits are damp, low,
And bilious; you should, I opine,
Just quaff a deep bumper of Lamplough--
Of Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline.

The title is quaint and eccentric--
Is probably so by design--
But they say for disturbances ventric
There’s nought like Pyretic Saline.

Don’t bid me become exegetic,
Or tell me I’m only a scamp low,
If I can tell you more of Pyretic
Saline manufactured by Lamplough.

A second good specimen was published in a theatrical paper at the time when Mr J. S. Clarke, an American comedian, whose strength is in his advertisements, and who is well known this side the Atlantic, was playing in “The Rivals.” It is entitled

SAVED.

IT was a chill November eve and on the busy town
A heavy cloud of yellow fog was sinking slowly down;
Upon the bridge of Waterloo, a prey to mad despair,
There stood a man with heavy brow and deep-lined face of care.

One ling’ring look around he gave, then on the river cast
That sullen stare of rash resolve he meant should be his last.
Far down the old cathedral rose, a shadow grey and dim,
The light of day would dawn on that but ne’er again on him.

One plunge within the murky stream would end the bitter strife.
“What rest’s there now,” he sobbed aloud, “to bid me cling to life?”
Just then the sound of stamping feet smote on his list’ning ear,
A sandwich-man upon his beat paused ’neath the lamplight clear.

One hurried glance--he read the board that hung upon his back,
He leapt down from the parapet, and smote his thigh a smack.
“I must see that,” he cried--the words that put his woe to flight
Were “John S. Clarke as Acres at the Charing Cross to-night.”

Another of these effusions, well worthy of insertion here, appeared quite recently in a humorous paper, and is devoted to the interests of Messrs Cook & Son, the tourist agents. Whether or not it was paid for as an advertisement, they must have found it valuable. Despite the sneers of several small wits whom fortune has enabled to travel in the old expensive mode, there are very many who are neither cads nor snobs, whatever the distinction may be, and whose greatest sin is a paucity of income, that have felt the benefit of the popular excursionists’ endeavours. The verses are called

COOK’S PERQUISITES.

In longitude six thousand ninety-two,
Latitude nothing, the good ship, _Salt Beef_,
Caught in a gale, the worst that ever blew,
Was stranded on a coral island’s reef.

Her back was broken, so she went in halves,
The crew and captain perished, every hand;
Only a pig, some chickens, and two calves,
And the one passenger, escaped to land.

King Bungaroo, with all the royal suite,
Was waiting to receive him on the beach;
And seeing he was plump and nice to eat,
Received him graciously with courteous speech.

The suite, who thus their coming banquet eyed,
Their gastric regions rubbed with grateful paw,
And wondered if the king would have him fried,
Or boiled, or roasted,--or just eat him raw!

The hungry passenger their meaning caught
As hinting dinner in some manner dim,
And smiling at the notion, little thought
That they meant feasting _on_--and not _with_--him!

But, as you draw a fowl before ’tis drest,
The suite proceeded first, of everything
The pockets of their victim to divest,
And laid their plunder down before the king.

The monarch started at some object there--
Then seized the prisoner’s hand and cried aloud,
“Bo, bingo wobli! Chungum raggadare.
Howinki croblob? Boo! Owchingadowd!”

Which means--“Unhand this kindly gentleman.
Observe those coupons! Note that small green book!
Put out the fire--hang up the frying-pan!
We mustn’t eat him. He belongs to Cook!”

But turning back to the early times on which we started in quest of amusing advertisements, we come upon a fictitious letter addressed to Sylvanus Urban in the _Gentleman’s Magazine_ for September 1803, which is signed Maria Elderly, and falls sadly foul of the indecorous announcements then so plentiful. It runs thus: “Good Mr Urban,--You must know, Sir, I am a married woman and a mother (I bless Heaven!) of several not unpromising daughters. We read most of the best English and French authors together as we sit at our work: that is to say one reads aloud whilst the rest draw, sew, or embroider. The hours thus pass more pleasantly; and our amusement I will hope is productive of solid mental profit. It is a proverbial good-natured joke with young gentlemen that curiosity is of the feminine gender. I will not stop to dispute the matter with such acute grammarians; but will rather honestly admit that (although I think otherwise) perhaps ‘much may be said on both sides.’ Nay, I will own, Sir, that what with the natural timidity of my sex, and the fear of Bonaparte’s invasion, I do feel a little hankering or so, to learn how the world of politics is conducted. I therefore have lately taken in a certain fashionable morning newspaper, and was much amused at first with its contents. But, my dear Mr Urban, I fancy I must give up this paper; and as I find you are a married gentleman, I will at once tell you why: I have often been vexed, Sir, at the sight of certain indecorous advertisements. Proof is better than accusation at all times. I will therefore just allude to a few, which, however, I assure you, are not the worst. I know you cannot expect _me_ to transcribe them. The first instance I shall notice, is in the paper of April 21, 1803, where ‘a lady near 30, wishes to be companion to a single gentleman;’ and as a proof of the impropriety of this advertisement, Mr O. of Dover Street (to whom the _lady_ referred) thought it necessary pointedly to deny all knowledge of her in another advertisement of April 28. In the paper of May 5, I read that ‘a widow-lady _pleasing in her person_, &c., solicits the loan of £40 from a gentleman.’ The lady refers to a house in Dean Street, Soho. In that of May 26 ‘a young female intreats the loan of £130 from a nobleman or gentleman of fortune.’ She refers to Curriers’ Row, Black friars. In that of June 1, a young lady (who refers to the post-office, Blandford Street, Portman Square) inserts a most unqualified proposal indeed. In that of June 16, the proposal is repeated in still more impertinent terms. The lady now refers to Eyre Street, Hatton Garden. In that of June 18, appear two advertisements from females, _of a very curious nature_, addressed to two young men. Both are assignations; and they are expressed too in very intelligible terms, I do assure you. I believe you will agree with me that such advertisements can do no good and may do much harm. I could enlarge my list very greatly, by pointing your eyes to paragraphs of a later date; but the subject is a very unpleasant one, and I at present forbear. ‘My poverty, but not my will consents’ may do in a play; but it is a sad excuse for the editor of a daily publication: and it is _criminal_, Sir, when we consider how many young minds may thus be empoisoned.” We trust this letter will be taken as evidence that we have in the preceding chapter by no means selected the worst specimens of the style which pervaded advertisements at the close of the last century and beginning of the present.

The believers in vested interests may see by an advertisement of the year 1804, that proprietorial rights were respected in those days even among beggars:--

TO be disposed of for the benefit of the poor widow a Blind Man’s WALK
in a charitable neighbourhood, the comings-in between twenty-five and
twenty-six shillings a week, with a dog well drilled, and a staff in
good repair. A handsome premium will be expected. For further
particulars, inquire at No. 40, Chiswell Street.

The halcyon days of cadgers and crossing-sweepers are over, and we no longer hear of members of either profession leaving fortunes. It has often been source of wonder to us how a right was maintained in any particular crossing or walk. It is presumable, of course, that no action would lie in the event of one man taking another’s favourite corner; yet, if story-tellers are to be depended upon, the “good-wills” of these places in days gone by were worth not hundreds alone, but thousands of pounds. The new police and the mendicity societies have considerably disturbed such sinecures, and even those affectionate parents that of late years lived on the earnings of their young, who pretended to sell cigar-lights and newspapers, but who in reality begged freely, have been driven to earn their own meals by the officers of the various school-boards. So passes away the glory of free trade from this over-legislated and effete old country, where no one is allowed to do as he likes if it at all interferes with the comfort of his neighbours--except, of course, when he is rich and the neighbour is poor. Passing on to 1811, we come upon a quaint request for a servant in the _Morning Post_ of December 4:--

A COOK-HOUSEMAID, or HOUSEMAID-COOK is wanted, for the service of a
single gentleman, where only one other, a manservant is kept. The age
of the woman wanted must not be less than 25, nor more than 40 years;
and it is requisite that she should be equally excellent in the two
capacities of Cook and Housemaid. Her character must be
unexceptionable for sobriety, honesty and cleanliness. The sobriety,
however, which consists in drinking deep without staggering will not
do; nor will the honesty suffice which would make up for the possible
absence of pilfering by waste. Neither will the cleanliness answer
which is content with bustling only before the employer’s eyes--a sure
symptom of a slattern. The servant advertised for, must be thoroughly
and truly cleanly, honest and sober. As it is probable that not a drab
out of place who reads this advertisement but will be for imposing
herself, though, perhaps, incapable of cooking a sprat, and about as
nice as a Hottentot, all such are warned not to give themselves
useless trouble. On the other hand, a steady, clean woman, really
answering the above description, will, by applying as below, hear of a
place not easy equalled in comfort; where the wages are good and
constantly increasing, and where servants are treated as
fellow-creatures, and with a kindness, which, to the discredit of
their class, is seldom merited. Personal application to be made, from
one to three o’clock, to Mr Danvers, perfumer, No. 16, Craven Street,
Strand.

Here we have the crotchety old bachelor of the novels to the life. This advertiser was evidently a judge of character, and doubtless one of the kindest-hearted of men, but irascible and touchy, subject to twinges of gout, and possessed of a horror of east winds. A man who would scorn to be affected by the most pitiful story, yet whose hand was always in his pocket, and whose sympathy always meant relief as well. Where are all these good old creatures gone? Are they all dead, and is the race extinct? Frankly we must admit that we never met with any one of them, though we should very much like to, as we could in our own person find plenty of opportunity for the disposition of extra benevolence. It is said that the brothers Cheeryble had an actual existence, and perhaps they had, but if so, they managed to conceal their identity extremely successfully. We remember once meeting two brothers in business, who in appearance and manner were exactly like Nickleby’s benefactors; but two more astute individuals were not to be found in the three kingdoms. And on the strength of this likeness they possessed a great reputation for a benevolence which never had even a symptom of real being. Apropos of those imaginary philanthropists the Cheerybles, we present one of the advertisements which were called forth by their appearance in the story. It is from the _Times_, and was published February 7, 1844:--